05x03 - Joan Baez

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR OPENS]

-Hi.
-Oh, who are you?

I'm Shirley Bassey,
I'm doing the show tonight.

-Oh, right, you're doing the show tonight.
-Mm-hm.

Great. You can brush my rat.

What? I have to brush your rat?

Everybody pitches in around here.

Oh, good. Then you can comb my crocodile.

[YELLS]

They warned me about this show,
so I came prepared.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Shirley Bassey. Yeah!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

-♪ To have to watch this show ♪
-♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[ROOSTER CROWS]

Camilla, your uncle's calling.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you. Hi-ho,
and welcome to The Muppet Show.

It's going to be a wonderful show tonight,
because our guest star

is one of the world's great singers,
Miss Shirley Bassey.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Yes. But first,
how would you like to boogie?

Well, then, get thee to a barnyard!

[PLAYING LIVELY BLUES MUSIC]

♪ Oink, oink ♪

♪ Moo, moo ♪

-♪ Oink, oink ♪
-♪ Moo ♪

-♪ Oink, oink ♪
-♪ Moo, moo ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

-♪ Quack, quack, quack ♪
-♪ Peep, peep ♪

-♪ Said the chick in the barnyard pen ♪
-♪ Quack, quack ♪

-♪ Said the duck, "Won't you let me in?" ♪
-♪ Cluck, cluck, cluck ♪

♪ Said the little white hen ♪

♪ Let's boogie in the barnyard ♪

-♪ Baa, baa ♪
-♪ Said the sheep, "Promenade off home" ♪

-♪ Moo, moo ♪
-♪ Said the cow, "Let the butter roll" ♪

-♪ Cluck, cluck, cluck ♪
-♪ Said the little white hens ♪

♪ Let's boogie in the barnyard ♪

♪ Well, the barnyard was jumpin' ♪

♪ Everybody having their fling ♪

♪ Even Old MacDonald
Had to do a little corny swing ♪

-♪ Bow wow ♪
-♪ Said the dog in the circus top ♪

-♪ Meow ♪
-♪ Said the cat "Now, please don't stop" ♪

-♪ Cluck, cluck, cluck ♪
-♪ Said the little white hen ♪

♪ Let's boogie in the barnyard ♪

Take it.

♪ Boogie, boogie, boogie ♪

♪ Yes, even Uncle Ezra
Got caught with a dozen eggs ♪

That's right.

♪ I saw Aunt Suzy chase the chicken
With the bandy legs, mm-hm ♪

♪ Bow wow ♪

♪ Bow wow ♪

♪ Meow ♪

♪ Meow ♪

♪ Cluck, cluck, cluck ♪

♪ Said the little white hen
Let's boogie in the barnyard ♪

-♪ Peep, peep ♪
-♪ Quack, quack ♪

-♪ Cluck, cluck ♪
-♪ Moo, moo ♪

♪ Meow, bow wow ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Boogie! Boogie! Boogie! Boogie!

-♪ Boo, boo! ♪
-♪ Say the men in the theater box ♪

-♪ Don't boogie in the barnyard ♪
-♪ Don't boogie in the barnyard ♪

Very good, barnyard animals.
Nicely mooed, oinked, and clucked.

What about me?

Okay. "Baa'd."

I thought it was good.

-Out, out, out!
-Oh.

I hate sheep sh*ts.

Okay, on-stage, Dancing Sacks.
Dancing Sacks, on-stage, please.

Hey, chief, you know in Shirley Bassey's
closing number, "Goldfinger"

-how you wanted the set painted gold?
-Right.

-We don't have any gold paint.
-What?

Best we can do is kind of a rust color.

Scooter,
she's not going to sing "Rustfinger."

Haven't you got something closer to gold?

What if we bring in some ice
and she sings "Coldfinger"?

-Will you go out and get some paint now?
-Yes, boss.

-[AUDIENCE BOOING]
-Kermit, those sacks are really boring.

-Oh, well, sack the sacks.
-Yes, sir.

On-stage, Shirley Bassey.
Shirley Bassey, on-stage, please.

It's all your fault.
You've got no sense of rhythm.

Ah, shut up, you old bag!

Okay, in sharp contrast to that last act,
what could be more different

than the dramatic sophistication
of our lovely talented guest star?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the dynamic Miss Shirley Bassey! Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ Don't believe my eyes ♪

♪ They're the coldest eyes ♪

♪ But they're not so cold ♪

♪ Let me put you wise ♪

♪ Keeping the temperature so low ♪

♪ This is a work of art ♪

♪ For there's a fire down below ♪

♪ Down below in my heart ♪

♪ And my crazy lips ♪

♪ They're such lazy lips ♪

♪ But they'll come to life ♪

♪ Should we come to grips ♪

♪ If you have anything in mind ♪

♪ Warn you before you start ♪

♪ There is a fire down below ♪

♪ Down below in my heart ♪

♪ Now that you're getting my number ♪

♪ Know what I'm talking about ♪

♪ Pile on the coal and the lumber ♪

♪ Don't let the fire go out ♪

♪ Call out the volunteer brigade ♪

♪ Haul out the fire cart ♪

♪ For there's a fire down below ♪

♪ Down below, down below ♪

♪ Down below in my heart ♪

♪ Down below in my heart ♪

♪ Down below in my heart ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-"Fire Down Below." Great number.
-Thanks.

Thanks?
You didn't write "Fire Down Below."

No, but the guy who did
had just had a bowl of my chili.

Okay, nice number.
Those fake gold bars looked very good.

-Hey, Kermit. I got some news.
-Hm? You got the gold paint?

We don't need the paint.

-Why not?
-Oh, you'll see, come here.

Hey, Bruno? Bruno.

[GASPS]

Bruno, this is Kermit.

It's a frog!
You didn't say nothing about no frog.

Oh, he's okay.

You see, I saw Bruno across the street
parked in an armored van.

He's loaning us the gold
for Shirley Bassey's number.

-Oh, that's very nice of you.
-Yeah, he's a big fan.

-Yeah, I love her.
-Uh-huh.

That's real gold?

Yeah, you bet, mac.
Fifty million bucks' worth.

Wow, I've never even touched
real gold before.

-Ah!
-Aah!

Nobody touches this gold except me.

[STAMMERING]

Uh, yes, sir.

I still don't trust the frog.

Something about the eyes.

Well, he's okay, Bruno, honest.

Yeah? Do you know
what 50 million bucks means to a frog?

Anyway, if one of these gold bars is mi--

Okay, up against the desk there.
Spread them out.

-What did you do with it?
-But, Bruno,

it couldn't have been him.
He was right here.

Yeah? You know how fast these frogs are?

You ever seen one catch a fly?

Ooh. Ooh.

Oh. Ahem.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs
where the future is being made today.

For centuries, alchemists have labored
in vain, trying to turn lead into gold.

Ooh-hoo!

That would be so snazzy.

Now, this machine
cannot turn lead into gold,

but it can do the next best thing.

It can turn gold into cottage cheese.

Now, here's my assistant, Beaker,
with a nice shiny bright bar of gold.

Let's put it in the machine, Beaker.

[BEAKER GRUNTS]

That's good.

Now we turn the machine on.

[WHIRRING]

Ha.

All right, wise guy, why'd you do it?
Come on, I know you took it!

Come on, you tell me where it is!

[BEAKER SCREAMING]

So the experiment is complete.

-What did he do with the gold?
-Why, he put it right in the machine here.

This is cottage cheese!

Low in cholesterol, high in vitamins.

[YELLING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

-Oh, excuse me, Miss Bassey.
-Yes?

-Here's that cottage cheese you ordered.
-Oh, thank you, Scooter.

I do like a light snack
in between numbers.

Yeah.

-Are you sure this is fresh?
-Well, yeah. Why do you ask?

You call this a light snack?

-Well...
-[CLANGS]

No.

[PLAYING MUTED TRUMPET]

[PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

[CRASHING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I tell you, Shirley,
it makes me feel weird.

It's sitting right there
next to Kermit's desk.

Fifty million dollars' worth of gold.

Just try to ignore it, Fozzie.
It's only money.

But, Shirley, 50 million dollars?

Do you know how many jokes that would buy?

Your kind of jokes?

Quite a few.

No, no, really.
I have an expensive gag writer.

Gags Beasley, he charges 50 cents a laugh.

-Does he?
-Yeah. A dollar--

-A dollar for a Boffo belly-grabber.
-"Boffo belly-grabber"?

Wait, if you divide a Boffo belly-grabber
into 50 million dollars--

-Do you know how many laughs I could--?
-Fozzie, Fozzie.

There are many more things in life.

-Let me tell you a little story, okay?
-Okay.

♪ A long time ago ♪

♪ A million years B.C. ♪

♪The best things in life ♪

♪ Were absolutely free ♪

♪ But no one appreciated ♪

♪ A sky that was always blue ♪

♪ And no one congratulated ♪

♪ A moon that was always new ♪

♪ So it was planned ♪

♪ That they would vanish now and then ♪

♪ And you must pay ♪

♪ Before you get them back again ♪

♪ That's what storms were made for ♪

♪ And you shouldn't be afraid for ♪

♪ Every time it rains, it rains ♪

♪ Pennies from heaven ♪

♪ Don't you know each cloud contains ♪

♪ Pennies from heaven ♪

♪ You'll find your fortune falling ♪

♪ All over town ♪

♪ Be sure that your umbrella ♪

♪ Is upside down ♪

♪ Trade them for a package of ♪

♪ Sunshine and showers ♪

Wait, wait, wait.

♪ If you want the things you love ♪

♪ You must have showers ♪

Wait, wait, wait.

♪ So when you hear it thunder ♪

♪ Don't run under a tree ♪

Wait, wait, wait.

♪ There'll be pennies ♪

♪ From heaven ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ And me ♪

Now go for it!

Yes! Yes, yes!

Hey! It's mine. Wait, Rizzo.

It's mine. Give me-- Come on, come on.

Here is a Muppet News Flash.

Tight security surrounds The Muppet Show

with the theater holding
over $50 million in gold bullion.

Trained guards watch the precious metal
round the clock

and dire consequences will befall anyone
who so much as lays a finger on it.

Like so.

[YELLING]

Doctor!

They're gonna be all right.
But stay with them.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
The Great Gonzo conducts "Liebestraum"

while dueling a giant crab.

Oh, boy.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you. Thank you, culture fans.

And now, classical music meets seafood.

[PLAYING SLOW CLASSICAL MUSIC]

Now! En garde!

Somebody get the Guinness Book of Records
on the phone.

[YELLS]

Back, you little crustacean!

En garde!

Oh, no!

Not you too!

[GONZO YELLS]

Wait, this is too violent
for a family show.

It's only a flesh wound.

Okay. That was tough luck, Gonzo.

Oh, tough luck?

Au contraire, mon ami.

Spanish.

You have just witnessed the birth
of a great new show business partnership.

Gonzo and Buster.

Buster? The crab's name is--?
Of course it is.

I just don't understand.

What? Uh, Gonzo?

No. Shirley Bassey.

What's she doing on a show like this?

Right now, she's gonna sing,
so why don't you get that gold on-stage?

-Okay.
-Come on, on-stage.

Hey. Where do you think you're going?

Well, I was going to introduce Shirley.

-Well, go on then.
-Yes, sir.

Keep an eye on that frog.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
we've had a few artists on The Muppet Show

who have solid gold records,
and Shirley Bassey is no exception.

But she is the only guest we've ever had
with a solid gold set.

Yes, no expense spared.

So please welcome the inestimable,
the priceless Miss Shirley Bassey! Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING "GOLDFINGER"]

♪ Goldfinger ♪

♪ He's the man ♪

♪ The man with the Midas touch ♪

♪ A spider's touch ♪

♪ Such a cold finger ♪

♪ Beckons you to enter his web of sin ♪

♪ But don't go in ♪

♪ Golden words he will pour in your ear ♪

♪ But his lies can't disguise
What you fear ♪

♪ For a golden girl ♪

♪ Knows when he's kissed her ♪

♪ It's the kiss of death ♪

♪ From Mister Goldfinger ♪

♪ Pretty girl
Beware of his heart of gold ♪

♪ His heart is cold ♪

♪ Golden words he will pour in your ear ♪

♪ But his lies can't disguise
What you fear ♪

♪ For a golden girl ♪

♪ Knows when he's kissed her ♪

♪ It's the kiss of death ♪

♪ From Mister Goldfinger ♪

♪ Pretty girl
Beware of his heart of gold ♪

♪ This heart is cold ♪

♪ He loves only gold ♪

♪ Only gold ♪

♪ He loves gold ♪

♪ He loves only gold ♪

♪ Only gold ♪

♪ He loves ♪

♪ Gold ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, it looks like we've mined
all the gold we can from this show.

But before we head for the claims office,
let's bring back our wonderful guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen, Shirley Bassey. Yay!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Thank you, Kermit. I loved the show.

It was lots of fun and full of surprises.

-Surprises?
-Mm-hm.

[KERMIT GASPS]

Bruno, you apologize this minute!

Okay, okay. I'm sorry I accused you.
It was Shirley Bassey all the time.

-It was Kermit who staged the--
-The frog! I knew it was the frog.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

I bought gold back when it was cheap.

Really? Where is it now?

Aah.