04x05 - Victor Borge

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Kenny Rogers.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Kenny.

Thanks. While you're here,
I wanna ask you something.

I don't wanna seem ungrateful.
What is all this junk in my dressing room?

-You know my uncle who owns this theater?
-Yeah, so?

Well, he sold the mineral rights
to your dressing room.

Before we start drilling,
where should we park the camels?

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Kenny Rogers.

[CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ Why don't they make things funny? ♪

[BOTH LAUGH]

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HONKS]

What were you expecting? Rachmaninoff?

[SIGHS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, all of you.

Kissy-kissy. Kissy-kissy. Ahem.

Bonjour and welcome
to The Muppet Show, everyone.

Our very special guest star tonight
is Mr. Kenny Rogers.

But first let me explain
why I am here to greet you.

Our own dear Kermie has agreed to appear
with petite little moi

in the opening number.

He is all ready,
so let us go to le circus.

[BAND PLAYING LIVELY CIRCUS MUSIC]

♪ He flies through the air
With the greatest of ease ♪

♪ That daring young frog
On the flying trapeze ♪

I don't know
how she gets me into these things.

Are you ready, Kermit?

Yeah. Just don't push me hard.

-What?
-Push me hard.

Okay.

[YELLING]

[GRUNTS THEN GROANS]

PIGGY:
Oh, Kermie! Oh! Oh!

Kermie, are you all right? Are you?

Yeah, I think so.
I'm just a little woozy, that's all.

Oh, Kermie.

-Close the curtains.
-Yes.

Wow, what a terrific act.
You want a partner?

Oh!

Oh, Kermit!

Uh, Gonzo, get him backstage.

Ah!

Don't worry.
It's all part of the act. Um...

Is there a doctor in the house?

MAN:
Yes, I'm a doctor.

-Oh, could you come up here, sir, please?
MAN: I'll be right up.

I told him to use a safety net.

But what do I know? I'm only a bear.

-Can I help you up, sir?
-Thank you.

Gee, are you a real doctor?

Of course I'm a real doctor.

You wanna see my bank balance?

He's backstage. He's just backstage.

Uh, don't worry.
Uh, there'll be a slight delay.

Just talk amongst yourselves.

Uh... Oh...

Aw, poor little guy. Hope he's not hurt.

Well, at least he got the pig
to stop singing.

Oh, Kermie.

Hey, Kermit, are they really drilling
for oil in Kenny's dressing room?

Who cares? My frog is hurt.

Hey, Kermit, anything I can do to help?

Oh, Kenny, uh, listen, it's just a sprain.

But could you send somebody on-stage
to stall until we get the show going?

Sure. Zoot, do us a favor.
Run out and play something for the people.

Oh, yeah.

Kermit, I'll get you an ice pack.
I'll be right back.

SCOOTER:
Come on, Zoot.

-Oh, thanks.
-Oh.

SCOOTER:
Get on-stage.

My poor brave hero.
Is the pain unbearable?

No, I'm just a little shaken up.

Give it to us straight, doc. How is he?

He'll soon be hopping around good as new.

-Oh, that's wonderful, Kermie.
-Ah, terrific.

Oh, Beaker, have you got
that hospital bed over there?

[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

KERMIT:
Yeah, get that on-stage right away.

I've got the perfect musical number
that we can do next.

Why, Kermie? Why must you go on?

Because he's a star.

And a star knows that the show must go on.

I knew that.

I just forgot for a minute there.

[ZOOT PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

Okay, Zoot, that's enough. Good.

[ZOOT HONKS]

Uh, ahem, ladies and gentlemen,

although our beloved Kermit
has been seriously injured--

KERMIT: Wait, wait, wait.
-He--

What? Seriously injured?
I twisted a flipper.

FOZZIE:
Go back, go back, go back. Ahem.

Although he has
a severely twisted flipper,

he is going to go on with the show.

Yes, yes, yes.

Here he is,
our own Kermit the Frog in... In...

KERMIT:
A hospital bed.

A hospital bed?

[BAND PLAYING FOLK MUSIC]

♪ Frog, he bought a coconut
He bought it for a dime ♪

♪ His nephew had another one
He paid it for a lime ♪

Whew.

♪ He put the lime in the coconut
He drank them both up ♪

♪ He put the lime in the coconut
Drank them both up ♪

NURSES: ♪ He put the lime in the coconut
He drank them both up ♪

♪ He put the lime in the coconut ♪

♪ He called the doctor, woke him up
Said ♪

♪ Doctor ♪

♪ Ain't there nothing I can take
I say ♪

NURSE & KERMIT:
♪ Doctor ♪

♪ To relieve this flipper ache?
I said ♪

NURSES & KERMIT:
♪ Doctor ♪

♪ Ain't there nothing I can take
I say ♪

NURSES & KERMIT:
♪ Doctor ♪

♪ To relieve this flipper ache? ♪

♪ Now let me get this straight ♪

♪ You put the lime in the coconut
You drank them both up? ♪

♪ You put the lime in the coconut
You drank them both up? ♪

BOTH: ♪ He put the lime in the coconut
He drank them both up ♪

♪ You put the lime in the coconut ♪

♪ You called your doctor, woke him up
Said ♪

DOCTOR & KERMIT:
♪ Doctor ♪

♪ Ain't there nothing I can take
I said ♪

♪ Doctor ♪

♪ To relieve this flipper ache?
I said ♪

♪ Doctor ♪

♪ Ain't there nothing I can take
I said ♪

♪ Doctor ♪

♪ To relieve this flipper ache? ♪

♪ You put the lime in the coconut
You drank them both together ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut
Then you'll feel better ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut
You drank them both up ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut
And call me in the morning ♪

♪ Frog, he bought a coconut ♪

KERMIT: ♪ Frog, he bought a coconut
He bought it for a dime ♪

♪ His nephew had another one
He paid it for a lime ♪

♪ He put the lime in the coconut
He drank them both up ♪

♪ He put the lime in the coconut ♪

♪ He called the doctor, woke him up
Said ♪

♪ Doctor ♪

♪ Ain't there nothing I can take
I said ♪

♪ Doctor ♪

♪ To relieve this flipper ache?
I said ♪

♪ Doctor ♪

♪ Ain't there nothing I can take?
I said ♪

♪ Doctor ♪

ALL: ♪ You put the lime in the coconut
You drink them both up ♪

♪ You put the lime in the coconut
You drink them both up ♪

♪ You put the lime in the coconut
You drink them both together ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut
Then you'll feel better ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut
Drink them both down ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut
And call me in the morning ♪

♪ If you call me in the morning
I'll tell you what to do ♪

♪ If you call me in the morning
I'll tell you what to do ♪

♪ If you call me in the morning ♪

If you call me in the morning,
I'll tell you what to do.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[ANIMALS CALLING]

Ever gone to a witch doctor?

They're all witch.

Ever heard of a poor doctor?

Fellas, I really don't mind your drilling
for oil in my dressing room,

but your camel just stepped on my guitar
and broke it.

Do not worry about the guitar.
We will buy you a new one.

I should hope so.

Excuse me. Oops.

-Oh, hi, Scooter.
-Hi, Kenny.

-Oh, Kermit's still not feeling well.
-Oh, that's too bad.

Do not worry about the frog.
We will buy you a new one.

Will you stop that?

Oh, it's all right, Kenny.
We got him resting in a hospital bed.

Great. You're not gonna
have to cancel the show, are you?

[MACHINE POWERING UP]

No, but we have to delay
your opening number.

-That's fine.
-So just stay here and relax.

[MACHINE GRINDING]

-What?
-I said, just stay here and relax.

-What?!
-I said, stay here and relax!

I'll try.

What?

I said, I'll try!

What?!

-I will try!
-Oh!

NEWSMAN:
Now for a Muppet News Flash.

Muppet Labs has announced that they are
recalling their latest-model hospital bed

used in the "Lime and Coconut"
production number.

The beds were built on an assembly line
formerly used for pop-up toasters.

[SPRING BOINGS THEN KERMIT YELLS]

Foo-Foo, do you promise to be nice
to Dada Froggy?

Oh!

Kermie!

It's lucky I broke his fall with my desk.

Oh. Oh, Kermie,
I am ready to nurse you back to health.

[YELPS]

Oh.

Piggy, I'm only just black and blue
and green.

[BARKING]

And call off this dog of yours, would you?

Aw. Foo-Foo loves Dada.

Yeah, heh, heh.

Will you stop that?
Now, listen, dog, I'm ticklish!

Foo-Foo, Foo-Foo.

And I'm not that dog's dada!

PIGGY:
Look out for the stairs!

[KERMIT & PIGGY SCREAM]

[THUDDING]

My uncle Kermit isn't quite himself today.

He sort of keeps falling down on the job.

So I thought I'd come out here
as heir apparent--

KERMIT:
Robin!

Just kidding, Uncle Kermit.

Anyway, I'm here
to introduce tonight's guest star.

I really love his singing,
and this is a really great song.

At least, I think it is.
I'm not old enough to understand it.

But here he is, Mr. Kenny Rogers!

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING "THE GAMBLER"]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

♪ On a warm summer's evenin' ♪

♪ On a train bound for nowhere ♪

♪ I met up with a gambler ♪

♪ We were both too tired to sleep ♪

♪ So we took turns a-starin' ♪

♪ Out the window at the darkness ♪

♪ 'Til boredom overtook us ♪

♪ And he began to speak
He said ♪

♪ Son, I've made my life
Out of readin' people's faces ♪

♪ Knowin' what their cards were
By the way they held their eyes ♪

♪ So if you don't mind my sayin'
I can see you're out of aces ♪

♪ For a taste of your whiskey
I'll give you some advice ♪

♪ So I handed him my bottle ♪

♪ And he drank down my last swallow ♪

♪ Then he bummed a cigarette ♪

♪ Asked me for light ♪

♪ And the night got deathly quiet ♪

♪ His face lost all expression ♪

♪ If you're gonna play the game, boy
You gotta learn to play it right ♪

♪ You gotta know when to hold them ♪

♪ Know when to fold them ♪

♪ Know when to walk away ♪

♪ And know when to run ♪

♪ You never count your money ♪

♪ When you're sittin' at the table ♪

♪ There'll be time enough for countin' ♪

♪ When the dealin's done ♪

♪ Now, every gambler knows ♪

♪ The secret to survivin' ♪

♪ Is knowin' what to throw away ♪

♪ And knowin' what to keep ♪

♪ 'Cause every hand's a winner ♪

♪ And every hand's a loser ♪

♪ Best that you can hope for ♪

♪ Is to die in your sleep ♪

♪ When he'd finished speakin' ♪

♪ He turned back toward the window ♪

♪ Crushed out his cigarette ♪

♪ Faded off to sleep ♪

♪ And somewhere in the darkness ♪

♪ The gambler, he broke even ♪

♪ But in his final words ♪

♪ I found an ace that I could keep ♪

♪ You got to know when to hold them ♪

♪ Know when to fold them ♪

♪ Know when to walk away ♪

♪ And know when to run ♪

♪ You never count your money ♪

♪ When you're sittin' at the table ♪

♪ There'll be time enough for countin' ♪

♪ When the dealin's done ♪

♪ You got to know when to hold them ♪

♪ When to hold them ♪

♪ Know when to fold them ♪

♪ When to fold them ♪

♪ Know when to walk away ♪

-♪ And know when to run ♪
-♪ That's right ♪

-♪ You never count your money ♪
-♪ No, sir ♪

♪ When you're sittin' at the table ♪

♪ There'll be time enough for countin' ♪

-♪ When the dealin's done ♪
-♪ You got it! ♪

-♪ You got to know when to hold them ♪
-♪ When to hold them ♪

KENNY & CHORUS: ♪ Know when to fold them ♪
-♪ When to fold them ♪

KENNY & CHORUS:
♪ Know when to walk away ♪

-♪ And know when to run ♪
-♪ That's right ♪

♪ You never count your money ♪

♪ When you're sittin' at the table ♪

♪ There'll be time enough for countin' ♪

♪ When the dealin's done ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ I've just been to a "ding-dong"
Down dear old Brixton way ♪

♪ Old Mother Brown the Pearly Queen's
A hundred years today! ♪

♪ Oh, what a celebration!
Was proper lah-di-dah ♪

♪ Until they rolled the carpet up,
And shouted: "Nah then, Ma!" ♪

[ALL] Oh!

♪ Knees up Mother Brown
Knees up Mother Brown ♪

♪ Under the table you must go
Ee-i-ee-i-ee-i-oh ♪

♪ If I catch you bending
I'll saw your legs right off ♪

♪ So knees up, knees up
Don't get the breeze up ♪

♪ Knees up Mother Brown ♪

[PUB GUEST] That's right! Yeah! Oi-oi!

♪ Bill drove up on his burro
Just like a proper swell ♪

♪ And Mother Brown said: "Come inside
And bring your moke as well!" ♪

♪ It nibbled grandad's whiskers
Then started kicking out ♪

♪ And as Ma Brown went through the window
We began to shout ♪

[ALL] Ooh!

♪ Knees up Mother Brown
Knees up Mother Brown ♪

♪ Under the table you must go
Ee-i-ee-i-ee-i-oh♪

♪ If I catch you bending
I'll saw your legs right off ♪

♪ So knees up, knees up
don't get the breeze up ♪

♪ Knees up Mother Brown ♪

[FOZZIE] Last verse.

♪ A crowd stood round the window
They'd had a lovely time ♪

♪ The kids sat on the railings
thought it was a pantomime♪

♪ Pa went round with his titfer
collected one and three♪

♪ We shouted: "Come on Mother,
Show 'em your agility!" ♪

[ALL] Ooh!

♪ Knees up Mother Brown
Knees up Mother Brown ♪

♪ Under the table you must go
Ee-i-ee-i-ee-i-oh ♪

♪ If I catch you bending
I'll saw your legs right off ♪

♪ So knees up, knees up
don't get the breeze up ♪

♪ Knees up Mother Brown ♪

♪ Oh my, what a rotten song ♪

♪ What a rotten song
What a rotten song ♪

♪ Oh my, what a rotten song ♪

♪ And what a rotten singer too-oo-ooh ♪

[GRUNTING]

NARRATOR: Time once again
for Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

Well, Nurse Janice,
who's the next patient?

Well, see for yourself, Dr. Bob.

[NURSES & BOB GASP]

Oh, it's Kermit! My Kermie!

-Oh! Oh! Oh!
-All right, take it easy. I'm okay.

Quiet. This is a very dramatic moment.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Kermie, I shall nurse you back to health
if it takes a lifetime. Oh!

What do you think's wrong with him,
Dr. Bob?

Well, for one thing,
he's been badly exposed to overacting.

[BOB & JANICE LAUGH]

Either that or overexposed to bad acting.

I am not acting. I love him.

Uh, Nurse Piggy, you cannot let
your personal feelings affect your duty.

You are a nurse.

I may be a nurse, but I'm a woman first.

Wrong. You're a pig first. Nurse second.

I don't think "woman" made the top ten.

-Dr. Bob.
-He's all right. He's all right.

It just looks like
he was under heavy sedation.

Well, he was under heavy sedation.

A 50-pound box of sleeping pills
fell on his head.

It did not.

Well, I know, but it's my only joke.

Oh, my poor, poor Kermie. Oh.

Well, he's still breathing,
but I think his pulse is weak.

Oh, Kermie.

Kermie, can you hear me?
This is Nurse Piggy.

I will never leave your side
till you have taken your last breath.

Do you think he heard me?

He must have. His pulse has stopped.

If anything happens to him,
you will have me to account to.

Good. I was wondering
who was gonna pay his bill.

NARRATOR: And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Kermit say:

Let me out of here.
I wanna get out of here.

No, no, Kermie! No, no, don't, no.

Stay here, where it's safe.

[PIGGY SCREAMS]

Oh, really? Really?

[BOB LAUGHING]

Did you see that?

Yes, the frog is certainly
taking a b*ating on this show.

It's hard to feel sorry for him.

We take a b*ating every show.

[GROANING]

Hey, Kermit, are you okay?

Oh, I'm okay, Kenny.

If I can survive that bit,
I can survive anything.

Very durable frog.

NEWSMAN:
Here's a Muppet News Flash.

The makers of the light fixture used
in that last Veterinarian's Hospital

have announced that they are recalling
all of their hospital lights.

A spokesman for the company said

that all manufacturing of that particular
light fixture has been dropped.

[GROANS]

Do they sell insurance for this show?

Oh, oh. Lean on me, dearest.

Uh, Piggy,
I don't have to lean on anybody.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

The Great Gonzo will now sh**t himself
heavenward in a catapult

and skywrite the "Hallelujah Chorus."

Good grief.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Great Gonzo!

[SPARSE APPLAUSE]

Um... Yay!

[EXHALES]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I will once again defy death
and good taste.

May I have a drumroll
for my catapult, please?

[DRUMROLL]

[GRUNTING]

Uh-oh.

Kermit, I'm in trouble. Help!

[GRUNTING]

-Hurry!
-Okay.

-Piggy, I don't need help.
-Yes, dear.

This is humiliating. Just help me.

-What's the matter?
-Look, help me pull the lever.

-What, this lever over here?
-No, this lever.

[BOTH SCREAM]

[GASPS]

What happened?

Those two stole my act!

Curtain, Scooter. Get the curtain down.
Move this. Curtain!

-What?
-Curtain!

-I worked all week!
-Who cares?

GONZO:
Ouch! You stepped on my foot! Ow!

Um... Uh, you okay, Piggy?

FOZZIE: Don't yell at me!
GONZO: I'm sorry, but I'm upset!

Quiet down out there.

Uh, we gotta restore order around here.

Is Kenny Rogers back there?

Oh, Kenny!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Kermit, I honestly don't believe
what's going on around here.

-Are you okay? Are you hurt?
-Oh, no, I'm fine, Kenny.

I wonder if you could you sing a song
or something not crazy.

-Yes, please.
-Yeah, let me get my guitar.

Can we get the curtains open?
I'll get my guitar and stuff.

I can see where this place
would need some calming down after that.

This is a sing-along, and I want everybody
to help us out with this.

This is really simple.

You help me out.
Now, I'll show you how it goes.

♪ Love lifted me ♪

Now, they just don't come any simpler
than that.

♪ Love lifted me ♪

Sounds a lot like the first part.

♪ When nothing else would do ♪

♪ You know love lifted me ♪

This is one of the more simple songs
you'll ever hear.

There's no excuse
for you not to help us out and sing it.

So if everybody's ready now,
we'll take it and here we go.

[PLAYING "LOVE LIFTED ME"]

♪ I'll write myself a simple song ♪

♪ And get the whole world to sing along ♪

♪ I'll call it a love song for you ♪

♪ And who knows, I'm liable
To take a song from the Bible ♪

♪ And then when I'm through ♪

♪ I'll just sing ♪

ALL:
♪ Love lifted me ♪

♪ Love lifted me ♪

♪ When nothing else would do ♪

♪ Love lifted me ♪

♪ Love lifted me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Love lifted me ♪

♪ When nothing else would do ♪

♪ Love lifted me ♪

[MACHINE RUMBLING]

We are deep.

It's a gusher!

ALL:
It's a gusher!

[ALL CHEERING]

ALL:
♪ Love lifted me ♪

♪ Oh, whoa ♪

ALL:
♪ Love lifted me ♪

♪ When nothing else would do ♪

♪ Love lifted me ♪

♪ Love lifted me ♪

KENNY:
♪ Oh, whoa ♪

♪ Love lifted me ♪

♪ When nothing else would do ♪

♪ Love lifted ♪

♪ Me ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Uh, well, it's been one of those shows.

I'd like to thank our very special
guest star for holding it all together.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Kenny Rogers. Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you.

I wanna also say to you
this has not been all work for me.

I have thoroughly enjoyed it,
for one thing.

Secondly, I also made an interesting trade
for some gasoline.

Yeah? Well, what did you offer in return?

I offered singing lessons.

[SINGING COUNTRY MUSIC IN MOCK ARABIC]

Oh, boy. We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

Guys, you don't need to sing.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

What's the hard hat for?

I wanna be ready in case
they start throwing pigs at us again.