03x04 - Gilda Radner

[bunniefuu]

[knocking on door]

Gilda Radner, Gilda Radner.

Thirty seconds to curtain,
Miss Radner.

Well, Scooter, what's all
this fuss I keep hearing about me doing

The Muffin Show? I mean,
what kind of a show is it about muffins?

Why, the next thing you know,
they'll have me do a show with rye bread,

or little, tiny lovely biscuits.

Why, I can't do a show like
that, it's outrageous!

- Excuse me, ma'am.
- What?

It's not The Muffin Show.
It's The Muppet Show.

Ooh... Well, that's
very different.

Never mind.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show

with our special guest star,
Gilda Radner.

Yeah!

[applause and whistles]

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

I always get butterflies
before a show.

- Not this time.
- Aah!

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational
inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪

[foghorn sounds]

[applause]

Thank you, thank you
and welcome, again,

to The Muppet Show.

Hey, tonight, we have
with us one of America's

brightest young comedienne's,
Miss Gilda Radner!

But first, let us take a moment
to consider the folk music

of the North American Eskimo.

Here is a traditional lullaby

from beyond the Antarctic
Circle... or somewhere.

[♪ Lullaby on Broadway ]

♪ Come on along
and listen to ♪

♪ The lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ Hip hip hooray and ballyhoo ♪

♪ The lullaby of Broadway ♪

- ♪ The rumble of
the subway train ♪ - ♪ A ding, a ding ♪

- ♪ The rattle of the taxis ♪
- ♪ A ding, a ding, a ding ♪

- ♪ The daffodils
who entertain ♪ - ♪ A ding, a ding ♪

♪ At Angelo's and Maxie's ♪

♪ When a Broadway baby
says goodnight ♪

♪ It's early in the morning ♪

♪ Manhattan babies
don't sleep tight ♪

♪ Until the dawn ♪

♪ Goodnight, baby ♪

♪ Goodnight ♪

♪ Milkman's on his way ♪

♪ Sleep tight, baby ♪

♪ Sleep tight ♪

- ♪ Let's call it a day ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪

- ♪ Come on along
and listen to ♪ - ♪ A ding, a ding ♪

- ♪ The lullaby of Broadway ♪
- ♪ A ding, a ding, a ding ♪

- ♪ A hi-dee-ho
and boopa doo ♪ - ♪ A ding, a ding ♪

♪ You'll sleep all day ♪

♪ Goodnight, baby ♪

♪ Goodnight ♪

♪ Milkman's on his way ♪

♪ Sleep tight, baby ♪

♪ Sleep tight ♪

♪ Let's call it a day ♪

Hey, Norton, I don't think
this is 42nd street.

♪ Listen to the lullaby ♪

- ♪ Of old Broadway ♪
- ♪ A ding, a ding ♪

♪ A ding, a ding
A ding, a ding

♪ A ding, a ding, a ding ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

[applause and cheering]

Weird, why did they
want the igloo?

- What?
- Why did they want the igloo?

Well, maybe someone
broke their "ig."

[chuckles]

OK, OK. Do Eskimos
have chickens?

Good number,
but move it, move it, move it!

I can't. I've got a broken ig.

- Ah... It's Gilda Radner.
- [applause]

Hi, Kermit.

- Hi there.
- Listen, Kermit, I want to really thank you

for letting me do
the operetta number.

I love operetta, and no one's
ever given me a chance to do one before.

Oh, well, you're welcome.

- Have you got my parrot?
- Your what?

My parrot. My seven-foot-tall
talking parrot.

A seven-foot-tall
talking parrot?

Right. I wrote you
in the letter.

Well, well, I got your letter,
but I couldn't quite read your handwriting.

A parrot?

Well, what'd you think
I asked for?

I... I wasn't really sure.

I thought it was a...
Never mind.

[door slams]

Must I share my dressing room
with the other vegetables?

A seven foot tall
talking carrot?

Watch it, lady, I'm a star.

I sang the hit song from Cole.

- Cole? Cole Porter?
- Coleslaw.

They paid him a huge celery.

Now she's stealing my jokes.

Well, I have to do something.
I don't have an opening number now.

- Why not?
- Well, I was going to do

selections from
The Parrots of Penzance.

The Parrots of Penzance?

Yeah, well it's better
than The Carrots of Penzance.

Come on, vitamin brains.

Ker... Ker... Ker... Kermit.

Gilda Radner and a
seven-foot-tall talking carrot?

Well, I introduce 'em.
I don't explain 'em.

Uh... A few performers are
brave or foolhardy enough

to tackle the blinding
complexity of the following musical number,

but here she is, tempting fate,
Miss Gilda Radner.

[♪ tune of I Am the Very Model ]

♪ I am the very model
of a modern Major-General

♪ I've information, vegetable
animal and mineral

♪ I know the kings of England
and I quote the fights hysteric ♪

- ♪ From Alahoo to... ♪ [hums]
- Hold it. Hold it.

Maestro, please.
You blew it, my child.

Never send a girl in
to do a carrot's work.

Ooh, if I knew a 12-foot rabbit,
you'd really be in trouble.

Why don't we try
an easy one, hmm?

Maestro, please.

[♪ tune of When a Felon's Not
Engaged in his Employment ]

- ♪ When a carrot's not
engaged in his employment ♪ - ♪ His employment ♪

- ♪ Or maturing his
felonious little plans ♪ - ♪ Little plans ♪

- ♪ His capacity
for innocent enjoyment ♪ - ♪ ...cent enjoyment ♪

- ♪ Is just as great
as any honest man ♪ - ♪ Honest man ♪

- ♪ Our feelings
we with difficulty smother ♪ - ♪ ...culty smother ♪

- ♪ When our vegetary
duty's to be done ♪ - ♪ To be done ♪

- ♪ I'll take one
consideration with another ♪ - ♪ With another ♪

♪ A carrots lot
is not a happy one ♪

[all] ♪ Aah! ♪

Wait a minute.
Who are these guys?

They're my back-up group.
They travel with me everywhere.

What have you got? A
chauffeur-driven shopping cart?

Why don't you just stand back
and let me show you how it's done.

[♪ tune of I Am the Very Model ]

♪ I am the very model
of a modern Major-General ♪

♪ I've information,
vegetation, animable... ♪ Oh...

Hold it, hold it.
See, you didn't make it either.

- Maybe I didn't
want to make it. - [muttering]

Why don't you sing, Gilda?

[♪ tune of Poor Wand'ring One ]

♪ Poor wand'ring one ♪

♪ Though thou hast
surely strayed ♪

♪ Take heart of grace ♪

♪ Thy steps, retrace ♪

♪ Poor wand'ring one! ♪

♪ Poor wand'ring one ♪

♪ If such poor love as mine ♪

♪ Can help me find ♪

♪ True peace of mind ♪

♪ Why, take it, it is... ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ It is thine ♪

Here we go!

[♪ I Am the Very Model ]

♪ I am the very model
of a modern Major-General

♪ I've information, vegetable
animal and mineral ♪

- ♪ Know the kings of England ♪
- ♪ I quote the fights historical ♪

♪ From Marathon to Waterloo
in order categorical ♪

♪ In m*llitary knowledge, though
I'm plucky and adventury ♪

♪ Has only been brought down to
the beginning of the century ♪

- ♪ But still
in matters vegetable ♪ - ♪ Animal and mineral ♪

♪ I am the very model
of a modern Major-General

♪ But still in matters
vegetable, animal and mineral ♪

♪ I am the very model
of a modern Major-General ♪

[applause]

You know, usually operetta music
puts me right to sleep.

- [snoring]
- You too, huh?

Uh... Ladies and gentlemen,
a Muppet melodrama.

- [laughing]
- Help! Oh...

And now, for the last time,
my little peach pie,

will you marry me?

- [audience boos]
- Drop dead!

I think that might be my line,
my dear.

Oh, where, oh, where is my hero?

[grunting]

I said...
Where, oh, where is my hero?

- Here I am, my precious.
- [audience cheers]

Sorry I was late.

I had to change the bus
across town, and the traffic was terrible.

Never mind, just get me
out of here.

- Say! I know those boots!
- Hmm?

Weren't you a flamenco dancer
in Kansas City?

- Why, yes, I was.
- Harry's Boom Boom Room?

- You've caught my act?
- Huh.

I never could figure out
how you did that passe double thing, though.

Paso doble.

Oh, quite simple,
my boy, quite simple.

- Music, maestro, please.
- [Miss Piggy] Music?

[fast-tempo music playing]

What? Hey, hey!
Cool it up there!

[speaking Spanish]

...a little flourish!

- [Miss Piggy] Watch it!
- A-ha!

- You mean, like this?
- Whoo-hoo! Oh, there!

- Easy! Down, boy.
- A-ha!

- Almost, almost. More like...
- [Miss Piggy] Hey!

- Oh!
- Hey, wait... Hey!

- [Miss Piggy screams]
- [crashes]

[Miss Piggy] I suppose
you think that's funny!

I think you might well start
with a new pair of' boots.

All right, Muppaphones, move it,
move it, move it, move it.

How am I doing? Any better?

Yes. Yes, you're getting it,
you're getting it.

Yeah? Well, you're both
gonna get it. Hi-yah!

- [laughing]
- Hi-yah!

Whoa!

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
it is time, once again,

for a return engagement of
the incomparable Marvin Suggs.

I say "incomparable"
because I can't imagine

anything to compare him to.

Anyway, here he is with
his Muppaphone, Marvin Suggs!

Gracias, gracias, gracias.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hi-yah! Yes, I am
the beloved Marvin Suggs,

and these are my Muppaphones...

- Move it, move it, move it!
- You're so strict.

Silencio. And now...

- Virginia and Stan... exchange.
- [both squeak]

Sorry I'm late,
I couldn't get a parking space.

Who cares?!

Thank you, thank you!

And now, we will play
and sing for you...

...the beloved
old ballad, Witch Doctor.

Oh, but I just had my hair done.

Shut up!

Thank you! Maestro!

[♪ Witch Doctor ]

♪ I told the witch doctor
I was in love with you ♪

♪ I told the witch doctor
I was in love with you ♪

♪ And then the witch doctor
he told me what to do ♪

- ♪ He say ♪
- ♪ Ooh! ♪

- ♪ Ee! ♪
- ♪ Ooh! ♪

- ♪ Ah! Ah!
- ♪ Ting tang ♪

- ♪ Walla walla ♪
- ♪ Bing bang ♪

- ♪ Ooh! Ee! ♪
- ♪ Ooh! ♪

- ♪ Ah! Ah! ♪
- ♪ Ting tang ♪

- ♪ Walla walla ♪
- ♪ Bing bang ♪

Thank you! Thank you!
Second verse!

♪ My friend, the witch doctor
He taught me what to say ♪

♪ My friend, the witch doctor
He taught me what to do ♪

♪ I know that you'll be mine
when I say this to you ♪

- ♪ When I say ♪
- ♪ Ooh! ♪

- ♪ Ee! ♪
- ♪ Ooh! ♪

- ♪ Ah! Ah! ♪
- ♪ Ting tang ♪

- ♪ Walla walla ♪
- ♪ Bing bang ♪

- ♪ Ooh! ♪
- ♪ Ee! Ooh! ♪

- ♪ Ah! Ah! ♪
- ♪ Ting tang ♪

- ♪ Walla walla ♪
- ♪ Bing bang ♪

Modulate!

- ♪ Ooh! ♪
- ♪ Ee! ♪

- ♪ Ooh! ♪
- ♪ Ah! Ah! ♪

♪ Ting tang ♪

- ♪ Walla walla ♪
- ♪ Bing bang ♪

- ♪ Ooh! Ee! ♪
- ♪ Ooh! Ah! Ah! ♪

- ♪ Ting tang ♪
- ♪ Walla walla ♪

♪ Bing bang ♪

♪ I told the witch doctor... ♪

[orchestra dwindles]

I told you never to tell anyone!

[muttering]

[♪ The Bird on Nellie's Hat ]

♪ Every Saturday
Willie got his pay ♪

♪ Then he'd call on Nellie ♪

♪ Trousers neatly pressed
and nice, white vest ♪

♪ Button holed bouquet
as well ♪

♪ On Nellie's little hat
there was a little bird ♪

- ♪ That little bird
knew quite a lot ♪ - ♪ It did, upon my word ♪

♪ And in its quiet way
it had a lot to say ♪

♪ As the lovers
strolled along ♪

♪ I'll be your little honey
I can promise that ♪

♪ Said Nellie as she
rolled her dreamy eyes ♪

♪ It's a shame
to take the money ♪

♪ Said the bird on
Nellie's hat

♪ Last night she said the same
to Jimmy Wise ♪

♪ Then to Nellie
Willy whispered as they fondly kissed ♪

♪ I bet that you were
never kissed like that! ♪

♪ Well, you don't know
Nellie like I do ♪

♪ Said the saucy little bird
on Nellie's hat ♪

- ♪ Oh, it's twelve o'clock ♪
- ♪ Said Willie as he took her home ♪

♪ Now, I bet you're never
out as late as that. Hmm? ♪

♪ Well, you don't know
Nellie like I do ♪

♪ Said the saucy little bird
on Nellie's hat ♪

♪ Autumn came along ♪

♪ Love's young dream
gone wrong ♪

♪ Will went 'round to call ♪

♪ Servant with a grin said ♪

♪ She's not in, Nellie's
gone away, that's all ♪

♪ Poor Willie's heart was broke
His life seemed all in vain ♪

♪ Until upon 5th Avenue
he met his Nell again ♪

- ♪ Said he ♪
- ♪ We meet once more ♪

- ♪ She said ♪
- ♪ Love's dream is o'er ♪

♪ But we can still
be real good friends ♪

♪ And I'll keep your presents
honey just for old times sake ♪

♪ Said Nellie as she
rolled her dreamy eyes ♪

♪ She's fixed him
good and plenty ♪

♪ Said the bird
on Nellie's hat ♪

♪ Oh, really, Willie
when will you be wise? ♪

♪ Yes, but how about the
diamond engagement ring ♪

- ♪ Of course ♪
- ♪ Said Willie ♪

♪ You'll return me that ♪

♪ Oh, brother ♪

♪ Said the saucy little bird
on Nellie's hat ♪

[applause]

Oh. [clears throat]

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,
here at Muppet Labs,

where the future
is being made, today.

And here with me,
is the lovely Miss Gilda Radner.

Thank you, Dr. Honeydew.

Today we have an amazing
demonstration.

And Gilda here has
graciously volunteered

to be our human
guinea pig.

I have?

Good. That's settled then.
[clears throat]

Oh, I shall need you,
too, Beaker.

- [muttering]
- Come on in here.

Now we're ready to begin.

Listen, Dr. Honeydew,
you said "assistant."

I never heard you
say the word "guinea pig."

Just put your head down here,
so Dr. Honey can work on you.

Well, I don't mind assisting,

but I'm not crazy about
the idea of guinea pigging.

There we go. Blink.

There.

I have just placed
on Gilda's forehead,

a single teensy weensy drop

of Muppet's new Super Adhesive.

Now we'll wait a moment
for it to get tacky.

- What are we waiting for?
- For it to get tacky.

- Another first on this show.
- How's that?

It's the first time we've had
to wait for it to get tacky.

And, with that
single drop of glue,

I shall stick this rope
to Gilda's forehead,

and then Beaker and I
shall haul on the rope,

thus lifting Miss Radner
bodily off the floor.

No, no, no. Wait a minute.

That's OK, Gilda-poo,
that's all right

Now, Beaker,
I hope you're feeling fit.

- That's good.
- [grunting]

OK... Oh!

Uh... Oh, there was
glue on the rag.

- Maybe it says
something about a... - [hollering]

- Oh, wait!
- Oh, no, wait. Don't squeeze that tube!

I'm sorry... What do we do now?

- [screeching]
- Let me consult my notes.

Oh, you're stuck! Oh, wait a
minute, Beaker, I'll help you.

- Wait a minute. [grunting]
- [screeching]

Whoa!

It wasn't meant to go this way.

That's all for now
from Muppet Labs.

- Beaker!
- [all shouting]

[chuckling] Well, that must be
the glue, all right.

- Well, what glue is that?
- The one they mend the "ig" with!

Yeah, well, OK. Here she comes
now, Mr. Scribbler.

I'll ask her.
Oh, Gilda.

A reporter would like to know,
"What is the secret of your success?"

Kermit, can I talk
to you for a second?

I guess you can just say
that she has stuck with it.

In the little time I've known
her, she's really cemented our friendship.

I've heard of close friends,
but this is ridiculous.

- [shrieks]
- [stuttering] OK, well, bye-bye.

Hey, guys, get on stage!
The intro!

- Oh, oh, help.
- Kermie, my sweet.

Piggy, not right now.
I'm stuck on the phone...

Literally.

- Oh, Kermie,
all this work and worry... - Oh, Piggy don't touch me.

- Oh, Froggy-poo.
- Now I'm stuck on you!

Oh, at last, my frog wants me!

Thank you! Oh... Oh...

Will you let... Will you let...
Get away from me!

What is this?

Zoot, my fingers
are glued to the piano.

[warbling] I can't get my
saxophone out of my mouth.

- Let's get out of here!
- [tones sounding]

Here is a Muppet newsflash.
The great Glue thr*at is over.

The rogue adhesive is under
control, but... Oh, everything is under...

Oh, Kermie-poo.

Piggy, you're putting
all your weight on me.

Hmm. Maybe we shall be
stuck like this forever.

I don't think I can go on
supporting you that long.

Well, if you think
I'm gonna go out and work...

Aah!

- Can we get the band ready?
- Get the band ready.

- Come on, you guys. Piggy...
- What?

Hey, Floyd,
what is Gonzo doing back there?

Oh, he's watching television.

Shouldn't he be further
from the screen?

No... His eyes are
glued to the set. [chuckles]

Oh, my... Aah!

Fozzie, would you introduce
the next number?

Oh, boy...

Uh, hi. We're having a little
trouble back here, but that's OK, that's OK.

Let's just give a great big hand
for our very special guest star.

Oh, no, my hand is stuck...
Uh... Uh... Miss Gilda Radner.

[♪ Tap Your Troubles Away ]

What did you do...?

[Beaker whimpering]

- ♪ Tap ♪
- [tapping]

♪ Your troubles away ♪

♪ You've bounced a big check ♪

♪ Your mom has the vapors ♪

♪ Tap your troubles away ♪

♪ Your car had a wreck ♪

♪ They're serving you papers ♪

♪ When you're the one
that it always rains on ♪

♪ Simply try putting
your Mary Janes on ♪

♪ Your boss
just gave you the axe ♪

♪ There's years of back tax ♪

♪ You simply can't pay ♪

♪ If you're having bad luck ♪

♪ If you seem to get stuck ♪

♪ Make a curtsy
and tap your troubles away ♪

[tapping]

[crashing]

♪ When you need something
to turn your mind off ♪

♪ Why not try tapping
your poor behind off? ♪

♪ Your boat goes
over the falls ♪

♪ The plane you're on stalls ♪

♪ The pilot yells "pray" ♪

♪ When your parachute strap ♪

♪ Is beginning to snap ♪

♪ Smile a big smile
And tap, tap, tap ♪

♪ Your troubles away ♪

♪ When the wolf's
at your door ♪

♪ There's a bluebird
in store ♪

♪ If you glide
'cross the floor ♪

♪ Till your ankles get sore ♪

♪ Just tap
your troubles away! ♪

♪ Your troubles away ♪

♪ Your troubles away ♪

[applause, cheering]

[Kermit] To the left.
To the left.

Keep going, keep going.
A little bit more.

Keep going a little bit more...
To the left.

Hold it, hold it. Too far. Back
a little bit. Back, back, back.

OK, that about does it
for another regular,

nothing out of the ordinary,
everything under control Muppet Show.

And somewhere back amongst us
is our very special guest star.

She's the one behind us here,
Miss Gilda Radner.

[all cheering]

Thanks, Kermit, it's been great.

I just can't seem
to tear myself away.

Yeah, OK.
Well, that's all for now,

we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

- OK, everybody bow.
- [all straining]

[indistinct screaming]

- Goodnight.
- So long.

[both] Oh, no!

[both grunting]