06x09 - Mr. Monk Is Up All Night

[bunniefuu]

Oh, no.

Oh, no, Mr. Monk, your sideburns are fine.

They're even. They're fine.

No, they're not even. Now this one's longer.

Mr. Monk, I am looking right at you, and they are even.

He did a perfect job.

You're even Steven.

Knew I should've waited for Sebastian to come back.

I... Feel it.

This side feels heavier.

I'm gonna be walking around like this.

I'm going back.

No, Mr. Monk, you can't. You cannot go back.

He said he would call the police.

No, stop, stop, stop. Just...

Take your tongue and put it on that side of your mouth.

And just balance it out.

All right?

[Chuckles]

It works. Huh?

[Chuckling] [Bags smashing]

Ooh. Oh!

Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

No problem.

Mr. Monk?

That woman...

What about her?

Mr. Monk!

[Tires screeching]

[Horns honking]

Mr. Monk!

Are you okay?

What was that all about?

That woman...

Who was she?

I don't know. I've never seen her before.

Then why were you chasing her?

I don't know.

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ disorder and confusion everywhere ♪

♪ No one seems to care

♪ well, I do

♪ hey, who's in charge here?

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ poison in the very air we breathe ♪

♪ Do you know what's in the water that you drink? ♪

♪ Well, I do, and it's a-ma-zing ♪

♪ People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time ♪

♪ If you paid attention, you'd be worried too ♪

♪ You'd better pay attention or this world we love so much ♪

♪ Might just k*ll you

♪ I could be wrong now

♪ but I don't think so

♪ 'cause it's a jungle out there ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

An hispanic woman?

How old?

40, maybe 45.

And you didn't recognize her?

Never seen her before in my life.

[Chuckling]

Well, Adrian, you know, you can't be sure of that, because nobody could possibly remember all of the people that they...

Okay, I'm sorry. You never saw her before.

But...

Maybe she reminded you of someone from an old case.

Adrian, it had to be something.

You had a visceral reaction to her.

You chased the woman for two blocks.

You all right?

Tired.

I haven't slept.

You haven't slept since when?

Three days.

Three days is Friday, the day that you saw this woman.

I just...

Can't sleep.

When I close my eyes, I... i see her.

All I can see is her face.

[Sighs] It's fascinating.

Yes, isn't it?

Isn't it fascinating?

I'm so glad you're intrigued.

Who is she?!

Why is she haunting me?

I don't know.

Well, think!

I don't know. Were you really thinking?

Yes, I was really thinking, but Adrian, I think maybe you find her attractive, and this could be a very healthy sign.

Maybe.

No, that's not it.

All right, Adrian, you can't go on this way.

You're going to have to get some sleep.

There are mild sedatives...

No. No pills.

There's nothing else I can really say.

Does anyone ever die from insomnia?

Nah.

So I would be the first?

Next we have this set of porcelain figurines.

Can we get a close-up of these?

Aren't they exquisite?

Now, this is a limited edition, so, once their gone, they're gone.

Oh, we have a call!

Hi, what is your name and where are you calling from?

My name is Adrian.

I'm calling from San Francisco.

Hello, Adrian.

Welcome to the shopper's network.

Are you buying these figurines for yourself?

Uh, I wonder if you could do me a favor.

The panda on the end is a little crooked.

If you could just rotate it slightly.

About 15 degrees.

The panda?

Well, if it's that important to you.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Well, Adrian, now that you see them all lined up, would you like to order a set?

Mm, no, I've seen them cheaper all over.

I do have a question about the giraffe though.

Does his head look symmetrical to you?

I mean, look at it.

Brian, who is this guy?

I'm sorry, I can't sleep.

Help me. Okay, well...

Help me. Thank you for calling in, sir.

These lovely figurines each is hand crafted, but there are only a few hundred left.

So... oh! Here's another call.

[Man off-screen whispers] It's the same guy.

Don't answer it.

Next, we have this...

I knew it.

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

Ah, thank god you're awake.

Mr. Monk?

I couldn't sleep either.

Can you get over here?

[Smacks board] Oh!

I can't, I'm sorry, um...

Julie's sick. She's got 101.

Yeah, that's pretty serious.

Be sure you bundle her up before you put her in the car.

Mr. Monk, I'm not coming over.

Is this about the woman that you saw?

I keep thinking about her.

Natalie, I think I'm going crazy.

Mr. Monk, you just need to get out of the house, you know, go someplace.

Take a walk.

A walk.

Yeah, that's what I do when I can't sleep.

A little exercise, some fresh air.

Where would I go?

Oh, it doesn't matter, anywhere.

Just head south.

If I headed north, I could swing by your place.

Mm.

I would head south.

[Phone clicks and dial tone hums]

Hey!

Poindexter! You gonna pay for that paper?

No, no, I was just... no...

Keep your mitts off my bundles, understand?

'Scuse me, do you need a taxi?

No thanks, I'm good.

My god, it's her!

Hello, wait!

Wait! Taxi!

Taxi!

[Whistles] Hey, buddy!

Taxi? Not you.

Stop! Wait!

(Man) See, I told you we couldn't trust this guy.

(Second man) You brought him into this.

Listen, I'm just gonna go.

(Third man) You're both under arrest.

Up against the wall. Now.

See, I told you we couldn't trust this guy.

You brought him into it.

I'm gonna go. I shouldn't even be here.

You guys are both under arrest. Up against the wall. Now.

Oh, no. I don't believe it.

Hold on, let me see that badge.

What are you doing? He's a cop!

Just do what he says. He's not a cop, man.

He's just trying to rip us off.

[g*n fires]

[g*n f*ring]

We gotta get outta here!

Hey! Are you listening to me?

I didn't do anything.

I just wanted to buy a little coke for the weekend.

Yeah, try telling that to the judge.

We just k*lled a cop!

Come on!

Don't talk to me.

How you doing?

We gotta do this again.

You understand. Excuse me.

It's allergies, it's not contagious.

Okay, you came out to take a walk around 1:00 am.

And you saw the woman.

This is the woman you've been looking for.

Who is she?

I don't know. You don't know.

So this mystery woman drives a cab.

You chased the cab. Who can blame ya?

You run down this alley, you try to cut her off, and you hear voices.

They're coming from that restaurant, so you look through the window. Yeah.

There were three men.

Some kind of drug deal gone wrong.

There was a guy in a suit, a dealer, and an undercover cop.

Are you sure he was a cop?

He flashed a badge.

There was a fight.

The dealer sh*t the cop.

You saw the dealer sh**t the cop.

Yeah.

And then the suit and the dealer run out back, they jump into a blue buick, and they drive away.

And no license?

No, it was too dark.

You ran three blocks, found a phone booth, and called it in.

So who was he, the dead cop?

Monk, you gotta come with us.

(Stottlemeyer) Anything?

(Man) No b*ll*ts, no blood.

Did you check the walls?

If it happened, it didn't happen here.

If it happened?

Wh... what does that mean?

It means there's no body, monk.

No signs of a struggle, no blood.

The kitchen's clean.

I wouldn't give it four stars, but nobody has been sh*t to death here in the last half hour.

But the... the dead cop!

Every officer in this city's been accounted for.

Nobody's missing.

You got a tissue? [Sniffing]

Never mind, I got one.

This is zena Davis, she's a waitress here.

She's been here all night.

So you must've seen it or at least heard it.

No, sir, I'm sorry.

I don't know what it is that you think you saw, but I've been here cleaning.

We have an inspection next week, and the manager wants it all spick-and-span.

There were sh*ts. There were...

Right, there were four g*nshots.

Right...

Is he okay?

Wait a minute! Okay.

Okay.

No b*ll*ts, huh?

What do you call this?

(Stottlemeyer) I call that a money clip.

Oh, thanks a lot. Been looking for that.

J.p.?

Jeremy Peters.

He's one of our cooks.

[Sighs]

Are you guys gonna be here much longer?

No, no... thank you very much for your time, miss Davis, and good luck with that inspection.

Monk, let's go.

Come on, come on.

[Blows out]

Leland, I know what I saw.

Monk, I talked to Natalie.

She said you haven't been sleeping.

I heard you on the shopper's network.

I was flipping channels looking for sports.

Look, when I go 36 hours without sleep, I get punchy, I start seeing things.

They have a name for that. It's, um...

Waking dreams. Waking dreams.

Yeah. How long you been up?

Three days.

Boy, I'm surprised you're still standing.

Look... listen, this is what you're gonna do.

Listen to Dr. Stottlemeyer.

Who's Dr. Stottlemeyer?

I'm Dr. Stottlemeyer.

You're gonna go to a bar...

Down on Pearl street.

It's near the bridge.

It's called pastor's tavern.

You're gonna order one sh*t.

A single malt scotch.

I don't drink. You're drinking tonight.

Now, listen...

There's a big fish t*nk behind the bar with one little fish.

You're gonna watch that little fishy swim round and round...

You're gonna watch the bubbles go up.

And you're gonna drink your scotch.

And then you're gonna go home, and you're gonna go to sleep.

You think it'll work?

Works for me every time without fail.

I don't know.

Well, I do.

Sweet dreams, monk. Call me when you wake up.

Hey, hey.

Pearl street.

Good night. Yep.

One sh*t. Single malt.

Want that neat?

Yes, neat, please. Very neat.

You know what "neat" means?

No.

[Sniffing] Bourbon!

[Laughing]

Mother's milk.

Drink of kings.

Bourbon makes a man feel the way he oughta feel without bourbon.

You guys like to gamble?

Hmm? Little bit?

Well, I got a buck right here...

Says I can drink this bourbon without even touching the glass.

[Scoffs]

Without even touching the glass?

Mm-hmm.

Heh. All right, you're on.

[Clears throat]

[Sips air]

[Sighs]

[Sniffs]

Hey.

All right, you touched the glass.

So I did.

I lose.

You're the big winner.

Here's your dollar.

That'll be $8.00.

Goldfish.

You know they have absolutely no memory?

Every time that little fella takes a lap around that t*nk, it's like he's seeing it for the first time.

Bet you wish you were in there with him.

You could cheat him out of all of his money, he'd never catch on.

Oh, buddy, I'm in there with him.

[Chuckles]

You're a con man.

Hey, it's 2:00 in the morning in the big city.

Everyone you meet at this hour is on the grift, right?

Big con, little con, everybody's playing the angles.

Yeah.

Not thirsty?

Not much of a drinker.

Yeah, me neither.

I just can't think of a better way to get all this alcohol into my body.

Barkeep, can I have a g&t, please?

Name's gulliver. Oh.

"Gully" to my friends.

Adrian.

So that's what you do?

You just go around cheating kids out of their allowance?

Hey...

Cheapest lesson that kid'll ever learn.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna pull any of that stuff with you.

No, you're an adult.

You've been around, I can tell.

Well, that's right.

You've seen things.

That's right.

Yep, you probably don't even bet or gamble.

You're straight edge.

[Coughs]

That's... that's right.

If you were ever to bet, it would have to be a sure thing.

That's right. For instance, if I were to say, "hey, let's you and me play a little poker," you'd say, "no way."

Yeah, that's right.

But on the other hand, if I were to say, "I bet I know where you got your shoes," now, that might give you pause.

Now, that's a bet you just might take.

You don't know me. Right?

We've never seen each other before.

There's no way I know where you got your shoes.

Exactly.

No.

How much?

What?

I'll bet you 50 bucks I can tell where you got your shoes.

Where I got these shoes?

Mm-hmm.

These shoes? Yeah.

The ones I'm wearing? Mm-hmm.

[Scoffs]

Okay. You're on.

[Sighs deeply]

You got those shoes...

On your feet.

Trudy monk? Yeah.

She was beautiful.

Yes, she was.

Beauty isn't everything, but it's sure nice to look at.

[Chuckles] You're really very deep.

I just sound deep.

Deep down, I'm very shallow.

She was an organ donor.

Yeah. She was an angel.

What are you doing out here so late, huh?

You're a sunflower, you're a delicate thing.

You should be home in bed.

Yeah, I can't sleep.

Why, because of this other woman? This taxi driver?

I know it's crazy.

It sounds crazy, it feels crazy.

I understand.

Listen...

You know the train station.

There's a taxi stand at the south street exit.

The dispatcher's name is essie.

She knows every hack in the city.

Essie.

Essie.

Okay. I'm gonna do it.

I got nothing to lose.

All right, remember the hour.

Can't trust anyone out there.

Where's your wallet?

Back pocket. Oh, ho, ho.

Bad idea. Give it to me.

Give it to me. Look. Here.

This fifty. This is yours.

Oh, no... no, shh, shh.

You got an inside pocket?

Yeah, right here.

All right, that's where you keep this.

All right, nice and close to you. Can you feel it?

Yeah, okay.

Gully, I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.

Just go find your mystery woman, go home, get some sleep.

Okay. Hmm?

Hmm?

You... you're a good man.

Don't bet on it.

(Woman) She's not hispanic.

She's from Brazil, which makes her latino.

There's a difference. So you know her?

Silver star taxi, number 402.

That's Maria Cordova.

Maria!

Oh, I'm sure you two will be very happy.

Well, do you know where...

She'll be back at 4:30 for the first commuter express.

You can wait in there.

Just wanna say... yeah, yeah, yeah, you're welcome.

[Snoring]

It can't be.

He was sh*t. I saw him.

He's a dead man.

Monk...

There's something you never knew about me.

I like to sleep.

I like to get into bed and not get out of bed until I wake up.

His name is William Lee, and he's been here all night.

No... he's taking the train in the morning.

To visit his brother in Portland.

Mr. Lee says that he's not an undercover cop, and he's never been to the bay street cafe.

Well... he also says he's never been sh*t four times.

He's lying. About what, monk?

In my experience, a person that's been sh*t four times is pretty forthcoming about it.

Monk, I called it in, he checks out.

I saw you.

Mister, whatever you think you saw, it wasn't me.

Now, can I go?

Yes, sir, absolutely. You can go.

Thank you very much. Sorry to bother you.

"Sorry to bother you"?

Monk, it's late.

All right, we gotta follow this guy.

Follow him where?

Hey, did you go to the tavern like I told you?

Leland, I know. I'm tired.

But I'm telling you, he was the dead guy.

Oh, wait, hey!

He was throwing something away.

What are you wearing?

Your pjs?

Yeah, I was sleeping.

What is that, a picture? Lemme see.

Lemme see.

[Chuckles] Captain America.

It's ironic.

Well, if it's ironic, why are you trying to hide it?

Adds to the irony.

You know what? Just forget about it.

You wouldn't understand. It's a gen x thing.

Oh.

Captain!

Uh, which one?

Look!

Rare coin cases.

Collectors use these. And check this out.

"Jacob posner" "j.P."

J.p., remember?

The money clip from the restaurant... same initials.

Monk, there've gotta be a million guys with these same initials.

Okay, what was he doing with all these coins?

What coins?

You were standing way the hell over there, right?

H-How could you see what he was throwing out?

At least we should check this place out.

How long can that take? Ten minutes, right?

Why not?

Okay, good.

I'm already awake.

Let's go.

Should we take my car or, uh...

Your invisible plane?

That's wonder woman. Oh.

Well, uh, maybe we can borrow it.

Why don't you give her a call?

There it is, your basic coin shop.

That's the guy!

That's the guy. Monk!

No, no, I mean, that's the other guy.

He was there too.

Monk, what are you doing?

[Doorbell ringing]

He lives in the back.

We could talk to him.

Well, I'm sure he'll be here in the morning, monk.

I would... i would really like to go home, and I'm sure Randy would like to get back to Gotham city.

That's Batman. I live in New York.

Uh, he... he does.

Ah, I used to collect coins.

Good for you.

Can somebody please tell me what is going on?

Uh... there may have been a sh**ting earlier, around 1:00 am on Harrison street at the bay city cafe.

Well, I've never been there.

Never even heard of it.

I've been in bed since 10:30.

You live in the back. That's right.

You live alone? That's right.

What does any of this have to do with me?

Captain. What?

Oh, yeah...

Do these belong to you?

Yeah. Well, I mean, they used to.

I sold them. This is a coin shop.

That's what I do.

What's with the, uh...

We'll ask the questions here, Mr. Posner.

You sold a lot of coins.

Yeah, I've had a good year.

Must've sold them recently.

You still have all the little price tags here.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right.

I still have to clean that one out. Heh.

Do you own a g*n, Mr. Posner?

In this neighborhood? You bet I do.

Could I see it?

Yeah.

[Stottlemeyer whistling]

Oh, .22.

[Sniffs] Nope.

You wanna see the permit?

Yes. That won't be nec...

[sneezes] Ah.

You got a tissue?

Something?

1965 dime.

Hey, is this worth anything?

[Groans]

What did you mean before when you said that there may have been a sh**ting?

(Stottlemeyer) Uh, well, we have an eye witness who's usually very reliable when he gets enough sleep, who says that, uh, he saw an undercover cop get sh*t.

Cop?

Do I need a lawyer?

You sure do. No.

I'm sure it was probably just a misunderstanding.

In fact, we just left the victim at the train station.

He was alive and well, waiting for a train to port...

He's alive? Yeah.

I don't understand.

You know, to tell you the truth, I don't understand either.

Sorry to have bothered you. Thank you for your time.

We'll be leaving now.

Mr. Posner... we will be leaving now.

[Stottlemeyer sighs]

Oh, hey, the dime. What do you think?

It might be worth a million dollars.

Really?

If you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket.

Monk, I am begging you, by all that's holy, it's 4:30 in the morning.

4:30! I've gotta get back to the train station!

Where's he going?

I don't know...

And I don't care.

Essie, hey! Excuse me, essie!

You just missed her.

There she goes.

Wait!

Maria!

Good morning, Mickey.

Morning. I'll have the usual.

And, uh, one for my grandson here.

He's celebrating. He just made captain.

Move over.

Scotch? Yep.

Single malt. One sh*t.

We drink this down, watch the fish swim around, and we go home and go to sleep.

Mickey, I got this one.

Do I know you?

You do now.

Whatever they want, keep 'em coming.

Yes, sir, Mr. Monk.

[Chuckles] Mr. Monk?

We got a friend named monk.

Yes, we do.

What are the odds of that?

You guys like to gamble?

[Snoring]

Oh, my god!

Shouldn't somebody call the cops?

Not me.

They'd never believe it.

I'm in stairwell 4. There's been a sh**ting.

I need a crime scene unit and some paramedics.

What are you doing?

Trust me.

This guy's been doing this all night.

Hello! Rise and shine.

Come on, Mr. Lee, show's over.

Sir, please don't do that. Just step back, okay?

He's not dead. He can't be.

Come on.

Sir!

Please, sir, don't do that.

He's acting. Hey!

Hume cronyn, that's a wrap.

Mister, I'm not gonna ask you again.

Now, believe me, he's dead.

He's been sh*t at least three times.

Looks like a .22 caliber.

.22 caliber.

Tap it twice.

And...

Is that your card?

[Chuckling] How'd you do that?

It's magic, baby.

Okay, double or nothing.

I'm gonna shuffle them this time.

[Cell phone ringing] Really shuffle 'em.

[Ringing]

Hello?

(Monk) Leland, it's me.

I know what's going on, I figured it out.

Monk, I told you...

Go home, go to bed, that's an order.

No, no, we have to get back to that restaurant.

He's gonna k*ll them all if he hasn't already.

Who? Who's gonna k*ll them all?

Posner!

The coin dealer.

Listen, I can't do this anymore.

I am very, very, very, very, very off duty.

I will talk to you in the morning.

[Chuckling]

Whoo. Uno mas.

One more.

Taxi!

Taxi, taxi, it's an emergency.

Uh-huh. You got money?

Of course I have money.

Oh, god...

Hey!

Hey!

Poindexter?

I need a ride. Police emergency.

Are you a cop?

I'm an ex-cop. It's an ex-police emergency.

Where is it?

I don't know, man.

Why don't you look in the cherries?

(Stottlemeyer) These napkins are the same.

Hey, he said he'd never been there.

Who said?

That coin dealer.

We gotta go, Randy. Excuse me, Mr. Monk.

We gotta go.

Ugh. Bye, Mickey.

Just hurry!

It's on Harrison street. Called the bay city cafe.

You mind telling us what's going on?

Gully was right.

It's a different city after dark.

Who's gully?

He's the guy who stole my wallet.

I learned a lot from him.

Here's what happened.

Nothing I saw was real.

It was all a con game.

There were three of them.

Grifters looking for an easy Mark.

And they found one.

A coin dealer named Jacob posner.

Posner thought he was buying dr*gs.

But it was all a show for his benefit.

They wanted posner to think that he was in serious trouble.

They told posner they could cover it up and make it all go away for a price.

Posner thought he was paying them hush money.

He gave them dozens of coins.

Rare coins, they must've been worth a fortune.

He had no idea he'd been conned until later...

When we showed up.

We mentioned that the dead cop was, in fact, alive and well and we just had seen him at the train station.

Posner realized he'd been conned.

He didn't take it very well.

(Delivery man) That's a hell of a story.

I guess I'll be reading all about it tomorrow night.

Here we are.

Can you go around back?

Hey, relax, man. You'll get your coins.

You're damn right I will. Just keep walking.

Nice sh*t.

Going somewhere?

Excuse me!

Somebody owes me $10.

Maria!

Do I know you?

I've been looking for you all night.

For me? Why?

I don't know why.

I mean... I don't know.

"12-14-97"

[sighs]

It was the day my wife d*ed.

That's the day I was reborn.

At least that's how it felt.

I had a disease.

Retinitis pigmentosa.

I was going blind. And then...

And you had a cornea transplant.

From Trudy?

That's right.

Trudy monk.

I have her corneas.

Trudy's eyes.

[Sighs]

I am so sorry.

Hello?

Mr. Monk?

Mr. Monk?

[Quietly] Ohh.

See? Told ya.

A little fresh air.

Works every time.