03x05 - #HugeIfTrue

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

[girls laughing]

[chuckles] We should never
have children together, Lo.

[Lola] Oh, agreed. What
a nightmare! [chuckles]

What does your mom think we're doing
while she's at her yoga retreat?

Um, I told her you guys were
coming over to work on a project.

The project of beautification.

Okay, ladies, choose your color.

Yes! Nachos!

- [chuckles]
- I hope you brought salsa.

They're for facemasks.

Give me five,

and I'll return with something
that'll change your pores forever.

[giggles]

[gasps and squeals]

Remember how I said Jonah
had some play thing tonight?

Uh, no...

Well, it got canceled. So
he's gonna come over now.

[chuckles] My mom's super strict
about him being here. Is that okay?

Yeah, only if Tiny can come, too.

I've been cramming for
this math test all week,

and we haven't been able
to spend any time together.

Except, what about...

Lola.

I don't think she'll mind.

I mean, the more the merrier, right?

[both chuckle]

[theme music playing]

♪ Whatever it takes I know
I can make it through ♪

♪ And if I hold out I know
I can make it through ♪

♪ Be the best, be the best
The best that I can be ♪

♪ Whatever it takes ♪

♪ I know I can make it I
know I can make it through ♪

That needs salt and lime. [chuckles]

It's for our faces.

- [chuckles]
- We're finally having a girls' night.

Free of Shay and
Frankie's pesky boyfriends.

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

- For what?
- Mentioning boyfriends.

- Since mine's in a coma?
- Well, yeah.

No, don't apologize. It's
always nice to talk to you.

You never do the pity voice
with me. You know, the...

"How you doing?"

Oh, people did that all
the time when my mom left.

"I'm so sorry." [scoffs]

[chuckles]

So what else is on
the agenda for tonight?

Oh, mani-pedis, the rom-com
catalog of Kate Hudson,

and three tubs of candy cane ice cream
that I've been hoarding since Christmas.

We don't get to do
this very often anymore.

I want it to be awesome.

Well, I'm going to go work on the play.

If girls' night turns out to be
a bust, you should come visit.

It won't, but thanks.

I'll be in my bedroom.

[cell phone chimes]

[chuckles]

[knocking on door]

What are you guys doing here?

[Baaz] Girls' night!

Baaz found out your sister's
having her friends over

and wants to mack on Lola.

[Hunter] She's an idiot.

What are you talking about? Her
makeup tutorials are illuminating.

Okay, you guys gotta
go. Yael is coming over.

Of course she is.

I can't believe your mom buys
you all these designer clothes,

and you just wear that
same weird hoodie every day.

I like my hoodie. Can you go now?

It wouldn't hurt to take a little
bit of pride in your appearance.

I, for example, ironed
these chinos myself.

Ooh, can I have these?

Sure, if you leave.

[grunts] These are way too big.

You know what they say.
Big feet... [chuckles]

I don't see how that could be
true from a biological perspective.

We've been over this, Baaz.

Lots of guys with micropenises go
on to live rich and fulfilling lives.

- My feet are bigger than Vijay's.
- [scoffs] Nuh-uh.

Size , baby.

Okay, we're putting this rumor
to rest, once and for all.

How are we gonna do that?

We'll measure.

No way. Yael's coming over.

Right. Because now that
you've got a girlfriend,

you have no time for
the important stuff.

Oh, I get it. He's scared he'll lose.

[Baaz] Did you know that
since you started dating Yael,

you've bailed on us exactly seven times?

That's true, bee-tee-dubs.

Fine. I'll cancel with Yael.

Excellent. May the biggest man win.

Can you see this pimple on my chin?

Uh, now that you pointed it out, yes.

But why're you so worried? It's
not like it's your first date.

Well, things have been really
great between us lately.

- I just want tonight to be...
- Pimple free? [scoffs]

Special.

Mom's away, we've been
dating for a while...

I think I might be ready.

- To have sex?
- I'm not doing anything for sure.

I'm just... keeping an open mind.

You're making your judgy face.

Look, you were all worried
about him and Grace,

like, four seconds ago.

Yeah, but that was totally in my head.

I don't think you should do it
just because Jonah expects it.

Well, he's never pressured me. Not once.

This is what I want.

- Haven't you ever thought about it?
- Yeah, but, like, not for real.

- And Tiny's okay with that?
- Tiny is not like other boys.

He's not obsessed
with... all that stuff.

I read that boys think
about it every six seconds.

- All boys?
- [cell phone vibrates]

Whoo! Jonah's here! [chuckles]

[all laughing]

Vijay's right. We have
to measure from the base.

[chuckles] But then
they're gonna be shorter.

If we start from anywhere else,

the measurements will be skewed
by the size of the other bits.

Someone's an expert.

Just paid attention in geometry.

[Yael] You blew me off to do homework?

I thought you told her not to come.

Yeah, he did.

Because he's "deathly ill."

You know what? You don't deserve
my mother's Jewish penicillin.

We, uh... we were, uh, actually
just, uh, having a guys' night.

What could you be doing
that I can't be around for?

- I'm waiting.
- We were gonna watch p*rn.

[chuckles] What kind?

Uh, your kind?

Or, um, your kind?

- All of them.
- [sighs]

Sounds good. Load it up.

Why did you change? Kate Hudson
doesn't care what you wear.

- Well...
- [Frankie chuckles] Look who's here.

[Lola] What is he doing here?

- You didn't tell her?
- Tell me what?

[Tiny] Hey! Where the party at?

[chuckles] Nice.

We may have invited
Jonah and Tiny. [chuckles]

With the rest of the school, apparently.

- Hey, baby.
- [Frankie] What's happening?

Hey. What are they doing here?

Nice to see you, too.

[sighs] Hanging out?

Well, I guess I thought...

It'd be you and me? [chuckles]

Don't worry. I'm sure we can
find some alone time later.

Hmm?

Oh, yeah. Sure. Right. Sounds great.

Should we have some actual fun or what?

[sighs]

So much for girls' night.

[laughing]

Hey, and then, if you've
done the thing, you drink.

Uh, what if we don't drink?

Then you can take a
sip of your ginger ale.

Okay. Okay, I'll start.

- Never have I ever had sex.
- Ooh.

[Esme] Ooh!

Okay, Jonah.

Okay. Never have I ever...

hooked up in a pool.

[both chuckle]

- [Jonah grunts]
- [Frankie chuckles]

[Esme] Frankie, your turn.

Uh, never have I ever made
out in a scuzzy roadside motel.

Yeah, that was fun.

[chuckles]

Put that on our to-do list.

Do you wanna get outta here?

Yeah.

[Zig chuckles] Have fun, you two.

[chuckles] Okay. Who's next?

[woman grunting over speakers]
Oh, yeah! Oh, yes!

[scoffs] No wonder women do
ridiculous things to their bodies

if they think that
this is what men want.

- Maybe we should turn it off.
- No!

There is no way that
is comfortable for her.

As usual, it's all
about the guy's pleasure.

Okay.

We weren't even really
gonna watch... this.

Right now doesn't seem like
the best time to be honest.

They made me tell you not to
come because we were gonna...

- Don't do it!
- ...measure our penises.

[laughs]

[chuckling] So... Uh, I mean, go for it.

I... I don't wanna stand in the
way of scientific exploration.

What? No.

Oh, come on. Don't you need
somebody to adjudicate? [chuckles]

[chuckles nervously]

- [Zig] Turning into...
- [all laughing]

Never... [chuckles]

Never have I ever wanted to hook
up with the person on my right.

[gasps]

- [chuckles]
- [Zig] Mmm.

- Come on. Look at us. Tiny, come on!
- I always thought you guys

- would make a cute couple. [chuckles]
- [laughs]

All right. Shay.

Um, never have I ever fooled around
with someone I wasn't in love with.

Oh, yeah, right.

- What about that time with that girl...
- Hey!

Oh! Oh, sorry.

Not in front of the
girlfriend. [chuckles]

- Don't listen to him.
- No, what's that about?

Oh. Things are gonna get interesting.

- Uh... Lola.
- [Lola] Okay.

Um...

Never have I ever ditched my
best friend for my boyfriend,

who I stole from her anyway.

Drink up, Shay.

'Cause all you wanna do is
talk about your boyfriend,

- so let's talk about him.
- Fine.

Never have I ever dated someone,

even though I knew my
friend liked him first.

For the gazillionth time,
you said it was okay.

Oh, you just don't like it
that you're single and I'm not.

[Lola scoffs] Please, as if.

Okay, maybe we should
just call it quits.

[Esme] Um, let's play a new game.

How about truth or dare?

Tiny, truth or dare?

Uh... dare.

I dare you to spend seven
minutes in heaven with Shay.

Seven minutes alone
with my girl? No problem.

Uh, sorry. I'm claustrophobic.

Okay, then. Lola.

What? No!

Whoa. Um, I don't think
that's a good idea.

You don't trust your man, Shay?

[Zig grunts] You got yourself
a jealous one there, Tiny.

- Hey, guys. Lay off.
- No, you know what?

Go ahead.

- It's no big deal, right?
- [scoffs] Right.

Okay. Um...

Here's what we're gonna do.

Everybody is gonna take
a picture of themselves

while holding a ruler.

Then you're gonna send them to
me and I'll declare a winner.

Don't worry. I'm not
gonna screen cap them.

So you're going to look at
pictures of my friends' junk?

Don't be such a prude.
Where can I find a ruler?

Downstairs in the study.

Dude! She hasn't even seen my...

[stutters] whatever in real life yet.

You're the one who told her
what we were going to do.

That's only because you made
us seem like a bunch of pervs

by saying we were gonna watch p*rn.

And the truth was better how?

[Baaz] You think you're
so much better than me.

With your hair and your girlfriend.

- You're not even allowed to date.
- You have no idea how lucky you are.

Lucky? Seriously?

You have all this money, and a girlfriend,
and you take it all for granted.

All right, who's first?

[Esme] Only three and a
half minutes to go, Shay.

[sighs]

Hang in there. It's almost over.

I'm fine. Thanks, though.

You wouldn't have to worry if
you were meeting Tiny's needs.

What? It's no secret she's uptight.

She's barely even touched her drink.

Okay, maybe ease off a little bit.

She thinks she's so much better than me

just because she won't let
her boyfriend touch her.

We both get straight A's, you
know. I just like having more fun.

Right, 'cause it's so
much fun being easy.

- Whoa, girl-on-girl crime.
- [Shay] No, I'm just...

I don't understand why everyone
is so obsessed with sex.

Well, maybe you should run along
and leave the grown-ups alone.

Fine. Tired of these
stupid games, anyway.

Whoa, what are you doing?

[chuckles] I thought
we could... you know...

[grunts] Frankie...

My mom's not gonna be
back until tomorrow.

Yeah, that's not the issue.

You've had sex with other girls.

Yeah. But that doesn't
mean it's right for us.

Straight edge doesn't mean
celibate. I googled it.

It's not because I'm straight edge.

Is it because of Grace?

[softly] Oh, my God.

You guys have been spending
a lot of time together.

Grace and I are just friends.

I promise.

So it's just that you
don't want to do it with me.

No. No, Frankie,

back when I was doing
it, I wasn't a good guy.

And I don't wanna rush things
and risk ruining what we have.

Yeah. All right. Message received.

[Jonah sighs]

- Frankie...
- No. I get it.

- No, Frankie, there's a fire!
- Oh, crap!

[fire alarm beeping]

[Miles] Frankie!

[sighs]

You okay?

[Jonah] Okay, um...

I think I should go.

Can we talk later?

I think I need a little space.

[door closes]

- [grunts] That's my foot.
- Sorry.

Hold on.

[Tiny grunts]

- Is there something wrong with me?
- [chuckles] What?

[stammers] I've always thought I
was pretty nice to spend time with.

Well, you are.

Except Shay and Frankie
both invited their boyfriends

just to get out of girls' night.

Quality time is important for couples.

And it's not for friends?

- [sighs] I'm everyone's second choice.
- That's crazy.

You're a great girl.

So great you dumped
me for my best friend?

I am sorry about that.

We used to have so much fun together.

- Especially our snack parties.
- [chuckles]

- Remember the barbecue chip incident?
- [both laughing]

You're ridiculous.

And that's what makes you awesome.

There's got to be, what, at least one
guy out there who'll appreciate that.

You're right.

[chuckles] There is.

[Esme] Time's up, you two.

[Shay] Did you kiss?

- What?
- I would never do that to you.

Guess she'll give you what I won't.

Okay. I'm pretty sure I should
be offended by that, so I am.

Where are you going?

- She was upset. I hugged her.
- I'm sorry if I'm not enough for you.

- What are you talking about?
- You drank!

I was sitting to your right!

[grunts] It's not a crime to want
to hook up with my girlfriend.

So, you do want sex.

You know, I thought you were different.

So you only like me when I'm
the perfect science student?

But this isn't you.

Don't tell me who I am!

Wait!

[sighs]

[muffled screaming]

[crying]

Hey, do you feel better?

- I lit my room on fire.
- [chuckles]

I thought guys were supposed
to want sex all the time.

[grunts] Do we have to talk about this?

Okay, fine. Maybe he has herpes.

[laughs sarcastically]

Or I'm repulsive and he hates me.

Some guys get weird about
the whole virginity thing.

They think that if they're your
first, then you'll get all... clingy.

Hmm, Jonah's not like that.

I don't think.

Well, hey...

there is an upside.

Which is?

- You didn't burn the house down.
- [both chuckle]

[Frankie groans]

No matter what happens here today,

let's promise not to let it get
in the way of our friendship.

Can I talk to you for a second?

[sighs]

You don't have to worry.

- You won by, like, a lot.
- [chuckles]

That's exactly why I'm worried.

Don't tell me you're embarrassed.

But we haven't even...

You know...

Besides, if you tell them I won,

they're just gonna
think you're saying that

because you're my girlfriend.

That's all I am now? Your girlfriend?

- No, no! It's just...
- Before, we used to hang out all the time.

Now that we're dating, I'm...
I'm in some other category.

It's not like I have
a bunch of other people

that I can go hang out with.

I know. It's just...

hard to know when you're my friend
and when you're my girlfriend.

I can be both. I should be both.

Yes, absolutely.

But, still...

You want me to lie about who won?

He could really use this.

He's, like... He's
jealous of me or something.

[stutters] I don't get it, but he is.

I get it. You're awesome.

[inhales sharply]

[sighing] Okay, fine.

I'll do it. But you owe me.

Okay, I have the results.

And... the winner is...

[exhales]

Baaz.

Yes! I knew it!

[chanting] USA! USA! USA! USA!

- We've created a monster.
- [Baaz continues chanting]

What happened to you?

I tried to hook up with Jonah
and instead I lit my room on fire.

You?

I slut-shamed Esme,

and then drove my boyfriend
into a closet with another girl.

Turns out you're right. All
boys are obsessed with sex.

Not Jonah.

I'm sorry you almost d*ed, but
I'm kind of glad you didn't do it.

I didn't want to be the
only one not having sex.

[scoffs]

- [grunts] Guys are the worst.
- Seriously.

- Mmm.
- [both chuckle]

"I'll be here for you. But
you need to be there for him."

Is this the first time
they meet in the play?

Yeah. What do you think?

It's good, but...

[sighs] Never mind.

- It's stupid.
- No, tell me.

Well, maybe Hope should
be a voice at first.

Or else people won't get that
she's... more than a person. You know?

Yeah. That's... that's perfect.

- Really?
- [chuckles] Yeah.

That's actually what it needs.

Thanks for ditching
girls' night to help.

Well, I'm pretty sure I got ditched.

But... you're welcome.

Hey, do you want to play Hope?

I've been having a really
hard time casting the part...

but I think you'd be perfect for it.

You're really awesome, Lola.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Why is that?

Because I like you.

And I tried not to, but I do.

And I'm worried if we spend
too much time together...

we might do something that
will get us both in trouble.

Like what?

Are you sure you want this?

Are you thinking about Tristan?

Was that a weird thing to say?

Very.

- Thought you might be feeling...
- Guilty?

Yeah.

So...

do you?

Yeah.

But I also feel good.

I never thought my first
time would be with someone

whose boyfriend's in a coma.

Or with someone who has a boyfriend.

Oh, don't worry. I'm cool
with the bisexual thing.

No... it's not that.

That was your first time?

Yeah, but it's no big deal.

- You say that, but...
- And I mean it.

Okay. I'm not gonna get all clingy just
because you took my precious flower.

Okay... because we... we can't...

Date? I know.

Let's just enjoy... whatever this is.

Okay?

Yeah, I'd like that.

[Lola chuckles]

- Where were you all night?
- Um, I fell asleep in the guest room.

Look, I'm sorry I freaked out.

I was just being crazy and insecure.

I'm sorry, too.

I shouldn't have gone
into that closet with Tiny.

And we never did it when we were
together, in case you thought we did.

But you drank.

Was it someone else?

No... [sighs]

I guess I thought that if
you thought that we did it,

then I could feel like my
relationship with him was important.

- [chuckles]
- Don't laugh.

[Shay] No, it's just...

I mean, I've been worried
about living up to you.

But if you didn't, that's great.
That means none of us are doing it.

Only you would find that exciting, Shay.

You know what, it is
probably for the best anyway.

Sex just complicates things.

Only if you let it.

So girls' night wasn't a total bust.

Yeah. How about post-pancake pedicures?

- Sound good, Lo?
- Uh, yeah. Totally.

[upbeat music playing]