04x02 - Ninth Grade Man

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Wonder Years". Aired: January 1988 to May 1993.*
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04x02 - Ninth Grade Man

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ What would you do
if I sang out of tune? ♪

♪ Would you stand up
and walk out on me? ♪

♪ Lend me your ears,
and I'll sing you a song ♪

♪ I will try not to
sing out of key, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, baby, I get by ♪
- ♪ by with a little help
from my friends ♪

-♪ All I need is my buddies ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ♪ - ♪
try with a little help from my friends ♪

-♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa ♪

-♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

-♪ Somebody who
knows quite sure ♪

♪ Baby ♪

-♪ By with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Said I'm gonna make
it with my friends ♪

-♪ Try with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Oh, I'm gonna
keep on trying ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep on
trying now, baby ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

-Once upon a time
life was simple,

Evolutionarily speaking.

Then...

Things began to change.

The competition got tougher.

There were winners...

And losers.

The struggle continued.

Then in the fall of 1970, a
new creature appeared,

The likes of which had
never been seen before.

[Strauss' "thus spoke zarathustra"
plays] noble, upright, virtuous...

9Th-grade man...

Master of all he surveyed.

Which in this case
was woody's pizza barn,

Where the elite went to meet.

Yep, by the last week of summer,

I was feeling pretty
good about myself.

Life seemed full of promise,

Full of hope,

Full of...

-Patchy dry spots.

I'm getting patchy dry spots.

-Relax, paul.

You're just having
back-to-school jitters.

By tomorrow, you'll be fine.

-Sure.

Only...

What if something goes wrong?

What if I wear the
wrong clothes?

What if I forget...

-Paul!

-I gotta go put
on some ointment.

-Okay, so not everyone
shared my sense of well-being.

That was understandable.

Not everyone had a
steady girl like mine...

Winnie cooper.

So long as we had each
other, we had nothing to fear.

-I'm scared.

-What?

-Well, I am.

-Winnie, stop worrying.
Everybody's gonna like ya.

-That's easy for you to say.

You're not starting
in a new school.

All the strange classrooms.

The strange people.

And you'll be so far away.

You won't forget
about me, will you?

-What?!

-Will you think about me?

-Of course I'll think about you.

-Think about me every
hour, on the hour.

And I'll think about you.

-Winnie...

-Promise? Every hour?

-[Sighs] I promise.

-Sure. I'd promise
her the world.

Why not? I was 9th-grade man.

And I was ready... For anything.

-This is mine.

-Make that almost anything.

-Tony?

-Barbella?

-Welcome back.

-I thought he graduated.

-I graduate every year.

-Oh.

-And this is my locker.

-Great.

Three minutes into the new year,

And the first face I see

Belongs on the wall
at the post office.

Still, I could handle this.

-No. I-i-i don't think so, tony.

See, that's your locker.

Over there.

Remember?

-Oh. Yeah.

-Yeah.

-There. Simple
reasoning. Solid logic.

-So, I guess I got two now, huh?

Lucky me.

-Yeah, but...

-Do you think you
could deal with that?

Because if you can't,

I'm gonna have to
take your thumb

And bend it back to your elbow.

-Seemed tony had
a logic of his own.

-Help yourself.

-After all, no sense letting
one gorilla ruin my whole day.

[School bell rings]

I had places to
go, things to do,

Lockers to find...

People to meet.

-This is my locker.

-Becky! Hi!

-Becky slater...
Once my nemesis,

But now just a good friend.

-I hate you, kevin!

-What? Why?

-As if you didn't know.

- But...
- Don't play dumb with me, kevin.

You introduced us.

-And that answered that.

With just one little question...

-What's she talking about?

-Craig hobson.

Didn't you hear?

He dumped her.

Then he left for
m*llitary school.

[Locker slams]

-This is your fault!

But I don't get mad.

I get even!

-Kind a like having your own
personal welcome wagon

Waiting at the door.

-I pledge allegiance to the flag

Of the united
states of america...

-Okay, so things were
starting off a little bumpy.

I wasn't worried.

I had more important
things to do...
- One nation under god...

- Like think about winnie.

- With liberty and
justice for all.

-Yep, in two minutes,
she'd be thinking about me.

Poor kid, all alone
at a new school.

I can only hope someone
would be nice enough to say...

[Chimes tinkle]

Huh-uh-uh...

Uh-huh-huh...

Huh-unnnnh!

[Pencil rattles]

Gulp!

-Excuse me.

You, uh...

D-dropped this.

And i... Uh,

Um...

Uh, pick... Picked it up.

For you.

-Thank you.

-K-kevin.

[Electricity buzzes]

-Fact... Lead
conducts electricity.

[Buzzing continues]

-I wonder if you could help me.

Is this class on the
other side of the quad?

-Uh...

Y-yeah.

Yeah... Yeah, just...
Down and to the left.

-Thank you.

-You bet.

[School bell rings]

[Indistinct talking]

Darn it!

-Okay, so I dropped the ball.

Just being hospitable.

Winnie would understand.

-I don't understand this!

-Huh?

-My schedule!

Look what they gave me.

Chemistry!

-So, what's wrong with that?

-Are you kidding?

You know what happens
when I get near chemicals.

I'm allergic to soap!

-[Sighs] paul...

-I knew this year was
gonna be a disaster.

Well, what'd you get?

-Uh, let me see.

-I bet you got something neat,

Like astronomy, or physics!

-Sure, something
neat, like, say...

[Power saw buzzing]
industrial arts?

Shop?!

[Hammering]

It was encouraging to
know the board of education

Had such confidence in
my intellectual prowess.

-Hey.

Hey, don't stand
next to that machine.

-What?

Why?

-That baby ate ray
spike's index finger.

It's kind of a shrine.

You're new here, aren't ya?

-Yeah. But it's a mistake.

-[Chuckles] that's
what they all say.

-No. Really.

See, there's been a
mistake on my schedule.

-If it had been a blueprint,

This kid might have
been able to read it.

But since it was in english,

It was pretty obvious
he didn't have a clue.

-Is there a teacher here?

-Ah, yeah, nestor.

But, uh, you don't
want to talk to nestor.

-Of course I did.

After all, he was a teacher,

An employee of the
public-school system.

-Where is he?

-Over there.

-All right! Let's go!

I got it.

[Students cheering]

It's up.

[Grunts]

It's clear!

[Grunts]

[Students cheering]

All right, bulletheads.
Get back to it.

-Uh, mr. Nestor?

-Yo!

-Hi. I'm kevin arnold.

- That so?
- Yeah.

I was wondering if I could
speak to you about my schedule?

-Schedule? Huh?

[Clatter]
- uh...

Yes, sir. About this class?!

-This class? Huh?

-Well, I think possibly
there's been a mistake!

-Mistake?! Huh?!

-Okay. So far, so good...

So far as I could tell.

-Yeah. Well...

The fact is, I'm not very
good in industrial arts!

I think I'd be better
at something like, uh,

Chemistry, or, uh...

-Masha!

Your eyes!

Watch your eyes!

Bullethead.

Oh, where were we?

-Well, as silly as it sounds,

Uh, I think they've
got the wrong arnold.

-Wrong arnold?

Huh?!

-Uh, right.

So...

-Ferber, no, no.

Not the screwdriver. The chisel.

Idiot.

So you want out? Is that it?

-Kinda.

I mean, if that'd be
all right with you.

-Okay.

I'll let you out.

- [Sighs]
- there. Finally!

-There's only one thing, though.

You gotta arm-wrestle me for it.

-Uh-huh.

Things were starting
off with a bang.

And it wasn't even lunch yet.

If misery loves company...

-I tell you, kev, this is great!

- I was hanging out
with the wrong guy.

-Chemistry is such a
fascinating science.

The wonder of water.
The mystery of fire.

-Uh-huh.

Not to mention the
remains of ray spike's finger.

-If fact, even that
seemingly ordinary fish stick

Is in reality a miraculous
latticework of...

-Paul.

-Huh?

-Will you cut it out?
I'm trying to eat here!

-Well, sorry.

-[Sighs]

I need a locker.

-Well, there's got to be
an empty one somewhere.

-I know.

Maybe I could share yours.

-Mine?

-Yeah, sure. Why not?

-Well, i-i guess I can
make some room...

-Great.

- In the back, in the corner.

Exactly how long are
you gonna be staying?

-[Sighs] never mind.

-Come on, kev.
I-it's not so bad.

Things will work out.

-Yeah, that's easy
for you to say.

-Still, maybe paul had a point.

The day was only half over.

Maybe it was just a matter
of seeing the glass half full...

Or half empty.

Or completely empty.

-I hate men.

-Répétez après moi!

Bonjour, la classe!

-Bonjour, madame.

-Bonjour, la classe.

-Bonjour, madame.

-Now, here was
something hopeful.

Shop was foreign to me.

French was simply a
language I didn't understand.

-Bonjour, madame.

-Class, this year we're
going to try something new.

From now on, we're only
going to speak en français.

C'est bien?

[Scattered groans]

All right. Who would
like to go first?

Guillaume.

Comment allez-vous aujourd'hui?

-Frère jacques?


[Laughter]

-[Chuckles]

-Uh-huh. Things were
getting back to normal.

And I wasn't gonna miss

My 1:00 "think about
winnie" promise.

-Mademoiselle.

Dites-moi votre
nom, s'il vous plaît.

-Je m'appelle madeleine.

-C'est excellent, mademoiselle.

-Merci beaucoup.

-[Speaking french]

-[Speaking french]

-And suddenly I understood

Why french was the
language of diplomacy,

Of poetry, of romance, of...

Amore!

Suddenly I understood
every single word.

-[Speaking french]

-[Speaking french]

-Hey, it was the only
thing I knew in french.

-Kevin.

-Madeline.

-Kevin!

[Children snickering]

En français, s'il vous plaît!

[Laughter]

[School bell rings]

-Darn it!

This much was clear...
In any language...

I needed help.

I had to take action,
seek answers.

-Come in.

-Yep, this is what I needed...

A man of wisdom,
a man of vision,

A man...

Who taught gym.

-Ah, arnold.

-Mr. Cutlip?

-What can I do for you?

-I, uh...

I came to see the
guidance counselor.

Is he in?

-Mrs. Dalla betta is the
regular guidance man.

I'm just filling in.

Temporarily.

Till december.

Can it wait?

-W-well... Um...

-Relax, arnold.

Take a load off.

Have a seat.

Right.

I understand your hesitation.

You're thinking, "ed cutlip,

"A cr*ck physical
education instructor.

What's a man of action like
him doing in a... Swivel chair?"

Am I right?

-Well...

-Unusual?

Maybe.

Unexpected?

Certainly.

But think of it
this way, arnold.

There might be more in
this old bean... [Tink, tink]

Than meets the eye.

Maybe I can even help.

-And the way he said
it, for one moment,

I actually wondered
if he could help.

-Peanut?

-No.

No. Thanks.

-Come on, son. What is it?

-[Sighs]

It's 9th grade.

-Ah.

-It's not turning out the
way I thought it would.

I-i don't have a locker,

And my classes
are all wrong and...

-I see.

-You do?

-It's a complex problem,
but there's a simple solution.

-There is?

-Maybe I had him wrong.

Maybe there was more to
ed cutlip than met the eye.

-So, what do we do now?

-Laps!

[Whistle blows]

-Well, think of it this way.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

The way this day was going,

I was probably
better off being alone.

And suddenly I knew
what custer felt like.

Great... Sitting bull herself.

And she was gaining on me.

Instinctively I knew... This
was a challenge, a test...

And I was up to it.

-[Panting]

-Sure, it was dumb,

But at that moment,
all I knew was...

I had to win.

[Girls cheering]

I pulled up even.

I pulled ahead.

[Cheering]

As we rounded that final
turn, I felt like I had wings.

Sure, maybe I
couldn't find a locker.

Maybe I was stuck in shop.

But I was gonna b*at this girl.

I was gonna win this race.

This was gonna be a m*ssacre.

[Strauss' "thus spoke
zarathustra" plays]

Heh heh.

No hard feelings, huh, slates?

-Ugh!

Ugh. Ohh.

[Breathing heavily]

-And that about did it.

The perfect end
to a perfect day.

-Kevin?

[Chimes tinkling]

-Madeline?

-She'd seen the whole thing.

The whole humiliating episode!

-[Groans]

-It was pretty clear she'd
come over to laugh at me.

-I just came over to thank you.

-Huh?

-For being nice to me.

You don't know how hard it
is to be the new girl in school.

[Exhales]

-And then it happened.

Something inside of me snapped.

- Kev?
- Later!

-I'd had enough. I'd
been pushed too far.

And I knew what I had to do.

-Hey! Barbella!

I want my locker back.

Now!

-[Scoffs]

-9Th-grade man...

Noble, upright, virtuous.

I went into my last
year of junior high

Thinking I knew all the answers.

And suddenly all I
had were questions.

Plus a dislocated thumb.

It's funny.

I remembered a time
when I knew who I was.

But that was eight hours ago.

Suddenly I felt on
the outside, looking in.

Looking for...

Winnie.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-How was your day?

-I wanted to tell
her everything,

Every bit of it.

All the setbacks,
all the screw-ups.

-Fine.

-Heck. I knew she'd understand.

-How about yours?

-Okay.

-After all, when you're 14,

You can't always
put words to life.

-♪ Be my baby now ♪

-All I knew was...
I felt home again.

-♪ Be my, be my baby ♪

-♪ Be my little baby ♪

-♪ My one and only baby ♪

-♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

-♪ Be my, be my baby ♪

-♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

-You don't know how hard it
is to be the new girl in school.

-♪ Be my, be my baby ♪

-♪ Be my little baby ♪

-♪ My one and only baby ♪

-♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

-♪ Be my, be my baby ♪

-♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪
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