04x09 - Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Monk". Aired: July 2002 - December 2009.*
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After the m*rder of his wife, Adrian Monk develops OCD which costs him his job as a prominent homicide detective, but he continues to solve crimes with the help of his assistant and his former boss.
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04x09 - Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa

Post by bunniefuu »

[Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree]

* Rockin' around the Christmas Tree *

* At the Christmas Party Hop

* Mistletoe hung where you can see *

* Every couple tries to stop

* Rocking around the Christmas Tree *

* Let the Christmas spirit ring *

* Later we'll have some pumpkin pie *

* And we'll do some caroling

* You will get a sentimental feeling *

* When you hear voices singing Let's Be Jolly *

* Deck the halls with boughs of holly *

* Rockin' around the Christmas Tree *

* Have a happy holiday

* Everyone dancing merrily in the new old-fashioned way *

[saxophone solo]

*

* You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear *

* Voices singing Let's be Jolly *

* Deck the halls with boughs of holly *

* Rockin' around the Christmas Tree... *

He's not there. I'll take it.

* Everyone dancing merrily in the new old-fashioned way *

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

* It's a jungle out there

* Disorder and confusion everywhere *

* No one seems to care

* Well I do

* Hey who's in charge here?

* It's a jungle out there

* Poison in the very air we breathe *

* You know what's in the water that you drink? *

* Well I do and it's a-ma-zing *

* People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time *

* If you paid attention you'd be worried too *

* You'd better pay attention or this world we love so much *

* Might just k*ll you

* I could be wrong now

* But I don't think so

* 'Cause it's a jungle out there *

* It's a jungle out there *

Terry, hey!

That's not straight.

The left side is too low.

It's good enough.

No, it's not.

Adrian Monk is coming.

Ah, hell.

Okay.

Captain. Yup.

I took a message.

Your wife called.

She said her mother's sick and she won't be able to make it tonight.

Her mother's--

That's too bad.

And these are the duty rosters for next week.

You have to sign them.

Thank you, Alice.

You looking forward to our little party?

Uh, I guess so.

How late do these things usually go?

Last year, Karen and I left at about 2:30 AM.

And Terry, Detective Chasen, was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing Help Me Rhonda in Spanish.

That's a lie!

I don't speak Spanish.

Oh, yes you do!

(Alice) Oh, and uh, this came for you.

Someone dropped it off at the front desk.

"Captain Leland Stottlemeyer."

"Captain Stottlemeyer, "Thank you for your business, Eastwood Auto Supply."

You know what this is, Alice?

This is a bribe.

Somebody is trying to influence public policy.

And I think it might work.

[guitar music playing]

*

Hey.

I was just, ah... tuning it up for you.

That's a nice guitar.

You going to play tonight?

We'll see how it goes.

You know, I could run home and grab my Gibson and we could jam.

I used to have a rock band back in high school.

The Randy Disher Project.

That's a good name. How'd you come up with that?

Well, my name's Randy...Disher and then...Project.

You know, Randy, I don't really jam.

I'm more of an old folkie kind of guy.

That's cool.

That's cool, too. I mean I can just sing harmony.

Ooo, hey. What'd you get?

Oh, this is from the body shop down the street.

Ah, hell, it's port.

I hate port.

I love port.

Ah, you know, I think I'll bring it home for Karen.

What, does she like port?

It's kind of an acquired taste.

I mean, I like port.

A lot of people don't.

Randy, I'm taking it home.

(Natalie) Mr. Monk, it's 8:30!

I'm ready when you are.

How is your side looking?

So far, my side is perfect.

What's wrong?

Is it beautiful?

Is what beautiful?

Snow.

You've never seen snow?

Oh, it's very beautiful.

No two flakes are the same.

Yet, somehow, it's still beautiful.

Mr. Monk, come on!

We've got to go. Where's your present?

Oh, it's in the, uh, hallway.

Sweetie, are you sure you're okay with Mr. Monk being here?

Yeah, it's okay Mom.

That's what Christmas is all about, right?

Helping people.

Yes.

Who's that for?

This one's from Trudy. It's for me.

From Trudy?

Yeah.

After she d*ed, I found it.

Every Christmas I put it under the tree.

You never open it?

Nope.

What's that one?

This is for Captain Stottlemeyer.

I picked his name.

Everybody picked a name out of a hat.

Whoever you got, you're their Secret Santa and you have to buy them a present.

Hm. What'd you get him?

All I can tell you is that he's gonna love it.

It's going to be a great party.

I'm not completely dreading it.

That's the spirit.

Okay, lock up.

Clean up the kitchen.

Don't wait up.

* I'm dreaming of a white Christmas *

* Just like the ones I used to know *

* Where the treetops glisten *

* And children listen

* To hear sleigh bells in the snow *

* Snow

* I'm dreaming of a white Christmas *

Hey!

Hey.

Nice sweater.

Thanks, it's a gift from my Aunt Kay in Boston.

She knitted it herself.

Wow.

Hm-mm. She said it took her months.

I'm her favorite nephew.

I'm sure you are.

I'll be right back, okay?

[mouth full] Hey! Merry Christmas!

You two cousins?

Where'd you get that?

Wal-Mart. Fifteen bucks.

My Aunt Kay probably went to Wal-Mart and saw that sweater and went home and knitted me the same one.

That sweater inspired this one.

You can still see where she tore the tag off.

It's the thought that counts.

Alice.

Hello, Adrian.

Merry Christmas.

I haven't seen you around lately.

I don't go out much during the holidays.

It's so depressing.

Because I'm alone.

I don't have to tell you.

I mean, you're not married, right?

You don't have anyone.

That's true.

It's tough.

Especially for people our age.

[guitar music playing]

* Oh, Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining *

* It is the night of our dear Savior's birth *

* Long lay the world in sin and sorrow pining *

* Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth *

* Thrill of hope the weary world rejoices *

* For yonder breaks...

* A new and glorious morn

* Fall on your knees

* Oh hear the angel voices

* Oh night divine

* Oh night when Christ was born *

* Oh night

* oh ni-i-iiight

* Oh holy night That was great, thank you.

Okay, excuse me, everybody.

It's almost midnight.

So it's time for all you Secret Santas to go get your presents.

Captain.

Hey.

Well, Merry Christmas.

Oh, you got me!

It's a...

It's an air purifier.

For your house.

Are you saying my house smells?

Not your house.

But houses, like yours... sometimes get a... um, odor.. that's, uh, you know. sour.

Or or or or... a very unpleasant kind of stench.

Not yo house.

Thank you.

Thank you, Monk.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you. Merry Christmas to you.

Do you, um, know what eBay is? eBay? No. Good.

Adrian.

I'm your Secret Santa.

Oh, Alice.

Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Oh, it's a funny card. Yes, it is.

You can tell because of the exclamation points.

Well..

What'd you get?

Oh, my God.

Alice...

This I love.

* Jingle bell jingle bell jingle bell rock *

* Jingle bell swing and jingle bells ring *

Are you okay?

The present I bought for Terry.

Do you know what happened to it?

No, what was it?

A little hair trimmer thing.

It was this big.

I wrapped it myself.

Did you check your desk?

Yeah.

Why don't you give him one of these toys from your desk?

No, he's been in this office a million times.

He'll know I recycled it.

Well, what about...

Does he like port?

I think so.

* Jingle bell time

* Is a swell time

* To go riding in a one horse sleigh *

* Giddy-up jingle horse pick up your feet *

* Jingle around the clock

* Mix and mingle in a jinglin' b*at *

* That's the jingle bell rock

[slow instrumental of Silent Night]

*

Terry?

Captain!

Terry! Terry!

Hey! Hey!

Terry.

Hey, call an ambulance!

John! John! Call it in!

What happened?

What'd he say?

It's still preliminary.

What did he say, Randy?

Poison.

Some kind of strychnine. Simple and effective.

Anybody could have made it.

Couldn't he have tasted it?

Port's a pretty heavy drink, isn't it?

It's really strong.

He wouldn't taste it in that.

Captain, they need the body.

Yeah.

This was meant for me.

There but for the grace of God.

This was meant for me.

"The grace of God."

Captain, I'm really so sorry.

He was only 38 years old, right?

Is he married?

No, I think they were separated.

No, they're back together.

I just talked to Jenny.

They got two little girls. Twins.

Just a card came with the bottle.

Yeah.

Nobody saw who delivered it.

It was sitting at the front desk.

Anybody could have dropped it off here.

I'm so sorry.

It was my idea for the gift exchange.

The Secret Santa.

Oh, Alice, you can't blame yourself.

Well, I just woke up John Desilva.

He owns the body shop.

He says they never send gifts or liquor.

He offered to come down and take a poly, but it feels like a dead end.

Whoever sent it knew you did business with them.

That narrows it down, right?

Exclusive parts supplier for the SFPD.

It's on all their ads.

Anybody could have seen it.

Okay, let's get to it.

I've narrowed it down to five possible suspects.

People who may have had a grudge.

Uh, people he arrested.

It was Frank Prager.

Yes sir, Frank's on the list.

He's number one.

Who's Prager?

A year ago Captain sh*t and k*lled a bank robber name Mike Prager.

Frank's his brother.

A few months ago, he tried to settle the score.

He came at me in a parking lot.

He got off five rounds and he missed.

He got away. Disappeared.

And it looks like he missed again.

All right, why don't we each take a name?

Lieutenant, you're wasting your time.

I'm telling you, it's Frank Prager.

All right, how about this?

How about we split up into two teams?

Your team gets Prager.

My team'll take the rest of the list.

Okay, mmm, let's see...

What are you doing?

I'm picking my team.

I'll take uh...

I'll take Monk.

No, I'll take Monk.

Okay, uh, I'll take Natalie.

Oh, I can't.

Julie's waiting for me at home.

Fine.

Um, I'll take, uh...

You'll take Robbins.

Meet us back here at noon.

I'll take Robbins.

Let's go.

Four months ago, it was a Tuesday night, I came out of the bar...

2:00 a.m.

They took my keys, so I'm walking home.

I was alone.

I was pretty toasted.

And that streetlight was on, 'cause I could still see.

And he was waiting.

He was...

There was a big black van here.

He was waiting behind it.

Uh, must have been here all night.

He steps out.

But I'm standing right where you are now.

I knew who it was. He wanted me dead.

I could see it in his eyes.

He's got a Glock 17.

And then he disappeared.

Until last night.

He was only 12 feet away.

The streetlight behind him is not a hard sh*t.

You said he was a veteran, Special Ops?

Yeah.

Maybe he was as toasted as me.

Maybe it was a miracle.

Maybe it was.

And they just left the b*llet holes.

Well, it's probably good for business at this place. It adds to the mystique.

This pattern does not look random.

Two, one, two.

He had a Glock 17.

He could have fired 20 rounds.

He only squeezed off five?

Two, one, two.

Monk, it doesn't matter.

He's given up on g*ns.

The guy's graduated to Strychnine.

It's a different M.O.

He's Special Ops, remember?

Those guys know 100 different ways to k*ll someone.

Look, Prager wants me dead.

I'm the guy that sh*t his brother.

He's married, right? With a daughter.

Yeah. Cute kid, seven years old.

Is he in touch with them?

Well, we staked out the house for a couple of weeks, but he never called or showed his face.

Let's check it out.

Maybe--maybe he's home for Christmas.

Monk, I can't go near the place.

Yeah, the wife filed a complaint against me, said that I had been harassing her.

Why would she say that?

Uh, probably because I've been harassing her.

What?

She's never seen you.

God, how much longer?

Natalie, this is a stakeout.

You never know how long.

That's what makes a stakeout so much fun.

Oh, you wanna play 20 questions?

Sure. Okay.

All right, you can go first.

You have to think of somebody, anybody, living or dead.

Okay, yeah.

Is it Trudy?

Trudy who?

Trudy Monk, your wife! Yes.

Thank you.

That was fun.

So, Mr. Monk, what do you want for Christmas?

A miracle.

Yeah, I could use one of those.

Julie hates it here because it never snows.

She's been praying for this white Christmas.

It hasn't snowed in San Francisco in nine years.

The last time it snowed was the day Trudy d*ed.

Oh, my God, I can't stand it!

Let's just go up there and knock on the door!

And say what?

* Silent night

* Holy night

* All is calm all is bright *

* Round yon virgin mother and child *

It's dripping. It's supposed to drip.

* Holy infant so tender and mild *

* Sleep in

* Sleep in heavenly peace

* Sleep in heavenly peace Ow.

[growling]

Merry Christmas.

We get carolers all the time.

Usually there's a whole group.

Right. Yeah.

We had a group, a big group.

Bob, Paul, Sue. We started with a big crowd.

And, um, we had, um...

But then we lost them somehow.

And then they just dropped out.

Yeah, they just left.

What happened?

Creative differences.

Really weren't comfortable with religious material.

Just wanted to do a whole different thing.

Like a Vegas style.

Just glittery? No.

Not into it.

But we wished them well.

Can I use your bathroom?

Yeah, sure. Come on in.

Are you Dorrie?

How did you know?

Uh, well, your daddy told me.

Do you know my daddy?

In a way.

Yeah, I've been looking for him.

Do you know where he is?

Ssh, it's a secret.

It's a secret?

Okay, I won't tell anybody.

What are you doing?

I wa--um...

I was just...

Are you a cop?

Okay, look, here's the thing.

Honey, go to your room.

I want you out.

Just get out of my house.

Haven't you people done enough to this family?

Hold on, hold on.

Do we have a plan?

No, but I need to talk to the little girl again.

Just for a minute.

She knows something, I'm telling you.

Who are all these people?

I think these folks have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas.

Yeah, which is what?

Which is leaving me alone.

Oh, I love it. I love everything about it.

The crowds, the shopping, the decorations.

The fact that it's horrible doesn't bother you?

Oh, my gosh!

I can't believe he's still here!

Who's here?

Mr. Preston. I used to work here.

Wait a minute, how many jobs have you had?

Oh, it was just after high school.

It was a summer thing.

I worked at the information booth.

But it only lasted for three weeks.

(Monk) What happened?

Oh, Mr. Preston liked me a lot.

A little too much.

Oh, I never had that problem.

Ooh.

Ha ha ha.

I'll be right back. Where are you going?

I'm gonna go find Mr. Preston.

He owes me a favor.

What kind of favor?

Who's waiting to see Santa Claus?

Yay!

Well, you're in luck.

Because guess who just landed?

Straight from the North Pole?

Santa!

[giggling]

[all cheer]

[kids all greet Santa]

Ho ho ho...

Yay!

Whoo!

Shhh.

Okay, everybody, listen up, okay?


We have some new rules here in Santa's Workshop.

Before anybody can sit on Santa's lap, you have to use these magic wipes and wipe your hands.

Yay! Wiping is fun!

And no touching Santa's face.

And try not to breathe on Santa.

Remember, Santa isn't always jolly.

Sometimes Santa's a little bit sad.

Okay? Who's first?

No no no no.

Just stand--stand over there.

Have you been a good boy?

Have you?

Mr. Monk, he's got to sit on your lap.

You're Santa Claus. I don't think so.

He has to sit on your lap.

Here, jump up!

No no no. Yep!

Okay, that's too close!

All right, then, on the knee.

The knee there. A little further.

A little further. Now he's squirming.

Santa doesn't like the squirmers.

I love you, Santa.

What is she doing?

She wants a kiss.

Uh, no.

No, no, sorry, no good. Next, you're done.

[child coughing]

Okay, that's it. You're done.

Wait, but I made a list.

Yeah, good, mail it to me.

Okay, you're done.

All I want for Christmas is a rock polishing kit.

A rock polishing kit?

You're Santa's favorite.

What's your name?

Trudy.

Are you okay?

My wife's name was Trudy.

She was k*lled by a car b*mb.

It was under the passenger seat.

The whole car exploded.

Okay, you're done.

You're done.

Just go.

And what's your name?

Dorrie. Dorrie.

That's a pretty name.

I bet I know what you want for Christmas.

You want your daddy to come home.

And I wanna help you but I have a problem.

I just can't find him.

Do you know where he is?

In a church.

He lives in a church?

With the three ladies out front.

Daddy!

Natalie...

Frank, they're cops!

Monk was right, he's in there.

Three ladies out front, that's all we needed.

Yes, sir.

He's been living in there since September... in a room in the basement.

He's going by the name of Graham Elliot.

Look, I don't give a rat's ass what he calls himself.

Let's go get him. Cover the back.

Tell the sn*pers we're going in on my signal.

Wait wait wait wait.

There's a nun in there.

She won't leave.

A nun? She sounded nice.

I mean, she had a nunny quality.

What does she want, Randy?

She just wants to talk to you.

She's afraid you're gonna rough him up.

Okay, hang on.

Stand down.

No, no, stay put.

Hold your positions. Stand down.

Hold your positions.

Captain Stottlemeyer. Yeah.

I'm Sister Heather.

Hi, Sister.

Uh, you know why I'm here, right?

Yes. He's here.

He's in the sanctuary.

He's very frightened.

You think he tried to m*rder you?

Yes, Ma'am, I do.

You obviously have very strong feelings about this.

Uh, you're God da--

Yes, I do.

I just wanna make sure that Brad isn't mistreated.

Brad's not his name. You're right.

I don't know his real name.

But I know the man.

He's been working in our outreach program.

He's been feeding the hungry and the homeless every night.

When they're too tired to come here, he brings the food to them.

Well, maybe he has a guilty conscience.

Well any conscience at all is a rare thing these days.

What do you want, Captain?

I want justice.

Well, he's afraid that you want something else.

He's afraid you and the other policemen want...

Revenge.

My father once taught me an important lesson.

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.

Your father.

He's your father too.

Okay, look, I promise you that I will not hurt him.

Okay.

Frank there is a clinic next to the church.

They have dr*gs, they have chemicals.

Did you have access to the storage room?

Um, I mean, I didn't have a key or anything.

But it would have been easy enough to break in.

I didn't poison anybody. I'm not a k*ller.

Oh, right, what about our last date in the parking lot four months ago?

I wasn't trying to k*ll you.

You can't be serious.

All right, I thought about it.

When I got there, I couldn't.

I didn't want to become my brother.

At the last minute I decided to send you a message.

(Captain) What message?

Oh, my God.

Captain, the pattern.

It's an M. M for Michael.

Yeah, it was an M.

How could you miss it?

Oh, wha--how was I supposed to know that was the letter M?

This guy's the best detective in the free world.

He didn't know that was an M!

What, you couldn't use a spray can like everybody else?

Oh, for God's sake, a message.

I just wanted you to think about what you did.

Michael was a good kid who got screwed up.

Wait, you think I don't think about your brother?

I think about your brother every damn day of my life.

It was him or me.

And it still eats me up.

I don't need an M on a wall to remember something like that.

No cop does.

Get him out of here.

God, Captain, you gotta read this.

This is from the journal he kept while he was in that church.

He feels terrible about what he did.

Look at this one part.

It made me cry.

He can't see it.

I know, Natalie, he's not the guy, all right?

Okay, moving on.

Lieutenant, you said there were four other suspects who might have had a motive.

Actually, we struck out.

One's deceased, one's in the hospital, and two are back in prison.

Okay, so it wasn't Frank Prager.

It's nobody on your list.

Who sent me that bottle of wine?

And will they try again?

To k*ll you, I mean.

I know what you mean, Lieutenant.

Mom...

What?

No, look, see? It looks good.

You need one too.

Okay.

Okay, this, ha ha, is from Mr. Monk.

You didn't have to get me anything.

But thanks.

Don't tear...

A first aid kit.

This is the hot gift this year.

It's the Cadillac of first aid kits.

I'm talking about 100 feet of gauze.

Five different ointments.

And a tourniquet.

Now, that tourniquet-- Okay, that's great.

We're gonna look at that later because this is from both of us.

Careful, though, it's fragile.

Oh. Oh, no.

Oh.

It's alive.

It's a living thing. Is it gonna die?

Well, not for a long long long time.

But it will die eventually.

It's a friend! A friend who'll die.

It's a little friend to keep you company.

A dying friend. Look.

Look at it. It's just twitching.

It's turning left, then it swims right.

It's zigzagging.

Can't we train it?

Yeah, we can train it... to swim clockwise.

And I'll show you how to feed it.

Oh, oh. Okay, wait wait wait.

Stay there. It's okay.

I'll get it with my new broom.

Just wait.

Captain.

Merry Christmas, Alice.

Can we come in?

So what's going on?

Uh, Monk thinks that he knows who tried to k*ll me during the Christmas party.

I thought it was Frank Prager.

No, it wasn't Prager.

In fact, it wasn't anybody.

Nobody tried to k*ll the captain.

That was a trick to throw us off track.

Terry Chasen was the target.

From the beginning.

(Randy) Alice, we know you and Terry were involved.

We've got phone records, credit cards.

You were together for about six months.

Seven.

Seven months.

Was it because he went back to his wife?

That's why you k*lled him?

Alice, we know how you did it.

The Christmas gift exchange was your idea.

It was easy to make sure that the Captain picked Terry's name.

(Captain) Yeah, I remember.

I was the last one to choose.

And there was one name left.

(Monk) The day of the party, you brought a poison bottle into the office.

You dropped it off at the front desk.

It was addressed to Captain Stottlemeyer.

(Captain) And you know I don't drink port.

(Monk) And at some point, probably during the party, you snuck into the Captain's office and you stole the gift that he had brought in for Terry.

(Natalie) When the Captain couldn't find it, you suggested replacing it with the bottle.

The poison bottle.

(Monk) It was like a magician doing sleight of hand.

You have everybody looking the wrong way.

It was...brilliant.

[oven timer rings]

Excuse me.

Alice.

Alice, where is the poison?

You know, if you threw it away, we'll find traces of it.

You know that.

It's in the basement.

How did you know?

Natalie.

This is the card and the envelope that came with the whisk broom.

Which, by the way, I've been using.

It really is fantastic.

But the card... is a little too big, see?

You had to fold it over.

This card came with the poison bottle.

It's too small.

Alice, you mixed them up.

I mixed them up.

I'm usually so organized.

I couldn't.

I just couldn't live without him.

I got him. Thanks.

I talked to the DA.

She's gonna offer you a deal.

Eight months plus time served on the as*ault.

Think about it.

And you can decide when you get back.

Where am I going?

You are released on your own recognizance for two days.

Now, I am responsible for you, so don't make me regret it.

Go home.

* I want you to know

* May your days may your days *

Aren't you curious?

No, I love not knowing.

Oh, my God...

Julie, sweetie, what is it?

Aaaah!

It's a white Christmas! It's your white Christmas!

Yay.

I'm gonna go get my camera.

Whoo! I'm gonna get my coat!

You okay?

Merry Christmas, Mr. Monk.

* So merry and bright Lord help us *

* I wish all of them honey

* And may all

* Your Christmases be so white *

* I'm dreaming of a white Christmas *

* I'm dreaming dreaming of a white *

* White Christmas

* Baby baby

* Lord I'm dreaming dreaming of a Christmas *
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