03x03 - Roy Clark

[bunniefuu]

[knocking]

Roy, oh, Roy Clark? Fifteen
seconds to curtain, Mr. Clark.

Thank you, buddy. And, by
the way, I've got a question.

I've got the cowboy suit
I'm supposed to be wear,

- but where's the chaps?
- Hello, hello, hello.

We're the pair of chaps
you asked to pop around.

Hello, hello, hello.

It's a far cry from Oklahoma.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with
our very special guest star,

- Roy Clark! Yay!
- [applause]

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

- Hey! Somebody k*ll that light.
- [g*nf*re]

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational
inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪

[wheezing]

Three times!

Thank you, thank you and welcome
again to The Muppet Show.

Our show is going country
tonight because our

special guest is
one of the world's greatest

country music stars,
Mr. Roy Clark.

- And...
- To the country. Let's go.

Everybody... Kermit,
get dressed. To the country!

Wait, I said the show
was going country,

just because
Roy Clark is our guest.

One of my
favorite performers.

I didn't mean it would
actually be alfresco.

Oh, he's good too.

Excuse me. I thought you should
know the stagehands aren't here.

Hmm, yeah, yeah. I sent
'em off to the country, yeah.

But, Fozzie,
the show is staying here.

But they're in the country
waiting for us.

- No!
- You said the show was going country.

- We gotta do the show here.
- Don't shout, I'm just a bear.

You can't send the
stagehands to the country.

I am doing the best I can.
Who's gonna shift the scenery?

- Fozzie!
- What?

You are going
to shift the scenery.

I am gonna
shift the scenery?

Fozzie?

I am gonna
shift the scenery.

[stuttering] I'm sorry
about that, folks. Uh...

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the multitudinously talented,
Mr. Roy Clark.

- What do I here?
- Open the curtains!

Yes, sir,
yes, sir, yes.

[up-tempo music]

[♪ Rocky Top ]

♪ Rocky Top, you'll always be ♪

♪ Home sweet home to me ♪

♪ Good ol' Rocky Top ♪

♪ Rocky Top, Tennessee ♪

♪ Rocky Top, Tennessee ♪

♪ Rocky Top, Tennessee... ♪

♪ ...eee ♪

- [shouting]
- [applause]

- I wonder how they do that.
- Do what?

Man, that Roy Clark
sure is a numerous person.

Boy, you can say that again.

[stammers] How...
How does he do that?

- Fozzie.
- Oh, yes, sir.

There's not a stagehand
in the theater, thanks to you.

Ah, thank you,
you're welcome.

Listen, listen, Fozzie.

You got us into this mess.
You are responsible for it.

- If anything goes
wrong here, Fozzie! - Yes, sir?

You are fired!

[stammering] Fired?!

Oh, no. Oh.
My nerves are sh*t.

Still... [chuckles]
what could go wrong?

I mean, the, uh,
the stage is set.

- The star has arrived.
- Psst, Fozzie.

- Audience is happy.
- The theater's on fire.

The theater's on fire.

The theater's on fire?!

Oh! [coughing]

[indistinct singing]

[speaking mock Swedish]

[spoon clatters]

[dough roaring]

Roll the dough.

- [dough growling]
- [unintelligible]

Hey, let go. Hey, let...

[dough] Yah!

Ah, ah, fire! Fire!

- Chef, fire! Fire!
- Fozzie.

- Oh.
- What's going on?

Oh, hi.
Uh, nothing.

I was just saying
that, uh,

I'm glad nothing else is
going wrong or I'd get fired.

What's all this smoke?
[sniffs]

Uh, that's not smoke.

- It's not smoke?
- No, no.

Then what is it?

- Jet exhaust.
- Jet exhaust?

I, I... Just what
I was going to say. Yes. Yes.

Oh, look out,
here comes another one. Duck.

[makes engine sound]

- You OK? You OK?
- What was that?

Oh, boy,
that was a close one.

Those planes
get lower every day.

- Uh, I didn't see any plane.
- Yeah, they get faster too.

Boy, oh, boy.
Listen.

You go tell Roy Clark
to keep his head down, OK?

- All right.
- I'll phone the airport. Another one!

- What? What?!
- Get down.

Hello, operator?

[stuttering] How soon
can you get me the, uh,

the fire department?

That soon, huh?

[male announcer]
And now, Pigs in Space!

When we last left
the rocket ship Swinetrek,

it was drifting aimlessly
in space due to a

power failure
in the control panel.

- [Miss Piggy gasping]
- Oh, First Mate Piggy.

If Dr. Strangepork
can't restore power to the control panel,

- we'll marooned
in space forever. - Oh, no.

Well, look at
the bright side, my dear.

At least you will spend
the rest of your days with me.

That's the bright side?

Well, I fixed
the control panel.

Oh, that's wonderful,
doctor.

Yeah, it was faulty wiring.

Hmm, nice work,
Dr. Strangepork.

Oh, it was nothing, Link.

Actually, I just used some vials
from the electric toaster.

Hmm. Good thinking.
Here. I'll try it.

[screams]

- Uh-oh.
- That's all right, doctor.

- It's kind of funny.
- Ya.

You see, that's what
you'd call, raising a pig.

Ha, raising a pig.

She has her
ups and downs.

Oh, oh. So, so... So you
think that's funny, huh?

Well, it's
your turn, Linko.

- What?
- Oh!

- Thought you had me,
didn't you? - [groans]

- [grunts]
- [shouts]

Why don't you try
this one right here?

- I am not that stupid.
- Well, then I'll try it.

He was that stupid.

I want my mommy.

Still think it's funny,
bacon brain?

We've gotta get
Dr. Strangepork back.

- I'm not supposed to
be here, right? - Right.

- [both shout]
- What, what happened?

Beaker!

Whoa!

I don't believe that.

I'm not supposed to
be here either, right?

[applause]

[♪ Yesterday When I Was Young ]

♪ Yesterday ♪

♪ When I was young ♪

♪ The taste of life was sweet ♪

♪ As rain upon my tongue ♪

♪ I teased at life ♪

♪ As if it were
a foolish game ♪

♪ The way the evening breeze ♪

♪ May tease a candle flame ♪

♪ The thousand dreams
I dreamed ♪

♪ And the splendid things
I planned ♪

♪ I always built, alas ♪

♪ On weak and shifting sand ♪

♪ I lived by night ♪

♪ And I shunned
the naked light of day ♪

♪ And only now I see ♪

♪ How the years ran away ♪

♪ Yesterday ♪

♪ When I was young ♪

♪ So many happy songs ♪

♪ Were waiting to be sung ♪

♪ So many wild pleasures ♪

♪ Lay in store for me ♪

♪ And so much pain ♪

♪ My dazzled eyes
refused to see ♪

♪ I ran so fast that time ♪

♪ And youth, at last, ran out ♪

♪ I never stopped to think ♪

♪ What life was all about ♪

♪ And every conversation ♪

♪ I can now recall ♪

♪ Concerns itself with me ♪

♪ And nothing else at all ♪

♪ Yesterday ♪

♪ The moon was blue ♪

♪ Every crazy day ♪

♪ Brought something new to do ♪

♪ I used my magic age ♪

♪ As if it were a wand ♪

♪ And never saw all the waste ♪

♪ And emptiness beyond ♪

♪ The game of love I played ♪

♪ With arrogance and pride ♪

♪ And every flame I lit ♪

♪ Too quickly, quickly d*ed ♪

♪ The friends I made ♪

♪ All seemed, somehow
to drift away ♪

♪ Only I am left ♪

♪ On stage to end the play ♪

♪ There are so many songs ♪

♪ In me that won't be sung ♪

♪ I feel the bitter taste ♪

♪ Of tears upon my tongue ♪

♪ The time has come
for me to pay ♪

♪ For yesterday ♪

♪ When I was young ♪

[applause]

[horns trumpet]

Uh, ladies and gentlemen.

There's a, uh,
situation backstage

- you should know about.
- Hey, we're here.

Oh, the firemen.
Oh, yes.

Yeah, yeah,
we're here to audition.

Audition? Where's your
equipment for the fire?

- Hoses, axes?
- Oh, yeah, we brought one of those.

- You've got an axe.
- No, an act.

- An act?
- Yeah, we're the Singing Firemen.

But there's a fire over here.
See these... We are, but listen.

[♪ I Don't Want To Set
The World On Fire ]

♪ I don't want to
set the world ♪

♪ On fire ♪

[Fozzie yells]

♪ I just want to start ♪

♪ A flame in your ♪

- ♪ Heart ♪
- ♪ A flame in your heart ♪

- ♪ In my heart
I have but one desire ♪ - All right, excuse me, guys.

Some people have to
work around here. Excuse me.

- ♪ And that one is you ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ No other will do ♪
- ♪ No other will do ♪

♪ I've lost all ambition ♪

- ♪ For worldly acclaim ♪
- [Fozzie coughs]

♪ I just want to be
the one you love ♪

♪ And with your admission
that you feel the same ♪

♪ I'll have reached the goal
I'm dreaming of ♪

♪ Believe me ♪

♪ I don't want to
set the world ♪

♪ On fire ♪

I didn't have to.
It started already.

♪ I just want to
start a flame ♪

- [Fozzie coughs]
- ♪ A flame ♪

- ♪ In your heart ♪
- [chicken clucking]

Don't worry, I'll save you.
I'll save you!

Are you proud of yourselves?

You made this chicken
a nervous wreck.

[applause]

Hey, Roy. That was a
beautiful song you did.

Love the one where you did
all the instruments.

Thank you, but it's
not really that hard.

- I come from a musical family.
- Oh, really?

Sure. My dad plays
and all my uncles.

We used to get together, when
I was a child, and play music.

Wow. How many of those
instruments can you actually play?

Can I actually play,
Kermit? Actually.

Yes?

One out of five'd
be a good average.

One out of five.

But I attempt to play
about seven or eight.

- You did well on that number.
- Thank you.

I loved the trumpet.

I thought, maybe,
you'd bring that up.

- Yes, that was outstanding.
- Uh, outstanding?

I should be out standing in the
field somewhere with my trumpet?

Well, I,
I didn't say that, Roy.

Anyhow, I suppose you're really
just born into show business?

Kind of, but my dad still runs
the farm back in Virginia

where he keeps chickens, and
a lot of times I get to missing

the place,
out traveling all the time.

Well, we could make you
feel right at home,

'cause we keep chickens.

- Really?
- Sure. See there? Mm-hmm.

Kermit, if you keep chickens,
could, uh, you keep these away?

Well, I, uh, uh, yes, I will.
We also keep ducks, you know.

Right there. Mm-hmm.

Uh, you have any soup
to go with these quackers?

Know what kind of joke
we call that in Virginia?

Bad?

- You stepped right in that one.
- Yes, indeed.

Hey, about some pigs, Roy?
Pigs. Pigs? Huh?

- Or even cattle?
- Fantastic.

How many head of cattle
do you have?

Uh, one. Uh,
one head of cow.

I gotta tell you. This is really
like being back on the farm.

- Yeah, isn't it great?
- Sure is. Free eggs,

fried chicken on Sunday.
Bacon for breakfast.

Roast duck at Christmas.

All the ham sandwiches
you can eat.

This place is like a
walk-in lunch counter.

Uh, Roy, it may look
like a luncheon,

but it can soon
turn into a lynching.

Hold it. Wait a minute.
Wait. Hold it.

I was only kidding.
I was kidding!

He was kidding.

[country music plays]

Oh, I hate barn dances.

Only reason I come
is for the door prize.

Well, what's the prize?

A free ticket
to the next barn dance.

You know, my husband
weighs five tons.

Oh, that sounds
like a lot of bull.

It is, darling. It is.

Oh, why don't ya
run away with me?

I can't. I gotta think
of the wife and eggs.

Uh, why is that rooster
winking at your wife?

I think he's trying
to get my goat.

Say, what's your brother-in-law
doing up there?

Oh, he's trying to start
the ceiling fan. It stopped.

- [whirring]
- [chicken clucks]

Looks like he
got it started.

[sneezes]

[all sneezing]

Hey, come on, come on.

Keep those buckets moving.
Come on, guys.

Oh, boy. Remember how
the theater was on fire?

Well, it still is.

- Come on, guys. Faster. Faster.
- Fozzie!

- Oh. Oh, yes, yes, sir.
- What is... What is going on here?

- Going on.
- Where is this smoke coming from?

Smoke, yes. Smoke.
Uh, oh, didn't you get a cigar?

- Cigar?
- Yeah, uh, yes.

- Uh, uh, a cigar for the frog!
- What, what?

Yeah. Tell me,
have you any idea

what it feels like
to be a father?

No, no. Uh-uh.

Pity. I was hoping
you could tell me.

- Uh, Fozzie.
- Oh.

I want an explanation.

Oh, dear, yes.
I was afraid of that.

Um, explanation.
Uh, Chef, Chef. Chef, come here.

Explain to the frog
all the things here. Explain.

- What?
- [speaking mock Swedish]

[all chatter]

What's going...
No, no I want water.

- Will you stop that?
- [Chef continues unintelligible]

Give me the bucket. No,
I want a full bucket, you fool.

Will you get away from me?
Will you stop crying?

Uh, uh, uh, OK.
Uh, whatever.

Anyhow, ladies and gentlemen.

Uh, in his premiere presentation
of immortal perfection,

otherwise known
as rank stupidity.

Uh, the, the Great Gonzo
will yodel Rimsky-Korsakov

while riding on
a motorized pogo stick.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Gonzo!

Howdy, hi!
Thank you very much.

Hold on to your socks,
here it comes!

[yodeling]

[shouting]

- [jackhammer sounds]
- [Gonzo shouting]

Gonzo? Uh. Hey, we can't
have a hole in the stage.

- Uh, uh, Fozzie, carpenter.
- Carpenter coming. Yes, sir.

- Hole in the stage.
- Where's the hole?

- Uh, right over there.
- Oh, there. Yes, sir. Oh, boy.

- Take the lights off the stage.
- Yes, sir. Scooter, lights off!

- Oh, boy.
- Fozzie. Now I can't see a thing.

- Where are you?
- Uh, I'm over here by the hole.

I'll follow the sound of your...
[shout fades]

Oh, no. Oh, Kermit,
are you hurt?

I, uh, not too bad.
I landed on Gonzo.

Oh, I'll do the intro.

Uh, Scooter, lights.

Oh, boy. Uh, ladies and
gentlemen, Mr. Roy Clark.

Curtains!
Oh, that's me. Oh, oh.

[♪ Sally Was A Good Old Girl ]

♪ Sally used to carry
my books to school ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ She helped me with my
homework, 'cause I was a fool ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ And if you wanted a kiss
or a little bitty squeeze ♪

♪ She was always willing
and do her best to please ♪

♪ A girl made to love
and not made to tease ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ No matter what the request
she gave it her best ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ Her folks were poor
so she helped all she could ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ She was the hardest working
girl in the whole neighborhood ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ She'd walk up and down
the streets all day ♪

♪ Selling neckties
to the ones who could pay ♪

♪ But if they couldn't afford
'em, then she'd give 'em away ♪

♪ Sally was a
good old girl ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ No matter what the request
she gave it her best ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

[all clucking]

♪ She was a favorite
with all the men ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ And all the ladies
despised her then ♪

♪ But Sally was a
good old girl ♪

♪ All the ladies talked about
her, but Sally didn't care ♪

♪ She just kept on a-working
and a-doing her share ♪

♪ She wound up married
to a millionaire ♪

♪ 'Cause Sally was a
good old girl ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ No matter what the request
she gave her best ♪

- ♪ Gotta tell ya 'bout Sally ♪
- ♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

- ♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪
- ♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

- ♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪
- ♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

♪ No matter what the request
she gave her best ♪

♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪

OK. Well, that just about
wraps up tonight's show.

I must say,
I know how it feels.

Kermit, Kermit.
Please don't fire me.

Oh, beg, grovel,
plead, please.

- OK. OK, OK.
- Thank you.

Listen, I'm really sorry about,
you know, the stagehands

- and the hole in the floor.
- The hole, yeah.

And, oh, and the fire,
and the rest of it.

Fire?
We had a fire here?

No.

- Huh?
- Uh, I mean, uh... Well, at least, yes.

A cute,
little small one.

- Fozzie!
- Oh, please.

You wouldn't hit a bear in front
of a guest star, would you?

What does that
have to do with anything?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Roy Clark!

Roy Clark. Yeah!

Roy Clark, yes. Yes.

- Whoo!
- Oh, wow.

Yes! Yes!

You are one hot fiddle player.
What is your secret?

Just a hot fiddle.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

[all shouting indistinctly]

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

Up here! Roy!

I thought, for once,
the show really caught fire.

I thought it burnt itself out,
same as always.