04x14 - Liza Minnelli

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Christopher Reeve.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Christopher.

Thanks, Scooter. Can you tell me what
these rats are doing in my dressing room?

I think it's the fox-trot.

Oh.

Gee, most stars get groupies. I get rats.

[RATS CHATTERING]

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Christopher Reeve.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

You know, if this show was an airplane,
it would have been grounded.

[BOTH LAUGH]

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HONKS]

[RATS LAUGHING]

Oh, rats.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hi-ho, and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

And do we have a show for you.

Well, as a matter of fact, we do.

And our guest star tonight is none other
than that fantastic film star,

the man who plays Superman,
Mr. Christopher Reeve.

MAN:
Wow!

Yes! But right now
it's opening-number time,

and the opening number happens to star me,
which is why I'm dressed this way.

So, uh, what can I say but, uh,
let's hear it for me! Yeah!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT DISCO MUSIC]

ALL:
♪ Ribbit, ribbit ♪

♪ In the evening when the sun goes down ♪

♪ Folks all hurry to the edge of town ♪

♪ At the bayou bank, they stand and wait
In the clear air ♪

♪ Soon the water ripples catch their eye ♪

♪ And the ladies hush and breathe a sigh ♪

♪ On a lily pad, all dressed in white
He appears there ♪

♪ And then I boogie up and down
And shuffle right ♪

♪ Slippin', splashin'
In the moonlight night ♪

♪ Alligators with their teeth so bright
Smile and sway there ♪

ALLIGATORS:
♪ Sway there ♪

ALL: ♪ And soon the loons are joining
In the jamboree ♪

♪ Everybody's happy just like me ♪

♪ Watch him dance on that log ♪

♪ Yeesh, it's the Disco Frog ♪

FROGS:
♪ Ribbit, ribbit ♪

Whoa!

FROGS:
♪ Ribbit, ribbit ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

FROGS:
♪ Ribbit, ribbit ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

FROGS: ♪ Ribbit, ribbit ♪
-♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

FROGS:
♪ Ribbit, ribbit ♪

♪ Ribbit, ribbit ♪

♪ And then I boogie up and down
And shuffle right ♪

♪ Slippin', splashin'
In the moonlight night ♪

♪ Alligators with their teeth so bright
Smile and sway there ♪

ALLIGATORS:
♪ Sway there ♪

FROGS: ♪ And soon the loons are joining
In the jamboree ♪

♪ Everybody's happy just like me ♪

♪ Watch him dance on that log ♪

♪ Yeesh, it's the Disco Frog ♪

FROGS: ♪ Ribbit, ribbit ♪
-♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪
FROGS: ♪ Ribbit, ribbit ♪

-♪ Wa-wa-wa-wa ♪
FROGS: ♪ Ribbit, ribbit ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I liked that tune. How about you?

I like New York in June.

♪ How about you? ♪

[BOTH SCATTING]

Okay. Way to go, frogs.

Nice going, alligators.
And not bad, me. Ha, ha.

Nope, not too terrifically terrible.

I'm back. I'm back, everyone.
Oh, Kermie. Kermie? Oh, I'm back.

Where have you been?
The show has already started.

Oh, Kermie.

I just stepped out
to pick up a costume for my number.

Oh, yeah.
What's so special about this number?

Oh, well, Kermie,
I am singing "Never Before."

-Oh. Oh, yeah. Mm-hm.
-Remember? In The Muppet Movie?

-I sang it to vous?
-Mm-hm.

It was so romantic, in the moonlight.

-Oh, Kermie. Remember? Remember?
-Aah.

-Oh... We snuggled together. Mm.
-Yeah. Mm-hm.

Uh, Piggy,
you'll get to sing the song again

right after the guest-star spot.

-Oh. Good. Well, who's the guest star?
-Uh, Christopher Reeve.

Christopher Reeve?

Christopher "Perfect Body" Reeve?

Mm-hm.

Oh! Chrissy! Chrissy, I'm coming!

Uh, gee.
She never called me Perfect Body.

[PANTING]

Kermit! Where's Kermit? Kermit!

Gonzo, you're supposed to be doing
the first act

of William Shakespeare's Hamlet
while hanging from your nose!

-I can't go on.
-Why not?

I sprained my nose.

Well, how did that happen?

Rehearsing with heavy shoes.

But we rented the scenery
and costumes and everything.

-Scooter!
-Yeah, boss?

Do we have anybody else
that can play Hamlet?

There's Chris Reeve. He's real good.
He's not busy till Vet's Hospital.

Good thought. Stall for me, would you?

-Stall?
-Chris?

Oh, it's Christopher Reeve. Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Hey, Kermit.
-Are you doing anything special right now?

I'm just hanging around the phone booth
in case trouble breaks out.

Yeah, well, it just did.

I was wondering if you'd like to fill in
for Gonzo's Hamlet spot.

-Hamlet?
-Mm-hm. Wouldn't you like to play Hamlet?

-No.
-But every actor wants to play Hamlet.

No, not really.

-Well, this is your big chance, then.
-Okay.

-Yeah, but you'll have to wear tights.
-Hmm.

Well, it won't be the first time. Okay.

Oh.

Maybe I should change.

[DRUMROLL THEN AUDIENCE GASPS]

I am ready.

You may introduce me, my good frog.

[STAMMERS]

Yes, sir. Uh, right. Uh, heh...

-Thank you very much.
-You're welcome.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the soliloquy from Hamlet.

And filling in for the ailing Great Gonzo,

here is the equally great, if not better
or possibly only a little worse than,

Mr. Christopher Reeve! Yay!

[BAND PLAYING FANFARE]

To be, or not to be:

That is the, um...

-"Question."
-Um... Not now.

No, no, no, that's your line.

I know. Ahem.

To be, or not to be: That is...
That is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune...

[GRUNTING]

Excuse me, Mr. Hamlet.
Do you want this now?

Upon what grounds
do you disturb my soliloquy?

Well, it's time for my coffee break.

Coffee grounds? Aah!

Please don't be mad, Mr. Hamlet.

I'm not mad. I'm acting. Let me see.

Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.

-Uh, terrific.
-A fellow of infinite jest.

Ah, and most excellent fancy.

Ahem. Fancy?
Ma always said I was the plain one.

And, ahem, he hath borne me on his back
a thousand times.

Well, if you ask me,
I'm still carrying the whole scene.

Why don't you guys sing?

Hamlet doesn't sing.

-I can sing.
-You're not Hamlet.

Oh, no. Well, listen.

Hamlet was my nickname
back when I was a little porker. Ha-ha-ha.

Listen, I don't usually perform
with amateurs.

Amateurs, eh? Ah!

I'll show you.

[SKULL BOUNCING]

Oh, good sh*t!

Wow! Hey, that's Hamlet, 2,
audience, nothing.

[HOGTHROB CHUCKLES]

Guys, I really don't think we're ready
for, uh, Shakespeare.

Yeah, well, he's not ready for you either.

-Oh, well.
-Song cue!

CHRISTOPHER & HOGTHROB:
You're welcome!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

ALL:
♪ Brush up your Shakespeare ♪

♪ Start quoting him now ♪

♪ Brush up your Shakespeare ♪

♪ And the women you will wow ♪

-♪ Just declaim a few lines from Othello ♪
FOZZIE: ♪ Yes, sir ♪

♪ And they'll think you're one heck
Of a fellow ♪

♪ Hey, if your blond won't respond
When you flatter her ♪

♪ Tell her what Tony told Cleopatterer ♪

♪ And if still to be shocked
She pretends, well ♪

-♪ Ah! ♪
-♪ Just remind her

-♪ That all's well that ends well ♪
-♪ Hey! ♪

ALL:
♪ Brush up your Shakespeare ♪

♪ And they'll all kowtow ♪

♪ Thinkst thou? ♪

ALL:
♪ And they'll all kowtow ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I'll always regret that I didn't study
Shakespeare when I was a kid.

When you were a kid,
you could have talked to Shakespeare.

[LAUGHING]

Talked to Shakes... Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, let's see. I'd better tell Piggy
that her Vet's Hospital sketch is next.

Oh, her door is ajar.

Oh! Oh, oh!

Oh, Christopher,
you great big beautiful hunk, you. Ahh.

Oh, Foo-Foo, do you have Mumsie's
autographed picture of Chrissy?

Come, bring to Mumsie.
Come on, Foo-Foo-kins.

Yes, that's a good dog. Come to Mumsie.

Oh.

Give it to Mumsie.
Oh, what a goodums doggy. Ah.

I don't believe this.

Mwah. Oh.

Let's see, now.
Where can we put his picture?

Um, there's no place.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[GASPS]

What a clever little Foo-Foo.

Oh, Christopher!
Oh, you beautiful brute! Ah!

Gee. She never called me
a beautiful brute.

Here is a Muppet News Flash.

Police announced
that a k*ller lamb had escaped

from the Department of Agriculture's
maximum-security sheep station.

This lamb is one of a new kind of sheep
that has been bred to hunt wolves

and is extremely dangerous.

[SHEEP BLEATS QUIETLY]

Uh, this k*ller lamb has been trained
to att*ck at the sound of a bell.

[PHONE RINGS THEN SHEEP BLEATS]

Hello?

[YELLS]

NARRATOR: Time once again
for Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

Hey, wait.
I'm not supposed to be the patient.

Today you're getting a dose
of your own medicine.

Ohh.

Yeah, but my medicine tastes bad.

Well, bad taste never bothered you before.

[ALL LAUGH]

-For sure.
-Okay, okay. Who's gonna be the doctor?

Dr. Reeve! Oh, Chrissy! Chrissy!

Sorry I'm late, nurse.
My caddy collapsed on the 17th hole.

[BOB & NURSES LAUGH]

Listen, what kind of doctor are you?

I'm a GP.

Yes, a gorgeous person.

[PIGGY GIGGLES & BOB GROANS]

[PIGGY PANTING]

Please, Nurse Piggy, stop panting.
You're fogging my mirror.

[BOB LAUGHS]

I can't help it. I love you!

[CRISTOPHER GROANS]

Thank you.

Let's see, now. Ooh, looks bad.
I'm going to operate.

-Oh, no, no!
-Come, now. This won't hurt a bit.

It'll hurt this bit
if you don't get laughs with it.

[CHRISTOPHER GROANS]

I'm not trying to get laughs.
I don't wanna set a precedent on the show.

Ooh, touché. Touché.

Just relax.
I'll have you fixed in no time.

Please, never say "fixed" to a dog.

You won't feel any pain.
I'm going to put you to sleep.

-Oh! Never say "put to sleep" to a dog.
-Oh, sorry.

JANICE:
Ooh!

Now, come. This has gone far enough.

Chrissy, let us go
to the nurse's lounge and...

-Yes?
-...lounge!

Ooh.

Ooh.

NARRATOR: And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Dr. Reeve say:

-I won't be here next week.
-You're leaving?

Faster than a speeding b*llet.

Ooh.

Ugh. This show is disgusting.
Get away. Get away.

I'm going to write to someone important
and put a stop to it.

[PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

Ugh.

♪ Na-da-da-da tune
Da-da-da croon ♪

SAM:
Dear, sir:

♪ They call it "Sam's Song" ♪

This show is sick and weird.

♪ Catchy as can be, the melody ♪

♪ They call it "Sam's Song" ♪

That is not my song. I do not have a song.

♪ Nothing on your mind... ♪

There are-- Get off the table.

♪ They call it "Sam's Song" ♪

There are rats here.

♪ While it makes you grin
Gets under your skin ♪

♪ As only a song can do ♪

-♪ People that you meet ♪
-♪ Ba-bibbly-beet ♪

-♪ Out on the street ♪
-♪ Out on the street ♪

♪ Are whistling "Sam's Song"... ♪

Don't whistle. Oh, no.

[WHISTLING]

-♪ Ba-bibbly-bee... ♪
-♪ Will seem to be... ♪

There is a thing whistling here.

♪ So forget your troubles
And wear a smile... ♪

There is a thing whistling.

♪ ...you'll never go wrong... ♪

I would suggest you have someone come
and fumigate...

♪ They call it "Sam's Song" ♪

There is a lump playing harmonica.

Get away!

There are vermin here.

♪ So forget your troubles
And wear a smile ♪

♪ You'll find you'll never go wrong ♪

♪ If you learn to croon a happy tune... ♪

All right, out, out, out! Get out!
Get out! Out! Out! Get out, all of you!

[SIGHS]

[HUMMING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

Hey, Sam. That's a nice song.
What is that?

Oh, I don't know.
Something called "Fred's Song."

Hmm. That's very pretty.

No, it's not.

Okay, let's see, now. Did that one.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-This is gonna be good.
-Christopher. May I have a word avec vous?

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

What?

-Come in.
-Oh, thanks.

Mm. Guys, I'll see you later, okay?
Thanks a lot. Bye.

Yucka. Move it.

RAT:
Whoa!

-Ah, Christopher.
-Hi, Miss Piggy.

You were wonderful in that last sketch.

-Ah, come on.
-How did you get a job as Superman?

Did someone see you lifting weights or--?
Wha-ha-ha!

Huh? Lifting weights? No, no.
I just auditioned for the part.

-Like a lot of other actors.
-Uh-huh.

But, uh, you know,
strength really had nothing to do with it.

Hm.

You're certain about that?

Ooh.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

I didn't bring it.

Oh. Pity.

Oh, how exciting it is
to be in the same dressing room

with the world's strongest man.

Come on, now.

I tell you, being strong had nothing to do
with getting the part.

I've just been lucky so far.
Well, knock on wood.

Whoops. Heh.

-Christopher? Christopher?
-Yeah. Mm-hm?

Remember in the movie
when you held Lois Lane?

Mm-hm.

Could you use my body
as a visual demonstration?

-I just put my arm around her.
-Show me.

-And the other arm where?
-The other arm too.

-You held her tighter...
-I had to because she'd fall.

-Tighter. Ah, ah.
-Yeah. Sort of like that.

-Tighter.
-Well...

-Uh, excuse me, Chris.
-Ah! Ah! Oh, Kermie!

-Uh...
-Um... Um...

Christopher was showing me how to--
He was-- What were you doing?

I was showing her how I held Lois Lane
in the movie.

In the movie. Lois Lane. Yes. Mm-hm, yeah.

That's the worst explanation
I've ever heard.

Boy, he looked kind of jealous.

Oh, he always looks jealous.

That's his natural color.

MAN: Olé! Olé!
WOMAN: Bravo! Bravo! Magnifico!

[PLAYING LIVELY OPERA MUSIC]

Ah!

[HOOVES CLOPPING]

Wait! Hold it! Aah!

-Ave Maria!
-Help! Aah!

[PIANO CRASHES]

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Oh, ahem.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs,
where the future is being made today.

Well, my assistant, Beaker,
is bringing in old Bossie here

because today we're going to test
Muppets Labs' latest invention,

the electrically heated milking machine.

[MOOS THEN YELLS]

Yes, cows just love
sliding into a warm, cozy milking machine

on these frosty mornings.

Don't they, Beaker?

[BEAKER SCREAMS THEN CRASHES]

[SCREAMS]

[SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

Oh, Beakie-poo, that's not funny.

You'll get dandruff in the milk.

[SCREAMS]

Ugh.

Why, Beaker...

you're hauntingly attractive today.

[COW LAUGHING]

And now here is Miss Piggy
to sing "Never Before and Never Again,"

a song that means a lot to the two of us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Piggy! Yay!

[BAND PLAYING DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC]

♪ Never before ♪

Ow! Oh!

[GROANING]

Oh! Rowlfy, I hope I did not hurt
your pawsie-wawsies.

[GROANING CONTINUES]

Uh... Uh, Piggy, what happened to Rowlf?

Well, I do not know.
Someone must have blown a doggy whistle.

Well, what do we do about a pianist?

Um, do you think possibly Christopher
could play piano for me?

Why not? He does everything else.

KERMIT: Oh, Chris?
-Now what?

-Piggy wants you to play piano for her.
-Play the piano for her?

[RATS CHATTERING]

What do you think, guys?
Play the piano? Yeah? Yeah?

Okay. I'm game for anything.

Boy, I'll tell you something,
this is quite a phone booth.

-How about that, huh?
-Nice. Nice.

Okay. Oh. Listen, if anybody calls
while I'm out, take a number.

I'll call back.
Super Rat, you're in charge.

Super Rat?

Ooh! Oh, oh, oh, ah!

Um, ladies and gentlemen,
to accompany moi on the piano...

Ready, Chrissy?

Ahem. ...Mr. Christopher Reeve!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Yes.

Thank you. What are we doing?
"Never Before, Never Again"?

No, I have an especial song for us.

Uh, "East of the Sun
and West of the Moon."

-Mm-hm.
-I don't think I know this one.

Just, uh, play, Perfect Body.

I'll try.

[PLAYING ELEGANT JAZZ MUSIC]

[SIGHING]

That my note?

Oh. Thank you. Ahem.

♪ I wish that we could live
Up in the sky ♪

♪ Where we could find a place
Away up high ♪

♪ To live among the stars
The sun, the moon ♪

♪ Just vous and I ♪

[THROATILY]
♪ East of the sun ♪

♪ And west of the moon ♪

Sing, Chris.

♪ We'll build a dream house ♪

♪ Of love, dear ♪

♪ Oh, near to the sun in the day ♪

♪ Yes, near to the moon at night ♪

♪ We'll live in a lovely way, dear ♪

♪ Living on love and pale moonlight ♪

Sing it, Chris.

-♪ Just you and I ♪
-♪ Ah-ah ♪

-♪ Forever and a day ♪
-♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Love will not die ♪

♪ We'll keep it that way ♪

♪ Up among the stars we'll find ♪

♪ A harmony of life to a lovely tune ♪

BOTH:
♪ East of the sun ♪

♪ And west of the moon, dear ♪

♪ East of the sun ♪

♪ And west of the moon ♪

Oh, Chrissy, please sweep me up

and fly me over the towers
of Metropolis, please?

-Now?
-Yes, yes, now, please?

-Okay, but just a short trip, all right?
-Oh. I'm ready.

Away!

-Ahem.
-Away!

Sorry. I don't think I can manage.

Maybe you've gained a few pounds.

Just shut up and sing, Reeve.

BOTH:
♪ Up among the stars we'll find ♪

♪ A harmony of life to a lovely tune ♪

♪ East of the sun ♪

♪ And west of the moon, dear ♪

♪ East of the sun ♪

♪ And west of the moon ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you.

[PIGGY PANTING]

Okay. We've done the beginning
and the middle,

so say hello to the end.

It's been wonderful show,

especially since our guest star
has been Mr. Christopher Reeve! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Yay!

Yay!

Thanks a lot. You guys are crazy,
but I had a great time.

Oh, good. Well, listen.

-Tell me the truth, Chris.
-Yeah.

You really could have lifted Miss Piggy
if you tried, couldn't you?

Are you kidding?
Usually I have to lift locomotives,

and some of them are even heavier
than she is.

-Ohh!
-I heard that, Reeve.

-Oop.
-Hi-yah!

[THUDS]

He really is the Man of Steel. Whew.

Well, we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Well, this has been an evening
to remember.

Why?

I forgot.