07x09 - Game Over

[bunniefuu]

Liz, I've helped a lot of women who are struggling to conceive.

I know how trying the process can be, because I've been through it myself.

Carol, they're towing your car!

Damn it. My kids are in there.

No! How?

I came all the way up to Westchester just to avoid you.

This is Westchester? I am lost.

Now, fertility sh*ts...

That's a euphemism, right?

No, my husband and I are trying to conceive.

I'm gonna write you a prescription for progesterone injections.

That's a female hormone.

Now, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is no.

If a man takes it, he won't grow breasts, although that would be awesome.

No money for the whorehouse? That's fine.

I'll just look down while hiding my crotch with an oriental fan.

Injections?

"Injections"? Yeah, injections.

Are you Dr. Leo Spaceman? [Sighs]

Come with us to Washington.

You've just been named surgeon general of the United States.

[Chuckles] Hey, that's a series wrap on Leo Spaceman, suckers.

Bye.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

[Knock at door]

Are you doping?

Liz Lemon, that stuff will shrink your testicles, but there are bad side effects as well.

No, Tracy. Not that it's any of your business, but I am starting fertility treatments.

Huh. Now, I'm not a woman, so of course I can say whatever I want.

This seems really weird and unnatural.

"Side effects include mood swings, increased irritability, and swelling of one or more boobs."

Can I help you with something? Yeah.

I'm about to start sh**ting my new Harriet tubman movie, and I got Octavia Spencer to play the lead...

Harriet something.

You know, I once played Frederick douglass in a one-woman show that the university of Maryland diamondback called

"too confusing to be offensive."

Point is, I won't be at rehearsal at all this week. No, Tracy.

Exactly. No Tracy.

Thanks for being so understanding.

[Clicks tongue]

[Sighs]

Good morning, Jack. Oh, Hank.

I was so sorry to hear about your mother.

Thank you, Hank.

I remember my own mother's passing.

She wanted to be cremated, and she ended up dying in a fire.

Such a considerate woman.

Well, on a brighter note, I should wish you a happy birthday.

Oh, no, no. It's not my birthday yet.

And it only counts when it's actually on your birthday.

I have very strict birthday rules.

One... birthday boy always sleeps in the largest tiger cage.

Some of the rules may be specific to my time in Vietnam.

Now, Jack, as you know, the Kabletown board is meeting this Friday.

I promised my wife I'd step aside when I turned 70, but it's very important to me that control of Kabletown stays in the Hooper family.

But my kids are creative types.

Yes, I understand that Hank Jr. is writing a children's book about a giraffe who learns he doesn't have to work hard.

But they say sometimes it skips a generation.

I think you know my granddaughter.

Sir, Kaylie is only 15.

Yeah, but when she gets out of college, she'll be 21.

That's the same age I was when I started Kabletown, got married, and had my first white child.

Hank, please think about your other options.

Jack, you've done an excellent job with NBC.

I admit I was skeptical when I first saw your fall schedule.

"What? Is this guy trying to t*nk the company?"

But, boy, you proved me wrong.

Celebrity h*m* is the number-one show in america.

The word is "racket."

Okay, "racket," like a tennis racket.

Sorry. It's the other one.

Again? You know what, pal?

Why don't you come over here and tell me that?

[Chuckles]

I am grateful.

That's why I came up with a solution that will make everyone happy.

Until Kaylie graduates, you'll be her assistant CEO.

"Assistant"?

CEO.

She'll be on the board, learning the ropes, and you'll keep her chair warm.

It'll work great, just like Conan and Jay.

[Crying] Have you ever updated your flash player?

It is so sad.

What happens to version 11 .4?

Oh, what now? I'm taking hormone sh*ts to have a baby, you son of a bitch!

[Crying] A beautiful little baby.

[Laughing] Being a woman is the worst.

[Sobs]

Lemon, Hank Hooper just told me I will never be CEO of Kabletown, but he doesn't know about my secret w*apon...

My mother's death.

Wait. So we're both crazy? No.

I've spent my life trying to win my mother's approval, but she never gave it to me, which means I can't ever stop trying, even when faced with an impossible task, like making Hank choose me over his own granddaughter.

How much time do you have? Three days.

It's exactly the kind of challenge my mother's anti-love prepared me for.

I'll make you proud of me yet, Colleen!

It'll either be my masterpiece, or I will resign in shame.

[Crying] Just like poor Nixon.

He did good things in China.

Hey.

Octavia, excellent, you're black.

Now, in this scene, you're gonna enter through the door.

Mm. I don't think so.

I'm gonna walk in from over here.

But the door.

Well, you're just gonna have to rewrite the script and explain how my character can go through walls.

Also, I want to wear a t-shirt, promote my website.

But slaves didn't wear t-shirts.

That sounds like a Tracy problem, Tracy.

I'm done for the day.

I got to go home and feed my eels.

They're not electric, but I have a plan.

Mizz, DotGov, let's roll.

Len, I'm in the endgame here with this Kabletown situation.

Do you have anything on Kaylie for me?

Well, Mr. Donaghy, you asked me to pull out all the stops on this, so I went deep undercover, and I applied for a job as a drama teacher at Kaylie's school.

Hi, I'm Ms. Foster, but, please, call me jan.

Boy, Jay-Z and Shakespeare have nothing in common.

Or do they?

Fyi... jan foster is currently in a "lesbian relationship" with Ms. Siegal from the math department.

Okay, I don't know why you had to be a woman.

Let me worry about that.

The point is jan took these pictures this morning outside school.

She thinks you'll be very interested in them.

Banks.

Pedal faster, fatties.

God, I love how much you disgust me.

Class dismissed.

Really, Banks? Spin class?

Isn't that a bit of a gay cliche?

You're the gay one.

Wanting to be with a woman... How gay is that?

You win sex against a man, that's as straight as it gets.

You were good... One of the best.

But look at you now.

Hitching your wagon to a 15-year-old girl?

Look, I understand why Kaylie would seek you out.

No one knows me better.

But you also know that Jack Donaghy always wins.

Or have you forgotten the time we played battleship?

Remember a-8?

You peeked.

Why are you here, Jack?

To propose something, something no one would ever expect...

An alliance.

Think about it.

How much time and energy have we wasted with our sparring and our gravel-voiced double entendres?

An assload.

If we joined forces, we could become the greatest business power duo since Gregory linens teamed up with Thomas N'Things.

And whatever Kaylie's offering, I'll double it.

I'll tell you what Kaylie's offering me...

100 grand to keep my mouth shut.

Keep your mouth shut? What do you mean?

I know certain things, Jack, about Kaylie's father...

Certain super-gay things.

Hank's son is gay?

How gay, Banks, on a scale from bear hunting to hunting bears?

Gay enough that Kaylie's parents have never actually had heterosexual intercourse.

Word is Kaylie's real father is the poole boy.

Do you know him...

Frederick poole's grandson Trevor?

Very handsome, horrible personality...

I'm totally in love with him.

But if Kaylie isn't really Hank's granddaughter...

Then she isn't actually family.

And once she's out of the picture, you're the only choice to take over Kabletown.

And you're gonna take me with you.

But how do we prove Kaylie's not a Hooper?

All we need is DNA.

I've got a ton of her dad's.

So we just need Kaylie's.

[Sighs]

Hi, Bev. It's Liz.

Oh, Liz!

Yeah, definitely, don't give me your last name, because I only deal with one person a year, so I know exactly who you are.

It's Elizabeth Lemon.

I've been on the agency's list for a few years now.

I wanted to see if you got my letter updating my marital status.

Oh, yes. Congratulations.

You've moved from the "well-meaning lesbian" pile to "found a man, comma, living a lie."

That brings your wait time down to only four years.

Four years?

So I'll be 46 by the time I get a baby?

Unless you'd like to adopt an older child.

I can give you a six-year-old yesterday.

Pick a color.

Oh, I just always pictured myself getting a newborn.

And I always pictured myself getting double-teamed by two the rocks.

But sometimes we have to make compromises.

Let me know if you change your mind.

[Phone clicks]

Hmm. [Sighs]

Jack, how old is too old for a woman to have a baby?

19.

Look, I have three options if I still want to start a family.

There's the old-fashioned way, but these hormone treatments are the worst.

And even if they work, at my age, the kid might just come out a ball of fingers.

Steve Forbes was born a ball of fingers.

He had the best surgeons money can buy, but you can still tell.

So option two is adopting a baby, but I have to wait four more years.

I'll be almost 70 when she graduates from college, which just leaves option three... Adopting an older kid, but I don't think I can handle that.

Really? Wouldn't that be easier than taking care of an infant?

No. With a baby, you know what you're getting.

With an older kid, who knows?

For every orphan Annie, there's a 30-year-old Russian dwarf who's just pretending to be a child, according to a movie that I watched part of.

We are both at a crossroads, Lemon.

I have chosen my path. It's time you do the same.

Hello, partner.

What's happening here?

What's happening to your left blob?

It's the hormones. Lemon, thanks to Banks, I have reason to believe that Kaylie is not her father's daughter.

The reason being a week-long party in Stephen sondheim's sex dungeon.

The workmanship down there is exquisite, but it took forever.

Oh, renovations in New York.

The point is, when Hank finds out that Kaylie's not family... oh, my god, are you planning on telling Hank just so you can get a promotion?

Not just a promotion. I'll be CEO.

And I'll be NBC's head of publicity.

You'll never see me again. I'll be on a beach somewhere.

I know this is important to you, but you are off the rails, Jack.

Thanks for the compliment, Lemon.

Train travel's for hoboes.

What you're doing makes no sense.

You're teaming up with Devin?

Hey, listen, I've changed, Lemon.

The only backstabbing I do now is...

Well, you know.

Every time I think we're done with that, we find another one.

You're trying to tear apart a family.

You're in a blood feud with a teenage girl.

All she wants to do is talk about boys and text on her phone and, if she's like me, sit in a closet with a flashlight and memorize airport codes.

Her phone. Lemon, you're a genius.

That's how we get Kaylie's DNA.

Teenage girls can't stop looking at their phones.

It's like me with paintings of cannons.

Yes, her DNA's all over that phone, of course.

But how can we get close enough to steal it?

We need a teenage girl.

Or someone who thinks like one.

Damn it. Why do I keep helping you?

I'll just do anything for approval.

I would have been a n*zi.

Who do we know who's immature and vicious enough to... let's destroy her.

Now, what can I do for you two gentlemen?

Hello, Mr. Director.

So how's the movie going? Terrible.

Octavia won't do anything I tell her to do.

She left early.

She's completely unprofessional.

I don't know, tray.

Sound like she acting like you.

But I'm impossible to deal with.

No one has ever been able to rein in my hilarious antics.

Liz Lemon does it every day and looks great doing it.

Okay. So I should just act like her.

W.W.R.X.W.

What would Liz Lemon do?

Kaylie Hooper.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Jack, pleasure's the name of a pony I hate.

This is business.

So I just happened to bump into Jenna Maroney at lunch this afternoon.

What are the chances?

What did you do to her, Hooper?

Oh, her brain's like silly putty, a toy I am too old for.

[Gasps] Kaylie Hooper.

O.M.G. it's Jenna.

You're wearing that belt as a joke, right?

Of course I am. [Laughing]

Where did you get your belt? You're so cool.

Jack is trying to destroy you and wants me to steal your phone.

Yeah, great plan, Jack.

Kaylie, you look so gorgeous today.

I'm wearing a headband because you are.

Pathetic.

What did you think you were gonna do... blackmail me?

Please, I don't keep anything on my phone anymore.

I use Gadzorp.

What on earth is that?

You're so old and out of touch, Donaghy.

I might as well be looking at Justin Timberlake.

[House music]

♪ ♪ I quit, cows. Tell your husbands I tried.

How'd you get these DNA results back so fast?

I happen to have some very powerful friends at the Maury Povich show.

Kaylie's not Hank's granddaughter.

I knew it.

Would you like to, uh...

Do the honors?

[Chuckling]

Look how far we've come, Jack.

From enemies to partners to who knows.

Come on, let's get a couple of wines in you and just start wrestling.

Mm, yeah, the whole cabin vibe wasn't working for me.

And this movie cannot take place in Maryland because of my ongoing feud with Cal Ripken.

Blargh. I'm Liz Lemon.

I'm in charge! Nerds!

I want to have a baby.

My boyfriend is a pilot or something.

Sandwiches.

Oh. So you want to be the crazy one.

Nuh-uh. I'll show you crazy.

I'm a jedi.

I'm not coming to work tomorrow.

Gentlemen... Actually, Jack, I've decided to continue living as jan foster.

It's just in all these years as a P.I., I think my greatest disguise was Len Wazniak.

Tomorrow the sun rises on a new day for Kabletown, for america, and for all of us.

To victory.

Kaylie, how nice of you to join us.

I know it's past your bedtime.

This party is lame. Let's go, Kaylie.

Devin? What are you doing here?

And miss foster? Hi, honey.

Remember, monologues tomorrow.

It's 20% of your midterm grade.

I don't understand.

Well, let me explain.

Banks is on my side, and Ms. Foster is a private investigator I hired to follow you. - Was a private investigator, is a drama teacher, and, as of last night, engaged to Ms. Siegal.

So I know Hank Jr. Isn't your father.

And now so does, uh...

Your pop-pop.

Game over, Kaylie.

[Laughs]

"Game over, Kaylie."

[Laughs]

This was too easy, Jack.

Banks, what are you doing?

Fyi... Kaylie is my best friend, so I sit next to her at the movies.

Why can't she just sit in the middle?

Oh, Jack...

Sweet, sweet Jack.

You wanted this so badly, you were willing to believe anything...

That Devin would team up with you, that I wouldn't notice miss foster sit on her testicles the other day, that my father is gay.

I am Hank Hooper's granddaughter, Jack.

But what about the DNA, the glass?

Oh, you mean the glass I stole from Jenna's dressing room?

That was Jenna's DNA, Jack.

So Jenna is an ashkenazi Jew with an extra "y" chromosome?

What's that, now? It was so simple.

And when you made your move with Jenna, all I had to do was see straight through it, come back here, and plant that glass.

You got the DNA results you were hoping for and sent them straight to pop-pop.

This is why everyone hates you, Jack.

We were all talking about it before at the mall.

How do you think old Hank Hooper's gonna take that...

You attempting to destroy his family?

There's nothing pop-pop cares more about than family.

Oh, god, what have I done?

Good-bye, Jack.

See you never.

Yeah, Jack. See you never.

Last word.

Yes, I suppose that's one way this could have played out.

But there are other possibilities.

Hypothetically, what if I never trusted Banks at all?

What if I knew len would be the worst mole ever?

I'll tell him you said that.

And what if I knew the DNA gambit was bait and I never sent in those test results at all?

Well, that's impossible.

I mailed them myself. Did you?

Okay.

So you didn't do anything at all.

Well, that's idiotic.

The Kabletown board is meeting tomorrow, and you've done nothing to change pop-pop's mind.

You just wasted a whole week.

Not quite, Kaylie, because I did send something to Hank...

A birthday card.

Oh, my god. No. Oh, yes.

You see, there is one thing Hank cares about as much as family...

Birthdays.

So what did you send him, Kaylie?

I'm not the one who wasted a week.

While I distracted you, you forgot pop-pop's 70th birthday.

[Bell tolling]

Ooh, midnight.

You missed it.

And how do you think old Hank Hooper's gonna take that, Kaylie?

[Clock chiming]

[Chuckles]

Wonderful.

You sent him something, right, Kaylie?

Kaylie?

I lost.

After college, I'm gonna have to go into publishing and...

Marry a finance guy and...

Do charity stuff.

Damn you, Donaghy.

What a loser.

You had me mail that birthday card.

That didn't need to happen.

That was just mean.

What's going on here?

And where did you get that sweater?

Is that from chico's harvest naturals collection?

Octavia Spencer got arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police dog.

I had to shut down my whole movie because of her.

She turned out to be a Tracy Jordan.

So, to deal with her, I tried to be a Liz Lemon.

Yeah, well, being Liz Lemon isn't just about wearing a sweater and...

Hey, those are my glasses.

Oh, and you popped the lenses out?

No, they shattered in a urinal.

L.L., I don't know how you do it.

I couldn't hack it with Octavia for one day.

And you've been getting amazing, thought-provoking work out of me for seven years.

[Farts]

Thanks, tray.

I mean, it hasn't been easy.

When you first came into my life, you were out of control, and you had horrible habits.

Like my booger-eating?

Please, let me just have one.

I need it, baby.

Taking care of you has been exhausting.

You'd fight me and have temper tantrums, and I'd have to stay up all night 'cause you were sick.

Hey, those lego men were on a rescue mission to save the other lego men that I swallowed.

But as problematic as you were, I had no choice but to make it work.

Elizibart, you are an amazing woman.

Seriously, if you can take care of me, you can do anything.

Hey, remember that thing we talked about the other day, about adopting an older kid?

Well, I want to do it.

Bitch, more than one person works here.

Who is this? It's Elizabeth Lemon.

Who?

Action. Every dream begins with a...

Line? Dreamer.

Action. You have within you...

Line?

Strength and... I got it. I got it.

Line?

Yo, Mizz, what's the name of that crazy-ass place we went last night?

Bed bath & beyond.

We went beyond.

And action. Line?

My mouth is full of shrimp. My bad.

I forgot.

Action. If I, Harriet...

I don't like tubman. It sounds like a dude.

Let's change it to tubgirl.

Cut! I think we got it.