06x01 - Dance Like Nobody's Watching

[bunniefuu]

Jason, I really like your look.

You had it poppin' tonight.

I totally disagree.

Because I love your look.

You're a star.

Believe in your dreams.

Thank you. Jason, have you ever put out a cigar on Gilbert Gottfried's neck?

Because I have, and his screams were the worst thing I'd ever heard.

Until tonight.

Congratulations, you're a disgrace.

Ah! I rolled my ankle. God!

Also, Jason, if you think you're passing for straight, you're embarrassing yourself.

17 million people watched that show last night.

Not me. I've got better things to do than watch Jenna humiliate children.

So you don't care that Shayla made it to the next round?

How? She is so pitchy. What can I tell you?

The audience just loves Shayla's personal story.

Did you know that both her mothers are serial K*llers?

That's America.

So, did you miss me over the break?

Of course. A little less than my kidnapped wife, but I did get a nice Christmas card from Avery and Kim Jong-Un.

At least I had some quality time with Liddy.

She's like a little human tumbler of scotch.

You turning soft on me, Donaghy?

If you want, I can recommend a good gynecologist.

You know, 'cause I really like my guy.

He's sort of a doogie howser type.

But younger.

Aren't you going to ask me how my...

No. I know exactly how your holidays were.

You took the train to your parents' house.

On Christmas Eve, you forgot that eggnog has alcohol in it, and got into a shoving match with your aunt about who puts the star on top of the tree.

It was my year!

and got your dad a book on world w*r ii that he already owned.

Wow, you really think you know everything about me, don't you?

Yes, after six years I really do.

Well, I will have you know that there are aspects of my life about which you know nothing.

Take off that jacket.

If you're not wearing one of those Christmas sweaters out of guilt, I'll give you $1,000.

Wrong, Jack. 'Cause they weren't sweaters.

They were Dickies!

Happy 2012!

Good morning, Mr. Rossitano.

I'm sorry you're going to hell.

That's okay. How was your break?

Wonderful.

Reverend Gary did the math, and guess what?

The world is ending tomorrow!

And you're happy about that?

Oh, of course. I get to go to heaven and receive my reward!

72 virgin margaritas, hold the salt.

Oh, I'm sorry I won't be seeing you in heaven, Mr. Spurlock.

But on the bright side, black hell does have a jukebox.

So you think this is your last day on Earth.

Well, I'll leave the thinking to other religions.

Well, you must have things you want to do before you die.

Is the sky blue?

Until tomorrow, when it will be on fire.

Then you should go and do them.

I came across the following quote on the side of a tampon box this Christmas.

"Work like you don't need the money.

"Love like you've never been hurt.

"Dance like nobody's watching.

Enjoy these satchel Paige brand tampons."

You know what miss Lemon? I will do that.

Thank you.

You're just giving him the day off?

That's awfully nice.

I'm a nice person.

Because I'm a happy person.

My happiness makes me nice.

Also, maybe I'm in a good mood because I'm not being weighed down by redundant torso fabric.

What does that mean? Wouldn't you like to know?

Amazing news, Liz.

I made the People magazine crossword.

One across, five letters, "Jenna Maroney's first name".

Wow! Congratulations.

Because of America's kidz got singing, I am blowing up.

When you Google "Jenna Maroney" now, I come up first.

Not the Jenna Maroney who electrocuted all those horses.

Jenna, that was you.

Anyway, I'll be back for rehearsal after I tape the show.

Talent walking!

This has nothing to do with Jenna's success that I'm jealous of, but if that yellow-haired bag of teeth keeps me waiting for rehearsal, I will set my dressing room on fire.

Okay, first of all, Tracy, you know you're the real star.

Huh. You know what?

I'm not doing this.

But I'm acting out. Right.

And I know it'll all blow over eventually, and so I'm just going to skip the exhausting middle part.

But you're supposed to control me.

You're Liz Lemon. That's what you do!

You're a 42-year-old man.

No, I'm not.

I took a real age test. It said I'm dead.

Hey, I was just going to call you.

You wanna watch today's Kidz taping?

We're kicking off "Public domain week".

This week, America's kids sing really old songs that everyone knows and NBC doesn't have to pay for.

It's brilliant. Wow, more money.

This thing's a real cash cow.

Unlike cash cow, the failed NBC spin-off of cash cab.

You try riding a cow through midtown Manhattan, Lemon.

The animal will panic.

Right. Anyway, I was just going to call you because I'm wondering why I received an email confirming my membership in a dating service called desperationships.com.

Because after 6 years, I know you're depressed after spending the holidays alone.

I'm not depressed, Jack.

And I don't need some dumb dating website.

What if I told you your first match b*rned his groin off in an accident at his cake shop.

No. Not interested. Five minutes.

Show's getting started. I'd better get in there.

I'll see you soon.

Five minutes to tape, everyone.

Die, you blonde bitch!

Thank you.

Is that your daughter? She's adorable.

Thanks. She's my angel.

Her name's Liddy.

Oh. Ha. That's odd, because my daughter's name...

I'm going to interrupt you right there, Liddy.

Terrible song selection. You were sharp.

And I'm about to get raw with you.

You're weird looking, Liddy.

Even if you could sing, with that face it would be like eating a steak that just came out of a dumpster.

I've done that. Here's my advice, Liddy.

Go work on your presentation.

Take voice lessons. Then seal yourself in a barrel, and fall off of the waterfall.

You leave Liddy alone!

I need it quiet to record my catchphrase.

Sebastian, I'm going to give you a few options.

Love it, Jenna! Go. Is this your show?

Liddy, go jump back up your mother.

Liddy, go jump back up your mother.

Go jump back up your mother, Liddy.

Yeah, I like the third one for me, and her crying on the second one.

I love it. Brilliant, Jenna.

Hello, Mr. Hornberger.

Kenneth, what are you doing?

Sir, this chiquita banana sticker had been stuck to that ceiling for years.

So I finally scraped it off.

No, listen. You can do whatever you want today.

I know! Isn't it great?

I'm finally doing my dream chores.

Give me that.

"Scrape sticker off ceiling, "fix that humming noise only I can hear, organize snack table by food jewishness..."

Kenneth, this stuff isn't even your job.

That's why they're dream chores.

Look, if it was my last day on Earth I wouldn't be here, I'd be with Paula, admitting I'm in love with her twin sister.

Kenneth, we were just out on the Plaza, and four flaming horses rode by.

Reverend Gary says super-gay horses are one of the signs of the apocalypse.

Exactly! The end is nigh.

You should raise your hopes up even higher than they are now.

I will. I did!

We have a problem, Liz Lemon.

I just remembered, I started a camp for underprivileged kids last summer.

We have to drive upstate to see if any of them are still alive.

That sounds like a Tracy problem, Tracy.

Okay, how about this? I'm changing my name.

From now on everyone has to address me as

"the gentleman formerly known as rectum."

Pay attention to me, L.L, or else I'm going to do something self-destructive.

I just got an honorary sheriff's badge, and I'm going to start making real arrests.

Great. I just realized, I haven't paid taxes in 30 years.

Oh, we're not doing the pre-tape tonight because I'm leaving at 6:00.

What's going on with you? Why are you acting so weird?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're not doing your job.

You're laughing at rectum jokes, you're leaving early. Did we switch brains?

Why am I not feeling your boobs?

Baah! What is happening!?

Jenna.

We need to talk about Kidz.

Did you see last night's ratings?

The only show I've ever been on that got a 10.2 was when Mickey Rourke threw me onto the field during the super bowl.

Obviously I'm thrilled about the show's success, but I wanted to talk to you about your...onscreen persona.

I had an idea... B.B. g*n.

Actually, I think the mean thing may have run its course.

What if you went the other way, and you were nice to the kids?

Well, no.

I mean, being the nice one is McEnroe’s thing.

Ah, yes, well, we've done some focus testing, and frankly I haven't seen such a unanimously negative response since the Frasier spin-off, hey, Roz.

Jenna, they hate you.

No, Jack. They love to hate me.

Kidz is minting money for both of us.

And what's more important than money?

Well, perhaps we could make even more money by pretending to be nice.

I mean, look at Betty White.

End of discussion. Just ease off on the kids.

Look, according to Tracy, people are switching minds around here.

That's obviously what's happened.

So whoever you are, show me Jack's penis.

That's for you.

Damn, I've got to get more of these.

I don't know what this is, but I like it. Ha, finally.

After 6 years, I've cheered up miss Lemon.

That was on your list?

I'm not always in a bad mood. And I happen to be in a really good place right now.

Well, enjoy it while you can, because tomorrow, you're going to women's hell.

Uh, also, FYI, women's hell is the same as aroused dog heaven. Kenneth.

Why are you still here? This is your last day on Earth.

There's so much you haven't done.

Oh, sir, I've done plenty.

Oh, really? Have you ever been in love?

Only while playing tennis.

I'm kidding. I've never played tennis.

Have you ever been in an airplane?

Well, does falling off a bridge in a horse cart count?

Have you ever stood on a beach and watched the sun rise?

Sir, I've never even seen the ocean.

Never? Kenneth, that's insane.

We were all put on this crazy blue marble for a reason...

To love, and live. What is going on with you?

Everyone's talking about how weird you're acting.

What are you on? You know what?

I have seen the ocean on a can of tuna.

Newsflash, Kenneth! Everybody get down!

It's not going to happen. The world's not ending.

Oh, the rapture is happening, sir.

Mr. Rossitano said he saw the snakes making peace with the mice.

You're like a child. He's messing with you.

And you know what?

In the words of my father, "you deserve to be disappointed.

Merry Christmas."

Can I talk to you, Jennifer?

Tracy, how do nice people dress?

Socks on their hands, no belt, roller skates.

Do you think Liz Lemon has been acting weird lately?

She's hiding something from us.

Like what? A present? For me?

Can I return it for cash?

No, this is bigger than that.

Something like a sex-change operation or a secret pregnancy or a radioactive spider bite.

I've got to get her focus back on me, or who knows the dumb stuff I'm going to start doing?

Is that why you're not wearing pants right now?

Yes! I'm actually glad this happened.

You're proving my point.

Look, if you think something's going on with Liz, just follow her.

Steal her mail, go through her trash.

That's what Paul and I do to maintain intimacy when he's having his period.

Thanks J-Mo. Great advice.

Breathtaking.

You're the wind beneath my wings.

Brock...

I...like what you did.

That was good singing.

You don't have a little rat face, you opposite of a turd with eyes.

Why are you messing with perfection, Jack?

You need to remember that reality television is formulaic before you get us canceled.

Because I will not go back to putting hair extensions on dogs.

Easy, d'Fwan.

Yeah, we have a problem, but we're going to get through it, 'cause we're family.

It's not working. You're ruining the show.

You think I don't know that it's not working, Jenna.

Next week Jay-Z was going to do a duet with one of the spinning chairs from the Voice, and the chair just pulled out.

You're off the leash, Jenna.

Did you see what happened here?

We turned an argument into an opportunity to become better friends.

Aw.

I'll see you in heaven, Mr. Jordan.

Ken, I only have room in my brain for one problem, so I'm not really absorbing what you're saying.

I have to go through Liz Lemon's trash before she gets in.

You're at work before miss Lemon?

Now, that's a sign of the apocalypse.

Time to die.

You know what Emma? That was pretty good.

You were trying to get me to commit su1c1de, right?

Liddy, thank you for coming in.

I know you have to read your books with sleepy bear in half an hour, so I'll make this brief.

You're almost one now, and you have to understand the way the world works.

Now, I don't know if you've seen America's kidz got singing, but it's a hit.

Variety called it "Boffo," and they don't throw that word around lightly.

However, there are large portions of the show that feature Jenna insulting children not much older than yourself.

I know what you're thinking...

"Do you really care about the bottom line

"more than the feelings of helpless innocents?

That's cruel." Well, guess what Liddy.

Life is cruel.

Sometimes in business, there's collateral damage.

And if you think I'm going to turn my back on a 10.2/4.2 in the demo just because I feel bad...

Just because those kids had the same scared look on their faces that you had when that dog got too close to your stroller in the park.

And yes, being a parent is like wearing your heart outside your body.

And I don't want you to know that the world is really a scary, disappointing place.

You shouldn't have to know that, not yet.

Oh, God.

I have to cancel the show.

What are you doing, Liddy?

Are you touching my hand because...you're a baby and you're developing your fine motor skills?

Or are you trying to tell me something?

What are you trying to tell me?

Mommy.

Did you say "money"?

Is that your first word... money?

Mommy.

- Yes, money.

Are you telling me that money's more important than doing what's right?

That I should keep on doing the show?

I want mommy.

I want money too!

Oh, thank you, Liddy.

Thank you for convincing me to do the right thing.

Aw.

Hey, think how disappointed I am.

I mean, I'm the...

I'm the one who had to nude-baptize all those teens.

Hey, buddy.

Are you here to make fun of me, sir?

Well go ahead, make fun of the super-handsome guy who believed too much.

I don't want to make fun of you.

I know you're disappointed.

I just wish I had a magic wand to make it all... gah! Ah, Kenneth, it's all real. The beast is here.

Aah! Redire ad abyssum!

Princeps tenebrarum!

Ow! It's me, Lutz.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stop.

Toofer. Frank. Get out here.

You three are in a time-out.

Everybody in the van!

Liz Lemon is a cr*ck whore.

Probably not, but continue.

It's the only explanation.

She's on a ho stroll to pay for her drug habit.

I followed her last night, J.D.

She went down to Penn Station.

And not the fun stationery store up on the Upper East Side.

The skeezy one with trains.

Well, there has to be some other explanation.

Are you sure it was Liz Lemon and not present day Sally Field?

I know it's crazy.

But ever since we got back from Kwanzaa...

She's been acting all weird.

All relaxed and not angry.

Well, it has been two days, and she hasn't once stormed in here carping about how all the destructive hurricanes get female names.

But it can't be dr*gs.

Then how come I found this in her trash?

Oh, Tracy, this is dexoprex.

My mother takes it for joint pain.

Her wrist was starting to bother her from slapping busboys.

So it's not the Bandito Blanco?

A name for cocaine I just made up?

I know Liz Lemon better than she knows herself.

Why would she need joint pain medication?

And why would she be meeting people down by...

Tracy.

What building is right next to Penn Station?

The Manhattan center for penis enlargement?

I know because my friend goes there.

His name is Tracy.

Madison Square Garden.

Did you know that Lemon attended college on a partial jazz dance scholarship?

And do you know what event was held last night at Madison Square Garden?

A cr*ck whore convention?

No. Worse.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the WNBA's most popular dance team, "the Timeless Torches."

Oh, God! So much grapevining!

It's so beautiful.

A mermaid!

Dude, those are diapers.

So that's why you've been so happy and distracted lately.

The joy of movement, exercise, 10% off arena snacks with your torch card.

And who figured the whole thing out?

The man who knows me better than I know myself.

Pull over here, please. This is me.

Ah, going to the movies.

You're going alone, to the 9:10 showing of Garry Marshall's New Year's Eve.

You've waited five weeks to see it, to make sure that you wouldn't contribute to it being the number one movie in America.

You'll say you're seeing it ironically, and yet you'll tear up when Ashton Kutcher kisses Lea Michele. You know me.

I love it when the swarthy girl gets the guy.

A disgusting disappointment.

My name is Bob. I'm 61 years old.

My favorite move is the shoulder shake.

My name is Joyce. I'm 63 years young.

My favorite move is the Dougie.

I'm Liz. I'm 39, for the third time, and my favorite move is sunset arms.

Hi, I'm Lewis. I'm a grandfather from the Dominican Republic, and my favorite move is the lift.

Sorry, Lewis.

Nice try, Liz.

Dance like nobody's watchin'!