03x13 - Helen Reddy

[bunniefuu]

[knocking]

Helen Reddy? 30 seconds
to curtain, Miss Reddy.

OK, Scooter. I'll be there.

Ready or not.

Yeah... did you mean
to make that joke?

Well, I meant to make that joke
before someone else did.

You think we'd stoop that low?

Hey, three to get ready!

Lower.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with
our very special guest star,

Miss Helen Reddy. Yay!

[applause and whistles]

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

Hey! There's chickens
in our seat! Shoo!

♪ It's time
to get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational
inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪

[tinkling notes]

- [applause]
- Thank you, thank you.

And welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

Hey, we've got
a terrific show tonight.

Our special guest is one of
the world's greatest singing talents, Helen Reddy.

But right now, we whisk you back
through time and space

to the Palace of Versailles,

where Marie Antoinette
bears a striking resemblance

to our own Miss Piggy.

[classical music plays]

[♪ Stayin' Alive ]

♪ Well, you can tell
by the way I use my walk ♪

♪ I'm a woman
No time to talk ♪

♪ Music loud and I am warm ♪

♪ I've been kicked around
since I was born ♪

♪ And now it's all right
It's OK ♪

♪ And you may look
the other way ♪

♪ We can try to understand ♪

♪ The New York Times'
effect on man ♪

♪ Whether you're a brother
or whether you're a mother ♪

♪ You're stayin' alive
Stayin' alive ♪

♪ Feel the city breakin'
and everybody shakin' ♪

♪ And we're stayin' alive
Stayin' alive ♪

♪ Ah, ha, ha, ha
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive ♪

♪ Ah, ha, ha, ha
Stayin' ali... ♪

♪ ...i... ♪

- ♪ ...ive ♪
- ♪ Ohh ♪

♪ Life goin' nowhere ♪

♪ Somebody help me ♪

♪ Somebody help me, yeah ♪

♪ Life goin' nowhere ♪

♪ Somebody help me, yeah ♪

♪ Stayin' alive ♪

[all shouting]

♪ Whether you're a brother
or whether you're a mother ♪

♪ You're stayin' alive
Stayin' alive ♪

♪ Feel the city breakin'
and everybody shakin' ♪

♪ And we're stayin' alive
Stayin' alive ♪

♪ Ah, ha, ha, ha
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive ♪

♪ Ah, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Stayin' alive ♪

Well, I'll say this for them.

- What's that?
- They don't show favoritism.

They offend everyone.

Aw, come on. Let us eat cake!
Let us eat cake!

Not only historically wrong,
but hysterically wrong.

- Sacré bleu!
- What does that mean?

Sacred blue.

What a mess this place is.

Beauregard,
I've got a job for you.

- Oh, good.
- Just look at this mess.

OK. That sounds easy enough.

Beauregard, the floor
needs sweeping.

There's a broom
around here someplace.

- Oh, yes, there it is.
- Well, well, step on it.

OK.

[grunts]

- Hey, that's a neat trick.
- Beauregard, use some elbow grease!

Elbow grease?

[creaking]

Why didn't I think of that?

And now, it's an honor to have
one of the world's greatest recording stars,

and here she is, swinging up
a storm at an informal session

in the Muppets' private studio,

ladies and gentlemen,
Helen Reddy!

One, two.
One, two, three...

[soft melody playing]

♪ When you can't
find a friend ♪

♪ And the road
doesn't seem to end ♪

♪ And you're lonesome ♪

♪ The whole day through ♪

♪ How can you be happy? ♪

♪ How can you be smiling? ♪

♪ How can you be anything ♪

♪ But low down
saggy and blue? ♪

Hey, Roger, how's the balance?

Animal's a little too loud
on the drums.

Oh, OK. Hey, Animal. Animal!

[muffled shouting]

♪ How can you be smiling? ♪

♪ How can you be singing? ♪

♪ How can you be anything ♪

♪ But low down
saggy and blue? ♪

♪ I look around and see ♪

♪ The sweet life everywhere ♪

♪ I watch the
cookie bushes shining ♪

♪ In the sun ♪

♪ The smell of
sweet vanilla living ♪

♪ Blows in every
breath of air ♪

♪ Doesn't anybody want me? ♪

♪ Doesn't anybody care? ♪

♪ When you're
wrinkled and cold ♪

♪ And your fortune
has all been told ♪

♪ And you're nobody's ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ How can you be happy? ♪

♪ How can you be singing? ♪

♪ How can you be anything ♪

♪ But low down
saggy and blue? ♪

♪ Sad but true
How can you be happy? ♪

♪ How can you be singing? ♪

♪ How can you be anything ♪

♪ But low down saggy
and rag bag baggy ♪

♪ And blue? ♪

- [applause]
- [drums banging]

You know, if I had a voice
like Helen Reddy,

I'd never be
on The Muppet Show.

Right. If you had a voice
like Helen Reddy,

you'd be in a side show!

Ah, hey, very good, Beauregard,
it really looks great.

You've swept it spotless
and polished it, too.

Well, I couldn't find
any elbow grease.

- I expect not.
- So I used axle grease.

[shouting]

- Whoa!
- [dish shatters]

Brother!

Beauregard, what kind
of an idiot are you?

Well, I didn't know
there was a choice.

- Floyd, watch out!
- Huh? Whoa!

What a drag.

[stammers]

[shouts]

Uh, Beauregard, how do you
manage to stay upright?

Well, I'm wearing
these special shoes.

- You want to borrow them?
- I can't get anyplace without them.

- Good.
- OK.

I got to get my flippers
into these slippers.

These are non-slippers.

Yeah. OK, what is the secret
of these miracle shoes?

Oh, there's no secret.
I just nailed them to the floor.

Whoa.

Whoa.

- [knocking]
- [Animal and Swedish Chef] Helen!

- Come in. Come in.
- [both shouting] Helen!

[Animal] Thank you!

[chattering]

[Chef hums]

[both] ♪ Happy Birthday
to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Happy Birthday
dear Helen... ♪ - Wait. Wait.

There's been some mistake.
Today is not my birthday.

Huh?

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way ♪

And so my great Uncle Beauregard
said to me, he said,

"Beauregard, you go into show
business and you'll clean up."

You know something?
He was right.

You're named Beauregard
after him?

About 40 years after.

- [Kermit] Beauregard!
- Oh! I'm working! I'm working.

That's what I was afraid of.
Stop polishing.

- I've only done a little bit.
- Get off! Off, off, off, off!

[stammers] Now,
ladies and gentlemen,

we are going to have a brilliant
dance number by Fozzie Bear and friends.

But, uh, excuse me one second.
Fozzie?

Yeah, yeah. What?

Be careful, there is a slippery
place on the stage out here.

- Where is that?
- I don't know. Right around here some...

Thank you.

[stammers] Curtain!

Whoa!

[music plays]

A-ha.

- Whoa!
- [crashing]

Uh, be careful, there's a wet
spot right here on the stage.

[chuckles]

Careful. It's right there,
it's right there.

Terrific, guys.
You look great. Whoa!

Uh, guys, be careful,
there's a place right here.

Watch out, there's a wet place!
Watch out, right there!

What the...?

Whoa!

Go to the front,
I'll go back here.

Hey! Whoa!

[shouting and crashing]

[reporter] Here is
a Muppet News Flash.

Dateline Silver Spring,
Maryland.

At this very moment,
Mr. and Mrs. George Laser of Silver Spring,

are attempting to break the
world's record for over-hand refrigerator throwing.

And...

[classical music]

[hums along]

[statue snoring]

[plays loudly]

- [plays softly]
- [hums along]

- Don't hum.
- Yes, sir.

[snoring]

[applause]

You know, Helen, you did a song
about, um, oh, I don't know,

a few years ago, it's one of my
very favorite songs of all time.

Really? Which one was it?

Well, it was called
You and Me Against the World.

Oh, sure. That was a song
I did with my daughter.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- You did it with your daughter?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, uh, do you suppose that,
um, you could do it with a frog?

- You mean just you and me?
- Mm-hmm.

I think so.

[♪ You and Me
Against the World ]

♪ You and me
against the world ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like ♪

♪ You and me
against the world ♪

♪ When all the others ♪

♪ Turn their backs
and walk away ♪

♪ You can count on me to stay ♪

♪ Remember when the circus
came to town ♪

♪ And you were frightened
by the clown ♪

♪ Wasn't it nice to be around ♪

♪ Someone that you knew ♪

♪ Someone who was
big and strong ♪

♪ And looking out for you ♪

♪ And me against the world ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like ♪

♪ You and me
against the world ♪

♪ And for all
the times we've cried ♪

♪ I always felt
that God was on our side ♪

♪ And when one of us is gone ♪

♪ And one of us
is left to carry on ♪

♪ Then remembering
will have to do ♪

♪ Our memories alone
will get us through ♪

♪ Think about the days
of me and you ♪

♪ You and me against ♪

♪ The world ♪

- Hey, Beau?
- Yes, sir?

I see the floors
are no longer slippery.

Oh, well, that's probably
because Kermit told me to spread a little sand around.

A little sand?

Somebody ought to teach you the
meaning of "a little," though.

- I don't believe this!
- [camel howls]

- You believe that?
- [howling]

[announcer] And now,
Veterinarian's Hospital.

The continuing story

of a quack who's gone
to the dogs.

- Hubba hubba.
- Oh! Mmm.

So, where's the next patient?

Oh, right here, Dr. Bob.

Oh. Oh, look at that.

He looks cold.
We'd better turn up the heat.

Dr. Bob, those are not
earmuffs he's wearing.

He was in the recording studio.

Don't you know about headsets?

Of course.
The head sets on the neck,

the neck sets
on the shoulders.

[nurses groan]

I learned that the first year
in doctor class.

Dr. Bob, have you forgotten
about the patient?

No, the patient
is the one who's sick.

I learned that
the second year.

No, Dr. Bob, this patient.

He's lost his hearing.

Well, maybe he
dropped it some place.

I'll look under the table.

What kind was it? A clip on
or one of those pierce jobs?

Not his earring,
his hearing, Dr. Bob.

This man can't hear anything.

[scoffs] He's lucky.
I've heard every dumb word.

Well, let's get these off.

[grunting]

- There we go.
- Can you hear me?

Of course I can hear you.

- Not you, him.
- How can I hear him?

He hasn't said a word.

If Florence Nightengale had to
put up with this she'd have been a waitress.

Well, I can't do anything
about his hearing now.

- Call me tomorrow.
- No, Dr. Bob.

- You're responsible
for his ears. - Hmm.

You're right.
Call me ear responsible.

- ♪ Call me... ♪
- [nurses groan]

[announcer] And so
we come to the end

of another
Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week
when you'll hear Dr. Bob say:

Ah, no wonder
he can't hear anything.

He has a little drum in there,
it'll have to come out.

No, no, no. That's his ear drum.
That stays.

What about the tiny
little piano and bass?

[nurses groan]

[♪ Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport ]

♪ Tie me kangaroo down, sport
Tie me kangaroo down ♪

♪ Tie me kangaroo down, mate
Tie me kangaroo down ♪

♪ All together now! ♪

♪ Tie me kangaroo down, sport ♪

♪ Tie me kangaroo down ♪

♪ Tie me kangaroo down, mate
Tie me kangaroo down ♪

♪ Tie me kangaroo down
Tie me kangaroo down ♪

♪ Tie me kangaroo down ♪

[all shouting]

Well, uh, no more sand.

And the slipperiness is gone.

Hey, nice goin', guys!
Way to go.

Well, that takes care
of the sand.

Yep. And I'm glad
to be rid of it.

Yeah, I swept all the sand
out of here.

- Now, where did you put it?
- Next door.

But that's the stage!

- What are we gonna do?
- What can we do?

Uh, get some costumes.

Scooter! Get a couple of tents.
Fozzie, a palm tree.

- [all talking]
- Bring back that camel!

- Camel!
- Lucky I happen to have a palm tree.

Uh, and now once again,
ladies and gentlemen,

our very special guest star...
Uh, are you ready back there?

- [monster] No, we're not ready.
- Oh... I'll tell you about Helen Reddy.

[monster] I said
we weren't ready.

- I wasn't talking to you.
- [monster] OK, we're ready.

[stammers] Uh, ladies
and gentlemen, Helen Reddy. I hope this works.

[♪ We'll Sing in the Sunshine ]

♪ We'll sing in the sunshine ♪

♪ We'll laugh every day ♪

♪ We'll sing in the sunshine ♪

♪ Then I'll be on my way ♪

♪ I will never love you ♪

♪ The cost of love's too dear ♪

♪ But though
I'll never love you ♪

♪ I'll stay with you
for a year ♪

♪ And we can sing
in the sunshine ♪

♪ We'll laugh everyday ♪

♪ We'll sing in the sunshine ♪

♪ Then I'll be on my way ♪

♪ I'll sing to you
each morning ♪

♪ I'll kiss you every night ♪

♪ But darlin'
don't cling to me ♪

♪ I'll soon be out of sight ♪

♪ But we can sing
in the sunshine ♪

♪ We'll laugh everyday ♪

♪ We'll sing in the sunshine ♪

♪ Then I'll be on my way ♪

♪ We'll sing in the sunshine ♪

♪ We'll laugh every day ♪

♪ We'll sing in the sunshine ♪

♪ Then I'll be on my way ♪

♪ Then I'll be on my way ♪

♪ Then I'll be on my way ♪

[applause]

Now we could go on
like this for hours

but we've grown to like you,
so we'll stop.

But not before we say thank you
to our wonderful guest star,

Helen Reddy. Yay!

Thank you, Kermit.

I can't tell you how much
I enjoyed working with a camel.

Oh, you say you enjoyed it?

I said I can't tell you that.

Hey, lady... you like him?
He's yours.

Good grief. What's his name?

- Sopwith.
- Sopwith, the camel?

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

- Just as I thought.
- What's that?

After this show,
nothing hurts.