05x22 - Buddy Rich

[bunniefuu]

[SNORING]

Ahem. Wake up! The British are coming!
The British are coming!

Huh? Ah, ah!

-Who are you?
-I'm Marty Feldman.

I'm British. I'm coming.

Can I bring Loretta in?

Oh, sure. She your wife?

Well, give us a chance. We've hardly met.

Come on in, girl.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

There. Come round the door there.
Kermit sent her for me.

Oh, yes. Have any trouble?

Well, yes. You see,
I forgot these things run on water,

so, uh, I had her filled up with petrol.

That's terrible.

[BURPING]

Well, it's improved her breath.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Marty Feldman.

[CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HONKS]

[MYSTERIOUS EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you, thank you,
thank you and thank you.

And welcome again to The Muppet Show,

where we're going to devote
the entire evening to The Arabian Nights.

[GONG SOUNDING]

As a special treat,
our guest star, ladies and gentlemen,

is the ever-popular Marty Feldman.

Yes! And so, without further ado,
let the story begin.

KERMIT: Once upon a time,
there was an evil caliph

who had a thousand wives.

[HUMMING UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

Every night, he would ask one of his wives
to tell him a bedtime story.

If he didn't like the story,
he would chop off her head.

Ooh.

KERMIT: One night, a beautiful princess
named Scheherazade came to his harem.

I am the beautiful princess Scheherazade.

Well, this is a fantasy.
I mean, you've gotta use your imagination.

Oh, mighty caliph,

I dance attendance upon your every whim.

Would you like me to, uh,
shake it about a bit?

[JINGLING]

Or would you prefer...

a bedtime story?

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

...beddy-bye.

Uh, could I have that again?

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

...beddy-bye story.

Uh, a bedtime story?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Okay.

I suppose you want
the usual trashy "Three Bears"

or something like that.

No, no, no.

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

..."Sinbad"...

[CONTINUES SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

"Zinbad the Veeking"?

Yeah, yeah.

"Sinbad the Sailor"?

-Yeah, yeah.
-Ah, ha.

-You don't want that old rubbish.
-Oh, yeah.

You do want that old rubbish. All right.

It's gonna be a long Arabian night, folks.

Once upon a time,
Sinbad the Veeking and his crew

sailed to an island far, far, far away

into another set.

Aha! This cave, men,
contains the treasure of King Solomon.

CREW:
Ooh.

Gosh, Captain Sinbad, I'm scared.

What if there's an evil genie
guarding the treasure?

Don't be silly.
There's no such thing as evil genies.

[ROARING]

On the other hand, you might be right.

Okay, little froggies,
I'm gonna eat you up.

No, no, no! You can't do that!

You'd be making a big mistake
because us frogs taste terrible.

Oh, right, right.

Even with lots of ketchup?

-Even with lots of ketchup. Right, men?
-CREW: Yeah.

Have I ever been accused
of good taste, men?

-CREW: No. No.
-See?

Oh, you're lucky I got no ketchup.

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

...ketchup, hmm?

Oh, no, you see,
this all happened a thousand years ago.

-It's too late.
-Oh.

Ah, mate, don't worry.

I mean, it looks very good, though.
Very good.

1965. That was a very good year
for tomatoes. Cheers.

Mmm.

You'll be titillated by its presumption
but a little angry at its arrogance.

Can we get on with it?

-If you feel you absolutely have to, yeah.
-KERMIT: Thank you.

Hey, why are you guarding
this treasure, anyway?

Well, you see, there's this guy,
Sinbad the Sailor.

[CREW GASPS]

Yeah, well, anyway,
he goes around stealing treasure.

What's your name, anyway?

Uh, well, it's, uh, ahem, uh, Sinbad.

What?!

But it's not Sinbad the Sailor!
It's Sinbad the Surfer.

-Sinbad the Surfer?
-Mm-hmm.

You expect me to believe that?

Sure. Hit it, guys.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT SURF-ROCK MUSIC]

-♪ If everybody had an ocean ♪
-CREW: ♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Across the U.S.A. ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Then everybody'd be surfin' ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Like Californ-ai-eh ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ You'd see 'em wearing baggies ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Huarache sandals too ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ A bushy, bushy blond hairdo ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Surfin' U.S.A. ♪

-♪ You'll catch 'em surfin' at Del Mar ♪
-♪ Inside, outside, U.S.A. ♪

-♪ Ventura County line ♪
-♪ Inside, outside, U.S.A. ♪

-♪ Santa Cruz and Trestles ♪
-♪ Inside, outside, U.S.A. ♪

-♪ Australia's Narrabeen ♪
-♪ Inside, outside, U.S.A. ♪

-♪ All over Manhattan ♪
-♪ Inside, outside, U.S.A. ♪

-♪ And down Doheny way ♪
-♪ Inside, outside ♪

♪ Everybody's gone surfin' ♪

♪ Surfin' U.S.A. ♪

[BLOWING]

♪ Everybody's gone surfin' ♪

♪ Surfin' U.S.A. ♪

♪ Everybody's gone surfin' ♪

♪ Surfin' U.S.A. ♪

♪ Everybody's gone surfin' ♪

♪ Surfin' U.S.A. ♪

Yeah!

I don't think that was Sinbad.

No, but it was certainly sung bad.

-Hey, terrific number, guys.
-Oh, thank you.

-Hang 10.
-Pardon?

Surfing expression.

Not to frogs. Frogs don't have 10 toes.
We got flippers.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Hang...

two.

Yeesh. Uh, Marty. Hey, listen.
Can you tell us about this next story?

Because I need to know for props
and casting.

It's very simple.

All you need is a magic lamp
and someone to play the part of Aladdin.

Oh, Aladdin. Oh, I love it. I love it.
What's the name of the story?

[SIGHS]

-Is, uh, he with the show?
-Mm-hmm.

It's called
"Goldilocks and the Four Bears."

Four? No, no, no,
that's one bear too many.

Exactly.

Oh. I get it.

Uh, sorry, Fozzie.

It's tough on him now,
but the audience will thank me later on.

Who's playing the part of Aladdin?
Easy part.

All you have to do is rub the lamp,
make a few wishes.

How about me?

What do you think?

Well, he could certainly use a few wishes.

Excuse me, I've gotta get back on-stage.

Wasn't that sensational?

Wasn't that great?
That was the best story--

[SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

I have got a better one. Much better one.

How about "Aladdin and His Magic Lamp"?

"Aladdin and His Magic Lamp."

[IMITATES CALIPH]

-You like that?
-Mmm, yeah.

All right.

-Once upon a time...
-Mm-hmm.

...there was a lad called--

There was a lad called Aladdin,
and he had a magic lamp.

A thousand and one nights,
and I have to pick this one.

Wow. What a terrific lamp.

I'll bet with a little polish,
I could resell it for mucho dinero.

[SINGSONG]
I'm rubbing the lamp.

MALE VOICE [SINGSONG]:
I didn't feel it.

[SCREAMS]

I am the Genie.

[ALADDIN GASPS]

With the light brown bear. Ha-ha-ha.

GENIE:
Magic lamp.

I just granted myself a wish.
You won't see him again.

Now, Aladdin, young master,
what is your first wish?

How about a nose job?

Of course not.

I wanna become a sultan
with a harem of dancing girls.

You're not as weird as I thought.

-Very special dancing girls.
-Uh-huh.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

[BOTH LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

I take it back. You're even weirder.

Then let it be so, then, ahhh, so be it.

Magic lamp.

Wow, this is terrific.
Bring on the dancing girls.

[BAND PLAYING SULTRY EXOTIC MUSIC]

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Who loves ya?

[BAND PLAYING KOOKY EXOTIC MUSIC]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chickens! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Chickens! Ah!

Chickens! Chickens!

[LAUGHING]

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Be still, my heart.

[BAND PLAYING MYSTERIOUS EXOTIC MUSIC]

♪ One fine day I chanced to stray
Down a little side street in old Bombay ♪

♪ And met a sentimental Oriental ♪

♪ She saw me and I saw she
Had a manner too bold and much too free ♪

♪ Her eyes were positively detrimental ♪

♪ When I asked about this gay coquette ♪

♪ I discovered, much to my regret ♪

MAN & CHORUS: ♪ She's the girlfriend
Of the whirling dervish ♪

♪ She's the sweetest one he's found ♪

♪ But every night
In the mellow moonlight ♪

♪ While he's out dervishing
With all his might ♪

♪ She gives him the runaround ♪

♪ All the boy friends
Of the whirling dervish ♪

♪ Are his best friends to his face ♪

♪ But there's no doubt when he isn't about
They all come hurrying to take her out ♪

♪ She leads him a dizzy pace ♪

[IN SHRILL VOICE]
♪ He dreams of a Hindu honeymoon ♪

MAN & CHORUS: ♪ He doesn't dream that
Every night when he goes out ♪

♪ To make an honest rupee ♪

♪ She steps out to make a lot of whoopee ♪

Whoopee! Whoopee! Whoopee!

MAN & CHORUS: ♪ Oh, the love song
Of the whirling dervish ♪

♪ Has a sweet and tender sound ♪

♪ But will he burn
If he ever should learn ♪

♪ That while he's doing her
A real good turn ♪

♪ I give him the runaround ♪

♪ She's got a nervish
Throwing him a curvish ♪

♪ Which, of course, he doesn't deservish ♪

MAN & CHORUS:
♪ Poor old whirling dervish ♪

Couldn't watch that. Made me dizzy.
How about you?

[GROANS]

[THUD]

Oh, Kermit, I am so pleased.

We finally have a distinguished
British guest artiste on the show.

-Mmm.
-Hello, cheeky-face.

What was that?

Oh, that was our distinguished
British guest artiste.

-Hey, Marty.
-MARTY: Yeah, Kermit?

Say hello to Sam Eagle here.

-Oh, yes. How do you do?
-Don't touch me.

Sam. Now, Marty's doing a great job
with the Arabian Nights stories.

The Arabian Nights? Oh.
Well, yes, the passion, the poetry...

Well, the poetry, at any rate.

I'm glad you like The Arabian Nights,
because we're in the next one together.

Uch. Not I. I do not perform.

You see this sax? I'm appealing to you.

Sax appeal.

[LAUGHS]

It's humiliating for an artist
of my stature to do jokes like this.

Never mind.

Uh... All right. As long as it's cultural.

Uh, what is this Arabian Nights story?

"The Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk."

"Dashes in, takes provocative pose."

And now another exciting story:
"The Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk."

"De Reet Brooders at Kitty Hoo"?

That's even better, yes.

[SHOUTS IN GIBBERISH]

Our scene changes to a patent office
at the turn of the century.

Ahem. "A patent office
at the turn of the century.

Behind the desk..."

This is the desk.

"...sits the stooge."

Ah, that'll be him.

"No, the stooge is you."

[BEADS RATTLING]

WRIGHT:
Bang, bang.

Thud. Wallop. Knock, knock, knock.
Wallop. Thud.

-Kick. Ow.
-Come in.

I wish to patent an invention.

Certainly. Chair?

The chair?
The chair's already been invented.

You have one, look.
In perfect working order.

Would you get on with it?

I have invented the flying carpet.

"Under whose name
is this invention to be patented?"

Wilbur and Orville Wright.

Oh. Well, um...

-Which one are you?
-Oh, that is me.

You are Wilbur and Orville Wright.

Exactly. You see,
my mother wanted twins, identical ones.

That's why I look so alike.

-Uh, Mr. Wright.
-"Messieurs," if you don't mind.

-Messieurs.
-Call me Wilbur.

-All right, Wilbur.
-And Orville.

[SIGHS]

This invention of yours
had better be good.

Just feast your eyes upon this thing.

That is an aeroplane.

Of course it is.

Well, where is the flying carpet?

Inside the airplane, on the floor.
You see?

What is the point of that?

Oh, you may scoff now,

but someday people will be able
to pick up one of these

and speak to someone
on the other side of the Atlantic.

"Hello, the other side of the Atlantic,"
they'll say.

This is the police.
You're both under arrest.

Well, why me?

No, no, not you. Just these two.

Wilbur and Orville Wright,
I arrest you for fraud.

And I cite as an example
elastic-waisted underpants...

[GASPS]

...patented by you under the description
"the internal combustion engine."

[PHONE RINGS]

I'll get it. Hello?

It's for you, darling.

Uh, hello?

[g*nsh*t]

This is getting completely out of hand.
Get me the real police number.

"Real Police" number,
onstage immediately.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

♪ Oh, when coming round the corner ♪

♪ I heard somebody say ♪

♪ "Here comes the fat old policeman ♪

♪ Look, here he comes this way ♪

♪ His laughter is so jolly
He's just a great big clown ♪

♪ And everybody says he is
The happiest man in town," oh ♪

ALL: ♪ Yah ha-ha-ha ha-ha
Yah ha-ha-ha ha ♪

♪ Yah ha-ha-ha ha-ha
Yah ha-ha-ha ha ♪

♪ Yah ha-ha-ha ha-ha
Yah ha-ha-ha ha ♪

♪ Yah ha-ha-ha ha-ha
Yah ha-ha-ha ha ♪

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

And so they lived happily ever after.

Wasn't that a terrific story, eh?

[SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

Yeah, I hated it too.

Actually, I've been saving the best one
for last.

-Huh?
-Yes.

"Ali Baba."

Ooh! "Ali Boo-Boo"!

"Ali Boo-Boo." "Ali Boo-Boo," yes.
I knew you'd like that, yeah.

"Ali Boo-Boo and the Four Thieves," yes.

Huh? No, no, no.
No four thieves, 40 thieves.

Ah, well, there were supposed
to be 40 thieves,

but Kermit told me
that they had, uh, budget problems.

They said that they spent all the money
hiring this costume from Bette Midler.

Excuse me, Marty.
One of your thieves went home sick.

Oh, terrific. Marvelous. Bloody wonderful.

All right,
"Ali Baba and the Three Thieves."

They wouldn't dare do this
to Liza Minnelli.

Once, long ago, there lived a poor
but honest woodcutter named Ali Baba.

He was known as the most handsome lad
in all the world.

Ha, ha, you are my kind of narrator,
Feldman.

SCHEHERAZADE:
Thank you.

And one day,
while Ali Baba was in the forest,

something strange was heard approaching.

[LEAVES RUSTLING]

Oh, oh! We'd better hide.

Yeah, these woods are full of thieves.

SCHEHERAZADE:
And so they hid, which was just as well,

because suddenly,
out of the forest came...

The Three Bears. Ha-ha-ha.

Come on, guys.

Hey. You are not thieves.

Well, no, we're bears.

Does this mean we're gonna have to listen
to a lot of dumb porridge jokes?

What porridge?
We are looking for a straw house.

No, no, that's the Three Pigs.

Pigs? You want us to be pigs?

Well, you just said
you wanted us to be thieves.

Yeah, thieves, thieves. Big tough thieves.

"Big tough thieves." All right, okay.
Let's go back, guys. Cue us again.

All right, we'll start over.

SCHEHERAZADE: Ali Baba--
BOTH: Aaah!

-SCHEHERAZADE: What's wrong?
-Nothing. We forgot you were there.

SCHEHERAZADE:
Sorry. Ahem.

One day, while he was in the forest,
something strange was heard approaching.

[LEAVES RUSTLING]

Oh, we better hide.

Yeah, these woods are full of thieves!

♪ Dum da-dum dum! ♪

Hey, ha-ha-ha.

All right, thieves,

that was some swell jewel heist
we just pulled off, eh?

You betcha, Big Fozz.

Therefore, we will now retire
to our hideout cave and count the loot.

Open sesame!

Ah-ha-ha.

BEAR:
We're with you, Big Fozz.

This story is a mess.
It couldn't get worse.

Hi, I'm Goldilocks.
You guys seen my bears?

It just got worse.

Hey, Kermit? Kermit? Anybody?

-Hey, it's going great out there.
-Fozzie, who you talking to?

I'm trying to find Kermit.
Where is everybody?

Everybody's outside in the alley.
We're heating up the oil for "Ali Baba."

Oh? Why do we need hot oil?

Because the thieves get cooked in it.

The thieves get cooked in it?!

Yup.

Um...

when does this happen?

Um, just before the closing number.

Uh-huh.
Well, there's only one thing to do.

[YELLS]

Okay, hit it, boys.
This is the closing number.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ When you hear
Them bells go ding-a-ling ♪

♪ All join round
And sweetly you must sing ♪

♪ And when the verse is through
Then the chorus all join in ♪

ALL: ♪ There'll be a hot time
In the old town tonight ♪

Now, we need more people, a bigger finale.

All right, open sesame.

ALL: ♪ When you hear
Them bells go ding-a-ling ♪

♪ All join round
And sweetly you must sing ♪

♪ And when the verse is through
Then the chorus all join in ♪

♪ There'll be a hot time
In the old town tonight ♪

All right, one more time.

ALL: ♪ When you hear
Them bells go ding-a-ling ♪

♪ All join round
And sweetly you must sing ♪

♪ And when the verse is through
Then the chorus all join in ♪

♪ There'll be a hot time
In the old town tonight ♪

♪ There'll be a hot time
In the old town ♪

All join in!

ALL: ♪ There'll be a hot time
In the old town ♪

All join in!

ALL: ♪ There'll be a hot time
In the old town tonight ♪

[ALL CHATTERING]

So we come to the end of another one,

and I know what you're thinking,
and I didn't understand it either.

But one of the good parts was
our guest star, the master of nuttiness...

Are you changed yet?

MARTY:
Yes, but I think I'll recover.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Marty Feldman! Yay!

-Let's hear it for us. Yes!
-Wow! Yes!

Hey, Kermit. Kermit, Kermit, thank you.

The big thing on this show for me
has been meeting my favorite Muppet...

Oh, thank you.

...Cookie Monster.

[LAUGHS]

Hi, Marty.

I don't know what it is about him,
but there's something...

Well, whatever it is,

we've never had anyone make
such an impression on our entire cast.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

Bye-bye.

Yes. Hi, Cookie. I'm The Great Gonzo.

You know him? You know him?

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

How should we know
how to get to Sesame Street?

We don't even know how
to get out of this stupid theater box.