05x19 - Carnel Knowledge

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Wonder Years". Aired: January 1988 to May 1993.*
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05x19 - Carnel Knowledge

Post by bunniefuu »

-♪ What would you do
if I sang out of tune? ♪

♪ Would you stand up
and walk out on me? ♪

♪ Lend me your ears,
and I'll sing you a song ♪

♪ I will try not to
sing out of key, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, baby, I get by ♪
- ♪ by with a little help
from my friends ♪

-♪ All I need is my buddies ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ♪ - ♪
try with a little help from my friends ♪

-♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa ♪

-♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

-♪ Somebody who
knows quite sure ♪

♪ Baby ♪

-♪ By with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Said I'm gonna make
it with my friends ♪

-♪ Try with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Oh, I'm gonna
keep on trying ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ I'm gonna keep on
trying now, baby ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

-If there's one thing
every kid needs growing up,

It's a best friend.

Someone you trust.

Someone who trusts you.

Someone you measure
yourself against.

You go through
everything together...

Important things,

Stupid things,

Things that matter,

Things that don't.

Paul pfeiffer and I
had been best friends

Since the day we were born.

And in that time, we'd
been through everything.

Well, almost everything.

Everything, that is, but...

-Here it is, guys...

Our invitation to paradise.

-What? "Bedknobs
and broomsticks"?

-Look again, doofus.

"Carnal knowledge."

-In adolescent terms,
it meant one thing...

A three-letter word
starting with "s," ending with "x,"

And sandwiched in the middle...

-Ann-margret.

-You got it.

-Let me see that.

-Not that I was some kind
of fiend, you understand.

I was just 16.

-So, when do we go?

How about friday night?

- I'm there!
- Count me in!

-After all, it was a
major cinematic event.

Something no red-blooded
male could turn down.

-Forget it. You can't see this.

- What?
- You heard me.

Says right here
you got to be 17.

-That was paul for you...

Grandma in size-12 desert boots.

-So? We've all got
fake i.d.s, right?

-Right!

-Besides, paul, I think
you're missing the point.

-Yeah, let me lay
this out for you.

In this movie,

They... Do... Everything.

-Everything?

-Everything.

-Like what?

-Now, keep in
mind, this was 1972.

-Well, uh...

-Lust and ignorance
went hand-in-hand.

-Well, if you don't know,
we're not gonna tell you.

-Yeah.

-Right.

-Look, paul, we're going.

So you coming with us or not?

- Well, I'd like to.
- Great!

-There. Done deal.

-But I can't.

I'm having dinner...

With my family.

-I don't believe this.
Dinner with your family?

-I'd known paul a long time.

I'd seen him do a lot of
unexplainable things,

But this...

-Kev, I told you. It
was unavoidable.

My mom's old college
roommate's staying in town.

I mean, she and her
family are coming...

-Well, so tell them you're sick.

-Oh, right.

Look.

This roommate's got a daughter
who's a freshman in college.

And she's studying
marine biology.

-So?

-Well, I'm interested
in marine biology,

So I thought this would be...
- Wait, paul.

Let me get this straight.

You're giving up a
perfectly good friday night

To talk about fish?

Well...

-There. I had him on the ropes.

All I needed now
was a sucker-punch.

-Come on.

Come with us.

For me.

-♪ Walk like a man from you ♪

-Okay.

Maybe I can make the 9:00 show.

-Bingo.

I'll pick you up at 8:30.

-And with that, we
were on our way.

The plan was set.

The coast was clear.

-Jack, let's go see
a movie tonight.

-Just one little roadblock.

-What's playing?

-I think it's called
"carnal knowledge."

-Uh-oh.

- "Carnal knowledge"?

-This was bad.

If there was one thing

That could k*ll a
night with the guys,

It was a night with
the guys' parents.

-What's it about?

-Well, it's about...
Relationships.

-Oh.

-I think ann-margret's in it.

-Oh?

What time does it start?
- Late.

-Huh?

-It starts really late.

Unless you make the early
show, which you already missed.

-Okay, I was reaching.
I had to do something.

-Hey, and can you
believe the tickets?

They're up to
three bucks apiece.

Not to mention the popcorn.

-What popcorn?

-50 Cents... Each.

-Kevin.

-Oh, and you know
what I heard, dad?

Uh, there's gonna be a
john wayne film festival

On channel 9 tonight.

-Going...

Going...

-Norma, um...

What do you say we
skip the movie, stay home,

Make our own popcorn?

-That'd be fine.

- Gone.

Okay, maybe it was a
little thoughtless...

But absolutely necessary.

-Paul. Keverooski's here.

-Oh.

-Paul, you ready?

-Well, actually, we
haven't had dinner yet.

-Say, kev, why
don't you join us?

Ida bastes a mean turkey.

-Thanks, but I have plans.

-Alvin.

-Whoops. The chef called.

-I couldn't believe it.

-What are you doing?
I was counting on you.

-Look, kev, I'm sorry,

But we kind of got
delayed, you know, talking.

-Oh, yeah? Talking about what?

Marine biology?
Sea life? Squids?

-Whoops.

-Paul.

-Talk about your
basic bad timing.

-Uh, kev, this is my mom's
college roommate's daughter.

-Beth.

-Swell.

-It's nice to meet you. Paul's
told me a lot about you.

-Well...

He says you're off
to see a movie tonight.

-Yeah.

But I'm not too sure which
one we're gonna go see yet.

I mean, maybe "bedknobs and
broomsticks," or, you know...

-I hear jack nicholson
is very good in it.

-Great. First I'm stood up.

Now I'm made a laughingstock
in front of a total stranger.

-So, paul, what's it gonna be?

Are you coming or not?

-Kev, I can't.

-Okay, then.

Fine. Stay.

-So much for doing
everything together.

-But I'll tell you this...

You miss tonight,
you'll be missing out.

-Well, this is it.

-Yeah.

-And so, we'd arrived...

Minus one best friend
maybe, but ready for anything.

-Wow.

-There it was.

Beneath that marquee
lay forbidden experience,

Mysteries unveiled,
mysteries like...

-So, who's gonna
buy the tickets?

-What do you mean, who's
gonna buy the tickets?

I thought you were
gonna buy the tickets.

-What? Why me?

-'Cause you're the
one with the fake i.d.

-Me? I don't have a fake i.d.

I thought you had a fake i.d.

-What?

-You told me you had a fake i.d.

Hey, kev, you got a fake i.d.?

-I don't believe this.

-It was incredible.

Here we were, 50 feet

From the consciousness-raising
experience of our lives,

And we'd been shut down
for lack of a petty forgery.

-So what are we gonna do?

-Hmm.

-Hey! Look out!

-I can't see!

- Chuck!
- Sorry.

-What are you doing?

-Okay, we were
breaking and entering.

Maybe it was wrong,
but these things happen

When you're keeping
an appointment with...

-My god. You're hot.

- Destiny.

-You're going too fast for me.

- There she is.
- Shh!

-It was awe-inspiring.

We sat there, three
underage pilgrims

At the mecca of forbidden fruit.

Just us,

Ann-margret,

And, of course...

One angry usher.

-See your tickets?

-Uh...

-Cindy's not a virgin, either!

-Won't anything make
a man out of you?

You once told me never to
take your g*n away from you,

You yellow-bellied,
lily-livered...

-And there you had it...

The perfect end to
a perfect evening.

-All I knew was I was
miffed at ricky and chuck,

At fake i.d.s and "r" ratings...

Not to mention the
neighborhood turncoat.

Paul, what are you doing here?

-Well, I saw the light on.

Can we talk for a second?

-What about, marine biology?

-No.

-Well, what is it?

-Well... It's kind
of hard to say.

-Now, keep in mind
the night I'd had.

I'd been ditched, dumped,
and thrown out on my ear.

I was in no mood for
b*ating around the bush.

-Look, paul, it's late.

So unless this is really,
really important...

-It's about beth.

You know, at... At my house.

What about her?

-Well... We were
having dinner together.

-Yeah, I know that, paul.

-And one thing led to another.

-Wait. Let me guess.

After the turkey, you
snuck into the kitchen

And made mad, passionate
love to each other, right?

Right?

-Okay, it was mean.

I couldn't help myself.

I just wasn't prepared
for what paul said back.

-Well...

See, that's the thing.

Wasn't the kitchen.

-And with that, suddenly,
everything changed.

-I can't believe this.

-Neither can i.

-Paul, if you're lying to me...

-Kev, I'm not
lying. It happened.

-You sure?

-I think so.

-It was incredible.

Paul pfeiffer had come to
me in the middle of the night

With the biggest
news of our lives.

Well, his anyway.

-So... How did it happen...

Exactly?

-And, like all best friends,
I needed the lowdown.

-Well...

-Paul?

What are you doing
here at this hour?

-Rats!

-Uh... Nothing.

I was just visiting.

-Oh.

Well, don't stay up too late.

-Sure, dad.

-Night.

-And back to the main event.

-So? Where were we?

-I don't know.

-Paul.

-No, I mean, I don't know.

Besides, it was dark and...

Confusing.

-And that's it?

-That's it.

Then she and her family
went back to their motel.

-Geez.

Talk about leaving out
one or two minor details.

-What do you mean, that's it?

-Not to pry or anything.

-What?


That's all you're gonna tell me?

-What do you mean? I
just told you everything.

-Okay. Fine.

You don't want to
tell me. I understand.

-Even though I
didn't... At all... Period.

-I mean, there's no point in
talking about it anymore, right?

-Right. So... Maybe I should go.

-Yeah.

-I mean, if the guy wanted
to be that way, let him.

What did I care?

Just because we'd
always gone through

Everything together before...

-See you tomorrow?

-Sure.

- No reason why things
shouldn't change now.

Nope.

The best thing to do
was just forget about it.

I forgot about it all night.

-Hey.

-Hi.

-Look, paul, about last night...

I know you came
over to talk to me

Because I'm your friend.

So if you need to talk about it,

I just want you to know
that I'm here for you.

-Thanks.

But I don't think I want
to talk about it anymore.

-Oh, come on.

I know you want
to talk about it.

-No, kev, really.

-Of course you do, paul.

I mean, hey, I'd talk
about it with you.

-Yeah, well... It
didn't happen to you.

-What?

-It was kind of like
being socked in the face.

-Wait a minute.

What's that supposed to mean?

- Look, kev...
- I mean, excuse me.

Maybe you should tell me
what subjects we can talk about.

Sports? Marine biology?

I mean, you come to my house
in the middle of the night.

You wake me up to brag about...

- I did not.
- You did, too.

- Did not.
- You did, too.

-Look...

Just don't tell anybody
about this, okay?

-Me?

Hey, don't worry about
it. My lips are sealed.

-Good.

-Great.

-After all, let him
keep it to himself.

Mr. High-and-mighty.

I was leading a pretty
exciting life of my own.

-Ricky, do you have to do that?

-What?

-Dump the milk in
your mouth like that.

Can't you just drink
it like a person?

-Sorry.

-The thing is,
suddenly my friends

All seemed like children.

-Okay, gents, we are in.

-In where?

-You know, the movie!

My brother said he'd
buy us the tickets

If we pay his way in!

-Cool!

-Great.

-What's the matter with him?

-Nothing.

It's just you guys
should hear yourselves.

"We're in." "Cool."

I mean, you guys
are 16 years old

Sneaking into a movie theater.

Doesn't that tell you anything?

-Apparently it didn't.

-Look, has it even occurred
to you that people here...

People our age... Are
doing exactly the things

That the people in the movie
are just pretending to do?

-Okay, so it didn't
make real sense.

I knew what I meant.

Unfortunately...

-What people?

-Oh, no.

It was amazing.

These two dolts,

Who couldn't grapple with
the concept of grilled cheese,

Had suddenly
turned into geniuses.

-Hey, kev, tell us his initials.

-Forget it!

-If we guess, will you
tell us if we're right?

- No.
- Come on, kev. We'd tell you.

-Look, I told you,
it's no one, okay?

-Hey, guys.

-And that's when it happened.

-What?

-Now, of course,
to an impartial jury,

I may have been innocent.

-I-it's him! I don't believe it!

It's pfeiffer!

Pfeiffer, you dog!

-Way to go, pfeiff!
Who's the lucky girl?

-Still, deep down, I knew...

-Paul, I didn't...

-Thanks a lot, kev.

- I was guilty as hell.

That afternoon, I took a walk.

Didn't feel much like driving.

I thought about what had
gone on between me and paul,

About how our
lives were changing.

Something was happening to us,

Something complicated.

And all I knew was...

I couldn't let things
go the way they were.

Paul.

Kevin's here to see you.

-Well, one thing was obvious...
This wasn't gonna be easy.

-Hey.

-Hi.

-What are you doing?

-Oh, this?

Nothing.

It's beth's.

She left it here.

-Yeah, about that...

Paul...

I'm sorry about what happened...

You know, with me
and... With the guys.

I just don't know
what got into me.

I mean... I guess I
should be happy for you.

But instead I just feel lousy.

And I don't know why.

Anyway, congratulations.

And, uh... I think it's great.

-In a way, it was
kind of a goodbye,

The end of an era.

After all, the guy
didn't need me anymore,

So there was nothing
left to say, but...

-It's awful.

-What?

-It's horrible.

-You mean...

-No, not that.

Me.

I just don't know how to
handle this whole thing.

-What are you talking about?

-I mean, what am I
supposed to feel?

Did she like me?

Or not?

Was I okay?

Or was she laughing at me?

Or...

-It was the first
time I ever realized

How truly perilous
love could be.

-It just happened so fast.

And then she was
gone, and I was left,

And now she's
getting on an airplane,

And I'm never
gonna see her again.

-And I guess at that
moment, it was clear.

Some things never change.

-I'm just not good at these
casual relationships, kev.

-After all, paul was paul.

And no matter what...

The guy needed me.

- Loading and unloading
of passengers only.

No parking please.

-Growing up is complicated...

Kind of a race against time...

-Passenger janet mars, please
go to a white courtesy phone.

- A search for identity,

For love.

And the outcome
is always in doubt.

-Passenger lee allen,
meet your party...

-Things happen fast,

Sometimes too fast.

-Flight number 47 to
buffalo now departing.

-But that night with
paul, I knew one thing...

We'd been through
everything together.

-I think I saw her.

-You did?

-Yeah.

-Then she probably saw you.

-Think so?

-Yeah.

-And from here on out,

No matter what,

We were gonna need
each other more than ever.
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