05x12 - Melissa Manchester

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Muppet Show". Aired: September 5, 1976 - May 23, 1981.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Join Jim Henson's Muppets, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo on their variety show.
Post Reply

05x12 - Melissa Manchester

Post by bunniefuu »

Bill? Bill who?

Bill Collector? Never heard of him.

[SCOFFS]

Hi, good evening.

Hey, who are you?

I'm Hal Linden. I'm tonight's guest.

Hal Linden. Hey, aren't you a cop?

No, no. I... Well, I play a cop on TV.
Barney Miller.

Soon as you said the name,
hit me like a ton of bricks.

What name?

Barney Miller.

[YELPS]

Nice bit of visual comedy you got there.
Don't let it go to your head, huh?

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Hal Linden.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[BANANA SCREAMS THEN GIGGLES]

Hi there, and welcome to The Muppet Show.

So this is what it's like up here, huh?
Boy. Hi!

Ladies and gentlemen, Statler and Waldorf,

the two old gentlemen
who usually sit up here, have--

d*ed.

Fozzie, they have not.

[LAUGHS]

No. Statler and Waldorf
have been telling me for years

that they could put on a better show
than I could.

-Yeah.
-Tonight they're getting their chance.

That's right.

They are gonna be down there
hosting the show,

and we are gonna be up here watching them.

-Right.
-Ha, ha!

But before I turn the show over to them,
I'd just like to say

that our special guest tonight
is that very talented star of Broadway

and TV's Barney Miller, Mr. Hal Linden!

Oh. He's very good! Yeah!

Right. So without further ado,

here they are, your hosts for tonight,
Statler and Waldorf!

-Yay!
-Boo! Boo!

Oh, thank you for that introduction.
It was very--

Long.

Yes, that's the trouble with this show.
Everything moves too slow.

Excuse me, uh...

Hey, it's our guest star, Hal Linden.

[BOTH CHEERING]

I don't mean to bother you.
I'm looking for Kermit?

Yes, you see,
we're hosting the show tonight.

He's up there.

Oh. Hi, Kermit.

Hi, Hal. You're in good hands down there.
I'm just gonna sit up here and watch.

Hey, Kermit,
how come he didn't say hello to me?

Hey, Hal, hi, it's me.

Oh, hi, Rowlf.

Rowlf? I'm not Rowlf.

Oh. Isn't that the dog
that plays the piano?

No, no, that's the bear
that tells bad jokes and dies onstage.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hi, Fozzie.

Uh...

Rowlf, heh. Name's Rowlf.

I'll start piano lessons tomorrow.

Trust us, Hal,
this show will be good for your career.

Yeah, you'll be mixing
with some fresh new classy acts.

Such as?

Well, such as our opening number.
Here, read this.

Geri and the Atrics?

[BOTH CHEERING]

[PLAYING SCHMALTZY JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ I'd like to thank the guy ♪

♪ Who wrote the song ♪

♪ That made my baby fall in love with me ♪

[CHUCKLES]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT DOO-WOP MUSIC]

ALL: ♪ Who put the bomp
In the bomp ba-bomp ba-bomp? ♪

♪ Who put the ram
In the rama lama ding dong? ♪

♪ Who put the bop
In the bop shoo-bop shoo-bop? ♪

♪ Who put the dip
In the dip da-dip da-dip? ♪

♪ Who was that man? ♪

♪ Oh, I'd like to shake his hand ♪

ALL:
♪ He made my baby fall in love with me ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ When my baby heard ♪

ALL: ♪ Bomp ba-ba-bomp
Ba-bomp ba-bomp bomp ♪

♪ Every word went
Straight into her heart ♪

♪ And when she heard them singing ♪

ALL:
♪ Rama lama lama lama ding dong ♪

♪ She said we'd never have to part ♪

♪ So ♪

ALL: ♪ Who put the bomp
In the bomp ba-bomp ba-bomp? ♪

♪ Who put the ram
In the rama lama lama ding dong? ♪

♪ Who put the bop
In the bop shoo-bop shoo-bop? ♪

♪ Who put the dip
In the dip da-dip da-dip? ♪

♪ Who was that man? ♪

♪ I'd like to shake his hand ♪

ALL:
♪ He made my baby fall in love with me ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Boogity boogity boogity boogity
Boogity boogity shoo ♪

♪ Dip da-dip da-dip
Dip da-dip da-dip ♪

♪ She always says she loves me so ♪

♪ Who put the bomp
In the bomp ba-bomp ba-bomp? ♪

♪ Who put the ram
In the rama lama ding dong? ♪

♪ Who put the bop
In the bop shoo-bop shoo-bop? ♪

♪ Who put the dip
In the dip da-dip da-dip? ♪

♪ Who was that man? ♪

♪ I'd like to shake his hand ♪

ALL:
♪ He made my baby fall in love with me ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

Wow, great! Wonderful!
That was a terrific act.

I know. In fact, it was just the kind
of act you would have booked.

Maybe they made a mistake.

We made a terrible mistake.

Ugh. That act was so bad,
the frog could have booked it.

Mm-hmm.

I thought you girls sang
Sigmund Romberg tunes.

Aw, get with it, you turkey.
We're what's happening.

Next week we're appearing
in the Boom Boom Room.

Yeah, and you guys look like you hang out

at the Wheeze Wheeze Lounge.

[BAND LAUGHING]

I'm ready for my Mozart number.

What, a pineapple in a Mozart number?

Yeah, my watermelon's at the cleaners.

-Gonzo, your act has been canceled.
-What?

Yeah, but don't take it too badly.
Everybody's act has been canceled.

Yes, tonight there'll be nothing
but bright new faces.

Mmm, nothing but class and culture.

Like what?

Like the Berlin National Opera Company.

Oh. I wonder if they'd like
to rent my pineapple.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here to perform
the first-act finale from Siegfried

is one of the world's
great musical companies.

-Excuse me, little blue person.
-Yes?

The Berlin National Opera Company
couldn't make it,

so they sent us.

Who are you?

We are the Salzburg Sauerkraut Singers.

[HOOVES CLICK]

So here they are,
the Berlin National Opera Company.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

[ALL SINGING IN GERMAN]

ALL:
Olé!

[GASPS]

Boy, if they're gonna book quality acts
like that,

I don't have a chance.

[SIGHS]

Oh, no! We've been sabotaged!

Quick, you clean up the sauerkraut,

and I'll try to find an act
to send onstage.

Right. Beauregard?

Oh, we have been canceled.
Do you realize that we've been canceled?

[SOBBING]
Oh, no! We have been canceled!

Will you try and act like a grown-up?
It's only for one show.

Oh, Link.

Oh, hi, Hal!

Listen, uh, I feel a little strange
with Kermit not in charge.

Is everything, you know, going all right?

Oh, sure, yes.
We have been canceled, though.

-Canceled?
-Yes, we've all been canceled.

-All? Everybody canceled?
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Just like that, canceled?

I'm all set to do a number,
you tell me we're canceled?

Hal. Hal, try to act like a grown-up.
After all, it's only for one show.

Oh, Hal. Quick, get onstage.

-Onstage? I thought I was canceled.
-Of course not. You're on next.

All right, onstage.

Stay off that stage.

He's gotta go on the stage!
The audience is restless!

He can't go on the stage!
It's full of sauerkraut!

Uh, can I talk to you a moment in private?

If you guys just tell me what
you want me to do, I'll be glad to do it.

Oh, good. Here, hold this sauerkraut.

I'm telling you,
he can't go on till the sauerkraut's gone.

Sauerkraut's gone.

Moving right along...

We bring you tonight's guest star,
the versatile and talented Mr. Hal Linden.

In a musical salute
to our favorite holiday:

-Christmas.
-The 4th of July.

-Christmas.
-No, the 4th of July.

-Yes, but I already rented the sleigh.
-Too bad.

And so now
for an old-fashioned 4th of July...

Christmas.

...here he is, Mr. Hal Linden.

[CHEERS]

[PLAYING UPBEAT MARCH]

♪ I'm a Yankee-Doodle dandy ♪

♪ A Yankee-Doodle do or die ♪

♪ A real live nephew of my uncle Sam ♪

♪ Born on the 4th of July ♪

♪ Yankee-Doodle came to London
Just to ride the ponies ♪

♪ I am that Yankee-Doodle-- ♪

GONZO: ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way ♪

Arriba!

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, hey! ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ You're a grand old flag
You're a high-flying flag ♪

♪ And forever in peace may you wave ♪

♪ You're the emblem of
The land I love ♪

♪ The home of the free and the brave ♪

♪ Just hear those sleigh bells jingling
Ring-ting-tingling too ♪

♪ Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you ♪

♪ Outside the snow is falling and... ♪

Right on.

♪ Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you ♪

♪ This land is your land
This land is my land ♪

♪ From California
To the New York Island ♪

♪ From the redwood forest
To the Gulf stream water ♪

-♪ This land was made for you and me ♪
-♪ Sleigh bells ring ♪

♪ Are you listenin'? ♪

♪ In the lane
Snow is glistenin' ♪

ALL: ♪ A beautiful sight
We're happy tonight ♪

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪

-♪ Gone away is the bluebird ♪
-♪ Here's to the red, white and blue ♪

-♪ Here to stay is a new bird ♪
-♪ To uphold it will be our one endeavor ♪

-♪ He sings his love song as we go along ♪
-HAL: ♪ And so it will always be true ♪

♪ The stars and stripes
Will fly above... ♪

Cue the fireworks!

ALL:
♪ Happy holiday ♪

♪ Happy holiday ♪

Cue the snow!

♪ To you ♪

[BIRDS CHEERING]

Here's a couple of young guys about
to perform one of The Beatles' hit songs.

Actually, we had hoped to have
The Beatles sing it,

but we haven't heard from any them, so--

Wait a second! I just talked to Ringo.

-Great! What did he say?
-No.

So, here are these guys
I was telling you about.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]


♪ Desmond has a barrow
In the marketplace ♪

♪ Molly is the singer in a band ♪

♪ Desmond says to Molly,
"Girl, I like your face" ♪

♪ And Molly says this
As she takes him by the hand ♪

♪ Ob la di, ob-la-da, life goes on, bra ♪

♪ La-la, how the life goes on ♪

♪ Ob la di, ob-la-da, life goes on, bra ♪

♪ La-la, how the life goes on ♪

♪ In a couple of years they have built
A home sweet home ♪

[BARKING]

♪ With a couple of kids
Running in the yard ♪

♪ Of Desmond and Molly Jones ♪

-[LAUGHING]
-[DOG BARKING]

♪ Happy ever after in the market place ♪

♪ Desmond lets the children lend a hand ♪

♪ Molly stays at home
And does her pretty face ♪

♪ And in the evening she still sings it
With the band ♪

♪ Ob la di, ob-la-da, life goes on, bra ♪

♪ La-la, how the life goes on ♪

♪ Ob-la di, ob-la-da, life goes on, bra ♪

♪ La-la, how the life goes on ♪

♪ And if you want some fun,
Take ob-la-di, bla-da ♪

-Thank you. Thank you very much.
-[DOGS HOWLING]

Boy, that was very good.

Yeah. You know, I don't miss me at all.

Gee, Robin, I'm sorry
about your number being canceled.

But look at it this way.
You could be lucky.

Well, they didn't cancel my number,
and look what happened.

Mmm. Yeah, but if I were in charge,
things would be different.

Oh, yeah? How so?

Well, first of all, I'd pass a law
against wide-wheeled sports tires.

Excuse me?

Well, it'd give narrow little frogs
like me a better chance.

If I ruled the world,
clothing would be edible!

[LAUGHS]

And now, for a change of pace,

we take you to colorful, exciting India.

Yes. And here singing a medley
of your favorite Urdu ditties

is the Bombay bombshell herself,
Indira Mahajira.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING EXOTIC MUSIC]

♪ I'm just an old-fashioned girl
With an old-fashioned mind ♪

♪ Not sophisticated
I'm the plain and simple kind ♪

♪ I want an old-fashioned house
With an old-fashioned fence ♪

♪ And an old-fashioned millionaire ♪

♪ I'd like a plain simple car
With a hydraulic jack ♪

♪ Long enough to have
A bowling alley in the back ♪

♪ I want an old-fashioned house
With an old-fashioned fence ♪

♪ And an old-fashioned millionaire ♪

Who is that out there? That's not Indira.

I know. She's awful.

Oh, no. It's that pig.

Huh! I knew there was something
not quite kosher about this.

♪ I like Chopin and Bizet
And the voice of Doris Day ♪

♪ Gershwin songs
And old forgotten carols ♪

♪ But the music that excels
Is the sounds of oil wells ♪

♪ As they slurp, slurp, slurp
Into the barrels ♪

♪ I'll ask for such simple things
When my birthday occurs ♪

♪ Two apartment buildings
That are labeled "hers" and "hers" ♪

♪ Just an old-fashioned house
With an old-fashioned fence ♪

♪ And an old-fashioned millionaire ♪

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Very nice, Piggy.

Thank you, Kermie. Mwah, mwah!

Ah. Sabotaged again.

Quick, Waldorf, what's on next?
Check the clipboard.

Beauregard, why are you standing there?

Because this is the place
where I stopped walking.

[WALDORF SIGHS]

Go do something useful.

Check.

Let's see... We've got Icy Gomez,
the Reykjavik Warbler.

No, no. He came down with the flu.

Oh. Then we gotta go
straight to Hal Linden's Dixieland num--

[YELLS THEN THUDS]

Well, that one works.

Beau, what are you doing?

Something useful, like you said.

I'm checking
the backstage trapdoor releases.

Ugh. Well, don't!

Yeah. Come on. Let's introduce Hal.

Remember, Beau, don't test
any more backstage trapdoor releases.

Okay.

I'll test the onstage trapdoor releases.

Now, we all know Hal Linden
is a great comedy actor.

Yes, and we all know that Hal Linden
is a terrific musical-comedy star.

Did you also know that Hal Linden
is quitting this show and going home?

What? But, Hal,
what about your Dixieland number?

Well, I'd love to do some Dixieland,
but, I mean, after that first number?

Come on. How can you do a patriotic number
with sauerkraut and Santa Clauses?

But, Hal, we have our Dixieland band ready
to play "When the Saints Go Marching In."

Yeah.

Well, are you sure
nothing's gonna go wrong?

Hal, you gotta trust us.

All right, introduce me.

Yeah. Well, ladies and gentlemen,

here he is, Mr. Hal--!

Hal Linden! Whoa!

[PLAYING UPBEAT DIXIELAND MUSIC]

ALL:
♪ Oh, when the saints go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints go marching in ♪

♪ I want to be in that number ♪

♪ When the saints go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints go marching in ♪

♪ I want to be in that number ♪

♪ When the saints go marching in ♪

[YELLS THEN THUDS]

[YELLS]

[YELLS]

Whoa!

[YELLS]

[TRAPDOOR OPENS & HAL YELLS]

[HAL CRASHES]

Well, it looks like time's running out
for us.

-Yeah, and for the show too.
-Mmm.

So let's bring back
our wonderful guest star, Mr. Hal Linden.

[CHEERS THEN COUGHS]

-Yay! Bravo!
-Yay!

Kermit, it's good to see you.

STATLER & WALDORF:
It sure is.

Yeah, tonight's been a disaster.

Has it, really?

Gee, I thought it was a terrific show.

What are you talking about?
It was a lot of confusion and chaos.

A lot of running around
by mindless maniacs...

Yeah, yeah.
Just like any good Muppet Show.

And, Hal, you were a big part of it.

Oh, good. I'm glad I fit right in.

[ALL LAUGH]

Well, Kermit, the show's all yours.

We're going back up to our seats
in the box and stay there.

Mmm. We didn't know how tough it was
down here.

From now on, we promise never
to say a bad thing about the show again.

-Oh, good.
-Ah!

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

Bye.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

You know, I never liked their theme music.

Neither did I.

KERMIT:
You promised!

[BOTH LAUGHING]
Post Reply