01x18 - Land Before Swine

[bunniefuu]

Focus, Deputy, remember your training. Easy, easy...

(grunts)

You're almost there!

(grunts)

Dang it! I almost got the treasure!

The time we spend together is treasure enough.

Hey, you feel that?

( Screams )

Reckon we should report that.

Or go for a ride in our new convertible!

-Whee! -( chuckles ) Yeah!

( Screeching )

II'

Ladies and gentlemen, continuing our mystery tour you'll see the world famous outhouse of mystery!

-( Gasp ) -Stan: I got stuck in there once!

Could I go to the bathroom?

Save all questions until after the tour!

(grunts)

( Sighs )

And up ahead if you look really closely, everybody get your cameras, you're gonna wanna see this.

(Oinks)

Finally, Waddles! We have the whole house to ourselves!

What do you think, dance party?

( Snorts twice )

I'm not hearing a no.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes.

( Sighs, grunts )

( licks )

Uh-oh. Cuddle time!

( Chuckles )

Waddles, can I tell you a secret?

You're my favorite pig in the whole world.

( Yawns )

( snores )

( Snickers )

( Yells, grunts )

Mabel, what are you doing on the floor?

Being cute and great.

And I thought your brother was weird.

No. He's more like...

(imitates Dipper) ( shudders ) Let's solve a mystery.

I kiss a pillow with Wendy's face drawn on it.

( laughs ) That's pretty good. Kissing a pillow!

Go! Go! Chew that pant leg!

( Gasps, grunts )

All right, outside. Now!

No! Grunkle Stan!

It's not safe for Waddles outside.

There's predators! And bar-b-quers.

That's just the natural order.

It's not my fault your pig is potentially delicious!

He should be inside like a person!

People don't roll around in their own filth.

Except for Soos.

And we're the lesser for it.

Maybe we're the ones who should be put outside.

Huh? Huh? Think about it. Hmph!

Today is the day, Soos!

Thanks for coming along on this mission.

Dude, it's an honor!

Today I'm sweating from heat and excitement! Whew!

Something hiding in these woods.

Something big enough to rip the roof off a car.

If we get a photo of this thing, we'll be heroes!

Yeah, we'll get all the babes!

You'll be fending off smooches with a stick!

( Embarrassed chuckle ) Shut up, man!

With a stick, dude!

Here, gimme a boost.

( Grunts ) Got it. Ugh.

Is sap supposed to be this sticky? Ugh.

If everything goes according to plan, the creature will grab that steak, cross through the string, and set off cameras A, B and C.

And nothing can go wrong! High five!

( Grunting )

This was poorly planned.

( Roaring )

( Qasps )

Bobby Renzobbi: Hey, you!

Me?

Bobby Renzobbi: Sick of constantly dropping your baby?

Man on TV: Yes!

Hi, I'm Bobby Renzobbi!

And what you need is the Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle.

I can hold ten babies at once!

I know what you're thinking. Does it work for pigs?

( Chuckles ) Yeah, it does works for pigs, stupid!

Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours.

It works for pigs!

( Oinks twice )

( Gasps ) Grunkle Stan!

I'm off to get a Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle!

Yeesh. Isn't knitting matching sweaters for that pig enough?

Nope! Anyway, I need you to look after this little gentleman while I'm gone.

( Snorts, chewing )

Not now, kid. I got some tourists coming through.

Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles.

He's a fat, naked jerk.

But you do care about me.

Promise me you won't let him outside.

Fine. Yeah, yeah. I promise.

Thanks, Grunkle Stan!

(oinking )

I'm watching you, pig.

'( Oinks) -Ugh!

We did it! It tripped the wire!

Somewhere in these cameras is a photo of that creature!

I'll go develop the film!

I'll go make us victory nachos! Dipper and Soos for life!

-Boosh! -( chuckles )

And here, ladies and gentlemen, is our final exhibit.

The most hideous creatures known to man!

-( laughing ) -Look, it's us!

Right? Right? We, ( chuckle )

We have fun here. But seriously, folks.

This is something. I present to you, a unicorn made out of corn, the Cornicorn! I, I don't know. I'm tired.

_Huh? _( Qasp )

What the--

( squeals, chewing )

What a rip off! Kids! We're leaving!

No! No!

( Growls ) Ya"!

Come on, come on.

Hmm!

That's a wing! If camera B got the wing, then the one that should have got the rest is...camera C!

( Panting )

The creature!

Who wants victory nachos?

[[511 Dude, don't worry. I only ate, like, a third of 'em.

Half of 'em. ( chuckles ) I ate all of 'em, dude!

Just ten minutes without this pig in the house. Is that so much to ask?

There. Mabel asks, this never happened.

(imitates Mabel) "Oh but, Grunkle Stan, it's not safe out there! There's predators!"

Oh, brother.

( Roaring )

( Frantic oinking )

( Squeal )

( Roars )

Aah!

I can't believe you, man!

Sorry, dude. I was just so excited. Nachos cause excitement!

Soos, no offense, but you have got to be more careful sometimes.

I mean, what are the odds we'll ever get another picture of--

( roaring )

( Squeals )

( 985D )

( Panting )

( Qasps )

( Roaring )

Dude! Did you see that? That thing was a dinosaur, bro!

How is it possible a dinosaur survived sixty-five million years?

Did you see it, Mr. Pines? Mr. Pines?

It, it, it took him.

-Took what? -The pig.

It took Waddles.

What'd you say about Waddles?

( Chuckles ) Whoa, awkward silence.

Blah!

What's going on? Why are you standing around all awkwardly?

And where's Waddles?

Um, uh... The good news is, you're getting a puppy!

What happened?

Well, see, uh, when the, uh--

Your pig got eaten by a p-terodactyl, bro.

What? Waddles? Waddles!

Where did he go? How did this happen?

( Panicked breathing )

Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him outside?

What? ( nervous chuckle ) No! I didn't put him anywhere.

I'm not acting suspicious! You're acting suspicious! What's a pig?

Then what happened?

Uh, look, it went down like this, see?

So there I was, in the living room...

Tenderly nursing him with only the richest of creams.

When all of a sudden...

( roars )

( Frantic oinking )

"Huh?"

So I said, ( screams )

"No dice, cowboy!"

( Fighting yell )

I start punching him right in the face.

(grunts)

But he played dirty!

"Huh?"

( Screams, grunts )

That really happened.

Why! Why couldn't you have taken me!

( Cries )

Oh, Grunkle Stan! You tried to save him!

Uh, yep! I'm a great man, all right.

You punched a pterodactyl in the face?

I thought you didn't even believe in the supernatural.

Dinosaurs aren't magic, they're just big lizards. Get off my back!

Oh, Waddles...

( sniffles )

That's it! No pterodactyl messes with my sister!

We're gonna go out there, catch him, and save your pig!

For Mabel, guys!

For Mabel!

But how do we even find the little guy?

( QaSPS ) We follow that.

-Oh! Sweet! -Yes! Genius!

Or, you know, we could just call it a day maybe, hit the pool hall or, uh...

Yeah! Let's go save Woggles!

-Waddles! -Him too.

All right! That p-terodactyl won't know what hit him!

( Chuckles ) It's "pterodactyl," man.

Actually nobody knows how to pronounce it because no one was alive back in dinosaur days, so, uh...

Whoa! Almost ran over my own head there.

( Chuckles ) Wow.

Mabel, we've gotta talk.

This is a really high-stakes mission, and I'm a little worried about Soos coming along on this one.

I love the guy but sometimes he messes stuff up.

What? Since when?

Sorry, dude.

Sorry, dude.

Look! A fairy!

( Chuckles )

Oh, sorry, dude, I k*lled that fairy!

Let him down easy.

This is so great! You and me, bro. Best friends!

Fighting and potentially high-fiving dinosaurs.

Soos, look, I uh, I gotta tell you something.

Okay, but before you do, check out these matching shirts I made for us!

Who's this guy right here? You. Totally you, dude.

And these rays indicate friendship.

So what was it you were going to tell me again?

Uh... P-terodactyl, here we come! ( nervous chuckle )

Yes!

( Sighs )

Bros before dines!

Okay, the red yarn leads to...

( scatting )

Old Man McGucket?

Howdy, friends!

What are you doing out here?

You'll never believe me! So I was doin' my hourly hootenanny

( scatting )

Ugh! This guy.

When this enormous wingly critter stole my musical spoons and flew lickety split into the abandoned mines, down yonder.

Whoa!

Looks kinda hairy down there.

Come on, Grunkle Stan. You can handle it!

You punched a pterodactyl in the face, remember?

Oh yeah! ( nervous chuckle )

I did do that, didn't I? ( nervous chuckle )

My! What suspicious laughter!

Guys, we're going in.

Need someone to tag along and tell weird personal stories?

No, thanks.

( Sighs ) So there I am, fighting a raccoon for the same piece of meat, when our mouths get close and we kiss accidentally!

( Sighs ) You can't take a hint, can you?

Nope!

( Screaming )

( Groaning )

Whoa...

-Sweet Moses! -Razzle dazzle!

Fancy marmalade!

These plants look all jurassic-y.

Huh, this little feller smells like battery acid.

(groans)

Looks like I lost my sense of smell! ( chuckles )

Oh, Waddles! We're gonna find you!

( Screams )

All: Wow!

They're all trapped inside tree sap!

That's how they survived for sixty-five million years.

Whoa!

The summer heat must be melting them loose.

Holy moly!

Forget the Cornicorn, this is the attraction of a lifetime!

I could bring people down here and turn this into some sort of theme park.

"Jurassic Sap Hole!"

Uh, dudes...

Maybe we should keep moving.

This could be a goldmine!

Velvety rope type deal there, ticket booth here...

Ha! I should've put that pig outside ages ago!

Wait, what did you just say?

-Hmm? What's that? -You said the dinosaur flew into the house.

-( Gasps ) -No, wait!

( Stutters ) If you think about it--

You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it!

And now, thanks to you, my pig could be dead!

Waddles could be dead!

Look, he's an animal! He belongs outside.

No! That's it!

Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again!

Look, you can't be serious!

Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them.

-Kid! -La-la-la-la-la!

I can't hear anyone. No one's talking to me!

Guys, guys, don't fight!

Why can't you be more like me and Dipper?

Look, everything's gonna be cool.

All we gotta do to find that pig is follow this here yarn!

We just keep following, and following and when we reach the end--

Oh. Uh-Oh.

Which, which cave was it again?

Ugh, Soos! You lost the trail!

Hey, come on, we'll find our way. Trust me!

( Screams )

-Sorry, dude. -Ugh, that is it!

See, this is why I didn't want to bring you along!

( Stutters ) What do you mean?

I mean, this is really important to Mabel and you keep screwing everything up!

You ruined our photograph, and now you've got us hopelessly lost!

But we're P-terodactyl Bros. I made T-shirts.

It's pronounced "terro-dactyl!"

And these shirts are useless. They're gigantic!

I. Have. A Different. Body Type. Dude!

-Oh, so it's my fault that... -I just thought that maybe you'd grow into 'em...

Who cares about shirts? Stan is a m*rder*r!

Come on, I was doing what was best for me--

Hey, cheer up, fellers! I fixed yer lantern.

( Scream )

( Mock scream )

( Chuckles ) What-- What are we doin'?

“Mm?

Nobody make any sudden movements or loud noises.

Yee-haw! We found a pterodactyl!

( Screeching )

( Screaming )

( Roars )

( Panicked panting )

( Roars )

Guys, we need a plan to get out of here.

Okay, okay. How's about Mabel knits Soos a pig costume...

I like it!

...and we use Soos as a human sacrifice.

I like it!

Whaddya say, Mabel?

Hmph!

Oh, come on, you can't stop talking to me forever!

Yeah, Mabel, we have to work together here.

Oh what, you wanna work with Mabel, but not your buddy Soos?

( Overlapping bickering )

(oinking )

Wait, did you hear that?

( Snorting )

Waddles!

-( Panting ) -Soos: Whoa. Wait, kid!

Dipper: Wait, Mabel!

Are you nuts?

Oh, is someone speaking? Because I can't hear anything!

Oh, no! She's gone deaf with fear!

Mabel! Come back here!

Waddles!

( Excited oink )

-Oh, my Waddles! -( oinking )

( Sighs ) I'll never lose you again!

( Whimpers )

Uh, Mabel...

Ssh! You're safe now.

Mabel, great, you got him, now we gotta get outta here!

( Panicked oink)

-( Oinking ) -( gasps ) Waddles, wait!

Huh?

(grunts)

-( Frantic oinking ) -Get off me, you dumb pig!

( Roars )

-Look out! -Aah!

-( High-pitched squeal ) -( screams )

-( Screams ) -( squeal )

-Oh, no! -Stan!

Mr. Pines!

( Screams )

( Grunting )

(groans)

( Happy oinking )

Yeah, you would enjoy this.

( Roars )

'( Gasps ) Aah! '( Oink )

Huh?

( 985D )

Guys! We've got to save them!

McGucket! Do you have an invention that can distract the pterodactyl?

Do I!

Nope.

( 985D )

Whoa! ( yell )

( chirps )

Awww!

Well, welcome to the world, little fell-- Aah!

( Scream )

( Roars )

The dumb thing must be hungry. I guess it's you or me, pig.

(grunts)

What are you lookin' at?

Aw, come on! Don't gimme that look.

What am I supposed to do? Let it eat me?

( Frustrated grunts )

Oh, I get it! You're trying to guilt me, well it ain't working, pal!

Who cares if you're Mabel's favorite thing in the world.

I can live without the kid talkin' to me all the time, telling me her jokes, making me laugh...

(oinking )

-( Chuckles ) Oh, dang it. -( roars )

Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done.

You want this pig?

( Oinks twice )

Then you're gonna have to get through me, you flying devil!

Come and get me!

( Growls )

( Yells )

( Slurping )

Oh, dude, did he really just eat that prospector guy?

That is messed up.

( Flags )

-I'm okay! ( yells ) -( gulps violently )

What do we do? What do we do?

We have to get in a straight line.

-What? -A pterodactyl's eyes are so far apart, that if you stand right in front of it, it can't see you.

Soos, you've been wrong about stuff all day! How can we--

Dude, look. ( stutters ) I know I've messed up a lot, I can be sorta clumsy and it's not always as lovable as I think.

But please, as my friend, just trust me on this one.

( Slurping, chewing, squeaking)

Get behind me, dudes!

( Slurping sounds, chewing )

( Shudders )

( Squeaks )

It's working!

(grunts)

( Struggling grunt )

( Squeaks )

( licking )

( Sighs )

Soos, you did it!

_( roaring ) _|.|uh?

Was that...

Stan?

'( Growls, grunts ) '( yowls )

(Oinks)

Waddles!

He's punching him in the face!

(grunts)

From heck's heart, I s*ab at thee!

( Squealing )

(grunts)

( Panting )

-Soos: Oh, yes! ( chuckles ) -Dipper: All right! Stan, you're all right! ( chuckles )

Oh, Mr. Pines, you're okay!

Here's your pig, kiddo.

( Happy grunting )

Ooh! Waddles! Aw... You saved him for me.

Yeah well, sometimes you just gotta-- Look out!

( Heavy breathing )

( Screams )

( Scream )

( Scream )

( Roaring )

We're trapped!

Quick! The geyser can sh**t us back up!

( Heavy breathing )

( Roaring )

Come on. Go! Go!

-( Roars ) -( screams )

Bros before dines!

( Scream )

( Sighs )

( Panting ) Oh.

I can't believe you did all that for Waddles.

Ah, well, I can't have my favorite niece not talking to me.

And if I gotta leap onto a pterodactyl and punch him in the face, then that's what I gotta do.

That's kinda sappy.

( Stutters ) What! That's how I feel!

-No, I mean... -Oh, yeah.

Gotcha! ( chuckles ) Uh-oh.

( Struggling grunts )

( Scream )

( Snore )

Check it out. That thing destroyed my vest.

Soos! Look!

A real dinosaur tooth! That's awesome!

Not as awesome as you saving us back there!

Pterodactyl Bros?

Pterodactyl bros.

( expl*si*n sound )

Hey, I pronounced it right that time!

Think we need to worry about the rest of those dinosaurs?

I doubt it.

I ate my way through a dinosaur!

( laughs )

Hi! I'm Bobby Renzobbi.

Are your arms jealous of your legs?

Then you need arm pants!

The pants that you wear on your arms!

Yeesh! Who actually buys this infomercial stuff?

( Embarrassed chuckle ) I know, right?

Cancel the order! Cancel the order!

-( Snorting ) -Snorting!

That's his tell! I fold.

Tough luck, sucker. Waddles was bluffing.

What? I had four aces! That pig is a wizard!

-( Chewing, snorting ) -Look at him. He's taunting me!

I've been cheating the last eight turns.

( laughs ) That's my girl!