10x06 - All The f*ckin' Dope You Can Smoke!

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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10x06 - All The f*ckin' Dope You Can Smoke!

Post by bunniefuu »

This is my first day
as concierge

of the Munnyvale all-inclusive
casino and resort.

It's a lot more responsibility
with no more pay

but, as it grows, Julian says

I might be in line
for a promotion.

I'm in charge of...

checking people in and
giving them these bracelets.

What the frig?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Good morning, Randy!

Oh, honey, what
happened to your nipples?

Sorry, Barb,
can't let you in.

The park's been re-zoned.
Private property.

You guys got
to move on.

Why don't you
f*ck off, Randy,

before I drag my nightcrawler
across your face

and leave
a slimer on you!

Frig off, Donna!
Frig off!

My tits are private property too!
Come on, ladies, let's go!

Yeah, what about those, eh?
Look at those!

Let go! Scrawny
little piece of sh*t!

Who do you think
you're dealing with?

Get in the f*cking car!
Okay! Okay!

Get in the car!
Just let go!

Rosie McDonnell!

Nice ass, like
a little woman.

f*ck.

Eighteen. Good faith!

What do you mean, hold?

Hit, you f*cking p*ssy!

Dude!

What's up?

I ain't never seen this
sort of plug before, man.

I swear to f*ck you're
getting dumber by the day.

The plug's
right here, Cory.

Stay away from that sh*t that Ricky's
giving you, man. I'm serious.

f*ck...

Oh, there the pit boss!

There he is, dawg!
What's up, boys?

What's up,
homerun?

Have a seat, dawg.

Upscale status for two, ain't it?
f*cking right.

Place looks teera-eera-eerela-tie!
M'sayin'?

Only think
you need, dawg,

some more upscale
unnertainment.

Like, I ain't going to down
Bubbles, y'know I mean,

but mafuckers
this classy,

they ain't
feelin' country, dawg!

You need beats
bumpin', hah?

That's what I'm talking
about, hop up right quick.

Let's spit some
rhymes, dawg.

I though you said
we came here

to gamble and
look at b*tches.

We did, dawg.
We're going to gamble,

look at b*tches,
you know what I'm sayin'?

Maybe freestyle,
all that, dawg.

And all
that bullshit.

How many times
do I have to tell you?

I rap when
I want to rap,

not when mafuckas
tell me to.

I'm light.

I just thought
you were on my side.

Why you trippin'?

Because I want to do
normal teenage kid stuff

and invite
my girl and sh*t

but I can't do that because
my old man is a whack sucka!

You best watch
yourself, dawg.

I might be whack but
I ain't a sucka, a'ight?

Yeah, whatever. I'm the
f*ck out like Crocs. Peace.

Peace, man.

Whack sucker.
I was here, dawg.

Hard act little
mafk too, ain't he?

Argh, cock bacon, f*ck!

Aww.

Are you feeling
sorry for him?

I don't know.
I mean, look at him.

He's trying
really hard.

And it kind of makes me
feel like I made a mistake.

Like you made
a mistake?

Lucy, Ricky's
a f*ck-up.

Okay, say it with me:

Ricky. Is. A...

Octopus slut!

What a f*cking
piece of sh*t,

f*cking whore
piece of...

f*ck!

Bubbs, Bubbs!
Hey, Julian!

Headphones, man.
Headphones.

Look, man, I don't know what
you did with the website,

but reservations are
starting to roll in, buddy.

Three couples booked for the
entire f*cking weekend.

That's how I f*cking
do it, baby!

We just got to clean
up this f*cking mess.

Come on, you f*cking d*ck!

How the f*ck are
you still not hard?

What in the name
of Christ? Ricky!

Just leave him
alone, Bubbs.

- f*cking assh*le!
- Take that! Come on!

Rick! Guys,
can you not?

Just don't film this
for one second. Ricky!

What?

Oh, my God,
it's a tire pump.

Ricky, I thought you were over
here f*cking pounding one!

I already did that.

How long have you
been doing that?

A couple of hours, man.
My arm's f*cked!

Yeah, 'cause
this is for, like,

beach balls and
footballs and things.

I got a air
compressor.

Why didn't you
just use that?

Because I couldn't drive
the car over there,

the f*cking
tire was flat.

No, Ricky, it's air...
it's portable.

You could have just brought
it right here and just...

Rick, we've got people
booked for the weekend, man.

Nice!
So we've got to get

this place cleaned up, man.
It looks like sh*t.

What are you talking about?

All that stuff's
f*cking perfectly good.

It looks like a
garbage dump over here.

Hey, guys. Is the
dr*gs store open?

Yeah, yeah. Go on inside.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Where's your bracelets?

What? We just want
to buy some weed.

This is an all-inclusive
resort, okay?

bucks and you can
have all the gambling

and booze you want
over there.

Look, I don't know what the
f*ck he's talking about.

Go on inside.
No, no, no, no!

Tell Lucy that Ricky
said he was sorry...

No. Go to the front
gate, pay the bucks

or get the f*ck
out of here!

It's your choice.

Look, there's lots of other
places to buy weed, dude.

All right.
Peace.

Get the f*ck out
of here, then.

What the f*ck,
Julian?

Rick. It's an all-inclusive
resort now, buddy.

Now they've got to f*cking
pay the all-inclusive rates

or it doesn't work. It doesn't
make any sense if they don't.

How's that going to work
for my business?

People aren't going to pay
bucks to come and buy dope!

Rick, they start gambling,
they start winning money,

they get drunk, they're
going to want to get high,

they're going to buy
tons of f*cking dope.

Sounds f*cked to me.

It's not f*cked. You're f*cked.
No, you're more f*cked!

No, you just don't...
You can't understand...

The casino's dumb and you're
dumb and you're f*cked!

Tell me what is
going on in the park!

Argh! Frigg off!

How long has that been going on?
Cold!

Oh, you think
that's cold, Randy?

Remember when we used to...
What's going on in there?

That was when we were
dating. Frig off!

Barb!

Mind your own business!

What are you doing to Randy?

Just a little old-fashioned
interrogation.

Well, you let him go

or I'm going to call
the cops immediately!

They're doing things to me!

Oh, look who it is!

The skinny Malcoholovich-
looking m*therf*cker! Yeah!

Oh, my God! That was
so much fun, girls!

Randy!

Good luck sitting down, Randy!
Are you okay, bud?

No, Mr. Lahey.

What the hell's
going on, Barb?

What do you want?

What I want,
Jim, is justice.

Look, that park
was stolen from me.

And from you.
And I want it back!

And so should you!

But I don't, Barb.
Don't you get it?

I don't want it back.
You want it back?

You get it back and
keep my g*dd*mn share!

I don't care. Just leave
Randy and me alone, okay?

No, not okay! You're in this
whether you like it or not.

And what I want from you is I
want you over at that park

and I want you to find out
what the f*ck Julian is up to!

I'm not going back to the park!
I'm not going to do it!

Ah! Say that again
into my good ear

'cause I don't think I
heard you, m*therf*cker.

Yeah. And have you
suddenly forgotten

the conversation
we just had?

I'll give it
a go, Barb.

Don't give it a
go, Jim. Do it.

You okay, Randy?

I'm damaged goods,
Mr. Lahey.

Oh, Randy. It must
have been awful.

It was.

Hey, no entry unless
you have a bracelet.

Excuse me? We booked through
your website for the weekend.

Who the f*ck
do we talk to?

Oh, I'm sorry. You guys
have reservations?

Ah, yeah. We booked
for three nights.

Okay, you want to talk to my
concierge up at the gate there.

Fat guy, no shirt,
bow tie.

No? All right, okay, cool.
I'll take care of it.

All right, let's go. Actually the first
place you're going to want to go

is in the drug store there.
Let's get you all set up

with some edibles, some smokeables...
No, you don't! No.

Ricky, we've got
to get them drunk

and f*cking
gambling, okay?

They should get
high first, though!

No, they're not
going to get high!

I need them
f*cking zoned out.

All right! Are you guys
ready to party?

Yeah! Right on!
My name's Julian.

This is f*cking
bullshit, Julian!

Ricky, just...

Hi, Bubbles. Bubbles
and The Shitrockers.

I'll be taking
care of all

your entertainment
needs.

- Come right in.
- f*cking assh*le!

We'll get you guys set up
with some liquor drinks.

You like liquor drinks?
Yeah.

Marguerite,
liquor drinks, please.

- Hey!
- Hey!

What do youse want?

What d'you cover
my eyes for?

You'll see, mafucker,
you know I'm sayin'?

This your old man trying to
make some sh*t up to you,

you know what I'm sayin'?
I wanted to give you

a little privacy with your shawty.
You know what I'm sayin'?

It might be just what
the dizzoctor izzordered.

You ready?
Yeah.

Three, two, one.

Huah!

Blah, blah!

What's that creeping
out your mouth?

That's a smile,
ain't it?

Sayin'? Have
a seat, dawg.

Got you chips,
you know what I'm sayin'?

You have bottles poppin'.

Play some video games
with your candy, huah?

Would a whack sucka
do this for a mafk?

I don't think so!

It's tight, ain't it?
Yeah, it's a'ight.

We should
probably talk about

the bizzurds and
the bizzees though,

if y'all two going
to be pushing up

on each other
right quick.

I probably know more
than you do, bitch.

A'ight. Just sayin',

if you're going down south,
you know I'm sayin',

put a jimmy hat
on your sh*t, huah?

Kind of like old times,
isn't it, Randy-bo-banders?

A little bit, yeah.

Ah-h-h-h.

Randy, I...

I don't quite know
how to handle this,

but don't get me wrong.

I love living
outside the park.

My life's just
about perfect, Randy,

but just seeing you
the last couple of days

makes me thinks there's
something missing in my life.

You know what
I mean, bud?

Yeah, Mr. Lahey,
but... just...

I don't think we should
complicate things right now.

Thanks, Mr. Lahey.

- The hell you doing here?
- You're not allowed in here!

I'm just... I'm just
dropping him off.

Where the f*ck
have you been?

Barb and her goon b*tches
kidnapped me, Julian,

and they did things with...
a frigging mackerel!

A frozen one! A mackerel? What
the f*ck are you talking about?

Barb's gunning
for you. Seriously.

She told me that
I had to come over here,

scope things out
and spy on you

and see what kind of plans
you're making, Julian.

Is that right?
Yeah! I told her

I didn't want to have
anything to do with it,

but she... Julian,

she's f*cking
blackmailing me.

She's blackmailing you?
Yeah.

How f*cking stupid do
you think I am, huh?

I don't think
you're stupid, Julian.

I think you're a lot of
things, but you're not stu...

Ooh, that suit looks
really good on you, bud.

Get the f*ck back in your
car and don't come back.

I think you should
go, Mr. Lahey.

Listen, Julian.
I'm really sorry.

It wasn't my fault.
Do your f*cking job!

How hard is it to do
your f*cking job, huh?

f*cking idiot!

He-e-ey, how's
everybody doing?

You guys enjoying
yourselves so far?

Everything cool? Can I
get you guys anything?

Uh... When does the free
dope start rolling out?

Free dope?
Dope's not included.

Just the rooms, booze,
snacks, gambling.

What are you talking about?
The ad on the website

said all the f*cking
dope you can smoke.

Are you f*cking
kidding me?

No.

Jesus Christ...

There, Ricky.
How's that?

It's still a little
f*cked right there.

Can you get it
any straighterly?

Ricky, I'm not a f*cking
bumper specialist.

I'm not going to get it
back to factory-perfect

and I kind of don't
have time for this.

I need to get
practicing.

Come on, buddy. Don't quit just
'cause you suck at something.

I don't suck at it!
You f*cking suck at it.

That's why you brought
it to me. Remember?

Boys! What the hell did
you put on the internet?

What?
The commercial?

It's f*cking awesome!
Did you see it?

Let me see
the f*cking thing.

Are you tired of having
to haul out your wallet

every single time you buy
a drink at the bar?

Are you sick of getting
kicked out of casinos

'cause you're too f*cked up?

Hey, suck
my cock, pig!

Then come to the Munnyvale
all-inclusive resort and casino

at the Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Gambling.
Luxury accommodations.

Unlimited drinks...

Privacy.
And once you're here,

all the f*cking dope you can smoke!
Ricky!

The Munnyvale all-inclusive
resort and casino

at Sunnyvale Trailer Park.
Bubbs!

Call now or book online
at http://www.munnyvalecasino.com.

Are you guys
f*cked in the head?

Why did you let
him mention dope?

What's the difference
between saying that

and saying f*cking
free liquor and gambling?

Bubbs, there's a big difference!
It's dope!

Nice going, buddy. You just
f*cked up the entire business.

The f*ck, Julian? Chill out,
no one's going to see it, man.

He put it on the f*cking
worldy-pipy internet.

It's not like he put it
on Channel .

Rick, billions of people
have the internet!

Billions! There's not even billions
of people in the universe.

Maybe ants or rocks or sand,
but not f*cking people.

Well, guess
what, Ricky?

Your dope's free now to
everybody that has bracelets.

Free? Why?

Because you advertised
it that way!

Right in the
f*cking ad, man!

It's an
all-inclusive ad!

Do you know what
all-inclusive means?

Yeah. It means that all... most
of the stuff is inclusive.

No, it means
all of it is!

Jesus Christ, Bubbs.

You know what, I expect it from
this stupid f*cking idiot,

but what were
you f*cking thinking?

You told me to f*cking
deliver a cool ad

and I delivered
a cool ad!

No, you delivered
a shitty ad

that f*cked
everything up.

Take it down!
And guess what?

You're not playing music
in my bar any more.

I'm changing
the whole music format.

What? That's
f*cking bullshit!

I didn't f*cking know
that dope wasn't inclusive

or that he didn't
know what it meant

or f*cking...
What?

This is f*cking bullshit,
Julian! f*ck you!

Well, f*ck you!

I'll take the
f*cking thing down

and I won't play at the bar
any more but guess what?

You don't f*cking ask me to do
anything for you ever again!

- How about that?
- How about that?

I'm so f*cking pissed
off at you, Ricky!

You're a f*cking idiot!

What the f*ck
are you doing?

Bubbles just fixed
that f*cking thing!

I don't give a sh*t!

Oh, you don't give a sh*t?
Is that right? Okay.

I don't give a sh*t about
your f*cking stuff either!

Oh, you're gonna make me lose
more money now, are you?

Is that the game you want
to f*cking play, huh?

It's what you want to f*cking play!
Where are you going?

Is that the game you
want to f*cking play,

you stupid f*cking idiot?

Huh?

Yeah?

You f*ck off
with that!

f*cking assh*le!

Are you f*cking
kidding me?

Are you f*cking
kidding me?

Are you f*cking
kidding me?

Ha ha ha, you
f*cking assh*le!

What are you going
to do, Julian?

Ah! You want to go to Fucktown?

Is that where you
want to f*cking go?

You wanna go
to Fucktown?

You put your
f*cking g*n down!

You put your
f*cking g*n down!

Put your f*cking g*n down,
I'll put my f*cking g*n down!

Put your f*cking
g*n down.

All right, we'll put them
down at the same time.

Count of three.
You ready?

One. Two. Three.

Yeah, I f*cking
knew it, Julian!

Put your f*cking
g*n down, man!

Put your f*cking
g*n down.

Yeah? What do you
want to do here?

Well, what do you
want to f*cking do?

f*cking blame
all this sh*t on me!

He can take a f*cking
big hydraulic suck

on my f*cking nuts!

What the f*ck is that?
Jimmy Kimmel?


Hello? Hello, there!

Hello? Jimmy Kimmel?

Yes, yes. How are you doing?

I'm doing good.
How are you doing?

I'm doing well,
thank you.

Can you hear me
all right?

I can hear you great.

Am I on the TV right now?

Yes, yes,
sir, indeed,

you are indeed on
the TV right now.

I'm calling about

this all-inclusive
resort and casino you have

that you're running in
your trailer park there.

Are you the owner
of this?

Well, I'm kind of
one of the partners.

You know, my best
friend Julian,

he opened it
in his trailer

and it's kind
of like...

Jesus Murphy!

What's wrong?

Ah...

Is that...

Julian's in a fight with
my other best friend Ricky,

a bit of a g*n fight.
Can you just...

A g*n fight? ...Hang
on one second!

Yeah...
Just don't hang up!

All right.
We won't...

Well, I'll sh**t
your f*cking sh*t again!

Boys! Jesus, boys!

Get over here!

Jimmy Kimmel's talking
to me on the computer!

What?
Jimmy Kimmel?

Jimmy Kimmel's live on
the f*cking computer!

Get in here!

For f*ck's sakes!

Ricky! Get in
here! Look!

Jimmy Kimmel's called us
on the thing.

He's asking
about the casino.

Were...

Were you guys shoo...

Were you sh**ting
out there?

Yeah, dicky-nuts
over there

was sh**ting at
my trailer.

You sh*t at
my car first!

Boys!

What the
is going on here?

I just...
I'm sorry...

I'm sorry to interrupt
your g*n fight

but I saw on the internet
where you guys

are running this
resort and casino

with free marijuana
or whatever

in your trailer park.
Is that correct?

Yeah, man.
It's completely gated.

There's a kick-ass
casino,

live entertainment,
lots of free booze.

Man, it's
awesome!

Tons of dope!

So you actually allow
people to smoke dope

in the casino while
they're gambling?

Is that legal in Canada?

Well, I mean, the cops
don't bother us, right?

I mean, it's
private property,

so we basically do
whatever the we want.

All right. And how
is it going so far?

Is business good?

Are people coming
and participating?

Yeah, man. It's starting
to really pick up now.

You know,
hoping that people

from all over
the world will come

visit this place
sometime, you know?

Yeah, you...

you must know
some people, do you,

Jimmy Kimmel,
that might come up?

I know a lot
of people.

Yes, of course I do.

And you're on
right now. So...

Would you invite
these people up

to get stoned and gamble for us?
That'd be awesome!

I would... uh...

Is that a g*n that you're
wiping your nose with?

You need a g*n
when you handle

with stupid friends
like this dumb bastard!

Are you seriously putting
your g*n where you did?

Boys, put the g*ns down!

Sorry about this,
Jimmy Kimmel!

I... it's...

f*cking
sh**t somebody!

Ricky, put the
f*cking g*n down!

You put your
f*cking g*n down!

You put your f*cking
g*n down first!

Boys, I was talking to Jimmy
Kimmel and you f*cking ruined it!

He started it! He started it!

What's cracking, dawg?

Hey, what you
doin', youman?

What does it look like
I'm doing? I'm packing.

What you packing for?
Where are you going?

I'm going to move
in my mom's.

But you've got
a moms up in hurr.

Not that Mexican
bitch. Hell, no!

Marcia? Don't talk
to her like that, dawg.

I just did. Here, let me tell
you something right quick.

That's emotional baggage,
what you're doin', dawg.

Hey! Sit on the bed
right quick.

Hey! Hey! Sit on
the bed right quick!

Talk to me mafk
to mafk.

You ain't goin'
nowhere, dawg!

Just take a breaths,
tell me what's goin' on.

You got a moms, a'ight?

Marcia?
That's right.

I asked that bitch
to make me a sandwich,

she knitted me
a pair of mittens!

She learnin', dawg.

A'ight, she learnin'
English. She tryin'.

Baloney sound like mittens,
you know what I'm sayin'?

When you say 'em quick.

Be patient, dawg. Ain't
nuttin' wrong with her.

We all trying', a'ight?
It's a new arrangement,

you know I mean?

This ain't no place
for kids to grow up.

Suckas hassling you
to spit rhymes.

I just want to study!

Is that what this is about?
Yeah!

Me pushin' you
too hard to spit?

That's what's going
on here, huah?

Two things, dawg!
Two things!

Look at me with
your eyeballs!

Two things.

One, I grew up
in this mafucker

and I turned
out dope!

And the second
thing is,

I ain't goin'
to pressure you

to spit no more, dawg.

You can go on with
your maths. Sayin'?

Promise you I won't be pushin'
you to rap no more, dawg.

Promise?

Lick it, stamp it,
no racy-dacies!

Will you stay?

Yes.

That's good.

Hey, Jim!

Hi, Barb.

How are you?

I'm... Actually, Barb,
I'm pretty busy.

Oh, really?

So... uh...

Jim, did you manage to
talk to Julian for me?

Barb, I talked to Julian

but he didn't believe
a f*cking word I was saying.

I'm sorry. I can't
do anything about it.

Ohhh. Oh, no,
that's too bad, Jim,

because, like, I don't
need to remind you

what'll happen if you can't
get the information I need,

do I?
Barb...

You don't need to
f*cking remind me!

Good. Good. 'Night.

'Night.
Sleep tight.

Good night.

Barb! Where'd you put all
those f*cking coolers at?

Oh, yeah, I guess
I came down pretty hard

on Bubbles and Ricky,
but, you know,

I totally thought they
f*cked up my entire business.

But this whole dope thing
got the word out now.

I mean, we were on Jimmy Kimmel.

So hopefully that'll draw
people into this place.

I guess I'm going to have to
go apologize to those dicks.

Here, Ricky, she should
slide right...

Oh, for f*ck's
sakes! I f*cked.

We've got to take
the tail lights off.

f*ck!

Hey, Bubbs. Hey, Rick.

Do you hear
something, Bubbles?

Yeah, it sounded like

the endangered
muscular dickweed birds

chirping somewhere
in the distance.

Yeah, that's
what I heard too.

Look, Rick.

I'm sorry for
ripping down your sign

and sh**ting
at your car.

It was a d*ck move,
man. I apologize.

Oh, f*ck, if only Hallmark
made a card for that occasion.

Rick, Bubbs...
I'm f*cking sorry.

I'm just stressed
out, you guys.

And you can play at my bar
any time you want, Bubbs.

Okay.

I'm sorry I sh*t at your
bar with customers inside.

It wasn't
very smart.

It's okay.

I'm sorry I pissed
in your poker machine.

You pissed in
my poker machine?

I did too.

Right, look, Rick...

We're going to make this dope
thing part of the all-inclusive.

People in e-mail and
on the f*cking website,

that's all they
want to know about.

But I can't. Like,
how's that good for me?

I'm going to lose a ton
of f*cking money.

We just have to work
together, boys.

That way we can all split
the profits equally.

We've just got to concentrate
on getting people drunk

so they'll
gamble more.

That way it'll keep the
dope down to a minimum.

Free dope would bring a lot
more people in, Ricky.

It would.

Giving away free dope
for the gooder of us all.

It's a noble gesture.

You'd be like the
Robin Hood of dope.

Come on, boys.
We're better

when we're together
than when we're not.

I agree.

Put 'em in!

All right.

All for all and one for
one, then, I guess.

What? Did
I f*ck that up?

Yup. You know what?

It doesn't
matter, though.

It doesn't matter.
One, two, three!

Dee-dlee-dlee!

Dee-dlee-dlee!
Bubbs, man, stop.

Want a drink, Rick?
Sure.

Don't! I pissed
in that too.

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck off! f*ck!...

f*ck off! Jesus Christ!

f*ck.

f*ck off.
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