08x09 - Righties Loosies, Lefties Tighties

[bunniefuu]

Come in.

Hey Julian. My
personal bodyguard.

I feel safer
already, bud.

Hey Jim.

Yeah. Shhh. Randy's
sleeping.

Follow me.

Jules, I know how much you
like Clint Eastwood

so I rented Dirty Harry
movie for us, bud.

Since Randy's asleep
out in the living room,

I thought we
might watch it in here.

Look. Separated right down
the middle, bud.

Are you f*cking kidding me?
I'm here to protect

you, not lay in bed and
watch movies with ya.

Jesus Christ Jim.

That's okay, Julian.

No TV in here anyway, bud.

Oh f*ck. Get up.

What?

Get up. I'm sleeping on the
couch. Get up!

Why?

Get the f*ck up.

Ow. Let go. Okay. I'll
sleep f*cking outside.

Geez. This is
bullshit!

Goodnight Randy.

We gotta make something
clear here.

Do you and I have a deal with
this one percent,

or am I f*cking leaving
right now?

Julian, I cross my heart.
Cyrus and Sam are not

gonna get my
one percent.

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm just a
little stressed out.

I'm tired. I just want to
make sure that I can

stayed focused on protecting
you, Jim.

- Okay?
- All right.

Oh f*ck.

You know Julian, right now
you remind me

of Kevin Costner in 'The
Bodyguard.'

Good night, Frank Farmer.

Mr. Lahey!

Just making breakfast for
Julian, Randy.

With your hands down your
pants.

Is that how you show me
that you love me?

Randy.

Is that my apple wood
smoked bacon?

What the hell are you guys
fighting about?

Oh I was just making you
breakfast, Julian.

That's my bacon!

This is the last
straw, Mr. Lahey.

I'm officially moving out.

Randy.

Help my f*ck, Randy.

Tell me you and Lahey
just didn't break up

over some bacon.

Over bacon?

Nah, I've got sh*t to do, Lahey.

I'll talk to you later.

You are the Gut-tinator.

It wasn't over friggin'
bacon!

Ever see a gravy tugboat,
Randy?

What the frig is a gravy
tugboat?

Look down. You carry one
around.

Frig off, Tyrone!

Hey, bring me back some
bacon too.

It's my private friggin'
bacon.

Crispy.

Frig off!

So Bubs, are you sure your
setup can handle the volume?

Oh my setup can handle the
volume, believe me.

It's just a matter whether I can
handle the volume of stress.

T, I'm gonna need you to put
a couple guys at the entrance

of the park just in case
Cyrus and Sam show up.

Already too thin on the
rooftops and sh*t, man.

I can get my hockey
team to watch the entrance.

Perfect.
Probably a good idea

not to have the
kids here anyway.

Oh yeah, putting the kids on
look out for Sam and Cyrus

with g*ns and cocaine.

That's a
much better idea.

It's just precautionary.
Okay.

Let's get this refinery
fired up, boys!

Okay team, listen up. Thanks
for meeting me here.

We're not gonna
practice today.

Instead, I need you guys to be
my lookout.

This is a really, really
important f*cking job

so I need you to band
together.

I want you guys to
all work as a team and

be like a strong long chain.
Do you understand?

No.

No.

Okay. Well I'm just one of
the links in the chain but

a link is only as long as
your longest strong chain.

Take this. If you see Sam,
that's the big guy that

looks like Doug The
Bounty Hunter,

or Cyrus, that big f*cking guy
that looks like gay Fonzi.

They drive a really stupid
red corvette.

If you see them, notify me
immediately or any cops.

All right? You know
what they say, team.

Good things come to
those at the gate.

Let's see if it's true.

This doesn't make any
f*cking sense.

Yo man. Still nothing
coming out.

Bubbles, should I keep
stuffing weed into the machine?

No Jacob, just hang the f*ck on.
I got a log jam going on here.

Check the pressure valve
in the back, please.

Holy sh*t! Where there's
smoke, there's a wire!

You f*cking
did it, buddy!

Not yet, Ricky. There's a
f*cking problem here!

What's going on?

I don't know. I can't figure
it out! I got the weed

going into the
Isopropyl, coming up

through the pipes, down
through the filtering system,

over to the two-stage
f*cking refinery process.

Then it comes out
under pressure up through

the double ninety
and it should be going

into the t*nk but it's not.
I can't figure it out.

This doesn't make any sense.

Cory, you stupid cocksucker,
you put the valve on wrong!

What's a valve?

Holy f*ck, that's clean.
What a taste!

Ah dude, can I try?

No you can't try. You guys
are f*cking dumb enough

as it is. You don't
need to be getting

high right now and f*cking
up your little brain.

Bubbles, you are a
certill-fied f*cking genus.

Thanks Ricky.

On time as usual, Jim.

f*ck off, George.

The weed is right out there
in the open.

Jim, this is a day you're
never gonna forget.

I'm calling in the
heavies.

Oh yeah? Well you're not
calling in the heavies, George.

Jim, this is a chance to
make this happen.

You're not calling the
g*dd*mn heavies, George.

They're making honey
oil, a ton of it!

That's a controlled substance.
That puts them in the same

league as heroin! I'm in
deep, George. I got their trust.

Look, one more day,
George. One more day,

I'll find out when the
deal's going down

- and who it's going down with.
- Jim.

George, give me one more
f*cking day and I promise

I will lasso those
sh*t turds and I will

make them into one
gigantic sh*t ball

and roll that
greasy ball of sh*t

back to the sh*t pen for some
real shitty time.

Yeah. Everything's sh*t,
Jim.

What the f*ck is going on
with you f*ckers?

Why have you been blowing
up my Skype?

Sorry Sebastian. Ricky
just, he really needed to

get a hold of ya.

Don't tell me you're not
hookin' up with me

tomorrow at Swearstock.

No, no, no. I just wanted to
let you know that I got a lot

more f*cking grease than
I thought I was gonna have

and I thought you might

be interested in
taking more of it.

This is it, man.
I'm retiring.

Well dude, that stinks but
yeah, I'm interested

in taking more. How much
you got?

I got a f*cking ton of it.

Yeah f*ck it. I'll take
everything you got!

Are you f*cking serious?

Yeah. It's the best sh*t I
ever smoked!

I'll be back in touch with you
tomorrow about the drop.

I'll see you
mafucklers tomorrow.

Yes!

Holy sh*t, boys.

A one f*cking sh*t deal.

f*ck!

God. It's about time the good
news fairy sh*t a rainbow on us.

Randy, I'm sorry that
you're hurting.

I knew that your love
would eventually part ways, man.

I knew it too. I
just didn't want to admit it.

Can I crash at your place
for a while?

I don't think Donna would
mind.

Donna?

Your sister. She lives with
you, right?

Randal, my sister Donna was
mauled to death by a bear and

two cougars in Banff National
Park thirteen years ago.

Holy f*ck!

Holy f*ck this thing's
afishin.

Boys, we're gonna have way more
than I thought we were.

Julian, boys.
Don't freak out and don't look around

but George Green
is videotaping you right now.

Where's he at?

Cory, stop looking the f*ck
around.

What the f*ck are you

talking about, Mr.
Lahey? Videotaping?

He's been gathering
evidence on you guys

for the last couple of weeks.
He's trying to get himself

reinstated back
on the force.

Oh that dirty cocksucker!

Ha, Ha... What are we gonna do
here boys? I'm freaking out.

How much does he know?

Oh he doesn't know much.
He's, uh, he's been asking

me questions, the stupid
bastard, but he has no idea

that I'm on your side.

Boys this is no big
deal. Jim?

Yeah?

You tell that
stupid f*ck locker George that

the biggest honey
oil deal in history

is going down tomorrow
morning and to be ready.

Ricky! Ricky! What are
you doing, bud?

Relax Bubs, it's George
Green. He was the dumbest

f*cking assh*le in
the f*cking world

when he was a cop and he's
even more of dumb ass

f*ck now that he's not.

Oh baby. I'm freaking out.

I'm freaking out, Julian.

Man, something just
doesn't feel right with Lahey.

I know that f*ck head too well.

The problem is, your
brain is incapable

of trusting him, Ricky, which is
understandable but I'm

telling you man, he has
everything to lose if he

doesn't team up with us
and nothing to gain.

I agree, but try thinking
about it upside down like

I is. I think his brain is
uncapable of not wanting

to f*ck us over and send us
back to jail,

especially when he's drinking.

Doesn't anybody use
plastic anymore?

f*cking cardboard
and other sh*t.

Oh there we go. Jack pop!

See Julian. We just need
about ten or twenty more

of this man. It's gonna
work f*cking perfectly.

Hey!

What?

What the f*ck?

Sons of b*tches!

f*ck!

I knew it wasn't those
g*dd*mn raccoons.

Will you f*ck off?

Tearing my sh*t apart. Now
you, you're gonna clean up

every bit of
this god forsaken mess.

The f*ck I am. Once it's in
blue bags,

the city owns it. They can
clean it the f*ck up!

g*dd*mn degenerates, that's
what you are!

Yeah? Only an assh*le
hits someone with

a f*cking leaves comber!
Get us out of here.

Thanks for the help, Julian.

Know how to f*cking get
milk jugs.

Nice work boys. Nice work.

Ricky's gonna be impressed.

You really think so?

Oh, I know so. He's been
talking about you guys

and how you haven't
been f*cking up lately.

Especially you Jacob.

Ah f*ck.

Awesome.

Yeah. Keep it up.

I'll be right back.

Hey Bubs. Is Ricky just
being nice to me

because he has
to now?

No, Jacob. He's being nice
to you 'cause you've been

working hard and
don't tell him I said this

but I think he
actually really likes ya.

Ah f*ck. That's great.

That's awesome dude.
Congrats.

Look at the elbow.

Huh?

I read it on the internet.

Nice connection, boys.
Right on the money.

Hey Bubbles, what's going
on?

Uh hey,
Randy. I'm just, uh, testing

out some heating systems. Yeah.

Good stuff. Listen, could I
talk to you for a second?

Uh yes. Yes, for sure.
Let's go for a little

walk and have a chat,
Randingo. Boys,

I'll be back in a second.
Keep feeding the heating system.

Okay Bubs.

So what's on your mind
there, Randy?

I know we haven't talked in
a long time but I don't have

anyone else to
talk to and I know

that you won't judge me.
I'm in a situation here

that I'm really confused
about it.

Oh yeah? What's that
situation now?

Well if you were doing stuff
with someone who,

at the time, thought they
were someone else when

you were doing it with them,
and they didn't remember

anything the next day when
they were another person,

would you still do stuff
with that person?

Randy, are you trying to
tell me you didn't know

Don and Donna were the
same person and you

f*cking did stuff to
one of them?

Just to Donna actually.

I'm really attracted to her.

Right. That's... great.

I don't think this is a good
idea, Cory. Ricky said not to try it.

Come on, dude. You deserve
to get high.

Bubbles kinda said so.

Besides, you and Ricky are cool,
man. Who's gonna find out?

All right.

It's stuck.

Man, you're doing it wrong
though.

It's like righties
tighties, lefties loosies.

No. I remember when I
remembered it, I told

myself not to remember it
the simple way so

it must be righties loosies,
lefties tighties.

Yeah, something like that,
dude. I don't know.

I get all the rhyming words
mixed up.

You're probably right.
Just crank it, man.

It's stuck that way too.

Yeah. You just gotta...

Oh sh*t!

Oh f*ck!

Ooh. Okay, get some.

Ow! Ow! Oh f*ck!

What are we gonna do?

I don't know, dude.

Ah! Aww, f*ck man. It's
burning me!

No, you just hold... ah!

It's burning me, Cory.

Go! Get out of the way!

Get out of the way! Go.

Aw sh*t man. Ow!

Oh f*ck.

We need something bigger,
man!

Go dude! Go!

There's still maple syrup
in it.

Bubbles is gonna k*ll us.

Ah! Well Ricky's gonna k*ll
us too, dude.

Just put it up.

sh*t!

I don't know what to do.
I like her, Don's my friend.

I mean this
is just really, really weird.

Oh yeah, no, it's a f*cking
weird one all right.

Uh I don't really know what
to tell ya, bud, to be honest.

It's not really my field,
you know? This could be

one of those 'figure it out on
your own' type of things.

Maybe I should have some
liquor drinks,

let the liquor do the thinking.

There you go. There you go.
That's what you do right there.

All right.
I'm glad I could help, Randy.

Good luck with that
stuff.

Thanks Bubbles. Yeah.

Oh my god. Sweet Jesus and
baby Mariam.

What the f*ck happened?
Why is there oil

all in these? Why is there a
tree sticking out of that?

That valve thing just broke
off, dude. It broke.

It just broke off, did it?

Yeah.

All by itself. Oh my f*ck
boys.

f*ck.

Ricky, just...

What the f*ck did you guys
do?

We had a bit of a
situation with the oil

but we, we took care of it.

Yeah, he did really good.

He worked on the fly. He put,
you know...

Tell me that barrel was
empty when you put my oil in it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah it was. Almost.

Oh my god. You two
bumble-cock sh*t b*tches

just completely f*cked us.

May as well get high boys
'cause these

f*ck-ass d*ck machines just
cost us the trailer park.

f*ck ass d*ck machines.

Ah f*ck! Cock sucking
f*cking stairs!

Randy? Are you okay?
Oh my god.

Let me help you up there.

You big hunk of love.
Oh, you're just like

a furnace and all musky.

Sorry Donna. I can't have a
shower.

Left Mr. Lahey for good.

Oh. Well I'm selfishly not
sorry to hear that.

Do you want to come inside,
and get a little

more musky there big boy?
Come on. Let's go inside.

I'd like to but
what about Don?

Oh Don. Don's not the boss
of me. I'm my own woman.

Come on in here.
With me.

If Don doesn't care.

Ah f*ck Don!

Oh my god.
That's f*cking disgusting.

Throw that the f*ck away.
Oh god.

It tastes like furnace oil
and two stroke f*cking gas.

Is this the
maple syrup oil?

Oh my f*ck! You're not gonna
believe this, man.

This is the best tasting
oil I've ever smoked

in my entire f*cking life.

What?

Try that. Taste like
anything?

It tastes like pancakes!!

With that barrel and
everything we've got left

to make, we're gonna have
way more than enough

to buy this f*cking
trailer park.

Ah thank f*ck!

Try that.

Jacob.

Back to work, boys. We
gotta finish making that oil.

Bubs, you got any
maple syrup left?

Yeah, I've got maple syrup
left but I was gonna

use it for my shed and
breakfast business, which

doesn't f*cking exist
anymore.

Yes, you can have
my maple syrup.

Thanks buddy. New recipe.

Are you f*cking close
enough with the thing?

Hey, hey! Hold the f*ck on.
We got a f*cking meeting

with a lawyer in there.

Yeah not today, buddy. The
building's closed.

What?

We close at five.

Okay great. Great. We'll see
ya tomorrow then.

Okay. The lawyer's gonna be
here tomorrow at noon so,

so nobody be late
and nobody fuc...

screw, screw up, okay? Just,
just tomorrow!

Nice work, partner.

We need to get a party
going on up in here!

Hey man, you can do whatever
you want.

Your attention everybody. I just
want you guys to see

my newest business partner.

Oh what?

You and J have earned it,
man. You deserve it.

Sorry. What the f*ck are
you talking about him and J-Roc?

I did half the f*cking work.
This is typical.

Sarah, I didn't forget about
you. Listen, hey, hey.

How does VP of Operations for
The Dirty Dancer sound?

For real?

For re... well, is it okay
with you?

I'm f*cking cool with it.

That sounds good to me.

Congratulations, Sarah.

Nice job.

f*ck these are good chips.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh Julian.

Julian, it's d*ck brains.

f*ck him. How was your meeting
with the lawyer, d*ck head?

Well look who it is. I
guess you just answered

a very important
f*cking question I had.

Oh yeah? Which question
would that be?

On whether or not I had to
sh**t Mr. Jim f*cking Lahey.

Oh f*ck!

Nobody's sh**ting anybody.
Listen, the deal is going down

tomorrow. I've got the
cash. Lahey's on my side.

You f*cking lose, okay?
So take the money

that I'm giving you
tomorrow and just

let it go, man, okay? I'm sick
of f*cking fighting with you.

f*ck you Cyrus.

Well I don't like to
f*cking lose and I don't like

to let things go. So I guess
I'll just see you at the

f*cking finish line, won't
we there, Mr. Muscle Dummy?

f*ck sake.

f*ck off! All right. Let's
get drunk everybody.

Whoo!

Great. Not only do we gotta
out thock George Green.

Now we gotta double
smart Sam and Cyrus too.

How in the f*ck
are we gonna do that?