03x09 - Liberace

[bunniefuu]

[knocking on door]

Liberace? Uh, Liberace?

- Thirty seconds
to curtain, Liberace. - Thank you.

You know, Scooter,

for years I've had
piano-shaped finger rings,

- piano-shaped swimming pools...
- I know that.

I want to thank the Muppets
for making my life complete.

I now have a
piano-shaped house pet.

- [piano growling]
- Whoa.

It wants to be walked.

Or tuned.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show

with our very special
guest star, Liberace.

Yeah!

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

♪ Why must they
get things started? ♪

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational
Inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪

[sputtering]

- Rats.
- [fanfare playing]

Thank you, Gladys.

- Food!
- Ahhh!

Excuse me, down there,
for a second.

I'd like you to be on
your best behavior tonight

because we have a real artist
on the show, Liberace.

- Liberace!
- Cool it.

- Cool it, cool it!
- Down. Easy. Stay.

OK, good. Now, listen.

Later on, Liberace is doing
an entire concert for us,

so I'd like some dignity
on the show.

Dignity!
Dignity! Dignity!

- Down, Animal. Down, down.
- Down.

Floyd, maybe you better
shorten his chain tonight.

Boss, you better get on stage.
The show's started.

Oh, sheesh.

- [Animal] Dignity! Dignity!
- Ow!

Dignity, dignity.

Thank you, thank you,

thank you and welcome, again,
to The Muppet Show.

You're gonna have
a real treat tonight

because our
very special guest star

is the one and only Liberace.
Later on in the show,

he's going to play
an entire concert for us.

- [sniffs]
- Don't take it personally, Rowlf.

Anyhow, right now
I'd like you to close your eyes

and think of
exotic Greek dancers.

Because, if you open them,
you'll see this.

[♪ Never on Sunday]

♪ Oh, you can kiss me
on a Monday, a Monday ♪

♪ A Monday is very, very good ♪

♪ Oh, you can kiss me on a
Tuesday, a Tuesday, a Tuesday ♪

♪ In fact, I wish you would ♪

♪ Oh, you can kiss me on
a Wednesday, a Thursday a Friday ♪

- ♪ A Saturday is best ♪
- [glass crashing]

♪ But you never, never on
a Sunday, a Sunday, a Sunday ♪

♪ 'Cause that's
my day of rest ♪

♪ Just name the day ♪

♪ That you like the best ♪

♪ Only stay away ♪

♪ On my day of rest ♪

♪ Oh, you can kiss me
on a bleak day ♪

♪ A freak day, a weekday ♪

♪ Oh, you can be my guest ♪

♪ But never, never
on a Sunday, a Sunday ♪

♪ The one day
I need a little rest ♪

- [man 1] Hey, Zorba.
- [man 2] Yeah.

- [man 1] Mikonos.
- [man 2] Oh.

[shouting in Greek]

- Humos.
- [men shouting in Greek]

Retsina!

Hey!

[tempo increases]

[indistinct chattering]

- [man] Hey!
- [clucking]

- [tempo increases]
- [laughing]

[all shouting indistinctly]

- I love the bazookie music!
- [plates breaking]

- Bazooka?
- Bazookie! Bazookie.

[expl*si*n]

[applause]

Greek music.
Very appropriate for the pigs.

The pigs
are from Greece?

- The pigs are greasy.
- [laughter]

OK, Piggy, you were good.

- I was great.
- Great.

I thought we were into
dignity tonight, chief.

Those guys left
a mess out there.

True, but the next act'll
take care of the broken glass.

What's the next act?

Alfredo and Hildegard,
the mop dancers.

- Hildegard, you look beautiful.
- I'm Alfredo.

- Of course.
- Great planning, chief.

Excuse me. I'm looking for...

Check upstairs. The dressing
room with the star on it.

What's that all about?

Well, you see, Liberace
is planning his whole concert...

...around our
feathered friends.

He's auditioning birds
in his dressing room.

Auditioning birds?

But he hasn't
seen my chicken act!

Nellie, Camilla,
get your tap shoes,

your seltzer bottles,
your bunny ears.

Wait till Liberace
sees this bird act.

Good grief.

Scooter, tell Swedish Chef
his percolator act is next.

- Check.
- Hey, Gladys.

Where's that
fried egg I ordered?

Oh! Chef, where's that
fried egg Floyd ordered?

[speaking mock Swedish]

Yeah, great.
Just give it to me.

Oh, Swedish Chef,
on stage for the percolator act.

[talking excitedly]

- That's it, huh?
- 'Fraid so, honey.

Can I have a handful of coffee
to go with it?

[up-tempo music playing]

[singing in mock Swedish]

Percolator.

I percolate the coffee.

[humming]

[clattering]

[talking in mock Swedish]

What the hey?

Wow, Dr. Bob.
What's wrong with this man?

Oh, I think he has an advanced
case of ingrown coffeepot.

Is it rare?

Yes. Usually
it's found in hedgehogs.

In hedgehogs?

Surely you've
heard of perc-upines?

On the other hand,
pigs also suffer from it.

- Pigs?
- Haven't you heard of pork-ulators?

[announcer] So Dr. Bob
has made a house call.

Tune in next time when
you'll hear Nurse Piggy say:

Dr. Bob, should we
get him to a hospital?

No. Just keep him
away from policemen.

- Why?
- He'll get a perk-ing ticket.

OK. I didn't understand that,
whatever it was.

Thank you, Swedish
Hospital Veterinarian Chef.

Well, so much for dignity.

Kermit, Kermit,
Kermit. Oh, boy.

Everybody here
is really excited

about the concert Liberace's
doing with birds.

- So I've noticed.
- Especially Gonzo.

I had to put
a security guard

on Liberace's
dressing room door.

I'm telling you,
he's got to see my chickens.

Liberace ain't using
no chickens in his concert.

Then maybe
he'll see me.

- He's only seeing birds.
- I'm a bird.

- Yeah, I'm a turkey.
- You're not a real turkey.

Are you kidding?
Have you seen my act?

Hey, Lee, I got this
real turkey to see you.

Here is a Muppet news flash.
Work was started today

on the remodeling
of the Muppet news studio.

And it is said that... Oh!

It won't be long now.

I'm down to the ten finalists
in the bird auditions.

[♪ I Want to Sing in Opera]

♪ I'm getting so tired
of these comedy songs ♪

♪ I want to sing
something divine ♪

♪ I'm sure and
I'm certain to shine ♪

♪ As a star in the opera line ♪

♪ I simply love Wagner
Mozart and Puccini ♪

♪ Their music
is simply tip top ♪

♪ From now on, Miss Piggy
will be known as Piggini ♪

♪ And see
if I can't get a job ♪

♪ I want to sing in opera ♪

♪ I've got that kind of voice ♪

♪ I'd always sing in opera ♪

♪ If I could have my choice ♪

♪ Signore Caruso ♪

♪ Told me I ought to do so ♪

♪ That's why
I want to sing in opera ♪

♪ Sing in op-op-op-op-opera ♪

Come in, boys.

On three.
One, two, three.

♪ She wants to sing in opera ♪

♪ She's got
that kind of voice ♪

♪ She'd love to sing in opera ♪

♪ If she could
have her choice ♪

♪ Signor Caruso ♪

♪ Told me I ought to do so ♪

♪ That's why
I want to sing in opera ♪

♪ Sing in op-op-op-op-opera ♪

♪ To sing, to sing ♪

♪ Is she going to sing?
Is she going to sing? ♪

[overlapping operatic voices]

[Miss Piggy] All right,
knock it off!

[applause, shouting]

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Muppets are pleased
and honored to turn over

the rest of tonight's show

to one of the world's
most amazing performers.

Here he is, in concert,
what we've all been waiting for.

Ladies and gentlemen, Liberace.

[♪ Chopsticks]

[laughter]

[applause]

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I can't tell you how much
fun it is doing this show.

Sure, it's fun
doing the show.

Try watching the show
and see how much fun it is.

[laughing]

I've heard about you guys,

and I'm not going
to let you spoil things.

I'm going to do something
for the first time.

I'm going to dedicate an
entire concert to all the birds.

I think you'll enjoy it.

If we do,
that'll be another first.

Well, listen, you guys.

If you can't say something nice,
don't say anything.

Well, that's one way
of keeping us quiet.

Good.

Before I get started,
I just want to explain.

I know, perhaps,
you'll be looking at my fingers

and wondering if they're real.

They are real diamonds.

I'm glad you want to see them,

because let's face it,
you bought it.

There's enough karats here

to feed all the rabbits
in the world.

Well, what do you think?

Yep, they're real,
all right.

Well, without further ado,

let's begin our special concert
dedicated to all the birds.

- I can hardly wait.
- Thank you, little fella.

[♪ Misty]

[seagulls calling]

[applause, whistling]

[♪ Nocturne in F Sharp]

[applause, whistling]

Well, do you like
what you've heard so far?

- Yes!
- You've spoiled a perfect record.

Well, I'm pleased
you like it so far.

- Mr. Liberace?
- Hello, Sam. How's everything?

So far everything
has been very cultural.

And that worries me,
sir.

Well, I thought
you liked culture.

I played the Nocturne
especially for you.

- I dedicated it to the birds.
- Yes, yes, yes.

I know this show, and I
have seen your work too, sir.

Because you have
now played Chopin,

it follows as
night follows day

that soon you will be wearing
a rhinestone tuxedo

and playing shameless
boogie-woogie.

I promise you, Sam,
I won't be doing that soon.

- No?
- I'm gonna do it right now.

[boogie-woogie music]

[♪ Five Foot Two]

♪ Eight foot two
Eyes of blue ♪

♪ But, what those
eight feet can do ♪

♪ Has anybody seen my bird? ♪

♪ Tall and bright
What a sight ♪

♪ Feathered friends
of such a height ♪

♪ Has anybody seen my bird? ♪

♪ Now, if you run into
an eight foot two ♪

♪ Feathered and fine ♪

♪ Lovely wings
All those things ♪

♪ Bet your life
that bird is mine ♪

♪ Oh, could she bill
Could she coo ♪

♪ Could she cock-a-doodle-do ♪

♪ Has anybody seen my bird? ♪

There he is!

[♪ Charleston]

- Take over, Rowlf.
- OK.

Oh, it's Liberace.

Oh, look at that,
he's dancing with you.

♪ Now, if you run into an eight
foot two feathered and fine ♪

♪ Lovely wings
all those things ♪

♪ Bet your life
that bird is mine ♪

♪ Oh, could she bill
could she coo ♪

♪ Could she cock-a-doodle-do ♪

♪ Has anybody seen my ♪

♪ Bet your life she's been by ♪

♪ Has anybody seen my bird? ♪

Well, it's been
a very special show,

and we owe it all
to our very special guest.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Liberace. Yeah!

Thank you.
Thank you, Kermit.

It's really been fun
doing a special concert for you.

But you didn't
use my chicken act.

Gonzo! You didn't
show Liberace

that awful tap dancing
chicken act, did you?

Of course he did.
They do it in bunny ears.

I'm using it in
my new Las Vegas act.

That's wonderful.

I've already ordered
the rhinestone bunny ears.

I don't believe this. See you
next time on The Muppet Show.

They make rhinestone
bunny ears?

[indistinct chattering]

Finally, we've seen them
do a good show.

Good. Can we please
stop coming now?

[laughing]