04x10 - Kenny Rogers

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Liza Minnelli.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Liza.

Wha...? Oh, thank you, Scooter.

[YELPING]

[GRUNTING]

Scooter!

-That was a great rehearsal.
-You think so?

-Yeah. let's do the show.
-Okay.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Liza Minelli.

[CHEERS]





[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Run for your lives!

This show is m*rder!

[LAUGHS]

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[PLAYING JAUNTY RAGTIME FINISH]

That's my new hit single.





[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome to The Muppet Show.

Our guest star tonight
is one of the few ladies on earth

who deserve the title "superstar,"
Miss Liza Minnelli.

On top of that, we're going to do
a very different show tonight.

It's so different, I have to go backstage
and get ready for it.

Uh, Scooter? Would you come in
and take over for me?

[GRUNTING]

Uh, Scooter?

Would you stop rehearsing?
It's time to start the play.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, chief. Ahem.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Muppet Players hereby present
an evening of intrigue and mystery.

Let the murders begin.

[BAND PLAYING SUSPENSEFUL JAZZ MUSIC]

KERMIT:
It was a Wednesday evening in July.

[TRUMPETER PLAYING
SUSPENSEFUL JAZZ MUSIC]

Somewhere in the city,
a lonely trumpet was playing.

It was the kind of a New York summer night

when you expect to see lily pads
growing on Broadway.

I was stopping by the office

for a quick root beer
and browse through the paperwork

because I had just finished
a missing-pollywog case.

Being a private eye isn't much of a job
if you like class,

which is why my visitor surprised me.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Excuse me,
but are you Kermit the Private Eye?

Just like it says on the door, sweetheart.

Oh, good.

Oh, I'm Liza O'Shaunessy, the actress.

Perhaps you've heard of me.

I know the face from the papers
and the name from the marquee, toots.

Opening a show
at the Roxy tomorrow, right?

Yes, heh. No, I--
Oh, that's just it. I don't know.

Oh, you have no idea, you have no idea
what a living nightmare I've been through.

The dread, the terror!

Uh, try to relax, cute stuff.
Sit down and tell me about it.

Okay.

Well, I got to my dressing room
this morning, and I found this note.

Uh, "Close down the show.
If you try to open, you will all die."

Where'd you find it?

Oh, it was ghastly.
It was pinned to my dresser.

So, what's so ghastly?

Well, it was pinned with this,
and my dresser's name was Gladys!

Uh, ah, it is all starting to get ghastly.

[WHIMPERS]

But don't worry, sweet lips.
I can handle it.

Oh, I'm sure you can, Mr. Frog.

I place myself entirely in your...

In your flippers.

[PIGGY SINGING VOCAL WARM-UPS]

STAGEHAND:
Listen. Who put the lights over here?

Where do you want the scenery?

[CREW CHATTERING]

KERMIT: The Majestic Theatre looked
like any theater the day before opening.

While Liza went to change for rehearsal,
I just hung around backstage,

trying not to be conspicuous.

[PIGGY SCREAMS]

Quiet! Quiet!

Who let that frog in here?!

Okay. Let down the white drapes!

We're gonna rehearse the first-act finale,
Liza's number.

Miss O'Shaunessy's
not quite ready yet, Fritz.

Okay. We'll do it
with her understudy, then.

PIGGY:
Fritz!

I will not walk through
some dumb rehearsal.

You promised me I would star
in this turkey.

Uh, let me get this straight.
She is Liza O'Shaunessy's understudy?

Oh, they're not exactly the same type.

They're not exactly the same species.

Fri-- Oh, excuse me, Miss, uh, uh...

Dear.

[PIGGY & LIZA CHUCKLE]

Fritz, I'm ready for rehearsal.

Oh, good.
Now, remember, this is your big moment.

-Here, I want the spark.
-Mm.

The moment of magic,
the raw, unbridled passion!

You know what I want?

Yeah. Smile and show my legs.

There goes a pro.

Okay, everybody ready.

It's all yours, Liza. Curtain!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING MYSTERIOUS JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ Her name was Lola
She was a showgirl ♪

♪ With yellow feathers in her hair
And a dress cut down to there ♪

♪ She would merengue
And do the cha-cha ♪

♪ And while she tried to be a star
Tony always tended bar ♪

♪ Across the crowded floor
They worked from 8 to 4 ♪

♪ They were young
And they had each other ♪

♪ Who could ask for more? ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

LIZA: ♪ Her name was Lola
She was a showgirl ♪

♪ With yellow feathers in her hair
And a dress cut down to there ♪

♪ She would merengue
And do the cha-cha ♪

♪ And while she tried to be a star
Tony always tended bar ♪

♪ Across the crowded floor
They worked from 8 to 4 ♪

♪ They were young
And they had each other ♪

♪ Who could ask for more? ♪

ALL: ♪ At the Copa ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Copa ♪

ALL:
♪ Copacabana ♪

♪ The hottest spot
North of Havana here ♪

-♪ At the Copa ♪
-♪ Copa ♪

♪ Copacabana ♪

♪ Music and passion
Were always the fashion ♪

♪ At the Copa ♪

♪ They fell in love ♪

♪ His name was Rico
He wore a diamond ♪

♪ He was escorted to his chair
He saw Lola dancing there ♪

♪ And when she finished
He called her over ♪

[WHISTLES]

♪ But Rico went a bit too far
Tony sailed across the bar ♪

♪ And then the punches flew
And chairs were smashed in two ♪

♪ There was a blood
And a single g*nsh*t ♪

[g*nsh*t]

♪ But just who sh*t who? ♪

ALL: ♪ At the Copa ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Copa ♪

ALL:
♪ Copacabana ♪

[g*nf*re]

♪ Music and passion
Were always the fashion ♪

♪ At the Copa ♪

-♪ She lost her love ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Copa ♪

♪ Copacabana ♪

LIZA: ♪ Her name is Lola
She was a showgirl ♪

♪ But that was 30 years ago
When they used to have a show ♪

♪ Now it's a disco
But not for Lola ♪

♪ Still in the dress she used to wear
Faded feathers in her hair ♪

♪ She sits there so refined
And drinks herself half blind ♪

♪ She lost her youth
And she lost her Tony ♪

♪ Now she's lost her mind ♪

ALL: ♪ At the Copa ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Copa ♪

ALL:
♪ Copacabana ♪

♪ Music and passion
Were always the fashion ♪

♪ At the Copa ♪

♪ Don't fall in love ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Yeah?

-Zoot?
-Yeah.

-What'd you think?
-Oh, you were fan-sca-diddly-bop-tastic.

Oh, I'm so glad you liked it.

Oh, you're too good to be a person.
You should've been a saxophone.

Does that mean that I'm your...

sax symbol?

Whatever.

Oh.

A wonderful rehearsal.
Oh, wonderful, Miss O'Shaunessy.

Okay, everybody, take three!

Uh, take three?
Fritz, you run a tight ship.

I repeat, who let this frog in here?!

[GROANING]

Oh! Fritz!

[CONTINUES GROANING]

Oink!

I'm afraid he's...

[GROANING]

[THUDDING]

He's dead.

[ALL GASP]

No! Like, now the show will never go on!

What are you people saying?!

Fritz was a man of the theater.

He d*ed trying to turn the greasepaint
and tinsel into magic.

Why, this show could be his final tribute.
Fritz would've wanted it this way.

♪ When you're down and out
Lift up your head and shout ♪

♪ There's gonna be a great day ♪

Come on, on-stage, everybody.

Whoops, don't step on Fritz.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

ALL: ♪ Angels in the sky
Promise that by and by ♪

♪ There's gonna be a great day ♪

♪ Gabriel will warn you ♪

♪ Some early morn you
Will hear his horn rooty-tootin' ♪

[PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ SOLO]

♪ It's not far away
Hold up your hands and say ♪

♪ There's gonna be a great day ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

KERMIT:
I'll never understand show people.

A m*rder is committed,
and they go out and sing.

And to make things worse,

the police assigned Patrolman Bear
to the case.

Patrolman Bear reporting for duty, sir.

I thought you were on slug detail
at the laundromat.

Ha-ha-ha, really.

Sir, I am going to ask these people
some questions.

Okay, just be subtle.

Gotcha.

All right.

Which one of you k*lled the director?

ALL:
Not me!

Well, they're all in the clear, sir.

-They're lying.
-Wha...?

They all hated him.

-Huh?
-What do you mean?

Miss Piggy hated him
because he made her the understudy.

She thought she should've been the star.

The band hated him because
they hadn't been paid for three weeks.

You know a lot about these people.
Do you know which is the k*ller?

I sure do.

You do? Wha...? Who?

The m*rder*r is--

[YELPS]

[GRUNTING]

Oh! He's dead!

♪ When you're down and out-- ♪

ALL:
Oh, shut up!

LIZA:
Kermit!

Kermit, come here.

Kermit, the m*rder*r
is in that dressing room.

All I saw was a hand throw a Kn*fe.
Oh, it was awful.

Well, that may be just the clue
we need, sweetheart.

I'm gonna go in there
and catch us a m*rder*r.

-Oh, Kermit.
-Hmm?

Be careful.

Uh-huh.

KERMIT: While I've done it
many times before in my line of work,

whenever I enter a darkened room,
I still get chills...

[OBJECT CLANKS]

...and a few contusions.

And it's not only the darkness
that's scary.

There's that weird music they always play.

[BAND PLAYING SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

But there's one thing about darkness:

Although I can't see my enemy,
my enemy can't see me.

[GASPS]

Unless he's got a flashlight.

[GRUNTS]

Like, wow. Is there really any point
in rehearsing this?

Aw, c'mon, mama. You know what they say -
the show must go on!

Go on! Go on!

Yeah, but it's real hard to go on
if we're all dead.

Dead! Dead!

Oooo, please. I'd rather rehearse
than listen to that.

Good. Here's the singing
group. Let's run this little beauty.

-Hmm.
-Okay. Hit it, Animal!

♪ If your temper's getting a top hand,
All you gotta do is just stop and ♪

ALL: ♪ Pass that peace pipe
And bury that hatchet ♪

♪ Like the Choctaws, Chickasaws,
Chattahoochee's, Chippewas ♪

ALL:
♪ Dooo♪

♪ If you're feeling mad as a wet hen,
Mad as you can possibly get, then ♪

ALL: ♪ Pass that peace pipe,
Bury that tomahawk ♪

♪ Like those Chichamecks,
Cherokees, Chapultepecs ♪

ALL:
♪ Too♪

ALL: ♪ Don't be cranky,
Try to use a little restraint! ♪

♪ Hold that hanky ♪

♪ And wipe off all that warpaint! ♪

♪ If you find yourself in a fury,
Be your own judge and your own jury! ♪

ALL: ♪ Pass that peace pipe
And bury the hatchet, ♪

♪ Like the Choctaws, Chickasaws,
Chattahoochees, Chickawas ♪

ALL: ♪ Doo! ♪

♪ Even in colonial days, you
Knew the ceremonial ways to ♪

ALL: ♪ Pass that peace pipe
And bury that tomahawk ♪

♪ Like those Chakootamees,
Chepacheps 'N' Chicopees, ♪

ALL:
♪ Too! ♪

♪ Pull your ears in,
Try to use a little control ♪

♪ When "all clear's" in, ♪

♪ You'll be top man
On the totem pole ♪

♪ So, if you wanna be an all-right guy
Not a long face, blues-in-the-night guy ♪

♪ Write that apology and dispatch it! ♪

♪ When you quarrel,
It's grand to patch it! ♪

ALL: ♪ Pass that peace pipe
And bury that hatchet ♪

♪ Like those Choctaws, Chickasaws,
Chattahoochee's, Chippewas ♪

♪ And those Chickadees,
Cherokees, Chapultepecs ♪

♪ And those Chakootamees,
Chepacheps 'N' Chicopees, ♪

♪ Choktohs, Changos,
Chattanoogas, Cheekarohs do! ♪

[LAUGHS]

Ha! Me alive! Fine!
[LAUGHS]

Kermit. Kermit!

Oh, Kermit, my poor fallen frog.
Speak to me. Say something.

Uh, is that you, Miss O'Shaunessy?

Oh, Kermit.
Thank goodness you're all right.

Oh, you scared me to death.
Come over here.

For a minute, I thought you'd croaked.

Well, I tried to, but I was too weak.

Oh.

No, somebody slugged me.

-They did?
-Mm-hm.

They did indeed. My goodness.
You've got a nasty bump back here.

-Let me rub it.
-Oh. Ah.

Does it hurt?

Just when you rub it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm not getting anywhere with your case.
Maybe you should get somebody else.

Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

I don't want anybody else.
I want you. You're my main frog.

Yeah, but I thought
I'd have it solved by now.

I thought I'd be a big hero

and there'd be triumphant celebration
and all.

-Hold it. Wait a minute.
-Hmm?

Listen to me. I wanna tell you something.

-When you solve this case...
-Mm-hm.

-And you're going to solve it.
-Yeah?

...you'll be so happy, you won't--
Well, you won't need any celebration.

You won't need anything.

-No?
-No, no, no.

Come here and listen.

What?

[PIANO PLAYING GENTLE MELODY]

♪ When it all comes true ♪

♪ Just the way you've planned ♪

♪ It's funny, but the bells don't ring ♪

♪ It's a quiet thing ♪

Uh-huh?

♪ When you hold the world ♪

♪ In your trembling hand ♪

♪ You'd think you'd hear a choir sing ♪

♪ It's a quiet thing ♪

Mm.

♪ There are no exploding fireworks ♪

♪ Where's the roaring of the crowd? ♪

♪ Maybe it's the strange new atmosphere ♪

♪ Way up here among the clouds ♪

♪ But I don't hear the drums ♪

♪ And I don't hear the band ♪

I know.

♪ The sounds you're told
Such moments bring ♪

Mm-hm?

Oh, Kermit.

♪ Happiness comes in on tiptoe ♪

♪ Well, what do you know? ♪

♪ Well, what do you know? ♪

♪ It's a... It's a quiet thing ♪

♪ It's a quiet thing ♪

BOTH:
♪ A very quiet ♪

♪ Thing ♪

[GRUNTS]

Nobody listens to lyrics anymore.

KERMIT:
Meanwhile, down in the canteen...

All right, do you have an alibi?

I have a halibut.

No, no, an alibi. You know,
somebody who can say where you were.

Yeah, a halibut. He was with me all day.

Aah! Poison!

This man was m*rder*d to shut him up.

No, he wasn't. He choked on a fish bone.

But he yelled, "Poison!"

Which, I believe,
is the French word for "fish."

[HONEYDEW GRUNTING]

[PENGUINS WAILING]

Wait! It must be the food!

No, no, no. Is a good soup.

[GROANS]

Kermit!

♪ When you're down and out
Pick up... ♪

I know, "shut up."

-Okay.
-What?

-Now, you got the plan?
-Yes, I've got the plan.

But how can you be certain
this is gonna work?

-You gotta trust me, kid.
-Yeah.

-You know what to do?
-Of course. Smile and show my legs.

-No, no, no, that was the other guy.
-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Right, right.

Yes, trust me. I know what to do.

Okay. Here we go. Ahem.
You just take a seat over there.

Uh, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen.

Kermit!

Fozzie, Fozzie, don't worry.
Just sit down. All will be revealed.

Yes, sir.

Now, you may be wondering
why I've called you all together.

Well, the fact is Miss O'Shaunessy has
discovered the identity of the m*rder*r!

[CROWD GASPS]

Yes, it's true.

It's a secret, though.
I haven't even told Kermit.

I know who committed these dastardly,
cold-blooded, heinous crimes,

these murders.

I hereby accuse--

PIGGY: Aah! Aah!
KERMIT: What happened? Hey!

[g*nshots]

Hey, somebody turn on the lights!

Oh, no, it's Liza!

Oh, my nerves!

[GROANING AND SOBBING]

Help me! Help me!

Help me!

[CONTINUES GROANING AND SOBBING]

-Kermit.
KERMIT: What?

Kermit, the final curtain has fallen.

-I've played my last role.
KERMIT: Mm-hm.

Good night, sweet prince.

Hello, death.

Uh, somebody call a doctor!

-Too late, green buddy.
KERMIT: Hmm?

Give my regards to Broadway.
Remember me to...

To...

Herald Square?

No, forget him. Herald's really square.

Mm, buh-bye.

-Oh, no, not Liza!
-We love Liza!

-Yeah, we didn't mean to bump her off.
-No, just the rest of you guys.

CROWD: Ahh!
-A-ha!

I knew it.
Scratch a critic, and you get an assassin.

Then your death scene was a trick?

Well, after all, darling,
I mean, I am an actress.

STATLER: Bravo!
WALDORF: Bravo!

Yeah, best performance we've seen
on this show in years!

Yeah!

Okay, Fozzie, take them away.

Yes, sir. All right, here we go.

KERMIT: And throw the book at them.
-Okay, sir.

[THUDS]

Oh, Kermit, congratulations. You did it.

Well, we did it.

Yeah.

And I guess... I guess that's the end.

Oh, no, Kermit. That's not the end.

This is the end.

Hit it.

[BAND PLAYING
"EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES"]

♪ Things look swell
Things look great ♪

♪ Gonna have the whole world on a plate ♪

♪ Starting here
Starting now ♪

♪ Honey, everything's coming up roses ♪

♪ Clear the decks
Clear the tracks ♪

♪ We got nothing to do but relax ♪

♪ Blow a kiss
Take a bow ♪

♪ Honey, everything's coming up roses ♪

♪ Now's your inning ♪

♪ Stand the world on its ear ♪

BOTH:
♪ Set it spinning ♪

♪ That'll be just the beginning ♪

ALL: ♪ Curtain up
Light the lights ♪

♪ We got nothing to hit but the heights ♪

ALL: ♪ We'll be swell
We'll be great ♪

♪ I can tell ♪

ALL:
♪ Just you wait ♪

♪ That lucky star I talk about is due ♪

♪ Honey, everything's coming up roses
And daffodils ♪

♪ Everything's coming up bright lights
And lollipops ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be sunshine
And Santa Claus ♪

ALL: ♪ Everything's coming up roses
For me and ♪

-♪ For you ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ah ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, well, it's been a great show for us,
but before we go,

I'd like to say what an honor it's been

for this little green frog
to work with Miss Liza Minnelli! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Kermit, thank you so much.

I can't tell you what a thrill it's been
being on your show.

Oh, that's nice.

You know something else?

I've always wanted to do a m*rder mystery
like we did.

Oh, by the way,
can I keep this trick Kn*fe as a souvenir?

A trick Kn*fe?

Yeah, it's only a prop. See?

[YELLS]

-Kermit!
-What'd you do?

-I was only kidding. Ha-ha-ha.
ALL: Oh!

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

-s*ab me! s*ab me!
-I didn't mean to worry you.

How could you do that to me?

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

How long are we here for?

Twenty years.

If I'd known
that judge was giving us the box,

I'd have asked for the chair.