04x01 - John Denver

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

John Denver.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, John.

All right, Scooter. Thanks.

Listen, Denver. You're a good kid.

Let me help you get away
so you don't have to do this crummy show.

Come on.

Wait a minute.
I wanna work with the Muppets.

You do?

Well, yeah.

I think this is a terrific show, Waldorf.

You're beyond help.





It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
John Denver.

[CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

-Well?
-He wouldn't listen.

They must have brainwashed him.

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[EXPLODES]

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Whoopee!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

It's going to be a terrific show

because our guest star is one of
the great talents of the music world,

Mr. John Denver.

Because John is such an outdoors lover,

we're going to spend a lot of the show
in the country.

Kermit, I haven't quite finished
building the set yet.

Well, uh, how much time you need?

Thursday?

Uh, Beau, we have to do the number now.

Okay, but it looks like a b*ttlefield
back there.

-It's supposed to.
-Oh, then it's finished.

Ladies and gentlemen, our opening number!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING MARCH]

[BOMBS EXPLODING]

[BAND PLAYING MELLOW FOLK MUSIC]

ALL:
♪ La-la-la la, la, la ♪

♪ La-la-la la, la, la ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

[FRENCH ACCENT]
♪ We just can't wait until the w*r begin ♪

[FRENCH ACCENT]
♪ They give a medal to you if you win ♪

BOTH:
♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
♪ Don't ever ask the general ♪

♪ "What's it for?" ♪

[HARRY LAUGHING]

[NEW YORK ACCENT]
♪ 'Cause he'd be out of work ♪

♪ Without a w*r ♪

BOTH:
♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

Aw.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
♪ Why don't we drop our g*ns ♪

♪ And all shake hands? ♪

[GERMAN ACCENT]
♪ Forget der w*r ♪

♪ Und make some other plans? ♪

ALL:
♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ We're getting tired
And our feet are sore ♪

♪ Let's head for home
And say to heck with w*r ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

CHORUS 1: ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪
CHORUS 2: ♪ Why can't... ♪

-♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪
-♪ ...we be friends? ♪

-♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪
-♪ Why can't... ♪

-♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪
-♪ ...we be friends? ♪

[g*nf*re]

ALL:
♪ Truce! ♪

[ALL CHATTERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

They got up. We must have missed them.

We didn't miss them.
We were sh**ting blanks.

-We were?
-Of course.

[YELPING]

Well, some of them were blanks.

Okay, nice opening number.

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

Okay, soldiers, nicely waged.

All right, Your Amphibiousness,

now what is this important announcement
you wanted to make?

-Yes, what?
-What is it?

Okay, listen, everybody,

John Denver has invited us all
to join him on a weekend camping trip.

-Oh! Up in the mountains?
-Uh, well, actually, no.

John and I decided it would be fun
to show you the land of my birth.

-You mean...?
-Yes, it'll be a weekend in the swamp!

[ALL GROAN]

I just remembered,
I got a basketball game on Saturday.

The band's got three extra gigs
this weekend.

Yeah, and I signed up
for a seminar on mildew.

Now, listen, everyone.

A wonderful thing has just happened.

Our Kermie has offered to take us
on a visit to his homeland.

Overnight.

I think we should all be grateful to him.

-Thank you very much, Miss Piggy.
-Mm-hm.

Besides, a weekend in the swamp
will be very healthy for you all.

Uh, just how do you figure that?

If you go,
I won't put you in the hospital.

Let's go pack those knapsacks.

-Do that, good.
-Nice spirit.

Ahh. I wonder if they have room service.

Ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight

is one of the good guys
of contemporary music,

Mr. John Denver.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[PLAYING TRANQUIL FOLK MUSIC]

♪ Inch by inch, row by row ♪

♪ Gonna make this garden grow ♪

♪ All it takes is a rake and a hoe ♪

♪ And a piece of fertile ground ♪

♪ Inch by inch, row by row ♪

♪ Someone bless these seeds I sow ♪

♪ Someone warm them from below ♪

♪ 'Til the rain comes tumbling down ♪

♪ Pulling weeds and picking stones ♪

♪ Man is made of dreams and bones ♪

♪ Feel the need to grow my own ♪

♪ 'Cause the time is close at hand ♪

♪ Grain for grain, sun and rain ♪

♪ Find my way in nature's chain ♪

♪ Tune my body and my brain ♪

♪ To the music of the land ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Inch by inch ♪

♪ Row by row ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Plant your rows straight and long ♪

♪ Temper them with prayer and song ♪

♪ Mother Earth will make you strong ♪

♪ If you give her love and care ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Love and care, ah ♪
-♪ Old crow watching hungrily ♪

-♪ From his perch in yonder tree ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ah ♪

♪ In my garden I'm as free ♪

♪ As that feathered thief up there ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Inch by inch ♪

♪ Row by row ♪

♪ Inch by inch, row by row ♪

-♪ Gonna make this garden grow ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

-♪ All it takes is a rake and a hoe ♪
-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ And a piece of fertile ground ♪

ALL:
♪ Inch by inch, row by row ♪

♪ Someone bless these seeds I sow ♪

♪ Someone warm them from below ♪

♪ 'Til the rain comes tumbling down ♪

♪ 'Til the rain comes tumbling down ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Inch by inch ♪

♪ Row by row ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

You know something?
That was a sweet number.

It sure was.

-You know something else?
-What?

I hate sweet numbers.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, very good, flowers.
Get to your dressing pots.

[FLOWERS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Kermie, oh, I am so excited

about spending a weekend
in the swamp with vous,

you little green hunk, you.

Mwah.

Yeah, well, very good, Miss Piggy,

but you must remember
that camping can be tough.

-We're gonna be roughing it.
-Oh, I know.

That is why I'm only bringing
four long dresses.

And of course, a dozen pairs of shoes,

and some après-swim togs,

-Wait, wait.
-...and my sun-visor spectacles.

Piggy, Piggy,
you can't carry all that stuff.

Carry? I do not intend to carry anything.

Campers carry everything they need.

-Look, come here a second.
-What?

For instance,
Floyd has just packed his backpack.

-See that?
-Ah!

You expect moi to carry that heavy thing?

Sure, that's how you go camping.

Oh, forget it. I am not going.

Okay. As you will.

-Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir...
-Hm?

...when we get to the swamp,
will you give me a swimming lesson?

Oh, why, sure, Annie Sue.

It might be kind of fun
to teach a cute little pig to frog-kick.

-Ha, ha.
-Thank you, sir.

PIGGY:
Kermie!

[GRUNTING]

Kermie, you're right.

This backpack weighs next to nothing. See?

[SCREAMS]

Oh, Annie Sue, pardon moi. Heh.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

♪ Bork, bork, bork ♪

[CHUCKLES]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

...great outdoorsy,

we make the squirrely stew.

Uh, squirrely?

No squirrely. Ooh.

Oh, squirrely?

Oh, where the squir--? Oh, squirrely!

Come down, squirrely.

-Come on. Oh, squirrely.
-Uh-uh.

Oh, please, squirrely, come on down.

We shake the tree.

Come down, squirrely!

Come down, squirrely!
Come on down, squirrely!

Oh. Where the squirrely is?

Come on, squirrely, I'll get you.
Into the pot.

[YELPS]

Come on, squirrely. Get in.

Come on, squirrely! I get the squirrely!

[CHEF SCREAMING]

[BEAR ROARING]

[SQUIRRELS LAUGHING]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Bork, bork, bork.

[ALL LAUGHING]

♪ Inch by inch, row by row ♪

Hiya, Gonzo.

-Oh, hi, John.
-How you doing, man?

Oh, I'm doing fine.

Hey, I really enjoyed your last number.

Aw, thanks very much Gonzo.
I enjoyed that too.

I wonder if you'd share some
of the secrets of your success,

since we're in the same field.

Yeah, I'd be happy to.
You've gotta take care of your throat.

You can't let yourself get too tired
when you're singing.

-You've gotta--
-I don't need help with my singing.

I need help with my gardening.

You've got a garden?

Oh, yeah, John.

I've got the world's biggest mold garden.

Mold garden?

Yeah, mold.

Far out. How did you get into that?

Well, about a year ago
I went away on vacation

and I forgot to clean out my refrigerator.

-Yeah?
-When I got back,

the food was all green and fuzzy,
and it was just too cute to throw out.

Well, so, what's the problem?

Well, I don't have any privacy anymore.

Sometimes I think my garden
is plotting against me.

-You're kidding.
-Aah!

You know, you could be right.

There's a fungus among us.

-Gonzo.
-What?

The bulb in the refrigerator got busted.

How did that happen?

Well, we were playing puffball,
and Reggie hit a long one.

[SIGHS]

All right, I'll replace it,
but this is the last time.

Oh, thanks. You're a real spore.

Yeah, yeah.

♪ Nobody knows the truffles I've seen ♪

Settle, you guys!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[BAND PLAYING TRANQUIL CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[HUMMING]

♪ I think that I shall never see ♪

♪ A poem lovely as a tree ♪

♪ A tree whose hungry mouth
Is pressed ♪

♪ Against the earth's
Sweet flowing breast ♪

♪ A tree that looks at God ♪

♪ All day ♪

♪ And lifts her leafy arms ♪

♪ To pray ♪

♪ A tree that may in summer wear ♪

♪ A nest of robins in her hair ♪

♪ Upon whose bosom
Snow has lain ♪

♪ Who intimately lives with rain ♪

♪ Poems are made ♪

♪ By fools like me ♪

[TREE GROANS]

What a rotten voice.

Ugh. You know what a tree would call you?

A "pine" in the neck.

[TREE LAUGHS]

With a voice like that,
you won't be very "poplar" around here.

[TREE LAUGHS]

If I couldn't sing any better than that,
I'd "leaf." Ha-ha-ha.

Excuse me while I chop some wood.

Hi-yah!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

ALL:
♪ We love to go a-wandering ♪

♪ Along the mountain tracks ♪

♪ And as we go, we love to sing ♪

♪ Our knapsacks on our backs ♪

♪ Val-deri ♪

♪ Val-dera ♪

♪ Val-dera ♪

♪Val-der-- Aah! ♪

[THUDDING]

BOTH:
Uh-oh.

-What your step.
-Yeah, yeah.

BOTH:
♪ High overhead the skylarks wing ♪

♪They never rest at home ♪

♪ But just like us, they love to sing ♪

♪ As o'er the world we roam ♪

♪ Val-deri ♪

♪ Val-dera ♪

♪ Val-dera ♪

♪ Val-der-- Aah! ♪

[WHIMPERS]

[STAMMERING]
♪ Oh, may I go a-wandering ♪

♪ Until the day I d-d-d-die ♪

♪ Oh, may I always laugh and sing
Heh, heh ♪

♪ Beneath the clear blue sky ♪

♪ Val-deri ♪

♪ Val-dera ♪

♪ Val-dera ♪

♪ Val-dera-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! ♪

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
♪ Val-deri ♪

♪ Val-dera ♪

♪ Beneath the clear blue sk-- Aah! ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BLEATING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Hello, Jonathan dear.

-Why, hello, Miss Piggy.
-Ahh, hello.

-Miss Piggy...
-Hmm?

...you look amazing.

And lovely, thank you.

Ahh.

This is my designer-collection
hiking suit, don't you know.

Well, it's...

Piggy, is that a gold lamé backpack
that you're wearing?

Oh, you noticed.

Well, it's hard not to.

Piggy, we are going to the swamp.

PIGGY:
Yes, the swamp.

JOHN: Do you have everything?
Do you have your snakebite kit?

-What?
-Your snakebite kit.

There are snakes in the swamp.
They may bite you.

Uh, snakes?

Well, yes, Piggy, snakes. And also, one...

You need a short, sharp stick
about that long.

-A walking stick, yes.
-No, no, no. This is for the alligators.

Alligators?

Why, yes, darling.

The alligators,
when they open their mouths to eat you,

you jam the stick,
and they can't close their jaws on you.

Can't close their ja... Good. Mm-hm.

Yes, and, also, Piggy, one other thing,
and this is of critical importance.

-Yes?
-Every morning when you get up,

-before you put your boots on...
-Yes?

...be very sure to shake them vigorously.

[STAMMERING]
Why?

Well, Piggy, at night,
when you're asleep in the swamp,

sometimes there are spiders
and little creepy-crawly things...

[PIGGY WHIMPERING]

...and they'll get in your boots,
and if you don't shake them out...

[JOHN LAUGHING]

You think that's funny?

I'm sorry, but, Piggy...

[WHIMPERING CONTINUES]

They'll crawl up your legs, Piggy.

-They'll be all over you.
-No, not the legs, please!

Not there, please! No, please, John!
Oh! Oh! Aah! Oh! Please, please!

[SCREAMING]

Poor girl's got a case of the nerves.

I think she needs a week in the country.

[GROWLING]

Oh, Miss Piggy appears angry.

Angry? No, I am not angry.

Your star is not angry.

She is merely disappointed.

Disappointed?

Yes.

You have not been honest with me, Kermit.

I haven't?

No.

When you told me
we were spending a week in the swamp...

Mm-hm.

...you never said there would be snakes
and spiders and, ahh,

alligators.

Well, no.
I was saving the best part for a surprise.

-Surprise?
-Mm-hm.

Kermie, you are out
of your little green mind.

Oh, well, gee, Miss Piggy, you know,
I was born in the swamp.

My roots are there, and I just wanted
you and my other friends to see it.

But, uh,
we don't have to go back to the swamp.

We can, uh...

We can go back to where you were born.

The sty.

You know, where your roots are.

Where pigs eat swill
and wallow in the mud.

Remember that? Huh?

-Huh? Huh?
-Huh?

Remember this!

-What?
-Hi-yah!

[KERMIT SCREAMS]

[STAMMERS]

Well, uh, ladies and gentlemen,
once again, Mr. John Denver.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING "GRANDMA'S FEATHER BED"]

♪ When I was a little bitty boy
Just up off the floor ♪

♪ We used to go out to Grandma's house
Every month end or so ♪

♪ Have chicken pie and country ham ♪

♪ And homemade butter on the bread ♪

♪ But the best darn thing
About Grandma's house ♪

♪ Was the great big feather bed ♪

ALL: ♪ It was nine feet high
And six feet wide ♪

♪ Soft as a downy chick ♪

♪ It was made from the feathers
Of forty-leven geese ♪

♪ Took a whole bolt of cloth
For the tick ♪

♪ It'd hold eight kids
And four hound dogs ♪

♪ And a piggy we stole
From the shed ♪

♪ We didn't get much sleep
But we had a lot of fun ♪

♪ On Grandma's feather bed ♪

♪ After supper we'd sit around the fire
The old folks'd spit and chew ♪

♪ Pa would talk about the farm and the w*r
And my granny'd sing a ballad or two ♪

♪ And I'd sit and listen, watch the fire
'Til the cobwebs filled my head ♪

♪ Next thing I'd know
I'd wake up in the morning ♪

♪ In the middle of the old feather bed ♪

ALL: ♪ It was nine feet high
And six feet wide ♪

♪ And soft as a downy chick ♪

♪ It was made from the feathers
Of forty-leven geese ♪

♪ Took a whole bolt of cloth
For the tick ♪

♪ It'd hold eight kids
And four hound dogs ♪

♪ And a piggy we stole
From the shed ♪

♪ We didn't get much sleep
But we had a lot of fun ♪

♪ On Grandma's feather bed ♪

JOHN:
Move over!

[ALL CHATTERING]

[DOG HOWLING]

♪ Well, I love my ma and I love my pa
I love Granny and Grandpa too ♪

♪ I've been fishing with my uncle
I wrestled my cousin ♪

-♪ I even kissed Aunt Lou, ew! ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ew! ♪

-♪ But if I ever had to make a choice ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ I guess it ought to be said ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

♪ That I'd trade 'em all
Plus the gal down the road ♪

♪ For Grandma's feather bed ♪

ALL: ♪ It was nine feet high
And six feet wide ♪

♪ And soft as a downy chick ♪

♪ It was made from the feathers
Of forty-leven geese ♪

♪ Took a whole bolt of cloth
For the tick ♪

♪ It'd hold eight kids
And four hound dogs ♪

♪ And a piggy we stole
From the shed ♪

♪ We didn't get much sleep
But we had a lot of fun ♪

♪ On Grandma's feather bed ♪

Hey! Now, you turkeys quiet down in there

so's a body can get some sleep!

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[QUIETLY] ♪ We didn't get much sleep
But we had a lot of fun ♪

[LOUDLY]
♪ On Grandma's feather bed, yeah! ♪

[ALL CHATTERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

It looks like we've come down
to the end of another one,

but before we go,

let us bring back
our wonderful guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Denver! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thanks, Kermit. Thank you.

Kermit, it was an absolute thrill
to work with you.

Thank you for having me on the show.

It was our pleasure, John.

But it looks like it's gonna be
just you and me on that camping trip.

-Everybody else backed out.
-Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Kermit, never mind,
we'll have a great time.

I'll teach you how to catch frogs.

-What?
-Yeah.

What you do is wait until dark,
then you take a flashlight

and shine it in the water--

I know all about those flashlights.
How do you think my eyes got this way?

I'll find somebody else
to go camping with me.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Well, guys, it's just the three of us
for a weekend in the swamp.

[IN UNISON]
Oh, no!