01x10 - The Nanny-in-Law

[bunniefuu]

I'm so excited we're gonna get to
meet Mister Sheffield's nanny.

He must have been so cute as a baby
in his little pram with
his little silver pacifier

and his little
three-piece diaper.

Oh yes, he was
a little stinker.

I remember his first word:
Niles!

Niles!

We're gonna have to work
on his vocabulary.

Niles, Niles, there you are.
I want you standing by.

Standing by what, sir?
Me.

I want everything perfect for Nanny.
All right, girls, let's get your curtseys.

No, no, no.
Backs straight.

I'm getting the feeling
he's done that before.

Niles, that's the doorbell.

Oh, sir, I would be
lost without you.

Nanny Mueller!

Oh, Maxwell, my liebchen.

Look how handsome
you've become.

You're the image of
your father at that age.

He had a head of hair just
like yours, and then one day, Kojak.

Nanny, you look wonderful.

I'd like you to meet...
No, not another word.

I feel as if I know them.

You must be Margaret.
No, I'm Grace.

Well, if somebody sent me a snapshot
once in a while, maybe I would know them.

I'm Maggie, Nanny Mueller.
Well, button up, dear.

If Victoria can keep
her secrets, so can you.

And, Brighton...

you call this
a handshake?

What are you,
a man or a fish?

Actually, I'm a Pisces.

You, young man,
I will be watching.

All right, Maxwell,
I'm impressed.

You obviously found yourself
a proper nanny to rear the children.

Brighton, what did you put down
the toilet? It's all stuffed up.

Oh, you're here already?
Hello.

Who is this person,
the plumber?

Nanny Mueller, I'd like you
to meet Fran Fine, the nanny.

Nice to meet you.

Niles, take the woman's coat.
She's got a sweat moustache.

Oops, my mistake.

Well, your home is charming.

It amazes me what
you've been able to do, Maxwell.

And all from putting
on your little plays.

Oh, they're not so little.
He lost over a million on the last one.

So, tell me, Margaret,
you plan to go on the stage?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

Oh, well, then we don't need to be
made up like a showgirl, do we?

So, Nanny Mueller,
how was your passage?

Well, the Q.E. Two is always splendid,
but the food has fallen off a bit.

Go eat on a boat. I took the kids
on the Staten Island Ferry;

I swear half-a-hotdog and we're
pulling whiskers out of our teeth.

Sausage, anyone?

Miss Fine, is it?

Which agency exactly was it that
arranged for your position here?

Oh, I didn't come through an agency.
Mister Sheffield hired me
right off the street.

Well, it's not like it sounds.
I tried her out for the weekend first.

So, Nanny Mueller, how long are
you planning on staying? A week?

Or so.

It's the "or so"
I'm worried about.

Miss Fine, you know, in my day,

the nanny always sat in the kitchen
with the rest of the staff.

Well, those days are over.
You just sit right here with us.

Make yourself at home.

I see you have, at the table
and out of uniform.

Oh, here in America we're
a little less formal.

When in Rome, Fraulein...

Well, I think I have
just about enough...

I'll show her to her room.
[Speaks German-goodnight.]

Goodnight.
Goodnight. Sleep tight.

Nice meeting you.
She hates my guts.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

No, it's just that you...Well,
you are somewhat of a...
of an acquired taste...

Like sushi.

Sushi. Leave it to the Japanese
to invent a restaurant where
you don't have to cook.

And we wonder why we're behind.

You're looking very fit, Nilesy.

Oh, Clara, then you
do remember me.

How could I forget you.

The butler's son,

a callow youth,
just beginning in service?

And you, the experienced
older woman.

I was all of twenty-two.

Okay, thirty-two.

And yet I learned
so much from you.

Let's review.

A little fluff, a little tease,
and you look just like...

my mother.

I was hoping for Michele Pfiefer.
Yeah, so was my mother.

Brighton, you lost all your checkers.
You always lose everything.

Not everything.
I'm still stuck with you.

Oh, shut-up.
You shut-up.

Shut-up, Brighton.
Will you all shut-up?

Here, use the cookies.
That way you can eat your winnings.

But all the cookies are black.

What? All right, here.
Now they're not.

Now, what color polish for
your nails, Miss Pfiefer?

Little girls should not paint
the face or the fingers.

We do not want to look like show...
Oh, hello, Nanny Mueller.

Well, our little regular
Hogan Hero.

He's great with impressions.
He does me, too. Do me, do me.

Oy.

We do not do our hair in the kitchen.

And we do not belong on
the counter. We are not a teapot.

Sometimes I am. This is
my handle, this is my spout.

That's an American thing.

Brighton, are you eating
sweets between meals?

I have to. I jumped her.

Miss Fine, you allow this?

I don't make the rules.
If he jumped her, he jumped her.

Proper children don't
play with their food.

Then I better go get the
tater-tots out of my toy box.

He reminds me of his father
at this age.

We sent him away
to boarding school.

Knocked that smart aleck
shtick right out of him.

Oh, boarding school?
Poor Mister Sheffield.

I couldn't make it through
one night of sleep-away camp.

I mean, what kind of
a sadist puts a bunch of kids

into a tent after feeding
them franks and beans?

The bears didn't know what hit 'em.

All right, fine. Goodbye.

My mother will not listen
to reason.

She's taking a trip to the Orient
and every time she travels alone

she picks up some gigolo who
spends all of her money.

Oh, I can see why you're concerned.
Darn right. It's my inheritance.

Excuse me.

Hello. Yeah, just a moment.
C.C.?

Is it my mother, B.B.?
Sister.

D.D.!

They save a fortune in engraving.

Uh, Mister Sheffield, you got a minute?
I really wanna talk to you
about your Nanny Mueller.

Is there a problem?

Well, it's just that it gets
a little confusing for the kids

when I say one thing and she
says another. Such as?

Oh, you know, I say tomato,
she says tomata. I say potato, she says...

Miss Fine...

Well, since you asked,

Maggie is upset because Nanny Mueller
took away all her make-up.

Which kind of upsets me because
most of it was mine.

Well, she is only fourteen.
And every time Brighton cracks a joke,

she's sending him off
to boarding school.

Which, if you ask me, at his age,
could screw any kid up for life.

I was sent away to Eaton
at precisely his age. Uh-huh.

Miss Fine, considering your
limited experience in this field,

maybe you should take
advantage of this visit.

Pick up a few tips
from an old pro.

Well, who is she, Arnold Palmer?

She happens to be a highly trained,
highly skilled professional nanny,

and has been for the last forty years.

Well, meanwhile she's scaring Gracie
to death with those stories about that

fat bear that can't even get through
the doorway every time
he has a decent meal.

Are you talking about Winnie
the Pooh? Yeah, him.

And who in his right mind would call
a boy Winnie, let alone the Pooh?

Most children love those stories.

Far be it for me to
pooh-pooh the Pooh,

but in case you haven't noticed,
Gracie is not most children.

She likes a good thriller. We're
right in the middle of The Firm.

What's the matter, Nanny Fine?
Nanny Mueller giving you
a run for your money?

You got a piece of parsley
right over there.

For heaven's sake, I think
Nanny Mueller is marvelous.

She reminds me of my nanny. Bobo.

Bobo? Oy, were all you blue bloods
raised by nannies?

What were your parents doing?

I don't really know.
I have no idea.

Knock, knock.
I got a surprise for you.

Children!

Well, if it isn't the Von Sap family.

I had a sailor suit just like that.

Parsley's over here now.

Fran, I can't go outside in this.
Somebody'll kick my butt.

Sweetheart, I'd kick your butt.

Excuse me.

I mean, who does she think she
is criticizing my kids?

They're happy, normal kids.
Gracie, stop staring up at the sun.

You know, last night I found
Eduardo in bed with my sister.

Twenty years I've given that man.

[Speaks Spanish.]

Lupey, Lupey, Lupey, we dealt with
your problems last week.

Can I get a little support here?

Meanwhile, that Mueller's got those
kids dressed like Huey, Louie and Dewey.

And she's got the nerve to want
me to wear a uniform.

Like I'd be caught dead
in one of those.

Well, on you guys it looks great.

And I guess those hairy legs are
a big hit in Europe, too.

Francine, don't forget
the cardinal rule.

Never come between a man and
his nanny. You won't win.

You're right, you're right.

I seen it happen
a hundred times.

She's after your job.
It happened to me.

She flew in on a broomstick and
just tried to take over. But I
wouldn't put up with it,

and I went straight to Mister
MacKenzie and told him so.

But you don't work for
the MacKenzies. Exactly.

Since I retired, I cover
the world visiting my children.

But I saved the best for last.

Oh, Nanny Mueller, please.

Do go on.

So, Maxwell was always your favorite?
He was my chubby little cherub.

He used to roll around the garden
without a stitch of clothing on,
run, run, run.

Nanny Mueller...
Well, you did.

He had the cutest bottom.
Like two shiny little cling peaches.

Well, that's more than I've ever
wanted to know about Dad.

I am so glad I stayed for dinner.
There's something positively
delightful about this evening.

I can't quite put my finger on it.
Where's Miss Fine?

Oh, that's it.

I'm sorry I'm late,

but it's hell finding
white shoes in winter.

The hat was easy,
Howard Johnson's.

Children, it's not polite to stare.

Miss Fine, you,
you look like a...a...

nanny. Yes, that's it.
I just didn't put it together.

I don't want to disturb you.
I just thought I'd take my dinner

and eat it in the kitchen,
where I belong.

Miss Fine, please don't be so silly.
Come and join us.

No, no. The kitchen is where
a proper nanny eats.

Maggie, shut your mouth.
We are not a Pez dispenser.

Nanny Mueller, it's amazing what
you've done with Miss Fine.

Oh, that's nothing. I had a Schnauzer
once that gave me more trouble.

Nanny, are you comparing
Miss Fine to a dog?

Not at all. Schnauzer
had a pedigree.

Don't mind me.
I just need a little salt.

Just a pinch. I'll leave
the shaker, on the table,

with the family,
in the dining room.

You got a little...

In my own little corner, in my own
little chair, I can... Miss fine.

Yes, Mister Sheffield, sir?

Take off that uniform.
Oh, Mister Sheffield...

Why are you wearing this ridiculous
get-up and acting in this ridiculous way?

I'm just trying to be
the proper nanny.

But if I wanted a proper nanny,
I never would have hired you. Thanks.

You know what I mean. You're,
you're unconventional.

You have no professional training.
You look ludicrous in that uniform.

When do we get to the good part?
But despite the gaps in your resume,

the children adore you.
You make them very happy.

You make us all very happy.

I try. So does that mean
my job's not in jeopardy?

No more than usual.
Oh, I'm gonna give that Lupey such a zap.

Miss...Nanny Mueller has turned
this household upside down.
What am I gonna do?

Well, this is just off
the top of my head,

but why don't we run
this up a flagpole?

Tell her to leave.

I can't just turn her out.
She raised me for heaven sakes!

I feel so guilty.
Oh, you wouldn't understand.

I wouldn't understand guilt?
My people invented it,

but we made up for it with the Salt
vaccine and Streissand.

Please.
I suppose you're right.

I should just
tell her to go.

Unless...Do you really
think she's that bad?

Did you see The Hand
That Rocked The Cradle?

She was the technical advisor.

What's that?
Niles.

Nanny Mueller.

Niles and Nanny Mueller...

A little custard
pudding, Clara?

Why not? We've earned it.

Niles, you...
Oh, Clara...

I can't believe it.

Niles? Now we know what they
meant by 'the butler did it.'

Nanny Mueller having, having...

Pudding.

And with Niles.

Yeah, well, she's a big girl.
I'm sure she's had plenty
of pudding with plenty of people.

Oh, please, I can't
think of her like that.

I know. It's like thinking
about your parents having sex.

Thank God mine never did.

Niles, coffee.
Oh, thank you, sir.

I could use a cup.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, good morning, everyone.
Morning.

Niles. Nanny Mueller.
How did you sleep?

Like a little baby. And you?
Quite well.

I think we all slept very well.
Actually, I didn't.

I kept hearing things that go
bump in the night.

Thank you, Niles.
I'm famished.

The woman is insatiable.

I see you're back at table,
and out of uniform, Miss Fine.

Maxwell, you might want
a word with her.

I think he wants a word with you.
Mister Sheffield.

Maxwell.

Yes, well, Nanny...

your visit has been wonderful,
but like all good things...

Oh, yes, Maxwell,
I never been so happy

since the day that you fell
in the duck pond. I pull you out,

I breathe life back into
your little limp body.

Oh...Now what you
want to tell me?

Oh, uh, look
at the time.

I've got a tennis game.
Excuse me.

Oh, Mister Sheffield,
you forgot your balls.

Miss Fine...

That's Nanny Fine.

That is a title that
must be earned.

All right, maybe I haven't been
a nanny as long as you.

But in case you haven't noticed,
Mister Sheffield is all grown up.

He doesn't need
a nanny anymore.

I'm the nanny here now,
these are my kids,

and well, it's time
for you to go.

You might think they're your kids,
but they're not.

You'll find out,
if you last as long as I have.

Kids grow up,
go on their way.

You go on to another family,
and you love them, too.

'Cause you can't help it.
And on and on until one day

you find yourself with
a lifetime of love to give

and no one to take it.

Oh, Nanny Mueller, oh...

Nanny? Nanny Mueller...

Maxwell?

Clara, as you can see,
I'm all grown up now.

My children have a nanny, and
I think it's time for you to go.

Don't you dare talk to
your nanny like that.

What?
Apologize.

But, but...
You heard me. Apologize...sir.

I'm, I'm sorry, Nanny.

I forgive you,
Maxwell.

Nanny knows you've been
under a lot of strain.

Yes. Yes. A lot of strain.

I, I, that's it. I've been
under a lot of strain.

Kids. We nannies have got to
stick together. We're like sisters.

Then I can stay?

Not on your life.

Goodbye, children.

Oh, take good care of
your father.

Okay.

Maxwell...

Goodbye, Nanny.

Oh, oh...

Goodbye, Niles.
It's been a pleasure having you.

Children, see if you can
find Miss Fine, would you?

Here I am, here I am.

Do you think I'd let her
go without saying goodbye?

What have you done
to your uniform?

You like?
I love. Wonderbar.

You make one for me in my size,
six. Okay, twelve.

All your bags are in the car,
Nanny Mueller.

We'll just swing around and pick-up Mother
and then the two of you will be off.

Oh, I'm so excited.
I've always wanted to see Japan.

And I have you to thank for that,
Miss...Nanny Fine.

Oh, well you just have a good time.
And watch out for those gigolos.

Or maybe they should watch
out for you.

Oh, I take good care of
my little C.C.'s mommy.

I love you, Nanny Mueller.

Oh, come now. You're really
too much, sweetheart.

Get up, up.

[Speaks German.]

Bye, Nanny. Bye...

Goodbye, Nanny Mueller.

Wonderful idea of yours putting
Nanny Mueller together with C.C.'s mother.

Look, I want Nanny Mueller
to have a life, just not mine.

Oh, let me just get out of
this uniform.

Oh, no rush.

Oh, Mister Sheffield.