01x05 - #ButThatsNoneOfMyBusiness

[bunniefuu]

[bell ringing]

No way! A shark would tear it to shreds.

It's got, like, 50 rows of teeth.

Which the giant squid would clamp shut

- with its huge tentacles, like this.
- [Zig] Hey!

Uh, should I be jealous?

Um... [clears throat]

You guys know Lola?

[tauntingly] Is she your girlfriend?

Oh, we're... talking?

- Nice hair, by the way.
- Oh, thank you. I like your...





Um, your... your keychain.

- I know, right? And it buzzes.
- [buzzing]

[chuckling] Yes, well, I
assume that's why you bought it.

Well, it's great for stress relief.

- [laughs]
- Well, I'm sure it is.

I don't think talking is
going to satisfy her, Tiny.

All right, uh, we have to head to physics.

[Zig and Maya chuckling]

Oh, my God. Is there a pop quiz?

Yes. What's wrong with my keychain?

- Lo, that's a vibrator.
- Oh, ew!

Oh, no, no. Do you think
Tiny thinks I use it?

- Probably.
- [Shay] Just tell him you don't.

We just started talking.





How am I supposed to
talk to him about... that?

[clicks tongue]

[theme music playing]

♪ Whatever it takes I know
I can make it through ♪

♪ And if I hold out I know
I can make it through ♪

♪ Be the best, be the best
The best that I can be ♪

♪ Whatever it takes ♪

♪ I know I can make it I
know I can make it through ♪

- [Hunter] Come on! Come on, faster!
- [video game chiming]

[groans]

Get... Use your heal spell!

Oh, damn. Oh, you idiots. Come on.

Hey, uh, could you just keep
it down? I'm trying to focus.

Yeah, me too. If Northern Tech wins this,

then my gaming team makes playoffs.

'Kay, can you watch it somewhere else?

[scoffs] Since when are
you such a homework nut?

What're you working on? [sighs]

"I didn't care about
the scrapes on my knees,

I just wanted those damn
training wheels off."

Is this creative writing?

Uh, there's some high school writing
feature in the Toronto Interpreter.

Mr. Mitchell thinks that
they might publish it.

Really? My son, the author?

Well, it's not for sure yet.

I still need to finish these
edits and send it to him tonight.

So if you guys could just
give me some space, please?

[Hunter] Yes!

Parkdale lost!

Which means we made playoffs!

You'll understand when my
gaming team's playing in the gym,

annihilating the competition.

Ooh! Should we all go watch?

[Hunter] You really wanna come?

Yeah. Yeah, you're my brother.

What if I want Dad to come, too?

- Totally fine.
- Really?

You guys are in for a show.

[Mrs. Hollingsworth] I love it
that my boys are doing so well.

Wait...

how are you a favorite and I'm not?

I guess I've just got it all figured out.

Now, can I finish my work?

[Maya] No, you can't
read the lyrics yet!

They're just dumb placeholder words.

- About what? Zig and his muscles?
- [sighs]

[Maya snickers]

Um, we have the room.

Oh, I know. Uh, that's
actually why we're here.

We heard your song "Not Okay."

Oh, how? Were you at our show?

- I kinda posted it.
- "Kinda"?

[stammers] No, I did for sure.

Regardless, um, we'd be honored
if you'd play a show for us.

For The Feminist Club?

[Goldi] We hope to convince
the principal to convert

one boys' washroom into a girls' washroom,

and "Not Okay" would be the
perfect anthem to our protest.

Oh, well, I mean, it's
not really an anthem.

It's just kind of some
stuff I went through.

Please think about it.

[softly] Thanks.

- [sighs]
- See? A show. Can't be mad now.

- Yeah, but I mean, for The Feminist Club?
- What's wrong with feminists?

That they get angry
over every little thing.

[scoffs] Still, a gig's a gig.

[both chuckle]

- [bell ringing]
- Is that him?

[chuckles] Nice wig, but
you can't avoid him forever.

Hey, if she wants to avoid him...

Look, you like him, right?

Yeah, but now he thinks I'm
some loser who has to do...

that because she can't get a boyfriend.

[gasps] Or, he thinks I'm some
pervert sex-freak who has to do...

that in math class. Oh.

Uh, I sit next to you in math.

- [sighs]
- Just tell him you don't.

But he's a grade 11. What if
he wants me to be a sex-freak?

[sighs] This is a total disaster.

You've been on one date.

Which is exactly how all of
history's greatest romances started.

I'm gonna try and hit the
girls' room before class.

- Wish me luck.
- [Lola] Bye.

- [sighs]
- Hey, do you really believe all that?

The loser-pervert stuff?

I mean, we're supposed
to think that, but...

Oh, my God, you do it.

- Shh!
- [gasps]

Not all the time or anything.

How?

I don't know.

In the shower, like... [inhales]

- with the shower head...
- [gasps]

Okay, shut it down.
I... This isn't about me.

It's about figuring out what
you're gonna say to Tiny.

[exhales]

What does it feel like?

[stuttering]

[giggles]

[Mr. Mitchell] Miles.

Your short story's really
good now. I loved the changes,

and the Interpreter loved it, too.

They're gonna publish it
and do a profile on you.

- Seriously?
- Yep.

Oh, my mom's gonna flip. [inhales]

You know, I actually went
to J-school with Rodrigo.

He's a great guy.

He'll be at your place for the interview.

He wants to see what home life
is like for a literary genius?

- [both chuckle]
- And to ask you about your short story,

what it's about.

Uh, it's my dad.

Hey, if you're not up for it, I
can put someone else's name forward.

No, no, I've... I've got it.

How, exactly, do you "got this"?

You know it's so messed
up that when I'm happy,

everybody sounds the alarm.

Maybe because it's a warning.

What are these?

- Uh, what did you say they were?
- Um, lorazepam?

Which weren't prescribed to you.

Look, these anxiety meds
can be super addictive.

Can you tell this narc over
here that they aren't addictive?

Let me ask you this. Do they help?

That's not an answer.

Well, I don't want to have
to take them, like, forever.

Why not? You eat food every day.

- That's not the same thing.
- People drink coffee every day.

They're anxiety meds, not lattes.

[Esme] We all do things to
cope with the crushing fear

of our inevitable mortality.

But you're only supposed to take
these a couple weeks at a time.

Okay, what happens if I stop?

You spontaneously... combust.

Be serious.

[Esme] This charming young
man you've been lately

goes back to being a nervous
mess anytime anyone whispers,

- [whispers] "Daddy."
- [scoffs]

[Winston] Look, popping these
pills like they're candy,

that's as messed up as she is.

Hey, guys! I got another gig.

- Oh, that's my girl.
- [Maya chuckles]

- [sighs]
- You're not, like, a feminist now, right?

It's pronounced "feminazi."

- [Maya scoffs]
- They support women, dummies.

Yeah, at the expense of men.

[Tiny] They think the world
would be better off without us.

Are you referring to feminists,

or your little girlfriend
who's been ignoring your texts?

Okay, look, I'm pretty
sure it's about equality.

Well, if it's about equality,

then why are they trying to
take one of our bathrooms?

Look, right now we have
five and you have five.

If they take one, that's six and four.

Oh. Yeah, that doesn't seem really equal.

But nobody uses the tech hall
bathroom. Isn't it always empty?

Not empty. Just... private.

- I use it to...
- Return a book to the library.

Deliver a package... by airmail.

- [Maya and Grace scoff]
- Participate in a slam dunk competition.

Okay, gross. You poo. We get it.

But can't you do that in any bathroom?

Well, you know I get
g*n-shy if people can hear.

Come on, you delicate flower.

Our bathrooms are always packed.

Well, girls need to be more efficient.

Unfortunately, we lack some of the
hardware necessary to use urinals.

Look, I will be front
row at any of your gigs,

but equal should mean equal.

[water running]

[Rodrigo] It's... It's
really, really great.

How long you been writing?

Since kindergarten. Three R's, you know?

I really, uh, took to 'em.

[chuckles] I... I mean, creatively.

Uh... a month?

Uh, I never really thought I was any good

- before Mr. Mitchell, so...
- Well, it's...

It's important to have a mentor. [chuckles]

Okay, uh, tell me a little bit about
Taking Off the Training Wheels.

[clears throat]

Uh, well, you...

It's a short story about...

learning how to ride a bike.

Well, more specifically,
learning from your dad, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I guess, yeah.

Uh, with whom the main character

seems to have a pretty
complicated relationship.

[breath trembling]

[line ringing]

[shuddering]

I need you.

[Esme] Three little words
every girl wants to hear.

[stuttering]

I can't breathe.

Did you go off the pills cold
turkey? I told you not to.

- Take one now.
- I flushed them.

[panting] I feel...

I... I feel like my heart's gonna explode.

Okay. Uh, this is a garden
variety panic att*ck.

I'll walk you through it.

Start by breathing into your belly.

[whimpering]

[doctor] Okay.

[inhales]

Tickety-boo.

You are a picture of health,

so we'll see you again next year.

[sighs]

Unless there's something else?

[sighs]

I'm broken.

Okay. Um, I literally
just did a full check-up.

Any specific part of you?

My argolla.

Your vag*na? Did you do something to it?

Yes, and nothing happened.

- I'm getting old.
- [sighs]

You're gonna have to spell this out for me.

I just found out that my friend has been...

having some alone time.

- Masturbating?
- Yeah, that, and...

I thought I should try...

that, and it didn't work.

It didn't feel good?

[sighs] I mean, it felt
okay, like, I didn't...

Have an orgasm?

[sighs deeply] Oh, dear.

Am I abnormal? I knew it. Oh.

[chuckling] Lola, you're
definitely not normal.

Oh! Dios mío.

[chuckles] But because there is no normal.

Everyone is different,

so different things
work for different women.

Not everybody orgasms every time.

Um, so what do I have to do? Physio?

Relax. Here.

Read this.

Get to know yourself.

It's a normal thing to do, and
it's supposed to be enjoyable.

Okay?

[sighs]

How about one that says,
"Inequality has got to go"?

[chuckles] Get it?

Maya, such a pleasure.

Uh, shall we discuss your technical needs?

- Actually, I can't do the show.
- Oh.

[sighs] That's such a disappointment.

I just don't feel like I'm a feminist.

- No offense.
- None taken.

But, uh, just out of curiosity,
what makes you say that?

Well, for one, I'm not anti-men.

[chuckling] And we're
all horrible man-haters?

Well, no, but stealing
one of the boys' washrooms

just doesn't seem very equal.

[sighs] Tell me this.

Do you think that men and women

should be paid the same
salary for the same job?

Yeah, for sure.

And do you think that boys and girls
should have the same access to education?

I think that's pretty obvious.

Yet this school ignores the fact

that boys and girls use
washrooms differently.

Have you ever waited in line?

- I think we all have.
- Not boys.

And with only seven minute breaks,
this makes girls late for class

and causes them to miss
lessons, and get detention.

Hmm. I never... I never thought
of that. [chuckles softly]

And wouldn't you say that this gives
girls a worse education than boys?

Yeah, I would.

Well, then I have news
for you, Maya Matlin.

You are a feminist.

[chuckles]

- Are you sure we'll find pills?
- Girls in grade 10 gym?

Can you name a group of
people with more anxiety?

[unzips bag]

[sighs] Look for anything
that says uptight.

Two-strap backpacks.

You see that girl Shay's stuff anywhere?

I can't believe you didn't
fill your scripts this week.

Hey, I can't believe you'd
flush what I gave you.

So we're even.

[breath trembling] What
if we don't find any?

I lost it when I had to talk about my dad.

In, like, an hour, at my brother's
gaming thing, I have to talk to him.

And I'm sure that you'll be fine.

I know I will, because of these.

They'll do in a pinch,
but the dosage is higher

than you're used to,
and the effects are fast.

Sounds good to me.

[breathing heavily]

[Mrs. Lin] So, remember, you can
use any or part of this pattern

to suggest that an action
or verb is in progress.

[speaking Mandarin]

- Frankie?
- "They are singing."

Very good.

How about...

[speaks Mandarin]

- Shay?
- "They are... laughing"?

Trick question. That is
also, "They are singing."

How about...

[speaks Mandarin]

- Lola?
- Huh?

It means, "She is reading,"
but what is she reading?

Care to share with the rest of the class?

Uh, no, no. That's okay. [chuckles]

[speaks Mandarin]

That means, "I insist."

[sighs]

[stutters]

[sighs]

Go on.

"Masturbation is the stimulation
or manipulation of the genitals."

[students laughing]

[Mrs. Lin] Okay, okay, settle down.

This is nothing to be
embarrassed about. Now, focus.

[mouthing] Sorry.

[sighs]

[indistinct conversations]

_

Uh, until further notice,
this washroom's out of order.

This is ridiculous.

Maya, can you please tell her
that I need to use this bathroom?

- [Maya sighs]
- You too, Maya?

Zig, there are four other perfectly
good boys' bathrooms that you could use.

But you know that I can't...

Girls have to deal with that every
day. Maybe now it's your turn.

Sorry.

Okay, everyone, let's
get this party started.

[pop music playing]

And be sure to sign our petition.

♪ Don't call me babe
When you know my name ♪

♪ You're not the hunter
I'm not your game ♪

♪ This is it You gotta
know when to quit ♪

♪ And you'd better
get used to it ♪

Yael, I need you to bait.

Ten steps ahead of you.

- Vijay, drop a blind.
- Sir, yes, sir.

- [Hunter] Baaz, drop it.
- [Baaz] Ready to drop.

Target annihilated. Let's do this.

[Frankie] Hunter's k*lling it.

Is Hunter k*lling it?

I don't really know what's happening.

Yeah, I... I think he
just k*lled a furry guy.

Of course he's k*lling it. He's
a Hollingsworth. Right, Dad?

Hmm?

- Damn straight. We're winners.
- [chuckles]

- All right, guys, let's go in.
- [swords clanging]

[chanting] Let's go, Hunter.

Baaz, drop it.

Let's go, Hunter. Let's go, Hunter.

Let's go, Hunter.

- Let's go, Hunter.
- You're distracting me, you doof.

- Let's go...
- Hey! Hey, man.

[whispers] You're acting kinda weird.

Come on.

Miles, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just...

loving this family time.

- What is going on with him?
- Uh... long day.

We had a quiz.

I have known you since you
were in diapers, Winston.

Don't lie to me.

[softly] Okay.

He's on dr*gs.

Pills. [sniffs]

Let's go get some air.

Come on.

Where are they?

You were doing so well.
You were getting published.

I'm trying to be the son
that you want me to be.

No, you're not. You were high at school.

[scoffs]

What, you think this is funny?

No, you're right. This is terrible.

I'm a terrible kid.

[shudders]

You missed a shelf.

[sighs heavily]

[Lola] I've been off all
my socials for five hours.

Is everyone talking about me?

I can't bear to look.

Well, they're not not talking about you.

[whimpers]

Why were you even reading that, anyway?

Because. We never talk about it.

- It's kind of private.
- Guys talk about this stuff all the time.

Eggplant, fist, rain drops.

We don't even have emojis for it.

Okay. [chuckles]

So, what did it say?

- [chuckles]
- [tablet chiming]

[chuckles]

It's Tiny. Time to face the music.

Good night.

[tablet continues chiming]

- [door closes]
- [Lola sighs]

Look, if you wanna stop talking
to me, then you're the worst.

Whoa! I... I don't
wanna stop talking.

Why would you think that?

I don't know... You laughed at me.

[chuckles] Everyone laughed.

- It was funny.
- [scoffs]

[sighs] I'm sorry.

Can we move past this,
starting with lunch tomorrow?

I can get there early and score you
some of those chocolate chunk cookies.

[snickers] I do like cookies.

I'll take that as a yes.

And one more question.
And I'm just curious...

None of your business, mister.

- [both chuckle]
- All right, all right.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[Mr. Mitchell] Required
reading for this weekend,

the profile of your classmate

and literary giant, Miles Hollingsworth.

[both chuckle]

[bell ringing]

[chuckles] Hey, it's not so bad.

[stuttering] You actually
seem really smart.

- "Actually"?
- Well, I mean,

I think your parents
are gonna be impressed.

Who cares?

Look... I'm sorry I blew
your secret to your mom.

I... I was worried.

Well, you don't have to worry anymore.

She trashed my room
searching for contraband.

- Well, did she find any?
- No. And she won't

because she doesn't know where to look.

Where did you get those?

From the one person who
actually does care about me.

Hey, come on. You don't
have to do that, all right?

If you really have anxiety,

I can get you help from
a doctor or something.

I'm done trying to be
everyone's favorite son.

If you're always a disappointment,
then it's impossible to disappoint.

Hey! I got your text. Why the grin?

Well, thanks in part to your
help, we got our 200 signatures

and the support of the parents' council.

Which means we did it?

Indeed! Would you like to do the honors,

or will that only further
upset your boyfriend?

- No, he's cool.
- [Goldi chuckles]

I mean, I explained to him how
equality doesn't always mean

everything is equal.

And now he's just gonna have to learn

to not eat two burritos every lunch hour.

[all laugh]

And you should do it. It was your idea.

[sighs]

[Maya chuckles]

[girls cheer and applaud]

- [Maya] So what's next?
- What do you mean?

Are you kidding? This was awesome.

I'm joining the freakin' club.

[laughs] Well, in that case...

From the video game competition...

The one that was here at school yesterday?

[Goldi] Using the school's
name, and the school's money...

To celebrate dudes practically
murdering half-naked women?

It doesn't seem right, does it?

[triumphant instrumental music playing]