03x18 - Leslie Uggams

[bunniefuu]

[knocking]

Leslie Uggams?
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Uggams.

Thank you, Scooter.

Um, it is true that
Big Bird from Sesame Street

is on the show tonight, right?

Well, that's right, Leslie.

Well, would you tell him
that his younger brother

is in my dressing room?

[clucking laughter]

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show
with our very special guest stars,

Leslie Uggams and Big Bird
of Sesame Street. Yay!

[applause and cheers]

[Muppet theme plays]

♪ It's time to
play the music ♪

♪ It's time to
light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to
put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to
dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started ♪

[clucking in tune]

♪ Its time to
get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational,
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show ♪

- [duck call]
- [quacking]

[applause]

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

And welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

And we've got some show
for you tonight.

Because our special guest
is the lovely

singer, dancer and actress,
Miss Leslie Uggams.

And also, making a special
appearance tonight

is a friend of mine
from Sesame Street,

Big Bird and...

Oh, hey, Kermit.
Now? Huh, now?

Uh, not yet, Big Bird. You come
a little later in the show.

Oh, OK. I'll just
wait back here then.

Yeah, yeah.
Just watch out for the...

[crashing, glass shatters]

...overhead lights.

Uh, anyhow, now
ladies and gentlemen,

our very special guest,
Miss Leslie Uggams!

- [applause]
- [clamoring]

[♪ Hey There Good Times]

♪ Hey there, good times
here I am ♪

♪ Welcome back
your baby lamb ♪

♪ Open wide them
golden doors ♪

♪ And set my chair down
next to yours ♪

♪ I've been freezin',
sneezin' ♪

♪ Out there where
the bad times blow ♪

♪ Please don't stop
to scold me ♪

♪ Let your lovin' arms
enfold me ♪

♪ Hey there, good times
take my hand ♪

♪ Give my music
to the band ♪

♪ Dust off that
old welcome mat ♪

♪ And show me where
to hang my hat ♪

♪ I've been lost
for all these years ♪

♪ Cryin' buckets
full of tears ♪

♪ Though I'm used
and bruised and muddy ♪

♪ Clap my back and
call me buddy ♪

[monsters] ♪ Bye bye
bad times ♪

♪ Pack your gear ♪

♪ I've had bad times ♪

♪ Up to here ♪

♪ Hey there glad times ♪

♪ Please appear ♪

♪ Show me that
I'm not forgotten ♪

♪ Oil me down and
spoil me rotten ♪

[monsters] ♪ So long
bum days ♪

♪ Gotta split ♪

[all] ♪ Gloomy glum days ♪

♪ Go on, get ♪

[monsters] ♪ Sugarplum days ♪

♪ Shake my mitt ♪

[all] ♪ Shout hurray
and hallelujah ♪

♪ Happy days are
comin' to ya ♪

♪ So long bum days ♪

♪ Gotta split ♪

♪ Gloomy glum days ♪

♪ Go on, get ♪

♪ Sugarplum days ♪

♪ Shake my mitt ♪

♪ Shout hooray
and hallelujah ♪

♪ Baby's back and
runnin' to ya ♪

♪ Bye bye bad times ♪

♪ So long sad times ♪

♪ Hey there good times ♪

♪ Here I am ♪

Well, that number shows
what a great actress Leslie Uggams is.

Actress? She wasn't acting,
she was singing.

Yes, but she looked
like she enjoyed it.

That's acting.

- OK, nice number.
- Ow! Ow!

- Oh, very good, Leslie.
- Thank you.

- Who stepped on your toe?
- What?

Who stepped on your toe?

Well, I did!

Kermit, if you need me,
I'll be in Camilla's dressing room.

Oh, Camilla.
Camilla the chicken?

Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I'm so nervous.

Tonight's our first formal date
and I'm almost sick with fear.

Well, I imagine she
feels much the same.

Oh, you think so?
Oh, boy.

Suppose I get so excited
that I faint?

Gonzo, I don't know.
I suppose she'll have to give you

mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.

She'll have to what?!

Or in your case,
mouth-to-beak resuscitation.

[Gonzo shouts]

- [thud]
- Gonzo, are you OK?

Of course, I was just
rehearsing my faint.

I hope Camilla's been
rehearsing hers.

[clucking a tune]

- [knocking]
- [Gonzo clucking]

[clucking]

[Gonzo] It's me.

[clucking]

[laughs]

Camilla, my apricot,
these are for you.

[sneezing]

[crashing]

[stammers] Oh, oh, gosh.
I think the room is spinning.

I may faint.

[shouts]

[thud]

- How was that?
- [sneezing]

- [preparing to sneeze]
- [stammering] Camilla?

Camilla? Camilla, aren't you
going to kiss me?

[crashing]

Oh, great. Just my luck.

A chicken with hay fever.

- [Camilla panting]
- Well, look now, Camilla,

Camilla, why don't I take
you out for some fresh air?

OK? That will
make it all better.

[panting]

[relieved sigh]

[clears throat]
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,

here at Muppet Labs

where the future
is being made today.

Well, jeepers,
you're about to witness

the world's first demonstration
of fireproof paper.

Here is my assistant Beaker,
carrying a lighted blowtorch.

He will now show you
how impossible it is

to ignite the fireproof paper
in this basket.

[screams]

[Bunsen] There is no way
this paper can burn.

With Muppets' fireproof paper,
you will always feel secure.

Tune in next time,
and witness Muppet Labs

new answer to
the energy crisis,

- flammable water.
- [screams]

That's all for now,
from Muppet Labs.

- [Bunsen] Oh, dear.
- [Beaker screams]

What do you suppose
they call that?

A novelty act?

I don't know,
but it wasn't too bad.

Well, that's a novelty.

[Piggy sighs] ♪ La la ♪

Holy maracas!

Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.

Huh. No kiddin'?

- I'm a friend of Kermit's.
- Oh.

Yeah, we both come from the same
neighborhood, Sesame Street.

Oh, isn't that that cute little
children's show with puppets?

Uh-huh. Well, who are you?

Who am I?

I am Miss Piggy.

Oh. Well, do you
work around here?

Uh, listen, yellow thing,

uh, do you see this star here?

Oh, yes. It's very pretty.

And, uh, do you know
why it is there?

- Well, uh...
- Hmm? Hmm?

Perfect attendance?

[clears throat] I am the
singing star of this show.

A singing pig?!

[laughs] That's very funny.

Kiss your feathers
goodbye, bird.

Hi-yah...

- [screams]
- [thud]

Oh! You do acrobatics, too.

She's very versatile.

Oh, Leslie, it's
really a pleasure

to have you on the show
with us.

Well, thank you, Lew.
And it's a thrill for me

to work with
a boomerang-fish thrower.

Well, I should think so.

Listen, Lew, what does
it take to become

a great boomerang-fish
thrower?

Well, you gotta have sole.

And if you can't get sole,
use halibut.

I should have guessed.

But in that case,
I use a catcher's mitt.

Why? No, no, don't tell me.
Let me guess.

Uh, just for the halibut?

See, you're catching on.

Listen, how did you acquire
this talent? Was it an accident?

No, it was on porpoise.

I give him the straight lines
and he gives me the fish lines.

Yeah.

You know, I started this act
using kippers.

My brother and I did the act
together, but we split up.

- Why?
- [both] Am I my brother's kipper?

I gotta quit this
and sing my song.

Oh, great idea.
I'll accompany you on this.

Well, Lew, I was kind
of expecting violins.

- Well, what the heck?
- Yeah.

[♪ Here You Come Again]

♪ Here you come again ♪

♪ Lookin' better than a body
has a right to ♪

♪ And shakin' me up so
that all I really know ♪

♪ Is here you come again ♪

♪ And here I go ♪

- Two at once.
- All right.

- [whistling]
- Fascinating. I love this.

Whoo! Fun, fun, fun!

Watch this.

♪ All you gotta do
is smile that smile ♪

♪ And there go
all my defenses ♪

♪ Just leave it up to you
and in a little while ♪

♪ You're messin' up
my mind ♪

♪ And fillin' up my senses ♪

♪ Here we go again ♪

- Oh, this is fabulous.
- Swordfish this time.

♪ Lookin' better than a body
has a right to ♪

♪ And shakin' me up so
that all I really know ♪

♪ Is here you come again ♪

♪ And here I go ♪

[shouts] ♪ And here I go ♪

[Leslie] Ahh!

Ma!

[applause]

That reminds me. This show has
always reminded me of a sardine.

Why?

It's a little fishy.

[laughing]

[both gasp]

♪ Mad about the frog ♪

♪ I know it's stupid
to be mad about the frog ♪

♪ I'm so ashamed of it ♪

♪ But must admit
the sleepless nights ♪

♪ I've had about the frog ♪

♪ On the silver screen ♪

♪ He melts my foolish heart
in every little scene ♪

♪ Although I'm quite aware
that here and there ♪

♪ Are traces of the cad
about the frog ♪

♪ Lord knows I'm not
a fool girl ♪

♪ I really shouldn't care ♪

♪ Lord knows I'm not
a schoolgirl ♪

♪ In the flurry of her
first affair ♪

♪ Will it ever cloy? ♪

♪ This odd diversity
of misery and joy ♪

♪ I'm feeling quite insane
and young again ♪

♪ And all because
I'm mad about the frog ♪

♪ Will it ever cloy ♪

♪ This odd diversity
of misery and joy ♪

♪ I'm feeling quite insane
and young again ♪

♪ And all because ♪

♪ I'm mad about that frog ♪

[announcer] And now,
Bear On Patrol.

[Fozzie] All right, come on!

- You just come with me, you...
- [grunting]

Sir, Sergeant,
I have just picked up...

In a minute, Patrol Bear.
I have to finish this report.

Oh, drat, I made a mistake.

Now, I'll have to
start all over again.

But sir, can't
that report wait?

No, this is a very
serious charge.

- What is it?
- Littering.

Sir, this also is
a very serious charge.

Oh, yeah?
What's the charge?

Impersonating an officer.

Can you prove it?

Of course I can
prove it, Sergeant.

Go ahead, do your stuff.

OK, impersonating an officer.

- [drum roll]
- [clears throat]

Ahh. Of course I can
prove it, Sergeant.

Go ahead,
do your stuff. Ahh.

- Hey, that's not bad.
- Thank you.

Yep, now look, Sergeant,

this is a very
dangerous criminal.

He should be locked up.

I think he
should be locked up.

Here are the keys.
I'll finish up the report.

I'm going to lock him up.

I should've known better
than to try to fool with you, Patrol Bear.

Yeah, you're darn tootin'!

- After you.
- Thank you.

Listen, tell me what kind
of food you like and I'll...

[clears throat]
Uh, see you later, Sarge.

[Sergeant] Right.

Sergeant, wait a minute!
He locked me in!

Not bad. You sound more
like him all the time.

Now try to do me.

Oh! Sergeant, you don't
understand! He got away!

No, that's not me.
You still sound like

that dumb bear
that brought you in here.

Try it again. I have a deep,
authoritative voice.

Sergeant, will you just
turn around, please?!

Better, but keep trying.
You need more macho.

Tell me, Gonzo,
what is it about Camilla

that first attracted
you to her?

Are you kidding?
Everything.

She's beautiful, witty,
charming, delightful company,

a good cook and
she's very talented.

Really? What does she do?

Camilla!

[flamenco music]

Arriba!

Cha cha cha!

- Oh, wow!
- Yeah.

Well, I would've thought
that was impossible!

What, to get a chicken
to dance?

No, to find tap shoes
for claws.

Hello, I am Vend-A-Wish.

Deposit a coin
and I will answer

any wish you may have.

[bleeping]

[coin dropping]

Thank you. Now, please state
your wish and I will grant it.

Oh, I wish I was taller.

- Taller.
- Yeah.

[electronic noises]

[groaning]

Next.

Camilla, I have
written a song for you.

Sinatra or Mick Jagger
will probably wanna record it.

But I want you to
hear it from me first.

[cooing]

[strumming guitar]

♪ You alone, you are
my one and only chicken ♪

♪ Steady ♪

[clucking along to music]

♪ And if you leave, I will
alone and lonely sicken ♪

♪ Ready ♪

[clucking]

♪ You and I ♪

♪ We're a team
and that's a fact ♪

[Camilla clucking]

♪ You and I ♪

♪ What a terrific idea
for an act ♪

Oh, listen to the rhymes
in the chorus.

It's very Cole Porter-y.

♪ Camilla ♪

♪ You're sweeter than wine
or vanilla, Camilla ♪

[cooing]

♪ Come lie beneath this tree
It's a willa ♪

♪ Camilla ♪

[clucking]

♪ Camilla ♪

♪ The night it grows
stilla and stilla ♪

♪ Camilla ♪

♪ You're prettier by far
than Godzilla ♪

♪ Camilla ♪

Who are you?

Huh? Me?

Wow! Perfection incarnate!

Wow! Statuesque,

and yet still poultry
in every sense.

[moaning]

You have that one thing
lacking in chickens.

[sighs] Bulk.

I'm so confused.

You are so huge!

I have no idea what you're
talking about, sir.

I was just looking for
Miss Uggams.

And you found me.

Lady luck has smiled
and showered us

- with that certain thing...
- [clucks]

Flower pot.

[scoffs]

Oh, please, Dr. Honeydew,
I can't go through life with this long neck.

Never fear, at Muppet Labs
we have done extensive research

on shortening long necks.

- Then you can help?
- Of course.

This is our latest
therapy technique.

[gasps]

[sighs]

Don't thank me.
It's all in a day's work.

[Kermit gasps]

Please, Dr. Honeydew,
don't leave a mess backstage.

If you're through playing
with him, put him away!

[fanfare]

And now, once again,
here is our very special guest,

who will be joined by a
very tall feathered friend

who just wandered in
off the street,

uh, Sesame Street,
to be precise.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Big Bird and Leslie Uggams.

[♪ Love Will Keep Us Together ]

- ♪ Stop ♪
- [birds] ♪ Stop ♪

♪ 'Cause I really love you ♪

- ♪ Stop ♪
- ♪ Stop ♪

♪ I've been thinking of you ♪

♪ Look in my heart
and let love ♪

♪ Keep us together ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love will keep us together ♪

♪ Think of me babe whenever ♪

♪ Some sweet talking bird
comes along ♪

♪ Singing his song ♪

♪ Don't mess around
We just got to be strong ♪

- ♪ Just stop ♪
- ♪ Stop ♪

♪ 'Cause I really love you ♪

- ♪ Stop ♪
- ♪ Stop ♪

♪ I'll be thinking of you ♪

♪ Look in my heart
and let love ♪

♪ Keep us together ♪

- ♪ Whatever ♪
- [smash]

♪ You ♪

♪ You belong to me now ♪

♪ Ain't gonna set you
free now ♪

♪ When those birds
start hanging around ♪

♪ Talking me down ♪

♪ Hear with your heart
and you won't hear a sound ♪

- ♪ Just stop ♪
- ♪ Stop ♪

♪ 'Cause I really love you ♪

- ♪ Stop ♪
- ♪ Stop ♪

♪ I'll be thinking of you ♪

♪ Look in my heart
and let love ♪

♪ Keep us together ♪

♪ Whatever ♪

♪ Together ♪

I think we've just about come
down to the end of another one,

but before we go,
let us have a warm thank you

for our very special guest star,
the lovely Leslie Uggams!

Yay!

Thank you, Kermit.

Chicky baby,
you've gotta forgive me.

I'll never talk
to another chicken again.

- [clucking]
- Oh, hi, Camilla.

[screams] Camilla?!

Gonzo, you're quite a shocker.

I thought that Camilla
was your one true love.

Oh, yeah, uh, well,

chickens all look
the same to me.

[Camilla clucks]

[Gonzo gasping]

Girls, please.
Well, I'd like to thank

a really different
looking chicken,

Big Bird from Sesame Street.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

And we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

[chickens squawking]

Have we ever said that
this show is for the birds?

Yes, and we'll keep saying it
until it gets a laugh.

[all laugh]