02x05 - Judy Collins

[bunniefuu]

Judy Collins, Oh, seconds
to curtain, Miss Collins,

I'm ready, I'm ready for anything,

You weren't ready for that!

It's The Muppet Show, with our very
speciaI guest star Miss Judy Collins!

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right

It's time to get things started

Do we have to watch this?

It's time to get things started

On the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we call The Muppet Show!

OK, Thank you, thank you, thank
you, and welcome to The Muppet Show.

Hey, we really have a terrific show
for you tonight because we have with us

one of the most beautifuI and
talented singers in the entire world,

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you,

It's about time you said
something nice about me,

Piggy, I... I was referring
to Miss Judy Collins,

Oh, him,

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Judy Collins,

Oh, hello there,

I have to go and sing
now with the woodpecker,

Find out what "how dow
di-di-dit doe dum" means,

I will,

What does "how dow
di-di-dit doe" mean?

Go sing with the owI!

You know, when I see that Judy
Collins, I'm glad I left my wife,

You left your wife?
- Yeah, I left her at home,

Yeah, well, sell the hoteI
on Pennsylvania Avenue,

buy all your railroads, forget the
and let 'em go straight to jaiI, Right,

Oh, boy, look who's here,

Oh, Kermit, you know my uncle,

J,P, Grosse, Yeah, I own the
theatre, the ground it stands on

and the mineraI rights underneath it,
In fact, I probably own you too, frog,

Kid, make a note,

see if we own the frog,
If not, take an option,

Well, J,P... I suppose you're
here on a little inspection tour,

Yeah, well, you could call it that,

Attendance is up, revenue is
up, Just about everything is up,

Yeah, well, the theatre's coming down,

What?
- Tearing it down to put in a junkyard,

Yeah, but why?

Because there's more money in reaI
junk than this junk you got here,

Come on, kid, this well's dry,

Don't forget the option on the
frog, Get a lien on his legs,

I think my stock just dropped,

And now, Pigs in Space,

Featuring the stout-hearted
Captain Link Hogthrob,

the fetching First Mate Miss Piggy,

and the ubiquitous
Dr Julius Strangepork.

Last week the spaceship
Swinetrek was rapidly approaching

the electrifying mid-course
correction manoeuvre.

Stand by for mid-course correction,

Oh, isn't this electrifying?

Dr Strangepork, ready
to count me down?

Oh, Captain Link,
would it be all right

if I performed the
mid-course correction?

Well...
- After all,

I did go to schooI for this
particular manoeuvre for years,

Still, you are a woman,

Yes, captain, just as you are a man,

Technically, you're both pigs, but
we know what you're talking about,

Oh, captain, may I please
perform the manoeuvre?

Well, I suppose so,

Oh, thank you, Herr Capitan! Oh!

Twenty-five seconds to
mid-course correction,

Now, First Mate Piggy,

don't forget which button to push,
- I know which button to push,

I studied it for years,

Fifteen seconds,

It's this button right here,
- I know it's that button,

Ten seconds,
- Push it when he tells you,

I know, I know!
- Five seconds,

Don't panic,
- Will you shut up?!

Don't tell me to shut
up, I'm your captain,

Now! Push the button! Push the button!

Push the button!
- I'm will! Don't shout! I'm a lady!

If you don't push that
button, I'll push it myself,

You pushed the wrong
button, bacon brain,

I spent years learning
which button to push

and you pushed one of
those other buttons,

Captain, you know what that means?

Not...?
- Yes, I'm afraid so,

You don't mean...?

Yes, undoubtedly,
- Yes, undoubtedly,

Does this mean...?

Yes, it does,

Tune in next week and
miss the continuation of...

...Pigs in Space!

I just want it known that, following
that last piece of materiaI,

I am disassociating myself

from this whole weird, sick show,

Where do I go?

Ladies and gentlemen, at this
time, we have a very speciaI...

I'm trying to make an introduction,

Go right ahead, I'm
just checking the floor,

Ladies and gentlemen...

Scooter, make a note, some
of these boards are rotten,

That's too bad,

If you dried your flippers before you
came out here, this wouldn't happen,

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Judy Collins,

WonderfuI! Yes!

WonderfuI,
- Yes, but I swallowed my gum,

How very dumb, to swallow your gum,

Here is a Muppet news flash,

There it was, folks,

Yeah, well, I'm tearing the
theatre down, putting in a junkyard,

Yeah, 'course I will,

Oh, look, it's Scooter's
uncle, the famous J,P, Grosse,

Oh, I had no idea that someone
so rich could be so good-looking,

Listen, I don't want excuses,
Just get the widow's wheelchair,

Hello, my name is Miss Piggy, the
singing star of The Muppet Show.

Well, sue then,

I wonder, would you
like to hear me sing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

Oh, all right,

Call you? What for? No
money in hog-calling,

Well, call this, cigar breath!

For a second there, I thought somebody
was gonna get hurt around here,

I'm not listening to any more of this!

Yeah, let's leaf,

Oh, boy,

Ah, that turkey talks ragtime,

This is Kermit the Frog speaking
to you from the planet Koozebane,

and I am interviewing a
most unfortunate creature,

the Koozebanian Phoob,

Thank you, I'm pleased to be here,

As a matter of fact, I'm
pleased to be anywhere,

I can believe that because,
folks, the Phoob is known

as the most delicious
creature on Koozebane,

True, We have a saying on this world:

"I never met a Phoob I didn't like,
especially with mushroom gravy,"

I suppose this tends to hold down the
Phoob population pretty effectively,

Not really, Actually, my
species is flourishing,

Really? How do you manage that?

Evolution,

I don't think I understand,

We Phoobs tend to evolve rather
faster than most creatures,

Well, what do you evolve into?

Oh, you know, Whatever's handy,

I beg your pardon?

We try to blend in with
the crowd as best we can,

Say, are you changing?

Evolving, Evolving
is the accurate term,

Yeah, but you're
starting to look familiar,

I should certainly hope so,

This is very weird,

Good grief! Even your
clothes are the same!

It's called the survivaI
of the trench-coated,

Yeah, but you can't do this!

This is Kermit the
Frog, returning you to...

I'm Kermit the Frog!
- I am!

I am!

These are Kermit the Frogs,
returning you to The Muppet Show.

You can't do that!

Will you stop?!

I'm the reaI Kermit, folks,

WonderfuI! Very funny! Eh, Waldorf?

I wonder where he went,

He was here a minute ago, watching
the Phoob and falling down laughing,

I'm still falling, but
I've stopped laughing,

Mr Statler, there aren't too many
people on this show I like to talk to,

Well, I can understand that,

They're kind of weird,

Weird is too nice a word,

But you and your friend seem to
be very distinguished gentlemen,

By the way, where is your friend?

Oh, I don't know, He must
have stepped out for a minute,

Stepped out is right,
Hey, give me a hand, huh?

Well, I'm sure he didn't go far,

Yeah, he's probably
hanging around somewhere,

Hanging around is right, Help,

Mr Statler, what I
find hard to understand

is why you come here every night,

Well, it gets me out of the house,

But there are many better places
to go than this freak show,

There's the symphony,
the ballet, the opera,

Help, Help!

Never go to the opera,
- Help!

Can't stand all that
screaming and yelling,

Help!

You just don't understand opera,

Oh, I understand it all right,

I just hate it, I'd rather
go to a public hanging,

You are at a public
hanging, Pull me up,

Does your friend Waldorf
feeI as strongly as you?

I don't have any feeling
at all, My hand is numb,

I don't know, Why don't you ask him?

Maybe I will, I will drop by later,

I'm gonna drop right now
if somebody doesn't help me,

But wherever he is, it's good to know

that at least we have
you two gentlemen here

to provide dignity and decency,

Hey, thank you, Judy, I really
want to thank you for wanting

to play this number with
me, I'm just honoured,

Oh, it's a pleasure for
me, Rowlf, Thank you,

What is that you're playing right now?

Oh, these are just finger exercises,
I play them to warm up before I play,

Really?

What do you do to warm up?
- Oh, I chase cars,

Oh, dear, I'd much rather
play finger exercises,

When I was a kid, I used to play these

and put a book up in front of
me and read while I practiced,

Oh... I guess that's easy for you,

But, you know, it's tough to play the
piano and chase cars at the same time,

How about playing a duet with me?

Oh, listen, that's why I'm here,

OK,

Oh, no, what am I gonna do?

Hi, Kermit, What's happening?

Oh, Gonzo, haven't you heard the news?
- No,

Scooter's uncle's gonna
tear this theatre down,

No!

Yes! And he's gonna build a
junkyard on this very spot,

No!
- Yes,

Oh, what a terrific idea for an act!

What?
- I wish I'd thought of it,

There goes a reaI trouper,

...lettuce,

...boom-boom

Salad!

Ever eat any of that
Swedish chef's food?

Are you kidding? If
I did, I'd be dead,

That's why I asked,

...boom-boom

Brussels sprouts,

Oh, they're going to get
that Swedish chef some day,

Who is?
- The smorgasbord of health,

Scooter,
- What is it, Kermit?

You're the only one who can talk your
uncle out of tearing the theatre down,

Oh, gee, I don't think so, Kermit

Well, sure you can,
AppeaI to his sense of art,

Tell him about the people
who'll be out of work,

Sorry, Kermit,
- Including you,

Wait right here,

Hey, Uncle J,P,
- Huh?

You can't tear this theatre down,
- Oh, sure I can,

I've got the junk yard all planned,

Gonna put the old cars right
here and the old tyres over there,

Well, what about your sense of art?

Art who?

Well, what will all
these people do for money?

Oh, let 'em spend cake,

Well, what about me?

Oh, well, I was going to put
you in charge of the junkyard,

What do you say to that, kid?

Let's get started, Uncle Partner,

Scooter!

...coconut,

...boom-boom,

...chicken,

Well, did you find
all that interesting?

No, I was smorgasbored!

Bored!
- Bored!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Judy Collins.

We made it through another one,

mostly with the help of our wonderfuI
guest star, Miss Judy Collins,

Thank you, It's been wonderfuI,

Oh, I'm very glad, You know, mostly
because this may be our last show,

Oh, no,
- Yeah,

Scooter's uncle wants
to tear this place down,

No, canceI that plan, I'm not
gonna tear this place down,

You're not?
- It'd be a waste of money,

This dump's gonna fall in on
its own, Look at this floor,

Oh, well, we'll see you all
next time on The Muppet Show.

This theatre's as solid
as a rock, Watch this,