02x12 - A Tale of Two Stans

[bunniefuu]

Wait up. Yeah, you should keep up.

I can keep up.

Whoa!

Neato!

Mysterious, boarded-up cave.

It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms.

Or Mesoamerican gold.

Uh, ladies first.

Ha ha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter.

I've got the other thing.

What is it called? Oh, right, punching.

Cool. Splinters.

Whoa! It's SO creepy in here.

Hey, don't worry, bro.

Wherever we go, we go together.

Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place.

Pines, Pines, Pines, Pines.

Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here.

Brother!

Ow! What the heck was that for?

This was an insanely risky move, restarting the portal.

Didn't you read my warnings?

Warnings, schmarnings.

How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kinda sci-fi sideburn dimension.

Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did 30 years ago?

What I did?

Why, you ungrateful...

Don't expect me to go easy on you just because you're family.

Hey, hi. Mabel here.

Quick question.

What the heck is going on here?

Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here.

And some sort of large, hairless gopher.

Ha ha, I get that a lot.

They're your family, Poindexter.

Shermy's grandkids.

I have a niece, and a nephew?

Greetings. Do kids still say greetings?

I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time.

Whoa, six-fingered handshake.

It's a full finger friendlier than normal.

Ha ha, I like this kid. She's weird.

I... I can't believe it.

You're the author of the journals.

You've read my journals?

I haven't just read them.

I've lived them.

I've been waiting for so long to meet you.

I don't know what to say. I have so many questions.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

No, no, false alarm.

Just gotta ride it out.

Listen, there'll be time for introductions later.

But first, tell me, Stan.

Are there any security breaches?

Does anyone else know about this portal?

No. Just us.

Also, maybe the entire U.S. government.

The what?!

Fan out. We're not going anywhere till we find Stan Pines and those kids.

Okay. It's all right.

We've got a while before they find this room.

We just need to lay low and think of a plan.

It looks like we're stuck down here for a while.

Who wants to tell us their entire mysterious backstory?

Yes, I have some questions about all this myself, Stanley.

Stanley?

But your name is Stanford.

Wait, you took my name?

What have you been doing all these years, you knucklehead?

Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies.

You owe us some answers.

What's the deal with this portal?

Why did you keep this a secret?

And what happened between you and your brother?

I'm hoping all this aligns exactly with my fan-fic, Stan.

If not, I will be very disappointed.

Okay. Okay, okay.

I know I have a lot of explaining to do.

It all started a lifetime ago.

1960-something.

Glass Shard Beach, New Jersey.

I lived with my ma and pa in the Lead Paint district above the family pawn shop.

Dad was a strict man.

Tough as a cinder block, and not easily impressed.

I'm not impressed.

Mom was a pathological liar, which served her well as a phone psychic.

That'll be 99 cents an hour.

No, you're overpriced.

Yeah, I predicted you were gonna hang up.

And then, there was my nerdy twin brother Stanford.

As if his abnormally high IQ wasn't enough, he also had a rare birth defect-- six fingers on each hand, which might've explained his obsession with sci-fi mystery weirdness.

As for me, I had what Mom liked to call personality.

But as different as we were, we were the perfect team, and every day, we'd wander the beach, looking for adventure.

Whoa!

A shipwrecked sailboat.

Possibly haunted by pirate ghosts.

This is the greatest thing I've ever seen.

And I once saw a dead rat floating in a bucket.

Ew. What's wrong with you?

Huh. You know what this thing's missing?

Flags.

Kings of New Jersey, kings of New Jersey, kings of New Jersey!

I dub thee the Stan O' w*r.

Ow! What the heck?

Well, well, if it ain't the loser twins.

Nice boat. You get it at the dump?

You would know, Crampelter. Get lost!

Listen, dorks, and listen good.

You're a six-fingered freak, and you're just a dumber, sweatier version of him.

And you're lucky you have each other, because neither of you will ever make any friends.

Dorks and losers.

Hey, don't let those idiots get to you.

But I am a freak.

I just wonder if there's anywhere in the world where weirdos like me fit in.

Hey, chin up, buddy. Look.

One of these days, you and me are gonna sail away from this dumb town.

We'll hunt for treasure, get all the girls, and be an unstoppable team of adventurers.

You really mean it?

High six? High six.

Those were the good times.

Those bullies may have been right about us not making many friends, but when push comes to shove, you only really need one.

Ford's brain seemed to get more impressive every year.

So did our pet project.

Sure, I got in more than my fair share of trouble, but when your brother's the smartest kid in school, you've always got a leg up on the competition.

The future was looking bright for both of us, till one day.

Pines twins to the principal's office.

Pines twins to the principal's office.

Ah, great. What is it this time?

Not you. Him.

Now, Mr. Pines, I'd like to speak with you very frankly, if I may.

Very frankly is the only way I speak.

You have two sons.

One of them is incredibly gifted.

The other one is standing outside this room, and his name's Stanley.

What are you saying?

I'm saying your son Stanford is a genius!

All of his teachers are going bananas over his science fair experiment.

You ever heard of West Coast Tech?

Best college in the country.

Their graduates turn science fiction into science fact.

The admissions team is visiting tomorrow to check out Stanford's experiment.

Your son may be a future millionaire, Mr. Pines.

I'm impressed.

What about our little free spirit Stanley?

That clown? At this rate, he'll be lucky to graduate high school.

Look, there's a saltwater taffy store on the dock, and somebody's gotta get paid to scrape the barnacles off of it.

Stanford's going places, but hey, look on the bright side.

At least you'll have one son here in New Jersey forever.

Joke's on them if they think you wanna go to some stuffy college on the other side of the country.

Once we get the Stan O' w*r complete, it's gonna be beaches, babes, and international treasure hunting for us.

Look, Stan, I can't pass up a chance like this.

This school has cutting-edge programs and multi-dimensional paradigm theory.

Be-boop. I am a nerd robot.

That's you. That's what you sound like.

Ah, well, if the college board isn't impressed with my experiment tomorrow, then okay, I'll do the treasure hunting thing.

And if they are?

Well, then I guess you better come visit me on the other side of the country.

Without Ford, I was just half of a dynamic duo.

I couldn't make it out there without him.

And now, thanks to that dumb college, I was gonna lose my brother forever.

This is all your fault, you dumb machine!

Oh, no. No, no, no. What did I do?

There. All right.

Good as new. Probably.

All right, kid, show us what you got.

Okay. Well, what would you say if I told you the future of technology was beneath this sheet?

I'd say we wasted a car trip.

What?

But it was stable yesterday.

A fuse must've blown or something.

Kid, a perpetual motion machine has one job-- to not stop.

I don't think you're West Coast Tech material.

No, wait. Don't go!

I worked so hard.

One paddle paddle paddle, two paddle paddle.

Man, that Jackie O. What a fox.

Hey, what's the word, sixer?

Can you explain what this was doing next to my broken project?

Okay. I might've accidentally been... horsing around.

This was no accident, Stan. You did this.

You did this because you couldn't handle me going to college on my own.

Look, it was a mistake.

Although, if you think about it, maybe there's a silver lining.

Huh? Treasure hunting?

Are you kidding me?

Why would I wanna do anything with the person who sabotaged my entire future?

You did what, you knucklehead?

Stanley, what's going on in here?

Wait, no. I can explain. It was a mistake.

You ignoramus.

Your brother was gonna be our ticket outta this dump.

All you ever do is lie and cheat, and ride on your brother's coattails.

Well, this time, you cost our family potential millions.

And until you make us a fortune, you're not welcome in this household.

What?! Stanford, tell him he's being crazy.

Stanford? Don't leave me hanging.

High six?

Fine! I can make it on my own.

I don't need you, I don't need anyone.

I'll make millions, and you'll rue the day you turned your back on me.

Thanks to one dumb mistake, I had no brother, no home, no nothing.

But I had a plan to fix everything.

Oh, this story's so sad.

I know what you two little broken teacups need.

To hug it out.

Hug it out.

Hug train comin' in the station.

Hugapalooza 2000!

Kid, will you knock that off?

I'm trying to tell my life story here.

I had decided I wasn't gonna show my face at home till I proved I could make something of myself.

Unfortunately, the treasure hunting business was slow going.

Apparently, gold is some kind of rare metal.

Luckily, I struck another kind of gold.

In sales.

Hi there. I'm Stan Pines of Stanco Enterprises.

Are you sick of this always happening to you?

Then you need the chamois of the future.

Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon.

That's the Sham Total.

It's a total sham.

I had made my mark, all right.

Unfortunately, so did the chamois.

Apparently, the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse.

Customers weren't crazy about that.

Luckily, they were chasing me with Stanco-brand pitchforks.

Suckers!

I was officially banned from New Jersey.

But with a quick name change, Steve Pinington was ready to take on Pennsylvania.

Hi. I'm Steve Pinington.

Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove?

Then what you need is the Rip Off.

The Rip Off won't give you rashes.

I repeat, it won't give you rashes.

It gave you rashes.

I traveled the whole country, sometimes outside of it, always one step ahead of the law, looking for something that would be my big break.

Whoa. So that explains all the fake ID's.

But wait, what about you?

Did you end up going to your dream school?

Not exactly.

All right, I know Backupsmore wasn't anyone's first choice, but what we lack in prestige we make up for in mostly bug-free dorms.

I'm sure your families are proud.

More or less.

In a place like that, I had to work twice as hard.

Luckily, that's what I do best.

I went from undergrad to PhD three years ahead of schedule, wrote a thesis that was nationally ranked, and was awarded an enormous grant for my own scientific research.

But what to study?

My whole life, I'd been teased for my six fingers.

But that got me thinking about anomalies.

Things that were odd, unusual, statistically improbable.

And according to my investigations, there was one place with a higher concentration of these things than anywhere else.

A small lumber town in Roadkill County, Oregon.

Gravity Falls.

Meanwhile, your old Uncle Stan was doing great.

I'd come up with a sophisticated new business strategy.

Come on. Owl, owl...

Football player with an omelet?!

Gah!

I was in great shape, living on my own, and the best part was, I didn't need help from nobody.

Hello. This is Stanford Pines.

I was heading out on my own, as well.

I set to work using my grant money to investigate the strange properties of this town.

But what would I find here?

Bingo. I began to investigate at once.

I knew I'd have to record my findings.

I began to keep a journal.

The journals!

Sorry, sorry.

Got excited there about the journals. Keep talking.

I began to keep a journal.

I'm going to ignore that.

There were anomalies everywhere.

And the more I looked, the more I saw.

Fascinating.

What did you say your name was?

Shmebulock... senior.

It was finally a place where I felt at home, but something nagged at me.

Where did it all come from?

It seemed to me the answer must lie outside of our world, a dimension of weirdness leaking into ours.

I realized the only way to understand Gravity Falls would be to build a gateway, a portal to the source of its weirdness.

But I couldn't make it alone.

I decided to call up my old college buddy, Fiddleford McGucket, a young but brilliant mechanic who was wasting his talent trying to make personal computers in some garage in Palo Alto.

Hello. Fiddleford Computermajigs.

You say you're trying to build a trans-universal poly-dimensional meta vortex?

Well, that's mathematically feasible, I reckon.

Many long nights were spent perfecting the machine.

It would be the crowning achievement of my studies, an answer to the source of this town's anomalies.

Get out, get out, get out!

The time had come to test it.

Ready? And...

What?

I got you, buddy.

What is it? Is it working?

What did you see?

Fiddleford?

When Gravity Falls and earth becomes sky, fear the beast with just one eye.

Fiddleford, get a hold of yourself.

You're not making any sense., This machine is dangerous.

You'll bring about the end of the world with this.

Destroy it before it destroys us all!

I can't destroy this. It's my life's work.

I fear we've unleashed a great danger on the world.

One I'd just as soon forget. I quit.

Fine. I'll do it without you.

I don't need you, I don't need anyone.

What? Who said that?

I was in over my head, and feared I was losing my sanity.

I needed help. Someone I could trust.

Just give me a few more days, Rico.

I'll pay your g*ons back, I swear.

You haven't seen your brother in over ten years.

It's okay. He's family. He won't bite.

Who is it? Have you come to steal my eyes?

Well, I can always count on you for a warm welcome.

Stanley, did anyone follow you, anyone at all?

Hello to you, too, pal.

Hey, what is this?

Sorry. I just had to make sure you weren't... uh, it's nothing.

Come in, come in.

Are you gonna explain what's going on here?

You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee.

Listen, there isn't much time.

I've made huge mistakes, and I don't know who I can trust anymore.

Hey, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay?

I have something to show you.

Something you won't believe.

I've been around the world, okay?

Whatever it is, I'll understand.

There is nothing about this I understand.

It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension.

I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe.

But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction.

That's why I shut it down and hid my journals which explain how to operate it.

There's only one journal left.

You are the only person I can trust to take it.

I have something to ask of you.

Remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat?

Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as you can.

To the edge of the earth.

Bury it where no one can find it.

That's it?

You finally wanna see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible?

Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against.

What I've been through.

No, no, you don't understand what I've been through.

I've been to prison in three different countries.

I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car.

You think you've got problems?

I've got a mullet, Stanford.

Meanwhile, where have you been?

Living it up in your fancy house in the woods, selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself.

I'm selfish? I'm selfish?

Stanley, how can you say that after costing me my dream school?

I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life, and you won't even listen.

Well, listen to this.

You want me to get rid of this book?

Fine, I'll get rid of it right now.

No! You don't understand.

You said you wanted me to have it, so I'll do what I want with it. My research!

Stanley, give it back.

You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that.

You left me behind, you jerk.

It was supposed to be us forever.

You ruined my life. You ruined your own life.

Stanley. Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.

Are you all right?

Some brother you turned out to be.

You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family.

Then you can have 'em.

Whoa, whoa, hey. What's going on?

Hey, Stanford... Stanley, help me.

What do I do? Stanley!

Stanley, do something!

Stanford?

Stanford, come back. I didn't mean it.

I just got him back.

I can't lose him again.

Come on!

Stanford!

I lost him.

I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back... somehow.

I didn't get much sleep that night.

Or the night after that.

I tried for weeks to turn that dumb machine back on.

But without the other two journals, it was hopeless.

Finally, I ran out of food.

I had no choice but to go into town.

Just the bread then, stranger?

That'll be 99 cents.

Hey, that's no stranger.

That must be the mysterious science guy that lives in the woods.

No, no, you got the wrong guy.

I've heard strange stories about that old shack.

Yeah, mysterious lights and spooky experiments.

Gosh, I'd pay anything to see what kind of shenanigans you get up to in there.

Me, too. Do you ever give tours?

No, really, I...

Yes, I do give tours.

Ten... no, no, 15 bucks a person.

So what did you say your name was, you man of mystery?

Oh, Stan... ford.

Stanford Pines.

Step right up, folks, to a world of enchantment or whatever.

Behold the nerdy science box.

Ah! My eye!

Uh, I can assure you, that is in no way permanent.

I paid $15 for this?

Uh, you're lucky you weren't part of the last tour group.

They never made it out alive.

Right?

Funny.

So I came up with a plan.

I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him.

But I needed to pay his mortgage somehow.

For once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling.

And so, the m*rder Hut was born.

Later renamed the Mystery Shack.

Finally, I'd found something I was good at.

For once, being a liar and a cheat paid off.

The old me was dead.

And I faked a car crash to prove it.

By day, I was Stanford Pines, Mr. Mystery.

But by night, I was down in the basement, trying to bring the real Stanford back.

I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth and sabotaging my mission.

So I lied to everyone.

The town, my family, your parents.

Even you kids.

So all this time, you were just trying to save your brother.

Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

That's okay, kid.

I probably wouldn't have believed me either.

I heard talking. It was coming from downstairs.

We're too late. The agents are coming for us.

What'll we do?

Oh, man, I was so spellbound by your dramatic tale, I forgot all about those dudes.

Wait. Forget. That's it.

I think I know a way we might be able to defeat those agents.

Of course.

I don't know how you got a hold of one of these, but this is perfect.

I can just amplify the signal to a radio headset frequency.

There. Now everyone, plug your ears!

Get down now!

Sir, looks like there's a hidden door behind the vending machines.

Excellent. Get me Washington on line one.

I've been practicing making sounds of excitement for this very occasion.

Hey, do you hear that?

What? Where am I?

Why am I standing in some sort of goofy, fun knick-knack house?

Stand down, gentlemen.

I've been sent with the latest intel from Washington.

According to this very real report, the power surges in Gravity Falls were actually due to radiation from an unreported meteor shower.

A total embarrassment for your whole department.

Luckily, I'm here to take this mess off your hands.

I'll need all of your floppy disks, and, uh, eight tracks. Right?

Uh, everything about this case is contained on this drive.

Well, what are you waiting for? A kiss on the cheek?

Get outta here before I have your butts court-martialed.

Uh, yes, sir. Apologies, sir.

False alarm, everyone.

Whoa.

Great-uncle Stanford, that was amazing.

Let's not go crazy. It was serviceable.

Ha ha, thank you, kids.

But please, call me Ford.

Sure. Thanks, great-uncle Ford.

So, uh, would you mind if I asked you a couple million questions about Gravity Falls?

Um, well, I, uh...

All right, kids, it's been a long day.

Me and my brother have a lot to talk about.

Why don't you hit the hay, huh? But it's the author.

I've been waiting so long to ask questions about--

I said, hit the hay!

I'll just let myself out.

Wendy, I've got something amazing to tell you.

Clear the next 14 hours.

Look at us.

When did we become old men?

You look like Dad.

Don't say that.

Okay, Stanley, here's the deal.

You can stay here for the summer to watch the kids.

I'll stay down in the basement and try to contain any remaining damage.

When the summer's over, you give me my house back, you give me my name back, and this Mystery Shack junk is over forever.

You got it?

You really aren't gonna thank me, are you?

Fine. On one condition.

Stay away from the kids.

I don't want them in danger.

'Cause as far as I'm concerned, they're the only family I have left.

Did you hear what they said?

I think Uncle Ford said they're gonna buy us puppies made of ice cream.

Might be wishful thinking, though.

I don't know if this is good or bad.

I wanted to meet the author, but...

Yeah. I liked the way things were here before.

Just us and Stan, and the occasional goblin monster.

I'm sure they'll work things out.

Dipper, you don't think we'll turn out like Stan and Ford, do you?

What do you mean?

I mean, they used to be best friends, but then, they got all stupid.

Can you promise me you won't get stupid?

Not stupider than you, dum-dum.

Good night, stupid.

Good night, stupid.

Okay, so it turns out the second Stan, the Stan that we know, was actually Stanley, but the first Stan was Stanford, but we didn't know until Stanford came out of the portal, which was built by Stanford, but then Stanley pretending to be Stanford, he did the portal 'cause he's Stan, but he's not Stan.

Soos, it's 3:00 in the morning.

Okay, okay, I understand.

Anyway, act two, Stan started...

Aaaah!