07x11 - A Goon's Deed in a Weary World

[bunniefuu]

[Exhales]

[Gasps] You failed us, Liz.

You let the show get cancelled, and we all d*ed. No, I didn't.

It wasn't my fault.

When we talked about this dream, we said we were gonna be cowboys.

All: Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault.

Your fault. Your... Aah!

Wake up. Liz, wake up!

Aaaah!

The twins are coming. What?

Yeah, I just got an email from Bev at the adoption agency.

Guess there's another full-figured Bev at the office there. Oh, my god, flight 124 on January 29th.

That's in five days. It's happening so fast.

We don't even know where they're coming from.

Airbike flight 124 out of Houston's George Bush Airport.

It's not my airport! Let it go, Liz.

Wait, if they're coming from Houston, they won't have winter clothes.

They're gonna need jackets and hats.

How big is an eight-year-old's head?

I'm thinking, like, a bowling ball?

No, bowling ball's too small. It's like a basketball.

A small basketball that you win at the fair.

You're describing a bowling ball.

Okay, kids coming, show to save, DVR at 98%, but I'm just never in the mood to watch treme.

Okay, first things first... I'll watch a bunch of tremes.

I'll go to the sporting goods store and measure balls.

I'm gonna need a cloth tape measure.

To Ikea!

Hey, sorry I'm late, but treme gets good if you stick with it.

So is TGS safe now? Will you uncancel us?

Lemon, I can't start my tenure as CEO by reversing my predecessor's decisions in order to help my weird buddy.

But while I can't help directly, I have, through back-channels... Like B.E.T.?

Backchannels. I have secured you a lifeline.

The Kabletown board has agreed to hear a presentation from you tonight to convince them that TGS is worth more alive than dead.

Perfect. I've sold this show once before you were even here, and I crushed it.

It's a topical sketch-comedy show for a little demographic that's, oh, I don't know, 51 % of the population.

I'll take that nod as a yes.

Lemon, this is not a question of selling your creative vision.

Thanks to Hazel's lawsuit, TGS has cost this company millions of dollars.

Okay, well, we can make cuts.

You'll have to do a lot more than trim the budget, Lemon.

Your show can't cost NBC any money at all.

That's impossible. Impossible?

Would any of your female heroes say that?

Would Amelia earhart or dian fosse or Joan of arc?

Boy, women who try to do things sure get k*lled a lot.

You know what? I can do this.

I've saved the show before, and I ain't afraid of no board!

[A la Ghostbusters theme] ♪ na na na na na na ♪ Lemon, expensive musical cues are exactly the sort of thing you can't afford anymore.

♪ Na na net na net, dorp ♪

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

[Cell phone vibrating]

You've got Lemon. Make lemonade.

Hey, when do you think you're gonna be home?

'Cause we gotta do some power nesting.

Upstairs, I want to paint a mural of Houston for the kids, but I'm terrible at drawing swamp humidity.

I don't know, Criss, late.

I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you.

Sex on the couch? Sex on the couch?

That's a good one, Criss. I'll call you later.

[Laughs] Okay.

Listen up, jagweeds, it's go time!

We are at defcon 5 here.

The lowest level of defense preparedness? Fantastic.

Have you dudes ever been to deafcon, the comic book convention for deaf people?

Man, if you're a dude who can hear, you are just knee-deep in... this is serious. Our show is cancelled!

Now, we all need to pull together, wing to wing, and oar to oar.

Fine, I'll skip to the end.

And that little boy's name was Marshall Mathers.

So who's with me?

Ll, did you save the show yet?

'Cause J-Mo and I have a new problem.

Last night at a party, we urinated into the same fountain during a lightning storm.

And I think we switched brains.

No, I haven't saved the show yet.

I cannot save the show without all of us stepping up.

We get one sh*t at this. Tonight.

We have to do a sample show, so you guys need to start writing.

We have to rally our fans, so you two are doing press all day.

I'm glad the band U2 is doing press all day.

Jenna, quick, run, before Liz Lemon realizes what I did.

Ugh! Do you think this is a joke?

If TGS goes away, you are actors without a show.

And, Hornberger, you and I are gonna slash the budget like we've never slashed it before.

Are you ready?

My whole life has been building to this moment.

Has it really? Oh, god.

Yeah.

You wanted to see me, sir?

No.

I wanted to see... Kenneth the page.

[Gasps] Kenneth the page.

That's a name I haven't heard in a long time.

Some say he's dead, but others hear his name on the wind.

We don't have a lot of time here... what do you say?

I can't say no to these colors.

I bleed Blue and Gray.

Especially where I stepped on that nail.

Excellent. I've got a V.I.P. tour group coming in, and I want my most experienced page to lead it.

Now, who will be on this tour?

I like to cater my presentation to the audience.

For example, if they're Japanese, I'll make sure we accidentally walk in on a blonde woman peeing.

Kenneth, you'll be showing around the five final candidates for my old job at NBC.

Now, they think this just a formality before the final interview, but the tour is the final interview.

It's an old G.E. trick.

You can only truly judge a man who doesn't know he's being judged.

It's like NBC's TV version of Willy Wonka, starring Bob Uecker.

I do admire Wonka. He's a true capitalist.

His factory has zero government regulations, sl*ve labor, and an indoor boat. Wonderful.

During the tour, the candidates will drop their guard and show their true selves without even knowing it.

And then you choose the one who's purest of heart.

What? No. Kenneth, this is broadcast television.

It's a nasty, ruthless business.

No, sir. It's a magical, Ruth-filled business!

It's dying, and its leader needs to be a grave robber who'll strip every last bauble off the corpse.

I'm getting concerned about who we're gonna pick here.

There is no "we", Kenneth. You're giving a tour.

I'm picking the next president of NBC. Understood?

Yes, sir. Of course...

[Quietly] Not.

Well, there are things we can do to make the show cheaper.

Gut the crew, no more taped pieces, fire Danny, scrap all the sets, and sh**t everything on greenscreen.

No. Greenscreen always looks so fake.

Yeah. But to actually break even, we need somebody to sponsor the show.

Ugh, what, then I'll have some executive from Nokia giving me notes? Oh, you wish.

We couldn't get them before the lawsuit.

Right now, our only advertisers are NBC.Com and a German guy who wants to eat somebody.

And even gunter's having doubts.

Okay, so I need to find someone to put their name on the show, and I can't be picky.

Whatever it takes.

I get it. You need a sugar daddy.

So dazzle me.

Why should bro body douche get in TGS's panties?

Well, Broseph... Sup?

I think TGS and bro body douche would be tight.

Totes? Nah mean? No h*m*.

Mos def. So... Jeah?

Look, Betty, I don't know if it is jeah.

TGS, it sounds like a news channel, or an std you know I've got.

We could change it. We're open to anything.

That's what you said look, don't get me wrong. [Cell phone vibrating]

I like Tracy Jordan. Dude's a baller.

I like that you've got a slut on the show, even if she is a little boned out.

And I love the sexual harassment thing.

Noice!

But if you're gonna get in bed with the douche, it's not just gonna be the tip.

This is senior year.

We're go need creative approval, brand mentions.

And the whole tone of the show needs to be more...

Um... have you ever seen the p*rn version of transformers?

Blorch! Look, do we have a deal?

Almost. It'd be weird if my show were created by a woman.

So could your credit be Todd Debeikis?

It's in honor of my frat bro. d*ed during hell week after passing out in the trough.

I went to Syracuse.

Never-knew-my-dad!

[Exhales]

Oh, god.

Liz is wrong, right?

If the show goes away, we'll be fine.

Yeah, I got some stuff on the back burner.

Left unattended long enough, the house burns down...

Insurance money.

I mean, lots of people got more famous after their TV shows have ended. Like George Clooney.

We just need to have our next great roles lined up.

Like how, after E.R., Clooney had dumb, gay Batman.

But parts like dumb, gay Batman come around once in a generation.

If TGS goes away, what are the chances that there'll be two perfect roles, one for each of us?

But we don't need two roles if we play siamese twins!

One is the president. The other's Santa claus.

And they're both in love with the same woman...

Both: Elvira!

Tracy, Jenna. So I hear you're rallying fans to save your show.

Tell me, what's going on with TGS?

Actually, kristy, we'd like to talk about our amazing upcoming project.

It's a movie called heads of state.

Colon... The rise of doctor Ronfulus.

The third floor is also home to NBC news.

Fun news fact.

The today show was originally designed to entertain prison inmates whose iqs were too low for them to be ex*cuted.

What I think is a fun fact is that the today show is NBC's most profitable news program.

12 hours of daily "news funtertainment" with very low overhead.

We pay most of our hosts in white wine.

But I'm wondering, is there a way to make it even more profitable?

More of a party atmosphere.

Food segments where you could order the food.

Show it again later on e!, but have gay guys make fun of it.

I guess, for some people, the today show is about money.

But for me, it's about america starting its day together.

And it's about seeing your friends Matt and Savannha, and your Butler Al.

Oh, I watch the today show.

This morning, out on the Plaza, Al made a classic weather pun.

Both: Janu-where is the snow?

Yes. Pure of heart.

Kenneth... a word.

Was I not clear earlier about your role I this process?

I am sorry, sir, but this is bigger than both of us.

It's NBC. "We comedy."

Kenneth, it's "we peacock comedy."

You say the peacock.

What? That's insane.

I will continue with this tour myself, Parcell.

Your services are no longer required.

[Angry NBC chimes] ♪ dum dum dum ♪

[Cell phone vibrating]

Hey, I'm sorry. I forgot you called.

Liz, are you in favor of our kids having a trampoline, or do you hate fun?

What? No trampolines.

They're death traps and hymen demolishers.

You know what happened to me.

Okay, you know tramp world, that place we thought was a peep show?

It's actually an awesome trampoline store.

And Ladarius here gave me this pamphlet.

Did you know that every year more people die from disease and accidents combined than from just trampoline accidents?

Wow, is this why you called me six times during my meeting?

Gee, sorry. Just trying to include you.

I thought we'd do all this stuff together, buying toys and gender-neutral toothbrushes.

I mean, tramp world is all couples.

I'm the only single guy here, Liz, except for Ladarius, whose wife d*ed in a trampoline accident.

I'll call you back.

Stop. I hate it.

Ugh!

Okay, Liz, we're about to start writing. I swear!

No, of course you haven't done anything.

Why would I ever think that you would?

- We did something, ll. Uh-huh.

I play Gretchen Vanderhausen, a sexy, 20-something president.

I play her siamese twin Nick, a down-on-his-luck but muscular Santa claus.

The movie is being directed by Michael ba... io, Scott Baio's uncle.

It comes out 13-13-13, which is January 13th, 2014.

And the theme song will be, like, rap breakdown!

♪ Twins, twins, twins, twins ♪ I know what you're thinking, Liz, but it is possible to have twins who are different races.

I saw it on Maury it was a episode entitled, my obese toddler did my stepfather's makeover.

We have two hours to save the show!

But I guess I'll just do it alone, again!

I'll ignore everything that's going on in my life and save your jobs for you.

Just one question, out of curiosity...

What would it take...

I just remembered, I gotta leave early.

What would it take for you people to ever step up and help me? Ever!

[Gasps]

This is studio 6h.

Do you know what's been sh*t on this Stage?

TGS, the Joey Montero show, the lovebirds.

And the moon landing.

[Chuckles] Right this way.

Hello, young man. Damn it!

[Deep voice] My name is C.B. Essington.

Now, listen to me carefully because I have a moral quandary for you.

In Jack Donaghy's office, there's a brand-new script for a show that will change television.

If you steal it for me, I promise you riches beyond your wildest dreams.

What? No.

Parcell!

[Giggles] He past the test, sir!

He refused to betray the network by stealing the script for that show about the catering company!

♪ Welcome to a world of magic ♪ Kenneth, you are very close to being back in a janitor's uniform.

Oh, please, no.

That fabric was made from toilet-clog hair.

And there is nothing in the world that means more to me than this uniform.

You know how much I love this place, sir.

You do peacock peacock.

So please listen to me when I tell you Mr. MacGuffin here is the man for the job.

Actually, Kenneth, I agree.

Charlie, tell Kenneth here why you know so much about NBC.

Well, you have to know how something works if you're going to strip it for parts.

What? Broadcast television is dying.

The only move is to shut down the network, pull the copper out of the walls, and turn this building into a forever 21.

That's what you would do to NBC?

At some point, you gotta turn the horse into glue, Ken.

That is a waste of delicious dead horse.

Mr. Donaghy, don't do this.

He may have a fancy degree, and know lots of business terms, like "meeting" and "envelope."

But if all he cares about is the bottom line, he's not right for the job.

Kenneth, you also just described me.

Are you saying I wasn't right for the job?

No, sir. You were not.

I know you don't mean that.

Kenneth?

Awk-ward!

What am I looking at?

I'm just hair and eyes. It's perfect.

Pete, a word?

I told you, we have to do everything on greenscreen.

You're the one who wrote- all this says is

"what if the jolly green giant was horny?"

It's a note from our sponsor.

Boo-yah!

[Clang, bass drum pounding]

Wait, what is that? Where's the band?

We can't afford a band... Or a union crew.

So what, we're using scabs?

You're not my girlfriend. You're nobody's girlfriend!

This is a disaster.

I think it's awesome, but full disclosure, I just drank ayahuasca.

[Cell phone vibrates] Not a good time, Criss.

You still at the office?

Did you not get my messages?

I haven't had a second to do anything.

Do you know what I had for lunch today?

Two pieces of pizza, a garden salad, a cup of soup, this cookie thing with a jelly center.

I'm at JFK, Liz. The kids land in an hour.

What? Bev's email had it backwards.

They're not coming in on 1/29 on flight 124.

They're coming in on 1/24 on flight 129.

Oh, my god, they're coming. They're coming, Liz.

The Kabletown board, they're on their way up.

I... I can't go. I can't leave work.

No, what are you talking about? You have to.

Compromises, Criss. Okay, so I won't be there when we meet our kids for the first time... so what?

I'll be around for lots of other stuff.

I mean, how important is being there this one time?

It's really important, Liz! You know that.

I also know that everyone here is counting on me to save their jobs right now.

And nobody else can do it because, damn it, this is bro body douche presents the man cave, and I am Todd Debeikis!

No.

Guys, I'm worried about Todd.

I'm extraordinarily busy, Kenneth.

I assume you've made your decision.

Yes, I have. Very well.

But you should know that I refuse to watch this network get torn apart.

Kenneth... - You Kenneth!

As much as it pains me, I have no choice but to quit the page program.

So shines a goon's deed in a weary world.

Kenneth.

[Chuckles]

Seven years, and I've never gotten it right.

Every show I was sure would succeed... Failed.

I mean, the monkey was funny, damn it.

And then, when I tired to t*nk the network so Hank would sell it... What's that now?

I actually made it better.

h*m* is the first U.S. TV show to be broadcast in Iran.

- Kalamayeh badee hast "sheer." "Sheer."

- Chashp... uh... "Sheer" mesle gorbeh ye bozorg.

- Nah. Ooh yekee deegast.

- Khak to saret! [Laughs]

Unlike every other place I've ever worked, this business makes no sense.

And it doesn't matter if you went to Harvard business school or...

Your college mascot and president was a bear in a hat? Exactly.

This industry is totally irrational.

So if all my credentials and degrees and experience don't matter, that means the only qualification for this job is... loving television.

What are you saying, sir?

I'm saying I'm finally going to do something for this network that I know is right.

You like NBC, don't you, Kenneth?

Oh, I think it's the most wonderful place in the whole wide world.

Good. Because I'm giving it to you.

The whole thing.

You're the next president of the national broadcasting company.

[Strained giggles]

[Rock music]

Welcome to the man cave.

TV for your peen.

R.I.P., Todd.

Why isn't he in costume? Ladies and gentlemen of the Kabletown board, I quit.

So do I. What the hell are you doing?

They're replaceable... we can get David Alan grier and miss piggy.

I'll tell you what we're doing, ll.

We're finally stepping up.

This show is a disaster.

Except for the very moving Todd Debeikis tribute.

Todd, we'll miss you.

I know you want to save TGS, Lemon head, but there is no TGS to save.

And you should be at the airport right now picking up your chili.

Children, Tracy.

Children? Why the hell are you still here?

We knew you'd never give up, so for once, let us step up and do what we do best... nothing.

You're doing this for me?

We all are. I quit, Liz.

Me too.

I quit.

Mommy's baby quits.

I actually quit two years ago.

Subhas out. Suck it!

Get out of here, lady!

I hit that.

Hang on. Is that them?

Is that the twins?

No way! So it is possible.

Yeah, I saw it on Maury

is that a camera?

I'm gonna need you on my good side.

What up, Liz Lemon?

I will not be able to attend school tomorrow because of an issue with my lizard.

That seems about right.

♪ Welcome to a world of magic ♪

♪ where this nifty gadget full of batteries ♪

♪ can funtertain your life ♪

♪ welcome to a world of wonder ♪

♪ moving at the speed of light ♪

♪ press that button and invite ♪

♪ us right into your home 'cause you must see ♪

♪ a world of magic ♪

♪ n... b... c ♪