02x16 - Roadside Attraction

[bunniefuu]

Nice. And don't forget bug spray.

It's perfect for spraying in the face of hitchhikers.

Whoa! An RV, camping gear.

Are you running from the law again?

Dude, it's the ultimate Oregon road trip adventure.

More like revenge trip.

Every year, my tourist trap competitors prank the Mystery Shack.

Last year, those hooligans duct taped Soos to the ceiling.

That was a fun 78 hours.

Well, no more.

This year, we're visiting every tourist trap along the Redwood Highway, and I'm gonna prank back every single one.

Bow-wow.

Time to let the Road Dawgs bark.

That is us. We are the Road Dawgs.

Thanks for letting me bring Candy and Grenda along for our road trip, Grunkle Stan.

The more, the merrier.

Just sign these non-disclosure agreements.

None of your parents are lawyers, right?

What do you say, dude? You comin'?

I already went to the trouble of packing all your stuff.

Even the stuff you kept in that secret box under the bed.

Whoa! What the...

What's that?

Uh, nothing.

Just Wendy stuff, from old times.

Bro, I thought you were finally past all this.

I know, I know.

I know she's not interested, and I know it's over, but how do you just turn off the way you feel about someone?

Two words, Dipper. Move on.

Yeah, dude, and a road trip's the perfect place to meet new people.

Man, RV's are amazing.

I can't believe we're sitting at a table in a moving vehicle.

Ooh! Informational travel pamphlets.

I want to read them all and gain their travel knowledge.

Kid, those useless pamphlets have never helped a single person.

The only wrinkly old travel guide you'll need is me.

Now look alive.

We're coming up on an attraction run by the most black-hearted proprietor in all of Oregon.

Don't let the face fool you.

This woman lit my car on fire on two non-consecutive occasions.

Whoa!

I'm going in, girls.

Whaaaa!

Okay, like Soos said, meet new people.

So, uh, come here often?

No. I'm a tourist.

Ha ha, you're funny... and cute.

I mean, not cute.

I mean, you're not not cute.

Whew, let me start over.

My name is Dopper.

Dipper, hop to.

This ball of yarn ain't gonna prank itself.

Something on your mind, kiddo?

Thinkin' about Miss Cold Shoulder over there, huh?

Ah, so embarrassed.

Look, earlier this summer, I ruined my chances with Wendy.

Yeah. Chances.

And I wanna move on, but I'm terrible at talking to girls.

The moment I open my mouth around them, I unravel like... like... well, I can't think of a perfect metaphor, but you get the gist.

At this rate, I'm gonna grow up to be a sad loner like Toby Determined.

Whoa, never say that about yourself.

Lucky for you, I'm an expert on women.

Listen to me, kid.

When it comes to girls, always be confident, and be funny, but not too funny.

And be kind of annoying, but in a loveable way.

I don't know, Grunkle Stan. This sounds kinda jerky.

Hey, "jerky" is just a term non-jerks use to bad-mouth innocent jerks.

Confidence, comedy, some third word starting with a "C."

The three C's of the Stan Pines Dating Technique.

At the next tourist trap, try out my advice on the first girl you see.

Cool. Grunkle Stan, thanks.

Hey, I'm full of good ideas.

Speakin' of which, everyone, now!

Why, you gol-darned son of a no-good!

I'll get you, Stan Pines!

Ah, Upside-down Town.

The nausea capital of the state.

Whatever you do, don't use the bathrooms.

Road Dawgs!

Whoa! So weird.

All right, kid, this is it.

Be confident.

Hi. I'm Dipper.

Crazy place, right?

Oh, hi. I'm Emma Sue.

If you pretend we're right-side up, it looks like everyone's hair is standing on end.

Huh, yeah. Weird, right?

Pretend you're screaming.

Okay. You gotta take a picture of me, though.

Let's see... whoa!

Ho ho, just kidding.

You are the worst.

You bet I am.

I'm bad, Emma.

Kind of a jerk.

Emma, come on. We have to get to Canada before your mother gives birth.

It's a long story.

Maybe you could tell me sometime.

Here's my email address.

Write me and I'll tell you all about it.

A girl gave me her email, and it wasn't out of pity.

Ha ha, yes!

Ugh! I'm okay.

I'm better than okay.

Mabel, hi. There's my Grenda.

Candy, looking great, looking great.

Is that a new pair of glasses? Very shiny.

Whoo!

Maybe it's the blood pooling in my head, but Dipper seems different.

Yes, good different.

Now, Soos.

Not too upside-down now.

What a lovely normal home.

Stan Pines!

I can't believe it worked.

What do I do now? Do I email her?

No, no, you practice.

The more girls you talk to, the better you get at it.

Grunkle Stan, these tips are priceless.

And that's just the tip of the advice-berg.

Everyone on board? Probably.

Guys? Hello?

Anyone?

They'll come back for me.

So then I said to the bouncer, "Where's your ID, ugly?” That's where I got this scar.

Grunkle Stan, I gotta say, this was one of the best days ever.

Look!

That's the Stan Pines method, kid.

Works every time.

I'm just a little worried, though.

I mean, is it bad to flirt with this many girls at once?

I'm just trying to get over Wendy.

I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings.

Please. That's the best part of flirting on a road trip.

You're not gonna see any of these gals again.

To moving on.

Okay, it's time for...

Truth or dare or don't!

I choose don't.

You always choose don't.

Fine. Uh... truth.

Do you like someone?

Uh-oh. Someone's blushing.

Okay, maybe just a little.

I don't know for sure. It just started.

Tell us, tell us!

Okay. It begins with a "D," and ends with an "ipper.” No. Yes.

Ready, Grenda? Three, two, one.

Man, coyotes sound a lot worse than I remember.

Candy, Candy, all my life dreams are coming true right now.

My brother, my best friend.

I can't breathe!

I'm so excited, I can't breathe!

I never really noticed him before, but he seems deeper lately, less sweaty and more charming.

But how do I approach him?

Don't even worry about that, Can-Can.

Mabel's got a plan.

Mabel's got a plan.

All right, campers, we got another day of breakin' laws and breakin' hearts.

Everything up until now has been a walk in the park compared to our next attraction.

Is it a walk in the world's biggest park?

Sort of. There she is, kids.

Mystery Mountain.

Five times the size of the Mystery Shack, and what's worse, she has real attractions.

Oh, I have read about this place.

It has sky tram, and a mummy museum, and sightings of half-human, half-spider creatures.

Even their made-up legends are better than ours.

Today, the mountain falls.

Question: the backseat makes me carsick.

Can I sit up front today?

Also a question: I'm the size of two people.

Can I have a whole seat to myself?

I don't know. Sure.

Ooh, change-up!

Wait, that means it'll be just me and...

Candy Chu. Sixth grade.

Oh! Hey.

You're sitting close.

So Dipper, I was wondering, would you maybe want to walk around the Mystery Mountain with me today?

Sure. I mean... wasn't that already the plan?

I mean, just us.

You and me. Candy and Dipper.

All right, Road Dawgs, I got five bucks for whoever can tip the big blue ox.

Go, go, go.

I will see you in there.

Hey, what's with the mopey mug, kid?

Stan, you gotta help me.

Everything you taught me worked too well.

I think Candy just asked me out on a date.

Hey, look at this little champion.

What? No. I mean...

Candy's great, she's sweet, and she's smart, but I never thought of her like that.

This is all moving way too fast.

Okay, I just need to be honest with her, and tell her I'm not ready for all this.

Don't you see what's happening here?

That's your dumb obsession with Wendy gettin' in the way of your future. If you wanna move on, you gotta say yes to whatever comes your way.

Speaking of which...

But I don't wanna lead her on.

Uh-uh-uh, watch and learn.

Whoa, I seem to have lost my number.

Can I borrow yours?

You are a riot.

What brings you here?

We don't normally get men this handsome round these parts.

Well, Darlene, between you and me, what I'm doin' here is a little secret.

Oh, you seem like a man with secrets.

Ugh!

You know, I'm going on a break.

You wanna take the sky tram up to Widow's Peak?

Take my advice or don't, but clearly, I know what I'm doing.

Oh, fancy.

Oh, I can't believe this is happening.

A real date.

I wonder what they'll name the baby.

If I had a baby, I would name it Grenda 2: The Sequel.

You would make such a good mother.

This place is so enchanting.

Sort of confused by the phrase

"new mummies daily" ” though.

I mean, how does that even work?

This mountain's full of mysteries.

Like why is my head falling on your shoulder?

Beeoop.

Uh, yep, this is what I want.

This is all part of the plan and stuff.

Oh, Dipper, hey.

Corn maze girl.

I was wondering when you'd call.

Dipper, who is this?

Nobody. I mean, uh... somebody, but...

Dipper!

I didn't recognize you right-side up.

You'll never guess where my mom gave birth.

Hey, who are these girls?

Dipper, why haven't you called?

Did our romantic log ride mean nothing to you?

I can't believe it.

You agreed to go on a date with me, and you are seeing all these other girls?

Well, answer us. Which one of us do you like?

I... I like all of you.

I mean, I don't like any of you.

I mean...

I was trying to learn how to talk to girls.

Unbelievable. SO gross.

What a jerk.

Dipper Pines, I thought you were a nice guy, but I guess you only care about yourself.

Uh, Candy, wait.

I messed everything up.

I gotta find Stan. He'll know what to do.

Oh, are you sure you wanna go this deep into the forest?

It's so scary.

Don't worry, toots.

That spider people stuff is just an urban legend.

I can't believe people fall for it.

You're so brave.

What can I say? I'm a real catch.

Yes.

The catch of the day.

Uh, I think your contacts fell out.

Uh, have you seen an old guy around here?

Big ears, orange nose, a real know-it-all.

Uh-uh-uh. Flame retardant raccoon says, don't hug forest fires.

Stan, where are you? I need your advice.

Grunkle Stan?

Hey, buddy boy.

Remember how we were talkin' about my technique?

Well, sometimes it leads to unexpected consequences.

Yeah, you can say that again. Where are you?

The good news is, I've solved the mystery of where Oregon's mummies come from.

The bad news is, I'm about to become one.

Turns out Darlene is one of those spider people.

But beyond that, the date's been okay.

Wait, wait, wait. Darlene's a spider person?

How is that possible?

I don't know.

One minute, we're having a perfect date, and the next minute, she's growing extra legs and encasing me in webbing. Women, right?

You couldn't tell she was a spider?!

I was blinded by flattery.

Also this acid she spit in my face.

I'm up the mountain at Widow's Peak.

All right, I'm gonna find you. Stay put!

You got it.

Uh-uh. Trying to escape?

You tricked me.

I'm 80% certain you don't really love me at all.

Ha! Men will fall for anything.

"You're so funny. Great story.

I love a man with shoulder hair."

You... you didn't mean it about my shoulder hair?

Tell me, Stan, before I transformed, who'd you think was in charge?

You, with your cheesy lines and fake confidence?

I'm the master pick-up artist here.

Sorry, toots.

This time, you're getting used for your body, which, to my weird species, is food.

Allow me to slip into something more horrifying.

I wonder what beverage pairs well with a vintage 70-something-year-old man.

Be right back.

Come on, Dipper, where are you?

I feel like such a fool.

I should have known to guard my heart in a cage of ice.

There, there. Let my calming voice soothe you.

It is helping.

Girls, there you are.

Betrayer! Oh, you. What do you want?

I need your help. With what, some sick jealousy trip?

Yes, sing it, Candy! Testify!

Look, I'm so sorry about everything, but Stan's in trouble.

You can totally k*ll me later, but right now, he needs us.

I'll explain on the way.

Please. I don't know if you're really up there or not, but if you are, please save me, Paul Bunyan.

Mr. Pines!

Whoa, did that really work?

Quick, before the rest of the venom sets in.

No! Where are you?

The sky tram, everybody on.

I have a plan.

Ha ha, yeah! Perfect.

Ride like the wind, sky tram.

Welcome to Trambience, the world's lowest treetop tram ride.

Enjoy the sights at 0.1 miles per hour.

Move, move, move!

Can't this thing go any faster?

No, it can't. This is Trambience.

Enjoying the view? Take a picture.

We're doomed!

We're all gonna die!

Listen carefully.

This sky tram has an emergency drop switch.

Below us is Oregon's largest Paul Bunyan statue.

And Old Reliable goes off in five, four...

Candy, wait! Don't pull that lever.

Kid, are you crazy?

Now!

My only weakness, a giant boot.

A giant newspaper or a giant cup would also have been pretty bad.

Thank you for riding Trambience sky tram.

Tell your friends it was a boring, boring ride.

Kid, that was ingenious!

How'd you know that would work?

Useless travel pamphlets.

Stanley.

I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.

You'll let me out, right?

What? After all that?

Seriously, do I look like an amnesiac?

You're so funny.

Have you ever considered becoming a comedian?

You know, I actually have.

Comedy is too subtle these days.

My style involves more over-sized props.

Let me get you out-- No!

Oh, yeah, right.

You win this round, Stan, but mark my words.

As long as there's men like you out there, with their dumb one-liners, and pick-up moves, I'll never run out of prey.

Get in the car, get in the car!

All right, kid, I gotta admit something.

I'm no expert on women.

Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember.

Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pick-up artists tend to get our heads bitten off.

When it comes to women, I'm a failure.

Hey, we're both failures.

You know, even if your dating tips were bad, I actually haven't thought about Wendy all day.

Plus, you did teach me to be more confident.

I guess I just need to learn to use that power for good.

Hey, I found a pamphlet I don't think you've read yet.

It's okay, Dipper.

The open road makes people do crazy things.

Plus, after seeing you flee the spider like a baby, I kinda lost interest.

Yep, yep. I deserve that.

I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps.

Ah, come on. Everyone loves my pranks.

And the best part is, I never have to face any consequences... Sweet lord!

Ah, come on!

That's what you get. That's what you get!

I don't understand.

I completely don't deserve this.

Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up?

Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it.

Where is Soos anyway?

Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you.

When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move.

Don't move.

You know, I would make a really good scarecrow.