04x22 - Andy Williams

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Oh, Carol. Carol Channing.
Thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Channing.

Thank you, Scooter.

Scooter, are you aware
that it's freezing in here?

Oh, yeah, it's got to be for the penguins.

[PENGUINS CHATTERING]

Well, why do we have to have penguins?

So the walrus won't get lonely.

[ROARS]

Well, now I understand why my closet
is full of dead fish.

It's The Muppet Show, with our very
special guest star, Carol Channing!

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[WIND WHISTLING]

[YELLS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hi-ho, and look what we have here, us.

Yes, welcome to The Muppet Show,
where our special guest star

is everybody's favorite musical
comedy star, Miss Carol Channing.

[CROWD CHEERS]

Yes, so here she is now in a Muppet salute
to the wonderful world of ophthalmology.

Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ Jeepers ♪

♪ Jeepers, creepers ♪

♪ Where'd you get those peepers? ♪

♪ Jeepers, creepers ♪

♪ Where'd you get those eyes? ♪

♪ Gosh all git up ♪

♪ How'd you get so lit up? ♪

♪ Gosh all git up ♪

♪ How'd you get that size? ♪

♪ Golly gee ♪

♪ When you turn those heaters on
Woe is me ♪

♪ I gotta get my cheaters on ♪

♪ Jeepers, creepers ♪

♪ Where'd you get those peepers? ♪

♪ Oh, those weepers ♪

♪ How they hypnotize ♪

♪ Won't you put me wise? ♪

♪ You should get a prize ♪

♪ How'd they get that size? ♪

♪ Where did you get those eyes? ♪

♪ I, yi, yi, yi, yi
I like you very much ♪

♪ I, ay, ay, ay, ay
I think you're grand ♪

♪ Why, why, why, why, why, why
When I feel your touch ♪

♪ My heart starts to b*at
To b*at the band ♪

♪ I fell in love with you
The first time I looked at you ♪

♪ Them there eyes ♪

♪ You've got a certain little cute way
Of flirting with ♪

♪ Them there eyes ♪

♪ You make me feel happy
Never make me blue ♪

♪ No stalling, I'm falling ♪

♪ Going in a big way
For sweet little you ♪

♪ My heart is thumping
You sure started something with ♪

♪ Them there eyes ♪

♪ You'd better watch them if you're wise ♪

♪ They sparkle, they bubble ♪

♪ They're gonna get you
In a whole lot of trouble ♪

-♪ You're overworking ♪
-♪ You're overworking ♪

-♪ There's danger lurking ♪
-♪ There's danger lurking ♪

♪ In them there eyes ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, what a great number.

We should send roses back
to Carol Channing.

What do we give the weird guys
with the big eyes?

Fifty lashes.

Okay, very nice. Nicely ogled.

-We were okay? Oh!
-Twenty-twenty.

-Oh, Scooter.
-Yeah, boss?

I gotta change for the next number.
I'll be right back, okay?

Check, chief.

-Hi, Miss Piggy.
-Oh, hi.

-Scooter! Scooter, will you help me?
-Yes?

-I can't go another step.
-What's wrong?

Oh, I just bought these new shoes,
and they are k*lling me.

-Help me get them off, will you?
-Sure, Miss Piggy.

Just pull.

[SCOOTER GRUNTING]

-That's one.
-Okay.

[SHOUTS]

[SIGHS]

Oh, never again.

Oh, what's wrong?
Didn't they have your size?

Heh. Scooter, dear,
you wouldn't understand.

You're not a woman.

I guess not. I'm not even a pig.

Okay. Oh, oh, Miss Piggy.

Are these your shoes? They look new.

Oh, yes, they are,
but I'm taking them back.

They're just not the right...

Heh. They're not the right style pour moi.

Oh. I wouldn't say that.
They look very elegant.

-You think so?
-Sure. I bet you'd look terrific in them.

-Scooter!
-Yeah?

-Promise you won't ask any questions.
-Okay, I promise.

Help me put the shoes back on.

-Are you crazy?
-You promised.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a very special treat tonight.

Because with us is one of the great stars
of the silent screen.

Now although you may not remember
her name, she was once a superstar.

And here she is now
to tell her own sad story.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[WITH WHISTLING LISP]
My name is Cecelia Sisson.

-Wait, Cecelia Sisson, huh?
-Certainly.

S-I-S-S-O-N. Sisson.

Yes. Now, I understand that your last film

was the world's first all-singing,
all-talking picture.

Yes, I had been on the silent screen
for seven years.

Then I spoke and sang
in Mississippi Melody.

And, uh, then what happened?

Overnight I hit the skids.

So to speak.

Uh, yes, that's certainly
an amazing story, Cecilia.

They seemed to feel that there was
something wrong with my voice.

No.

Sadly so.

Now as l look back I say,

"Cecilia, if you'd only learned
to keep your big mouth shut."

Uh, thank you, Cecilia, and...
[WHISTLES] so long.

[PIGGY GRUNTING]

Hey, Cinderella,
who sold you the slippers?

A shoe salesman or a sausage stuffer?

Floyd, dear, before you say anything more,

why don't you just jot down
your next of kin?

It'll be easier for the authorities.

-I hear you talking.
-Mm.

[GRUNTS]

-Oh, Piggy.
-Oh! Ha, ha. Hi, Kermie.

-Oh, I see you're wearing your new shoes.
-Mm-hm.

-They look very nice.
-Thank you.

Hey, let me see you just walk around
a little bit on them.

-Hm?
-Just walk around a little bit.

Let me see the backs of them.

Um...

[LAUGHING]

Nice. Uh, hey,
can you dance in those, too?

-What?
-Sure, let's just dance a little bit.

Here we go.

[HUMMING]

[BOTH HUMMING]

Oh, oh, the next number's on.

This is one of my favorite numbers.

What's that?

"Your Feet's Too Big."

Hi-yah!

[JAZZ PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Mm-mm!

My, oh, my, don't you look nice.

Why, thank you.

Oh, you got such a pretty face.

Oh!

Mm. I love your shape.

Oh!

Matter of fact, there's only two things
wrong with you.

What's that?

I'll tell you about it.

♪ Say up in Harlem at a table for two ♪

♪ There were four of us
Me, your big feet, and you ♪

You're such a tease.

♪ From your ankle up
I'd say you are sweet ♪

♪ From that down
There's just too much feet ♪

♪ Yeah, your feet's too big ♪

♪ Don't want you
Because your feet's too big ♪

[LAUGHS]

♪ Can't use you
Because your feet's too big ♪

♪ I really hate you
Because your feet's too big ♪

[BOTH SCATTING]

♪ Where'd you get them ♪

♪ Your girl, she likes you
She thinks your nice ♪

Well, I am.

♪ Got what it takes to be in paradise ♪

♪ She says she likes your face
She likes your rig ♪

♪ Yeah, but, man, oh, man
Them feets are too big ♪

♪ Mm, your feet's too big ♪

♪ Don't want you
Because your feet's too big ♪

[LAUGHING]

♪ Mad at you because your feet's too big ♪

♪ I hate you because your feet's too big ♪

Come on, move them gunboats around.

You know, I bet if you had any shoes
you could rent them out as storage space.

♪ Oh, yeah, your pedal extremities
Are colossal ♪

♪ To me, you look just like a fossil ♪

♪ You got me walking, talking, squawking ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, because your feet's too big ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Too bad you ain't got dainty little feet
like me.

Bet you need tow trucks
to move them around.

Oh, good thing
you got a lot of soul, honey.

Well, you're just one big heel.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUMBLING]

What?

Do you wanna hear some penguin music?

Hey, Beau, let's play some penguin music,
make this little dude feel at home.

Waves.

Penguin music?

Oh, that one.

[PLAYING RELAXING MELODY]

[PIGGY GRUNTING]

Would you get out of the way?

[PENGUIN YELLS]

Would you move it?

[PIGGY GROANING]

Would you get out of the way?

Get out of the way.

Move it.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

NARRATOR [ECHOING]:
And now, Pigs in Space.

You will recall
that in our last episode...

Uh, wait a minute,
Miss Piggy isn't here yet.

PIGGY:
Uh, start without me.

-I have a little problem.
NARRATOR: Check.

You will recall that in our last episode,
the crew of the Swinetrek

was being held c*ptive
by an invisible force field.

This is serious, captain.

Some terrible force field is preventing us
from leaving this room.

Look.

[FORCE FIELD ZAPS]

Oh, that's dreadful.

I'll try this door over here.

[FORCE FIELD ZAPS]

Maybe if I got a running start.

-Oh, I wouldn't do that.
-Here I go! Aah!

That's why I wouldn't do that.

Oh, this is terrible.

Here we are trapped forever.

Nothing can penetrate
this invisible shield.

[PIGGY GRUNTING]

Oh, sorry I'm late.

Don't do that, the invisible shield.

Who cares about the invisible shield?

Oh, these shoes.

But the invisible shield,
that's part of the sketch.

I don't care.

I'm in great pain.

ROWLF:
This sounds like a job for Dr. Bob.

But the invisible shield.

Now then, what's the trouble?

Oh, Miss Piggy's in big pain.

Of course she's a big pain,
what else is new?

JANICE:
For sure. For sure.

That does it just, get out of this sketch.

Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

[FORCE FIELD ZAPPING]

Oh, no, it's no use.

We're trapped here for all eternity.

PIGGY:
Oh, brother. Let me get me out of here.

Oh, brother.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, how will we ever get out of all this?

Easy. Cue announcer.

NARRATOR: Tune in again next time
for another adventure of Pigs in Space.

You know, we have him at the hospital too.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

[PIGGY GROANING]

-Oh, Carol.
-Miss Piggy.

Can I talk to you woman to woman?

Oh, yes, dear. Are you all right?

Well, actually, to tell you the truth...

[GRUNTS THEN SHOE POPS OFF]

-You see these shoes?
-Yes.

-My frog, he loves them.
-Yes?

My feet hate them.

Oh, you poor dear.

I know what. You know,
I've had troubles like this myself,

and I read somewhere that if
you soak your feet in pickle juice,

it shrinks them.

-Pickle juice?
-Yes.

Uh, Carol, I can't do that.
I mean, people might say that I have--

Oh, don't say it.
Of course, pickled pigs' feet.

How could I be so gross?

-What will I do? Tell me.
-I'll tell you, darling.

What you need is to have these enlarged.

Timmy.

Uh, yes, ma'am, Miss Carol?

Timmy, could you please
put these on your feet

and run around the block several times
like a good boy.

Okay, Miss Carol.

-Are you sure that'll work?
-Sure.

Just this morning I had him stretch
a pair of false eyelashes for me.

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

[EGGS SQUEAKING]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

...meaty loafer... the meat...

...the loafer.

Good meat. Good meat.

Put the meat in the loafer...

Hey! Hey, give me back my shoe.

[SQUISHING]

Ha.

[SQUISHING]

[DOGS BARKING]

[YELLING]

-Miss Piggy? Oh!
-Aah!

[SIGHS]

Don't do that.

Did Timmy the monster
stretch your shoes for you?

Shh, shh, shh!

Uh, Kermie, um, I'm just about ready
for the number with Carol.

-Oh, good.
-I just have my hairdo to do.

Mm-hm. Uh, Piggy, you're not wearing
those cute shoes.

Um, well, Kermie,
I just sent them out to be--

-Stretched.
-Polished.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Oh, Miss Piggy.
-Oh, Timmy.

-Hurry, hurry, hurry. Yes. Yes.
-Here they are.

[SIGHS]

I'm alone in a world of weirdos.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we present now the palace.

And among the other people there,
we will find Miss Carol Channing!

Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[CHATTERING]

Introducing the Queen of Westendia,
Her Royal Highness, Miss Carol.

[ELEGANT FANFARE PLAYS]

Announcing the Princess of Trichanosia,

Her Royal Highness, Miss Piggy.

[ELEGANT FANFARE PLAYING]

[CHATTERING]

Now, Miss Piggy, that's what I wanted
to tell you about.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ A kiss on the hand
May be quite continental ♪

♪ But diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪

♪ A kiss may be grand ♪

♪ But it won't pay the rental
On your humble flat ♪

♪ Or help you at the automat ♪

♪ Men grow cold as girls grow old ♪

♪ And we all lose our charms in the end ♪

Hoo-ah!

♪ But square cut or pear shape
These rocks don't lose their shape ♪

-♪ Diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪
-♪ Diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪

-Um, will you excusez-moi, Carol?
-Yes?

-Moi? You mean vous?
-Oui.

[PIGGY CHUCKLES]

♪ Diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪

♪ There may come a time
When a lass needs a lawyer ♪

♪ But diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪

♪ There may come a time
When a hard boiled employer ♪

♪ Thinks you're awful nice ♪

♪ But get that ice or else no dice ♪

♪ He's your guy when stocks go high ♪

♪ But beware when they start to descend ♪

♪ It's then that those louses
Go back to their spouses ♪

-♪ Diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪
-♪ Diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪

-Excusez-moi, Carol.
-Watch it.

-♪ Diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪
-♪ Diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪

-♪ Time rolls on and youth is gone ♪
-♪ Time rolls on and youth is gone ♪

♪ And you can't straighten up
When you bend ♪

♪ But stiff back or stiff knees ♪

♪ You stand straight at Tiffany's ♪

♪ Diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪

♪ I don't mean rhinestones ♪

♪ Diamonds ♪

♪ Diamonds ♪

♪ Diamonds ♪

♪ Diamonds ♪

♪ Diamonds are a girl's ♪

♪ Best friend ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, well, that's just about
all the time we have.

It's been wonderful
playing the palace, uh,

but before we go, let us bring back
our fantastic guest star,

ladies and gentlemen,
the terrific Miss Carol Channing!

Yay!

Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you.

-But, Kermie...
-Mm.

I did wanna thank Miss Piggy.

-Oh, Carol, here I am. Thank you.
-Oh, Miss Piggy, dear.

You wear diamonds so well, doesn't she?
And you sang the song just beautifully.

Oh, thank you, but to tell you the truth,
I have a confession.

-The diamonds are not mine. Um...
-They're not?

Yes, they're rented.
We have to return them in the morning.

-Oh.
-That's true. Mm-hm.

Kermit, couldn't she just keep
one little diamond?

-Well, uh...
-Oh, please, Kermie!

Please, please, please!

It would make such a nice present for her.

Oh, well, uh, okay, I guess.

Ah. Thank you, Kermie.

Um...

I choose this one.

-Kermit, how nice.
-Hm?

She chose an engagement ring.

-What?
-Congratulations.

That's not an engagement.

This has gone far enough,
ladies and gentlemen. We're just kidding.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

-You're all invited to the wedding.
-It's not an engagement ring.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

-With friends like these...
-Who needs emeralds?