05x02 - Loretta Swit

[bunniefuu]

[SNEEZES]

[DOOR OPENS]

Ah. Who are you?

Well, I'm tonight's guest star,
Roger Moore.

That's funny, I could have swore you were
that James Bond fella from the movies.

Him. You mustn't believe everything
you see in the movies.

All that secret agent spy stuff
is only make-believe.

Okay, young fella, if you say so.

Hello, this is Agent Pops to control.
Do you read me?

MAN:
Go ahead, Agent Pops.

Yeah, 007 just passed checkpoint Able,
headed your way--

All right, who are you working for?

The frog! The frog!

Oh. That's funny. So am I.

It's The Muppet Show, with our
very special guest star, Roger Moore!

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

And it's going to be
a wonderful show tonight,

because our special guest is James Bond,
secret agent 007,

known secretly to his millions of fans
as movie star Roger Moore!

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Yes! But first, meet the Vikings,

those cruel, heartless
Scandinavian marauders,

whose savage brutality
earned them the reputation:

"Worst Human Beings in History."

[CHEF SHOUTING GIBBERISH]

Uh, I'm sorry about that.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, the Vikings.

Those gentle, quaint,
fun-loving old charmers.

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[PLAYING FANFARE]

[ALL SHOUTING]

♪ We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit ♪

♪ We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit ♪

♪ Where can you find pleasure
Search the world for treasure ♪

-♪ Learn science technology ♪
-♪ Where? ♪

♪ Where can you begin to make
Your dreams all come true ♪

-♪ On the land or on the sea ♪
-♪ Where? ♪

♪ Where can you learn to fly
Play in sports or skin-dive ♪

-♪ Study oceanography? ♪
-♪ Where? ♪

♪ Sign up for the big band
Or sit in the grandstand ♪

-♪ When your team and others meet ♪
-♪ Where? ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Yes, you can sail the seven seas ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Yes, you can put your mind at ease ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Come on now, people, make a stand ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Can't you see we need a hand? ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Come on, protect the motherland ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Come on and join your fellow man ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Come on now, people, make a stand ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit ♪

♪ We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Yes, you can sail the seven seas ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Yes, you can put your mind at ease ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Come on now, people, make a stand ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Can't you see we need a hand? ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Come on, protect the motherland ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Come on and join your fellow man ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Come on, now, people take a stand ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ We got you, we got you
We got you as a new recruit ♪

♪ We got you, we got you
We got you as a new recruit ♪

♪ We got you, we got you
We got you as a new recruit ♪

♪ We got you, we got you
We got you as a new recruit ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Tell me, Statler, did you ever have
any Naval experience?

Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.

Really? How?

I gave him mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!

Okay, Roger Moore's number is next.
On-stage, Roger and Miss Piggy.

Way to go, Vikings. Nicely pillaged.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Mm. Tell that to the Chef!

Hey, Kermit, you want us
to put these pies on-stage?

Uh, no. Why?

Don't you remember?
When I asked you what we were gonna do

for that big James Bond number
with Roger Moore, you said:

"Use pies."

No, no, no. Not "pies." I said "spies."

Oh. How embarrassing.

Oh, yes, never mind, listen,
I gotta introduce Roger's first number.

Just get rid of those pies.

-You mean throw them away?
-Yeah.

Okay.

Wha--? Oh! Watch out!

Uh, excuse the pie, folks.
It's all part of the show. Ahem.

Um... And now a man
who needs no introduction...

So, what am I doing out here?

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
Roger Moore! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Come sit, Roger.

Ah. Roger, I'm so glad
you asked me up here.

Well, actually, I didn't ask you.

Oh. Well, Roger, mon amour,
you know we are meant to be.

Vous et moi.

Vous et moi? Nous?

-Who?
-"We."

Oh, oui, oui, oui, oui.

What are you trying to say, Miss Piggy?

[SIGHS]

♪ I'd love to get you, Roger ♪

♪ On a slow boat to China ♪

♪ All to myself ♪

♪ Alone ♪

I can't believe it. She's singing to me.

♪ I'll get you and keep you ♪

♪ In my arms evermore ♪

Look, look, Piggy, I must be honest.
I have a date.

♪ Leave all your ladies ♪

♪ Weeping on the faraway shore ♪

Yes, but what about Kermit?
He's your true love.

♪ Out on the briny ♪

Oh, Roger.

♪ With the moon big and shiny ♪

But I'm not green. I don't have flippers.

♪ Melting your heart of stone ♪

Just look, my eyes don't bulge,
I don't eat flies. I'm not your type.

♪ I'd like to take you ♪

♪ On a slow boat to China ♪

Piggy, you are wrinkling the lapels.

♪ All to myself ♪

♪ Alone ♪

Now, please, you really must stop.

Oh, Roger, I know what you're thinking.

I doubt that.

Yes, you're thinking that you are a man
and I am a pig.

Why would I think that?

Oh, Roger. Silly, dear, dear Roger,
it can work.

Roger, we can make it work! Yes!

-But I don't want to make it work.
-Ah!

♪ I'd love to get you ♪

♪ On a slow boat to China ♪

Not even a Concorde.

♪ All to myself ♪

♪ Alone ♪

Piggy, my date will be here any second.

Oh, Roger.

♪ All to myself ♪

♪ Alone ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Roger! Oh, Roger!

Please, Miss Piggy!

Piggy! You'll ruin your makeup!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Roger, I'm here!

-Annie Sue, how lovely you look.
-Oh!

This is your date?

Yes, we're going to the opening of Hamlet.

Put off the lights, will you?

Hi-yah!

Quite a touching scene. 007 and 700.

-700?
-Mm-hm.

Is that Miss Piggy's code name?

No, it's her weight!

Her weight!

Okay, nice number, nice number.

-Thank you, Annie Sue.
-Thank you!

-Roger, you were great.
-Oh, thank you, Kermit.

By the way, do you use pies on the show?

Spies?

No, pies.

Uh, well, maybe down in the canteen.

On-stage.

I don't think so. Why?

I just trod in one.

Gee. He's so suave, I never would
have noticed unless he mentioned it.

Okay, Lew Zealand, you're on.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, here I am, Lew Zealand
and my fabulous singing fish!

[LAUGHS]

With our rendition
of "You Light Up My Life."

Maestro, please.

[BAND PLAYING SLOW MUSIC]

[FISH GURGLING MUSICALLY]

[SHOUTING]

[GRUNTING]

Listen, fish freak, we are trying
to put on a classy show here.

You can't treat me like that!
I'll sic my pet barracuda on you!

Get her, Fred!

Aah! Get that smelly thing away from me!

Okay, Vet's Hospital on in three minutes!

Kamikaze att*ck! Banzai!

Oh. Ha, ha.

Roger, how was Hamlet?

Oh, it was canceled.
We saw Pygmalion instead.

[PIGGY GRUMBLES]

Good riddance, suet snout!

Kermit, is it always like this
on the show?

Uh, wow do you mean?

Well, all this craziness.

Well, this is a rather quiet show for us.
No unforeseen disasters so far.

JANICE:
Hurry up, guys!

All right, all right. I just hit the frog.

PIGGY:
Watch out!

[KERMIT YELLS]

Unforeseen disasters?

Uh, well, that's a disaster
we knew about all along.

NARRATOR:
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.

The continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

Well, Nurse Piggy,
ready to save another life?

-Yes, Dr. Bob.
-Good.

Send the patient to another hospital.

Dr. Bob, this is a special patient.
Can't you tell by looking at him?

Yes, he looks like
a very unlucky bullfighter.

-Gored right through the gourd.
-Oh!

Down, boy!

-Dr. Bob.
-Hm?

That is a helmet and he is a Viking.

I know all about them.
They come from Denmark.

One of my ancestors was a Viking.

Oh, this isn't going to be
a Great Dane joke, is it?

Well, it's a Dane joke,
but I wouldn't call it great.

Dr. Bob, no more jokes
just because he's Danish.

Well, don't blame me.
I ordered a roll, not a Danish.

Oh, brother.

Gotta keep them coming fast and furious.

Why not try fast and funny?

Just hurry it up, will you?

I gotta get back
to my plundering and pillaging.

Down, boy! Listen, my ancestor the Viking
was terrible at plundering and pillaging.

-He was?
-Yes.

He blundered his plundering
and he was stupid with his pillaging.

ALL:
How stupid was he?

They called him the pillage idiot.

NARRATOR: And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in again next week,
when you'll hear Dr. Bob say:

Good night, and may the good Lord
take a Viking to you.

"Viking to you"!

[PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

NARRATOR:
And now...

Ridding the world of evil,
here comes Bear on Patrol!

Oh.

Oh, great, you found my Frisbee!

It is not a Frisbee. It is my toupee.

Good thing I ordered a new one.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh. That must be the visiting
toupee representative,

and you know what that means.

Yes. The wig man!

This could be your lucky day!

Well, I certainly hope so.

Oh, let's see.

These are the very latest.

It is not a wig.

It is not a wig.

It would look dumb,
and they would slide off my head.

No, these will never slide off.

Whoa! Wait! Sir? Sir, you're-- Oh!

Sir, sir, sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!

Yeah! Get the picture?

Yes. You are a handcuff salesman.

I don't think we need
any handcuffs today, sir.

See, he loses the key.

-Oh!
-Here, you try them.

What are you doing? I don't like this.
Wait a min-- Oh!

Whoa! Sir! Whoa! Whoa!

Yeah. They're good, all right.

I don't know, there's something
about them I don't like.

Well, they do have some drawbacks.

How do you get them off?

That's one of the biggest.

[BOTH SHOUT]

Wait! Hold it!
You can't leave us like this!

You're right. Here's 50 cents.

What's that for?

Get yourself a decent Frisbee.

Hello, Secret Service?

Uh, this is Kermit the Frog,
speaking from the Muppet Theater.

Uh, listen, I need to hire
a bunch of spies for a closing number.

Mm-hm. How fast can you get here?

[SHOUTS THEN STAMMERS]

Uh, that was pretty fast.

All right, who gave you
the Secret Service phone number?

Uh, no one. It's in the yellow pages.

-It is?
-Mm-hm.

Listen, all I wanted was some
real-life spies for a closing number.

It's a big spy spectacular
featuring 007, James Bond.

James Bond?

Don't worry.

We'll fix him.

What?

Yeah, you won't be bothered by him again.

Yeah. At last, a chance to get James Bond!

Hey, guys?

ROGER:
Kermit?

Excuse me, everything ready
for the closing number?

It's all fixed up. It's going
to be absolutely and totally--

Oh, it'll be cute, don't worry.

Cute was the only thing
I hadn't worried about.

But, Kermit, I'm going to sing
"Talk to the Animals,"

surrounded by oodles
of cute, fluffy little creatures.

You'll be surprised.

I'll be surprised?

I already am.

Cute fluffy animals, huh?

Good thing we're masters
of instant disguise!

Good thing you're what?

Cute fluffy animals!

What the hey?

[MUPPET SPORTS THEME PLAYS]

This is Louis Kazagger from
the Woodland Hills, Nevada, Salt Flats,

where we are now
in the fifth week of the annual

Dwight D. Eisenhower Memorial
Cross-Country Billiards Tournament.

Here at the far turn,

it appears that top-seated
Rodney Rugg is in the lead.

[PANTING]

However, eager young Swedish hopeful
Boo Mortmorkson

is pulling up fast
with only three and a half miles to go.

Wait a minute!

What a game, folks!

Boo has overshot the course
and landed in a trap!

A moose trap, that is.

I'm not a moose. I'm a deer!

[SHOUTING]

And that's all for now from Muppet Sports.

Here is a Muppet News Flash.

An international spy ring is trying
to sneak ridiculous stories into the news.

Fortunately, with the tight security in
the Muppet Newsroom, it can't happen here.

In other news,
a black-and-yellow striped mackerel

was elected king this morning and--

-Guard?
-Yes?

Where have you been?

Oh, I've been showing His Majesty
around the newsroom.

Holy mackerel!

No, "Your Highness" will do.

Would you like to be knighted?

Of course.

Okay. Good night!

[CHATTERING]

Don't take that. I don't think Kermit...
No, no, please don't touch.

The next musical number
is where we get Bond.

Just go down there,

mingle with the other animals,
and act cute and cuddly.

Cute and cuddly.

Let go! Let go! Let go!

Uh, Scooter, listen,
I gotta go introduce the finale.

Now, some of these animals are spies.
You gotta get rid of the spies.

But how?

Tell them there are no spies
in the closing number.

You just say, "Spies, go home."

-Uh...
-Okay, mingle.

There are no spies in the closing number!

Spies, go home!

Uh, Kermit, nobody's going home!

Uh, well, folks, we were going to do
a big James Bond closing number,

with spies and counterspies
and action and mayhem,

but we're not going to do that!

Please!

Uh... uh, so, here he is,

that gentle, fun-loving charmer,
Roger Moore.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ If I could talk to the animals ♪

♪ Just imagine it ♪

♪ Talking to a chimp in chimpanzee ♪

Hi, Rog.

♪ Imagine talking to a tiger ♪

♪ Rapping with a rabbit ♪

♪ What a happy habit that would be ♪

♪ If I could talk to the animals ♪

♪ Learn our languages ♪

♪ Maybe take an animal degree ♪

♪ I'd study elephant and eagle ♪

♪ Buffalo and beagle ♪

♪ Alligator, guinea pig and flea ♪

Scratch the flea.

♪ I'd learn to parlez vous
Avec my poodle ♪

♪ With my gnu ♪

♪ Your gnoodle would expand ♪

♪ And if they asked me
"Can you handle Afghan?" ♪

-♪ You'd say: ♪
-♪ I half can ♪

♪ And you'd get a hand ♪

♪ If I conferred with my furry friends ♪

♪ Man to animal ♪

♪ There would be no animosity ♪

♪ If I could walk with the animals ♪

♪ Talk with the animals ♪

♪ Grunt and squeak and squawk
With the animals ♪

♪ And they could talk to me ♪

Uh, excuse me, Roger,
but aren't you also 007, James Bond?

Well, sometimes.

-Oh, I hope this is one of those times.
-Why?

Because those new guys over there
are spies!

Not spies, pies. I trod in one earlier.

-Candygram.
-Aah!

♪ I'll have a talk to the animals
Trade a thought or two ♪

♪ In language I think they'll comprehend ♪

♪ And to the music of Scarlatti
Some judo and karate ♪

♪ I'll prove I'm strong enough
To make them bend ♪

♪ Communication is what we need ♪

♪ Then they'll understand
Things can always end up peacefully ♪

♪ When I've explained to the animals
Brained all the animals ♪

♪ Fought and taught and trained
All the animals ♪

♪ They won't talk back to me ♪

♪ Now that you've talked to the animals ♪

♪ Who needs other tongues? ♪

♪ I can speak your language fluently ♪

♪ Now I can walk with the animals ♪

♪ Talk to the animals ♪

♪ Grunt and squeak and squawk
With the animals ♪

♪ And they can talk to me ♪

Are we going to talk?
I can understand every word you're saying.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And as we explode gently into the West,

we hope you got as big a bang
out of tonight's show as we did.

Uh, but before we go,

let us say thank you to a very courageous
and brave and foolhardy guest,

ladies and gentlemen, Roger Moore! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, Kermit.

I've had a wonderful time,
and I have certainly learnt my lesson.

Uh, well, what lesson is that?

Well, from now on,

I am through
with cute, cuddly little animals.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Thanks to this show,

I shall stick to the sick, weird,
disgusting animals that I can trust.

Well, that's all for now!

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Well, I guess I'll go talk to the animals.

What animals?

The wife and kids!