03x01 - Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge

[bunniefuu]

[knocking on door]

Kris Kristofferson
and Rita Coolidge,

25 seconds to curtain, folks.

- No problem.
- We'll be ready.

Great. Uh, by the way,
I hope you folks don't mind

having to share
a dressing room.

- Nah.
- No, not at all.

Good. Come on in, guys!

You can share Kris and
Rita's dressing room!

- Oh, boy!
- [all growling]

[drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show with
our very special guest stars

Rita Coolidge and
Kris Kristofferson. Yay!

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

♪ Blah-blah, blah-blah
blah-blah-blah ♪

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational
inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show ♪

[hiccups]

[hiccups] Uh, excuse me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

We have a very special
show tonight

because we have not one
but two special guest stars.

We have Mr. Kris Kristofferson
and Miss Rita Coolidge.

- [cheers and applause]
- Yeah.

- [clears throat] Kermie.
- Uh, yes, Miss Piggy?

I just want to thank you
for letting me do this

opening number with Kris.

- Oh, well, that's all right.
- It's a very sexy number.

- I hope you won't be jealous.
- [clears throat] Don't worry.

- Uh, you sure?
- Positive.

Oh. [gasps]

Kris, please!

Kermie, you'd better introduce
us. He just cannot wait.

[chuckling]

Yeah. Uh, well, ladies and
gentlemen, here he is...

Kermie, I just want you to know,
no matter what happens,

it's you I love.
Trust me.

Uh... yeah. OK.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
here he is, Mr. Kris Kristofferson.

[♪ Help Me Make It
Through The Night]

♪ Take the ribbon
from your hair ♪

- ♪ Shake it loose
let it fall ♪ - [sighs]

♪ Layin' soft
against my skin ♪

♪ Like the shadows
on the wall ♪

[swoons] Kris.

♪ Come and lay down
by my side ♪

- All right.
- ♪ Till the early morning light ♪

Oh, you
silver-tongued devil.

♪ All I'm taking
is your time ♪

- Take it!
- ♪ Help me make it through the night ♪

Oh, Krissie.

♪ We don't care
who's right or wrong ♪

♪ I don't try
to understand ♪

♪ Let the devil
take tomorrow ♪

♪ Lord, tonight
I need a friend ♪

Oh, yes.

♪ Yesterday
is dead and gone ♪

♪ Yesterday
is dead and gone ♪

♪ And tomorrow's
out of sight ♪

♪ Yes, tomorrow's
out of sight ♪

♪ And it's sad
to be alone ♪

♪ So sad to be alone ♪

[both] ♪ Help me make it
through the night ♪

♪ We don't want to be alone ♪

♪ Help me make it
hrough the night ♪

[kissing]

[applause]

You rascal.

- Wonderful!
- Wonderful!

♪ Copenhagen ♪

[Kermit] OK, stagehands,
strike Kris's number.

I'm introducing the dog act.
Dogs on stage, please.

- Hey, Gladys.
- Yeah, dear?

- What's the soup du jour?
- Same as yesterday.

Good. I'll have
that and the chicken.

Now, how do you
want your chicken?

Baked, broiled
or barbecued?

I want the chicken
for company!

- [sighs] I hate to eat alone.
- [clucks]

For a second there I thought
you was one of them weirdoes.

I still do.

Hey, Gonzo,
Kermit says you're on next.

- Oh, thank you.
- It's OK, dear. You'll pay me later.

- Thank you.
- You're finally gonna get to do

- the old piano-balancing act?
- Yeah.

You'll pay me now.

[fanfare plays]

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Gonzo,

in a master feat
of mathematical dexterity.

- Um, is he ready back there?
- [monster] Uh, no, no.

- [Gonzo] I'm ready.
- Yeah, yeah.

Uh... OK. The Great Gonzo,

in a master feat
of mathematical dexterity,

will recite the seven times
multiplication table

while balancing a piano
and standing in a hammock.

- The Great Gonzo!
- [fanfare plays]

Ta-da!

[groaning]

Seven...
Seven times one is, uh...

Seven.

Seven times two is, uh... 17.

Oh, let me count that.

All right. Seven, eight, nine,
ten, carry the one...

Eleven, 12...

Well, that act
certainly suited Gonzo.

- It did?
- Yep. Suited him down to the ground.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
here at Muppet Labs,

where the future
is being made, today.

Well, I've got some news
of welcome relief

to short, stubbly people
like Beaker here.

- [muttering]
- Announcing new Muppet Labs'

Atomic Elevator Shoes.

Yes, these shoes
can add inches to your height

at the mere flick of a lever.
[clears throat]

Beaker is wearing them now,
and they work like this.

- Up...
- Ooh! [mutters]

...down.

- [muttering]
- Oh, Beaker, stop it!

You're just acting
like a baby. [sighs]

- [gasping]
- And so, the Atomic Elevator Shoe

adds untold inches to Beaker's
unfortunate physique.

[Beaker screaming]

Beaker! You never told me
you wore stripy socks.

That's all for today
from Muppet Labs.

- Timber!
- [crashing]

[♪ My Wild Irish Rose]

♪ My wild Irish rose ♪

[growling]

Uh... Wait, wait...
[screaming]

[Kermit] Stand by
for Rita's number.

Woodland animals on stage,
please.

[humming]
Oh, what a nice stole.

Hello, Miss Piggy.

- Oh. Ahem. Hello, Annabel.
- You look so beautiful today.

Of course I do.

Now, what'll it be?
One Weight Watchers special?

I shall see the menu,
s'il vous plait.

The name's Gladys.

Well, Gladys,
I shall have, let me see...

A watercress sandwich
on whole wheat

and four ounces
of rhubarb juice.

One fatso special!

Oh, and what will
we have for you, dear?

Well, I'm not
really hungry,

but I'll have a
chocolate milkshake,

a hamburger with French fries
on the side

and apple pie with cream.

- One kamikaze special!
- Oh, what a cute name.

[chuckles] Yes, isn't
that sweet, all that food?

- [shrieks]
- [objects clattering]

I'm sorry.

And now, a Muppets news flash.

This is an update
on the Henderson burglary.

Police have recovered
all the stolen property except the silverware.

It has disappeared
into thin air.

- Excusez-moi, Kermie.
- Not right now, Miss Piggy.

I have to go introduce
Rita Coolidge.

I just wanted to mention

that Mr. Kristofferson and Miss
Coolidge are happily married.

- Uh, yeah, I know.
- Mm-hmm.

It... It shows
you can combine

show business careers
and marriage.

Well, I suppose
it does, yes.

You know, we both have
show business careers.

- That's true.
- Mm-hmm.

Need I say more?

Miss Piggy, I really have to
go introduce Rita Coolidge.

Yes, dear. I just wanted
you to think about it.

I don't have time
to think about it.

Maybe six months
in the hospital

will give you
more time to think.

I... I will
think about it.

Thank you.

And now, here she is,
our second very special guest,

a lovely lady with a beautiful
voice and a wonderful song,

- Miss Rita Coolidge.
- [applause]

[♪ We're All Alone]

♪ Outside, the rain begins ♪

♪ And it may never end ♪

♪ So cry no more
on the shore ♪

♪ A dream will take us
out to sea ♪

♪ Forevermore ♪

♪ Forevermore ♪

♪ Close the window
Calm the light ♪

♪ And it will be all right ♪

♪ No need to bother now ♪

♪ Let it out
Let it all begin ♪

♪ Learn how to pretend ♪

- [vocalizing]
- ♪ Once a story's told ♪

♪ It can't help but grow old ♪

♪ Roses do, lovers too ♪

♪ So cast your seasons
to the wind ♪

♪ And hold me, dear ♪

♪ Oh, hold me, dear ♪

♪ Close the window
Calm the light ♪

♪ And it will be all right ♪

♪ No need to bother now ♪

♪ Let it out
Let it all begin ♪

♪ All's forgotten now ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ My love ♪

[plays piano riff]

- Very nice.
- Thank you.

Ahem. I take great pride
in introducing

the charming 18th century
romantic ballad,

A Frog He Would
A-Wooing Go.

Go.

[♪ A Frog He Would A-Wooing Go]

♪ A frog he would a-wooing go ♪

♪ Hey, ho, said Rowley ♪

♪ Whether his mother
would let him or no ♪

♪ With a Rowley roly
gammon or spinach ♪

- ♪ Hey, ho
said Anthony Rowley ♪ - [humming]

- Hmm. Beautiful.
- Thank you.

Next verse.

♪ He came to sweep
Miss Mousey's hall ♪

♪ Hey, ho, said Rowley ♪

♪ He gave a loud knock
He gave a loud call ♪

♪ With a Rowley poly
gammon and spinach ♪

- ♪ Hey, ho
says Anthony Rowley ♪ - [mutters in tune]

- Charming.
- Thank you. Next verse.

♪ But while they there
were merry making ♪

♪ Hey, ho, said Rowley ♪

♪ A cat and her kittens
came tumbling in ♪

♪ With a Rowley poly
gammon and spinach ♪

[both] ♪ Hey, ho
said Anthony Rowley ♪

Oh, yes.
Sheer poetry, isn't it?

I think I'd like it more
if I understood the words.

Oh, well, which words?

Well, let's start with
"A frog he would a-wooing go."

A-ha! Uh, yes, that.

This shows us
that there was a time

when frogs, indeed,
used to go "woo."

Frogs don't go "woo, woo."
They go "ribbit."

Only very recently.

"Hey, ho,
said Anthony Rowley."

Ah, oh, yes.
Oh, that one.

The precise meaning
of the expression "hey, ho"

is lost in antiquity.

You won't find
any modern rubbish here.

What about "Rowley poly
gammon and spinach"?

- Oh, yes, yes, yes.
- What's that?

- That's rubbish.
- That's what I thought.

[plays ending riff]

[applause]

Why are they clapping?

Hey, Rita, we gotta talk
about something. You alone?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Sure I'm sure, Kris.
You don't see anybody, do you?

No, but around here
it doesn't make any difference.

Everything on this show
walks and talks.

Animals, vegetables.

[voice] Don't forget
about the minerals.

You heard me, buster!

[thumping]

Uh, would you mind leaving
us alone for a while, please?

Oh, sure thing. Come on, g*ng.
They want to be alone.

- [murmuring]
- Let's go wait in the hall.

- [door closes]
- Rita, this is a very weird show.

Yes. That was
a little strange,

but I think you'll find most of
the Muppets are pretty normal.

Uh, Miss Piggy, Fozzie,
Scooter, Kermit.

- Hi. Hi.
- What about this one?

- Hello, Gonzo.
- Hi.

Say, how about
a couple of autographs?

- Sure, I'll get a pen for you.
- You don't have to.

I already signed them.

You're giving us
your autographs.

Yeah. They're really
valuable now

since my piano-balancing act.

- But, uh, Gonzo, you fell.
- I know!

A lot of people
think I'm dead now.

Isn't that terrific?

[♪ New York State of Mind]

♪ Some folks like to get away ♪

♪ Take a holiday
from the neighborhood ♪

♪ Hop a flight to Miami Beach
or to Hollywood ♪

♪ But I'm taking a Greyhound
on the Hudson River line ♪

♪ I'm in a New York
state of mind ♪

♪ It was so easy
living day by day ♪

♪ Out of touch
with the rhythm and blues ♪

♪ Now I need
a little give and take ♪

♪ The New York Times ♪

♪ The Daily News ♪

♪ Come down to reality ♪

♪ And it's fine with me
'cause I've let it slide ♪

♪ Don't care if it's Chinatown
or round at Riverside ♪

♪ I don't have any reasons ♪

♪ Left them all behind ♪

♪ I'm in a New York
state of mind ♪

♪ I'm in a New York
state of mind ♪

- [scat singing]
- [applause]

Well, I didn't think
I'd live to see it,

but, for once,
they've given us

something other than
second-rate entertainment.

- What's that?
- Third-rate entertainment.

[playing For Me and My Gal]

Mm-mmm-mmm!

That was mighty fine, Gladys.
My compliments to the chef.

- Hey, he says he liked it.
- Who you talking to?

The short order cook.

This place takes itself
so literally.

Of course it does. Hey, you
want to see our apple turnover?

- Sure.
- Hey, apple, turn over!

Hii-yup!

Hey, I might just
slide by later

and take a look
at the salad dressing.

Hey, what about Animal?
He hasn't ordered yet.

Nah, it's OK.
He just finished a TV dinner.

- Did he remember to thaw it?
- Thaw it?

[Animal munching]

- He didn't even unplug it!
- [electricity crackling]

TV dinner! TV dinner!

[♪ Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee
(An Actor's Life For Me)]

♪ Hi-diddle-dee-dee
An actor's life for me ♪

♪ A high silk hat
and a silver cane ♪

♪ A watch of gold
with a diamond chain ♪

♪ Hi-diddle-dee-doo
You sleep till after two ♪

♪ You promenade
with a big cigar ♪

♪ You tour the world
in a private car ♪

♪ You dine on
chicken and caviar ♪

♪ An actor's life for me ♪

- OK, what happens now?
- Now comes the funny part.

Well, leaving the stage

is funnier than a lot
of things the bear does.

OK, now, ask me what
I'm carrying the fish for.

Oh, Fozzie, what are you
carrying the fish for?

Oh, just for the halibut.

Eh, you were better off
leaving the stage.

- Ha!
- [splash]

♪ Hi-diddle-dee-dee
An actor's life for me ♪

♪ A high silk hat
and a silver cane ♪

♪ A watch of gold
with a diamond chain ♪

♪ Hi-diddle-dee-doo
You sleep till after two ♪

Hey, Fozzie,
this number needs help.

No, it doesn't,
it needs scenery!

Oh, it's wonderful scenery,
but is it funny?

OK, now, ask me what
I'm carrying the hoop for.

Oh, Fozzie, what are you
carrying the hoop for?

Ah, because Statler and Waldorf
always say the show is hoopless.

- Just for the halibut.
- Keep trying.

Oh, boy.

♪ Hi-diddle-dee-dee
An actor's life for me ♪

♪ A high silk hat
and a silver cane ♪

♪ A watch of gold
with a diamond chain ♪

♪ Hi-diddle-dee-doo
You sleep till after two ♪

♪ You promenade
with a big cigar ♪

♪ You tour the world
in a private car ♪

♪ You dine on
chicken and caviar ♪

♪ An actor's life for me ♪

♪ An actor's life for me! ♪

Well, we've heard
one of our guest stars,

and then we've heard
the other one.

Now, let's put them together
and see what happens.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kris
Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge.

[♪ A Song I'd Like To Sing]

♪ There's a song
I'd like to sing ♪

♪ Do you know
the song I mean? ♪

♪ It don't always
sound the same ♪

♪ But it's always
good to sing ♪

♪ Anyone can say the words ♪

♪ Anyone can sing the tune ♪

♪ If you take a little time ♪

♪ I can teach
this song to you ♪

♪ And we can
get to know each other ♪

♪ Like a
sister and a brother ♪

♪ Like a
father and a mother ♪

♪ Like a woman and a man ♪

♪ We can sing along together ♪

♪ Just enjoy until it's over ♪

♪ It don't need
to last forever ♪

♪ But if we
want it to, it can ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ Maybe it don't mean a thing ♪

♪ But it's a
pretty little tune ♪

♪ It's a song I like to sing ♪

♪ That I love
to sing with you ♪

- [trilling]
- ♪ Arriba! ♪

- [whooping]
- ♪ Cha, cha, cha! ♪

[applause]

Well, we've just about come down
to the end of another one.

Before we go,
let us have a warm thank you

for our very special guest stars

Kris Kristofferson
and Rita Coolidge.

Thanks for having us, Kermit.
It was a lot of fun.

- Oh, good.
- Yeah. Kermit, where's Gonzo?

- Gonzo. Oh, he was, uh...
- [clucking]

- Oh, Gonzo.
- Shh! I'm only pretending.

My autographs
will be worth a fortune.

Gonzo!

What?!

Good night! We'll see you
next time on The Muppet Show!

You know, they can
improve the whole show

if they just
change the ending.

- How?
- Put it closer to the beginning.