04x17 - Mark Hamill

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Muppet Show". Aired: September 5, 1976 - May 23, 1981.*
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Join Jim Henson's Muppets, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo on their variety show.
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04x17 - Mark Hamill

Post by bunniefuu »

[KNOCKING]

Dizzy Gillespie. Dizzy Gillespie.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Dizzy!

Oh, uh... Say, Diz.
Kermit does have one rule for this show.

What's that?

No puppets allowed.

What?

Guess I have to play the trumpet then.

It's The Muppet Show,
with our very special guest star,

Dizzy Gillespie!

Yay!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Poor Statler. He couldn't take it anymore.

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[PLAYS "CHARGE"]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hi-ho and welcome to another one.

We call these things Muppet Shows, and
we call tonight's Muppet Show a good one.

And that's because our very special
guest star is the amazing master of jazz,

Mr. Dizzy Gillespie.

Why, tonight even Statler and Waldorf
will have a good time.

Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit.
He's sick.

Oh, that's too bad. The flu?

No, the show. He's sick of it.

[WALDORF LAUGHS]

Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?

Not much chance of that.
My wife is using Statler's ticket.

She's just powdering her nose.

No kidding? I've always wanted
to meet your wife.

I thought the show had started.
Who's the frog?

Uh, that's Kermit, dear.

What's your wife's name, Waldorf?

Astoria.

It figures.

Come on, k*ll the small talk.

Isn't there any music on this show?

Oh, yes, indeed, Astoria.

Uh, in honor of Dizzy Gillespie,

we present an all-jazz evening,
starting with--

ASTORIA:
Can the commentary.

Hit it, boys. One, two, three...

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ There's lots of fish in the sea ♪

♪ From which a girl can choose ♪

♪ There's lots of fish in the sea ♪

♪ From which a girl can choose ♪

♪ But speakin' personally ♪

♪ I wanna catch me some blues ♪

♪ If I saw a turbot
I don't think I'd disturb it ♪

♪ I wouldn't wanna trifle with a trout ♪

♪ A flounder is a bounder
A shad is a cad ♪

♪ And the red snapper's definitely out ♪

♪ Not the cod or the scrod
Or the little sardine ♪

♪ Can get in the swim ♪

♪ They just don't make the scene ♪

♪ I tell you definitely ♪

♪ I wanna catch me some blues ♪

[WATER SPLASHES]

Now, let me get this straight.
This is a typical show, right, Waldorf?

Well, I'd say so, Astoria, my dear. Hm.

First a frog talks, and then a fish sings.

Mm. I wanted you to see for yourself.

I bet you thought I came here
to have a good time.

Okay, nicely done, fish.

-Are you Kermit the Frog?
-Uh, yeah.

Well, I'm Inspector LaBrea,
County Environmental Department.

Oh?

I'm gonna record the loudness level
on your show.

You see, there have been some complaints
about the noise.

Too much noise on our show?
Uh, what kind of noise?

Certainly not applause or laughter.
Ha-ha-ha.

-Ha, ha.
-You see, music is your big problem.

Let me show you.

What?

[BLOWS TRUMPET THEN ALARM WAILING]

-You're concerned about noise, huh?
-What?

I say, you're concerned about noise!

Ahem. Yeah, yeah.

It's the music, so, huh?

Uh, yes. You see, your strings are okay.
But the brass,

especially the trumpet, is m*rder.

Oh, terrific. Kermit, hey,
it's time to introduce Dizzy Gillespie.

Who?

Uh, uh, Izzy Gilleskie,
one of the world's greatest violinists.

Izzy? What are you talking about?
You know Dizzy plays--

[FOZZIE YELLS]

Oh! Why did you do that?

Uh, Fozzie, why don't you take
the noise inspector,

noise inspector LaBrea
down to the canteen for a cup of coffee?

Gotcha. Got-- A-ha.

[WHISPERS] Uh, let's go sir.

-Yeah.
-Gotcha.

[KERMIT HUMS]

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

one of the living legends of jazz
is with us tonight.

Uh, there's no sense talking about it
when we could be listening.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Dizzy Gillespie! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING "ST. LOUISE BLUES"]

♪ St. Louis woman with her diamond ring ♪

♪ She pull that man aroun'
By her apron string ♪

♪ 'Tweren't for powder
An' her store-bought hair ♪

♪ Oh, that woman I love
Wouldn't have gone nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ I hate to see evenin' sun go down ♪

♪ Hey, I hate to see evenin' sun go down ♪

♪ 'Cause my baby
She done left this town ♪

Watch it now.

Go!

[SCATTING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, what did you think of that, poopsie?

-Well, not too bad.
-Mm-hm.

I can understand why you keep doing it
week after week.

You can?

By the way, how much do they pay you?

Pay me?

Of course.

Can you imagine some poor,
stupid turkey doing this for nothing?

Gobble, gobble.

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

Hey, do you know
how to get to Carnegie Hall?

Practice, man. Practice.

The old ones are the best ones.

-Kermit? Kermit, hey, I'm sorry.
-Hm?

I didn't know he was a noise inspector.

Oh, it's okay.
He's perfectly safe down in the canteen.

That's what you think.
The Chef is mashing potatoes on his anvil.

[CLANGING NEARBY]

[LaBREA SCREAMING]

[CHEF SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Man, I thought they'd never leave.

Yeah. Enough of these musician jokes.

That guy's an inspector.
He's recording the show.

Hmm, groovy. Maybe we'll make the charts.

It's not that kind of recording.

[PANTING]

That guy's a maniac.

I know, but he doesn't make much noise.

[SHOUTS GIBBERISH]

[POT CLANGS THEN NOISE ALARM WAILS]

[TIRES SCREECHING
AND SIREN WAILING NEARBY]

[CRASHING]

Oh. Hey, man. What was that?

B flat.

[PLAYS B FLAT NOTE]

NARRATOR:
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

[YAWNING]

Miss Piggy.
I'm back, and you've gotta know:

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Only three times?
Last week, you loved me four times.

I've been sick.

Hey, just a minute. Are you back again?

I've already taken out your appendix
and your tonsils. What's the matter now?

Dr. Bob, I love Miss Piggy.

I see.

Prepare the patient for brain surgery.

Watch it, doc.
This patient has good taste.

Oh, yeah?
Then, why does he have me for a doctor?

Brain surgery? Are you serious, Dr. Bob?

No, I'm Comical Dr. Bob.

Serious Dr. Bob was my brother,
the comedian.

You have a brother who is a comedian?

Well, I did, until he fell
into a vat of molten optical glass.

What happened?

He made a spectacle of himself.

Okay. Okay, this week,
we will take out the patient's snew.

What's "snew?"

Nothing. What's new with you?

Ew. That's an old joke.

Yeah, well, it's snew to me.

Hey, hey, Miss Piggy.
Please tell me you love me,

because we've gotta
stop meeting like this.

Why?

I'm running out of vital organs.

NARRATOR: So we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

It's about time!

Tune in next time
when we'll hear Dr. Bob say:

Prepare for surgery.

Dr. Bob, are you really going
to remove his brain?

No, something much more vital than that.

-You mean...?
-Yes, his wallet.

Yes. Here we go.

Ta-da.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen,
here we present Geri and the Atrics! Yay!

One, two, three, and...

[PLAYING "DO WAH DIDDY DIDDY"]

♪ There he was
Just a walking down the street singing ♪

♪ Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do ♪

♪ Poppin' his fingers
And shufflin' his feet singing ♪

♪ Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do ♪

-♪ He looked good ♪
-♪ Looked good ♪

-♪ He looked fine ♪
-♪ Looked fine ♪

♪ He looked good
He looked fine ♪

♪ And I nearly lost my mind ♪

♪ Before I knew it
He was walking next to me singing ♪

♪ Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do ♪

♪ Holdin' my hand
Just as natural as can be singing ♪

♪ Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do ♪

-♪ We walked on ♪
-♪ Walked on ♪

-♪ To my door ♪
-♪ My door ♪

♪ We walked on
To my door ♪

♪ Then we kissed a little more ♪

♪ I knew we were falling in love ♪

♪ Yes, I did and so I told him
All the things I'd been dreamin' of ♪

♪ Now we're together
Nearly every single day singing ♪

♪ Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do ♪

♪ We are so happy, and that's how
We're going to stay singing ♪

♪ Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do ♪

Here I go, Emmie.

♪ Now we're together
Nearly every single day singing ♪

♪ Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do ♪

-♪ Well, I'm his ♪
-♪ I'm his ♪

-♪ He's mine ♪
-♪ He's mine ♪

♪ I'm his and he's mine
Wedding bells are gonna chime singing ♪

♪ Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do ♪

♪ Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ A one, a two ♪

♪ A you know what to do ♪

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ A little bit of dis
A little bit of dat ♪

♪ Makes a whole lotta heapa ♪

♪ When you're puttin' out
More'n you're takin' in ♪

Let me get this straight.

♪ A little bit of dis
A little bit of dat ♪

-♪ Makes a whole lotta heapa ♪
-♪ Don't it? ♪

♪ When you're puttin' out
More than you're takin' in ♪

♪ Let's go to bed
Say sleepy head ♪

♪ Let's stay awhile
Say slow ♪

♪ Let's put on the pot
Say greedy gut ♪

♪ And eat before we go ♪


Play it, brother.

[SCATTING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, honestly, Waldorf.
I don't understand you.

Why do you come here

and put up with this irritating,
mindless, incessant nonsense

when you could stay home with me?

Eh, no comment.

-LaBREA: Uh, Mr. Frog?
-Ah. Ahem.

Mr. Frog, do you have
a permit to keep livestock?

Uh, livestock?

Uh, yes. When I was backstage,
I noticed... Ahem.

Sixteen chickens, six horses,
four goats, eight hogs...

Excusez-moi.

Kermie, may I speak with vous incognito?

Uh, sure, wherever you want.

Excuse us a second.

-Uh, yeah. Ahem.
-What?

This the inspector you want me to charm?

Yeah, but I don't think
this is a good time.

Oh, Kermie, mon cherie,
do not worry about a thing.

Ahem. Yoo-hoo!

[GIGGLING]

I do not believe that we have met.

Uh, no, we haven't. I'm Inspector LaBrea.

Ooh. Kermie, you silly.

You did not tell me the inspector
was such a handsome man.

Uh, as you know, I am Miss Piggy.

Right. Add to that list, one sow.

What?

Sow. You know, rhymes with cow. Ha-ha-ha.

Uh, Piggy--

Oh, yeah? Rhyme this! Hi-yah!

[YELLS THEN NOISE ALARM WAILS]

Oh, shut up.

[ALARM STOPS]

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

ANIMAL:
Yeah!

Yeah!

Hey! Hey you, down there!

Hey!

Do you know there's a little old lady
sleeping up here?

No, but hum a few bars and we'll fake it.

♪ There's a little lady sleeping up here ♪

[TRUMPETS PLAY FANFARE]

Ta-da. Uh, thank you.

And now, have I got good news for you.

-That inspector is closing the show.
-No.

Then you don't have good news for us.

Say, you're as bad as the two old geezers.

Why not? She's a geezer-ess.

[GRUNTS]

Okay, so welcome, if you will,

The Muppet Show's own cute and clownish,
cuddly king of comedy, Fozzie Bear!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Heya, heya, heya!

Hi, wocka, wocka, wocka! Ah!

Hey, did you hear the one about the lady
who went to the psychiatrist and said,

"Doctor, my husband thinks
he's a refrigerator."

And the doctor says, "Well, don't worry
about it." And the woman said--

"I have to. He sleeps with his mouth open
and the little light keeps me awake."

Very funny.

Uh, yeah. Uh, moving right along.

All right, same lady, right? Good.

Goes in the psychiatrist's office, says,

"Doctor, my husband thinks
he's a transistor radio."

And the doctor says, "Well, have him
come in. We'll talk about it."

And the woman says--

"He can't talk. His batteries are dead."

Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Oh, this guys is a riot.

I am?

-Let's hear it for Fozzie Bear!
-Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You've been a very funny audience.
I've really enjoyed listening to you.

What happened? Where did I go right?

I thought he'd never leave.

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, cross town buses run all night?

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah. ♪

Well, what's next on the show?

Uh, just the closing musical number.

No trumpets, right? Because if this thing
goes off one more time--

I know, I know,
you're gonna cancel the show.

No, it's just a, uh...

Well, it's, uh...

It's just an encore by our violinist.

Oh, yeah, yeah, good. Well, okay,
I'm gonna stay here and watch him.

[KERMIT GULPS]

-Right here?
-Yeah, what's his name? Uh...

Uh, Izzy something? Uh...

Hm. No, in actuality, it's...

It's Dizzy Gillespie.

Dizzy Gillespie?

That's terrific!

-It is?
-Yeah!

What? But he plays trumpet.

He sure does.
The guy's my all-time favorite.

Hey, do me a favor. Let me sit in
with him. I play a little saxophone.

Gee, well, why, fine,
if you'll forget your recorder there.

Uh, what recorder?

[CLATTERING]

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
it's jazz time again.

And joining our guest star
on this final session

is Inspector LaBrea,
the swinging civil servant. Ahem.

Uh, and here he is, our guest star
with one of his great tunes,

Mr. Dizzy Gillespie! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[MUPPETS SHOUTING IN RHYTHM]

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

[MUPPETS VOCALIZING]

♪ Swing low, sweet Cadillac ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ Swing low, sweet Cadillac ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ I looked over Jordan
And what did I see? ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ Oh, an Eldorado comin' after me ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ Swing low, sweet Cadillac ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ Swing low, sweet Cadillac ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ Going home, going home ♪

-♪ Heaven ♪
-♪ Heaven ♪

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ Now old Cadillacs never die ♪

♪ The finance company just ♪

♪ Fade 'em ♪

♪ Away ♪

ANIMAL:
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Okay, well, we've done
just about all we wanted to do

except to say thank you
to our very special guest star,

ladies and gentlemen,
one of the giants of jazz,

Mr. Dizzy Gillespie! Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, Kermit. And I want you to know
how much I admire you frogs.

-You admire us frogs? Why is that?
-Yeah, yeah.

Because you all can do this.

[KERMIT GASPS]

I can't do that.

All I can do is say we'll see you
next time on The Muppet Show.

How did you do that?

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Oh, that's wonderful.

BOTH:
Boo!

-[NOISE ALARM WAILING]
-That does it. The show is canceled.

BOTH:
Yay!
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