01x03 - Blind Date

[bunniefuu]

Robot, kick him in the knees.

Bears have weak knees.

He should vibrate, 'cause
the robot's full of radiation.

Yeah, that's it.
Frank?

How many bears
did I say you could have?

One.

And how many
do you see here?

Um, four?

Save a little money
for the rest of us, Frank.

You can't spend a bunch of money
on bear suits

that are only gonna be seen
for like 25 seconds.

Liz, nobody's gonna believe
that a k*ller robot

can get his ass kicked
by one bear.

It doesn't make any sense.

You're trying to bring logic
to the robot-bear sketch?

You can't have four bears!

Well, how many
can I keep?

One!

Sorry, guys.

Sam,
why don't you stay?

Who did my sudoku puzzle?

I have been looking forward
to this puzzle all morning.

Hey, Liz, could you come up
to my office

when you have
a free moment?

I never have a free moment,
Jack... never, ever.

Really punch him,
like karate.

Are you familiar with
the Japanese art of reiki?

No.

It is the laying on of hands
in order to improve one's life.

Hmm. How does you life improve?
Do the hands have money in them?

Human contact is important,
Lemon.

I can tell
from your stress level

that you have not been touched
in any way in quite some time...

not caressed, not massaged,
not even groped on the subway.

Where are you headed
with this?

Your mood affects the quality
of your work,

which, in turn,
affects me.

I would like to become
a resource to you

for improving
your personal life.

Do you agree that you need
someone in your life, Lemon?

No, I have bigger things
to worry about

than my personal life.

I would think that
a single woman's biggest worry

would be choking to death alone
in her apartment.

I have a friend in town
I'd like to set you up with.

No, thank you.

Thomas is very bright,
has a wonderful sense of humor.

I think it's a good match.
Are you free on Thursday?

No,
Thursday is poker night,

and, by the way,
it is completely inappropriate

for you to be questioning me
about my private life

and then trying to set me up
with someone

when you don't even know
anything about me.

Poker night?
Who plays?

Really, that's all you got
out of that?

I enjoy poker.

I'd be interested in seeing
my new employees

under that kind of pressure.

You're not gonna come to
our crappy poker game, are you?

No, I'm not.
Good.

I bluffed.
Yes, I am coming.

3 can't go here.
3 can't go here.

Can't go here.

It can go here.

And you know what?

Today I feel like making
someone a millionaire.

I have three pieces of advice
for any of you playing tonight.

Okay?
Number one... go with your gut.

You're gonna need great timing,
and finally...

Fine, I'll meet your friend.

So, who is this Thomas guy?

Oh, I don't know.
He's one of Jack's friends.

Oh, my God, isn't Jack friends
with Tom DeLay?

Am I going on a date
with Tom DeLay?

Oh, why did I say
I would do this?

I haven't been on a date
since Dennis and I broke up,

and that
was almost a year ago.

It's gonna be
a complete disaster.

It's just one date.

But if it is Tom DeLay
and you do go home with him,

be prepared
for it to get weird.

Josh, you and me,
Thursday night.

I know this guy that runs
an underground bird fight.

Oh, yeah.

I can't do that.
Thursday's poker night here.

Guys, we just need to try
the green-screen stuff

one more time.

Poker night?
I love poker!

I used to play all kinds
of poker with my aunts...

Crazy 7, Albuquerque Freak-Out,
One-Card Stud.

Yeah, I don't think those
are real games.

Whatever.
Get ready to get took.

No, Mom, I can't make it Friday.
I got to work.

Hey, Frank?
Hold on.

Yeah?
What do guys like?

Uh, p*rn.

No, I mean, if you were gonna
go on a date with a woman,

how would you want her
to act?

Like she was in a p*rn.

Hey, Lemon...

you're on for 8:00 for dinner
at Café des Artistes.

Really? Wow.

What?
What are you gonna wear?

This, probably.
I don't have time to go home.

No, that won't do.

I want you to go out
on your lunch hour

and find something...

in a women's
clothing store.

Remind me what's better,

a pair of black aces
or a pair of red aces.

You guys, I'm leaving.

Whoo-hoo!

All right, all right.

Look at that.
Wow.

Hey, look at you!

You look like
a fancy prost*tute.

Okay, I got my chair.

I got my beer.
I got my lucky doughnut.

Oh, is there room
for one more?

Yeah, sure.
Really?
That's fantastic.

Could we just, uh, this.

Ah, yes, yes, yes.

Donaghy, what up?

What up, Tra?

This round, Texas Doozy.

Face cards are wild,
3 is a jinx, 5s are 2s.

Tra, do you mind
if I deal this hand?

Be my guest.
Show me love.

Ladies and gentlemen, the
minimum bet in this game is $25.

Oh, Jack, we usually just play
for quarters.

Well, then you best go home and
put on your daddy's shoes, boy.

This is a man's game.

Okay.

I call.

And I'll see that
with this thing.

I call.

Pair of jacks.

Ace-high.

Three cowboys.

Oh, my God,
my wedding ring.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Now, you should all learn
from Pete's mistake.

My wife's
gonna k*ll me!

You see, in poker, as in
business, the key to success

is to determine
your opponent's strength

and, more importantly,
his weaknesses.

Everyone has a tell...

a weakness of character that
manifests itself physically.

Like, when Lutz here has
a good hand, he stops eating.

When Frank is bluffing, he asks
a series of inane questions

to hide his nervousness.

Oh, really,
is that what you think?

Is that what I do?
Am I doing that right now?

Yeah, I'm out.

Okay, Rain Man,
tell me what I got.

Well, you have two of your cards
backwards, actually.

I'm out.

Hi, Pinot Grigio, please.

Mm-hmm.

This is beyond the pale.

Donaghy took me for $200.

Yeah, well,
I bet my rent money,

and if I don't pay by the 10th,
my mom's gonna throw me out.

I'm all-in.
Anybody else?

Oh, I'll play with you,
Mr. Donaghy.

Kenneth, how long
you been sitting there?

I'm taking Pete's place, 'cause
he's busy in the bathroom,

laying in his own sick.

Oh, my God.

He can't read Kenneth.
He's a blank slate.

Okay, what do you got?

I think I have what they
refer to as a royal flush.

Looks like
I'm the big winner.

Thank you.

Liz?

Hi, I'm Gretchen Thomas,
Jack's friend.

Hey.

Great to meet you.
Hi.

Why would Jack just assume
that we're lesbians?

I am a lesbian.

Mmm, that's awesome.

Is this the first time

somebody's made that assumption
about you?

Lemon, don't let these girls
give you a hard time

about who you are.

You know, you need to brush
your teeth more, young man.

Oh, my, what an adorable
little lesbian.

What? I don't know.

Who remembers
that kind of thing?

Oh, well, look, obviously,
this is a miscommunication.

I'm certainly not interested
in chasing a straight girl.

Of course, yeah.

I completely understand
if you just want to go home.

No, it's fine.
I'll stay.

Jack is ridiculous.

Oh, I worked with Jack
in plastics.

He tends to approach everything
the same way...

locate the problem,
isolate the problem,

set the problem up
with a lesbian.

That's a pretty good joke
for somebody from plastics.

Well, I wasn't always
in plastics.

I used to work
in water-process technologies,

working mainly
in primary metals.

Oh, so you have
a comedy background?

How was your evening
with Thomas?

You mean Gretchen Thomas,

the brilliant
plastics engineer/lesbian?

What made you think
I was gay?

Your shoes.

Well, I'm straight.

Those shoes
are definitely bi-curious.

Regardless, I am straight...
100% completely straight.

Well, I'm sorry
if I offended you.

No, I'm not offended.
Good.

What do you know about Kenneth,
the page?

I don't know.
He's a sweet kid.

Yes, and a surprisingly good
poker player.

Did you know
that his middle name is Ellen?

No, that's weird.

That his Myers-Briggs
psychological testing

shows a rare combination

of extroverted, intuitive,
and aggressive?

Really?
It's the same as mine.

He could be trouble
down the line.

Kenneth?
Kenneth Ellen.

All right, then, you're not
a lesbian... duly noted.

I'll correct that
on your file.

It's too bad, though.
Thomas thought you were great.

She did?

Yes.

She said she thought you looked
like Jennifer Jason Leigh.

Really, she said that?

Yes, I made her repeat it.

I was sure
she meant Jason Lee.

Jenna, set yourself, please,

for "Dancing with the Deity."

Miss Lemon?
Yes?

This is Pete's
wedding ring.

I won it last night, but I don't
think I should keep it.

Could you give it back to him
for me?
Yeah, okay.

Did you win this, too?

I did.

I love how the light catches it
like diamonds.

Kenneth, it is diamonds.

Ah, hi, Mr. Donaghy.

Can I help you
with something?

You are a puzzle,
Kenneth Ellen.

And I'm going to solve you.

Yes, I am.

I can't believe you bet
your wedding ring.
I know.

Weird thing is,
I had money left.

Hey, um, what famous person
would you say I look like?

Uh, present-day
Linda Ronstadt.

No, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Tootsie.

Oh, never mind.

So, how was your date?

It wasn't a good match.

What happened?
Did he notice your facial tic?

No.

Did you wear sandals?
Did he see your toes?

No.
You blew it,
didn't you?

Good job, Liz.
Way to go.

Another one
bites the dust.

Aw, look at
your little face.

It was a lady!

Are you serious?

Oh!

Where is my Emmy?

Deal or no deal?

This is not the time
to leave yet.

I don't feel it's the time
to leave yet.

I'm gonna say no deal.

No deal.

Hello?

Hi, Gretchen.
It's Liz Lemon.

Oh, hi.

Look, this is gonna sound
really weird,

but, um, do you ever worry
about choking to death alone

in your apartment?

Oh, it's so weird
you would say that.

I think about it
all the time.

I mean, you'd die,
and they wouldn't find you

until your neighbor's dog
smelled you from the hallway.

Oh, yes, and they'd show
a picture of you on "NY1."

And it's not just choking.

Ever since I turned 30,

every time I get in or out
of the bathtub,

I think in my head,
"Careful, careful."

Yes! Oh!

Everything's the worst.

Do you want to get
some dinner?

Sure.

I'll see you in 20
at Neptune.
Yeah, okay,

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!
I can't...

I did not die.

Man, this is amazing.

Oh, hey, Jack.

Welcome.
Welcome, everybody.

Damn, Jack, you went all-out.
That's a giant shrimp.

Made out of shrimp and diving
into a bowl of shrimp.

Please, enjoy, Tracy.
Hey, Pete, good to see you.

Jack.
Is Kenneth here?

I... I will check.

I've been playing
for two hours.

I'm tired of losing.

I'm gonna let my boy Dot Com
play a hand for me.

So, hey, Dot Com, are we going
to those three clubs tonight?

You know, the doctor said
I have four hearts in my body?

All right.

Come on.

Damn it.

What the...

Hey, everybody,
this is Gretchen.

Oh, hey.

Thomas.

Jack.

How's everybody up there?
We miss you.

I love this woman.

Let's play some poker.

I call.

What have you got,
Kenneth?

All clovers.
I win.

Very clever boy,
Kenneth,

but the curtain
has been drawn back now,

and I know the real you.

I think he's
confusing me with someone else.

Liz, are you sure
you're not gay?

Because that chick is hot.

We're just friends,
like Oprah and Gayle.

Why is that so hard
for everybody to believe?

She's great.
You should marry that girl.

Yeah, one problem...
I'm not gay.

Oh, Lemon, in the 10 years
that I've known you,

you've had some
really terrible boyfriends.

I have.

There was the guy who was
obsessed with Charlie Chaplin.
Neil.

There was the guy who played
Halo under the name Slut Banger.
Dennis.

There was a tall,
gangly, red-haired guy

who played guitar
all the time.

Conan.

You're more relaxed
with Gretchen

than you were
with any of those guys.

So, what are you saying, Pete,
I should just be a lesbian?

Oh, I'm not saying
it'll be easy.

You know, get drunk first.

Why do guys think women can just
flip a switch like that?

What if I said to you,
"Go be with Frank now"?

Ah, I would be honored.

Frank is a very tender,
beautiful man.

He's awesome.

You can't read his thoughts
'cause he doesn't have any.

I raise you $200.

And I see your $200
and raise you $300.

Will you,

little Kenneth Ellen Parcell
from Stone Mountain, Georgia,

growing up
in your mama's tract house,

dreaming of working
on a TV show,

dreaming of making it
all the way to the NBC?

You're scaring me,
Mr. Donaghy.

You've come a long way,
haven't you, Kenneth Ellen,

with your cheap loafers
and your page jacket?

But you'll always be
a pig farmer's son, boy,

'cause I smell fried bologna
all over you.

I'm all-in.

I'm out of chips,
Mr. Donaghy.

Hey, I got a fun idea.

You put your page jacket
on the table.

And if you win,
you can get it back.

If you lose...
you go on home.

You go on home,
little Kenneth Ellen...

all the way
to Stone Mountain.

Go for it!

He's bluffing!

Do it!

Test yourself.

Don't do it.

I've got a pair of 2s.

Well, let's just
seeby-weeby here.

I've got a 2, a 4,

a 9, a 6,
and a king.

That means I win.

Kenneth, why did you bet
that terrible hand?

Why?

Because I believe that life
is for the living.

I believe in taking risks

and biting off more
than you can chew.

And, also,
people were yelling,

and I got confused
about the rules.

Kenneth?

I wasn't really
going to fire you.

I just wanted to remind you
that I could.

I want you back here
at 6:00 in the morning sharp

so you can sweep up
these shrimp tails.

Yes, sir, Mr. Donaghy.

Uh, I'm gonna have my eye
on you, Kenneth.

You will not be disappointed,
sir.

Well, it was nice of you
to let him keep his job.

The Italians have a saying,
Lemon.

"Keep your friends close
and your enemies closer."

And although
they've never won a w*r

or mass-produced
a decent car,

in this area,
they are correct.

In five years, we'll all
either be working for him...

...or be dead by his hand.

Hey, after IKEA tomorrow,

you want to go see Margaret Cho
at the Beacon?

Oh, boy, uh, Oprah?

Yes, Gayle?

I think we need
to take a break.

Because I wanted to submit us
for "The Amazing Race"?

Because I was 80% joking
about that.

No, it's...

You know, I said I'm not
into chasing straight girls,

and I kind of think that's
what's starting to happen here.

So, unless you're ready
to make a big life change,

I need to move on,
find my Stedman.

I thought I was Oprah
in this metaphor.

Also, you're gay,
so that's a little confusing.

You should say, like,
"my lady Stedman."

Okay, I'm going out
on a limb here.

Okay, sorry, um,
it's just, uh,

if I try to imagine us
being together,

I think, "Yeah, okay,
this could be fun."

You know,
picking out furniture

and making flowerbeds
out of old railroad ties.

But the thing is,

if I'm gonna be with someone,
it has to be a guy.

You sound pretty sure
about that.

What can I say?

I love a bald spot
and a hairy back.

You're alone there.

I should go.

I'll see you around.

Okay, wait, um,
what if we made a pact?

What if we say
that in, like, 25 years,

if neither of us
has someone,

we'll move in together
and be roommates?

And even though I am not
into the sex stuff,

if it helps you,

I would let you
do stuff to me.

I can't be around you
anymore.

Bye, Liz.

That's funny. That's what
the guys always say.

Who's gonna go with me
to cooking class next weekend?

Well, if by "cooking class"
you mean your bed

and by "next weekend"
you mean tonight...

Oh, shut up.

I can see
your wedding ring.

Idiot.