01x04 - Fire Walks With Z

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, followers.

Gossip Girl here.

Or should I say "still here"?

You thought I was a person, but I never said I was.

I'm a revolution.

And today's act of rebellion?

We know it isn't nice to reveal a lady's age, but secret sources tell us Zoya Lott is today.

Happy Birthday, Z!

May you deserve whatever you get.

In New York, there are only two ways to celebrate a birthday.

You either go big, or you don't exist.

But not to fear.

If you're leaving a voicemail...

...you obviously do not know me.

Something tells us...

...this Z-Day will live in infamy.

Because if it doesn't, then y'all ain't doing it right.

Suit up, sweeties...

and let's see who'll be the last manqué standing.

Ever wake up in the morning and feel like something needs to change?

It can be pretty exhausting, looking in the mirror each day and promising yourself, “Today I'm gonna look the best I've ever looked.”

What if who I am when I wake up is me at my best?

Starting here, starting now, I'm going clean.

Free.

Effortlessly me.

I encourage you to try the same.

God!

"Effortlessly me"?

What is this?

The new girl's Pantene ad?

Au naturel is stage four terminal.

I almost can't look.

You can needlepoint her pores!

- Oh, Jesus.

- Is everything ready for today?

Not a moment too soon.

As soon as Jules is back on top, we'll be too.

Gotta say, it's nice to see you in the daytime.

And I gotta say, it's nice to see...

...where you really live.

- Are we expecting guests?

- Good morning, Julie!

- Good Morning, Lola.

- I saw your story.

Filter-free is a new look on you, and I like it.

I have this great nude foundation from Dior.

No one would ever know you were wearing, if you wanted to go that route.

Thanks, but I think that kind of contradicts the whole "transparency" thing.

Right, right.

I can't believe they send you all this free stuff.

I hope you don't mind.

I deep-dived your Insta last night.

- Did you?

- Well, I was so curious how you got so famous.

I'm trying to do the same thing with my music, and...

Anyway, I totally forgot you were the kid who interviewed all those rock stars.

You were so cute!

I've gotta go.

Um.

Wish I wasn't meeting my friends

- at Locanda Verde before school.

- Oh, no!

- Your dad didn't say.

- Well, who can keep track?

I'll take one for the road.

Is this pumpkin?

Seasonally appropriate.

Hey.

Is this okay?

If it's too weird, I can...

Go back to hiding her in your secret apartment like Josef Fritzl?

- Point taken.

- We promised we'd try honesty.

She clearly makes you happy.

Hey, I'm thinking of you today.

I'm thinking of you too.

Hey, Z, I can't find my briefcase.

Can you check the table?

Hold up, okay?

I know the rule.

We don't celebrate until tomorrow.

But that doesn't mean we have to completely ignore...

That's exactly what it means!

Today is her day.

Not mine.

Well, this is yours.

Sadelle's, your favorite.

Had to wait in line and everything, like a tourist.

Something tells me you didn't make a wish.

Well, how's this?

I wish that today would go completely unnoticed, so that I didn't have to, yet again, be the girl whose immunocompromised mom d*ed having her.

But Gossip Girl already ruined that.

How sweet.

People wanna wish you a happy birthday.

There are bigger things going on in the world.

Like, repost some Sonya Renee Taylor instead of sending me birthday memes?

I don't even know Angelicah , or whatever a "Minka Kelly" is.

- She's...

- Look, there's only one person to blame for this.

Julien.

I'm sure your sister didn't send your birthday in to Gossip Girl.

Besides, people know.

Big deal.

It had to be Julien.

Who else would know it was my birthday?

Let me guess.

That's something bad too?

Bad stuff always happens on my birthday.

Remember that sleepover, when Bella didn't know that she had bed bugs?

This is just a reminder to sign up for trick-or-treaters on Halloween.

Today is a good day.

This day brought me you.

Best thing that ever happened to me.

Too bad it took the worst thing to do it.

Z...

Here's hoping for no surprises, no celebrations, just a normal day.

- sh*t, dude.

Overkill much?

- It's her birthday.

The only thing she should be thinking about is whether she wants to start her day with a croissant or a crepe.

Wish all problems were that easily solved.

You and Audrey?

She still doesn't know who the girl is, right?

Kinda just been avoiding each other recently.

Well, I hope that you're not feeling guilty, 'cause the only thing you did is kiss some rando girl, and she, like, f*cked someone that you know, so that's not equitable at all.

Well, I was just wondering if...

it's the first time she branched out.

Well, have you talked to her?

Have you been direct?

This is like a role reversal.

I'm giving you advice again.

- Second time for everything.

- I'm just saying, you're not gonna know until you ask her.

I'd just say don't kiss anybody else until you talk to her.

Yes.

Seriously?

Not even concealer?

I hate you for being so blessed.

Sending a posthumous thank you to your mom on this day of remembrance.

Thank you, Aud.

You can talk about you now.

Okay, so, I know that we agreed to pretend our mutual dalliances with Max never happened, but I fear it's irrevocably shifted the dynamic between Ak and me.

Really?

Sleeping with one of your mutual, best friends did that?

Fair, but for me, it isn't about Max.

Well, it is, but not in that way.

I slept with someone of the opposite sex, which is unacceptable but not abnormal.

Aki kissed a member of the same sex.

Not normal at all.

Is it possible that he's attracted to men...

Obviously he's attracted to men, Julien!

...and never told you because you use words like "normal." Fair again.

But, like, is he bi?

Is he gay?

I mean, what if all this time that we've been together, he's been hiding who he really is?

Hiding inside me?

Just ask him.

If he's gay, or bi, whatever it is, he's probably scared of how you'll react.

Just talk to him without judgment and listen to his response.

And maybe stay far away from Max till you do.

Are those crepes?

Good morning, babe.

- Um.

We love you.

- But we are appalled.

Because he never did something like this for me?

No.

Because no one wants to see anyone without a filter.

People do not click to see how similar you are to them.

They click precisely for the perverse pleasure that comes from worshipping someone they could never be or have.

I need a break from all that.

- Hmm?

- I wanna be more real,

- more honest, more vulnerable.

- Vulnerability is the disease of the masses.

Right?

You're royalty.

Strong, indestructible, unattainable.

Oh, I'm definitely that.

JC, some news.

A friend of mine at Condé says he heard they're going to offer you a slot in one of the spring Vogues, sh*t by Tyler Mitchell in a Bavarian palace or something.

- Yeah, let's grab something.

- I'm gonna get a crepe.

Film me eating it?

- Did she just turn down Vogue?

- There was no Vogue.

I just wanted to see how far gone she really was.

I can almost forgive carbs and a shiny forehead, but indifference to a fashion spread?

Okay, well, what do we... what do we do now?

All those years of work for nothing, when it could have been Suri?

It could have been Zahara.

I...

I can't end up working with my mom in biotech.

- I just can't.

- Don't worry.

The first m*ssile's already been launched.

It may even have hit already.

And then we'll be on our way.

Surprise!

I didn't know what mood you would be in, so I got a lot of stuff going on.

We got waffles, we got tacos, we got crepes.

- Happy birthday!

- This...

this is really sweet.

Uh.

Really, it's...

it's just, I don't...

I don't celebrate my birthday.

Or at least not today.

Is that, like, a... religious thing?

I mean, I just realized I never asked you.

Oh, It's... it's not something that I usually volunteer, but today is not just my birthday.

It's also the anniversary of, um...

- Of course.

- It's just...

just a weird day for me.

Yeah, I'll just get all this

- cleared out right now.

- No.

I'm...

I'm so sorry.

Hey, happy birthday...

Did you tell Gossip Girl today's my birthday?

Why would I tell Gossip Girl anything?

I just wanted to tell you happy birthday.

Today is not a happy day, Julien.

- Are you trying to f*ck with me?

- What?

No.

Of course not.

Sure.

They're like pinballs this morning.

- Clack, ding.

Clack, ding.

- Pinballs I keep draining.

You seem like you could use an Ambien.

Or an eight-ball.

This has become a full-time job.

- Between the tips from the new schools...

- That Horace Mann!

- They're still at it.

- And everyone here, constantly sending me stuff on each other.

Is that why you asked me if second cousins was incest?

It isn't.

I hope.

The only time I get to work on my lesson plans or grade papers is after they go to bed.

Which is never.

And the worst thing is that something great just fell into my lap.

Something just for me.

A friend of mine from The Writers' Workshop is an editor at The Paris Review, and they're doing an issue on undiscovered writers and she wants me to submit.

But I...

How?

When?

Why don't you let us help out, take our share of the burden?

We're all in this together, yet you never let us take the wheel.

Today is Zoya's birthday!

I mean, something is gonna happen, I can feel it.

She and Julien are fine.

I mean, not friends, but fine.

Besides, who would cause drama on a birthday?

And this was supposed to be our thing too.

Remember?

Maybe if you let us help more, it'll lessen your stress?

What's more important?

Crafting posts on privileged brats, or getting published in The Paris Review?

That was a trick question.

You know that, right?

You'll let me know if anything changes?

You have our word.

- Hey, Z, got a sec?

- Um...

I don't want to be the one to ruin your day, but in light of the fact that I'm your closest Constance confidante...

You definitely are not that.

Julien doesn't want you here.

She told us she's had enough of your "consistent, disrespectful displays

- for attention."

- I had nothing to do

- with the food trucks.

- All I'm saying, she might seem fine, but she wants things back the way they used to be.

- Which means you gone.

- I doubt that's true, Luna.

She's done something.

Something I'm somewhat responsible for.

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, okay?

I didn't know she would use it.

Use what?

- Sorry.

- Oh, hey!

I was just looking for you, actually.

Me too!

- Who are you texting?

- Uh, my mom.

Oh.

- Who are you calling?

- If you're leaving...

My mom.

- Okay, bye.

- Bye.

- Ms. Keller.

- Mr. Caparros?

You haven't received any tips on Max Wolfe the past few days, have you?

Relax.

If I was gonna out your pet project, I would've done it when Black Cube was here.

Just the usual girls and boys complaining that he's gone from breadcrumbing to outright ghosting.

Why?

He, um, owes me an essay, and he hasn't shown up to class in a week.

Let me know if you hear anything?

We will.

Hey, look, I...

I really am sorry.

I should've known better.

You don't have to apologize.

I mean, to be honest, I prefer to keep my birthday low-key.

But I still wanna celebrate you.

Maybe do a little get-together, handful of our friends, some food, music.

Your idea of a low-key solution is a party?

Right, okay, we can scratch that.

Um.

How about just dinner?

Me, you, your dad.

I'll pretend I know how to cook, and you guys can watch and laugh.

- That sounds very acceptable.

- Call your dad and ask?

Everything okay, Z?

And if so, can I call you back?

Can't really talk right now.

Dad, what's going on?

Where are you?

Nothing.

It's just, like, a client thing.

I can tell when you're lying.

Look, I really didn't want to tell you this today, honey, but someone called in an anonymous tip to the housing board, saying we're living in Grandma's apartment without her present.

Boom!

Direct hit.

Let World w*r Z commence.

- Start composing.

- I'm already on my third line.

If you post Monet's tip and Kate sees it,

- she'll take GG back.

- She's not gonna see it.

Not yet, at least.

Buys us and her some time.

Okay, so...

"This just in..."

- Say spotted, say spotted!

- I didn't spot it.

Hey, followers.

We all know there's no such thing

- as a civil w*r.

- Hmm.

That's good.

- I'm out.

- Here, let me.

Spies tell us a certain someone has drawn her own Mason-Dixon line...

...with herself on one side and her sister on the other.

But everyone knows a divide isn't enough.

You have to conquer as well.

Whoo!

Thank you.

And there's a cannon pointed in only one direction.

- Ciao!

- What's in it?

You'll find out when you hear the sirens.

Take cover, my pretties.

The glitzkrieg is coming!

I'm so turned on right now GG says Zoya's planning an att*ck on me.

But why?

What could she possibly have to use against me?

And what've I ever done that's so terrible?

You were in the "Imagine" video.

And what's this thing about drawing a line?

She actually thinks I'm trying to get her evicted?

I've only been nice to Zoya on her day.

Wished her happy birthday, acted totally fine when my ex-boyfriend filled Fifth Avenue with food trucks for her.

This att*ck is totally unwarranted.

Thing is, it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do.

She's clearly been waiting to take you down.

She must've found something to do it with.

Come on.

We've been civil.

Things have been fine between us.

Really?

Or did you just roll over and accept her stealing your man, your thunder, and your throne?

Julien, there can only be one.

I mean, how many times did that Mary person thr*aten to k*ll Queen Elizabeth before she actually cut her head off?

It's time for a show of force.

You want me to m*rder my sister?

Only socially.

Which is much worse.

- You're going to throw a party.

- When?

Tonight.

On Zoya's birthday?

JC, you've been lucky.

You've never had to be on defense, because no one's ever stood in your way.

But that changed the moment that you brought her here.

She started taking what was yours day one, and she's not going to stop till she has it all.

Send her back.

It's time.

How does throwing a party stop her from using

- whatever she has on me?

- Julien, if your party is loud enough, no one's gonna even hear the sound of the b*mb she's trying to explode.

Now, call your dad.

You're gonna ask him for a favor.

A big one.

- Hey!

- Did you see this?

Yeah, it's ridiculous.

I'm...

I'm sorry.

She's trying to get us evicted, and now she's throwing a party.

I can't believe she'd stoop so low to hurt me.

Well, let's not let her, all right?

How about a phone-free lunch?

And did you see the follow-up post?

“Special guest to be announced”?

Who's the special guest, the exhumed corpse of our mother?

Jesus, Zoya.

I take...

I take it back.

- Good.

- Let's have that party.

A big one.

- You don't really mean that.

I...

- Yes, I do.

The only reason I didn't want to before was out of respect to our mom.

So, if she doesn't care about that, why should I?

Hey, where should we have it?

- Radio City?

Governors Island?

- Zoya!

We could have people to your house.

I'll figure something out, I guess.

Hey, Aki, Obie's throwing me a party tonight.

- You should come.

- He can't.

He's going to Julien's party with me.

I can go to both.

No, you cannot go to both.

You have to choose one.

So, which party is it gonna be?

Obie's party or the girls party?

I don't have to choose.

Maybe you should choose.

Coming somewhere with me, or going somewhere with someone else.

I'm so funny.

Oh, my God.

What just happened?

Oh, Princess Nokia is playing Julien's party.

You can watch it on YouTube tomorrow.

I guess you can too.

She got Princess Nokia?

How am I supposed to compete with that?

- You don't... you don't have to.

- Easy for you to say.

Someone like you can afford a w*r.

I can't.

Who can we get to play our party?

Uh, Rihanna?

SZA?

Kamala Harris?

I'm gonna see you after school, all right?

- Hello?

- Forgive me for eavesdropping.

Sounds like you've got a problem.

I'm a great problem solver.

Um, no thank you, strange child.

I'm Milo, and I'm not a child.

I'm in eighth grade.

- Aren't you, like, seven?

- Ten.

Meet me after school?

Ew, no!

Clearly you don't know who I am.

My last name is Sparks.

Really Ivanov, but in this day and age,

- it's best to leave that out.

- Yeah, I don't know who you are, but I would like to end this conversation.

Google is your friend.

Once you use it, I will be too.

- Max, you shouldn't be in here.

- Why not?

It's the school gym and I go to the school.

Wow.

You look like sh*t.

Oh, you should see the other guys.

You know, I tried to reach you all week.

I'm sure your friends did too.

Oh, I lost my phone at The Cock.

Just slid out of my hand in the dark room and, uh...

You're not okay, are you?

That depends on where the baseline starts.

All this is 'cause of what happened

- with your dads?

- What happened with my dads?

You need to lay off the dr*gs and deal with your sh*t.

Why don't we deal with it together?

Oh, I am so overdressed for this occasion.

Oh, okay, that's how you like it?

- That makes sense.

- Max, stop!

Stop screwing around and just f*ck me already!

I know you want to.

If you don't, I'll just tell everyone

- you did anyway.

- Are you threatening me?

I don't know.

Tell you what.

Let's ask Gossip Girl what she thinks.

sh*t.

I don't have my phone!

- Go f*ck yourself, Max, okay?

- Get off me.

Heard through the grapevine that today's your birthday.

- You... you read Gossip Girl?

- Guilty as charged.

You don't seem too happy about it.

No, it's just been a long day and it's only : .

Do you wanna talk about it?

It's just my sister.

You know, since I got here, it's been this unending battle.

But I thought things were getting better?

I guess you haven't been on Instagram.

My phone d*ed.

May I?

As you can see, no more cold w*r.

It's a full-on offensive.

And...

...there's nothing I can really do to fight back, 'cause I'm outmanned.

It doesn't matter how big your battalion is.

It's what you do with it that counts.

The sad thing about this world is that people like us have to constantly prove we belong.

Honestly, I think it could be really helpful for the percent of the world to see you stand your ground.

Thank you, Kate.

I'm really glad I know you.

You blocked me!

How many pages of your story have you written?

You said nothing would happen today.

That nobody causes drama on someone's birthday.

- Have you watched Bravo?

- When you send me your story, I'll unblock you.

And not a minute sooner.

I'm doing you a favor.

My mom taught me early on that it isn't enough to go to w*r.

Wars never end.

What you need is a coup.

- Here you go, sir.

- I told you, Shiga.

Only Hawaiian papaya.

- We got her from Ivanka.

- _ She's fairly new.

Uh, you were saying?

About a coup?

Coups are the only way to really gain control.

You assassinate the leader...

...which throws everything into chaos, and during the melee, you install yourself and restore order like the savior you are.

I'm praying you're speaking metaphorically.

I can be.

What's, like, a step or ten below that?

Fine.

We can try what I like to call the "Succession." It's got simpler steps.

First, you weaken the brand you want to buy, making it ripe for takeover.

No better way to weaken an influencer than to cancel them.

Okay, but I don't wanna make anything up or... or lie.

The good thing about the internet is that you never have to.

Most people cancel themselves if you dig back far enough.

My mom would be so mad at me for taking on something this easy.

What about that Dries jumpsuit you wore to the Palais de Tokyo show?

Mm-mmm.

Hailey Bieber wore it to Erewhon.

Dead to me.

Oh!

What about this one?

That's cute.

I love it.

Any progress with Ak?

Mm, no.

He honestly thinks I'm the one who has to make a choice, which makes zero sense to me.

That's weird.

I just got a bunch of cancellations for tonight.

Something about Twitter?

What's "Calloway Cancel Party" and why is it trending?

“There is a difference between thick and fat people.”

- That tweet did not age well.

- I was !

It gets worse.

Jameela Jamil just defended you.

Princess Nokia just cancelled!

- What?

- "There's a difference between kind and cruel too."

Zoya!

Who else?

You really think she'd go that far?

I told you she's a catalyst of chaos.

What are you gonna do?

You cannot let her Kim and Kanye you and then get away with it.

You're right.

I'm done playing.

This is not just her birthday.

We both lost our mom today, and now, we're fighting over who knows what.

I should be the bigger person in all of this.

And you know what the bigger person does?

- What?

- She makes it not just about her.

- If only Aki would do the same.

- Do it for him.

Princess Nokia is playing my party tonight, and you are getting an answer from your boyfriend by showing him that you have options.

And very hot ones at that.

This is a photo of my late mother, Marion, wearing her favorite dress.

This dress and this photo are my most treasured possessions.

She d*ed years ago today, in childbirth...

You gotta be f*cking kidding me.

Tonight's party was conceived to be a charitable affair to both honor her legacy and raise funds for the Lupus Foundation of America.

She's using our dead mom to get people to go to her party?

Look, Julien can be selfish.

I mean, she has her selfish moments, but...

that is her mom too, you know?

I mean, you ever think that maybe that's how she really feels?

It's a PR stunt.

One you're falling for, of course.

All right, I get that your emotions are high today, but you don't have to let this get to you, all right?

You're Zoya.

You are cool, you are calm.

And you don't care about petty stuff

- like that.

- You don't get it, Obie.

Look, if my dad and I get evicted, we have nowhere to go.

You know?

No stockpile of money to save us.

And I don't know if we can go back to Buffalo.

Why not?

I'm not letting her destroy this.

Milo, go to phase two.

I'm ready to do whatever it takes.

Please explain why we're learning about a w*r between our daughters from assistants in our offices?

- Ask Julien.

- What?

Zoya started it.

Did Zoya put one of my friends in the awkward position of having to play a party she denounced because it is suddenly for charity?

- Nokia's still coming?

- Yes, but that is not the point.

And you, young lady.

I don't even know

- what to do with you.

- Why aren't you more mad at her?

She's the one trying to get us evicted.

No, I'm not.

I don't care about what's going on here, I just want it to end.

Between work and appealing to the housing board, this is the last thing I need.

I'm sure you feel the same way, Davis.

Completely.

This fighting is not what your mother would've wanted.

Especially not today.

Which is why we have both decided that since it's too late to cancel, this will be a joint party.

Yeah, two young women coming together to celebrate their mother.

Hey, either you do it together or you don't do it at all.

It's up to you.

- Fine.

- Fine.

I will see you tonight, Nick.

And happy birthday, Zoya.

I really thought we left this kind of trouble behind in Buffalo, Z.

So did I.

This just in.

We hear a tale...

...of two sisters may have a happy ending after all.

Word is their fathers forced a sisterly cease-fire.

But does tonight's newly-conjoined celebration signal a signed treaty, or a Trojan Horse?

Time to play truce or dare.

Oh, my God.

She spon-conned you.

She's learning, I'll give her that.

Julien, we simply must get a photo together on the step...

...and repeat that your sponsors so generously provided.

Oh, and the teachers.

So nice of you to invite them.

Nice, now get together.

- Big smile.

- Oh, love it.

- Nice stunt

- Only the best for you, sis.

Three, two, one.

What are you counting down to?

- What is it?

- They set up a GoFundMe.

"For our dear, destitute classmate, Zoya Lott's housing crisis.” If my dad sees this,

- he's gonna be humiliated.

- Look at me.

It's just noise.

Don't pay attention to it.

- You wanna go dance?

- Good thing I'm already one step ahead of her.

A step ahead?

Ugh!

I'm being att*cked by Russian bots!

You're being Venmoed for BJs, HJs, poppers, urine, your celebrity fleshlight, and "seven grams of better coke

- than the last batch." - What?

It's not the Russian bots, it's that regional bitch.

I'm so glad you're scorching her earth tonight.

- Yeah, me too.

- ♪ Body-ody-ody-ody-ody... ♪

What's going on?

The way that you're acting is...

I'm not acting.

I'm reacting.

And why aren't you mad at her?

Why isn't anyone?

God, where's Milo?

I need to find him.

♪ Body crazy, curvy, wavy Big titties, lil' waist ♪

- ♪ Body-ody-ody... ♪

- Yo!

You don't look very happy.

You must have tried a vegan cupcake.

No.

Zoya has, literally overnight, become somebody I don't even recognize.

So...

I just want this night to be over.

Seems like you do too.

What's up?

You have that talk with Audrey yet?

I'm just waiting for the right time.

Why?

♪ Three, two, one You know I'm the hottest... ♪

Might be the right time.

♪ Ain't ever gotta heat me up I'm present when I'm absent ♪

- ♪ Speaking when I'm not there ♪

- What are you doing?

Aki, have you met Ravi Solis?

He goes to Andover, but is down for the weekend to interview for an internship at The Criterion Collection.

Akeno Menzies!

I've stalked you on Instagram.

Our mums met at the last TEDSummit.

It's a pleasure.

Strong grip.

Ravi, didn't you say that your dance crew finaled on Britain's Got Talent?

Oh, I'd love to see some moves.

Aki, I trust you have something else you've chosen to occupy your time with tonight?

♪ Been gettin' these n*gg*s Through the quarantine ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm very well... ♪

I'm starving.

Thank God my dad took care of the food.

At least we know it's not Pret.

- But it is buffet.

- I lost track of Zoya, which means she's up to something.

Hey, when are you gonna give the birthday girl her birthday gift?

- When the time is right.

- Okay, well, here's our gift to you.

We contacted the videographer herself, and turns out, there's a director's cut.

- Hmm.

- And unlike most of them, this one's better.

- Amazing.

- Mm-hmm.

- ♪ Curvy, wavy Big titties, lil' waist.. ♪

- Waiter?

♪ Body crazy, curvy, wavy Big titties, lil' waist ♪

♪ Body-ody-ody-ody-ody Ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody... ♪

Thank you.

♪ Ody-ody-ody-ody The category is body ♪

♪ Look at the way it's sittin' ♪

Hey, you can head on inside.

Hold on.

Name.

Uh, Max Wolfe.

- You're not on the list.

- Cute.

I am the list, okay?

So, I'm just gonna squeeze in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

There must have been a mistake.

- What the...

- No mistake.

- f*ck!

- I called Julien's dad...

...and told him to take your name off since you'd most likely be holding.

Oh, holding?

Holding?

Who says “holding”?

Wanna check my breath?

Huh?

How many of these are you on right now?

It's not for me, okay?

It's for inside.

I'm macro-dosing some acid.

Okay, I'm on a Nemo, and I'm on a Dory, and honestly, right now you kinda...

...you kind of look like both of them.

I thought your thing was very clear boundaries.

And here you are with all of them broken.

Or is it just you that's broken?

You used to be so hot.

And now, now you're just a bad trip.

Look at that.

More than your year's salary on the sidewalk.

Two second rule I guess.

- We're getting you out of here.

- Finally, some action!

Seems like a safe space.

May I?

I'll join you.

Seltzer?

You know, if you wanna go hard, I can be your designated driver.

I've been doing it for seven years.

Well, I've never really been a "go hard" kind of guy anyway.

Also, I understand it must've been really difficult for you.

It was essential.

Are you really getting evicted?

The board's trying.

Most of the units in the building have gone co-op in the past decade.

My mom held out, but didn't tell anybody when she was hospitalized.

It sucks, but it's not entirely without cause.

We did lie about living there without my mom.

- How's she doing?

- Assisted living.

- If there's ever anything I can do to help...

- Thank you.

We're good.

You think they'll behave tonight?

Uh...

No chance.

You know, I can't say we've led by great example.

You know, I know this is crazy, but...

maybe them fighting isn't such a bad thing.

Maybe it's Marion giving us a chance to...

work our own sh*t out.

♪ If you wanna run away with me I know a galaxy ♪

- ♪ And I can take you for a ride ♪

- Where have you been?

And most importantly, what've you been doing?

Lying in wait, of course.

My plan is time-released.

What exactly is your plan?

You never told me.

You just said to stay out of the splash zone.

She's halfway to wasted.

She's not drinking anything.

She's underage.

Also, our dads are here.

She's not drinking.

She's eating.

An alcosynth that my friend, Sami, is making sure to get into everything she puts into her mouth.

Hope you don't have emetophobia, because things are gonna get pretty wet pretty soon.

♪ I need you all night Come on, dance with me ♪

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Do I need a retraining order?

- Are you drunk?

- On Dirty Lemon?

Yeah, yeah, so much.

I just thought that I could appeal to you, all right?

- Old friend to old friend.

- If you think

- we're old friends...

- Julien, come on.

Okay?

I know you.

This is not you, all right?

Things between you and Zoya were getting better,

- were they not?

- God, stop.

- I already have a dad.

- She's gonna lose her home.

I don't think that you did it, but I know you can stop it.

We're not gonna do this...

because you made your choice, and now you have to live with it.

Which is too bad, because in about ten minutes, you're gonna wish you made a different one.

♪ I need you all night Come on, dance with me ♪

♪ I'm levitating, you ♪

Hey, can I get a, uh, Mint Ju-lien?

- Told you she would show.

- And I'm glad I did.

It's been five minutes, and I've seen ten post-worthy things.

Julien and Zoya are clearly planning something big.

And is any of it on Gossip Girl?

No!

Guest of a Guest has more inside info

- and they're not even inside.

- Jesus, Kate.

This Gossip Girl thing is just, uh, a social experiment, right?

It's not our lives.

What you're supposed to be doing at home right now, that's your future, your career.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I was at home, working, but then as soon as the party started, it's all I could think about.

Next thing I knew, I was out the door and on the train, and now I'm here.

- What are you so scared of?

- Maybe her story is bad.

If Gossip Girl reported on me, you know what she'd say?

"Keller dropped out of Iowa, six months shy of her MFA."

"Like literary, great Hannah Horvath before her, she just wasn't good enough."

This, I'm good at.

This is where I'm not just read, but heard.

What if, in the end, Gossip Girl is all I'm good for?

- You're scared.

- I am.

Very.

The most.

Let's go face those fears then.

"Spotted. Wendy's got this."

♪ So put your guard up on me You know I'm with the shits ♪

♪ I put my guard up on you Girl you better quit ♪

♪ I put my guard up on you Hit you with the stick ♪

Didn't you say Princess Nokia was performing?

I didn't realize that was the main selling point for you.

I like her.

- Huh?

- Don't you?

It's okay, it's okay.

You have my consent.

Okay.

Cool.

So, what's Aki's deal?

You don't have to worry about him.

We're open.

He's not gay?

Wait.

Are you gay?

Why didn't you tell me?

I go to boarding school, and I'm on a dance crew.

But...

Look, it... it's not like you asked and... and I said no.

Really, I...

I just thought he was one of us.

Maybe he is.

I guess I have not asked him either.

♪ So I'm misunderstood The chopper go echo ♪

♪ I miss the sounds From the hood ♪

Hey.

Hi.

Are you gay?

- What?

- Are you gay?

It's okay.

Look, you can tell me.

I know I'm your girlfriend, so it might make it difficult, but I'm also the closest person to you and...

I know I haven't been the most sensitive about this.

I've just been afraid of the answer, I guess, but it's...

it's not about me.

And I've been making it about me.

Are you gay?

♪ I put my guard up on you You know that I'm the sh*t ♪

I don't know.

Julien, it's so nice to meet you!

Thank you so much for performing, Nokia.

I am your fannist big.

Oh, baby, I love to party, but I want you to drink some water, okay?

My manager told me you're gonna do a speech, and then you're gonna bring me on stage?

- Yes, doing that right now.

- Thank you, baby.

Luna?

What's got you so excited?

Milo Sparks, you're not tall enough to ride this ride.

You owe me for that time I gave Lily Rose Depp E. coli.

What gives?

Fine.

Just a little AV sitch, okay?

Julien's about to show the world Zoya's true colors, a whole rainbow of crazy.

Give me a hint?

The reason Zoya had to leave Buffalo, from Gossip Girl herself.

♪ 'Cause when we on that Other side, baby ♪

Milo, I changed...

I changed my mind.

I didn't know you had it in you.

- What are you talking about?

- Your sister's associates have a video.

Something about why you didn't invite your old friends from Buffalo tonight?

- Oh, my God.

I have to stop her.

- Where have you been?

I can't talk right now.

Your ex-girlfriend is about to ruin my f*cking life!

Huh.

Look, I thought that a one-party solution was gonna bring you guys together, but instead, you've been trying to, like, destroy her all night.

Maybe her destroying you is what you get in that bargain.

So, you expect me to wave the white flag and let her win?

Let her humiliate me

- in front of everybody that I know?

- Why do you care what anybody thinks?

Well, you didn't a month ago.

Something's changed.

You've...

- you've changed.

It's...

You're not even...

- Obie, can this wait?

Please?

Thank you!

In honor of my...

sis's th birthday, I wanted to talk a little bit about...

...the woman who really made all of this happen.

- Our mother...

- Aww!

- ...Calloway Marion.

- Oh, sh*t.

There's a lot Zoya and I never got to learn from her, but we know, from our dads and deep inside our hearts, that she was amazing.

But...

...like every person, she had two sides to her.

She was brave, brilliant, beautiful, but she wasn't always honest.

She wasn't... always good.

I mean, she left her own baby, me, to run off with another man.

Now, that reckless, irresponsible, unreliable part of my mom, I didn't inherit, thankfully.

But someone did.

And now, thanks to this video, we all get to see just how much of my mom the supposedly upstanding, righteous Zoya really got.

This school sucks!

Oh!

Oh!

Tag the chem lab!

Yeah!

This school sucks!

Here comes the director's cut.

Okay.

Oh, come on, Emma.

This isn't funny.

- Mother k*ller!

- Let me out, guys.

- This isn't funny.

Let me out.

- Hey, are you upset, mother k*ller?

- Are you upset?

- Hey, Bella...

- Open the door.

- She's gonna cry.

What are you gonna do, mother k*ller?

You gonna cry?

Let me out!

Let me out!

What is this?

- I didn't see this part.

- Let me out!

Of course she goes soft.

- What is this?

- Aww!

This isn't funny anymore!

Let me out!

- Let me out!

- I didn't see this part.

Let me out!

Mother k*ller!

k*ller!

- Okay, mother k*ller!

- Fire!

- Turn it off!

Turn it off now!

- Oh, sh*t!

Stop!

What the f*ck, Julien.

Hey, everyone.

I know that video was traumatic.

You're probably wondering why I played it.

I'm wondering that too.

I hadn't seen the whole thing, but... that's no excuse.

I just... thought that she was...

I didn't know she was being bullied, but...

I guess when you're a bully yourself, you don't see that.

Since I can't turn back the clock, the very least I can do is tell the truth.

I'm a bully.

And whether I do it to your face...

or through your phone without you realizing...

it's the same thing.

I expect you to want what I have, but not be able to get it.

So, if you try to, I'll do everything in my power to stop you.

And because I have considerable power...

I can.

But never again.

Take out your phones.

Do it.

Hit record.

I am a bully.

I bully my sister.

I bully my friends, my fans.

And I'm never gonna do it again, so long as I live.

You have this video.

Dubsmash it, DeuxMoi it.

Gossip Girl it for all it's worth.

Now...

...how about we put this pain behind us and bow down to the Princess?

She's why you're all here.

Z, I love you.

This is what your birthday was supposed to be.

Nokia.

How you doing?

Well, this is a safe space, and I don't care what's going on in your school.

We're here to have some fun.

♪ Yes I'm God's favorite flavor ♪

♪ I'm blessed And highly favored ♪

♪ He give me All the blessings ♪

♪ And them blessings Turn to paper ♪

- ♪ Money ♪

- ♪ That paper turn to money ♪

♪ Got hands That's stuck in honey ♪

♪ I'm sexy, Playboy bunny ♪

♪ I'm shining, yes, I'm sunny You don't have a fan for... ♪

Is this the best place to talk?

You've been avoiding this long enough.

Here's good.

- You've been avoiding it too.

- Avoiding what?

Was Max the only one, or have you been cheating

- on me this whole time?

- What?

Of course he's the only one.

What?

You really thought that...

No, definitely not.

Now you go.

I'm not gay!

I don't...

Maybe...

Sometimes...

I think I'm into both.

But I'm into you, and I love you, and I'm attracted to you.

I'm sorry that I slept with Max.

I'm not sorry I kissed him.

Guess that's a start.

You said you were gonna take me somewhere to ride out my trip.

- This is why I am tripping.

- I called your dads.

Roy said you haven't been home in days.

- He's worried about you.

- Roy's only my father on paper.

- That's not true.

- No.

Gideon is my biological dad.

You know, the guy that Roy screwed over, along with me?

So, you getting f*cked up is supposed to, what, teach him some kind of lesson?

That you don't care?

'Cause it's obvious

- you care a whole lot.

- Why do you care?

Because some of us don't have one dad who loves us, let alone two.

I'm sorry, I...

I, uh...

I didn't know.

Roy made a mistake, but he loves you and he's trying to fix it...

because that's what real dads do.

Don't push him away.

Let him in.

He needs you right now.

Yeah, and what do you need?

Hmm?

For you to get your sh*t together before I find someone else to care about.

♪ I'm a pretty bitch On some petty sh*t ♪

♪ So, don't try me I'm always hungry ♪

♪ Curvy when I get That munchie ♪

♪ Thick thighs On my money, hustle ♪

- ♪ It's not my fault ♪

- ♪ It's not my fault ♪

- ♪ That I'm that bitch ♪

- ♪ That I'm that bitch ♪

- ♪ So, talk that sh*t ♪

- ♪ So, talk that sh*t ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I'm still rich ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I'm still rich ♪

- ♪ It's not my fault ♪

- ♪ It's not my fault ♪

- ♪ That I'm that bitch ♪

- ♪ That I'm that bitch ♪

- ♪ So, talk that sh*t ♪

- ♪ So, talk that sh*t ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I'm still rich ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I'm still rich ♪

Last year, my best friend started hanging out with some other kids.

Guess I was no longer cool or something.

On my birthday, she told me she was sorry, to come hang out at the school.

At first, it was fun.

They just kept daring me to do stuff.

Steal a trophy, tag the walls.

I was desperate to fit in, so...

Anyway, they were just waiting to get me.

Bella had told them how our mom d*ed.

And so, they... put me in that room.

You know the rest.

And when I realized what was happening, I started to panic.

Like, really... panic.

And all I could think of was to set off the fire alarm.

You know, I don't even think I cared about if I got out of there alive or not.

'Cause they weren't wrong.

I k*lled our mom.

She had an illness.

Lupus k*lled her, not you.

No, you say that, but you don't have to live...

...with knowing that the only reason you're alive is because she's dead.

You're alive because she wanted you to be.

Because she wanted you.

I'm sorry I never thought about how much pain you were in.

I'm sorry for a lot of things, and I'll always be sorry.

Oh, well, um, I hope you'll stop soon, 'cause it's really nice to have somebody who knows what I'm going through.

That's what sisters are for, I guess.

From now on, this day is your birthday first.

That's what she would've wanted...

and that's what I want too.

I'm glad you were born, Zoya Jane.

Julien Elizabeth.

Here.

It's not too late to turn this party around.

God, I think I really f*cked things up with Obie.

- Can I tell you stuff like that?

- Yes.

Because it's true...

and we don't hide from stuff like that anymore.

All right, followers.

Time to face the music.

Looks like the w*r is finally over.

I think your girlfriend wants to dance.

If you'll excuse me, I'll go tell Luna and Monet to put their weapons down.

♪ Diggin' up old ground ♪

You didn't leave.

Well, how could I?

I'm dating the birthday girl.

For... at least another hour.

I will be very glad when this day is behind me.

I'm sorry that that happened to you.

I'm sorry too.

For how I treated you.

You only wanted to make this day special for me, and I pushed you aside.

I wasn't myself, and...

I'm grateful that I have someone like you who knows the real me.

Apology accepted.

And starting now, you're gonna get the birthday you deserve.

How about I call and get you a suite at the Greenwich Hotel for a relaxing night alone?

Twelve-hour massage, room service, whatever you want.

I've never ordered room service in my life.

Well, tonight could be the night.

♪ Step on up ♪

♪ Pay them no mind ♪

♪ You're alone with this one ♪

♪ And they're angry Well, it won't do no good ♪

Thank you.

But would you mind if I took a rain check?

There's someone I really want to spend tonight with.

But the thing about when wars end?

Nobody is ever the same again.

When the dust has settled and the smoke clears, only then can we finally face what we've done.

I did what you said.

And?

How'd it go?

He blamed me for everything.

Like it's my fault that their marriage fell apart, it's my fault he fell out of love.

None of this is your fault.

What the f*ck is wrong with me?

- Nothing is wrong with you.

- Yeah?

Well, you're probably the only person who thinks that right now.

You should go.

Yeah.

I really should.

- Max, I can't...

- Stop?

Me neither.

f*ck it.

No one returns from w*r unchanged.

We come back strangers.

Not only to those around us, but to ourselves.

So, what happens now?

I don't know, but... we'll figure it out together.

And slowly, little by little, we either remember who we used to be, or we allow ourselves to become someone new.

Hey, can I give you a ride?

I live, like, blocks from here.

I don't mind.

Who will you be, now that this is over?

I don't know about you, but since it wasn't the end of the world...

I feel fine.

Scratch that.

Better than fine.

Finally free.

Effortlessly yours...

XOXO...

Gossip Girl.