05x13 - Tony Randall

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR OPENS]

Huh? Hey, who are you?

I'm Jean-Pierre Rampal,
the guest star of the show.

Oh, yeah, Jean-Pierre Rampal,
the musician fella.

Well, we've got your instruments
right here.

Here? But I don't play the fruit.
I play the flute.

Well, flute, fruit, what's the difference?

Hit it, boys.

FRUIT:
♪ Yes, we have no bananas ♪

♪ We have no bananas today ♪

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Jean-Pierre Rampal.

[CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]

Eat your heart out, Gillespie.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show,

voted the best show in the world
out of all the shows hosted by frogs.

And tonight our very special guest star

is the internationally acclaimed
French flautist,

which means he plays the flute,

Jean-Pierre Rampal.

Yes! But first,
a song that asks the musical question:

"Why are those people sitting in a tree?"

BIRDS: ♪ Tweedle-lee deedle-lee-dee
Tweedle-lee deedle-lee-dee ♪

♪ Tweedle-lee deedle-lee-dee
Tweedle-lee deedle-lee-dee ♪

♪ Tweedle-lee deedle-lee-dee
Tweedle-lee deedle-lee-dee ♪

♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

♪ He rocks in the treetops all day long ♪

♪ Hoppin' and a-boppin'
And a-singin' his song ♪

♪ All the little birds on Jaybird Street ♪

-♪ Love to hear the robin go ♪
-♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet! ♪

-♪ Rockin' robin ♪
BIRDS: ♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

-♪ Rockin' robin ♪
-♪ Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee ♪

♪ Blow, rockin' robin
'Cause we're really gonna rock tonight ♪

♪ Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee ♪

♪ Every little swallow
Every chickadee ♪

♪ Every little bird in the tall oak tree ♪

♪ The wise old owl
And the big black crow ♪

-♪ Flap their wings singin' ♪
-♪ Go, bird, go ♪

-♪ Rockin' robin ♪
-♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

-♪ Rockin' robin ♪
-♪ Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee ♪

♪ Blow, rockin' robin
'Cause we're really gonna rock tonight ♪

♪ Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee ♪

BIRDS:
♪ Tweedle-lee-dee ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ A pretty little raven
At the bird bandstand ♪

♪ Taught him how to do the bop
And it was grand ♪

♪ They started going steady
And bless my soul ♪

♪ He outbopped the buzzard
And the oriole ♪

♪ He rocks in the treetops all day long ♪

♪ Hoppin' and a-boppin'
And a-singin' his song ♪

♪ All the little birds on Jaybird Street ♪

-♪ Love to hear the robin go ♪
-♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet! ♪

-♪ Rockin' robin ♪
-♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

-♪ Rockin' robin ♪
-♪ Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee ♪

♪ Blow, rockin' robin
'Cause we're really gonna rock tonight ♪

♪ Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee ♪

-♪ Tweedle-lee deedle-lee-dee ♪
-♪ Tweet, tweet! ♪

-♪ Tweedle-lee deedle-lee-dee ♪
ANIMAL: ♪ Tweet, tweet! ♪

-♪ Tweet, tweet! ♪
-♪ Tweedle-lee deedle-lee-dee ♪

BIRDS & ANIMAL:
♪ Tweet, tweet! ♪

BIRDS: ♪ Tweedle-lee-dee ♪
-♪ Tweet! ♪

♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

Well, that's something new.
They've never gone up a tree before.

No, they usually just go out on a limb.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Okay, great opening number.
Great number, guys.

-Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.
-Hmm?

This is the last straw.
I will not go on with Beauregard.

What's wrong, Miss Piggy?

The idea that an artiste of my stature
would sing

with a mouth-organ-playing stagehand?

It is the coup de grace.

Uh, beg pardon?

-Coup de grace?
-Mm-hm.

-It is French. Oh.
-Oh.

Ahh, sometimes it is wearying
being the only person around here

with culture and refinement, n'est-ce pas?

Well, actually, Miss Piggy,
as you requested, we have a flautist.

Oh, well, is he any good?

He's the best.

Well, all right, I'll do it.

Oh, good.

Get the flute player out there.

Ladies and gentlemen,
there have been many adjectives used

to describe our special guest:

"brilliant," "imaginative," "classic,"
to name a few.

But tonight he is about to earn
yet another adjective:

"foolhardy,"

as he attempts a duet
with our own Miss Piggy.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jean-Pierre Rampal.

[CHEERS]

Do it. Ahem.

[PLAYING LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ Lo-- ♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ Lo-- ♪

-Now? Ahem.
-Yes, now.

♪ Lo, here the gentle lark ♪

♪ Weary of rest ♪

♪ From his moist cabinet mounts ♪

♪ Up on high ♪

♪ And wakes the morning
From whose silver breast ♪

♪ The sun ariseth ♪

♪ In true majesty ♪

♪ The sun ariseth ♪

♪ In true majesty ♪

[PIGGY CLEARS THROAT]

You know, I usually sing alone.

You know, I usually play alone.

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ Lo, here the gentle lark ♪

♪ Lo, here the gentle lark ♪

♪ La, la-la-la, la, la, la
La, la-la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la-la-la, la-- ♪

Aw, knock it off.

♪ La, la-la-la, la-la, la-la
La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la ♪

♪ La, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La, la-la, la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La, la! ♪

[PIGGY PANTING]

I got it now.

♪ La! ♪

Oh, I think one more chorus
would have k*lled the pig.

BOTH:
Encore! Encore!

NARRATOR:
And now...

ridding the world of evil,
here comes Bear on Patrol.

FOZZIE:
All right, come on.

Oh, what now, Patrol Bear?

Come on, you. Come on, come on, come on.
All right, now halt.

Sir, sir,
I caught this guy double-parking.

Oh, yeah? What's his name?

Well, he doesn't have a name.

Why not?

Well, he can't talk. He's a car.

Well, what's his license number, then?

Oh. Oh, yes. It's Z-Z-X-K-L. Yes.

Okay.

Listen, Zzxkl, how do you plead?
Guilty or not guilty?

[HORN HONKS THREE TIMES]

Not guilty.
All right, then, where's your driver?

[HORN HONKS TWICE]

Don't know, huh?

Oh, I thought he said "At home."

Oh. Did you say "At home" or "Don't know"?

[HORN HONKING REPEATEDLY]

He said, "Let me out of this place.
I want to call my lawyer."

Hmm. That's funny. I thought he said:

"Please don't send me to jail.
I've got a wife and mopeds."

Sir, what are we going to do?

We need a police interpreter.

You called, lieutenant?

Oh, yes, yes. Oh, police interpreter, sir,

we're having trouble
interrogating this guy.

Ah. Did you ask the questions in English?

Yes.

That could be your problem.

You have to speak to them
in their native tong.

You mean "tongue."

No, tong.

Oh. Wait--

[YELPING]

[HORN HONKING REPEATEDLY]

He's 3 years old. He's imported.

FOZZIE:
Oh, please! Please!

[HORN HONKING REPEATEDLY]

He doesn't know where his driver is,

but he likes an occasional sip
of motor oil.

Don't do this!

[FOZZIE YELPING & HORN HONKING REPEATEDLY]

It's not his fault he was double-parked.

Wait, please! This is not fun! Please!

Stop complaining, Patrol Bear.
We all have to do our part.

Ah! Please, please!

Please, please, I'm begging! Please!

-Oh, Piggy.
-Hmm?

Jean-Pierre wanted to talk to you.

Jean-Pierre?

Oh, oh, yes, the flute player, mm-hm.
He's sweet.

Yeah, you know, I told him that you
and he could talk French together.

Oh, well, why?

He is French,
and I thought it would be nice for you

to chat with someone
of culture and refinement.

Um... Heh, heh.

Yes, well, um, I just remembered,

I have laryngitis.

Uh, my vocal coach told me
not to speak French.

-Heh, heh. Um...
-Oh?

I'm not even supposed
to each french fries. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, excusez-moi-- Excuse me.

-Oh, Miss Piggy.
-Hmm?

I've been a great fan of yours for years.

Oh, well, thank you.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Um, ha, ha. Thank you. Ha, ha.

-You're welcome.
-What did he say?

Well, uh, I'm not exactly sure.

But Kermit told me that you speak French.

Yes, all the time.

Well, um, I can speak French.

I just can't hear it. Ahem.

Oh? Sort of laryngitis of the ear.

Cool it, greeno.

Um, so nice to chat with you, Jean-Pierre.

I must go rest after my performance.
I'm certain you understand.

[PIGGY CHUCKLES]

Hasta la vista.

Au revoir.

Uh, she's very temperamental.

She's a great artist.

Oh?

Uh, what is English phrase?

Yes. Ah, yes.

She's a con artist.

Mm. You can say that again.

Yes, a con artist.

He did.

[HEART b*ating]

[BEEPING RHYTHMICALLY]

[BREATHING]

[RATTLING]

[THUMPING]

[BASS LINE PLAYING]

[SCATTING]

[BOTH SCATTING]

♪ Conga! ♪

ALL:
♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ For sure this is a conga ♪

ALL:
♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, conga! ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

[PLAYING MUSETTE MUSIC]

JACQUES: Mwah! Ho, ho!
DELPHINE: Ho, ho! Ho, ho!

Mwah, mwah, mwah. Oh, Delphine, oh!

[JACQUES & DELPHINE MURMURING IN FRENCH
AND GIGGLING]

Oh, Jacques.
This little place, she is so beautiful.

So Parisian.

So, how you say, French.

But, my darling,

we do not need all of this French rubbish

when we have each other.

-Oh, mm, mm, mm.
-Oh! Oh...

Oh, Jacques, Jacques, Jacques.

That is my name.
Do not wear it out. Ho, ho.

François, play something romantique.

Oh? What do you think this is,
chopped liver?

[HUMMING]

Everybody dances, even the French poodle.

[PENGUIN SCATTING]

That is the worst accordion playing
I have ever heard.

Oh, yeah? That's the worst French accent
I've ever heard too.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Alligator just went by there.

My darling,
please do not run away from me.

Oh, but, Jacques,
this is such fun, dancing.

I know it is, but...

It is a little too fast, n'est-ce pas?

Oh, no, no.

WOMAN: Keep it quiet down there!
I'm trying to sleep!

Please, please!

A bottle hit him on his head.

[PLAYING WARM-UP]

Gee, if you're rehearsing in here,

I was hoping
you'd just let me sit and listen.

Birds love flute music.

Well, I can understand that.
You know, flautists love birds too.

-Oh, really?
-Yes.

[PLAYING LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC]

Did you like it?

-Beautiful.
-Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here
at Muppet Labs,

where the future is being made today.

And today we have something to speed up
those time-consuming repairs.

Yes, you've guessed it already:

the electric sledgehammer.

Simple in concept, yes.

But is it foolproof?

Well, that's where my assistant,
Beaker, comes in.

[SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH]

Very good, Beaker, right on cue.

Now, when I plug the machine in,
you press the start button,

and we'll drive this stubborn old nail
to kingdom come.

[SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH]

Go.

Oh, dear.

[BEAKER YELPING]

Oh, thank you, Beaker.
Now you've broken it.

[BEAKER SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH]

No, he hasn't.

NEWSMAN:
Here is a Muppet News Flash.

Muppet Labs has announced the escape
of their new electric sledgehammer,

which is believed to be roaming the city
on a very long extension cord.

There is no need to panic, however,

since the hammer only att*cks
really wimpy nerds.

Hmm? Oh! Aah!

Okay, the "Pied Piper" number's next.
"Pied Piper" next.

Ugh. There's too much v*olence
on newscasts.

Mm.

Hey, Kermit.
You know the story of the Pied Piper?

-Of course.
-Yeah, well, the rats don't like it.

Who cares?

Well, they filed an official protest.

Rats? How official could it be?

Well, listen to this.

"We feel the Pied Piper shows rats
in a bad light."

What's wrong with that?
If it was a good light,

you could see their pointy little noses
and their long icky tails.

Kermit, they're serious.

Oh, well, do they refuse to do the number?

-No, but--
-Then there's no point in discussing it.

-But--
-The closing number's the "Pied Piper"!

But they have changed the story a little.

And now please welcome
our very special guest star,

Jean-Pierre Rampal,

making his acting debut
in the fairy-tale classic

"The Pied Piper of Hamelin."

Oh, burgomaster, burgomaster,
whatever shall we do?

Our little village is being overrun
by these ravenous hordes of children.

RIZZO:
Oh, no!

RAT: Yeah, they are eating us
out of house und home.

We'll have to hire somebody
to get rid of them.

Cross my palm with silver,

and I will rid the village
of the nuisance.

It's a deal.
I'll cross your palm with silver.

What? He wants the Lone Ranger's horse
to run over his hands?

It's just a figure of speech.

You'll get your money
when you get rid of these pests.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

[PLAYING LIVELY DISCO MUSIC]

KIDS: ♪ Come on
Ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Come on
Ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Don't you carry nothin'
That might be a load ♪

♪ Come on
Ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Come on
Ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Don't you carry nothin'
That might be a load ♪

♪ Come on
Ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

RATS: ♪ Come on
Ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Don't you carry nothin'
That might be a load ♪

RATS: ♪ Come on
Ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Pick your left foot up
When your right one's down ♪

♪ Come on, legs, keep movin'
Don't you lose no ground ♪

♪ 'Cause the road you're walkin'
Might be long sometime ♪

KIDS: ♪ But just keep on steppin'
And you'll be just fine ♪

♪ Come on
Ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Come on
Ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Don't you carry nothin'
That might be a load ♪

♪ Come on
Ease on down, ease on down ♪

♪ Ease on down, ease on down ♪

♪ Ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

Looks like we've just about come down
to the end of another one.

But before we go, let us say thank you
to a wonderful guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jean-Pierre Rampal! Yay!

Thank you.

Thank you, Kermit. It was a pleasure.

I loved working with everybody,
especially with Mademoiselle Piggy.

Oh. Oh, thank you, Jean.

I hope your voice gets better

so we can have a long conversation
together in French.

Ah, oh, uh-huh.
Well, um, why don't you write me a letter?

I will send you a billet-doux.

Oh, nice. Do you know my size?

-Ha-ha-ha.
-What?

-See you next time on The Muppet Show!
-What's so funny?

KERMIT: Oh, well, you know...
-What is so...? What's so funny?

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Jean-Pierre has recorded an album
of Frank Sinatra's hits on the flute.

What's it called?

I Did It Sideways.