01x12 - The Show Must Go On

[bunniefuu]

Niles, this steak
is a little tough.

So is life...

and then you die.

Okay, what do you think?

This one itches
but I look taller.

This one pinches,
but I look thinner.

Have you ever considered choosing
a wardrobe based on comfort?

No! Once you start
dressing for comfort,

the next thing you know you're on line
at Pathmark wearing orthopedic
shoes buying Nair.

It is just a P.T.A. meeting.

Yeah, well, meanwhile, some of those P's
and T's could be lonely he's.

You've certainly got
the 'A' for it.

Meanwhile, I don't want
to embarrass Gracie.

You could never embarrass me.
Oh...

Except that time at the playground you screamed
at Bobby Mitchell for hogging a swing.

Well, it was my turn.

What d' you think, Mags?
Go with the black.

Smaller price tags are easier to hide,
and you can still return it.

Very good!

Oh, at this age
they're like a sponge.

And she's got almost
as much personality.

Oh, look, that P.T.A. is
planning their big pageant.

Isn't that right up your alley?
I produce plays for a living.

Why on earth would I want to do
that in my spare time?

Well, because Grace is gonna
be in it. She is?

I am? You are.

Come on, it'll be fun.

You'll get to play with all the
other children, wear make-up, costumes.

Besides, it's
a great way to get guys.

What do I do with
them when I get them?

Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.

Grace performing in public?
Yeah. What's the matter?

Well, for one thing, she's in therapy twice
a week for being insecure and introverted.

So's Barbara Streisand, but meanwhile
she's getting a thousand bucks a ticket,

and that's without a beverage.
Liza, we got prime rib.

Oh, I'm just thrilled
about this school.

Wasn't it sweet the way they hung
all the arts and crafts out in the hall?

I'll tell you, that Pablo is
a very talented kid.

Miss Fine, that was a Picasso.

An adult did those?
Ech...

Oh, don't look now,
but we are making quite a stir.

Guess I wore the right outfit.

Miss Fine, they're looking at me.

They think just because
I'm a Broadway producer
and I'm at this meeting,

they're gonna rope me
into staging the pageant.

Oh... Uh-oh, here it comes.
Oh, boy.

I love your outfit.

Everybody's talking about it.

Oh, thank you.

Mister Sheffield,
what a surprise!

I know how busy you are.

Night and day, like a dog.
But never too busy for his kids.

And you are?
This is our nanny, Miss Fran Fine.

This is Miss Emma Trusdale,
Lexington's head mistress.

Oh, head mistress, huh?
Honey, you're living in a dream world.

No matter what they say,
they never leave their wives.

We're about to begin,
Mister Sheffield.

Why don't you just have a seat
here on the front row next to me.

Oh, teacher's pet, huh?

Attention, everyone.

In a wonderful coincidence,

we are here to discuss
this year's school pageant,

and we have amongst us the esteemed
Broadway producer, Maxwell Sheffield.

I'm your greatest fan.

That shade of lipstick
looks great on your butt.

Miss Fine, would you care
to share that with everyone?

No, Miss Trusdale.

And now to the business at hand.

We need a volunteer to serve
as director for this year's pageant,

Mother Goose's Broadway.
Here it comes.

Well, it wouldn't hurt you
to get involved.

Perhaps Mister Sheffield can...
...suggest someone?

Oh yes, I'd be delighted to.

I'd like to suggest
Miss Fran Fine.

Oh, me?
Her?

Oh, I don't know
anything about theater.

Well, remarkably, that never
stopped you from doing anything.

Well, I did play 'Huddle' in the
third grade production of Fiddler.

No, no, if Mister Sheffield is busy,
I'm sure one of the other parents is

eager to volunteer for
this exciting challenge.

The Flushing Observer said,
"Fran Fine was a standout as Tevia's lost,

but heavily made-up daughter."

Anyone at all,
just raise your hand.

The time to raise
your hand would be now.

How about you, Miss Fine.
Oh, Miss Trusdale, I accept.

And I just wanna thank you
all for your confidence in me.

I only hope I can
live up to your expec...

Moving on!
...tations.

Hey, hey, hey, no running.
You could poke somebody's eye out.

Oh, I just gave my first piece
of direction. Hmm, and I was there.

Mommy, I'm hungry.
You ate yesterday!

Fat girls don't
get leads.

Good God, I just had a horrible
flashback to those Annie Two auditions.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh...

Back! Back!

Keep moving, Maxwell;

they're small but they're
dangerous when they swarm.

Okay, everybody, I want
my dancing daisies over here,

my singing mushrooms over there.

Daisies, mushrooms.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you, you, you.
You're not a flower, you're a fungus.

Miss Fine, where's
the sign-up sheet? The what?

Well, you really ought
to have a sign-up sheet.

Oh, it isn't necessary.
This is just a kid's play.

What do we do with our music?
Oh, give it to the accompanist.

You do have an accompanist?

Oh, yes, yes, of course we do.

Uh, Maggie, get off the phone
and go sit at the piano.

Hey, big guy.
Excuse me?

I hear you're close to the director.
Fran? Oh, she works for us.

Gee, I'd do anything to play
the lead. And I do mean anything.

Does your mother know you're
saying this? Oh, yeah.

She wrote it down for me. See?

And now I'm supposed
to kiss you.

Sing, Bernard.

Sing, Bernard!

Sing!

That's okay, Benard.

That's okay.
We'll make you a mushroom.

"Shitocky."

Okay, next we're going to audition
for the first grade number.

Now this scene opens up
the whole pageant.

Gracie, you're on.

The itsy bitsy spider went up
the water spout. Sing it, Gracie.

Down came the rain and washed
the spider out. One more time.

Out came the sun and dried up
all the rain... Bring it home!

...and the itsy bitsy spider
went up the spout again.

Oh, wonderful!
Wonderful!

You're darling.
Wasn't she wonderful?

We're next. Oh.

Come on, dear.

Now stand right here,
sweetheart. Smile.

All right. And one,
and two, and three... Tempo!

Johnny could only sing one note
and the note he sang was this.

Oh...

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you!

Thank you, that was very nice.
Sit down, honey.

Well, I don't even think there's
a question, do you? No.

It's Gracie by a mile.

Miss Fine, how could you possibly
make that choice? This other girl
was phenomenal.

Well, what do I care about
that little girl? Am I her nanny?

No, you're the director, and you're
supposed to cast actors according
to talent, not on who they know.

What show business are
you working in?

Besides, look at Gracie.
She's already so confident and outgoing.

Have you ever seen her so happy?

Daddy, I got the part!

They like me.
They really like me.

I suppose it was the right choice.

I'll work with her.
Sure.

And touch, and touch, and touch,
and touch, and step...

and turn, turn, turn,
cross and squat.

Honey, very good.

Now help Miss Fine up.
Come on. Thank you.

Meanwhile, these pantyhose
have a life of their own.

Mister Sheffield, you've decided
to help afterall. What a relief.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm not here to direct the show.

I'm just here to support
my little girl. Oh.

Oh, hi, Mister Sheffield.
Hi, Daddy.

Hello. How's it going? Oh, fabulous.
The kids are having a great time.

Billy, stop biting my leg.
What'd you think of the number?

Well, why are, why are they all
wearing paper bags on their heads?

They're mushroom caps.
Oh.

Who did the wardrobe, A and P?
Maybe.

I had a choice of paper or plastic.
But you know, they tend to discourage
plastic bags on kids heads.

Well, I suppose it will all come
together once the set's up.

The set is up.
Hmm...

You know, not to discourage
your input here, but uh,

well, I kind of have
a vision going.

Perhaps Mister Sheffield could
just fine tune the costumes.

And the scenery.
And the lights...

maybe tell the actors where to stand.
And how to deliver their lines.

I'm not an expert
on theatrical terminology,

but wouldn't that be
considered directing?

All right, if you insist...

Gracie, honey,
Daddy's going to direct.

Yoo-hoo...aren't you
forgetting just one thing?

Oh, all right, I'll do
the choreography too.

Well, what about Fran?
Yeah, what about Fran?

You could be the Producer.
That's right! Congratulations!

Congratulations...

Now, Miss Trusdale, I see a follow
spot and a lone French Horn...just wailing...

Shouldn't the producer
be in on this?...

We'll do lunch...

Mary had a little lamb.

It's fleece was
white as snow....snow!

Thank you.

Thank...

Andrea, love,
you're not blending in.

You're upstaging
everyone.

My mother says
my voice is a gift.

Well, return it.

Wait, second, second flower, where,
where are you going? Get back in line.

She has to make.
She has to make what?

A doody.

Very well, carry on.

Grace, sweetheart,

you're not relating
to your lamb.

You see, you have
to listen to the lyrics.

The lamb follows you
everywhere you go.

You're very attached to it.

I don't get it.
The lamb's codependent.

Oh...

All right, once more from the top.

This time, just Grace.

Mary had a little...
We're forgetting everything.

All right, we'll work on
it later. Go on, take five.

Not you, Grace. You better
work on your time step.

Oh, these amateurs.

Where are all the great child
actors when you need them?

Robbing Seven-Elevens.

Careful, Gracie, wouldn't
want to fall off the stage.

Andrea, got a cookie.

Fetch.

It was more fun when
you were directing.

I know. Can I get you anything?

Juice. And to keep my therapist.

Oh, she's been tapping for hours.
I'll tell you, it's a crime.

I'll say. I just waxed the floor.

She's like the energizer rabbit.
She just keeps going and going.

The vacuum cleaner is destroyed.

Hoover doesn't make
a Gummy Bear attachment.

Nothing that she does is good enough.
What is the matter with that man?

Doesn't he believe in nepotism?
I mean, where would Lorna Luft be today?

Did you ever try to get
bazooka out of brocade?

Wait a minute, what's that?

I believe it's Morse Code.

S.O.S.

She needs my help. I gotta
talk to Mister Sheffield.

I don't know what you're doing.
An ice cube will lift that gum right up.

Of course, I've always wanted
to direct as well.

And I find the children's theater
genre absolutely fascinating.

How do you spell "genre"?

Mister Sheffield, can I have
a word with you please?

Well, I'm in the middle of
an interview, Miss Fine.

Oh. Take your time.

Could you give us a minute, please?
Okay. But don't keep me waiting.

I'm also the reviewer.

Make sure on show night we have plenty
of cookies backstage for the press.

Mister Sheffield, aren't you taking
this a little too seriously?

Absolutely not.
Excuse me, sir.

Andrew Lloyd Webber phoned.
You have the Phantom orchestra. Yes!

Well, you're the one who wanted
me to get involved. Yes, I know.

But you're working these kids
entirely too hard. Especially Gracie.

Oh, my father pushed me and
look where I am today.

Three thousand miles and
an ocean away.

I'm telling you, you're turning her
into a regular Lenny Shinebaum.

Miss Fine, please, spare me.
Well...

Okay. Who's Lenny Shinebaum?

His father made him so nervous about
taking over the family business,

that he started pulling his hair out of
his head and was bald by the time he was fifteen.

Although, he did become C.E.O.
for the largest linoleum chain
in the tri-state area.

Did I mention he was
interested in me?

I knew I shouldn't have asked.
I'm giving you pearls here.

I'm telling you, if you don't
stop pushing her, Gracie's gonna
grow up to resent her father.

Nonsense. Oh, that's
what Lenny's father thought

until Lenny shipped him off
to the Lincoln Tunnel
Retirement Home, Jersey view.

Well, unlike
the ingrate Shinebaum,

Grace appreciates that I just
want her to be the best.

You know, this was supposed
to be a fun experience,

but instead she's upstairs tapping her
brains out like some kind of a deranged Ann Miller.

That's redundant.

Miss Fine, you're over-reacting.

And I suppose this doesn't have
anything to do with my replacing
you as director.

Oh, well, if that isn't the most insulting,
pretty thing I ever heard.

Besides, I wasn't replaced,
I was promoted to producer.

Sucker.

Mister Sheffield, can the producer
fire the director?

Yes.
Oh?

As easily as the father can
fire the nanny. Oh.

Are you the usher?

No. I'm the producer.

Let me see your tickets.

Lady, will you wipe my nose?

No.

Don't you have any parents?

Yeah, but they're busy.

J.B. Binghamton, the investment
banker, is your father?

Yes.

Blow.

I can't believe Dad made us come.
This is gonna be so lame.

Now, children, this is your sister's
big night. I think we should all support her.

I brought cards. I'll deal.

Miss Fine, uh, we, uh,
we have a bit of a crisis.

Grace is refusing to go on.
I, uh, I think it's stage fright.

Oh, well, I wonder why. You've made
the stage such a warm and loving place.

Well, I need your help.
You, you need to speak with her.

Me talk to the actors? Why isn't
that the director's job?

What? What? What?

You want me to admit I was wrong.

Oh, you think I'm that small?
Turns out I am.

Fine. I was wrong.
I'll hand myself later.

Look, all I wanted was for Grace to go
out on that stage and have everyone love her.

Honey, she doesn't care
if everyone loves her.

All she cares is
if you love her.

I'm turning into Lenny Shinebaum's father.

Worse. My own.
I swore I'd never be like him.

Oh, that's all right,
Mister Sheffield.

I, myself, have to fight the urge to wash
out gefullter fish jars and use them as glasses.

She's in here.

Um, Gracie, honey, oh...
I can't work with that man.

Grace, sweetheart, I'm, I'm sorry
I was such an ogre.

I didn't mean to push you so hard.

Look, you're more important
to me than any silly play.

I'm so proud of you whether
you go on or not.

Thank you, Daddy.

'Cause I really don't
want to go on.

Are you insane?

The house is full. We've got
a critic out there, and the whole
show rests on your shoulders.

Paging Mister Shinebaum.
Sorry. Wrong again.

Oh, sweetheart, it's just that
you've worked so hard at this show

and I really think
you could be brilliant.

I'm sorry, Daddy.
I just can't.

Miss Fine?
Yeah?

The one time I'd like you to butt in.

Hey, I'm with her. Who needs it?
All those people looking at you,
all the lights in your eye.

Oh, the whole thing's a turn off.

Thank you, Miss Fine.
You know what, honey? Don't worry.

The show will go on. Andrea knows
all of your lines. She will take your place.

Over my dead body.
Hold the curtain. Make-up!

That's why they call
me the producer.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
the Lexington Academy's annual pageant.

A Maxwell Sheffield
Production...

"The itsy bitsy spider went up
the water spout.

Down came the rain and washed
the spider out."

My God, she has got something,
hasn't she?

Yeah. Guts.

Oh, Mister Sheffield,
the reviews are in.

Oh, let me see, let me see.
What do, what do they say?

Well, they loved Gracie and they said
the programs were neatly folded. That was me.

Yeah, yeah. What do they say
about the production?

Ooh, "not since Hudson Hawk
has there been

such a over-produced
under-directed piece of drek."

Hack.

Oh, that's all right, Mister Sheffield.
Next year you could fold the programs.