05x20 - Wally Boag

[bunniefuu]

[CHUCKLES]

[SPITS]

Bah! Rubbish!

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, hold on. Who are you?

I'm Wally Boag.
I'm the guest on tonight's Muppet Show.

Wally Boag! Balloon animals!

Why, I haven't seen you in a long time,
old buddy. Remember me? Pops.

Sorry, afraid I don't.

Sure you do.

You always called me Pops while I was the
doorman at the old Bijou in Pittsburgh.

Must have been someone else.
I've never been to Pittsburgh.

It must have been someone else.
Well, sorry.

I wanted to give the guy back
the ten dollars he loaned me.

Oh, that Pops!
Good to see you again, Pops.

It's The Muppet Show, with our very
special guest star, Wally Boag. Yay!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

Thank you, thank you. Hi-ho,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

As you know, every week we try to do
a real old-fashioned vaudeville show.

Well, this week, we're going to succeed.

That's because in the wings is that
master vaudevillian and king of comedy,

Mr. Wally Boag.

Yes! So, here for openers

are the Flying Zucchini Brothers
and their human cannonball act! Yay!

Yeah, boom-ah boom-ah! Boom-ah boom-ah!

Ladies and gentlemen, now for the
Zucchini Brothers' famous cannonball act.

Brothers, squish down into your cannons,
and point them to the heavens.

Ah-squishy squishy.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
get ready for the big boom-ah boom-ah.

Brothers, signal when ready.

Luigi.

Luigi, ready.

Marco, ready.

Lorenzo, ready.

Giuseppe, ready.

Heathcliff, I'm ready, mama.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the Zucchini Brothers'
five-man cannonball boom-ah boom-ah.

Is that it? Is the act over?

Hey, it's a little short, fellas.

Uh, close the curtain.

Quick, change the scenery.

Moving right along, ladies and gentlemen,
Lottie Lemon and her Singing Wig.

♪ Treat me sweet and gentle ♪

♪ When you say good night ♪

♪ Just squeeze me ♪

♪ But please don't tease me ♪

[SCREAMS]

Poor Lottie Lemon.
I hope someone knows first aid.

Forget first aid, Lottie needs lemonade.

According to the Guinness Book of Records,
on July 17, 1955,

Wally Boag opened
the Golden Horseshoe Revue in Disneyland.

He's been doing five shows a day there
ever since.

A total of over 32,000 performances.

AUDIENCE:
Whoo!

Yes. So having achieved this feat,
he's decided to tempt fate

and try to make it through
one performance on The Muppet Show.

So here he is, ladies and gentlemen,
the amazing Wally Boag! Yeah!

Here I am, your traveling salesman.

-Hi, Hermit.
-Kermit.

[CHUCKLES]

Great.

What have I got for sale? Let me take
a look in my purse. I've got balloons.

I had balloons. Oh, well.
Is there a psychiatrist in the house?

Nothing personal, it's just that
I have a new theory in psychiatry.

I can tell people's troubles and character
by the way they blow up a toy balloon.

And it's much cheaper than a couch.
Let me show you how it works.

For instance,
the average and normal person

would blow a balloon like that.
That's the average type.

And then we have a straightforward person.

Straightforward time.

Some people are a little backwards.
Backwards, yes.

The backward type.

Did you see that? Ha, ha.
Oh, I've got talent.

Here's a scatterbrain.
Their mind jumps around a bit.

Their balloon would do the same thing.

I think we'll get rid of that.
Now, to get the message,

you have a person wrap up
all of these thoughts.

Put them all together and you find out
something more about them.

I've made quite a name for myself
doing this. And I don't like it.

You've heard of pink elephants.
Here's someone who sees pink elephants.

Looking a little like that.
A little pink elephant, right there.

Oh, you're so right.

Let's take his trunk here now
and make a little suitcase out of it.

I have an uncle used to see elephants
when he was inebriated. Drunk.

He was a character. He was a kleptomaniac.

A kleptomaniac, that's a person
who finds things before you lose them.

But, um, he's reformed. He only
steals things now that begin with "A."

A watch. A car. A purse.
A wallet. A rabbit.

Here's a little rabbit up there now.

Hey-- Hey, hey, hey!

Did you hear about the rabbit, washed
his hare and couldn't do a thing with her.

Perhaps you're right.

This is just a normal husband
leading the life of a dog.

But he's a gay, debonair
French poodle-type dog.

And there's a little problem
there again now.

I have a French poodle.
I had to sell my dog.

He ran in front of a lawn mower,
and it cut off his tail.

I sold him wholesale.
I couldn't re-tail him.

Here's a nearsighted person. They...

Whoa, there.

We'll just wrap these up
and see what we have.

I want you to remember
my name again, folks. Wally Boag.

Because, you'll be reading about me
in the newspapers. Heh.

I smoke in bed.

Now, here's a, uh, very fancy dog.
This is a police dog.

You might not recognize him.
He's in the CIA.

Same dog, going around the corner.

I'd like to make more,
but something happened.

I had a whole lot of balloons in here--

[BAND PLAYING COMICAL MUSIC]

[ALL SHOUTING]

I don't know.

There, can you tell anything
about me from this?

Yeah. You've got a round shape,
and you're full of hot air.

Oh, great act, Wally.
I loved that last balloon.

Oh, really? I thought I blew it.

Hi, Miss Piggy.

Oh, hello, Wallace.

Oh! Ha, ha. Foo-Foo, Foo-Foo!

Come to mommykins, Foo-Foo.

Kermie? Kermie? Are you going to give
Foo-Foo and me a wonderful introduction?

Uh, right.

[FOO-FOO BARKS]

Oh, oh, Rowlfy? Rowlfy?
Now, do you have your musical cues?

Yes. I hate playing dog acts.

Professional jealousy.

On with the vaudeville show.

Here's The Muppet Show's answer to Lassie:

The amazing Foo-Foo and
her equally amazing trainer, Miss Piggy!

[PLAYING DRAMATIC INTRO]

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Ladies and gen--

Cool it!

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ladies and gentlemen, now here she is,
Foo-Foo the wonder dog.

Yes, yes. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Very good, Foo-Foo.

Now, for her second trick... Ahem.

Second trick?

For her second trick.

Very good. Now, for her third trick.

Yes.

I am going to ask Foo-Foo
to solve a difficult mathematical problem.

Foo-Foo? What is two plus two?

[BARKING]

One more.

She wasn't finished!

Three is wrong.

Well, I know that. But I figured that was
as close as she was gonna get.

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]

We shall do it again.

-This time let her finish. Mmm.
-Mmm.

Foo-Foo, dear. What is two plus two?

[BARKING]

Aha.

[BARKS]

No! What are you doing?

I was waiting for her to finish.

[WHINING]

Oh, wonderful.
Now you've gotten her all upset.

Oh, sorry.
Maybe that trick's too hard for her.

Have her do something simple,
like roll over and play dead.

Why don't you roll over and drop dead?

If I wanted her to do something simple,

I would have had her play the piano
and make dumb remarks.

Now. Ahem.

Would everyone like
to see Foo-Foo dance? Hmm?

It's unanimous!

Just play the music.

All right, dance Foo-Foo! Dance for mommy!
Dance!

[CAT SCREECHES]

Why'd you stop playing?

I heard that.

[GROWLING]

Foo-Foo, it's behind you!

Aaah! Go get him!

Sorry, Miss Piggy.
Old habits are hard to break.

Get it, Foo-Foo!
I'll head him off over here!

Woof, woof! Woof, woof, woof!

-Sit!
-Woof, woof, woof!

Have we ever said this show
is going to the dogs?

About a million times.

Woof, woof!

Okay, moving right along.

Here are three gifted singers
who have all kissed the Blarney Stone.

Ladies and gentlemen,
The Leprechaun Brothers. Yay! And begorra!

[SINGING IN GIBBERISH]

♪ Oh, Danny boy
Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ Oh, Danny ♪

♪ Boy ♪

♪ Oh, Danny boy
Oh, boy, oh, boy ♪

♪ Oh, Danny ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

-♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Oh, Danny boy
Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ Oh, boy, oh, boy ♪

-♪ Me, me, me, me ♪
-♪ Oh, Danny ♪

[ALL SOBBING]

♪ Oh, Danny boy
Oh, Danny ♪

♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ Oh, Danny boy
Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

Oh, Danny boy! Oh, Danny boy!

Well, there goes another
popular expression down the drain.

-What's that?
-The luck of the Irish.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
continuing with our vaudeville show,

it's Wally Boag time.
And here he is to do the Highland fling.

Don't fling me like that!

Thank you, thank you. I deserved it.

I am Scotch, you know.

It was my great-grandfather McBoag that
gave me these very rare McBag Bird, here.

Isn't she pretty?

Can't fly, but what a voice.

Little history on the bag bird, it was
originated in Ireland in the 15th century,

and the Irish gave them to the Scots. The
Scots haven't caught on to the joke yet.

Yeah. For my first number, I play by ear.

I play-- I'm not well.

My first number.

Come on, baby.

[PLAYING OFF-KEY]

Air raid!

Come on, you old bag.

It's been eating green olives, again.
There, there, now.

It's lonesome for its mommy. Yeah.

Just relax.

Oh, one more time. One more time.

Oh, well. I'll give it a vitamin pill.
That might help.

Actually, I would like to play--

"I would like to play." I've got to.

A little song entitled,

"The Girl Next Door Lived the Life
of a Dog So I Called Her Rover."

"I called!"

Shouldn't have, should I?

Here we go. Ahem.

[PLAYING OFF-KEY]

Of course, a lot of people--

[BAGPIPE WHEEZING]

A lot of people-- A lot--

I'm talking, do you mind? Thank you.

A lot of people-- Down, girl.

A lot of people-- I'll be right with you.

A lot of people have said,
"Wally," --that's my maiden name--

"Is it possible to play a melody
on the bagpipes?"

Is it possible to play a melody?

No. But I'd like to endeavor
to play "Swanee River."

And I wondered if the band-- "Band!"

--would join me,
because I'm really coming apart.

You ready? "Swanee River." In rock time.

[PLAYING "SWANEE RIVER"]

No hands.

Wow, so beautiful, bird.

-Whoo, how about we get together?
-Get away from her, you masher, you.

-Okay! Great act, Wally!
-Stop that!

Leave her alone! Now, come on! Hey!

In case anybody wants me, Pops,
I'm getting some fresh air.

Oh, great. You can watch the stage door
while I'm away.

Hey, where you going, Pops?

Going to watch the show.

Well, let me know how I was.

Introducing the astounding illusionist,

Dr. Salamander, hypnotist and newt. Yay!

Aloha! Ciao! Hey! Salaam!

First, I need a volunteer
from the audience.

Sir, you with the mustache.
Yes, in the front row.

-[SNORING]
-Uh, somebody help him up.

Huh? Hey!
Get your dirty hands off my filthy arm!

Ah, that's good sir.
Just step right over here.

Wait a minute, Pops.
What are you doing in the audience?

I come here to try to get some sleep.

Well, this is no time for that.
Because I am going to--

-Hey, wake up!
-Wha--?

I'm gonna hypnotize you,
and then I will command you

to float up into the air,
levitating against all laws of gravity.

-Wake up!
-Oh, what is it now?

[SIGHS]

Now I'm gonna put you to sleep.

You woke me up to tell me that?

All right. Lookit, just lie down here.

That's the first sensible thing
you've said all evening.

All right, look into my eyes,
and by the time I count to ten,

you will be totally under my power.

-One.
-[SNORING]

Good enough!

All right. And now, up you go.

Levitate. Rise, rise!

Up you go.

Rise. Up! Up, you go! Yes.

Thank you, thank you.

All right, wake up. You can come down now.

No, watch out! Look out for the lights!

[GLASS BREAKS]

Oh, this is terrible! Wake up!

Salamander, what do we do now?

Never levitate the hard of hearing.

He's headed towards the backstage!

Scooter, do something!

I'll slam the stage door, boss!

It's the one thing
that always wakes Pops up.

-Oh, hi, Wally.
-Hi, Scooter.

-Am I on yet?
-No, we're waiting for this act to end.

Good.

[POPS YELLS]

Now, that looks like the end of an act.

Ladies and gentlemen, Wally Boag
and his world-famous Western sketch. Yay!

I want you to meet the roughest, toughest,

rootin'-tootin'est cowboy
in the whole Wild West:

Pecos Bill.

♪ Pecos Bill was quite a cowboy
Down in Texas ♪

♪ He was the Western Superman
To say the least ♪

♪ He was the roughest, toughest critter
Never known to be a quitter ♪

♪ 'Cause he never had no fear
Of man nor beast ♪

[MATADOR MUSIC PLAYING]

Don't you worry about a thing,
Miss Annie Sue.

I got the fastest draw in the West.

-You wanna see it?
-Yeah!

[g*n FIRES]

You wanna see it again?

♪ Once there was a drought
That spread all over Texas ♪

♪ So to sunny California he did go ♪

♪ And though the gag is kinda corny
He brought rain from Californey ♪

♪ That's the way we got
The Gulf of Mexico ♪

♪ Sing that song ♪

♪ Yippee-i-ay-i-ya, yippee-i-o ♪

♪ For the toughest critter
West of the Alamo ♪

♪ Once a band of rustlers
Stole a herd of cattle ♪

♪ But they didn't know
The herd they stole was Bill's ♪

♪ When he caught them crooked villains
He knocked out all their fillins ♪

♪ That is why there's gold
In them there hills ♪

♪ So yippee-i-ay-i-ya, yippee-i-o ♪

♪ For the toughest critter
West of the Alamo ♪

[SPITTOON CLANGING MUSICALLY]

♪ Pecos lost his way
While traveling 'cross the desert ♪

♪ It was 90 miles
Across the burning sand ♪

♪ He knew he'd never reach the border
If he didn't get some water ♪

♪ So he got a stick
And dug the Rio Grande ♪

♪ Water! ♪

♪ Yippee-i-ay-i-ya, yippee-i-o ♪

♪ For the toughest critter
West of the Alamo ♪

♪ While a tribe of painted redskins
Did a w*r dance ♪

♪ Pecos started sh**ting up
Their little game ♪

♪ He gave those redskins such a shake-up
That they jumped out of their makeup ♪

♪ That's the way
The Painted Desert got its name ♪

♪ Hey, yippee-i-ay-i-ya, yippee-i-o ♪

♪ For the toughest critter
West of the Alamo ♪

♪ Once he roped a raging cyclone
Out of nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere! ♪

♪ And he straddled it
And settled down with ease ♪

♪ With ease! ♪

♪ While the cyclone bucked and flitted
Pecos rolled a smoke and lit it ♪

♪ And he tamed that ornery wind
Down to a breeze ♪

♪ So yippee-i-ay-i-ya, yippee-i-o ♪

♪ For the toughest critter
West of the Alamo ♪

♪ So yippee-i-ay-i-ya, yippee-i-o ♪

-♪ For the toughest critter west ♪
-♪ West! ♪

♪ Of the Alamo ♪

[g*ns f*ring]

Okay, it looks like it's about time

to head back to the old corral here
on The Muppet Show.

But before we go,
let us bring back our terrific guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, Wally Boag! Yeah!

That was wonderful, Wally.
But I'm sorry about your teeth.

-Just send us your dentist bill.
-No problem.

I grow them back real fast, Kermit.

Wally, how do you do that?

Oh, watch this.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

[CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

You know that Wally Boag
is a multi-millionaire.

Oh? Where'd he get his money?

The tooth fairy!