04x12 - Phyllis George

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Phyllis George. Phyllis George.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Phyllis.

Thank you, Scooter.

We've got a special show planned
for you tonight.

-You're gonna love it.
-Are you sure about that?

Oh, I guarantee it's exciting,
suspenseful...

Is it funny?

The guarantee just ran out.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Phyllis George.

[CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Why don't we all go home and read a book?

[BOTH LAUGH]

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HONKS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome to The Muppet Show.

And as a very special treat,

we have as our guest star the beautiful
and talented Miss Phyllis George.

That is the good news.
Now for the bad news.

We have a really dumb show planned
for you tonight.

-Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.
-What?

You can't tell the audience
that tonight's show is dumb.

Don't worry about it, bear.

Yeah, we noticed years ago.

[STATLER & WALDORF LAUGH]

Uh, well, I'm not gonna stick around,

because I am going to turn the show over
to our guest host,

the wonderful Miss Phyllis George!

[CHEERS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Kermit, are you sure
you want me to do this?

Phyllis, the stage is all yours.
I'm taking the night off.

-But, Fozz...
-Come on, Fozzie.

It's okay, Phyllis. I'll help you later.

Okay. Well, ladies and gentlemen,

on behalf of the Muppet Academy
of Arts and Sciences,

welcome to the first annual Muppet Awards.

[BAND PLAYING FANFARE]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

What an exciting evening.

The tension and excitement
is unbelievable.

And backstage,
the Muppets are standing by,

anxiously waiting to see
who the winners will be.

You're losers. All losers.

So now, to get things started,

let's listen to the first of the numbers
nominated for Best Song of the Year.

How do you pronounce this?

"Svreb, de Plebat Banana."

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

♪ ...banana... banana... ♪

[CONTINUES SINGING GIBBERISH]

♪ ...banana... banana... ♪

[CONTINUES SINGING GIBBERISH]

[ALL SINGING GIBBERISH]

♪ ...banana... banana... ♪

[ALL CONTINUE SINGING GIBBERISH]

♪ ...banana... banana... ♪

♪ ...banana... banana... ♪

[ALL CONTINUE SINGING GIBBERISH]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I didn't understand a word of that.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Huh. Well, why didn't they say that
in the first place?

Hey, who taught all the food
to sing in Swedish?

Oh, some meatball.

[CHEF & SCOOTER LAUGH]

I've been nominated
the Best Unexplainable Creature category.

[SQUAWKS]

You don't suppose
they give a Humanitarian award, do you?

Will you get out of here?

-Oh, Kermie!
-Unh!

Oh! Oh, isn't this exciting?

-I hate award shows.
-Oh.

SCOOTER:
They're announcing the first award.

-Ooh!
-Waah!

I really hate award shows.

Oh. Uh, once again,

your host for tonight's award show,
Miss Phyllis George.

[BAND PLAYING FANFARE]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Hello, Phyllis.
-Hi, Fozzie.

Ahem. The first Fred Award
is for Best Foreign Act.

Here are the nominations.

A Fred? You call the award a Fred?

Yeah. We had to call it something,
and nobody was using Fred, so...

Excuse me, may I see a Fred, please?

Uh, ha-ha-ha.

[LAUGHS]

PHYLLIS:
It's a bowling trophy. Ha, ha.

Well...

"Poughkeepsie Barons
1977 League Champions."

-This is what you're...?
-There's the nominations.

-You can read them.
-Oh, all right.

Ah-ha-ha-ha.

The first category
is for the Best Foreign Act.

There are six nominations, and they are...

the Zucchini Brothers...

[ZUCCHINIS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

FOZZIE:
No, no, no!

You were just nominated, guys.

[ZUCCHINIS CONTINUE SHOUTING]

You were just nominated, that's all!

I guess they won.

Ahh. Uh, okay, moving right along.
Now, the next category, Best Sketch award.

Where? Oh.

NARRATOR:
And now

[IN ECHOING VOICE]
Pigs in Space,

the first nomination for Best Sketch,
for the episode entitled "Pig Alien."

"Pig Alien"?

Oh, why did they pick that one?

I thought I was kind of cute in that one.

-You were the pits.
-Hmm.

If we are going to win a Fred,

we should do
"First Mate Piggy Saves the Day."

I don't remember that one.

Well, of course you do.
It's where you become hysterical

and I have to knock you out, like this.

-Huh?
-Take that!

And then I take over the controls.

Argh! I be Captain Blueboar!

Wait, you're not in this sketch.

Aren't we be doing "Pig Alien"?

No, no, no, we are doing
"First Mate Piggy Saves the Day."

-I don't remember that one.
-Of course you do.

Link becomes hysterical,
and I knock him out.

-No, wait!
-Like that.

-Oof!
-And then take over the controls.

Argh, I remember. Har-har-har.

Well, my favorite is
"Strangepork Takes Up Disco."

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT DISCO MUSIC]

-Uh, does anybody hit me in that one?
-No, Linky.

Oh, good. Then that's the one we'll do.

Oh, brother. I don't believe this.

Come on, Piggy.

Oh, boogie down!

Get on with the show! I'm getting out.

[SIGHS]

Uh, moving right along with our exciting
and entertaining award show,

the show a certain frog said
couldn't be done.

"Shouldn't." I said, it shouldn't be done.

Uh, here is the second nomination
for Best Song,

sung by Miss Phyllis George.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[PLAYING MELANCHOLY JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ You put a piece of carbon paper
Under your heart ♪

♪ And gave me just a copy of your love ♪

♪ Each dove and pigeon'll
Know who got the original ♪

♪ Darling, can't you see
What you mean to me? ♪

♪ Oh, how you fooled me
With those giggles, winks, and nudges ♪

♪ The love that you gave me
Was a duplicate with smudges ♪

♪ 'Cause you put a piece of carbon paper
Under you heart ♪

♪ And gave me
Just a second sheet of love ♪

Rowlf, it's about this song.

Yeah? What about it?

-Well, it's a little weird.
-Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I wanted a song that was very weird,
but this was the best I could find.

-Just sing, Phyllis.
-Oh.

♪ Oh, how you fooled me
With those giggles, winks, and nudges ♪

♪ The love that he gave you
Was a duplicate with smudges ♪

♪ 'Cause you put a piece of carbon paper
Under your heart ♪

♪ And gave me just a copy of ♪

♪ Gave you just a copy of ♪

-♪ Gave you just a second sheet of love ♪
-♪ Gave me just a second sheet of love ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hey, wake up.

-Hm?
-What'd you think of that last number?

Oh, oh, that George Phyllis
is a wonderful singer.

You mean Phyllis George
is a wonderful singer.

They're both terrific.

And now the award for the Best Performance
By an Inanimate Object

or a Group of Inanimate Objects.

The nominees are...

[BAND PLAYS FANFARE]

the Singing Food...

[FOOD CHATTERING]

...the Talking Luggage...

[LUGGAGE MUTTERING]

...and the Dancing Mountains.

LUGGAGE:
Boo!

Are they here?

If they were here,
you'd know about it, kiddo.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

And the winner is...

the Dancing Mountains!

[LUGGAGE AND FOOD MUTTERING]

Whoa.

[GROUND RUMBLING AND FOOD YELPING]

Wait. Wait, uh, what's going on?

The Dancing Mountains won! Aah!

Oh, good grief. They're coming to accept.

Aah! Wait! Stop! Wait a minute!
Listen, Scooter! Hold it!

Excuse me, everybody! Wait a minute!

That award will not be presented.

Uh, we'll mail it out.

Now, what's next, Scooter?

Oh, it's the award for
the Funniest Comedy Performance By a Bear.

Yeah, figures.

Shh, shh, shh!

They are announcing my award.

And now the award for
the Funniest Comedy Performance By a Bear.

And the winner is...

Billy the Bear.

[BAND PLAYING FANFARE]

Hey, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Excuse me, excuse me.

Mwah. Love you. Har, har, guffaw. Ha, ha.

Hey, wonderful, wonderful.

Oh, excuse me. I thought you was a rug.

[GUFFAWS]

Hey, listen, is that your real face

or was your plastic surgeon cross-eyed?

[GUFFAWS]

Oh, listen, no hard feelings.
Come on, have a cigar.

No, thank you, I--

[EXPLODES]

[LAUGHING]

-Cheese!
-Thank you.

Another one.

Oh Louis! Louis! Louis Kazagger!

Yes, thank you. I'm here today,
talking to the Zucchinis,

who have, indeed,
their award right here.

Ah, we win the award!

Tell me, Biondo, how does it feel,
now that you've finally won something

after all these years in show business?

Well, I'm-a glad-a
you ask-a me that-a, Louis.

You see, we win-a because
we are the best-a foreign act!

Yay! We the best! Yay!

And, because it-a make us-a feel-a good!

Yay! Feel good!
That's right, that's right.

Yes, well, tell me, weren't you worried
about your competition,

the Nippon Flippers, the Swahili Stompers,
and the Volga Shoatmen?

Oh, he say "worried"! [LAUGH]

Worry, we don't worry...

No, no! We win and nobody ever gonna
take-a this award away from us!

I see. Well, we...

-It appears that the...
-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Yes, the Nippon Flippers
have indeed taken the award.

Biondo, how does it feel now that
someone's taken the award away from you?

Oh, Louis! We was-a robbed!
This is an outrage!

We gonna report-a this to U.N.!
Yeah, si.

Come back here!

Now it appears that the... yes,

I think... oh... the Swahili Stompers
have got the award,

and there seems to be some
confusion about this category.

Now the Volga Shoatmen
have the award!

Indeed. In fact, it's developing
into a lively debate.

And there's someone new
on the scene here.

This one appears young and hungry,
and indeed lives up to his appearances.

Hey, you eat-a that... oh no!
It's all gone!

By the way, here at the theater,
odds have riven a hundred to one

that the peace prize
will never be given.

And now I'd like to introduce Rowlf
with another nominee for Song of the Year.

I would also like to point out

that the George mentioned
in the song is not Phyllis.

Wait till you hear this one.

You thought the carbon-paper song
was strange.

[PLAYING SCHMALTZY JAZZ MUSIC]

I'd like to sing for you now a little song
entitled "You and I and George."

I'm sure you've never heard of this song.

"You and I and George" is one
of the most unheard-of songs of all time.

In its only recording,
"You and I and George" sold two copies.

I bought one, and George bought one.
Where were you?

♪ You and I and George ♪

♪ Were strolling
Through the park one day ♪

♪ And then you held my hand ♪

♪ As if to say ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ We came to a brook ♪

♪ And George
Fell in and drowned himself ♪

♪ And floated out to sea ♪

♪ Leaving you ♪

♪ Alone with me ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING FANFARE]

Uh-- Unh.

Uh, Miss George has asked me
to announce the next category.

The winner
of the Stunt of the Year award is...

the 500-foot Group Plunge,
recreated for us now

by the Falling Alfonsos!

[ACROBAT SCREAMING]

[ACROBATS SCREAMING]

Okay.

-Whoa.
-Here is your award, sir. Oh!

See why I asked him to announce it?

Uh... Oh, brother. Uh...

Whew. Ahem.

And now to read the list of the nominees

for Best Guest Star Appearance
on a Muppet Show,

here is Scooter.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

♪ There's John and Liza
Sly and Bob ♪

♪ And Elton J.
Who wasn't bad ♪

♪ Raquel and Steve
And Cheryl, Alice ♪

♪ Edgar B.
He's Charlie's dad ♪

♪ As well as Candice
She was great ♪

♪ And really earned her salary ♪

♪ And so did Twiggy, Ethel, Kaye
And Peter, Paul, and Valerie ♪

♪ There's Crystal, Victor, Linda
Dudley, Helen, Roy and Judy ♪

♪ There's Milton, Phyllis, Cloris, James
Loretta, Spike, and Rudy ♪

♪ There's Elke, Liberace, Lynn
And Harry, Avery, Cleo, Lou ♪

♪ Teresa, Jaye P., Gilda, Rich
Don, Jean, Bruce, Pearl, and Leo too ♪

[INHALES]

♪ There's Lena, Harvey, Juliet
Dyan, and if I get a chance ♪

♪ I'll try to find a place
Where I can also mention Mummenschanz ♪

♪ Along with Roy and Dale, Petula, Andy
Phyllis, Rita, Dom, and Nance ♪

♪ And Sandy, Arlo, Joel, and George ♪

♪ And Florence, Dizzy, Julie, Anne
Lorene and Bob and Peter ♪

♪ And Connie, Kenny, Bernadette
Marisa, Kris, and Rita ♪

♪ Madeline and Señor Wences
Lola, Charles, and Beverly ♪

♪ This list is getting much too long
So I'll just end it cleverly ♪

♪ Leslie, Lesley Ann, and John, and Danny
He's my hero ♪

♪ Roger, Ruth, Jim, Vincent, Ben
And last, not least, is Zero ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you very much, Scooter.
And the winner is...

The winner is me, Phyllis George.
Thank you, everyone.

Of course Phyllis George won.
No one else is here.

None of the others would be dumb enough
to come back.

This award will certainly sit
in a place of honor--

What do I do now?

Here.

-Oh, thank you.
-Yeah.

For a second there,
I was overcome by the thrill of victory.

Next we have the second nomination for
the Best Sketch, Veterinarian's Hospital.

NARRATOR:
And now Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

I'd like to thank the members
of the Academy--

Dr. Bob, what are you doing?

I'm practicing my acceptance speech.
Ha-ha-ha.

But we haven't won yet.

-No, we have to do the sketch first.
-Mm-hm.

We do? Well, I might as well forget this.

We could still win.

Yeah, but we've got
real tough competition.

I was afraid of that.
What's our competition?

Pigs in Space.

I'd like to thank the members
of the Academy--

Dr. Bob,
I was the star of Pigs in Space. Ahem.

Also my producer, my director--

Dr. Bob!

Nurse Piggy, you're in both sketches.
You can't lose.

Hey. You're right.

Eh. Not much point in going on.

NARRATOR: And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say:

Ah, knock it off. Let's get to the award.

Well, there you have it,
the last of the nominees

for the Best Sketch of the Year.

Oh, oh, oh. Floyd, how do I look?

Uh, nervous, Piggy?

Well, of course not, Floyd.
I'm in both nominated sketches.

There is no way for moi to lose.

And the winner is...

The judges have chosen
not to award a Fred in this category.

What?!

What do you mean, I lost?
I'll cut you in two, Phyllis George!

Wait a minute. It's not me.
I didn't decide.

Well, who did?

Well, the blue-ribbon panel of judges.

Don't tell me "judges." Who are they?

What names shall we carve
on their tombstones?

Don't you think you'd better go get ready
for the next category?

No. Why should I?

Well, it's the big one.

Performer of the Year.
And you're nominated.

Moi?

Ah. Oh, Performer of the Year.
Why, yes, of course, Phyllis, my sweet.

I shall go get ready.

Kissy-kissy, judges.

[GIGGLING]

Isn't she cute?

Oh, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie!
Come with me, Kermie. Oh, come on.

-What?
-The big award is about to be given.

Yeah, but, Piggy...

Uh, listen, Piggy, you know,
these awards don't mean anything to me.

But... Oh, Kermie.
But I want you next to me when I win.

But, Piggy, who's your competition?

Kermie, you old silly. What competition?

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
there is only one Fred left.

And it belongs to that person
our blue-ribbon panel has voted to be

Performer of the Year.

The nominees are...

Miss Piggy...

Oh, oh! Oh, thank you, thank you.
Kissy-kissy. Thank you all. Mwah!

[GIGGLING]

-...and Kermit the Frog.
-What?

Ah! Oh, oh. Wow, really?

And so at last, we come to the moment
we've all been waiting for.

-Mm!
-Gee.

-The most important award of the evening.
-Ooh.

The winner of Performer of the Year.

[PIGGY PANTS]

And that winner is...

[PIGGY WHIMPERING]

And the winner is...

Kermit the Frog.

[STAMMERS]

Oh, wow! Oh, really?
Oh, excuse me, Piggy. Now, pardon me.

Oh, wow.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Uh, thank you, thank you.
I'm so surprised.

I never thought I'd be up here
accepting this, uh, coveted Fred.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I'm really touched.

-Touched? I'll show you touched!
-What?

-Hi--!
-Wait, wait, wait! Hold--

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
in this, my hour of triumph,

I would specially like to thank
Miss Piggy.

Uh, thank you, my dear.

AUDIENCE:
Aww!

Ugh. Now I can't even hit him.

And so we come to the end
of our first annual Fred Award Show.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

Now, it really has been an evening

that proves the truth of that old song,
ladies and gentlemen...

♪ There's no business like show business ♪

BOTH:
♪ Like no business I know ♪

ALL:
♪ Everything about it is appealing ♪

♪ Everything the traffic will allow ♪

♪ Nowhere could you get
That happy feeling ♪

♪ When you are stealing that extra bow ♪

♪ There's no people like show people ♪

♪ They smile when they are low ♪

♪ Even with a turkey
That you know will fold ♪

♪ You may be stranded out in the cold ♪

♪ Still you wouldn't change it
For a sack of gold ♪

♪ Let's go on with the show ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUPPETS HUMMING UPBEAT SHOW TUNE]

This whole show turned out
better than I thought it would.

But before we go,
let us thank our wonderful guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen, Phyllis George. Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, Kermit, I can tell you one thing.

I love you guys so much, and this has been
the best award show ever.

I mean, look, everyone got an award.

Not everyone, George.

Uh, take it easy.

Uh, the voting was done by
our special panel of blue-ribbon judges.

Who are they? Who are these judges?
Let's see them.

-Uh, send in the judges!
-Hmm?

Rats?!

I'm not good enough for rats?!

Uh, uh, we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

ALL:
♪ ...on with the show ♪

[ALL CHATTERING]

PIGGY:
No, no, no!

[PIGGY SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Here, why don't you hold my award?
-No!

-You can do it.
-No!

-You can keep it in your room.
-Go away!

KERMIT:
Phyllis, great show, really wonderful.

PIGGY:
Get away from me!

KERMIT:
You did such a nice job.

PIGGY:
Go away!

Piggy?

I can't believe those rats
were responsible for this show.

Why not? They were also responsible
for the bubonic plague.