02x03 - The Golf w*r

[bunniefuu]

Who wants Stan-cakes?

They're like pancakes, but they probably have some of my hair in 'em.

Pass.

It's here!

Aahh!

Oh, it's here! It's here! It's here! It's here!

I've been waiting all morning and it's finally here!

The Gravity Falls Gossiper accepted my article about summer fashion tips for squirrels.

My picture is gonna be in the newspaper!

Check it!

"Pacifica Northwest declares V-necks the look of the season.” What am I looking at here?

Wha-wha-what?

Looks like someone bought their way to the front page.

Is it legal for a child to wear that much make-up?

Ugh. Pacifica.

She always ruins everything.

Aww, cheer up, Mabel.

I mean, no one even reads newspapers anymore.

Dudes!

V-neck season is upon us!

Who wants to help me get ahead of the fashion curve?

I'm taking it one step further with the W-neck!

Must. Follow. Newspaper.

I need something to get my mind off this.

Looking for a distraction from your horrible life?

Why, yes!

Victory. Honor.

Destiny. Mutton.

These old timey sounding words are alive and well at the Gravity Falls Royal Discount Putt Hutt!

No mutton available at snack shop.

Hey, Mabel, you love mini-golf!

She's been amazing at it since we were kids.

What do you say, Mabel?

We've had a stressful couple of days.

How about we take a break, huh?

Would kicking all our butts at mini-golf cheer you up?

Maybe a little.

Come on, Mabel! Victory!

Honor!

Destiny!

Mutton!

Victory! Honor! Destiny! Mutton!

Victory! Honor! Destiny! Mutton!

And the pig can look after the house.

Ooh!

Ah, Mini-Golf. The sport of mini-champions.

The grass is fake but the fun is real.

There's something here for everyone.

Hey, you, stop!

Come back here!

Hey, those are lewd hand gestures!

Focus, focus, and...

Don't worry, bro, you're still

"ext-roar-dinary!"

I'll take what I can get.

To the hip we go, and...

Wha-- How'd I get here?

Yes!

Holy smokes!

Someone in our family actually has talent.

Grunkle Stan, you ain't seen nothin' yet!

♪ She's so good, yeah ♪

♪ Lookin' to hit that ball ♪

♪ She's got the skills ♪

♪ Takin' it to the hole ♪

Guys, this is amazing.

If Mabel gets a hole-in-one here, she'll b*at her all time high score!

You can do it, Mabel.

Pretend the ball is Pacifica's face.

Aw, nuts!

Ah, don't worry about it, kid. The thing's random.

Yeah, besides the Bermuda's Triangle, how mini golf works is the world's greatest mystery.

As far as I'm concerned, you're still better than anyone else is Gravity--

Oh, would you look at that?

I didn't know it was "hobos golf free" day.

Pacifica!

Well, if it isn't the Pines family.

Fat, old, lame, braces.

Soos, would it be wrong to punch a child?

I've got this.

Hey, Pacifica, how's that whole your-family-being-frauds thing working out for you?

Great, actually.

That's the thing about money.

It makes problems go away.

Well, can't buy you skill.

You walked into the game of the mini golf champion.

Sergei!

This is Sergei, my trainer.

The Sportlympics had mini golf once.

I took gold!

So if you don't mind moving out of the way of the professionals...

Enjoy second place. Give her a hand, folks!

Oh, yeah?

Well, I want a rematch, you-- you-- walking one dimensional bleached blonde valley girl stereotype!

Like, let's do this.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Honk! Honk! Ow!

Stop at once!

The park is now closed due to weather.

The King of Mini Golf has spoken.

Oh, the King is down!

This isn't over. You. Me. Midnight.

We'll see who's best.

I'll be here.

I'll be here.

Peh, peh! Hair in my mouth. Peh!

Time to scratch mini golf off my talents list.

Aww, don't give up, Mabel.

Yeah, if you b*at her at this, she could never rag on you again.

Imagine it.

Um, the section for ugly grandma clothes is over there.

Oh, yeah?

Well, the section for people who lost at mini golf is over there!

We came as fast as we could.

We heard a little girl got seriously b*rned!

Oh!

I'm ruined!

Up top!

Yay!

You're right, guys.

I just need to practice a little more before midnight.

Go to the golf course after dark, you say?

I don't know. We'd have to break in and--

Just kidding! Let's break in!

Oh, and, hey, Mabel!

Knock her dead, kid.

Darn! Poo-peck-darn!

Ugh! I don't get it!

What is wrong with this hole?

Did you hear that?

What? What is it?

Grab your club.

We good? We good?

All right then.

Hi! Hello! I'm Franz. And welcome to our home.

What is this?

Yeah.

Are you guys tiny humans? Or enormous mini-humans?

Neither. We're lilli-putt-tians!

Lilli-- Lilli-putt...

The name makes more sense written out than spoken.

And we control the balls! Behold!

Wow!

That's incredible!

And so needlessly complicated.

Aw, shucks.

It's only our life-long passion!

Would you like us to elaborate through song?

Nah, we're good.

So what are you hugelings doing here anyway?

We kind of have to play this golf tournament against my rival, Pacifica.

Oh, rivals. Rivals, rivals.

Oh, we know all about rivals.

Put a clog in it, ya windmill lubbers!

These really bottom popinjays are terrible at controlling the balls!

We are the ball masters, says I!

Shut your mouths, you showboating pirates!

Everyone knows the Eiffel Tower hole is the best!

Stay thee your comments, ye scurrilous Frenchmen!

None controllable is better than the knights of...

Wiener castle.

Who wrote this?

We'll settle which hole is best!

att*ck!

Charge!

Ooh, I'm shiverin' in me timbers.

Get ready to die!

Long live the mini king!

Die, you evil scum!

Ow!

Yarr!

These guys are a riot.

Guys, guys, calm down.

Your fighting is inadvertently adorable.

Adorable we are, hugeling, but our tale, less so.

Every hole in the park thinks that it's superior.

From the cowboys in the east to the grimy minors of the south.

If only there was some way to decide which side is best with maybe an award or, like a trophy.

I don't know.

But, Franz, look!

A sticker. Sticker.

The sticker. The sticker could decide!

It does say "the best" on it.

Decide for us, hugeling.

Choose which mini kingdom to give the sticker to and end our w*r!

Uh, I don't know, guys.

I'm not sure I want to get involved in your weird mini blood feud.

Psst!

Mabel, this is perfect.

These guys control the course.

Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win.

I'm not sure, Dipper.

I want to b*at Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like cheating?

Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life.

Hmm.

Thanks, man.

People of the 18 holes!

We're going to have a game of mini-golf!

And whoever does the best job helping me win gets the sticker!

It'll be us, lass, not these tulip munchers.

I will not be insulted by a man with no depth perception wearing earrings.

Just remember, as long as you're helping me, no fighting.

Dude, I'm cutting "W" s into all my shirts.

Got to give the public what they want.

Well, the kids are taking their time.

Looks like it's gonna be a while.

Sure are a lot of stars out tonight.

Well, this is gettin' weird.

Now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything.

Oh, oh, and also looks. Winning and looks.

Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a millions hours, okay?

I've got this.

You'll stay to watch, right?

Pacifica, darling. We have a party to go to.

We'll just read about your victory in the paper.

Sergei!

Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing.

You're a Northwest.

Don't lose.

How much do you want to bet they're no shows?

Looking for someone?

Waiting in the dark and not creepy at all.

Seriously, though?

I don't know why you bothered to come.

Unless you've got something up your sleeve.

Oh, I guess you could say we've got a little something.

Right? Right?

Eighteen holes. Standard rules.

Winner lives in glory. Loser wallows in eternal shame.

On your mark, Get set, Mini golf!

What?

Yeehaw!

Out of my way!

Are you serious?

Yarr, I say!

Miner hole.

I wonder what cute silly things are going on down there.

Stop!

You can't go in there! There's been a gas leak.

Anyone who goes in there will die!

I will take it.

No!

Don't go, Big Henry! We need you!

Go home, Polly.

Ahem.

Come on, Big Henry. You can do this.

Aah! No!

Sergei! Soda! Now'!

Okay, guys, that was badonkulous!

Hey, hey. Little high fives, everyone.

Little high fives all around.

Nice one. You did it. You're the man!

I don't want to call it out early, but I think the Miners might have one of these in their future.

Are you kidding me?

After everything we've worked for?

Calm yourself, Franz.

There may be another way to win the hugelings' favor.

Knock on wood.

There's something going on, Sergei.

I can feel it.

Maybe they has little people who control where balls go.

Whew!

We got to get you English lessons.

I mean, think about it. I'm globally ranked.

It's ridiculous that she's b*ating me.

Ugh, Pitt Cola. I always forget about the pit.

Get me a different one, Sergei.

Huh?

This is bad.

I can't wait to see the look on Pacifica's face when we win.

I'm thinking it will be like...

You know how she does that?

Dipper, is it bad that I feel good about her feeling bad?

Just enjoy your victory, Mabel.

Trust me, Pacifica will be fine.

What's going on here? Let me go!

What did I miss?

Let me go, you creeps!

Welcome, twins! Welcome!

I can tell you're loving this, right?

Right? No?

What are you guys doing?

This wasn't part of the deal, tiny Dutchman!

Okay, so we saw you were favoring the Miners and we figured, what's better than b*ating Pacifica?

Pfft!

k*lling her, right?

As if. I'm calling my parents.

Where is my phone?

Send.

Hey, hey!

So how about it, hugeling? Who's the best now?

Not so fast, landlubbers!

If you're going to play dirty, so are we.

Now give us the sticker or he walks the plank.

No, give us the sticker!

The Miners! The sticker's for the Miners!

Give it to us! Give it to us!

Remember Big Henry!

Enough!

You know what? No one gets the sticker!

No. No. Nuh-uh.

No booing. Stop. No.

No one gets the sticker 'cause you're all being jerks.

I mean, why can't you just get along?

Because we hate each other.

That's kinda how rivalries work, lass.

Well then maybe...

Maybe rivalries are dumb.

Maybe you don't settle them with petty competitions.

Maybe the only way to be "the best" is by ending the fighting and working together!

It's all so clear.

If we work together...

Then we can cut open her belly and get the sticker.

Get the girl! Slice her open!

You guys aren't appreciating the lesson here!

Sticker! Sticker! Sticker!

Help!

We've got to get out of here!

I have to save Pacifica first!

After her!

Ah, Mr. Dipper! Nyet! Nyet!

Don't freak out, man! The water's shallow!

There is literally no way to drown.

Seriously?

Ugh, took you long enough. And watch the earrings!

They're worth more than your house!

You know, on second thought, maybe I won't untie you.

Untie me! Untie me!

That's what I thought.

We have you on miniature pencilpoint.

There's no way around us.

You ready to putt?

Way ahead of you.

Huh?

Hey, you're actually not that terrible.

A little rusty, but...

Just shut up and putt!

Get on! Get on!

g*n it!

Don't let them escape!

Sergei overboard!

I'll get a new one.

They're shutting us in!

Don't even think about it.

You call yourself a golfer?

Without us, that club is useless in your hands.

Oh yeah? What's ten minus six?

Ten-- Hang on.

Fore!

Stay out, you dumb hugelings!

We're done with you.

What did you say, you little trolls?

I will sue you.

I will sue you and I will own you.

You two.

I don't know what you did or what's going on, but if you think just because you saved my life, I--

I'm sorry, Pacifica.

We shouldn't have cheated.

You totally would've b*at me fair and square.

You're just lucky this sticker looks fantastic on me.

Hey! You're parents aren't here.

You want a ride home?

Puh-leaze, as if I'd ride in your--

♪ Singin' the drivin' song ♪

♪ Headlights are out ♪

♪ Can't really see where I'm goin' ♪ Ugh!

Hey, I found two tacos!

You're allowed to eat in the car?

Yeah, the car is where secret surprise snacks happen.

Want one?

Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts.

Handouts? It's called sharing!

You do know what sharing is, right?

Shar-- Shaar-ing?

Just take it.

Thanks for the ride, or whatever.

Oh, and Mabel...

I can't believe I'm saying this but I had fun.

And tell your servant I like his W neck!

Yes!

So are you guys, like, cool now?

I think we made some progress.

The important thing to remember is that at the end of the day, she's just an ordinary kid like us.

Should've charged her for that taco.

Agreed.

Hey, you got any more of those surprise tacos?

Laugh now, hugelings. But Franz will have his day.

Franz will--

Sand trap! Ow! Ow!

♪ We control the balls, we control the balls! ♪

♪ From Birmingham to Montreal ♪

♪ We control the balls ♪ Guys I figured it out! We control the balls!

Now he gets it!

Oh, you guys!

♪ Our lives are filled with nonstop fun ♪

♪ But there's nothing like a hole in one ♪ Can I go now?

Never!