01x16 - Carpet Diem

[bunniefuu]

Whoa! Total domination!

I am the master of attic-stuff mini-golf!

From the mighty Swiss Alps to the badlands of Dipper's old laundry where man fears to tread.

All right, let a pro on the field.

Uh, floor. Whatever.

(grunts)

Stan: Ow! My head!

It hit me right in the head!

Yes! Stan sh*t! Is that legal?

(snorts)

The judges say it's out of bounds.

-You're out of bounds! -Hey! Stop it!

(both laughing)

Hey, Dipper, I gotta go hang out with Candy and Grenda tonight.

Aw, again? You can't leave mid-game!

Don't be silly, I'm not leaving!

My friends are coming to me!

Wait, what?

Oh, no. No, no, no!

Sleeping bags? Rom-come?

Calling All Boys preteen edition?

You're not having a... both: Sleepover!

(screaming)

II'

Mabel: Okay, so how much do you like boys?

So much!

Boys make me think about kissing.

-Candy, oh my gosh! -Oh.

We are so crazy tonight!

(girls shrieking)

(Grenda hitting floor)

Who wants to smear makeup on my face?

Ugh, you're already so beautiful, Grenda.

What would be the point?

(chanting while smashing) Beautiful! Beautiful!

-(chanting and smashing continue) -(groaning)

Mabel! Do you think you can do this somewhere else?

You're laughing at frequencies only clogs should hear!

Come on, it's not that bad.

You know what your brother needs?

(gasps) A makeover?

(Dipper screaming)

(goat bleating)

(sighs) Hey, Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight?

Of course, dude.

You've just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block.

Beep-e-do-boop. Boop. Beep. Beep y-de-boop. Bop-hoop. Boop The trick is to hold perfectly still.

-(hissing) -Ow! Wait, wait.

-(hissing) -Ow! Wait, wait.

-(hissing) -Ow! Wait, wait.

I think I'll sleep somewhere else.

-(hissing) -Ow! Ow! Ow!

-Actually felt good that time. Ow! Wait, wait. -(hissing)

(sighs) Sleeping under the stars.

Not bad.

(screaming) Get off! (screaming) Get away!

(shrieking and laughing)

All: You go, girl!

This is still better.

Ugh. What happened last night?

Whoa!

What's up, party girl?

I don't know what I was kissing in there, but I have no regrets.

Candy falls down now! (grunts)

That was awesome, girls. See you again soon!

Hey, brother. You want any of this leftover pizza?

It's got glitter on it!

Mabel, last night an owl tried to eat my tongue.

(chuckles) That's great.

No, it's not great! This is impossible to live with!

What? I'm delightful to live with!

Get ready to be poked by the fun stick!

_Boop! _Aah!

Mabel, I've had it with the fun stick.

You've totally wrecked our room.

And (gasps) oh no! Our mini golf course!

(chuckles) Yeah.

Grenda sure loves breaking things.

Mabel, we need to lay down some ground rules if we're going to be living in this room together.

First of all: no sleepovers.

What? If I can't have sleepovers, then you can't keep me up every night with your summer reading.

How does reading keep you up?

(gasps) Oh. (chuckles) Interesting.

-(pen clicking) -But who stole the capers?

'(clickmg pe ) n Tch tch I Well, at least my braces don't whistle when I breathe.

At least I wash my clothes once in a while.

Washing clothes is a waste of time. I'm a busy guy.

(mocking) Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

All right, if you "meow" one more time...

(mocking) Meow, meow, meow!

Okay, that's it! That's the final straw!

Maybe we shouldn't share a room any more.

Well... (grunts) Well, maybe we shouldn't.

-Fine by me. -Double-fine by me.

Then we need to talk to Grunkle Stan about moving rooms.

Yeah, he's a reasonable guy.

(grunting)

Fight! Fight! Fight!

(remote control clicking)

Fight! Fight! Fight!

(remote control clicking)

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Announcer on TV: Baby Fights!

TV. It knows what I want.

Grunkle Stan, we want different rooms.

Ha! And I want a pair of magic money pants.

It's not gonna happen.

Magic money pants?

Come on, Grunkle Stan. Can't we work something out?

Look, kid, there's my room and the attic. That's it.

Whaddya think, there's some kind of secret, hidden room in the Shack?

Soos: Dudes, I found some kind of secret, hidden room in the Shack!

Okay, so I was cleaning up behind this bookcase when boom! Mystery door! This old shack is full of weird secrets.

(mouse chittering)

-Whoa! -(gasps) Classy.

(inhales and blows)

(coughs)

"Experiment seventy-eight."

Grunkle Stan? What is this place?

I don't know. Just another room I gotta clean up now.

This carpet is amazing!

Yeah, if you're into things that are terrible.

Problem solved! I'll move in here.

What? Why do you automatically get the room?

We both saw it at the same time.

Wait a second. So you both want this room, huh?

I guess I'll give it to whichever one of you I like more.

Uh-oh. Looks like my shoe's untied.

-(both struggling) -Dipper: Give it to me!

(evil laughter) To the kitchen!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

-(both panting) -Soos: Whoa.

I don't know, dudes. This room gives me major creep-o vibes.

You know, the attic is a pretty good space.

Maybe you two should appreciate what you've got.

-I gotta have that room! -Grunkle Stan!

Huh. Hey, what do I know?

Maybe there's nothing creepy going on in this room.

-(both grunting) -Stan: All right kids, here's how it's gonna go down.

Whoever sucks up the hardest gets the key to the new room.

Grunkle Stan, we're not gonna suck up to you just to get the new room.

-Yeah we are! -Ten suck up points for Mabel.

I mean, uh, yeah we are. (chuckling)

Trying too hard. Minus 15 suck up points.

-What?! -Good decision, Grunkle Stan!

Trying way too hard! Plus 50 suck up points! Ha ha!

Now, who wants to re-tile the roof in searing a hundred and five degree heat?

-Me, me, me! No, Dipper, give it here! -Me, me! I'll do it!

(chuckling)

-Ah, Stan, you're a good uncle. -(kids fighting)

Mabel: I'll k*ll you!

(sighs)

Dipper, you're phoning it in!

(smacks lips) Ah. Man, that's refreshing.

Ten suck up points for this lemonade.

(high-pitched voice) Thank you, Stan.

Ho-ho! Ten more for politeness.

(slurping) Oh, and so sweet!

(sighs)

All these chores will be worth it when I get this room.

Shag carpeting? Come on.

Hey brother, don't get too comfortable.

I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face.

I have seen the face of beauty.

Face it. I'm like a suck up ninja.

This room's as good as mine.

You might as well give up now.

-What do you say? -I say I'm gonna win this room somehow, and when I do, I'll finally have my own space I will never have to share anything ever again!

Both screaming)

dipper (as Mabel): Ugh... What happened?

Mabel (as Dipper): Dipper? Why are you wearing my clothes?

And my... Face!

Mabel (as Dipper): Am I in your body?

Dipper (as Mabel): Am I in your body?

(both screaming)

(vomits and screams)

(Dipper screaming)

(panting, screaming)

Mabel (as Dipper): Get out! Get out! Get out!

Dipper (as Mabel): This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This isn't happening.

(Mabel screaming)

Dipper (as Mabel): Great, just what we need. More Gravity Falls weirdness.

Mabel (as Dipper): This is stupid!

Sharing a room was bad enough. Now we're sharing bodies?

Dipper (as Mabel): Ugh, braces are horrible. It's like my mouth hates me!

And what are these things?

Mabel (as Dipper): I wanna know why you're so sweaty! And awkward.

Dipper (as Mabel): Hey, look! Experiment seventy-eight!

"Electron Carpet." Atoms can swap electrons.

This carpet must build up a static charge so powerful it can swap minds.

It was the static electricity. Maybe, we could use it to switch back!

Mabel (as Dipper): Phew. (chuckles) Glad I'm switching back.

(chuckles) If I was you, I would totally lose the contest.

Dipper (as Mabel): And if I was you, which I am, I could sabotage myself!

Then Mabel would lose all her points and the room would go to Dipper!

Mabel (as Dipper): Wait, what?

Dipper (as Mabel): Oh, Stan! I've always hated you! (laughs)

See who he gives the room to now!

Mabel (as Dipper): No! Wait! (grunts) Tie your shoes!

Mm. Those cannibals are onto something, I taste delicious!

Dipper (as Mabel): Grunkle Stan!

What's the word, Mabel?

Dipper (as Mabel): That's right! It's me, (grunts) Mabel!

If you like that omelet, you'll love this: a sandwich made out of rocks!

Candy rocks?

Dipper (as Mabel): Regular rocks!

Keep that up, and I'll be giving your brother this key.

Dipper (as Mabel): (laughs) I mean, darn.

Mabel (as Dipper): Hey, Grunkle Stan! Your face looks like a butt!

-What? -Mabel (as Dipper): Breaking stuff is so much fun!

I am Dipper and I stink!

Dipper (as Mabel): Mabel's gone bananas! Bing! Zow! Balow! (laughing)

Well! This is getting weird.

Dipper (as Mabel): Wait! Are you gonna dock Mabel points?

Mabel (as Dipper): Dipper should lose all his points! Ah!

Dipper (as Mabel): Grunkle Stan!

(grunting)

Waddles, you got it good, bro. You got no worries.

I mean, nobody thinks it's cute when I lie naked on the living room floor.

I wish I could be a pig.

(Soos yelps)

Soos (as Waddles): Yes! I should do out loud wishing more often.

(sniffs) Is that a corn cob I spy?

(grunts) I got little legs!

Waddles (as Soos): (snorts)

(squeals)

(slurps)

Hey, Soos, what's up? Have you seen my--

Uh, I'll come back later.

Dipper (as Mabel): Grunkle Stan, come back! I have more terrible things to do!

You're toast, Mabel! That room's as good as mine!

(pants, grunts)

There you are, Mabel!

att*ck her with love!

Yeah!

Candy and Grenda: Sleepover!

Dipper (as Mabel): What? No! No, no, no! (screams)

Mabel (as Dipper): Dipper? Hey, wait! Wait, come back!

Hey! Uh, could I talk to my, um, sister for a sec?

This is a sleepover, buddy. No boys allowed!

(Candy and Grenda laughing)

Dipper (as Mabel): Look, guys, I'm not really in a sleepover mood right now.

One of my irrational girl mood swings, you know?

Right? Don't we have those?

Come on! My mom's age-inappropriate romance novels aren't going to read themselves! Whoo-hoo!

"Wolf man Bare Chest."

Mabel (as Dipper): Ooh.

Dipper (as Mabel): (nervous chuckle) Really, I should probably, uh-- (gasps)

Come on! You know you love it!

"My name is Gerard. I am a werewolf, creature of the night, but I am also a creature of passion."

(laughing)

(nervous grunt)

Mabel (as Dipper): Gerard is just so fierce.

What's going on, Dipper?

(gasps)

Ah. You're at that creepy age where you spy on girls, huh?

Guess it's time we had a man-to-man talk about the birds and the bees, you know.

Mabel (as Dipper): (stutters) I, I should really be goi--

No way out of it!

Look, it all begins with this little fella, the pituitary gland.

He may be little, but he has big plans.

(screaming)

Soos (as Waddles): I wonder what rollicking adventures I'll stumble into.

A mud puddle! Do I dare live out the cliché?

(laughing)

McGucket, McGucket, McGucket! Wow!

Soos (as Waddles): (laughs) I'm a pig! Oink, oink, right? (chuckles)

Free meal!

Soos (as Waddles): No! Don't eat me! I'm a man trapped in a pig's body!

That's what they all say!

Soos (as Waddles): (huffs and puffs) Help! Police!

(gasps) A bearded witch chasing a talking pig!

My horoscope came true.

Now read mine!

-What are you? Gemini? -You knew?

Yeah, of course, I knew!

And now you know where babies come from.

Mabel (as Dipper): Goodbye, childhood.

You know, I find you more likable today than usual.

Maybe you could still win that game after all.

-Mabel (as Dipper): Huh? -I was gonna give that new room to Mabel--

Mabel (as Dipper): No, you should! Give it to Mabel!

You big jerk!

What did you say to me?

Mabel (as Dipper): I said, uh, shut up, old man!

You're fat and dumb, and you're a dummy, and take that!

Finally standing up to me, huh?

(laughs) I love it!

You know, I've made up my mind. The room belongs to you, Dipper.

Mabel (as Dipper): You can't! You have to give it to Mabel!

Shh. You had me at "shut up, old man."

Mabel (as Di No! pper):

The end.

Dipper (as Mabel): Phew.

Grenda: Now for the thirty-eight sequels! dipper No! e'):

'm gonna make you into bacon!

Soos (as Waddles): (chuckles) That sounds pretty good. Wait, I mean, "O!

Three, four, five. It's him! My dream date!

Hello?

Hello, baby, this is Kevin. My beach house has room for two.

Kevin has the voice of a robot.

Don't ruin this for me, Candy! It's your turn, Mabel.

(panting)

Dipper (as Mabel): I gotta win the room.

Stan! It's me, Mabel! I'm doing things you hate!

(grunts)

Mabel (as Dipper): (sighs) It's over, Dipper. Stan gave you the room.

Dipper (as Mabel): (laughs) Yes! All right!

(clearing throat) Well, let's switch bodies then, and I can start moving in!

Mabel (as Dipper): Wait a minute. You can't have the room, if you can never get in!

Dipper (as Mabel): Hey, come back!

(grunting, panting) dipper (as Mabel): Come on! (grunts)

Open the door, Dipper! I mean, Mabel.

(sighs) How am I ever gonna get in there?

Hmm.

Kevin, for the last time, I am not interested!

How could you say that to Kevin?

Dipper (as Mabel); Hey, girls!

Who wants to give my brother a makeover?

(gasps)

Oh, good, Soos. You got a second?

Look, times are tough, uh, economy or something, etcetera.

Basically, I have to cut your pay.

Wh-what are you doing?

(snorts)

Is this some sort of negotiating tactic? 'Cause it's not gonna work!

(growls)

Fine! I was lying! I'll give you a raise! Just never do that again.

Ugh! Nightmare!

Can you help me? I'm looking for directions.

Oh, you'll show me the way? Such a gentleman!

(panting)

Candy and Grenda: It's Candy and Grenda!

Mabel (as Dipper): Friends!

Hey, guys! What's up?

Dipper? W-wait! Don't let him in here!

-Makeover! -Mabel (as Dipper): No, no, no! Stop! Stop!

Whoa! Whoa! No!

We're gonna make you so hot!

Mabel (as Dipper):Wait, no! Stop! Guys, you have to listen to me! No!

Dipper (as Mabel): Good job, ladies! Now, let me just add one final touch!

Ooh, uh.

Ah. My body! I'm a genius! (chuckles)

Ugh. All right, Mabel, the room is mine.

Wait, hold on here. What just happened?

Ugh. I barely understand it.

All I know is if you shuffle your feet on this carpet, you can switch bodies or whatever.

'Zip-zip! 'No!

Dipper (as Candy): Aw, come on!

Candy (as Dipper): I am a boy now!

(deep voice) What's up, bro? Lets grow some moustaches!

Dipper, give me that key back!

(grunting)

Guys! Stop fighting!

Dipper (as Grenda): Oh, no! Then again, I like having muscles for once.

Grenda (as Mabel): Wow! Now I have tiny little doll hands!

Mabel (as Candy): Everybody, look. Swap back in three, two...

-Soos (as Waddles): Oh, dude! -Come back! I wanna deep fry your ears!

Dipper (as Grenda): No! Give me my body back!

(indistinct yelling)

TV announcer: Tonight on Baby Fights!

Tensions rise between Madison and Avery at Baby Fight headquarters.

-Mabel (as Candy): Give me my body back! -Candy (as Dipper): I want my body!

(grunts)

Grenda (as Old Man McGucket): Cool! I'm Santa Claus!

Old Man McGucket (as Candy): Whoo-ee! (laughs) I've regained my innocence!

Dipper (as Waddles): (sighs) Well, I guess I'm a pig now. So that's a thing.

(chomping)

Soos (as Grenda):This body's not that different from my old one.

We got some reports of excessive giggling.

(giggling)

Blubs (as Old Man McGucket): My horoscope didn't say anything about this!

Durland (as Dipper): (yelps) What's happening to me? Ow! Ow! (laughing)

Candy (as Blubs): I am a police officer now! (giggles)

Grenda (as Durland): Let's go get some perps, Candy!

-Dipper (as Waddles): Give me that key, Mabel! -Never!

(indistinct yelling)

Mabel, are you you?

Yeah, I'm me.

Well, I've got the key!

(huffing and puffing)

Mabel! The room's mine! Give it to me!

(fighting, grunting)

What's with you? Why do you need that room so bad?

I never even wanted to move out!

Me either!

Wait, what? Say that again.

I-- I never wanted to move out.

Then what was all this?

Everything was fine until you started bringing your friends around every night.

I mean, hanging out with you this summer has been fun.

But-- now, you're always with Candy and Grenda. And I'm, like, just left behind.

(clicks tongue) Aw, Dipper...

It's okay. I've just been having a hard time.

You wouldn't understand what I'm going through.

You're probably feeling awkward and sweaty, huh?

Yeah. How did you know?

Here. I won't fight you for it.

Thanks.

Well, it looks like everyone's back to normal!

(gasping, breathing)

Except for Soos, who may be a pig permanently?

(chomping)

Oh, no, I changed back. At least, I think I did.

I'll still eat ya.

Okay, pal, that's enough of that. Move it along.

Mabel: Move it along, weird old man.

(snorting)

Huh, I guess being a pig wasn't that great after all.

Hey, let me get that spot you can never reach.

(snorts)

Hey, I've been thinking, and the answer is yes! I will marry you!

Wait, (stutters) I don't remember anything about a--

(through closed mouth) Oh, all right.

(grunts and sighs) Ah. There.

Ah, a man in his own space. (sips)

That's right! Finally.

So what are you gonna do with this old thing?

Get rid of it.

(chuckles) You got it. Yeesh, this carpet's ugly.

Ah. Finally, my own room. Good night, Mabel.

Good night, Dipper.

Hey, um, do you wanna have a sleepover?

Fore!

(laughs)

Stan: (yells) Why am I even out here at night?

(laughing)

So, what are we gonna do with that new room?

I gave it to Soos to replace that horrible break room he has.

Hey, do you know what the deal was with that lady?

(crying) I just don't think I can do this anymore.

You just seem so different.

(crying)

Look, dude, uh, I'm playing a little bit of catch up here.

I was in a pig's body for most of the day.

(stutters) What's going on?

Can we kiss again? Is, is that an option?

Ow! Wait, wait.