05x18 - Marty Feldman

[bunniefuu]

That's right, up and down, not sideways.

[DOORS CLANK]

Who are you?

Well, I'm Gene Kelly.

Did Kermit leave a ticket for me?
They didn't have it at the box office.

Gene Kelly? You don't need a ticket.
You're tonight's special guest star.

Oh, gee, there must be some mistake.
I wasn't planning to do anything tonight.

I thought Kermit invited me over
just to watch the show.

No, you're tonight's guest.
You're supposed to sing and dance.

Oh, no. No way.

If you invite a guest to dinner,
do you expect them to cook?

Is that an offer?
We could use a good cook around here.

Hey, bork.

[GROANS]

[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

Now, I don't know who you are,
but I love your cooking.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Gene Kelly.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

BOTH:
♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ And now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

[VOICE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

He's not home.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you.

Hi-ho, and welcome again
to The Muppet Show,

where we have one of the greatest
singer-actor-director-dancer-movie stars

of all time, the incomparable Gene Kelly.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Yes. But first,

before Gene actually performs for us,
we have--

GENE:
Kermit.

Uh, just a second.

Uh, what's up, Gene?

Kermit, you don't understand.
I'm just here to watch the show.

Uh, you mean, no singing or acting
or dancing or starring?

No, I'm just gonna be
part of the audience.

Oh, well, listen,
let me just introduce this number,

and then we'll talk about what
you're gonna do on the show, huh?

Nope. I'm just going to sit here
and have a great time.

[KERMIT CHUCKLES THEN STAMMERS]

Yeah.

Uh, okay, folks, uh,
well, here all the way from Baffin Bay,

the Endangered Species Chorus Line.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[SPLASHING RHYTHMICALLY]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

-♪ Goodbye, Joe ♪
-♪ Me gotta go ♪

♪ Me, oh, my, oh ♪

ALL: ♪ Me gotta go pole the pirogue
Down the bayou ♪

♪ My mama, the sweetest one
Me, oh, my, oh ♪

♪ Son of a g*n
We'll have big fun on the bayou ♪

ALL: ♪ Jambalaya and a crawfish pie
And filé gumbo ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight I'm gonna see
My ma cher amio ♪

♪ Pick guitar, fill fruit jar
And be gayo ♪

♪ Son of a g*n
We'll have big fun on the bayou ♪

Whee!

-Ha, ha!
-Grr.

[SCREAMS]

-Whee!
-Whoo!

ALL: ♪ Jambalaya and a crawfish pie
And filé gumbo ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight I'm gonna see
My ma cher amio ♪

♪ Pick guitar, fill fruit jar
And be gayo ♪

♪ Son of a g*n
We'll have big fun on the bayou ♪

Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I loved it. I loved it.

I didn't understand it, but I loved it.

Okay, uh, next on-stage, Prince Rudolph
and His Invisible Cheeseburger.

Excuse me.

Have you seen a cheeseburger
waiting in the wings?

-Uh, no.
-Ah, good.

He's on time for a change.

-Hey, Beau.
-Yes?

You want me to tell you
what you'll be doing in the future?

-I don't know what I'm doing now.
-No problem.

It says here in my fortune-telling cards

that for you,
the seven of lumps is in the ascendency

with the beginning
of the drowning refrigerator.

What does that mean?

It's the end of the world!

You guys, the invisible cheeseburger
has lost his voice!

There's nothing left of him
but the smell of onions.

It's the end of the world!

Well, it's not that bad.

Uh, everything okay so far, Gene?

Oh, Kermit,
you don't know what a pleasure it is

coming to a show
and not having to perform.

Uh, yeah.

And you don't know how hard it is
to do a show

where the guest star doesn't perform
on-stage.

Oh, relax, Kermit.
It isn't the end of the world.

Well, don't be too sure.

Uh, but if you don't go on, I'll have to.

And I can't dance my way
out of warm Jell-O.

No problem. I used to be a dance teacher.

What? Wait a minute, are you offering
to give me a dance lesson?

Of course. In a few minutes,
I can have your toes tapping,

or in your case, your flippers flapping.

Ha, ha. That's terrific.
Hey, tell me, Gene, uh...

Tell me, where would you like
to give me this dance lesson?

Oh, I don't care. Anywhere at all.

Well, how about, uh...
How about right over here?

Right. Now, the first thing
you gotta remember is to stay relaxed...

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Kermit. You tricked me.

Uh, well, just sort of a little trick.

Well, okay, then. Let's do it.

Come on, hop up on the piano.

Ha, ha. Okay, watch this, folks. Whoop!

Hey!

[BAND PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]

-Follow me.
-Yeah.

-♪ One, two, three, four ♪
-♪ One, two, three, four ♪

-♪ One, two, three ♪
-♪ One, two, three ♪

-♪ La, la, la, la-la, la ♪
-♪ La, la, la, la-la, la ♪

-Well, there.
-Gee, I guess I got it.

Hey!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I wish Gene Kelly would teach me
to Charleston.

I wish Gene Kelly would drive you
to Charleston.

[LAUGHS THEN SIGHS]

[HUMMING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]

Oh, hello, boss.

-Hey, do you know there was some guy
-Hm?

who was sitting over there
watching the show?

Uh, Beau, that's not some guy.
That's Gene Kelly, our guest star.

He's one of the great entertainers
of our age.

Oh, good. I gave him my sponge mop.

Beau, why did you do that?

Well, I'm giving away all my stuff
because the world is coming to an end.

[SOBBING]

Beau. Uh, Beau? Beau, that's silly.

Oh, no, it isn't. I'm worried sick.

Oh, good. Come with us.
We need a sick person for Vet's Hospital.

Okay.

Oh, Beau, thanks again for the sponge mop.

NARRATOR:
And now Veterinarian's Hospital...

[BLOWING NOSE]

...the continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

So who's this patient, Nurse Janice?

It's Beau, Dr. Bob.

Bo, the one that lost the sheep?

No, no, no, not Bo Peep.
Beau the stagehand.

Oh, the one who lost his marbles.

-Hey, that's not nicey-nicey.
-Oh.

No. It's not very funny-funny either.

No, it isn't.

Were you calling the patient,
stupid Dr. Bob?

Uh, you wanna try that again?

Were you calling the patient stupid,
Dr. Bob?

I liked the first way better. Ha-ha-ha.

Me too.

I just came here to tell you
that the world is going to come to an end.

Oh, no!

Oh, and I had so many things
I wanted to do with my life!

Like what?

Well, like frizz my hair
and buy some new shoes.

Wait a minute.

Beau, how do you know
the world is going to end?

Oh, I saw it in the cards.

The cards?
Then we got nothing to worry about.

NURSES:
Why?

He's not playing with a full deck.

[JANICE GROANS]

There you go again,
treating me like I was subferior.

Don't listen to him, Beau.

But I can't help it.
He's so close, I hear every word.

[BOB GROANS]

I think another card
just fell out of the deck.

-Ha, ha.
-Ooh.

Okay, but the world is going to end.

And there'll be a sign.

Something will happen here
that's never happened before.

You mean like
if Dr. Bob actually cured a patient?

[BOB GROANS]

Or Nurse Janice kept her mouth shut?
Ha-ha-ha.

Or if we got one honest laugh?

Well, if the world is waiting for that,
it's gonna be around a long time.

Might as well cue the announcer.

NARRATOR: And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Gee, I was sure
something was going to happen.

NARRATOR:
Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr.--

Baah!

Oh. Good thing I landed on something soft.

BOB:
Oh!

Now, that's funny.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

BOTH: ♪ Fit as a fiddle
And ready for love ♪

♪ I can jump over the moon
Up above ♪

♪ Fit as a fiddle
And ready for love ♪

♪ I haven't a worry
I haven't a care ♪

♪ I feel like a feather
That's floating on air ♪

♪ Fit as a fiddle
And ready for love ♪

♪ Soon the church bells will be ringin' ♪

♪ And I'll march with Ma and Pa ♪

♪ All the church bells will be ringin' ♪

♪ With a hey, nonny, nonny
And a hotcha-cha ♪

♪ Hi-diddle-diddle
My baby's okay ♪

♪ Ask me a riddle
Oh, what did she say? ♪

♪ Fit as a fiddle
And ready for love ♪

Hey, now, look at that.

All that and she can dance too.

BOTH: ♪ Fit as a fiddle
And ready for love ♪

♪ I can jump over the moon
Up above ♪

♪ Fit as a fiddle
And ready for love ♪

[BOTH PANTING]

♪ I haven't a worry
I haven't a care ♪

♪ I feel like a feather
That's floating on air ♪

♪ Fit as a fiddle
And ready for love ♪

[BOTH PANTING]

♪ Soon the church bells will be ringin' ♪

♪ And I'll march with Ma and Pa ♪

♪ All the church bells will be ringing ♪

♪ With a hey, nonny, nonny
And a hotcha-cha ♪

♪ Hi-diddle-diddle, my baby's okay ♪

♪ Ask me a riddle
Oh, what did she say? ♪

♪ Fit as a fiddle
And ready for love ♪

♪ Fit as a fiddle
And ready for love ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh. Oh, there you are, Eugene.

Oh, hi, Miss Piggy.

I was just standing here
getting some fresh air.

Oh. I thought you were grabbing a taxi.

Oh, no. I don't wanna leave.
I'm having too much fun.

Oh, good.
And you're doing a wonderful job.

Oh, I'm not doing anything.

Yet you're doing it so well.

Thank you.

Eugene, you have sung
to many beautiful women.

Yes. Yes, I've been lucky.

Your luck's still with you.

It is?

Eugene, I am not one to beg, but...

please sing to me!

I'd be happy to.

[PIGGY GASPS THEN SIGHS]

[BAND PLAYING TENDER JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ I'm glad I met you ♪

♪ You wonderful you ♪

♪ I can't forget you ♪

♪ You wonderful you ♪

-♪ You're like a breath of spring ♪
-♪ Tell me ♪

-♪ A whole new thing has happened ♪
-♪ All the pretty things I wanna hear ♪

-♪ And without much ado ♪
-♪ I can see ♪

-♪ I look at you and there stands love ♪
-♪ That there stands love ♪

-♪ My arms around you ♪
-♪ Gee, I'd always like to hang around ♪

♪ That's wonderful too ♪

♪ Feel like my feet
Will never touch the ground ♪

-♪ So glad I found you ♪
-♪ Oh, what a lucky day the day I found ♪

BOTH:
♪ You wonderful you ♪

♪ Remember-- ♪

Miss Piggy, you've gotta change
for Pigs in Space.

Oh, oh, oh, Gene, I'm so sorry.
I must go. Ta!

But we haven't finished our song.

That's okay. You can sing it to me.

What's it called?

"You Wonderful You."

Perfect.

I don't think it'll be the same.

♪ Remember, finders keepers ♪

♪ Losers weepers ♪

BOTH:
♪ And because it's true ♪

♪ You're mine now ♪

♪ You wonderful you ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

NARRATOR:
And now

[IN ECHOING VOICE]
Pigs in Space!

When we last left our heroes,
Captain Hogthrob was about to speak.

I wonder how that announcer is.
He fell down in Vet's Hospital, you know.

NARRATOR:
Actually, I sprained my ankle.

Oh. Well, take my advice
and get your mommy to kiss it.

Can we get on with this sketch?

Yeah, yeah, good idea.

Captain Hogthrob,
the navigational computer

just gave us a very startling news.

Oh? What's that?

See that white glow approaching
in the distance?

HOGTHROB:
Uh, yeah.

STRANGEPORK:
That glow is the end of the universe.

[BOTH GASP]

And furthermore,
according to the computer,

when we reach the end of the universe,

we will be given
the meaning and purpose of life.

[BOTH GASP]

We will be given
the meaning and purpose of life?

I just love presents.

Uh, but when do we get there?

In exactly one minute from...

now!

[CLOCK TICKING]

HOGTHROB: Huh.
PIGGY: Oh...

[ALARM CHIMES THEN ALL YELP]

Oh, it's okay, it's okay.
It's just the dinner gong.

Oh, darn.

That means I'm gonna miss
the meaning and purpose of life.

But, Link, can't you just skip dinner?

What?

Why, they're having swill stroganoff.

-Oh.
-Ahh.

The meaning and purpose of life.

Ahh.

Swill stroganoff.

[SMACKING LIPS]

Wait for me!

You wait for the meaning
and purpose of life.

And now a Muppet News Flash,

probably the greatest news story
in history.

The meaning and purpose of life
has just been announced.

The full text of the announcement
is as follows:

Uh...

Oh, that's... Wrong one.
Uh, just a second.

I had it here a minute ago. Um...

Where is it? The meaning and purpose of...

How can I keep track of things

when you're always straightening up
my desk?!

[STRANGEPORK SIGHS]

So here we are at the end of the universe.

Is there any more coffee?

Ahh. Too bad we all missed the meaning
and purpose of life.

NARRATOR:
Not all of us missed it.

-Oh, tell us! Tell us!
-Tell us, tell us! What is it?

Please, please!

NARRATOR [IN SINGSONG]:
I know something you don't know.

Yeah? Well, I know something
you don't know too.

[LEVER CLICKS]

[YELLS]

So much for

Pigs in Space.

-Aw.
-Aw, come on, Kermit, let us on next.

I'm sorry, guys. I've got a full show.
I cannot use a jug-band number tonight.

Oh, man, it's unfair.

Oh, come on, Zeke,
it ain't the end of the world.

ZEKE: Ah...
-Yes, it is.

The universe ended in Pigs in Space,
and the world must be next.

It's just a sketch, Beau.

-Hey, the set's on-stage and ready to go.
-Hm? Oh, let me see.

It looks just like the set from the movie,
doesn't it?

-Wow. An exact duplicate.
-Mm.

Is Gene excited about doing
"Singin' in the Rain" on the show?

Well, he doesn't know about it yet.

Uh, what don't I know about yet, Kermit?

Oh, it was our surprise
closing number, Gene.

Well, I hope it's not for me.
I don't wanna do anything more.

I just came here to enjoy myself,
sit down and relax.

Uh, not even something like, uh,
oh, "Singin' in the Rain," possibly?

Especially not that number.

You know, I've done that number so much,
people are tired of it.

-But that's exactly what we--
-That's exactly what we thought.

"Gene's not gonna wanna do
'Singin' in the Rain,'" we said.

-Didn't we, Scooter?
-Uh, yeah, that's what we said, I guess.

Maybe I wasn't listening to us.

Uh, listen, Scooter,
since the jug-band set is on-stage now--

-We have a jug band on the show, Gene.
-A jug band?

Yeah. Why don't you tell the jug band
that they're next?

Oh, right. Yeah, right.
I'll tell the jug band.

Oh, they'll sure be pleased
with their set.

Um, uh, Gene, I just have
one quick introduction to make.

Good. I'll just go over here
and sit down and relax, okay?

[STAMMERS]

[SQUEAKS]

Uh, well, uh, welcome, if you will,
that Texas jug band extraordinaire,

Lubbock Lou and his Jughuggers.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING MELANCHOLY COUNTRY MUSIC]

CHORUS:
♪ Ooh, ah ♪

[BLOWING]

-♪ All day I've faced the barren waste ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Without the taste of water ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Cool water ♪

♪ Water ♪

♪ Old Dan and I with throats b*rned dry ♪

♪ And souls that cry ♪

[LAUGHS]

♪ For water ♪

♪ Cool, clear ♪

[GARGLING]
♪ Water ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Kermit, you were really hoping
that I'd do "Singin' in the Rain," right?

Oh, no, no, absolutely not.
The thought never crossed my mind.

Or to put it another way, yes.

I guessed.

Well, I understand.
I mean, it's a great song.

But after I did it in the movie, Kermit,
I used to do it all the time.

I'd do it at the drop of a hat.

[ROWLF PLAYS NOTES ON PIANO]

Ha, ha.

But no more.

You see, I finally realized

that I'd never be able to do it better
than we did it in the movie.

So that's why I never sing it anymore.

[ROWLF PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]

Yeah, but doesn't this vamp I'm playing
make you kind of feel like singing?

Yeah, that vamp does.

♪ 'S'wonderful ♪

♪ 'S'marvelous ♪

♪ You should care for me ♪

-♪ 'S'awful nice ♪
-♪ 'S'awful nice ♪

-♪ 'S'paradise ♪
-♪ 'S'paradise ♪

BOTH:
♪ 'S'what I love to see ♪

No, no, no. Not that song. This song.

[PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]

Oh, that song. I know that one. Sure.

♪ You were meant for me ♪

[PIGGY SIGHS]

♪ I was meant pour vous, Geney ♪

Hey, guys, no, no, no.

Just listen to the vamp now.

[PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ The bells are ringin'
For me and my gal ♪

ALL: ♪ The birds are singin'
For me and my gal ♪

Wait a minute. I give up.
This vamp goes with too many songs.

It sure does. And you know something?

It even goes with this one too.

[PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ I'm singin' in the rain ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ Just singin' in the rain ♪

♪ What a glorious feelin' ♪

♪ I'm happy again ♪

♪ I'll walk down the lane ♪

♪ With a happy refrain ♪

♪ Just singin' ♪

♪ And dancin' ♪

♪ In the rain ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, and so we come to the end
of another one.

But before we go,
let us bring back the man

who's made this evening
so very special for all of us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Gene Kelly.

[CHEERS]

Yeah!

Yeah. Mm-hm.

Kermit, I've had a wonderful time.

How can you say that?
The world is coming to an end!

You know, Beauregard,
I have been reading the instruction manual

for those fortune-telling cards.

-Scooter made a mistake.
-Oh?

Yes, it says here, "When the seven
of lumps is in the ascendency

with the beginning
of the drowning refrigerator,

it doesn't mean the world is ending.

It means your laundry will come back
gray and dingy."

You're trying to make me feel better.

But I know the end is near.

Uh, no, the end is now.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Are you ready for the end of the world?

Sure. It couldn't be worse than this show.

[BOTH LAUGH]