♪ Here's the story ♪
♪ Of a lovely lady ♪
♪ Who was bringing up ♪
♪ Three very lovely girls ♪
♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪
♪ Like their mother ♪
♪ The youngest one in curls ♪
♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪
♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
♪ They were four
men living all together ♪
♪ Yet they were all alone ♪
♪ Till the one day when
the lady met this fellow ♪
♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
♪ That this group must
somehow form a family ♪
♪ That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ That's the way we
became the Brady Bunch. ♪
Hi, honey. I didn't
hear you come in.
Well, I never disturb
a genius at work.
So I guess I'm not
bothering you, huh?
Thank you. ( laughs)
Hey, how's the speech coming?
I didn't realize it was going
to be this much research.
What's it going to be about?
( sighs) The use of
ancient architecture
in modern buildings.
Ah, that ought to turn them on.
( chuckles)
( phone rings)
Hello?
Yes, this is Mrs. Brady.
Oh, hello, Mr. Hillary.
My husband happens to be at
home right now, as a matter of fact.
Yes, we can both come over.
Yes. Okay, Mr. Hillary.
Yes, we'll see you in a
little while. Thank you.
Bye.
Bad news.
He didn't say... But
when the principal calls,
is it ever good news?
Salt, pepper, uh... cookies.
Cookies! Ha-ha! Cookies.
Salt, pepper, cookies,
cookies, cookies.
Alice, Mr. Brady and I
have to go see the principal.
And we won't be gone
long. Okay, Mr. Brady.
Principal?
( door shuts) Which principal?!
Elementary school?
Junior high? Senior high?
I wonder which kid has
done what to who and where.
"'My Hero, ' by Robert Brady.
"My hero is a very famous man,
"just like Robin Hood
and the Three Musketeers.
"He was a great American
"and his name
is... Jesse James."
Jesse James?
The outlaw?
It disturbs me
when impressionable
children like Bobby
read books and see movies
that glorify men like Jesse James,
turn them into folk heroes.
Jesse James was a
cruel and vicious k*ller.
I'm really surprised at Bobby.
PRINCIPAL: Well,
don't be, Mrs. Brady.
Look what's happening today.
The press write stories about
gangsters and skyjackers.
They make them
seem very glamorous
in the eyes of the children.
Right. Today's
criminals will probably
be tomorrow's folk heroes.
Well, we'll certainly
discuss this
with Bobby, Mr. Hillary.
Good. Oh, Bobby's teacher
might never have brought
this composition to my
attention if it hadn't been for this.
( sighs)
He knows better than to
bring a cap g*n to school.
Well, at recess, he was
playing Jesse James,
pretending to hold
up the other kids.
Well, it wasn't the
first time, so I thought
this was an area where the,
uh, parents and the school
ought to get together.
We really appreciate
it, Mr. Hillary.
MIKE: Well, we'll certainly
have a talk with him.
Though I'm sure
he doesn't intend
to make a profession
out of being an outlaw.
( both giggling)
One wrong move from
anybody on this train,
and you get it!
Please don't sh**t
me, Mr. James.
Just give me your money, lady.
There, that's all I have.
Thank you, ma'am.
Okay, now...
everybody stay in
your seats till I jump off.
Whoa! Easy, boy.
Stay.
Whoa.
Ha!
You're supposed
to be on the train.
No, I'm not. Now I'm the
posse hunting you down.
You'll never get me.
Nobody gets Jesse James.
Ha!
Come on, boy!
BOBBY: Ha! Ha!
Jesse James,
you're under arrest.
No way. You can't
arrest me here.
Why not?
I just crossed the
Rio Grande River.
This is Mexico.
Well, vamoose, you caballeros,
because all of Mexico's
gonna get mopped up.
But I have to arrest him first.
Forget it, Deputy.
Even a U.S. marshal
can't arrest you
once you get into Mexico.
Is that true, Alice?
As el presidente of Mexico,
I give you permission to
take this hombre prisoner.
You can't. You have to
have extradition papers.
MIKE: I've got some.
And I am extraditing
you into my den right now.
Move it, Jesse.
What's the matter?
I got a C-plus.
That's not too bad.
Bob, it isn't the grade.
What we're interested in is
how you happened to write it.
I had to. It was an assignment.
Bobby, what we mean is,
why did you choose
Jesse James for your hero?
Well... I guess
'cause he's famous.
Bobby, he was famous
because he robbed and k*lled
a whole lot of innocent people.
Bobby, did you know
that almost everything
Jesse James did
was against the law?
My pal Jimmy wrote
about Robin Hood.
Robin Hood was against the law.
Nobody got mad at Jimmy.
Aw, honey, we're not
getting mad at you.
We're just interested in knowing
why you chose to write
about Jesse James, that's all.
Listen, right now he may seem
like a... a very colorful
Western character to you,
but in actual fact, he
was just a criminal.
Now, that may be easier
for you to understand
when you get a little older.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I'll probably just
grow out of it.
I'd give that about five
more minutes, Mrs. Brady.
Good, Alice. Girls, don't
forget the salad forks.
Okay, Mom. We won't.
Ladies, could I
have your attention
for a minute? Sure.
Well, I've almost finished
my speech for the convention.
Great. But I-I-I wanted
to kind of start
out with a joke,
'cause I want to do
something to get their attention.
So, could I try it
out on you? Yeah!
Oh, sure. Love to hear it.
Um, so I come in, and I say...
Mr. Chairman...
ladies and gentlemen...
fellow architects...
honored guests...
before I launch into my
subject for this evening...
I would like to make a very
important announcement
about our progress
in city planning.
I hear that we have
just torn down a freeway
to make room for a slum.
( chuckles)
That's the joke!
( laughs)
Well... to architects,
i-it might be funny, huh?
Oh, sure, honey...
it's just that... none
of us are architects.
MIKE: And keep us ever
mindful of Thy bountiful blessings.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
( cap p*stol fires)
MIKE: Bobby.
I didn't mean to
pull the trigger.
We have told you before,
no toys at the table,
and especially cap g*ns.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I won't play with it again.
Yeah, well, just to make sure.
You and that dumb Jesse James.
What about Jesse James?
Uh, Bobby wrote an English
composition about him.
He's his hero.
I had to write
about a hero once.
Mine got an A.
Who'd you write it on?
Joan of Arc.
She saw visions,
and she won battles.
And later she was made a saint.
She was a great woman.
That's okay for you.
You've got a lot better chance
of being a woman than I have.
Personally, I like
George Washington.
Now, there's a hero.
Fat chance I got of being
Father of My Country.
Bobby, there are
lots of great heroes
who are around right now.
Take Wilt Chamberlain,
for instance.
Yeah, now, there's a
great guy for you to follow.
Yeah, some chance I've
got of being seven foot two.
And black.
( all laugh) Bobby.
Just eat your pizza.
Mr. Chairman, fellow
architects, honored guests...
Dad, Mom, could I ask a favor?
What?
Well, could I stay up just a
little bit after my bedtime tonight?
What for?
You see, there's
this really neat movie
on television, and
I've never seen it.
Is it okay?
What's the picture?
Well... it's
called... You see...
What's it called?
Jesse James on
the Vengeance Trail.
Jesse James?!
Bobby, what have
we been talking about?
We have had enough
Jesse James around here,
and that's it.
But, Dad...
Bobby, you heard
your father... That's it.
Oh, okay.
Close the door.
Honey, Jesse
James must've k*lled
45 people in that picture.
That was before the credits.
Imagine Bobby watching
a picture like that.
Yeah, imagine.
Thanks for letting
me watch the show.
Well, this is one movie
about Jesse James
we thought it'd be a
good idea for you to see.
I think this is the scene
where he robs the bank.
Yeah. He sh**t all the
customers in the back.
( horses neighing)
Wow! Jesse didn't
even use a g*n.
They skipped the whole incident.
They edited it out.
( horse neighing)
They skipped another scene
where they k*lled everybody.
( scoffs)
Mike, I forgot
what happens here.
Well, I'm not sure I remember,
but I think this is where
he sh**t the
prospector in the back,
then he rides off with the
daughter as a... hostage.
Yeah.
Boy, isn't Jesse nice
to give that girl a ride?
( sighs)
The network took
out all the v*olence
just when we were
trying to prove a point.
Jesse James will be even
more of a hero to him now.
You know, maybe Bobby
had the answer to this himself.
What do you mean?
Well, when he said he'd
probably grow out of it.
Yeah, maybe you've got a point.
Let's just wait and
see what happens.
Wow! Look at Jesse ride!
Carol?
Carol?
Ca... oh. I'm right here, honey.
I'm sorry. Honey,
look, it's my speech.
I put it right here last night.
Now it's not here. Well, don't
get too upset. We'll find it.
It's got to be here someplace.
I've been all over this house.
I'm around here
for the second time.
Mom, Dad, I've come here
to discuss a very
delicate matter.
What? My
allowance... you forgot.
I did? Yeah.
Listen, I will give
you an extra dollar
if you find the speech I
lost... it's on paper just like this.
Hey, great. No, no,
no, we'll look here.
You go look around the house.
Yeah, go pass the word
along to the rest of the kids.
Do I have to? Yes!
Okay.
What?
My allowance.
Thanks.
What are you doing?
Looking for something.
Can I look, too?
Sure.
Can I ask you something?
What?
What am I looking for?
Dad's speech... there's a
reward out for whoever finds it.
One dollar. Wow.
All right...
all you women to
the rear of the bank.
Bobby, would you leave us alone?
Just get lost.
Nobody tells Jesse
James to get lost.
Well, we're telling
you. Get lost.
All right.
I'll just rob me
a different bank.
Dad could have stuck his speech
in his pocket and forgot it.
For a dollar, it's worth a look.
It's not in this one.
Not in that one, either.
Okay, stick 'em up, both of you.
Now that you've got the bank
vault open, just empty it out.
Will you b*at it?
You're talking to
Jesse James, partner.
Knock it off.
Into the bank vault,
both you varmints.
I got a better idea...
You get in the
bank vault, Jesse.
No! No!
Greg, stop! Let me out!
Leave him in there
for two hours, huh?
Yeah. Boys... BOBBY: Let me out!
Boys, what's going on? In here!
The great Jesse James
just got captured. Let me out!
Okay, joke's over.
Come on, split.
BOBBY ( knocking): Let me out!
Let me out! Let me...
Now, I want this to stop.
Am I coming through
loud and clear?
But, Dad, they... No buts!
No more Jesse James,
Bob. Now, that's an order!
Yes, sir.
Mr. Chairman, fellow
architects and Mike Brady.
Yes?
It gives me great pleasure
to tell you that I
found your speech.
Oh! Great, honey!
Where'd you find it?
It was in a very strange place.
Where?
Your briefcase.
My brie... I put
it in my briefcase
when I was doing research
at the library the other day.
Oh, how dumb.
Aw, sweetheart,
you are a lifesaver.
Mmm.
Is that all I get?
What'd you expect?
A dollar.
I'd like to check
these books in, please.
Certainly. I hope
they were helpful.
Yes, they were.
I finished my research. Good.
We're just delighted when
our library can be useful.
Yeah. Uh, I was interested
in finding some
books on Jesse James.
Jesse James?
Yes, but I didn't
want, uh, novels.
I'd rather have factual
accounts of his life.
Mm-hmm. As a matter of fact,
we have several good books
on his life right over there.
Honey, can't we put the
light out in the old bunkhouse?
The cattle drive starts
early in the morning.
Mm-hmm.
( sighs)
Honey, this cowhand
needs a little shut-eye.
You know, this is a
very interesting book.
It was written by a fellow
whose father was
k*lled by Jesse James,
and it's got a whole bunch
of eyewitness accounts
of the killings in here.
Hm, maybe Bobby
ought to read it.
Yeah. I got a better idea.
You know, on the flyleaf,
in the biography of the author,
it says when this book
was written, at any rate,
he lived in Sundale.
That's not far from here, is it?
Right.
( doorbell rings)
Mr. Collins.
Yes, sir, that's me.
How do you do? I'm Mike Brady.
Come in. Thanks for coming.
Oh, I'm glad to know
someone read my book.
I thought I was the only
one who bought a copy.
No, it was a very
interesting book.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
You know, I think
you're gonna be able
to help us with our son, Bob.
I've been thinking over what
you told me on the phone.
Hmm. I feel sure I can
straighten out
that boy of yours.
Good. Oh, honey, I'd like
you to meet Mr. Collins.
Mr. Collins, this is Mrs. Brady.
Pleasure to meet you.
Aw, pleasure to
meet you, Mr. Collins.
If you'll excuse
me, I'll get Bob.
Please sit down.
Would you like some coffee?
Coffee, no.
I still like mine cooked
over an open fire
and boiled till it's miserable.
( laughs)
Mr. Collins, this
is our son Bob.
Bob, this is Mr. Collins.
Hi. Oh, hello. Hello, son.
I think you're gonna find this
gentleman very interesting.
Did you know his father
actually knew Jesse James?
He did?
Wow, am I glad to meet you!
I hear Jesse's a hero of yours.
I wrote a whole composition
about him for school.
I wrote a whole book
about Jesse James...
Only he wasn't a hero to me.
He wasn't?
Nope.
Jesse James k*lled my father.
He did?
sh*t him in the back.
That's how he usually sh*t them.
Too cowardly to
face them, I guess.
I can't believe
that, Mr. Collins.
He's telling you
the truth, Bobby.
Son, you know the
legends; I know the facts.
Mr. Collins, why
don't you tell Bob
about how it was
with your father?
Well, I was just a
little boy at the time.
My father was riding
a train to California.
Jesse James held it up.
Did they have a sh**t-out?
Well, it wasn't
much of a sh**t-out.
My father with
his face to the wall,
his hands in the air
and not wearing a g*n.
Then why did Jesse
James sh**t him?
Because that's the kind
of man Jesse James was...
A mean, dirty k*ller.
My mother used to
cry about it in her sleep.
When I was old
enough to understand,
I used to have nightmares
about it myself...
Awful nightmares...
About that train robbery.
COLLINS: Because that's the
kind of a man Jesse James was...
( echoing): A mean, dirty
k*ller... a mean, dirty k*ller...
a mean, dirty k*ller.
( train whistle blowing)
Isn't it great to be
going to California?
Yeah!
I hear California's
really beautiful.
It sounds wonderful.
Yeah, how long
before we get there?
MIKE: Oh, not long, son.
With these new
trains, it only takes
18 days to get to California.
And that's all the
way from Arizona!
( train whistle blowing)
Hands up!
Don't anybody move.
It's the world-famous
Jesse James.
( screaming)
BOBBY: Jesse James!
I never thought
I'd get to meet you!
I said hands up!
Now, everybody throw your purses
and wallets in the aisle.
Be calm, everybody. ( yells)
Do as he says, and
nobody gets sh*t.
BOBBY: Aw, Dad, he
wouldn't sh**t anybody.
Jesse James is a real great guy.
He's my hero.
I even wrote a
composition about you
and how you were
such a great hero.
Sorry it only got a C-plus.
All right, now, everybody,
face the window...
Your backs to me.
What do you want them
to do that for, Jesse?
Why, so I can
sh**t 'em, of course.
( girls screaming)
But... but this is my family.
That's my dad!
Bang!
No! You sh*t my dad!
( screaming) Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Stop! That's my family!
You can't do that!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
No, please, stop,
Jesse! Bang! Bang!
Jesse, stop! No! Bang! Bang!
( laughing) Bang! Bang!
Jesse, no!
Don't sh**t! Please, stop!
Jesse, no, no!
Bobby? Bobby, what's the matter?
You must have been
having a bad dream.
It was awful.
Tell us about it.
( sighs)
It was the worst dream
in the whole world.
Well, I think I'm as ready
as I'll ever be
with this speech.
( knock at door)
Come in.
I'm turning in my g*ns.
I don't ever want to
see another g*n again.
Good man.
I'm glad to hear it.
You were right
about Jesse James.
He was a real bad guy.
That talk with Mr. Collins
really got through to you, huh?
Did it ever.
Well, you just
have to be careful
who you pick for a hero, hmm?
Yeah.
Next time, whoever he is,
he's gonna be a real good guy.
( chuckles)
Good luck on the speech, honey.
I just know it'll be a big hit.
Oh, I hope so. I just wish I had
a good joke to
start it off with.
Hey, listen, I remember
a joke that might fit.
Honey, it's got to
be about architects.
Yeah, it is. It's
about this architect
who designed a building
that had no doors in it at all.
No doors? How do you get in?
Well, you just keep
running around it
and running around
it until you're all in.
Get it?
Good-bye, honey.
Hey, wait a minute,
you forgot to kiss me.
That's right.
Bye, honey. Good-bye.
Good luck.