05x05 - James Coburn

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR OPENS]

Huh? Somebody there?

Say, who are you?

I'm a... I'm a messenger, I am.

Tony Randall sent me to say
he can't be your guest star.

He's come down with a rare disease.

What? Stop that.

I recognize you. You're Tony Randall.

Rats.

Oh, come on, now, youngster.
Take your medicine like a man.

You're right.

I can take it.

I'm gonna go up those stairs
and do this crummy show.

MUPPET 1: Oh! Yeah.
MUPPET 2: Hi, Tony Randall! Yeah!

[MUPPETS CLAMORING]

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Tony Randall.

[CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[WATER BURBLING]

[LAUGHS]

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

It's going to be a great show

because our guest star is the charming
and debonair Mr. Tony Randall.

Yes! But first, come with us
back to the days of the caveman,

where every woman wore furs,
every man had a private club,

and backyard barbecues were truly mammoth.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

PARENTS:
♪ Take out the papers and the trash ♪

♪ Or you don't get no spending cash ♪

♪ If you don't scrub that kitchen floor ♪

♪ You ain't gonna rock 'n' roll no more ♪

-KIDS: ♪ Yakety yak ♪
-♪ Don't talk back ♪

BOTH:
♪ Just finish cleaning up your room ♪

♪ Let's see that dust fly
With that broom ♪

♪ Get all that garbage out of sight ♪

Or you don't go out Friday night

-KIDS: ♪ Yakety yak ♪
-♪ Don't talk back ♪

BOTH:
♪ You just put on your coat and hat ♪

♪ And walk yourself to the Laundromat ♪

♪ And when you finish doing that ♪

♪ Bring in the dog and put out the cat ♪

-KIDS: ♪ Yakety yak ♪
-♪ Don't talk back ♪

KIDS:
♪ Yakety yak, yakety yak ♪

♪ Yakety yak, yakety yak ♪

♪ Yakety yak, yakety yak ♪

BOTH:
♪ Don't you give me no dirty looks ♪

♪ Your father's hip
He knows what cooks ♪

♪ Just tell your hoodlum friend outside ♪

♪ You ain't got time to take a ride ♪

-KIDS: ♪ Yakety yak ♪
-♪ Don't talk back ♪

KIDS:
♪ Yakety yak, yakety yak ♪

-♪ Yakety yak ♪
-PARENTS: ♪ Don't talk back ♪

I didn't know they had rock music
in those days.

Sure. Why do you think
they called it the "Stone Age"?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Excuse me, Anthony. Are vous busy?

Oh, never too busy
for the lovely Miss Piggy.

[GIGGLES]

I'm just reading this fascinating old book
of magic spells.

They've got some marvelous things in here.

Mm-hmm.

Here's one on how to make it rain.

-One on how to make dogs stop barking.
-Hmm.

They're really... Listen to this one.

[READING SPELL IN GIBBERISH]

You know what that's supposed to do?
Turn people into stone.

It doesn't do it to you, huh?
Turning people into stone?

Here's one that turns people into frogs.
What would you think of that?

A world full of Kermits.
You'd be out of your mind.

[CHUCKLING]

[PIGGY GRUNTING IN MUFFLED VOICE]

Oh, I get it.

Turned to stone, huh?

[LAUGHS]

[PIGGY CONTINUES GRUNTING]

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

[PIGGY SCREAMING IN MUFFLED VOICE]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

KERMIT:
Uh, can I come in?

Uh, um...

Just a minute, Kermit. Just a second.

Just let me, uh... Be right with you.

[PIGGY GRUNTS THEN SCREAMS]

Don't move. Don't move.

Come in.

Miss Piggy's on next.
She's not in here, is she?

I don't see her.

Why don't you put somebody else on next?

-Put somebody else on?
-Yeah.

I don't think Miss Piggy
would stand still for that.

Oh, I think she might.

Okay, I'll just postpone Pigs in Space
till later on.

[PIGGY GRUNTING]

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Just wait. Just wait.
We'll find something. Just a minute.

[PLAYING ELEGANT CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[GRUNTS]

[CLANKING]

Kermit, I couldn't find Piggy.
I looked everywhere.

That's funny,
I was sure she'd be in her dressing room.

Except her dressing room.

[KERMIT SIGHS]

Kermit? What do you want me to do
with these guys?

-Take them outside.
-Then what?

Lock the door.

Come on.

[PIGGY GRUNTING IN MUFFLED VOICE]

Shh, shh, shh.
You're going to be all right.

I'm going to sneak you out
and put you in the trunk of my car.

[PIGGY GRUNTING]

It's gotta be the trunk.

If I put you in the front,
you'll scratch the upholstery.

Now, we're gonna take you to a doctor.

Or maybe a stonemason.

-Mm, mm!
-Shh, shh, shh.

We don't want Kermit to know.

-Uh, know what?
-Ah!

-Hi, Kermit.
-Hi.

Kermit, something terrible has happened.

Huh?

Do you know what this is?

A statue of Piggy?

Yes. It's a statue of Piggy.

Oh, what's terrible about that?
It's very lifelike.

Why, I can just feel those fleshy jowls.

-Kermit.
-Hmm?

It's not a statue.

This is Miss Piggy.

[GASPS]

What? Piggy, is that you?

[PIGGY WHIMPERING]

She was turned to stone by a magic spell.

But that-- But she's a star.
She's a friend. This is terrible.

I know. I feel awful.

I know how important Miss Piggy is
to you and the show.

I'd do anything to help. Anything.

Oh, well,
just go get ready for your number.

-Thank you, Kermit.
-PIGGY: Mmm!

Oh! Oh!

[STONE CLUNKING]

Did she break anything?

Yeah. Couple of floorboards.

NEWSMAN:
Here's a Muppet news flash.

Orchestra leader Zubin Bechmesser
was nearly electrocuted

at the Metropolitan Opera today

when he absent-mindedly inserted his baton
into an electrical outlet.

Uh, Mr. Bechmesser,

I understand, according to doctors,
you would have d*ed instantly

had you not been such a poor conductor.

[LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

I'm sorry! I take it back!

[FOZZIE GRUNTS]

FOZZIE: Don't worry, Miss Piggy.
Nothing is broken.

[FOZZIE GRUNTS THEN PANTS]

Boy, you sure are heavy.
You must weigh at least a ton.

Well, that's good.
That means she's lost weight.

[LAUGHING]

Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy.
I mean, she must be terrified.

Terrified? She's petrified.

Hey, great news, Miss Piggy.
You'll be back to normal in no time.

I just got this new book called
Sandblasting Without Pain.

-Hey, Gonzo.
-Yes?

Did you know that Miss Piggy
is very worried about Kermit?

Worried about Kermit? Why?

Well, she's afraid
he'll take her for granite.

Oh, okay, guys,
enough with these cheap sh*ts.

Aw, come on. I got another page to go yet.

Floyd, how can you be so cruel
to a fellow performer?

Someone you've known
and worked with for years?

Now, just take a look at her.
She's suffered enough.

Have pity upon her.

[PIGGY WHIMPERS]

Oh, you're right.
But what do I do with these jokes?

Burn them.

You heard what the frog said.

[MATCH SCRATCHES & PIGGY SCREAMS]

[LAUGHING]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MARCH]

♪ Down at Barney's fair
One evening I was there ♪

♪ When I heard a showman
Shouting underneath a flare ♪

♪ Oh, I've got a lovely bunch
Of coconuts ♪

♪ There they are all standing in a row ♪

♪ Two, three, four ♪

♪ Big ones, small ones
Some as big as your head ♪

♪ Give 'em a twist
A flick of the wrist ♪

♪ That's what the showman said ♪

♪ Oi! I've got a lovely bunch
Of coconuts ♪

♪ Every ball you throw
Will make me rich ♪

Me too, love.

♪ And there stands me wife
The idol of me life, singing ♪

♪ Roll up, bowl a ball
A penny a pitch ♪

BOTH: ♪ Singing roll up, bowl a ball
A penny a pitch ♪

♪ Singing roll up, bowl a ball
A penny a pitch ♪

♪ Roll up, bowl a ball
Roll up, bowl a ball ♪

♪ Roll up, bowl a ball
A penny a pitch ♪

COCONUTS:
♪ Oh, we are a lovely bunch of coconuts ♪

♪ Here we are all standing in a row ♪

♪ Two, three, four ♪

COCONUTS: ♪ Big ones, small ones
Some as big as your head ♪

♪ Give 'em a twist
A flick of the wrist ♪

Come on. Stop throwing them.

COCONUTS:
♪ Oh, we are a lovely bunch of coconuts ♪

♪ Every ball you throw
Will make 'em rich ♪

That's right, love.

♪ And there stands me wife
She's the idol of me life, singing ♪

♪ Roll up, bowl a ball
A penny a pitch ♪

BOTH: ♪ Singing roll up, bowl a ball
A penny a pitch ♪

ALL: ♪ Singing roll up, bowl a ball
A penny a pitch ♪

♪ Roll up, bowl a ball
Roll up, bowl a ball ♪

Yes, sir.

COCONUTS:
Mama! Mama! Mama!

ALL: ♪ Singing roll up, bowl a ball
A penny a pitch ♪

[CRASHING]

[READING SPELL IN GIBBERISH]

Ah.

[READING SPELL IN GIBBERISH]

Ugh. Still nothing, Tony.

I've read practically everything
in the book.

Something's gotta turn her back.

Keep reading.

[TONY READING SPELL IN GIBBERISH]

So far nothing's happened.

[SIGHING]

Was it something I said?

[PLAYING UPBEAT DISCO MUSIC]

♪ She comes on like a rose ♪

♪ But everybody knows ♪

♪ She'll get you in Dutch ♪

♪ You can look
But you better not touch ♪

♪ Poison Ivy ♪

♪ Poison Ivy ♪

♪ Late at night while you're sleepin'
Poison Ivy comes a-creepin' around ♪

[IN MUFFLED VOICE]
Help! Help!

That was a very rash song.

Well, what do you expect?
He started from scratch.

NARRATOR:
And now

[ECHOING]
Pigs in Space.

As we join our heroes,
it's been a quiet day

aboard the Swinetrek.

Well, it's been a quiet day
aboard the Swinetrek.

I can't remember a more relaxed,
peaceful time.

Mmm.

It's the kind of day
that just makes you feel good to be a pig.

Do you suppose it's because
First Mate Piggy's turned to stone?

It couldn't hurt.

I wonder how it happened.

Well, in olden times,

they had magic spells
for that kind of stuff.

-Mm-hmm.
-But nowadays, well,

she was probably playing
with the Petrificatratron.

The who?

Well, it's one of the Swinetrek's
defense systems.

It can turn people into stone
and then turn them back again.

Oh. I had forgotten.

Look here. Yeah.

You set the little dial here
and then you throw this lever.

-This lever here?
-Yeah.

Well, at last!

Ahhh.

All right, where's Randall?

I hold him personally responsible
for this.

Him and the frog.
The frog brought Randall here.

They're both to blame.

Oh, and as for you two twits,
I am gonna tear you in half!

I'm gonna rip off your epaulets!

I'm gonna take your ears
and I'm gonna braid them into bird nests!

I'm gonna take your nose!

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna--

Ahhh. It's been a nice quiet day here
aboard the Swinetrek.

Yes, it's the kind of day
that just makes you feel good to be a pig.

NARRATOR: Tune in next time,
when we ask the question:

"Why did you tune in this time
to Pigs in Space?"

Oh, without Miss Piggy, we had to carry
that whole sketch ourselves.

But be grateful
we didn't have to carry Miss Piggy.

[LAUGHING]

Beauregard, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm clearing the stage.
I'm gonna put this in the prop closet.

[PIGGY SCREAMING]

Beauregard, that's Miss Piggy.
Now, treat her well.

She's a star and a lady.

And a rock.

It doesn't matter.
Just put her down there.

-Okay.
-Kermit, do we have any statues?

That's a funny thing to ask tonight.

You see, Tony Randall's doing
this poetry reading and he needs a statue.

We don't have any,
unless you wanna count, uh, you-know-who.

[PIGGY GRUNTING]

I cannot do that to Piggy.
It's a terrible thing to suggest.

This is not a statue.

This is a warm and sensitive lady.
And a friend.

[PIGGY MURMURS]

Okay. We'll just cancel the final number.

-Scooter?
-Yeah, boss?

-Get this statue onstage.
-Check.

-PIGGY: Mmm!
-Come on, Piggy.

[PIGGY WHIMPERING]

If you have tears, prepare to shed them,

as our very special guest
brings us a literary recitation.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Randall.

"The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God."

Maestro, if you will, please.

[PIANIST PLAYING DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC]

There's a one-eyed yellow idol
To the north of Kathmandu,

There's a little marble cross
Below the town

There's a brokenhearted woman
Tends the grave of Mad Carew,

And the Yellow God forever gazes down.

He was known as "Mad Carew--"

-Uh, Mr. Randall. Mr. Randall?
-What?

Well, it's about the spell.

Can't you see
that I'm communing with my muse?

Oh, sorry.
I didn't know you were on the phone.

I found a spell
that'll turn a statue into a pig, though.

But I like her as a statue for now.

Oh. Well, just in case,
the word is "pigskin."

"Pigskin."

Who you calling "Pigskin," fish face?

-Hello.
-Uh-huh.

Glad to see you back. I, um...

I was just, um, ordering a football.

-Scooter, get me that pigskin, will you?
-Oh, check.

Sure. It's something I need
in my recitation here, with the...

Uh-huh, uh-huh. There's a football in
"The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God"?

It's poetic license.

Uh-huh.
You just had your poetic license revoked.

Hi--!

See?

So, uh, we're all set now, huh?
You understand? Good. Mmm.

I'm watching you closely, Randall.

Good. Why don't you run out
for a long one, huh?

Here we go.

[CRASHING]

Now we will resume, if we may, professor?

[PIANIST PLAYING DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC]

He was known as "Mad Carew"
By the chaps--

Aaah! Get away from me! Get away!

[PLAYERS CLAMORING]

By the chaps at Kathmandu,

He was wilder
Than they felt inclined to tell

But, for all his--

[PIGGY & PLAYERS SHOUTING]

But, for all his foolish pranks,
He was worshipped in the ranks,

And the Colonel's daughter smiled on him--

You're chasing each other wrong!

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

What do you say?

We're trying to do a show here.
How about a little cooperation?

Check. All right, hit it, boys.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MARCH]

PLAYERS: ♪ On, Wisconsin
On, Wisconsin ♪

♪ Plunge right through that line ♪

♪ Run that ball clear round Chicago ♪

♪ A touchdown's sure this time ♪

♪ Rah, rah, rah! ♪

♪ On, Wisconsin
On, Wisconsin ♪

♪ Fight on for her fame ♪

♪ Fight! Fellows, fight ♪

♪ And we will win this game ♪

An ugly Kn*fe lay buried
In the heart of Mad Carew...

Hi-yah!

'Twas "The Vengeance
Of the Little Yellow Pig."

I thank you.

We've just about come down
to the end of another one.

But before we go, let us say thank you
to a wonderful guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Randall!

Yay! Yeah!

Thank you very, very much, Kermit.
Real thrill being here with you.

You're a hero of mine.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

I wanted to apologize for accidentally
turning Miss Piggy into a stone like that.

I didn't mean to.

Oh, listen, don't mention it.
We all make mistakes.

-Incidentally, how did it happen?
-I don't know.

All I said was "Zark zark chumbo,
klong klong chumbo,"

and the next thing I...

Kermit?

-Aaah!
-What happened?

I don't know. All I said was--

That's all for tonight.
See you next time on The Muppet Show.

-I'm so sorry. Tune in next time.
-Kermit!

Find out: Will an ugly girl kiss Kermit
and turn him back?

Kermit?

Kermit?

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

I once knew a whole chorus line
that was turned to stone.

What chorus line was that?

The Rockettes.