♪ What would you do
if I sang out of tune? ♪
♪ Would you stand up
and walk out on me? ♪
♪ Lend me your ears,
and I'll sing you a song ♪
♪ I will try not to
sing out of key, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, baby, I get by ♪
- ♪ by with a little help
from my friends ♪
-♪ All I need is my buddies ♪
-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪
-♪ I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ♪ - ♪
try with a little help from my friends ♪
-♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa ♪
-♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
-♪ Somebody who
knows quite sure ♪
♪ Baby ♪
-♪ By with a little
help from my friends ♪
-♪ Said I'm gonna make
it with my friends ♪
-♪ Try with a little
help from my friends ♪
-♪ Oh, I'm gonna
keep on trying ♪
-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪
♪ I'm gonna keep on
trying now, baby ♪
-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪♪
-♪ Tutti frutti, all rooty ♪
♪ Tutti frutti, all rooty ♪
-Every generation has its idols,
Guys who were our heroes,
Guys who defined "cool"...
Guys who drive chicks crazy.
[Young women screaming]
My generation produced
a ton of these guys...
The beatles...
Mick jagger, and, of course...
-♪ A-wop-bop-a-loo-mop
a-lop bam boo ♪
- Yours truly.
Okay, so I didn't
have a top-10 single.
I did have the one thing
every teen idol needs.
-[Sighs] hi.
-A fan.
Debbie pfeiffer,
paul's little sister.
Hi, debbie.
-Hi, kevin.
Hi, kevin!
-Debbie was a 7th-grader now,
And, to put it mildly,
She thought I put
the moon in the sky
And told the stars to shine.
Hi, debbie.
-Hi!
Hi, kevin!
- It was kinda
flattering, I guess.
It was also kinda... Nauseating.
And the worst thing was,
No matter how I
tried to ignore it...
-Kevin?
- It wouldn't ignore me.
Hi, debbie.
Not to seem insensitive,
But a man of my years had more
important things to think about
Than moony little girls.
- Hi!
-Things like...
-S-p-i-r-i-t!
Go... Wildcats!
S-p-i-r-i-t!
Go... Wildcats!
- School spirit.
-Go... Wildcats!
[Cheers and applause]
-[Whistles]
-Around the halls of r.f.k.,
Morale was at an all-time high.
For the guys, anyway.
Football fever was in the air.
There was, of course, a reason.
-Let's spell it out!
W-i-l...
-Make that two.
- D-c...
Dina delgado...
A name synonymous with...
- Wow!
- Wow!
- Wow!
[Cheerleaders cheering]
-Dina inspired us,
Like the statue of liberty
or the bill of rights.
-Man, I can't wait for
the game friday night!
-Friday night?
-Let's get there early so
we can sit down in front.
-It was an event
not to be missed.
Paul?
-I can't go.
- What?
- What?
-There was, of course, a reason.
-Debbie, honey, you'll be
the prettiest girl there!
-I have to take my sister
To a stupid cotillion
dance friday night.
- It's not stupid!
- Paul, we've been over this.
-Mom, she's ruining my life!
-I'd be proud to take her.
My little girl on my arm.
I do a mean fox-trot.
-Daddy!
-Alvin, she's not going to
a cotillion with her father.
She's going with her brother.
-Why can't she
find somebody else?
-'Cause there
isn't anybody else.
-Heh-heh. You almost had
to feel sorry for old pfeiff.
Still, this was a
domestic squabble.
None of my business.
At least, not yet.
-I guess I'd just
rather go with paul,
If I can't go with
somebody... Really nice
Or... Really neat.
-Uh-oh.
The president of my fan club
Was calling for a
personal appearance.
Come to think of it, so
was the whole fan club.
Time for a little good
old-fashioned diplomacy.
Come on, paul. Let's
study at my house.
Yep, the old arnold tact.
[Door slams]
-Ugh, I don't believe this.
I might as well go lie
down on the highway.
-Paul, it's not that bad.
-Are you kidding?
While you guys
are watching dina,
I'm gonna be doing the mambo
With little girls
in white gloves.
-Oh, come on. It'll be cute.
Maybe they'll do
the hokey-pokey.
-Well, if you think it's so
cute, why don't you take her?
-'Cause she's not my sister.
Nothin' like kickin' your
best friend when he's down.
Until, that is, he
kicks you back.
-You know, it'd
really make her happy.
-Paul?
-Come on.
Why not? She's crazy about you!
She'd be...
- Hang it up.
-[Sighs]
A real friend'd do it.
[Buzzer sounds]
- foul! Illegal use of a buddy.
The answer's no, okay?
-[Sighs] okay, okay.
I just thought I'd mention it.
-Well, don't!
-Okay, I won't!
-Heck, being a
pal was one thing,
But in the real world,
paldom goes just so far.
As opposed to, say, momdom.
-So, I understand you're
taking debbie pfeiffer
To her dance on friday?
-What?!
-Well, I saw ida pfeiffer
at the library today,
And she said that paul
said that you and debbie...
-Wait a minute. Paul said that?
-That's what ida said.
-The weasel.
No. Mom, you misunderstood.
See, paul's taking her, not me.
-Oh?
Oh, well, that's too bad.
-Why?
Well, debbie thinks
so much of you.
And...
-Look, mom, it's not
gonna happen, okay?
Not withstanding vicious
rumors to the contrary.
-Well, of course, honey.
It's your decision.
-Okay!
-[Sighs wistfully]
I remember my first dance.
It was the harvest moon ball.
I had a date with the
cutest boy in school...
Todd calloway.
My mother helped
me pick out my dress.
She even took me
to get my hair done.
The night of the dance,
I got all dressed up.
And I waited.
But he never arrived.
Mumps.
I was devastated.
-Now, even at 14,
I could sense the
intimacy of mom's story,
The underlying wisdom
In this fragile parable
of heartbreak and youth.
And, naturally, my
heart went out to her.
Listen, mom, I don't really
have time for this, okay?
I mean, come on.
This was a 12-year-old girl
we were talking about here.
She'd get over it.
-My poor little sister's cryin'
herself to sleep at night, kev.
-[Sighs]
-I didn't realize just how
important this dance is to her.
-Paul...
-She doesn't eat. She mopes.
Last night, she sat in the
dark listening to neil diamond.
-Ohh!
-[Sighs]
Look, let me appeal
to your better instinct.
I'll give you five bucks.
-What?!
-Okay, $10, but
that's my final offer.
Look, I know what
you're thinking,
But this isn't about dollars.
It's about something bigger.
[Snare drums play rhythm]
-And there you had it.
[Cymbals crash]
School spirit had driven paul
To the brink of petty bribery.
Paul, for the final time,
I'm not taking your
sister to the cotillion!
All right?
- All right.
- Okay?
- Okay!
[Sighs]
She's not gonna take this well.
I mean, you're gonna
have to tell her.
-Why?
-'Cause she's gonna ask you.
She was upset.
I said..."Ask him.
What's the worst
that could happen?"
-Oh, man.
I don't believe this.
But my hand had been forced.
I was gonna have
to deal with this
Right here, right now.
-Kev?
Where are you going?
-I was gonna have to
hide in the boys' room.
Heck, the kid couldn't ask
me if she couldn't find me.
Sure, maybe I'd be a
little late for class.
It was worth it.
After all, the last thing I
wanted to have to face was...
-Hi, kevin!
-Rats!
Hi, debbie.
God, that face.
Kind of like a kamikaze
pilot on her final run.
-Kevin?
I was just wondering...
See, I have this cotillion
coming up on friday,
And it would really
mean a lot to me if,
Well...
-I found myself hoping
for an earthquake,
A sudden nuclear att*ck.
But, of course, life is
never that forgiving.
-Would you go with me?
-And so, we'd arrived
at the final showdown.
Unpleasant as it might be,
it was time to break a heart.
Listen, debbie...
[Sighs]
Okay.
-Oh.
[Exhales sharply]
Oh!
Oh!
-Kinda the way elvis
might have handled it.
-So, you boys think the wildcats
have a sh*t at a good season?
-Uh... Sure. Definitely.
-By that friday night,
My ex-best friend was on his
way to cheerleader heaven.
Whereas I was on my
way to cotillion hell.
-This must be the most
beautiful corsage
Any man gave any woman.
You're so thoughtful.
-It was nothing.
And it wasn't.
I'd been shanghaied into this.
And I knew by whom.
-Do you like my earrings?
My grandma gave me these.
They're for really special
occasions, like tonight.
-Oh. Well...
-Do I look better with
my glasses on or off?
[Earring clatters]
Oops. My earring.
Excuse me!
-It was pretty obvious
This was going to
be a long, long night.
-Okay, paulorooski, this is it.
Let's get the stadium cushions
from the trunk.
- Okay, dad.
-I know it's here somewhere.
-This much was clear...
If I was gonna get
through this evening,
There was only one thing to do.
Excuse me!
I was gonna have to bail.
-Have fun, son!
-Sure, dad.
See ya.
-Ahh, kids today.
-Mr. Pfeiffer?
-Mm.
-I think we should
talk. About tonight.
-Oh, I get it.
You mean, uh, guy to guy.
-Uh, yeah.
-Kev, I think I understand
what's on your mind.
And, believe it or not,
I've been in your
same situation myself.
-At last... A man
who understood.
Maybe I could catch
up with paul before...
-And I want you to know,
I trust you with my daughter.
-You do?
-I'm proud of you, son!
- "Son"?
-Tell you what...
Here's $5,
In case you kids want to
get some ice cream later
Or something.
Show her the time
of her life, son.
"Sunrise, sunset,
swiftly flow the years."
[Car door closes]
-Kevin?
I found it.
-Oh. Good.
-Seedlings turn
overnight to sunflowers.
-I had only one option left.
If I couldn't escape,
Maybe I could just
blend in with the crowd.
[Discordant fanfare]
[Feedback]
-Miss deborah cecile pfeiffer,
escorted by kevin arnold.
[Discordant fanfare]
-No autographs. Please.
[Mid-tempo jazz music plays]
-Are you having a good time?
-Uh, yeah. Great.
Over the next hour-and-a-half,
I was starting to feel a
little like a prize heifer.
-My, what a fine catch!
-Or a 200-pound marlin.
And through it all,
Little debbie was stuck
to my side... Like glue.
-Not like that.
-Huh?
-Use the tongs, silly.
Oh, yeah. Right.
-It all looks so
beautiful, doesn't it?
I mean, I feel so lucky.
-Which she was.
Still, I'd made up my mind.
I was gonna make
the best of this,
Come hell or high
water. [Light applause]
-And now, everyone, it's time
for the sweetheart waltz.
-And then the rains came.
-And leading us off
Will be deborah
pfeiffer and kevin arnold.
[Discordant fanfare]
-See, I told you I felt lucky!
-There was just one
small problem here...
I didn't know how to waltz.
-Come on!
-So, in front of 200,000
gawking 7th-graders,
I prepared to make
a fool of myself.
[Waltz music plays]
It was humiliating.
There I was... Kevin
arnold, teen hero...
Stumbling like a lame duck
Through the single longest
waltz in recorded history.
And to make matters worse,
I was being led through
it, step by clumsy step,
By a little girl.
But at least now the
hard part was over.
Now, finally, little
debbie would realize
Her hero had two left
feet... Both of them clay.
-Kevin, you were great!
-Huh?
-Oh, kevin, this must be
The most wonderful
night of my life!
I mean, who would have thought?
You and me waltzing!
I feel just like...
Cinderella.
-That's when I knew,
once and for all,
Debbie pfeiffer's love for me...
Was blind.
-Ladies and gentlemen,
Don't forget that
souvenir pictures
Are being taken
under the trellis.
[Mid-tempo jazz music plays]
-Do you want to have
our picture taken?
-Faced with such
untarnished emotion,
Such completely
undeserved adoration,
I knew what I had to do.
I'm gonna go get some punch.
-Okay.
-Sure, maybe it was brutal,
But it was time she
faced the truth.
-Oh, decided to sit
this one out, huh?
-Yeah.
I was gonna sit this
one out, all right...
All the way out.
I sat there, angry at debbie,
Angry at paul, angry at myself.
I was tired of being
idolized, sick of being a hero.
For an instant, I'd
toyed with the idea
Of walking the
mile-and-a-half across town
To join the guys.
- Come on. He's over here.
- Let's go.
-[Grunts]
-I guess the guys
had the same idea.
-What are you guys doing here?
-[Exhales sharply]
-Bad news, kev.
-Was it the game? Did we lose?
-Worse.
-Worse?
-Paul... You had the binoculars.
You tell him.
-Well, when we
got to the game...
-And thus paul
launched into a story
That I was to hear
over and over again,
At cocktail parties
and class reunions.
A tale of woe. The subject?
-It was dina... Dina delgado...
[Snare drums play rhythm]
[Marching-band music plays]
[Cheers and applause]
[Whistle blows]
-According to paul, it
happened in mere seconds...
Something that broke
young mens' hearts
And shattered
long-held illusions.
Something slipped
from dina's sweater.
[Whistle blows]
[Cheers and applause]
And in the light of this
horrifying revelation,
A new consciousness was born,
A single undeniable truth.
-Dina delgado stuffs!
-Falsies.
-They looked so... Real!
-It was a moment of
rare understanding,
Sympathy for a dream lost.
And, of course, compassion.
-Come on. We're on our way
to t.p. Delgado's front yard.
-Compassion in junior high
being expressed in many ways.
No, no thanks.
You guys go ahead without me.
-Come on.
-As I watched my friends
head into the night,
I realized the world was
not necessarily a better place
For knowing the truth.
-Kevin?
Where'd you go?
I've been looking
all over for you.
-Uh... I, uh...
I had to get some air.
-[Voice breaking] you
don't want to have
Your picture taken
with me, do you?
-No. Debbie, that's not it.
-I guess the whole thing
was just pretty stupid.
[Sobbing]
-I don't really know
what came over me next.
Maybe it was the
hurt in her eyes.
And maybe it was because
I knew I had put it there.
Or maybe it just boiled
down to one thing.
You dropped this.
But I knew it was
more than that.
[Slow dance music plays]
You want to dance?
-Sure.
[Music continues]
-Heck, I was no superman.
Not really, anyway.
But if debbie pfeiffer
needed a hero, so be it.
She had plenty
of time to grow up
And figure it out on her own.
After all, a little stardust in
the eyes never hurt anybody.
Least of all, me.
As for mr. Pfeiffer's
$5, we put it to good use.
[Camera shutter clicks]
We got the 8x10 and
a dozen wallet-size.
[Music concludes]