01x11 - Little Dipper

[bunniefuu]

GIDEON: Zombie att*ck? Never works. They don't take orders.

Blood rain? Ew! Mess up my suit. Heh, no, thank you.

Demon caterpillars?

Drat! There must be a perfect way to exact vengeance on the Pines family.

It's not enough to harm 'em, I need to take something from 'em.

Something that'll give me ultimate power!

Wait, of course!

(WHISPERS) It's perfect.

MAN: (ON TV) You've gone too far this time, Duck-tective.

-(QUACKING HEARD ON TV) -(DOORBELL RINGS)

Welcome to a world of mystery!

Stan Pines?

The tax collector! You found me!

I-la!

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

Which one of these is the trap door?

Mr. Pines, I'm from the Winninghouse Coupon Savers Contest and you are our big winner!

Eh?

My one and only dream, which was to possess money, has come true!

We're rich! I'm gonna get a butler!

I'm gonna buy a talking horse!

-Just sign here for the money. -You bet!

I-la!

Stanford, you fool!

You just signed over the Mystery Shack to widdle 0|' me!

Ah-ha! Cha-cha.

-(BOTH GASP) -Little 0|' me.

Uh, you might want to take another look there.

"The Shack is hereby signed over to... Suck a lemon, little man."

How dare you!

(LAUGHING)

I am not a thr*at to be taken lightly.

(STRAINING)

Come here, hon, I need your arms.

I'll get you, Stanford Pines. I'll get you all!

-Want to see what else is on TV? -Yeah, okay.

-Yeah, all right. -It could be fun.

My favorite part is the theme song.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Little guy to black space nine.

It's a "Pawn," that's not your color, and stop stealing the tiny horses.

They like it better in here. Don't you, babies?

(WHINNIES)

-And checkmate! -What?

BED]

DIPPER: Oh!

Dipper wins again!

Yo, Mabel, can you pass me that brain in the jar?

-The lady one. -I got it.

Thanks, but Mabel's taller.

What? No, she's not.

We're the same height. We've always been.

Better check again, dude.

Yeah. She's got exactly one millimeter on you.

-What? -Whoa!

Don't you see what's happening, Dipper?

This millimeter is just the beginning. I'm evolving into the superior sibling.

Bigger! Stronger!

Like some kind of alpha twin.

Alpha twin! Alpha twin!

Come on, guys, nobody even uses millimeters.

It only makes you taller than me in Canada.

You know, Dipper, I've always wanted a little brother.

Who knew I already had one! Yeah!

I was awoken by the sound of mockery. Where is it?

Show me the object of ridicule!

-I'm taller than Dipper. -By one millimeter!

Hey-hey. Don't get "short" with your sister.

Now, Grunkle Stan, I hope you don't think "little" of him!

Yeah! And he's short!

Dude, maybe you should lay off a tiny bit.

Ha! "Tiny!" Soos is in on it now!

No, no, I didn't mean that.

Dipper will forget. He's got a three-two-one...

-Short term memory! -Short term memory!

Pow! We are on fire!

Ow! Ooh. That's... Ah!

I high-five hard.

Uh! Stupid Mabel. I'm not short!

(STRAINING)

Oh, come on!

There's gotta be some way to get taller.

Let's see...

"Legends of miniature buffalo and giant squirrels have led me to believe

"there are height-altering properties hidden deep within the forest."

Hmm.

(GROANS)

Oh.

Whoa!

(EAGLE SHRIEKING)

-Huh? Oh. -(GROWLING)

Is that mountain lion tiny or just far away in perspective?

Perspective! Perspective! (SCREAMS)

(PURRS)

It still hurts, but less!

Whoa!

What the heck.

Smaller.

Bigger.

Too big!

I've been buying big clothes. I'll grow into them.

Hey, guys. Notice anything different about me?

Holy hot-sauce! You've grown an extra millimeter!

What?

What can I say, sis? Growth spurt.

Yeah, mine happened first. I'm gonna be taller in the end.

-It's science, Dipper. -What?

-But, we're the same height now. -Alpha twin! Alpha twin!

Oh, yeah?

Something tells me I've got another growth spurt coming on right now.

Give it up, Dipper!

(GASPS)

What happened?

You know, puberty and stuff.

It doesn't make any sense! Just a second ago you were...

Wait a minute! This is some kind of magic y thing, isn't it?

Was it a wizard or something?

There's a wizard in this closet, isn't there? Isn't there?

What? No!

You're telling me there is not a wizard in this closet?

You're telling me that if I open this door right now...

Fine! Open it!

An invisible wizard! Really, Dipper?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-Oy, you. -Howdy, Stanford! Listen closely.

Inside this jar, I have 1,000 cursed Egyptian super-termites.

Hand over the deed to your property or I'll smash this jar with a bat and they'll devour this shack with you inside.

-Hey, what's that? -Huh?

(GASPS) Oh, no! Get it off!

Hey, Soos, get in here! I want to take pictures of this!

Y'all may have won the battle. But mark my words, Stanford!

Your family has a weak spot, and I'm gonna find it.

Ahhh! My hair!

Does he only respond to incantations? Expecto Wizarium! Wizzle! Wizar...

It's not a wizard!

I grew myself using this magic flashlight!

Let me see that thing!

I'll be back for you later!

(DIPPER GROANS)

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

BOTH: Huh?

-Aah! -It's okay. It can shrink things, too.

-Normal-hand-karate-chop! -Hey!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

Whoa!

Hey, give it back!

MABEL: Never!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Curse the Pines family! Curse Stan! Curse Dipper! Curse...

My, my, what delightful manner of doohickery is this?

Maybe he didn't see us use it and doesn't know it's a magic flashlight that can grow and shrink things.

-Really? -Click. Boop.

BOTH: No, no, no!

(BELLOWING LAUGH)

(AIR HORN BLOWS)

Friends, I wish I was a highway so I could have the honor of being rode upon by automobiles as fine as these ones right ch'er.

(SNARLS)

Engine possum at no extra charge.

I want that there car!

(ALL CHEERING)

Say there, son, what's in the jar?

That's my widdle secret!

Aw!

(GIGGLES)

Mouth-breathing fools.

Mother.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

You two.

What are you going to do with us?

Why, Mabel, I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty bitty head.

If you agree to be my queen!

We live in a democracy. And never!

Maybe you'll change your mind after this.

No! I will fight you until the day I...

(GASPS) Gummy Koalas!

(MUNCHING)

As for you, bOY, tell me, how exactly did you come upon this magic item, hmm?

Did somebody tell you about it? Did you read about it somewhere?

-Lean closer and I'll tell you. -Well, don't mind if I...

-(AIR HORN BLASTS) -Aah!

(HEAVY BREATHING)

I could squash you right now!

Steel yourself, Gideon. You can use them.

You can use them.

Soos, this maze of mirrors is your best idea that I'm taking credit for yet!

We're gonna make a fortune!

-Have my ears always been this big? -(PHONE RINGS)

I'm comin'!

One day.

-(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) -(GROANS)

GIDEON: (OVER PHONE) Stanford Pines.

Listen to me very closely, I have your niece and nephew.

Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now or great harm will befall them!

-This is Gideon, by the way. -(STAN LAUGHING)

Oh, yeah. This has gotta be your worst plot yet.

They're fine.

I saw them playing in the yard minutes ago.

I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?

I will text you a photo.

"Text" me a "photo"? Now you're not even speaking English.

GIDEON: But...

Hello? Hello!

(GRUNTS)

Ahhh!

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

What am I doing? I don't need ransom.

I have this! I'll shrink Stan and take the Shack for myself!

Y'all will be helpless to stop me!

And if any of you step out of line, smash!

(CACKLES)

BUD: Gideon, the ice cream truck is here!

Oh. Coming!

(GIGGLES)

Guard them, Cheekums. I'm coming!

(SQUEAKING)

We got to get out of here and save Stan.

I know! I will see you later.

Okay, how are we going to do this?

Gideon's got magic and like a zillion inches on us.

On the bright side, at least we're finally the same height again.

Actually...

(DIPPER GRUNTING)

You're still taller?

Argh! How did this happen?

I guess it's another mystery.

Just another reason we gotta get that flashlight back.

Cheekums, to freedom!

To freedom!

Aw! You're just a big ol' dummy-dum!

I have a plan.

(MUNCHING)

Clean me!

Father, could you give widdle ol' me a wide to the Mystery Shack?

Oh, I'd love to, sugar-pie, but I have a heck of a lot of cars to sell, I do.

(LAUGHS)

No, no! Don't tickle me! No!

Never! Never tickle me! What have I told you? What have I...

Look at me. What have I told you?

Tickling is no laughing matter.

-There we go. -Do you still need a ride?

I'll just take the bus!

"Ivah!

Precious memories.

Just keep vacuuming. Just keep vacuuming.

Come on!

We need to get higher.

Yeah, especially you because you're short.

Mabel! Up there.

What cute little thing are you off to, you cute little cutey-face?

I'm going to annihilate my archenemy's entire family!

Oh. Okay!

(WEAKLY) Yay!

He's heading to shrink Stan!

Oh, flying discount dollar, if only you could fly us back to the Mystery Shack.

Maybe it can.

(GASPS)

MY SKY-high prices!

DIPPER: Yeah! MABEL: Whoa-hon:!

Down there!

MABEL: Yay: DIPPER: Whoa:!

To the Mystery Shack!

(SHOUTS)

DIPPER: Yeah! Whoa-hoe! MABEL: Yeah!

BOTH: Oh! Yeah!

We're just in time.

-But how are we going to stop him? -(PECKING)

(SCREAMS) Shoo! Ah!

(DIPPER GRUNTING)

Leave that to Mabel!

(LAUGHING)

(HUMMING)

I'm coming for you, Stanford. Ow!

I'm sorry, gummy friend!

It's for the greater good.

Ow! One of those infernal Gummy Koalas has gotten into my perfect hair!

I can't defeat Stan looking like this!

Whoa'! Whoo-ee!

Quick. Get in front and I'll re-grow you.

Okay. Wait, you're gonna grow us back to equal height, right?

Dipper! That doesn't matter right now!

Well, if it doesn't matter then why don't you just do it?

Argh! Why are you acting so weird?

Why can't you just accept that I'm a little bit taller than you?

Oh, I'm acting weird?

You're the one who keeps calling me names and stuff!

-Oh, what? You mean like Little... -Don't say it!

GIDEON: Little Dipper.

'Ah!

I dare say you would've defeated me, if it wasn't for your sibling bickering.

The Shack is mine, Stanford Pines!

BOTH: No!

Well, well, Stanford, it appears I've finally gotten the best of...

Huh?

What!

All right, something's definitely different here.

(ALL GRUNT)

DIPPER: Whoa!

Tell me where Stan is!

Never! You'll never find Stan.

On the second door to the left down the hall.

Wait, why did I say that?

Stanford, I'm coming for ya!

(ALL GRUNTING)

I guess I kind of Soosed that one up, didn't I?

It's not your fault, Soos.

I'm the guy who put together that shrinking device.

I guess it's just... You kept teasing me, Mabel.

Like, all day. What was that all about?

I guess it's that, you're better at me at, like, everything.

And you always rub it in my face.

Chess, checkers, ping pong.

I guess I finally felt like I was winning at something for once.

Oh, man, now I feel like a big jerk.

Don't you mean a little jerk?

-Oh. -(BOTH LAUGH)

All right, I walked into that one. Are we cool?

-We're cool. -Am I cool?

-You're cool, Soos. -Yes!

(GASPS)

Stanford!

Oh, hi, Gideon!

I've been looking for someone to try out my new mirror maze.

Then again, you're an idiot. That's the end of the sentence.

You come back here!

STAN: Try and find me, twerp.

(STAN LAUGHING)

Let's get that flashlight before Gideon gets Stan.

There it is!

(ALL GRUNTING)

Whoa! His hair's so shiny.

No! Don't look directly at it!

This neck is really squishy. Look! I'm making fat angels!

Ew! Termites!

Tell my story!

Oh.

Hey, there you are!

Thought you could get away from me, eh, corn chip?

Eh'.

BOTH: Ah!

Ahhh!

(STAN LAUGHING)

[[511 Hey, watch the merchandise!

(GRUNTING)

You little troll!

These mirrors cost me 10... I mean, 25... Five hun...

$500 each. And you're paying for all of 'em!

Au contra-lire, it will be you who pays!

Grunkle Stan is doomed!

Not completely doomed! To his armpit!

-Uh-uh. -Just, come on!

Whoa! What is that thing?

Finally, after all these years, after every humiliation!

Your business, your family, everything will finally be mine!

You have no one to protect you now!

Prepare for the wrath of Gideon Glee... Gideon Glee...

(LAUGHING)

Uh. I don't even know how to respond to this.

No! Stop it!

Look, kid. I think this rivalry thing is getting to you.

Ha. I understand, I mean, I'm a formidable foe, what can I say.

[[511 Hey, now, come on. You'll get me one of these days.

Maybe, you know, run your evil plan by some friends next time, huh?

Workshop it. But first get your issues in order there.

Up, up. Over the carpet, there we go, around the end table and out the door.

BOTH: Whoa!

My light!

You're the light of my life, too, pal.

Whoa'!

Freak show.

-After you. -It's okay, you can go first if you want...

Hey, you let me keep my extra millimeter!

You earned it.

-Aw, thanks, "Little brother." -Stop it.

Guess we should destroy this thing.

You know, so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands and junk.

Seems like the smart thing to do.

MABEL: Die! Die!

SOOS: There you dudes are!

I've been trying to get your attention!

-Glue. -Lots of glue.

Oh, son, don't you mind that Stanford Pines.

You'll get your revenge one of these days.

No! It's not just about revenge!

I want that shack. The physical building.

But why?

Because it holds a secret you couldn't possibly imagine.

(EVIL LAUGH)

Uh, sweetie, you want some ice cream?

Did you pick out all the nuts?

Mmm-hmm.

(SNORTING)

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

Little more?

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

GIDEON: That's good.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Mr. Pines, I'm from the Winninghouse Coupon Savers Contest and you are our big winner!

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

I guess we'll have to give the prize to our runner-up winner.

"Fiddleford H. McGucket."

How would you like $10,000,000?

It's my dream come true!

Cross this town off our list.