03x08 - Loretta Lynn

[bunniefuu]

- [bell dinging]
- Loretta Lynn?

Loretta Lynn? 15 seconds
to curtain, Miss Lynn.

[applause]

Kermit said you'd meet me here
at the train station.

- Here I am.
- Terrific. Where's the theater?

- Oh, uh, bad news, Loretta.
- What?

We can't use
the Muppet theater tonight.

- Well, what are we going
to use then? - [steam hissing]

Platform two.

It's The Muppet Show with our
very special guest star, Miss Loretta Lynn.

- Music.
- [theme music]

OK, let's got this way,
put this over here. This way.

- Can I see your ticket?
- Huh?

Hey, you know who's conducting?
The conductor.

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on the railroad track tonight ♪

♪ It's time
to make up scenery ♪

♪ Let's hope we do it right ♪

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪

♪ This week's sort
of railroad-stational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show ♪

This is gonna be terrific,
Kermit.

[train whistle blowing]

Thank you, thank you, thank you
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

Our very special guest star
tonight is the most awarded lady in country music,

Miss Loretta Lynn.

But first I think I owe you
an explanation about tonight's show.

You see, the regular Muppet
theater is being fumigated

and we had to find another place
to do the show.

- The only place
we could find was... - Psst. Psst. Kermit. Kermit.

- What is it, Gonzo?
- Better hurry.

There's one coming now.

The only other place we could
find was this deserted...

[train roaring]

...or nearly deserted
train station.

Oh, it's Loretta Lynn.

[applause]

Is it really true we're doing
the show from the station here?

Well, uh, Loretta, that is
a very difficult question.

And, uh, the, uh...

The, uh... Well, the answer
is... yes.

Well, don't worry about it
'cause us country singers can sing anywhere.

Oh. Wonderful. OK, ladies
and gentlemen, here she is.

The most talented and
cooperative of guest stars, Miss Loretta Lynn.

[♪ You're Looking at Country]

♪ Well, I like my lovin'
done country style ♪

♪ And this little girl
would walk a country mile ♪

♪ To find her a good old
slow-talking country boy ♪

♪ I said a country boy ♪

♪ I'm about as old-fashioned
as I can be ♪

♪ So, I hope you're liking
what you see ♪

♪ 'Cause if you're lookin'
at me ♪

♪ You're looking at country ♪

♪ You don't see no city
when you look at me ♪

♪ 'Cause country's all I am ♪

♪ I love running barefooted
through the old corn fields ♪

♪ And I love that country ham ♪

♪ Well, you say I'm a maid
just to fit your plans ♪

♪ But there's a barnyard shovel
fit your hands ♪

♪ If your eyes are on me ♪

♪ You're looking at country ♪

Oh, let's hear it now, boys.

♪ Well, this here country
is a little green ♪

♪ But there's a whole lot of
country that you ain't seen ♪

♪ I'll show you around
if you show me a wedding band ♪

♪ I said a wedding band ♪

♪ When it comes to love,
well, I know about that ♪

♪ Country folks all know
where it's at ♪

- ♪ If you're looking at me ♪
- Yeah, tell 'em.

♪ You're looking at country ♪

♪ Well, you say I'm a maid
just to fit your plans ♪

♪ But there's a barnyard shovel
fit your hands ♪

♪ If your eyes are on me ♪

♪ You're looking at country ♪

- ♪ If your eyes are on me ♪
- [muppet] ♪ Ah-hah! ♪

♪ You're looking at country ♪

- I bought a round trip ticket.
- To where?

To here, stupid.

OK, all right.
Nice number, you guys.

Let's see. What's next?
Tap dancers on stage please.

Abe, Bernie, get out there,
you guys.

- [chickens clucking]
- Will you guys be quiet please?

Where are you going?
You got my coffee cup there.

[cup crashing]

This is never going to work.

- Gonzo!
- Yes, Kermit?

I should never have let you talk
me into doing this show from a railroad depot.

But it was the only
place available.

They were having a tournament
at the bowling alley.

Anyway,
the show's going great.

It's not just the show.
It's backstage here.

I can't use this place here
as an office.

It's not so bad.

I mean, so a train goes by
once in a while.

Who notices?

- [train approaching]
- [both screaming]

Gonzo.

Thank you.

- [sighs]
- I'll find you a quieter place.

- [♪ All Alone]
- [sighs]

♪ All alone ♪

♪ I'm so all alone ♪

- Oh, train on track one!
- Track one!

- I heard him.
- Come on, Mommy. We'll miss the train.

I'm performing. Do you mind?

♪ All alone ♪

♪ By the telephone ♪

Track two.
Track two, everybody.

- Tracking two.
- It's on the other platform.

- We're gonna miss it.
- Track two, track two.

Will you get...

Hold it!

Thank you. Hi-ya!

- [grunting]
- [crashing]

[phone ringing]

Forget it. It's too late now.

Here is a Muppet news flash.

Excuse me.
How much is a Pig News?

Will you get out of here?

Oh, oh.

Deliveries of letters
and parcels may be delayed

as a result of a strike
by mailbag handlers

due to take
effect immediately.

[groaning]

However, delivery of air mail
will continue as normal.

[grunting]

This is a terrific place
for you, Kermit.

You can keep an eye
on the whole show from up here.

At least it's a lot quieter
than the baggage room.

Nobody will bother you here.
This car is out of service.

- You're sure about that?
- Trust me.

All aboard.

[steam hissing]

- Gonzo.
- I better check the timetable.

It's too late for that.

- Scooter? Scooter?
- Boss! Where you going?

- I don't know.
- Pittsburgh.

Scooter, take over for me.

I'll be back as soon as I can.
This is terrible.

I'll say. We have to change
trains in Altoona.

Gonzo!

OK, boss, you can trust me.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here
he is, our own favorite funny furry man...

[Fozzie] Scooter! Scooter!

Please don't introduce me.
I don't have an act ready.

It's all right.
Tell them the joke you told me.

The one about the electricians
and the polar bear.

You liked the one about the
electricians and the polar bear?

It's a masterpiece.
I laughed for days.

Introduce me.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Fozzie Bear!

Hey-ya, hey-ya,
hey-ya, hey-ya.

Did you hear about the
electricians and the polar bear? First of all...

[train passing by]

[train whistle blows]

"No, but the wallpaper
tasted terrific," he said.

[silence]

The polar bear said that.

He didn't... The electrician...
Oh, I'm so lonely.

Well, here's the train depot,
Fred.

Well, let's find the cattle car
and get some sleep.

[ballroom music plays]

You know, for a teenager,
you're very mature.

Well, I've been shaving
for over a year now.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.
I cut myself both times.

You ever seen people dancing
in a train station?

People, yes. Pigs, never.

Uh, who's the most humorless man
in the whole world?

Oh, let's see.
Humorless man...

Uh, I give up. Who?

You are, fathead.

[forced laughter]

I don't get it.

These folks are dancing
and telling jokes.

Well... they're dancing.

Ow! Ow!

- What is it?
- Ow! My feet are k*lling me.

Oh! Ow! Ow!

Gee, I wonder
where Kermit and Gonzo are.

- [clucking]
- I hope they're all right.

Yeah.

Uh, this is ridiculous,
Gonzo.

But at least we found
a stupid handcar.

Kermit, relax with it.

I mean, it's fun. Doesn't this
take you back to the age of railroading?

I just want it to take me back
to the station.

Ah, the romance of it all.

[♪ Sentimental Journey ]

♪ Gonna take
a sentimental journey ♪

I don't believe this.
He's gonna sing?

♪ Gonna make
a sentimental journey ♪

♪ To renew old memories ♪

Forget about renewing your
memories. Worry about renewing your contract.

♪ I've got my bag
I've got my reservation ♪

We're gonna have sprained backs
by the time this is over.

♪ Like a child
in wild anticipation ♪

♪ Long to hear
that "all aboard" ♪

- ♪ Seven ♪
- ♪ Seven ♪

♪ That's the time we leave,
at seven ♪

♪ At seven ♪

♪ I'll be waiting up
for heaven ♪

Take it.

♪ Counting every mile
of railroad track ♪

Ooh, I'm sorry. Big finish.

♪ Never thought my heart
could be so yearning ♪

♪ Why did I decide to roam? ♪

♪ Gonna take
a sentimental journey ♪

♪ Sentimental journey home ♪

- Come on, Gonzo,
move this thing. - All right. OK.

Here we go.

- [gibberish]
- Faster.

Well, Kermit,
did you like the song?

We gotta get there.

- Go, go, Gonzo.
- Hurry!

- We're almost there.
- [Kermit] Faster!

Say, how's the show going?

Oh, pretty good,
but I wish Kermit was here.

What's the next act?

Winky Pinkerton.
He does bird impressions.

Cluck. Tweet tweet.

Cock-a-doodle-do.

- Good luck.
- Break a beak.

[laughing]

Say, I'm just thrilled
to pieces

you're doing this big TV show
here in our train depot.

Yeah, well, we like it too.

Say, tell me something, though.
Where's Loretta Lynn?

Oh, she's here
in her dressing room.

- Oh, hi, guys.
- Hi.

Say, how come you put a big star
like Loretta Lynn in a broom closet?

'Cause the boiler room
was full of pigs.

Oh, I don't mind.

I'm just relaxing
and singing some old songs.

Remember this one?

[♪ Oh, Lonesome Me]

♪ Everybody's going out
and having fun ♪

♪ I'm just a fool for staying
home and having none ♪

♪ I can't get over
the way he set me free ♪

♪ Oh, lonesome me ♪

♪ A bad mistake I'm making
by just hanging around ♪

♪ I know that I should have
some fun and paint the town ♪

♪ A lovesick fool that's blind
and just can't see ♪

♪ Oh, lonesome me ♪

♪ I'll bet she's not like me ♪

♪ She's out and fancy free ♪

♪ Flirting with the boys
with all her charm ♪

♪ But I still love her so ♪

♪ And brother, don't you know ♪

♪ I'd welcome her right back
here in my arms ♪

♪ There must be some way I can
lose these lonesome blues ♪

♪ Lonesome blues ♪

♪ Forget about the past
and find somebody new ♪

♪ Somebody new ♪

♪ I've thought
of everything from A to Z ♪

♪ Oh, lonesome me ♪

♪ Oh, lonesome me ♪

♪ Ohhhhh ♪

♪ Lonesome me ♪

[howling]

[man] Arriving now on track
two, Veterinarian's Hospital.

The continuing story of a quack
that's gone to the dogs

Here's your next patient,
Dr. Bob.

He's a conductor.

Well, he's not
getting any symphony from me.

[laughing]

- You mean sympathy.
- He's not getting any of that either.

[laughter]

Dr. Bob,
he's a train conductor.

Well, I will not operate on
anyone who works for the railroad.

- Why not?
- I've got a very poor track record.

[laughter]

- Hey, what's the matter
with him? - I don't know.

He keeps saying the same thing
over and over.

- All aboard.
- [all squealing]

See what I mean?

Dr. Bob,
that's all he ever says.

Well, he must have
a one track mind.

[laughter]

That's your second track joke,
Dr. Bob.

So what? Who keeps track?

[laughter]

- That's three.
- It's too late to change.

You can't teach
an old dog new tracks.

[laughing]

Well, three and a half.

- All aboard!
- Whoa.

Dr. Bob, he's worked too long
on the railroad.

It's affected his mind.

Yes. The strain on his brain
stays mainly on the train.

[laughter]

Oh, Dr. Bob,
I think you've got it.

- All aboard!
- Oh!

And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week
when you'll hear Dr. Bob say:

I think he's got
railroad sneeze.

What's railroad sneeze?

- Ah-choo choo!
- [laughter]

You know, this place is cleaner
than the theater.

True. Seats are more
comfortable too.

If only the entertainment lives
down to my expectations.

[laughs]

- Hey, Kermit?
- What?

I don't want
to talk about it, Gonzo.

But, but, but Kermit...

Just keep pumping. We got to get
up to the train station.

- But Kermit, it's important.
- OK, Gonzo. What is it?

Well,
there's a light up ahead.

Good. Maybe that's
the train station.

No. That's a train.

- [train whistle]
- What? Train?

Back the other way, Gonzo.

Quick! Back! Pump!

- Pump! Pump!
- I'm trying.

- He's gaining on us. Hurry up.
- Faster! Faster!

- [train approaching]
- He's gaining on us. Faster!

Here is a Muppet news flash.

Excuse me.
Do you sell any chocolate bars?

No.

How about jelly piglets?

Will you get out of here.

Three escaped chickens broke
into the railroad telegraph office today

and the chickens began pecking
away at the Morse key.

They were later recaptured,

but not before they had declared
w*r on Abyssinia.

- Have you heard anything
from Kermit? - No, not yet.

Oh, no.

The next thing on the show
is the rhyming song.

- The rhyming song?
- Yeah.

But we're not ready
for the rhyming song.

I know we're not ready.

- What's on now?
- Nothing.

OK, everybody.
The rhyming song.

[overlapping voices]

But I can't remember it.

- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Do you know it?

Stand by
for the rhyming song.

No, Scooter, it's me first.
Me, me.

[Fozzie] Coming through.

[♪ The Rhyming Song ]

♪ Let's all sing
the rhyming song ♪

♪ The rhyming song,
the rhyming song ♪

♪ Let's take turns
and rhyme together ♪

♪ The rhyming song ♪

♪ I was hungry, now I'm not ♪

♪ The rhyming song,
the rhyming song ♪

♪ 'Cause I ate some beans
and grapes ♪

♪ The rhyming song ♪

♪ Let's all sing
the rhyming song ♪

♪ The rhyming song,
the rhyming song ♪

♪ Let's take turns
and rhyme together ♪

♪ The rhyming song ♪

♪ I left my knees in your car ♪

♪ The rhyming song,
the rhyming song ♪

♪ My laundry's ready
at half past nine ♪

♪ The rhyming song ♪

♪ Let's all sing
the rhyming song ♪

♪ The rhyming song,
the rhyming song ♪

♪ Let's take turns
and rhyme together ♪

♪ The rhyming song ♪

Sing.

♪ Stars are twinkling
in the sky ♪

♪ The rhyming song,
the rhyming song ♪

♪ There's no hot water
in my hotel ♪

♪ The rhyming song ♪

♪ This is not
the rhyming song ♪

♪ The rhyming song,
the rhyming song ♪

♪ I know it's not
the rhyming song ♪

♪ The rhyming song ♪

Oh, brother.

- ♪ What do we do now? ♪
- ♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The rhyming song,
the rhyming song ♪

♪ Let's all jump up and down
and wave our arms ♪

♪ And get off the stage ♪

♪ The rhyming song, the rhyming
song, the rhyming song ♪

[babbling]

- [phone ringing]
- [Fozzie] Get the phone, Scooter.

The rhyming song, huh?

They're really getting
desperate.

Mmm.
Desperation's a good sign.

Soon they may panic
and run away.

Yeah. Yeah, Kermit.

What? Hit by a train?

Well, uh, at least it's a
different way to spend the day.

I'm glad you're OK
at least.

- Excuse me, Scooter.
- Hold on, Kermit. Yeah, Loretta?

I don't see how we're gonna be
able to do this last number.

- Why?
- It needs a lot of scenery.

We got the scenery.
It's just a little different.

- How's that?
- Fozzie painted it.

OK, come on, move it in.
That's it.

And bring down
the clothesline, guys, too.

That's it.
All the way down.

No. Hold it. No, up, up.

But not too far.
That's it. Perfect.

OK, Loretta, good luck. Watch
out, the paint's still wet.

OK, then, I'm ready
for my next number.

Great.

OK, chief,
I'm ready to introduce Loretta.

Well, of course
I'll do a good job.

Don't worry. You tell me what to
say and I'll say it, all right?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Loretta Lynn.

Boy, chief,
you got a way with words.

[♪ One's On the Way]

[babies chattering]

♪ They say to have
her hair done ♪

♪ Liz flies all the way
to France ♪

♪ And Jackie's seen
in a discotheque ♪

♪ Doing a brand new dance ♪

♪ And the White House
social season ♪

♪ Should be glittering
and gay ♪

♪ But here in Topeka
the rain is a-fallin' ♪

♪ The faucet is a-drippin'
and the kids are bawling ♪

♪ One of them is talkin'
and one is crawlin' ♪

♪ One's on the way ♪

[baby crying]

Oh, baby, oh, baby.

♪ I'm glad that Raquel Welch ♪

♪ Just signed
a million dollar pact ♪

♪ And Debbie's out in Vegas ♪

♪ Working up a brand new act ♪

♪ And the TV's
showing newlyweds ♪

♪ A real fine game to play ♪

♪ But here in Topeka
the screen door's a-banging ♪

♪ Coffee's boiling over
and the wash needs a-hangin' ♪

♪ One wants a cookie
and one wants a-changing ♪

♪ One's on the way ♪

[phone ringing]

♪ What was I doing?
Jimmy, get away from that ♪

♪ Darn, there goes the phone ♪

What's that you say?
You're bringing a few army buddies home?

[babies babbling]

You're coming from the bar?
Get away from that.

- [doorbell rings]
- One minute. I gotta get the doorbell.

Honey, could you stop
at the market?

[babies screaming]

♪ The girls in New York City ♪

♪ They all march
for women's lib ♪

♪ Better Homes
and Gardens shows ♪

♪ The modern way to live ♪

♪ You may change
your world tomorrow ♪

♪ But meanwhile today ♪

♪ Here in Topeka
the flies are a-buzzin' ♪

♪ The dog is a-barkin' and
the floor needs a-scrubbin' ♪

♪ One needs a-spanking
And one needs a-hugging ♪

♪ One's on the way ♪

♪ One's on the way ♪

♪ One's on the way ♪

Oh, gee, I hope
it ain't twins again.

Well, folks...

I'm sorry
Kermit's not here now.

Oh, OK, OK, OK, I'm here,
I'm here.

Are you all right?

I'm as right as I can be after
being nearly hit by a train

and falling into a ditch
and slogged through a swamp and run for two miles.

You forgot about the dogs.

Yes, yes, we were also
chased by angry dogs.

You always leave out
the best parts.

Anyhow, Scooter, where are we?
What happens next?

Oh, nothing. You got here
just in time for the end.

Well, so much
for the railroad station show.

It's been weird, but tonight
did have one big advantage

and here she is, ladies
and gentlemen, Miss Loretta Lynn. Yeah!

Thank you, Kermit.
Are you all right?

Yeah, thank you.

I want you to know I really had
a great time on your show.

Oh, that's good but we better
get out of here before a train comes.

- Take your time, Kermit.
- Why?

No more trains tonight. I put up
a sign that will keep them away.

Well,
what does the sign say?

Airport.

Gonzo!

- Oh, trains
don't go to airports. - I know, but...

[jet roaring overhead]

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[overlapping voices]

No wonder this sounds bad.
We're playing a timetable.

[music played badly]

Well, what did you think?

[train rumbling by]

Well, a bit shaky.