02x07 - Edgar Bergen

[bunniefuu]

Edgar Bergen, Twenty-five
seconds to curtain, Mr Bergen,

Oh, thank you, Did
you hear that, Charlie?

I... I... I just can't
believe my eyes, Did he go yet?

Yes, he stuck his head
in the door and left,

I don't mean him, I mean him,

I just can't believe my eyes,
A stick of wood that talks,

It's The Muppet Show with our very
speciaI guest star Mr Edgar Bergen,

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right

It's time to get things started

Maybe they'll be funny,
- Wanna bet?

It's time to get things started

On the most sensational,
inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we
call The Muppet Show!

Thank you, Thank you, Hello there
and welcome again to The Muppet Show,

We have two very
speciaI guests tonight,

Mr Edgar Bergen and
Mr Charlie McCarthy,

We're also going to try to coax
Mortimer Snerd into making an appearance,

You see, Mortimer's
a shy country boy,

Mortimer, this opening number
should make you feeI right at home,

Ready, girls?

Now, why would they have a
bunch of chickens sing Baby Face?

'Cause the alligators were sick,

That makes sense,

Yeah, OK, OK,

I see what you mean
about the dressing room,

I'll see what I can do about having
a coop built for you out back, OK?

OK, OK, sure, right,

You have to treat the chickens pretty
well, They've got a tough union,

Good grief! It's Edgar
Bergen and Charlie McCarthy!

Bergen, call the janitor, There's
a toad loose in the theatre,

Kermit is supposed to be here,
- Yeah?

Yes, and besides, don't you know the
difference between a frog and a toad?

I guess not, no,

Frogs are handsome,
debonair and charming,

while toads are ugly
and give you warts,

I see, I guess that means the
toad is supposed to be here,

Kermit, do forgive Charlie,

I know that he can be
difficult and trying,

I can be difficult without trying,
- Yeah, I know you can,

I don't mind, Edgar, 'cause I always
expect wisecracks from Charlie,

It's very good to have you here,

I'm sorry, I don't usually
talk to frogs, you know,

Charlie, please,
- Yeah, all right,

Sometimes I have dinner
with frogs though,

Oh, well, that's nice,
- Yes, they're delicious,

That's not nice,
- Well, make up your mind,

In fact, I once tried
to race some frogs, see,

I'm not sure I want to hear this,
- Well, you'll get it anyway,

I was going to teach them to
jump forwards and backwards,

And that way they'd have
hind legs on both ends, see,

And I'd... I'd have
the jump on everybody,

You don't know what you're saying,

Yes I do, Bergen, I
can read your lips,

That burns him up,

Charlie, it's really great to have you
here, Just try to relax and act naturaI,

Well, I am acting naturaI,

Really? You look a
little wooden to me,

If you're gonna do jokes like that,
Bergen and I will feeI right at home,

Yes, we will,
- That's what we want,

Relaxed guests?
- No, song cues,

No, thank you,

Not me,

So what? Who cares?

Not me, I'm driving,

Check,

Right,

Remember girls, an egg a
day keeps the hatchet away,

Here's the bacon
to go with the eggs,

Bergen, this isn't a
television show, this is a zoo,

Oink-oink,

Cluck-cluck,

Here is a Muppets news flash,

Dateline, The Muppet Show, an
embarrassing situation developed today

when the Muppet news reporter
accidentally went on camera

forgetting to put on his pants...

Oh, good grief,

And now, in a feat of grand daring
never before seen on this planet,

the great Gonzo will attempt
to wrestle a six-pound red brick

while completely blindfolded.

No,

OK, put the Pigs in
Space set onstage please,

Kermit, you promised
me a welterweight brick,

Oh, yeah,

Scooter, would you find Captain
Hogthrob and tell him to stand by?

Check,
- Kermit, where's the glue?

It's in the office, Where's Piggy?

Also, I need some string and some
paint and do you have any black cloth,

Fozzie, I'm trying
to run a show here,

I know, Kermit, but I'm on in a
few minutes and my act's not ready,

Well, what act is that, Fozzie?

Well, you know how Edgar
Bergen gets screams of laughter

just by talking with
Charlie McCarthy?

Yeah, so?

Me and Chucky'll
knock 'em dead tonight,

There he goes, the
dummy and his dummy,

And now, Pigs in Space!

Starring the indomitable
Captain Link Hogthrob,

the flappable first mate Miss Piggy

and the inexplicable Dr Strangepork.

As we left our heroes last time

the spaceship Swinetrek was on
the verge of a hideous catastrophe.

Dr Strangepork, who can save us
from this hideous catastrophe,

Captain, according to my records,

the only person who's had the
necessary training to save us

is First Mate Piggy,

Oh, I am ready to do
whatever is necessary

to save the Swinetrek and her crew,

I am at the service of all porkdom,

What is my assignment?

Miss Piggy,

you and you alone can operate
the independent heating,

slash, unifying element across
the horizontaI equalising plane

and save the entire
crew of the Swinetrek.

I am ready, my captain,

Excellent, Bring in the
equipment for Miss Piggy,

But what is this?

Well, surely you recognise
the independent heating,

slash, unifying element and the
the horizontaI equalising plane,

You want me to do the laundry?

Well, of course, Nobody on the crew
has had clean laundry for a week,

That is correct, We are
all living like pigs,

An astute observation, doctor,

You wanna play a little touch
football, toss the old pigskin around?

Right behind you, captain,

Oh, one more thing, Miss Piggy,

A little less starch
in the pyjamas, OK?

Oh, yeah? Well, starch
this, sausage snout!

Tune in again next time for
another iron-fisted episode of

Pigs in Space!

Excuse me, Mr Bergen, could I
come in and talk for a minute?

Of course you can, Fozzie,
- Oh, good,

And it's good to see you again,

You know Mortimer Snerd of course,

Well, of course I recognise this
charming, handsome looking gentleman,

He says the darnedest things,

Well, Mortimer, you
know who he is, surely,

Oh, yeah, Hello, Shirley,

No, no, my name is Fozzie,

Yeah, that's right, Shirley Fozzie,

Listen, Mortimer, I didn't
even know you were here,

Well, say, maybe I'm not here,

What?
- Was I here yesterday?

No,

Well, then probably I'm not here
today, I don't traveI too much,

Listen, Mr Bergen...

Am I supposed to be here?
- Of course,

You have to excuse Mortimer,
He's a little bit slow,

Yeah, it's probably
why I'm not here yet,

Wait, what do you mean, Mortimer?

Well, if I were faster
I'd be here by now,

Listen, Mortimer, take my
word for it, You are here,

Well, thank goodness,

Are you through?
- No, I'm here,

Yeah, all right,

Mortimer, haven't
you any brains at all?

Well, well, not with me, no,

I'll ignore that, Fozzie,
what can I do for you?

Oh, well, Mr Bergen, see, my spot
in the show is on in just a minute

and I've decided to go out
and do an act like yours,

Oh, well, our act is easy,

Yeah, I sit on the stage and talk

and Bergen stands next
to me and moves his lips,

There's one more thing, You must
have comedy, you must have good jokes,

Jokes, Yeah,

Speaking of jokes...

...there's the funniest
story going around,

What... what... Mortimer,
what's the story going around,

Well, I don't know, It hasn't
gotten around to me yet,

Boy, Mortimer, you are stupid,

Yeah, yeah, But I've
made a success of it,

Excuse me, Mortimer,
Fozzie, you're on,

Oh, I'm on! Oh, wish
me luck, Mortimer,

Good luck,
- Yeah, good luck,

Oh, that Shirley is a nice fellow,

OK, well, once again, it's time for everyone's semi
- favourite funny man,

Or favourite semi-funny
man or whatever,

Fozzie has something
new in mind for tonight

so summon your courage and welcome,
if you will, Mr Fozzie Bear and friend,

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you,

It's Fozzie and Chucky time!

Chucky, who was that lady
I saw you with last night?

This is funny,

Chucky, who was that lady
I saw you with last night?

All part of the act,

Hey, Chucky, moving right along...

Chucky, why do firemen
wear red suspenders?

OK, Chucky, listen,

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken
cross the road, Chucky?!

Say something! Anything!

Fozzie...
- He won't talk to me!

There's something about ventriloquism
that I think you should know,

What?
- You see, Fozzie... Listen...

...it's the ventriloquist
who actually does the talking,

It doesn't?!
- Yeah,

Really? No moving lips?
- Nope,

OK, OK, I've got it now,

Listen,

Chucky,

who was that lady I
saw you with last night,

That was no lady, That was my wife,

Oh, that's so funny!
Oh, I love me! Yeah!

Actually, I spent the night alone,

Terrible,

AwfuI, I hated it,

WonderfuI!
- Spectacular,

I loved it,
- Yeah, I loved it,

Edgar Bergen is a performer
who means something very speciaI

to all of us on The Muppet Show,

so it's really a thrill for me to
say once again, here is Edgar Bergen

and everybody's friend,
Charlie McCarthy,

Well, Charlie, are you enjoying
yourself on The Muppet Show?

Yes, Bergen, I'm... I'm
enjoying myself, yes,

Well, that's nice,
- Yes,

I have to enjoy myself,

There's nothing else
to enjoy on this show,

What?
- They're a bunch of weirdoes,

Oh, no, no, Charlie,
It's not nice to say that,

There's some wonderfuI
folks on this show,

Yeah?
- Yeah, Well, like Fozzie,

Well, he's a bear,
- Yes,

Pure and simple,
- Charlie,

Accent on "simple",
- Yes,

No, You know, I think he's very
nice, He's so cute and cuddly,

Yeah, You know what
he reminds me of?

No, what?

You know, the floor in
my den, it needs a rug,

It needs a rug,
That's enough of that,

I don't wanna hear
any more about Fozzie,

Good, I'll talk about the frog,

No no, No, you won't,

He is our host, Kermit is,
- Yeah, that's right,

You know what we used to do
with frogs in biology class?

I don't want to hear about that,
- No, no,

I'm surprised to hear you talking
that way, What's the matter with you?

Well, if you must know,
I'm... I'm lonesome,

Oh, you're lonesome, Oh, I
should have guessed that, sure,

You miss the companionship of
a beautifuI, gorgeous female,

Yeah,
- Did someone call me?

She's here,

Don't look, now, Bergen, but
somebody left the sty gate open,

Did you say something?

Yeah, well, I was...
I was talking to Bergen,

Yeah, he was just saying
that he wanted to meet you,

Didn't sound that way to me,

Me neither and I said it,

For your information,
you overdressed splinter,

my heart belongs to Kermit,

You, you're in love with a frog?

What are you laughing
at, mahogany mouth?

You know what we
used to do with frogs?

No, You know what we
used to do with wood?

No,
- Chop it!

Solid oak!

That's about it for
another Muppet Show,

Before we say goodbye, let's bring
out our speciaI guests one more time,

I'm not going out there
if that pig is still there,

Don't be silly, Charlie,

Mr Edgar Bergen and
Mr Charlie McCarthy!

Is that pig gone?
- There's nobody out here but us frogs,

Oh, just frogs, Did I ever tell you
what we did with frogs in biology class?

We're a little late, folks, but we'll
see you next time on The Muppet Show.

He shouldn't have jumped,
This show's not that bad,