03x24 - Cheryl Ladd

[bunniefuu]

Cheryl Ladd. Cheryl Ladd?

Twenty seconds to curtain,
Miss Ladd.

Oh, thank you, Scooter.

I, I just can't seem to
get my costume off.

Off? You're supposed
to put it on.

I know, but, uh, first he takes
it off and then I'll put it on.

[drumroll]

It's the Muppet Show with
our very special guest star,

Cheryl Ladd! Yay!

[applause and cheers]

[band plays theme song]

♪ It's time to
play the music ♪

♪ It's time to
light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to
put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to
dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪

Hey, would you guys be quiet?
We're trying to heckle up here!

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational,
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we
call The Muppet Show ♪

[alarm clock]

[audience laughs]

[applause]

Thank you, thank you,
thank you

and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

Tonight our special guest
is one of the loveliest

and most talented ladies

of the entire entertainment
world, Cheryl Ladd.

But first, on stage

Miss Piggy and Link Hogthrob
in a steamy jungle number.

Many people are returning
to the natural life

in search of
peace and tranquility.

Well, this may
change their mind.

[exotic bird calls]

♪ Suntanned, windblown ♪

♪ Honeymooners at last alone ♪

♪ Feeling ♪

♪ Far above par ♪

♪ Oh how lucky ♪

♪ We are ♪

♪ While I give to you ♪

♪ And you give to me ♪

♪ True love ♪

♪ True ♪

[grunts]

♪ So on and on ♪

♪ Will it always be ♪

♪ True love ♪

♪ True love ♪

[tempo quickens]

♪ For you and I
have a guardian angel ♪

♪ On high with nothing to ♪

[all make noises]

♪ But to give to you
as you give to me ♪

♪ Love forever ♪

[all make noises]

- [tempo slows]
- [both] ♪ For you and I ♪

♪ Have a guardian angel ♪

♪ On high ♪

♪ With nothing to do ♪

- ♪ But to give to me ♪
- [bird squawks]

- ♪ What I give to you ♪
- [all birds calling]

- ♪ Love forever ♪
- [all loud noises]

Knock it off!

♪ Love forever ♪

- ♪ True ♪
- [all loud noises]

Me Waldorf, you Statler.

No, you Waldorf, me sick.

OK, nicely sung, Piggy.

- Thank you, Kermie.
- Yes, nicely sung, chimp.

[jungle call]

[glass breaks]

And nicely swung, Link.

Ah, Rowlf, on stage
for your piano piece.

I'm ready. Don't worry.
It'll be great.

- Mm-hmm.
- It won't be great.

Good, yes, but he plays it
too fortissimo.

- Whatever you say.
- Uh, Kermit, Kermit, excuse...

Hi. Uh, Kermit, excuse me,
are you busy?

I'm doing that introduction
for Cheryl Ladd.

Good. Listen.
Uh, I've been, uh,

reading a book here
on self-improvement.

- Yeah.
- And it says, uh, it says, uh,

I should ask my boss,
that's you,

uh, to make a list
of my good points and my bad points.

Fozzie, you don't want me
to do that.

Oh, but Kermit, I do.

You see, it will help me
to grow into a more mature

and adult bear.

Well, OK, if you
really want me to.

Oh, thank you, Kermit.
Thank you.

Went pretty good, Kermit.
But I think I played it too fortissimo.

What did I tell you?

Kermit, excuse me. Kermit.

- You know that list?
- Yeah.

Well, when you make it,
you know, really, really be honest.

OK? But, uh, gentle.

How can you gently run over
someone with a truck?

[fanfare]

Ladies and gentlemen,
our guest star tonight

is best known for her dazzling
performances on television.

But acting is only one of
the things she does well.

See for yourself.
Here she is, Cheryl Ladd!

♪ Do you hear the b*at ♪

♪ Away down the street ♪

♪ Do you hear the neat
little rhythm ♪

♪ Of the happy
dancing feet ♪

♪ Well now look there
the people are running ♪

♪ And right now they're gonna
have a lot of fun ♪

♪ Make way 'cause
everybody's comin' ♪

♪ And you'll see
the big parade ♪

♪ Make room,
gimme some air ♪

♪ I got some rhythm to spare
We'll all swing high ♪

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Everybody's rockin'
to and fro ♪

♪ It ain't fast or slow ♪

♪ But oh that ♪

Aah!

♪ They're doing it,
soft-shoeing it ♪

♪ They're trying it,
untying it ♪

♪ They're jiving it,
reviving it ♪

♪ I tell you ♪

♪ They're strutting it,
rug-cutting it ♪

♪ They're shaking it
and breaking it ♪

♪ Dad, not bad ♪

♪ I'm glad you dig ♪

♪ Hear now ♪

♪ It's loud and clear now ♪

♪ I really get a thrill ♪

♪ I know I always will ♪

♪ Whenever I can hear
the rhythm of a band ♪

♪ Louisiana band
gotta get a hand ♪

♪ The South Rampart Street ♪

♪ Parade ♪

Yeah.

OK, Pigs in Space next.
Set up Pigs in Space.

OK, boy, that was
a great number.

That Cheryl Ladd is terrific.

Yes, but that trumpet player
kept going flat.

If I remember my history,

Beethoven was supposed
to be deaf.

I'm not Beethoven, dummy.
I'm a bust of Beethoven.

- Of course.
- It's a job.

You gotta do something
for a living

and I'm a bust of Beethoven.
Any more questions?

Uh, no, no, no,
uh, nothing.

- Just forget the...
- Kermit, excuse me.

- What?
- Excuse me.

Uh, Kermit, have you
finished that list,

you know, with my good points
and my bad points?

Uh, well not yet.
I just made a few notes and...

Oh, oh, a few notes, yes.
Oh. Let's see.

Um, uh...

Kermit, you're kidding!

You don't really think
that I...

Oh, no.

Uh, not that. Kermit.
Uh, look at this, look at...

- Yeah, but...
- I don't believe this.

OK, sometimes I may be
a little... Oh, Kermit, not this.

Well, Fozzie, I think
I better explain.

- No, no. Kermit, it's OK.
- You see...

It's OK. I can understand
how you might think

I have these bad points.

Well, actually that list
is your good points.

I think I better go
get a cup of coffee.

You wanna talk bad points?

Let's start with that crummy hat
you always wear.

[growls]

[bleeping]

[announcer] And now,

Pigs in Space!

When last we left
the Swinetrek,

Dr. Strangepork
was on the verge of

completing his mysterious
experiment.

Well, Link, this is it.

At last my work is completed

and I can present the universe
with this little baby.

- Well, what is it?
- It's a pill

- that makes pigs invisible.
- Hmm.

What a wonderful and useful
invention. Let's try it.

Oh, certainly.

- Well, here's looking at you.
- But not for long.

[Link] This is weird.

[Doctor] Well, I think
it's peachy neat.

[Link] I think I'm gonna
have to sit down.

[Link yawns]

Link, Link,
uh, Strangepork.

Hmm. No one on the bridge.

Strange.

- [Doctor giggles]
- [Link shushing]

Hello? Link?

Hello? Hmm.

Well, I'll just
use the intercom.

- [Link grunts]
- [screams]

Whoo-hoo.

I'd say this chair is due
for a spell of leave.

Uh, testing,
one, two, three.

Hogthrob to the bridge.

Hogthrob to...

What the hey?

I know that hit!

- [giggles]
- Strangepork!

- Link!
- The pills are beginning to wear off.

- Mm-hmm.
- Pills? Wait a minute.

A-ha. I get it.

OK, how'd you like a taste
of your own medicine?

[laughing]

Uh, what do you think
she's planning?

I don't know, Link, but
let's not shtick around to find out!

- Yeah.
- [Piggy] Link?

- Huh?
- [Piggy] Hi-yah!

- [grunts]
- Oh-oh. Too late. We found out.

- [Piggy] Hi-yah!
- [grunts]

- [Piggy] Hi-yah!
- [grunts]

Oh, smell that country air.

[both smell deeply]

[British accent] Yes, it's
a lovely spot for a picnic 'round here.

- It's really nice.
- Shh. What's that sound?

[strange mewling]

♪ There's a new sound
the newest sound around ♪

♪ The strangest sound
that you have ever heard ♪

♪ Not like a wild boar
or a jungle lion's roar ♪

♪ It isn't like the cry
of any bird ♪

♪ But there's a new sound
it's deep down in the ground ♪

♪ And everyone who
listens to it squirms ♪

♪ Because this new, new sound
so deep down in the ground ♪

♪ Is the sound that's
made by worms ♪

[mewling]

♪ There's a new sound
the newest sound around ♪

♪ The strangest sound
that you have ever heard ♪

♪ Not like a wild boar
or a jungle lion's roar ♪

♪ It isn't like the cry
of any bird ♪

♪ But there's a new sound
it's deep down in the ground ♪

♪ And everyone who
listens to it squirms ♪

♪ Because this new, new sound
so deep down in the ground ♪

♪ Is the sound that's
made by worms ♪

[mewling]

♪ There's a new sound
the newest sound around ♪

♪ The strangest sound
that you have ever heard ♪

♪ Not like a wild boar
or a jungle lion's roar ♪

♪ It isn't like the cry
of any bird ♪

♪ But there's a new sound
it's deep down in the ground ♪

♪ And everyone who
listens to it squirms ♪

♪ Because this new, new sound
so deep down in the ground ♪

♪ Is the sound that's
made by worms ♪

[mewling to the b*at]

♪ There's a new sound
the newest sound around ♪

♪ The strangest sound
that you have ever heard ♪

♪ Not like a wild boar
or a jungle lion's roar ♪

♪ It isn't like the cry
of any bird ♪

♪ But there's a new sound
it's deep down in the ground ♪

♪ And everyone who
listens to it squirms ♪

♪ Because this new, new sound
so deep down in the ground ♪

♪ Is the sound that's
made by worms! ♪

[mewling to the b*at]

Excusez-moi, Cheryl.
Are you busy?

Oh, no, Miss Piggy.
Come in.

Ah, thank you.

Oh, by the way, I borrowed
some of your perfume.

I hope you don't mind.

[sniffs] Oh, that stuff's OK.

Oh. I'm glad you came in,

there was something I wanted
to talk to you about.

Oh? Tell me. Yes?

- Oh.
- No, go ahead.

- Oh, come on.
- I am really a big fan of yours.

Of course.

Although I, I am
a bit surprised.

You see, most women
are insanely jealous of me.

Oh. Well, I can understand that.
You certainly are a thr*at.

Mm-hmm.

Beauty can be a curse.

Would you like to know
what I admire most about you?

Well... [clears throat]
I, uh, I'd like to guess.

Um, my big blue eyes?

My beautiful blonde hair?

- My sylph-like figure?
- Nope, your chops.

- What?
- Your chops. Your karate chops.

Oh, ha-ha, like that.
Oh, yes, of course.

You're really super.
I've seen you in action.

Well, I've seen you
deck a few baddies yourself.

- We have to protect ourselves.
- Mm-hmm.

- We are just helpless girls.
- Mm-hmm.

- Ready?
- Ready.

♪ I'm a girl and by me
that's only great ♪

♪ I am proud that
my silhouette is curvy ♪

♪ I walk with a
sweet and girlish gait ♪

♪ With my hips kinda
swivelly and swervey ♪

♪ I adore being dressed
in something frilly ♪

♪ When my date comes
to get me at my place ♪

♪ Out I go with my Joe
or John or Billy ♪

♪ Like a filly
who is ready for the race ♪

Mmm.

Oh, oh. This is the dummy
I practice on.

Oh, Cheryl, how sweet.

I have a dummy too. Kermie!

Yeah? What do you want?

- Now, sweetie, just trust me.
- Yeah?

- Ready?
- Right. [Piggy clears throat]

♪ When I have a
brand new hairdo ♪

Hah!

♪ With my eyelashes
all in curls ♪

♪ I float like the clouds
on air do ♪

♪ I enjoy being a girl ♪

♪ When men say I'm
cute and funny ♪

Hi-yah!

♪ And my teeth aren't teeth
but pearls ♪

- ♪ I just lap it up like ♪
- Ahh!

- [screams]
- ♪ Honey ♪

♪ I enjoy being a girl ♪

♪ I flip when a fellow
sends me flowers ♪

- ♪ I drool over dresses
made of lace ♪ - [yells]

♪ I talk on the telephone
for hours ♪

♪ With a pound and a half
of cream upon his face ♪

What? Ahh!

[Piggy] All right!

♪ I'm strictly
a female female ♪

Yeah! ♪ And my future
I hope will be ♪ Ha-ha!

[both] ♪ In the home of
a brave and free male ♪

♪ Who'll enjoy being a guy ♪

♪ Having a girl ♪

♪ Like me ♪

[grunts, smacks lips]

Huh, lemon meringue.

OK, Gonzo, stand by
for your hypnotism act.

Chickens, what are you
doing here? Shoo, shoo!

- Kermit! Kermit!
- Shoo! What?

- Careful!
- What?

Those chickens
are hypnotized.

- Hypnotized chickens?
- Yes. They're in my power.

Gonzo.

- I don't believe this.
- Oh, sure.

I hypnotize 'em and then I can
get 'em to do anything I want.

Oh, like what?

Animal impressions.
Puppy dog.

[all] Bark-bark. Bark-bark.
Bark-bark.

Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible.

I'm not even gonna introduce you
for a crummy act like that.

- Sic him.
- [all] Bow-wow, bow-wow.

- [Kermit yelling]
- Down, girl.

OK, OK, OK, OK,
I'll introduce him.

Meow.

Anyhow, here he is,
ladies and gentlemen.

Uh, your own and
you're welcome to him,

Gonzo the Great!

- [band plays]
- Off, off, off, off.

- [single person claps]
- Thank you, thank you.

And now, students
of the occult,

I shall demonstrate
my amazing powers of hypnosis.

I shall place a member
of the audience in a trance

aided only by the mysterious
strength of hypnotic suggestion,

my subject will support,
with only one hand,

this 5,000 pound weight.

Who will be the first
lucky volunteer?

Well, it's just a question
of mind over matter.

That's right! You don't mind
and we don't matter.

You'll live to regret this!

We intend to!

I just don't understand
you people!

Immortality is up for grabs!

But you don't deserve it.

No, but you do.

[both laugh]

What a terrific idea!

I'll hypnotize myself.

I'll go down in history!

[clears throat]

- [drumroll]
- Look deep into my eyes.

Make my mind
a complete blank.

My eyelids are getting heavy.

I am falling into my power.

When I count three I will have
the strength of an army.

One, two, three.

[cymbals]

- [drumroll]
- Release the ropes!

That's very impressive.
But how do you get out of it?

It's simple.
I just snap my fingers.

[grunting]

Hey, Kermit!
It went terrific!

He says it went terrific,
but I know how he really feels.

- How's that?
- About so high.

So high.

OK, that was a nice one,
Gonzo.

It was a triumph.

I don't know where
you find these acts to do.

Oh, I just keep my ear
to the ground.

It looks like it.

Uh, you will all
be happy to know

that Gonzo did survive
that last act

and is about to embark
on a new career as a lump.

But now it's time for
our closing number.

Are we ready back there?

[voice] Who wants to know?

- I do!
- Oh, yeah, sorry, boss.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
the wonderful Miss Cheryl Ladd!

♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ On my shoulders ♪

♪ Makes me happy ♪

♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ In my eyes ♪

♪ Can make me cry ♪

♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ On the water ♪

♪ Looks so lovely ♪

♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ Almost always ♪

♪ Makes me high ♪

- ♪ If I had a day ♪
- [animals] ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ That I could give you ♪

[animals] ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'd give to you ♪

♪ A day just like today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ And if I had a song ♪

- ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ That I could sing for you ♪

♪ I'd sing a song ♪

- ♪ To make you feel this way ♪
- ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ On my shoulders ♪

♪ Makes me happy ♪

[Muppets] ♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ In my eyes ♪

♪ Can make me cry ♪

♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ On the water ♪

♪ Looks so lovely ♪

[all] ♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ Almost always ♪

♪ Makes me high ♪

It looks like we've come down
to the end of another one.

But before we go,

let us have a warm thank you
for our very special guest,

- Miss Cheryl Ladd.
- [all cheer]

[applause]

Kermit, I just wanted
to tell you thank you.

I have had so much fun
working with the Muppets.

I wanna thank each of you.
Starting from the top.

Oh, no. That means I'm last.

Hey, Gonzo, don't be
such a baby. Grow up.

I'm trying, I'm trying.

OK, we'll see you
next time on The Muppet Show!

It was really great
to have you here.

[chatter]

[drumroll]

Well, let's go while
the going's good.

Well, I'm glad something's
good tonight.