02x10 - George Burns

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Muppet Show". Aired: September 5, 1976 - May 23, 1981.*
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Join Jim Henson's Muppets, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo on their variety show.
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02x10 - George Burns

Post by bunniefuu »

George Burns, George Burns, Twenty
seconds to curtain, Mr Burns,

I'm ready,

But... but what is that?

It's my new act, Gonzo
fiddles while George burns,

I like that joke, It's a pleasure to
hear something that's older than I am,

It's The Muppet Show with our
speciaI guest star, Mr George Burns,

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right

It's time to get things started

Isn't this opening pretentious?

It's time to get things started

On the most sensational,
inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we
call The Muppet Show!

OK, thank you, thank you and
welcome again to another Muppet Show.

We've got a great show tonight because
our guest star is Mr George Burns,

That's very funny,
- What's funny?

Gonzo fiddles while George burns,

Have you ever thought of checking in
to the Home for the Chronically Strange?

But right now, let's start things
off by going south of the border,

Everybody!

Well, there it is,
Your basic Latin number,

Well, actually, it's your
basic pig Latin number,

What's going on? Who are you?

The name's Fleet Scribbler, I'm a
gossip columnist for The Daily Scandal.

I'm sorry but we don't allow
reporters backstage during the show,

What a headline! "Muppets Ban
Press, Reporter Thrown Out by Frog,"

Wait, on the other hand, can
I offer you a cup of coffee?

What a headline! "Frog Bribes Reporter,
Muppets Desperate for Publicity,"

This isn't going to be easy,

Say, is it true you're dropping a
lot of stuff from the show this year?

No, no, not particularly,

"Muppets Relying on
Same Old Tired Junk,"

Wait, on the other hand, we have a
lot of brand-new, innovative stuff,

"Muppets Changing Format,
Desperate to Sustain Show,"

I never knew the press
could be so depressing,

Hey, Kermit, aren't you supposed
to be introducing George Burns?

Oh, yeah, Excuse me,

What a headline that would make,
- What?

"Gonzo Fiddles
While George Burns,"

That joke is definitely
making a comeback,

It's a very speciaI night
on The Muppet Show because

with us is one of the men of comedy
who can really be called speciaI,

Here he is with a cigar
and a song, Mr George Burns,

Thank you, thank you, thank you very
much, and I'm delighted to be here,

I'm really glad you
could make it, George,

It's an honour for me to
be playing piano for you,

Thank you, I haven't
worked with a dog for years,

You've worked with a dog?
- Oh, sure, back in vaudeville,

In those days dog
acts were very popular,

So I picked up a dog off the street
and went to the theatre to do my act,

I walked out on stage with the dog under
my arm, stood there and sang my songs,

In the middle of my third
song, the dog did his act,

Twice,

He bit me, the dog bit me right
in the middle of my top note,

To make matters worse, the
theatre manager came back,

cancelled me and hired the dog,

I hope you won't hold
that against us dogs,

Oh, no, no, no, no, I love dogs,
especially if they can play in my key,

Oh, listen, I can play in any
key, I'm another Jascha Heifetz,

Jascha Heifetz played the violin,

Nobody will know the
difference, George,

OK, Rowlf, in my
key, Train Back Home.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, Rowlf,
You're liable to hurt yourself,

Play like you're not
getting paid, Nice and easy,

Nice and easy it is,
- Right from the top,

Right,

Isn't that a nice song?

Hey, that George Burns
is a great singer,

Yeah, well, so am I, Statler,

What?
- Sure, you wanna hear me sing?

Only if you sing tenor,
- Tenor?

Ten or miles away,

How should I know what
"cuanto le gusta" means?

Hiya, chickie baby,

Watch it, buster,

I'm Fleet Scribbler, from The
Daily Scandal. I'm a reporter,

And what can your
chickie baby do for you?

Well, I wanted to talk to you,

You want to interview me?

Well, not exactly,
- Oh, what do you want?

Dirt,
- What?

You know, scandaI, the hot skinny,
What really goes on behind the scenes,

I couldn't do that,

There is such a thing as loyalty
to one's fellow performers,

Too bad,

I also wanted to do a picture spread
of you, Something for Page Three,

Well, first of all...

...just the other day...

Hey, wait a second, Hey,
Scribbler, Those are all lies,

Hey, hey, hey
- Whoa, hey, hey

Excuse me, Mr Burns,

I wanted to warn you about
this reporter that's backstage,

He writes a gossip column,

As long as he doesn't write the
obituary column, I'm not worried,

But he writes for The Daily Scandal and
he'll do anything for sensationalism,

Pay no attention to him,
Burns, He's only a frog,

Thanks,

Look, I'll get right
to the point, Burns,

How much are they
paying you on this show?

Hey, now, wait a second,
- Let me handle this, Kermit,

They're paying me $ , ,

Come on, is that a lie?
- One of my best,

For years you were a vaudeville
actor and now you've made two films,

Is it difficult to be an actor,

No, it's very easy to be an actor,

If you're doing a scene where
a man tells you to sit down,

if you sit down, that's good acting,

If he tells you to sit down and you
keep standing up, that's bad acting,

I always sit down, I'm a good actor,

I've been around so long that if I
can sit down and get paid for doing it,

I'm in the right business,

That's the end of the
interview, Goodbye, kid,

You really took care of him,
- Thanks, Kermit,

How many cigars do you smoke a day?
- About a day,

At my age, I got to
hold on to something,

And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI,

the continuing story of a
quack who has gone to the dogs.

Dr Bob, are you ready
for your next patient?

Next patient? What
happened to the last one?

He left for a better doctor,
- Which doctor?

That's right, Witch doctor!

Witch doctor!

Here it is, Dr Bob,

It's a telephone, What's wrong?
- It isn't working,

Isn't working? Well, tell it
to get a job so it can pay me,

Maybe it's a pay phone,
- A pay phone!

Wow!

Dr Bob, do you know anything
about repairing telephones?

I can look it up in the book,
- The medicaI book?

No, the telephone book,

What do you think, Dr Bob?
- It must be jaundice,

How do you know?
- Look at these yellow pages,

Dr Bob, do you think the
telephone needs an anaesthetic,

Well, if so, make it a locaI,
- Why?

Long distance costs too much,

Wait a minute, Nurse Piggy,
don't you have the next line?

Yes, but I can't say it,
- How come?

The line's busy,

Dr Bob?

Dr Bob, wow, are you
ever going to operate?

No, but I know who will,
- Who?

The telephone operator,

And so, once again,
Dr Bob is off the hook.

You talking to me?

Tune in next week when
you'll hear Nurse Piggy say;

Does the phone remind
you of anything?

It does ring a bell,

Watch the hands!

Watch the feet! Watch
your wallet! Here we go,

Everybody!

Excuse me, Mr Burns,
remember me? I'm Gonzo,

Oh, one of the Marx Brothers,
Groucho, Chico, Harpo and Gonzo,

No, no, no, no, I'm the Great
Gonzo, I'm in show business too,

Well, how did you
get a name like Gonzo?

My mother gave it to me,
- Your mother,

Yeah, She d*ed two
years before I was born,

If she d*ed two years before you were
born, how could she give you that name?


She left a note to my father,
- A note to your father, I thought so,

Coming from you that
sounds believable,

Look, I hope you don't mind
me coming in here like this,

but I know you love show business,

and those stories about the
early days are really interesting,

Some of them are pretty dull,
- How can you say that?

I haven't told you
any of my stories yet,

Oh, yours? I thought you meant...
- I remember my first act,

I worked with a kangaroo
who could tell time,

A kangaroo who could tell time?

Yeah, It was a trick, He kept
a pocket watch in his pouch,

If you've got a pouch,
that's the place to keep it,

Yeah, but he was always wrong, He
kept his watch on Australia time,

Makes sense,

Not really, He's never
been to Australia,

Well, that makes sense
too, Where did he come from?

Sydney,

I thought you said he'd
never been to Australia,

Sydney's his agent,

Has he got an office in Pittsburgh,
- Yeah,

Used to handle me, You
know something, Gonzo?

You sound like somebody
I used to work with,

Really? That's a compliment,

You know who that is?

Sure, Walter Matthau,

Yeah, that's her,

I must be getting old, I
think I enjoyed talking to him,

Kermie, Kermie, won't
you dance with me? Kermie!

Oh, yeah?

Bravo, Bravo!
- Why are you yelling bravo?

Did you like it that much?

No, A friend of mine, Joe Bravo,
He's sitting in the third row,

Bravo, Bravo, up here!
- Up here!

This is a recorded
analytic program readout.

We will start with the
upper right of the module.

You will note the
longitudinally polarised antenna.

This component is indestructible

and is guaranteed for
the life of the unit.

There is an alarm system which is
activated if the machine is damaged.

Adjacent to the alarm is
the digital iambic generator.

This unit is pressurised with
large amounts of methane gas.

On the top of the
inter-cellular power generator

you will see a spherical
voltage oblongata.

It should be noted that this unit
alone is worth over $ , .

By way of contrast, the
Doppler sublimated magneto

located on the front
of the generator

can be purchased in any hardware
store for about cents.

The intercellular power
structure and generator itself

is filled with a series of Manxome
coils attenuated dicotyledonously.

In this same circuit there
is an intaglio of numismatic

krypton wavelengths which
abrogates the hydromatic mome raths

at the rate of five ventrical
icons per micro cantabile.

The electromagnetic console...

In conclusion, nothing can keep this
machine from performing its function

which is to be the most powerful
exploding device known to man.

Disgusting, Ever
see eating like that?

Sure,
- Where?

Thanksgiving dinner
with my in-laws,

Hey, Kermit, do you know about the
reporter who's snooping around here?

Yeah, Fleet Scribbler,

He asked me to tell him all about the
scandals and behind-the-scenes dirt,

Oh, I know, it's just awfuI,

It was, I didn't know where to begin,
- What?

Well, I mean, I could
have talked for hours,

I don't want to hear about it,

Now he's talking
to the Swedish Chef,

Well, he can't get any
information from him,

On the other hand...

Ladies and gentlemen, once again,
the one and only Mr George Burns,

What do you say, George, would
you do one more song for us?

You don't think I came over
here just to do one song,

Mr Burns, oh, I've been
a fan of yours for years,

Would you sing a song just for moi?

I could never say no to a lady,

Well, you don't have to worry
then, It's only Miss Piggy,

CooI it, flea bait,

Now, where were we?

I was about to say yes to a lady,

Thank you, Mr Burns,

Let's get the group out because this
song needs all the help I can get,

Out here, everybody,

Now, Rowlf, in my key,
- All right,

I want you all to follow me,
- Yes, sir,

That's nice,

Hold that note, I'll
find another song,

Oh, I got it,

That's nice, Let's...
let's... let's do that again,

It's been another busy show and here
we are now at the place where it stops,

And so let's give a warm thank you

to our speciaI guest
star, Mr George Burns!

Hey, Mr Burns, is it true that you and
Miss Piggy were seen at a discotheque?

Good night, Fleet,

OK, we'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show!

How do they do it?
- How do we watch it?

Why do we watch it?
- Why do you watch it?
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