03x11 - Raquel Welch

[bunniefuu]

[knocking on door]

Oh, Raquel Welch, 30 seconds
to curtain, Miss Welch.

"The quality of mercy
is not strained.

It droppeth as a gentle rain
upon the place beneath..."

Oh, changing your image,
huh?

Yes, I was toying
with the idea.

You do what you want,
Miss Welch.

On this show, you don't have
to dress up in any scanty,

- revealing costumes
- Oh, thank you, Scooter.

Not unless
you really want to.

- Well...
- [all] Oh, please want to!

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show
with our very special

guest star, Raquel Welch!

Whoo! Yay!

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational
Inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪

- [applause]
- Thank you!

And welcome, again,
to The Muppet Show,

where tonight,
we are delighted

to have the one
and only Miss Raquel Welch...

[clearing throat]

Pity we can't book an important
guest star on this show.

What are you saying,
Piggy?

We have an internationally
acclaimed actress, singer,

dancer and one of the
sexiest ladies alive!

You've got that
every night, frog.

Uh, well...
[clears throat]

Ignoring that, ladies,
and particularly gentlemen,

here she is,
the curvaceous,

the tantalizing,
the desirable...

- Hold it, chief!
- What now?

- She's changing her image.
- Changing her image?

Yeah, she was just
rehearsing Shakespeare.

But... Uh...

Well, uh... uh,
ladies and gentlemen,

one of cinema's
leading dramatic actresses,

the very erudite,
Miss Raquel Welch.

[♪ Baby, It's Me]

[chuckling]

♪ You got the shakin'
I got the shimmy ♪

♪ You got the takin'
I got the gimme ♪

♪ And I don't want to go
but, baby, you send me ♪

♪ You want it all
and I wanna give it ♪

♪ You are the dream
and I wanna live it ♪

♪ And I don't want to go
but, baby, you send me ♪

♪ Baby, it's me
I'm the same as you ♪

♪ A dreamer who dreams
That's a dream come true ♪

♪ And all my life
I just wanted to meet ♪

♪ Someone just like you ♪

♪ Someone just like you ♪

♪ To tell my troubles to ♪

♪ Someone just like you ♪

♪ You've got the spark
I've got the desire ♪

♪ The longer we burn
the higher the fire ♪

♪ And, baby, take my heart
I want you to have it ♪

♪ Our love is a storm
It goes on forever ♪

♪ The more that it rains
the better the weather ♪

♪ And, baby, take my heart
I want you to have it ♪

♪ Baby, it's me
I'm the same as you ♪

♪ A dreamer who dreams
that's a dream come true ♪

♪ And all my life
I've just wanted to meet ♪

♪ Someone just like you ♪

♪ Someone just like you ♪

♪ Who wants to love me, too ♪

♪ Someone just like you ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, hey, hey ♪

- [sighing]
- Pluperfect.

[sighing]

Uh, I thought she was
going to change her image.

Well, she might be
changing her image,

but you wouldn't want her
to change the rest of that.

[Miss Piggy scoffs]

Hey, where's Fozzie?
He's supposed to be on stage.

He must be late
getting back from group.

Group? Fozzie
went to group therapy?

[chuckling] He wanted to learn
to be more dominating.

[Fozzie] Open up, doors!

These doors will swing open
to the force of my will alone!

OK, I'll open the doors.

- [door rattling]
- [Fozzie groaning]

There, I opened the doors,

and I wanted to. Thank you.

It's a pity you couldn't
open the show, too.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Frog,
I am an established artiste.

I will not be treated
like a newcomer.

No, you'll be treated
like a latecomer.

[both laughing]

Very good.

Uh, Fozzie, are you trying
to be pushy or something?

Oh, no. I mean, yes.

I am trying
to be more decisive.

- Hmm.
- Uh, maybe.

- Fozzie, what are you doing?
- I'm not too sure. Uh...

Oh, you see, my group leader
told me to be more aggressive.

Yes, uh, here.

[growls]
Excuse me, I'm sorry.

[growls]
Thank you. Thank you.

Fozzie, why don't
you just go sit quietly

in your dressing room?

Oh, no!
Oh, no, not this time!

Frog, this bear will
never be pushed around

or stepped on ever again!

Hey, did somebody order
raw eggs and chili peppers?

- [stomping footsteps]
- Breakfast! Breakfast!

Aah!
Breakfast! Breakfast!

I think I'll go sit quietly
in my dressing room.

[fanfare]

Uh, you could describe
our next performer

as a complete contrast
to Miss Raquel Welch.

Then again, you could
also describe him

as a complete contrast to every
man, woman and child on Earth.

Uh, here he is, ladies and
gentlemen, Gonzo, the Great.

[♪ Jamboree]

♪ Lonely? Hey, I get lonely ♪

♪ Sad? Whoo! I know sad ♪

♪ But you do what you can
with the things that you see ♪

♪ To make life a jamboree ♪

♪ And I see cows
playing cellos ♪

♪ With bananas
where their horns should be ♪

♪ And I see flags being waved
By ducks in buckets ♪

♪ And pigs drinking lemon tea ♪

- ♪ Jamboree! ♪
- ♪ Jamboree! ♪

- ♪ Jamboree! ♪
- ♪ Jamboree! ♪

♪ Find where you hide
and look inside ♪

♪ And you've got a jamboree ♪

♪ Ee... ee... ee...
Ee... ee... ee... ee ♪

♪ If all you know are bad times
If all you see are walls ♪

♪ If you get your news
from the scuffs on your shoes ♪

♪ Then that won't help at all ♪

♪ 'Cause you've gotta see
penguins throwing popcorn ♪

♪ Chickens on a
well-dressed moose ♪

- Hi, girls!
- [chickens clucking]

♪ And you gotta see
rats floating by ♪

♪ On pink balloons ♪

♪ And fuzzy things
on the loose ♪

- ♪ Jamboree! ♪
- ♪ Jamboree! ♪

- ♪ Jamboree! ♪
- ♪ Jamboree! ♪

♪ Find where you hide
and look inside ♪

♪ And you've got a jamboree ♪

♪ Well, you go run from thunder
and you stay away from rain ♪

♪ But I'll be looking at the
colors in the puddles ♪

♪ To see my jamboree ♪

- ♪ Jamboree! ♪
- ♪ Chocolate cakes! ♪

- ♪ Jamboree! ♪
- ♪ Bells on snakes! ♪

♪ Some people give up ♪
♪ Some people get out ♪

♪ But me? Whoo, whoo, whoo! ♪

♪ I'm a jamboree! ♪

[all cheering]

- ♪ Jamboree! ♪
- ♪ Jamboree! ♪

- ♪ Jamboree! ♪
- ♪ Jamboree! ♪

- ♪ Jamboree! ♪
- ♪ Jamboree! ♪

- ♪ Jamboree! ♪
- ♪ Jamboree! ♪

- ♪ Jamboree! ♪
- ♪ Jamboree! ♪

- ♪ Jamboree! ♪
- [music fading]

♪ Me, I'm a jamboree ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

I've seen wars started
over less than that.

Wrong, there's
nothing less than that.

[laughing]

- [chattering indistinctly]
- OK, nice one.

Yeah, good number, baby.
[laughs]

Yeah, very cute, very cute.
Uh, sick but cute.

- Sick but cute?
- Mmm-hmm.

Uh, you guys are
talking about me, huh?

- No.
- Uh, yeah. [laughs]

- Floyd!
- Hey, Kermit, Kermit, it's all right

It's no problem.
I can take it.

Well, I don't know
if I can take it.

Uh, listen, Fozzie, are you
ready to do your monologue now?

[clears throat]

No! No!

I am not...
Excuse me, I'm sorry.

I'm through
with all that!

I do not need to buy friends
with laughter anymore.

No, no. I am about
to meet my true self.

- Uh... of course you are.
- Yes.

I hope you'll be
very happy together.

- Thank you.
- [chuckles]

I'll just go cancel
your act for tonight.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Don't worry, we've all
got our problems here.

Yep, that's show biz.

See, my problem was
my need to tell jokes.

Yeah, that was
our problem too.

Ladies and gentlemen, due to the
indisposition of Fozzie Bear,

there will be no
comic monologue on this show.

[cheering]

Scooter, they...
They want me!

They...
They like me! They need me!

- Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!
- Fozzie!

- And so, on with The Muppet...
- Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!

- What are you doing here?
- My monologue. [laughs]

But you were supposed
to meet your true self.

- I just met him.
- What's he like?

He's shallow, insecure and needs
to buy friends with laughter.

- Ah! It's too late! Get off!
- What?! What?!

[downtempo music plays]

[Fozzie] Kermit,
let go, they want me!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Uh, did you hear the one about
the nut who joined the Army?

Sure. They made him
a kernel. [laughs]

What, that old chestnut?
[laughs]

Wait, hey! Hey!
You just cut that out, you pigs!

Speaking of pigs,

what do you get when you
cross an Eskimo and a pig?

Oh, that's easy.
you get a polar boar.

[laughing]

What is going on... Whoa!

- Move! Look out!
- [crashing]

Hey, do you do all the
cooking in the monastery?

[Fozzie] Hey! Hey,
I was gonna do that one!

- No, I only cook the potatoes.
- You only cook the potatoes?

Wait! I'm doing this one! Uh...

You only cook the potatoes?
What do they call you?

The friar.

No, the chipmonk.

[laughing]

From time to time,

I like to chat with some
of the different members

of The Muppet Show so you'll
get to know them better.

Tonight, I'll talk with
one of your favorite acts,

- Marvin Suggs
and the Muppaphones. - Ow!

Excuse me, Marvin.

I know you're rehearsing. Could
I talk to you for a few minutes?

But of course, Mr. Kermit.
Anything.

- Take a four.
- Five.

- Ow!
- Four!

Uh... uh... Marvin, the question
that most people ask...

Oh, the answer is
mutual love and respect.

The Muppaphones,
they adore me!

[Muppaphones
mumbling indistinctly]

Shut up!

Uh, Marvin,
are these...

Are these the
original Muppaphones?

Oh, no. I have to replace them
every two or three months.

They go flat.

- You mean they get off-key?
- No, flat.

- Ow!
- Like little pancakes.

Thank you!

Uh, yeah, well, uh,
what happens to them then?

I don't think
you want to know.

- Uh, yes...
- Yes!

Uh, well, Marvin,
I was wondering,

can I talk
to the Muppaphones?

But of course! The little froggy
want to talk to you. Be nice.

[Muppaphones
mumbling indistinctly]

Uh, Muppaphones, I'll ask you
the question most people ask,

does it hurt?

- Um, is Marvin still here?
- Right here.

- Uh, no.
- Of course it does not hurt.

- I am not a cruel man.
- [Muppaphones groaning]

Shut up!

- Uh, Marvin...
- Please continue.

You were telling me
how compassionate and sensitive you are.

Yes, but I should
get back to rehearsal.

Come on, Marvin,
how about some time off?

- How about some croquet?
- [yelps]

[sighs] I wish I had the nerve
to meet Raquel Welch.

Oh, you should, Fozzie.
She's terrific.

She kissed me
right here.

Scooter,
I know she kissed you.

You told me four times
she kissed you.

Why don't you go
have your cheek bronzed?

Touchy, touchy.

Well, she didn't kiss... Oh.

Hey, wait a minute, I can
handle this, I can cope with it.

I am an important bear.
I am capable, I am poised...

- Hiya, Fozzie.
- I am... I am...

Hi. I've been looking
all over for ya.

- M... m...
- Uh-huh.

- Come here a second.
- [stammering]

Did you know that one
of the main reasons

that I wanted to do
The Muppet Show

was just so I
could meet you?

- [stammering]
- Is something wrong?

No... [stammers]

- Oh.
- I can't talk about it.

Just put your head
on my shoulder here.

[♪ Confide In Me]

♪ Confide in me ♪

♪ Rely on me ♪

♪ And I will try to satisfy ♪

♪ Your every need ♪

♪ Through the day ♪

- ♪ 'Till we say ♪
- Don't do that, please.

♪ Goodbye ♪

- ♪ Oooh ♪
- [moaning]

- ♪ Take it slow ♪
- [chuckles]

♪ Easy go ♪

♪ Any friend would recommend ♪

♪ The starlight show ♪

♪ On a night like this ♪

♪ I insist you try ♪

Oh, oh, Raquel,
you are terrific.

On the contrary, Fozzie,
you're the one that's terrific.

- Me?
- Uh-huh.

You know, just being here,
kind of close to you,

I've noticed that you're
really very charming.

- Charming?
- Mmm-hmm.

- And even witty.
- And even witty.

In fact, I think
you're very sexy.

Say again.

I think you're
sexsational.

Ahh.

♪ Mmm, take your time ♪

♪ And you will find ♪

♪ A smiling face ♪

- ♪ A warm embrace ♪
- Ooh.

♪ A sympathetic mind ♪

- ♪ To do it right ♪
- [chuckling]

♪ Confide in me ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

- ♪ Woh, oh, oh, oh ♪
- ♪ Woh, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ Confide in me ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

Oh, Raquel!

Oh, Raquel!
Oh, I feel so confident now.

You've made a complete bear
out of me. Oh, yes! Yes!

- Um, Fozzie...
- Yes, sweetheart.

Do you...
Do you think there's...

Yes, baby, say it!

...even the slightest
possibility that...

Yes!

...you might want to go
to my dressing room

and have a cup of tea?

- You... You and me?
- Uh-huh.

Could I bring a friend?

[humming]

[chicken whimpering]

[mock Swedish]

...de chickie
in de basket.

Of course,
here de chickie.

And over here, de basket.

[chicken clucking]

Hey, chickie!
Come here, chickie!

[mock Swedish]

[chicken bouncing loudly]

[moaning]

[humming]

♪ Here de de are
de chickie ♪

That two points.

Kermit! Kermit! Kermit! Oh,
listen, you've gotta read this!

What? Are you still on
the assertive kick, Fozzie?

Kind of, but listen,
Kermit, you are gonna love this.

I have just written
the greatest joke in the world.

It's the all-time
comedy classic.

Kermit, in the history
of show business

there has never been,
or will there ever be,

a joke this funny. Here,
read it, go ahead, read it.

Ahhh. Yeah.

[chuckles]

- Ahhh?
- It's not funny.

I got a better one.

Uh, excuse moi,
Raquel.

I just wanted to come by
and welcome you to my show.

Thank you,
Miss Piggy,

but I understood that
you weren't too happy

about me
being on the show.

Oh, where did you
ever get that idea?

Believe me,
I understand.

After all, it is your show,
and I'm just a guest here.

Raquel, Raquel, Raquel!

The burdens of being
an international sex goddess.

Yes, well, I suppose.

It must be nearly
as tough for you.

Mmm-hmm.

You know, sometimes,
I really feel like

renouncing the whole thing,
the whole image.

Yes, me too. It gets to be
kind of a bore, doesn't it?

Mmm-hmm.

There's still a lot of
joy left in being a woman.

- Don't you agree?
- Mmm-hmm.

I plan to gather up
all I can while it lasts.

[Scooter] Raquel?

Standby for your solo number.

Solo?

Yes.
You don't mind, do you?

Of course not.
I... I...

Oh, is that the costume
for the solo number?

How sweet.

Thank you. They made it
especially for me.

Oh, especially
pour vous.

Hmm, how très très happy
I am pour vous.

[speaks French]

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Uh, I, uh...
I think I shall go now

to be up close where
I can really see you.

Why, thank you.
In the front row?

Closer than that.

[fanfare]

Now, once again,
ladies and gentlemen, it's time

for our wonderful and
indescribable, fantastic guest star...

- Is she... Is she ready yet?
- [muppet] Who?

- Raquel.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Raquel Welch!

[♪ I'm A Woman]

♪ I can wash out
44 pairs of socks ♪

♪ And have 'em
hangin' out on the line ♪

♪ I can starch and iron
two dozens shirts ♪

♪ 'Fore you can count
from one to nine ♪

♪ I can scoop up
a great big dipper ♪

♪ Full of lard
from the drippin's can ♪

♪ Throw it in the skillet
Go out and do my shopping ♪

♪ And be back before
it melts in the pan ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a woman! ♪

♪ W... O... ♪

♪ M-A-N ♪

♪ Like to say it again ♪

♪ I can rub
and scrub this house ♪

♪ Till it's shinin'
just like a dime ♪

♪ Feed the baby, grease the car
and powder my face ♪

♪ All at
the same time ♪

♪ I can get
all dressed up ♪

♪ Go out and swing
till 4am and then ♪

♪ Lay down at 5:00
jump up at 6:00 ♪

♪ And start
all over again ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a woman! ♪

♪ W... O... ♪

♪ M-A-N ♪

- ♪ Like to say it again ♪
- Ha, ha! Yes, we would!

♪ If you come to me
sickly ♪

♪ You know that
I'm gonna make you well ♪

♪ If you come to me
hexed up ♪

♪ You know I'm gonna
break the spell ♪

♪ If you come to me
hungry ♪

♪ You know I'm gonna
fill you all full of grits ♪

♪ If it's lovin'
you're lackin' ♪

♪ I'll kiss you and
give you the shiverin' fits ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a woman! ♪

♪ W... O... ♪

♪ M-A-N ♪

- ♪ Like to say it again ♪
- ♪ Like to say it again ♪

♪ I can stretch
a greenback dollar bill ♪

♪ From here
to kingdom come ♪

♪ I can play
the numbers ♪

♪ Pay the bills and
still end up with some ♪

Uh-huh.

♪ I got a 20 dollar
gold piece ♪

♪ Says there ain't
nothing I can't do ♪

♪ I can make a dress
out of a food sack ♪

You can what?

I said I can make a dress
out of a food sack.

What do you do
with a food sack dress?

Honey, I can make
anything look good.

Oh, yes!

♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪

♪ W... O... ♪

♪ M-A-N ♪

Ah-ha!

♪ Like to say it again ♪

Hoo, hoo!

♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪

♪ W... O... ♪

[clears throat]

♪ P... I... ♪

♪ G ♪

♪ And that's all ♪

We've done everything
we had planned to do,

so I seriously suspect
that this is the end.

But, before we go,
let us have a warm thank you

to our very special guest star,
Miss Raquel Welch, yay!

- [applause]
- All right!

Oh, wow! Oh, yeah!

Thank you very much, Kermit.
I had a wonderful time.

I don't think
I changed my image.

Raquel, sweetie, baby, wanna
go tell a joke together? Ahhh.

You may not have
changed your image,

but I think you
may have changed ours.

[Fozzie chuckles]

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

Bye-bye!

Have you ever thought there
must be life after death?

Every time
I leave this theater.

[laughs]

[moans]